Story 612: Is There a Major Holiday in November I’m Forgetting?

 NOVEMBER 5 

(In a café, Parent 1, Parent 2, and Parent 3 sit at a small round table, hastily downing gingerbread lattes)

Parent 1: I’m so proud of myself this year: I finished all my Christmas shopping today, and it’s not even anywhere near December yet!

Parent 2: Ha!  I finished mine before Halloween!

Parent 3: Amateurs: I finished my Christmas and Hanukkah shopping the day after New Year’s.

Parent 1 and Parent 2: Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhh….

Parent 1: So, that’s it?  We have almost two whole months with no extra running around to stores and tracking down sales online, trying to find the last item in stock and freaking out that everything’s late?

Parent 2: I think so!

Parent 3: I don’t know – I feel like we’re missing something.

Parent 1: Something?

Parent 2: Missing?

Parent 3: You know, something major; something between Halloween and Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa.  Can’t put my finger on it, though.

Parent 1, Parent 2, and Parent 3: Hmmmmm….. (All three take a ponderous sip) 

NOVEMBER 12 

Parent 4: (In a kitchen making cookies while talking to a cell phone lying on the counter; every singer’s Christmas/Winter album plays on the radio in the background) And yes, children are a blessing, don’t get me wrong, but when you reach a certain number of them under the age of 18 within the near-immediate family, you just get to the point where you say, “Everyone’s getting gift cards, I don’t care.”

Parent 5: (Peeking in from the front door and holding up a string of colored lights) You really want all of these covering the house this year?

Parent 4: (Pauses in rolling dough to look at Parent 5) I said ALL OF THEM!

Parent 5: OK, yeesh.  (Goes back outside)

Parent 4: (Back to the phone) As I was saying: “You all can buy your own gifts at this point in my life.”

Parent 6: (Also in a kitchen making cookies while talking to a cell phone lying on the counter) Same.

Parent 4: (Looks to the oven after a timer DINGS!) Oooh, great timing, I just finished the snickerdoodle batter.  (Opens the oven door and swaps cookie sheets)

Parent 6: (Stirring batter endlessly in a large bowl) Yeah, I’m working on shortbread cookies right now.

Parent 4: Nice.

Parent 6: It’s funny, when you’re doing something mindless, you start thinking of the oddest things.

Parent 4: (Scraping cookies onto a cooling rack) Like what?

Parent 6: Well… you ever get the feeling you should be working on something else?

Parent 4: Whaddya mean?  We already multitask 24/7.  (Transfers clothes from a washing machine to a dryer and then starts another batch of cookies)

Parent 6: I know, but I have this nagging thought that I’m overlooking something important, and it has to do with food.

Parent 4: Well, once I finish these I’ve gotta start dinner, and then work on the gift baskets for the school’s Santa Bingo, not to mention when am I gonna start wrapping the kids’ presents, so anything else that may or may not be important is just going to have to wait.

Parent 6: (Stirs even slower while staring out into space) Something about a bird….

Parent 4: If it’s a partridge in a pear tree, count me out – call me Scrooge, but if I never hear that song again it’ll be too soon.

Parent 6: I like that one.

Parent 4: So did I, once upon a time.  You any closer to figuring out what it is you forgot yet?

Parent 6: (Attention drifts to a wall calendar with a picture of a giant cornucopia on the top half) It’ll come to me…. 

NOVEMBER 19 

(At a mall, Parent 7 carefully navigates through the crowds, carrying lots of large bags and surrounded by fake snow, decorated fake trees, ornaments, several menorahs, and “Jingle Bells” on a never-ending loop.  On seeing a “Photos With Santa!” section, with a long line leading to Santa Claus on a throne with helper Elves managing the crowd and a faux reindeer coldly looking on, Parent 7 stops to stare at the controlled chaos for a few moments, blocking out the jolly carol and the tormented cries of unjolly toddlers, brow furrowed in sudden confusion)

Parent 7: (Muttering to self) Wait a minute – isn’t there something else that’s supposed to happen before all this?

Santa Claus: Next in line, please!  Only 36 shopping days until Christmas, ho-ho-ho!

Parent 7: (Still muttering, now looking at the floor) Before Christmas…. Something else before Christmas…. What could it be…?  (Looks up in realization) Of course!  How could I forget Pearl Harbor Day?!  So ungrateful of me.  (Thinks for a moment) Grateful…?  (Thinks for a moment, then shakes head and dives back into the fray) 

NOVEMBER 26 

(In an office, Parent 8 sits at a desk that is smothered in winter wonderland decorations and types an e-mail)

Parent 8: (Reading aloud softly while typing) “ – and if I – have to go in there – one more time – you’re gonna get it – ”  (Stops typing) What am I doing?  This isn’t going to my kids.  (Holds down the backspace key)

Manager: (Approaches the desk) Hey, you busy?

Parent 8: (Swings away from the computer to face Manager) Always, but so are you.

Manager: Heh-heh, yeah.  So, I was reviewing everybody’s time sheets and saw you didn’t put in for the holiday tomorrow yet.

Parent 8: (Slow blinks at Manager) “Holiday”?

Manager: Yeah, you still gotta put it into the system like it’s a requested day off, except you select “Holiday” instead of “PTO”, so I’d appreciate it if you did it in the next five minutes so I can approve it before the end of the day, OK?

Parent 8: (Slow blinks again) “Tomorrow”?

Manager: Yes.  Tomorrow.  (Blank stare from Parent 8) November 27.  (Blank stare) Fourth Thursday of November.  (Blank stare) Thanksgiving?!

Parent 8: …Ohhhhh!  (Slowly nods in realization)

Manager: (Slowly nods along) Yeeessss!

Parent 8: Is that still a thing?

Manager: …Yes, it’s a federal holiday so the company actually pays you not to work.  One thing to be thankful for, right, heh-heh-heh?

Parent 8: Mm.  And it’s still every year?

Manager: Put in the request now, please – bye.  (Leaves)

Parent 8: (Turns back to the computer and opens up the Human Resources portal to enter the request, then pauses to look at a “Countdown to Christmas!” calendar that reads “29” for days remaining) Thanksgiving, eh?  Amazed that one’s still hanging in there.

Story 594: Better Not Forget About Father’s Day

(In a townhouse, Sibling 2 is stretched out on the living couch checking e-mails on a cell phone, then suddenly stops and stares into space, brow furrowed)

Sibling 2: Hmmmm…. (Gnaws lip for a few moments, then selects a contact on the phone and places a call)

Sibling 1: (Jolts awake in an apartment bedroom, flails around for a cell phone on the bedside lamp table, and answers with a massive yawn) Yellllllooooohhhh?

Sibling 2: …Did I wake you up?

Sibling 1: Nooooo – (Yawns again and rubs eyes) `course not; I’m wide asleep.  Awake!

Sibling 2: It’s 11:30 in the morning!

Sibling 1: And it’s also Sunday: don’t judge my weekend sleep cycle.

Sibling 2: I’m not; I’m judging your overall laziness.

Sibling 1: (Rolls onto back with an exasperated sigh) Whatever – why are you calling me at this unreasonable hour anyway?

Sibling 2: Oh, well, it’s just… you ever feel like you’ve forgotten something important?

Sibling 1: Every second of the day.  At last: you understand me.

Sibling 2: Something I could’ve lived without.

Sibling 1: Rude.  So, what do you think you forgot?

Sibling 2: Well if I knew that, then I’d’ve remembered it and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Sibling 1: Rude again.  Just trying to help since, after all, you called me!

Sibling 2: Sorry.  Anyway, it started bothering me, and I think it involves you, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is!

Sibling 1: (Stretches with another yawn) I dunno, maybe you owe me money?

Sibling 2: Ha!

Sibling 1: Fair enough.  Maybe I owe you money?

Sibling 2: No, I would’ve gotten it out of you right away.

Sibling 1: True.  All right: what were you doing that triggered the memory of the forget?

Sibling 2: I was checking my e-mail – nothing stood out, but I got a nudgy feeling at the back of my brain all of a sudden and I don’t know why.

Sibling 1: (Eyes closed while starting to doze off again) Well, it was probably something you read; just retrace your virtual steps and I’m sure it’ll all come back to you….

Sibling 2: Huh.  That’s actually a good idea.

Sibling 1: Yes, I do have those every so often….

Sibling 2: OK, I’ll put you on speaker while I bring up my e-mail again.  (Starts pressing buttons on the phone)

Sibling 1: You… bet…. (Starts snoring softly)

Sibling 2 (On speaker, scrolling through e-mails) Right, we’ve got water bill, Internet bill, electricity bill, that one’s already paid but due today, June 15, and OH MY GOSH I COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT TODAY IS FATHER’S DAY!!!

Sibling 1: (Leaps out of bed and is fully dressed in the space of five seconds) OH NO IT IS FATHER’S DAY HOW COULD YOU FORGET???!!!

Sibling 2: (Running in circles in the living room) HOW COULD I FORGET???!!!  HOW COULD YOU FORGET???!!!  WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING???!!!

Sibling 1: (Running through the apartment aimlessly) BECAUSE IT’S THE RULES!  HOW COULD YOU REMEMBER MOTHER’S DAY AND NOT FATHER’S DAY???!!!

Sibling 2:  I DON’T KNOW, WHY IS ONE ON A SECOND SUNDAY AND THE OTHER ON A THIRD SUNDAY???!!!

Sibling 1: I DON’T KNOW, WHY IS THE SKY BLUE???!!!                  

Sibling 2: THAT’S A FALSE EQUIVALENCY!  THAT HAS TO DO WITH PHYSICS; THIS IS A HUMAN-MADE CULTURAL EVENT THAT HAS NO MEANING OUTSIDE OF ITSELF!  WHAT’RE WE GONNA DOOOOOOO???!!!

Sibling 1: I GOT IT!  ASK DAD FOR ADVICE!

Sibling 2: HE’S THE ONE WE’RE INSULTING WITH OUR NEGLECT AS WE SPEAK!

Sibling 1: ALL RIGHT, THEN I’VE GOT NOTHIN’!

Sibling 2: YOU – (Suddenly stops running and abruptly sits back down on the couch) OK, this is what’s going to happen: you go to the supermarket and grab the first “Father’s Day From Both” card you find and the biggest chocolate cake you find; I’ll get generic and sweet shop gift cards; we’ll meet up at the parents’ house at 1:00, throw ourselves onto the mercy of the court, and hope they’re in the middle of barbecuing dinner by the time we get there, got it?

Sibling 1: (Had stopped running when reaching the inside of the hall closet) Got it!

Sibling 2: Great!

Sibling 1: Just one thing.

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: When you say “1:00”, is that a hard “1:00” or is there a two-hour leeway that – (Call is disconnected) Hello?

1:00 P.M. 

(Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s cars screech onto the parents’ driveway after each other; each falls out of their respective driver side doors carrying their respective gifts, run to the front entrance of the house, and crash into the closed door)

Sibling 1: (Tosses the cake and card into Sibling 2’s arms and begins pounding on the door with both fists) Hello-hello-hello-hello-hello- !

Sibling 2: They never lock it when they know we’re coming over – something’s wrong

Sibling 1: (Stops pounding) Oh no, this is the nightmare scenario every caring middle-aged child faces!  And on a major holiday, no less!  How inconvenient!

Sibling 2: What?  Here.  (Tosses the cake and card back to Sibling 1, reaches into a pocket with the hand not holding the gift cards, pulls out a ring of keys, flips through them frantically, and unlocks the front door; both rush into the house)

Sibling 1: (Running back-and-forth between the kitchen and the living room, still carrying the cake and card) MOM??!!  DAD???!!!  ARE YOU ALIVE????!!!!  ANSWER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Sibling 2: (Sighs while slowing down to a stop in the kitchen) I can see now you’ll be absolutely useless in an actual crisis.

Sibling 1: (Also stops and turns to face Sibling 2) Oh good, that means you’d take care of everything, right?

Sibling 2: Apparently.  (Spots a note on the counter) Hold on.  (Both walk over to the counter; Sibling 2 picks up the note and reads aloud) “Hey Kids, we know you’ve both had a lot going on lately so your Mom and I figured rather than bringing up Father’s Day and putting you on the spot, we went to Hawai‘i instead.  We’ll be back on Friday, so since you’re reading this note please tell the next-door neighbor that you’ll now be feeding the cats while we’re gone.  We’ll show you a bunch of photos and videos when we get back!  Love, Your #1 Dad”

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of silence) So does that mean, he’s cool about the whole thing, or he’s not and we’re in deep trouble?

Sibling 2: You’d think we’d be able to tell after knowing someone for literally our entire lives.  Probably best to anticipate the latter and also clean the house while we’re feeding the cats, and hope for the former by the time the folks get back.  (Leans down to scratch the ears of two cats who suddenly appeared, knowing they were being discussed)

Sibling 1: Good thinking.  (Holds up the container) Should we go ahead and eat the cake, then?

Sibling 2: …Be a shame to waste it.

Story 568: Hunting for THE Gift

             (In a living room)

Parent: (Addressing two preteen children; all three are bundled up in winter coats, hats, and gloves) All right, kiddos: I know this is the first day of your interminably long Winter Break and you’d rather being doing anything else right now, including homework, BUT it’s also the last weekend before Christmas and another December has passed me by in spite of the wall calendar in my face every morning, so now we all must suffer one long day of shopping instead of spreading it out across three weekends.  You have your assigned lists at the ready?  (Each child holds up a large piece of paper full of writing on both sides, and nods) OK then.  (Shoves on a knitted cap with earflaps) To the mall!

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh….

(Hours later in the mall, the family members regroup near the food court)

Parent: (Checking Child 1’s shopping bags against the corresponding list) It clearly says “Twenty 3 ounce candles” not “Three 20 ounce candles” – now go back and get the right ones!

Child 1: (Gasps and falls to knees) No, don’t send me back in there, I’m begging you!  The line went through the entire store and the smell of patchouli was everywhere, just everywhere!

Parent: (Disgusted) Get up.  (Child 1 stands) Fine, I’ll exchange them myself, but first we need to move on to pajamas and slippers so we’ll circle back to your failure later.  (To Child 2) Open up.  (Child 2 holds open the bags as Parent quickly scans through them and the list) Sufficient, but we’ll have to make sure that cousins from the same side of the family don’t get the same toy cars and action figures that you lazily snatched up multiple times.

Child 2: (Looks down into the bags) Oops.

Parent: (Checks own list and bags) OK, only 23 more stores to go and then we can move on to the sugar gifts.

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh …

(Hours later in the mall parking lot, all three are carrying many shopping bags on all limbs and balanced on their heads)

Parent: (Talking around the piles of bags) Whelp, in spite of ourselves, we’re almost done: just need the one gift that Grandmama specifically asked for, and we’re all set for the year.

Child 1: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Yeah, I checked every store I was in and didn’t see it anywhere.

Child 2: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Same.

Parent: (Dumps the bags into the car’s trunk and the passenger and back seats; Child 1 and Child 2 do the same) Not to worry: I know plenty of stores that should carry it.

Child 1 and Child 2: (Turn to each other and mouth “Should?”)

Parent: (As they pile into the car and squeeze themselves between bags) You all buckled in?  (The tops of two heads nod) And away we go!  (Burns rubber while merging into the mile-long line out of the mall parking lot)

(At the next store)

Parent: (Rummaging through the shelves) That’s not it – that’s not it – that’s not it –

Child 1: Should we check another aisle?

Parent: (Distractedly while trying to stick head into the recesses of a shelf) No, this would be the one….

Shopper: (To Child 2) Excuse me, you waiting on line?

Child 2: Thank goodness, no.  (Steps aside for Shopper to stand at the end of the line to the cash registers located at the other end of the store)

Parent: (Pulls back out of the shelf and scratches head in befuddlement) I don’t understand; where could it be?

Child 1: Maybe they don’t carry it here anymore.

Parent: I’m starting to think that, but what boggles the mind is why they don’t carry that when they carry all these – (Shakes a nearby display, nearly knocking a few items to the floor) that go with it?!

Child 1: …Marketing confusion?

Parent: Apparently.  All right, we’ve wasted enough of our lives here – onward!  (Leads Child 1 and Child 2 to cut across the register line looping back on itself several times as they exit the store)

Employee: (From the register near the entrance/exit) Hey!  (All three stop and turn) You’re leaving without buying anything?!  (The entire line of customers becomes silent)

Parent: Doooooo I have to?

Employee: Well – no….

Parent: Then yes.  (Leaves with Child 1 and Child 2)

Employee: (In a small voice) But it just isn’t done….

(Hours and 15 stores later)

Parent: (Hangrily crouched over the car’s steering wheel while barely moving through bumper-to-bumper traffic) I can’t believe not one of those stores have it!  I mean, I can believe it, but I really, really don’t want to!

Child 2: (Checking on a cell phone) Hey, this says that the Micro Save Mart nearby might have it.

Parent: That dinky little village shop!  I laugh at the mere suggestion, ahahahaha – cough-cough-cough-!  (Takes a few moments to recover from self-induced coughing) Besides, even if there was the remotest possibility that they have it, the store’s in the complete opposite direction from where we’re heading, and there’s no way I can make a legal U-turn in this traffic.

Child 1: (Excitedly) So, we go back home for dinner and finally give up on getting it –

Parent: NEVER!  (Suddenly yanks the steering wheel to veer out of the lane, over a grassy embankment, and into a strip mall to make a U-turn the hard way)

(Hours later in the new store)

Child 1: (Looking around at the winter wonderland on display) Wow, this place is kinda neat.

Parent: No sightseeing – we’re on serious business here!  (Purposefully strides up and down several aisles, then skids to a stop in front of a small display) This is it.  At long last, this is it.

Child 2: Success?

Parent: (Gingerly takes an item from the display) I’m only hesitating in saying “Yes” because once I say it out loud, this might disappear.

Child 1: But you just did.

Parent: That was a hypothetical quote.  (Possessively hugs the item, then notices Child 1 and Child 2 staring in judgmental anticipation) But all right: yes.

Child 1: (Fist pumps) Woohoo!  Let’s get on line before the store closes.

Child 2: (As they search for the end of the line) Don’t worry: all stores everywhere are open late today, those are the rules.

Child 1: Yeah, and do you even know what time it is right now?!

Child 2: Oh.  (Checks watch) Ohhhhhh....

Child 1: Exactly.

(On the car ride home, surrounded by shopping bags; THE gift has pride of place buckled into the passenger seat with the bags previously there either on top of the ones that were piled up on the floor or on top of Child 1 and Child 2 in the backseat)

Parent: Well kiddos, it was a long, hideous struggle and a battle hard-fought, but in the end we were triumphant.  I hope you two learned valuable life lessons today.

Child 1: Don’t do all your gift-shopping on the weekend before a major holiday?

Child 2: Pack snacks no matter how long you think you’ll take?

Child 1: Don’t buy so much extra stuff for people who already have extra stuff?

Child 2: Consumerism is a social construct and we shouldn’t even be buying stuff that does nothing to nourish the soul?

Parent: Yes, yes – also, if Grandmama suddenly doesn’t want the gift after all that, I’m disinheriting myself.

Story 539: I Want to Break Up With My Internet Service Provider

            (In an apartment, Resident is working on a laptop at the kitchen table)

Resident: (Typing) “As they stared deeply into each other’s eyes, they felt the immense joy that is making the direct leap from Enemies-to-Lovers – ” (There is a knock at the front door) And there goes the muse.  (Resident closes the laptop, walks over to the door, checks the peephole, sighs from the depths, and opens the door to Internet Service Provider, who is holding a bouquet of roses and several gift cards) Oh.  It’s you.

Internet Service Provider: I got your message.

Resident: And?

Internet Service Provider: Can we talk?

Resident: (Starting to close the door) I really don’t have time to go over all this again –

Internet Service Provider: (Falls to knees) Please!  I’m begging you!  In the name of all we’ve been through together!

Resident: (Taken aback in mild disgust) OK, don’t embarrass yourself in front of the neighbors.  (Internet Service Provider stands) I’m listening.

Internet Service Provider: Can I come in?

Resident: What for?  You’re already in – you’re everywhere, actually.

Internet Service Provider: I know, but that’s background ether; this is more personal.

Resident: (Mildly rolls eyes) Fine, come in.  (Allows Internet Service Provider inside, closes the door, and leads the way to the living room for them both to sit on the couch; Internet Service Provider smiles and holds out the roses and gift cards) I’m not accepting any gifts until I’ve heard everything.

Internet Service Provider: Understood.  (Sets the items aside on the couch) So!  We’ve been together for a long time now, haven’t we?

Resident: Yeah, I think about seven years now, right?

Internet Service Provider: Seven years, four months, 10 days, eight hours –

Resident: I get the picture.  Time flies, I guess.

Internet Service Provider: It sure does!  (Stares soulfully into Resident’s eyes) You’ve been happy this whole time, right?  I’ve made you happy this whole time, right?!

Resident: When you’re working right, yeah.

Internet Service Provider: (Smile is now strained) You know certain circumstances are out of my control.

Resident: Oh, I understand when the power’s out, thunderstorms, all that; not your fault, no problem.

Internet Service Provider: Thank you.

Resident: It’s the regular Internet outages on clear sunny days with absolutely nothing else going on that, shall we say, get me down.

Internet Service Provider: Again, that’s due to circumstances outside of my control –

Resident: Such as faulty equipment?

Internet Service Provider: It gets fixed right away, doesn’t it?!

Resident: Usually; I’ll give you that.

Internet Service Provider: (Wails) Then why do you want to leave me??!!

Resident: I told your customer service rep on the phone earlier: you priced yourself out of my budget.

Internet Service Provider: Quality costs money, you know that!

Resident: Then how come the same quality from another company costs almost half of what you charge?

Internet Service Provider: Because they’re sneaky little sell-outs!  You gotta watch your bill with them all the time, and they’d never take care of you like I do!

Resident: (Folds arms) OK then: make me a better offer.

Internet Service Provider: Is that what this is all about?  All our years of devotion to each other, boiled down to a question of mere money?!

Resident: Well, yes: I made that quite clear to your rep when I called.

Internet Service Provider: (Buries head in hands) How crass; how crude!

Resident: How practical.

Internet Service Provider: (Sits back up and sniffs indignantly) Very well: if “Expense” is the only language that you speak now, then I’ll once again prove my dedication and worthiness to you.  (Holds out the gift cards again) I think you’ll find these more than quench your insatiable greed for “reasonable compensation”.

Resident: (Stares at the cards coldly and briefly) Those would maybe cover the overage for a month or two – the new bill increase is forever.  Guess you don’t care about me as much as you claim to, huh.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops the cards, sputtering) But – I – you – inflation!

Resident: And again, your competition seems to be able to handle it while you continue to flounder, with spotty service to boot.

Internet Service Provider: (Draws up in a dignified rage and speaks in an extremely controlled voice) I can knock $25 off the new total.

Resident: One-time or going forward?

Internet Service Provider: Going forward.

Resident: (Does a few mental calculations) Not ideal, but enough for now to keep me from going through the hassle of switching providers and having strangers come in here to rip out all your stuff and then again to put in all new stuff.  That’s a headache, let me tell you.

Internet Service Provider: (Brightens) So, that’s it?  You’re staying?

Resident: (Nods) I’m staying.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops to the floor and grabs Resident’s knees) Oh, thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!!!

Resident: But!  (Internet Service Provider looks up) That bill goes up a single dollar after that and we’re through, got it?

Internet Service Provider: (Avoids Resident’s gaze while gathering up the items) Sure….

Resident: (Narrows eyes at Internet Service Provider, then grabs the flowers and the cards from the latter) And I’m keeping these, for the aggravation alone.

Internet Service Provider: (Stands with Resident) Of course, they’re for you!  Anything you want, everything I have is for you!

Resident: (Ushering Internet Service Provider to the door) Free modem rental, then?

Internet Service Provider: (Stops) Well, when I say “anything” –

Resident: Yeah – bye.  (Shoves Internet Service Provider out the door)

Internet Service Provider: (Leans back inside) Oh, one more thing: when you get the customer satisfaction survey, can you make sure to say how much I value you and how much you appreciate what I’ve done to treat you right and keep you with me forever?

Resident: At the moment, that’s debatable.

Story 478: What Would You Like for Valentine’s Day?

“What would you like for Valentine’s Day this year, dear?”

“Oh, you know me, nothing much.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Just going out to dinner at a fancy-casual restaurant would be enough.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And maybe some chocolates.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that diamond bracelet I’ve had my eye on for a while – now would be a good time to get that for me.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that trip to Mars everyone’s talking about – we should spend the weekend there while we think about colonizing it.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And you stopped listening to me four sentences ago.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Great.”

“Uh-huh.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

             “So, what would you like for Valentine’s Day, hon?”

“Oh hon, you know you don’t need to get me anything on a silly mini-holiday to prove your love!”

“Gee, thanks hon – ”

“But if you show up with nothing that day, we’re through.”

“YOU JUST SAID – !”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “So, you want flowers or candy this year for Valentine’s Day?”

“Um, candy would be fine, thanks!  What would you like?”

“The-new-zombie-apocalypse-crime-spree-scavenger-hunt-video-game-that-everyone-wants-so-it-keeps-selling-out – please.”

“That’s… a birthday-tier gift, darling.  Valentine’s Day is just cheap little quick-gifts, or marriage proposals.”

“Oh.  A pack of gum, then.”

“So romantic.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “I have a great idea for Valentine’s Day this year!”

“Awesome!  What is it?”

“Well, since it’s sort-of by a weekend again this year, we should pack our bags and fly out to ----- on Friday and do a whole romantic getaway there!  Whaddya say?”

“I’d say, isn’t that where the Super Bowl’s playing at the exact same time?”

“…What an amazing coincidence!”

“I’ll bet.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “You get me anything for Valentine’s Day this year?”

“Nah; you get me anything?”

“Nope.”

“Good – save our money for the heating bill.”

“Nice.  I always knew we were compatible.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Here: I know every year you always say we shouldn’t exchange gifts on Valentine’s Day, but every year we get each other something anyway.”

“Aw, thanks!  I actually did pick you up a little something – ”

“Knew it!  Let’s see... aw, babe, the deed to the world’s oil reserves, you shouldn’t have!”

“Oh, shush, you; like I said, just a little something.  And mine is… an all-inclusive trip to the Andromeda Galaxy!  Babe, what a nice little jaunt that’ll be!”

“Well, you know, it’s Valentine’s Day – no need to go all out.”