DECEMBER 23
Friend 2:
(Answers the phone while baking cookies) Hi – what’s up?
Friend 1: (On
the phone while walking through a beyond-crowded mall) Oh, not much: just doing
my annual last-minute holiday shopping, same as the rest of the world here with
me right now. (Waves to the crowds)
Crowds: (Waving
to Friend 1) Hiiiiiii!!!! (Resume frenzy)
Friend 1: You
done with your shopping yet?
Friend 2:
Hanukkah was over three weeks ago this year, so, yeah.
Friend 1:
Right. Lucky.
Friend 2: Also
lucky you and I don’t exchange gifts – one less person to shop for.
Friend 1: Best
present ever. I should be done here in
another three hours, but the mall closes in two so everyone’ll just have to
take whatever I wind up with by then.
Friend 2: That’s
the spirit.
Friend 1:
(Passing by a card store) Shoot, I just remembered I also have to get more
wrapping paper and bows and all that garbage – maybe four hours.
Friend 2: Why
not just get gift bags for everybody?
Then you can throw whatever gift in there and fluff some tissue paper
around it and that’s that: minimal effort involved.
Friend 1: Ugh,
who wants all gift bags?! That’s the
lazy way out – Christmas unequivocally requires tearing apart massive amounts
of paper and high-tensile ribbon to reveal the glory within.
Friend 2: If you
say so. Might be easier on you, though –
I’ve seen your wrapping in action, and it’s not pretty.
Friend 1:
What?! I know how to wrap! (Teenagers passing by start to lay down a
beat; to Teenagers) Not “rap” – (Holds up all the shopping bags) “wrap!”
Teenagers: (In
realization) Ohhhhhh.... (Move along)
Friend 2: You
may know in theory, but the reality has a bit lost in translation.
Friend 1: I’ll
show you! I’ll show ALL OF YOU!
Friend 2: Who
else are you talking to?
Friend 1: You
know – The World.
Friend 2: `K,
I’ll let you get to it then – bye.
(Disconnects the call and leisurely starts a new batch of cookies while
humming) I love this time of year.
Friend 1:
(Scrambles to put away the phone, dropping every other bag) I hate this time of
year!
Mall
Loudspeaker: Attention, shoppers: the mall will be closing in 30 minutes – we
ask at this time that you please begin to get out –
Friend 1:
WHAT?! (Drops the remaining bags while
scrambling to look at a watch) HOW DID I LOSE TWO HOURS?!
Parent: (Passing
by, surrounded by small children) Very easily.
DECEMBER 24
(In apartment,
Friend 1 is sitting on the living room floor surrounded by gifts, wrapping
paper, bows, ribbons, gift bags, tissue paper, tags, and a pen)
Friend 1:
Right. Start with the biggest one
first. (Grabs an asymmetrical package)
Well, no one’d actually expect this this to be wrapped. (Dumps it into a large gift bag, writes on
the tag, and crams a bunch of tissue paper into it; nods in satisfaction at the
end result) Right. Next!
(Grabs a rectangular department store box, measures the paper, cuts, and
tries to cover the box but did not leave enough paper for that) Grrrrrr – no,
no, mustn’t flip out, I can use the paper for something else, we’ll just try
again. (Measures the paper, cuts, and
tries to cover the box but did not leave enough paper for that) GRRRR – OK, skip
the box, this’ll be a great gift bag, too.
(Dumps the lump of cloth that was in the box into a large gift bag,
writes on the tag, and crams a bunch of tissue paper into it; nods in
satisfaction at the end result) Right.
Next! (Grabs a smaller box) OK,
can’t mess this one up, right? (Measures
the paper, cuts, and fits it perfectly around the box) Heh-heh-heh-heh – (Reaches
for the tape and realizes there is none) Son of a – !
ONE HOUR LATER
(Friend 1
returns from the local office supply store, slams the front door shut, rips off
coat, hat, and gloves, plops back onto the living room floor, rips open the
tape box, and inserts the roll into the dispenser, grumbling the whole time)
Friend 1: (Taping
the perfectly wrapped box) If one more person gets in my way – I did not
cut you in line, you tried to cut me – whoever designed that parking lot
hates people – maybe if you put your shopping cat in the conveniently located
corral like a decent human being, it wouldn’t have hit both our cars later –
(Finishes the tag and views the box) Ah?
Ahahahahaha! I did it! Take that!
(Takes a picture of the wrapped gift and sends it to Friend 2; typing)
“In… your… face….” (Sends the message and tosses the phone to the floor) Saying
I can’t wrap – maybe you can’t wrap.
(Starts on the next gift and receives a message notification)
Friend 2’s
Message: Fluke.
Friend 1:
(Angrily typing) “Who… asked… you?!”
Friend 2’s
Message. (Several seconds later) You did.
Friend 1:
(Angrily typing) “Leave me alone, I need to wrap presents for my loving
family!” (Tosses away the phone)
Friend 2’s
Unread Message: You’re ridonkulous.
(Friend 1 wraps the
remaining gifts in a whirlwind of activity – most of the packages have crooked
seams, barely meeting edges, bulging sides, multiple layers of paper to cover
bare sections, and bows, ribbons, and tags anywhere and everywhere)
Friend 1:
(Stands up on cramped legs, surveying the disaster) Well, they’ll just have to
like it or lump it.
DECEMBER 25
(At Friend 1’s
parents’ house, the family tears apart the hours of wrapping to reveal the
glory within)
Friend 1:
(Wearing a new fuzzy sweater over pajamas) Well Fam, another good haul this
year – I thank ye.
Mother: Yes,
thank you both, now let’s clean up this mess.
Father: I’ll get
the trash bags. (Trots out of the living
room, brushing wrapping debris off of clothes on the way)
Friend 1: (To
Mother) I have to ask: honestly, does my wrapping make you ashamed to call me
your child?
Mother: Oh
honey, why does it even matter?
Friend 1: It’s
been brought to my attention, and by asking why it matters you’re revealing
that it does.
Mother: (Laughs
and hugs Friend 1) Sweetie. (Pulls back)
You’re being ridonkulous. (Grabs several
gifts to start putting things away)
Friend 1:
(Stares at the brightly lit and overly decorated Christmas tree, then looks
over at the nativity scene on the nearby table; addresses the newly added Baby
Jesus) I guess we should all be thankful I don’t have to wrap you.
