Story 566: “That” Relative at Thanksgiving

 [Disclaimer: This is not based on personal experience J]

(At the front door of a house, Relative 1 and Friend arrive carrying casserole dishes)

Friend: You sure they’re gonna like my mashed potatoes?

Relative 1: (Ringing the doorbell) Probably – and if they don’t, they’re decent enough to say so behind your back instead of to your face.

Friend: Oh good.

(Door is opened by Relative 2)

Relative 2: (As everyone hugs) Hiiiiii!!!  Happy Thanksgiving!  Glad you could make it!

Relative 1 and Friend: (As the group clusters into the vestibule) Happy Thanksgiving!

Relative 2: (Taking their coats and both dishes with practiced ease while also closing the front door) Come in, come in, make yourselves at home!  (Leans in with a low voice) Listen: just a heads-up that – ahem – Elder Cousin is also here today.

Relative 1: (Also in a low voice) What?  I haven’t seen her in years – I thought she died.

Relative 2: (Somehow smacks Relative 1 on the arm while still holding the coats and dishes) You hush your mouth!  No, she’s still with us, bless her heart, so I invited her today, and she came.  (Glares at Relative 1) So behave.

Relative 1: (Rubbing arm and mumbling) I always behave.

Relative 2: (Smiles at Friend) Would you like something to drink?

Friend: I’m good right now, thanks.

Relative 2: All righty – nibbles are out, so help yourselves!  I’ll be in the kitchen for the next five hours.  (Hustles off to toss the coats into a spare room and resume Mission: Thanksgiving Dinner)

Friend: (Whispers to Relative 1 as they make their way to the living room) Remind me: who’s “Elder Cousin”?

Relative 1: Oh, she’s technically the head of the extended family now by default, but we don’t see her so much on this side.  When she does make an appearance though, well….

Friend: What?

Relative 1: (They both stop walking) You ever been around someone who literally sucks the energy out of an entire room?

Friend: Once or twice.

Relative 1: Then you know.

Friend: So, the usual “don’t discuss religion and politics”, but in this case to the extreme?

Relative 1: Actually, those topics would probably be a welcome distraction today.

Friend: (As they start walking again) Oh, my.

(In the living room)

Relative 1: (Opens arms wide and smiles extremely broadly) Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Relatives 3-8: (Enthusiastically jump up from their seats) Happy Thanksgiving!

(Hugs and kisses all around take a few minutes)

Relative 1: (Still smiling broadly, turns to Elder Cousin seated on the couch) Happy Thanksgiving!  (Gives a kiss, then gestures to Friend who waves at Elder Cousin) Not sure if you met before, but this is my friend –

Elder Cousin: (To Friend) I remember you.

Friend: (Frozen smile) Oh?

Elder Cousin: We met briefly at Great-Granddad’s funeral.  You were very polite.

Friend: (Thinks back quickly) Oh… yes!  Thank you – that was…?

Elder Cousin: Seven years and two months ago.  I never forget a burial.

Friend: Ah.

Elder Cousin: (As Relatives 3-8 slowly sit down again on chairs and focus on the nibbles) It was like a dream that day: still summer, and yet there was a sudden frost so it almost looked like there was snow on the ground.  And Great-Granddad – so peaceful, yet I could still feel his judgement upon us all.

Friend: …I do remember the frost.

Elder Cousin: I should hope so, because it’s the last we’ll ever see this side of New Year’s, let me tell you.  Not that it’s ever done me any good.

Relative 1: (Claps hands briskly) Awesome!  So where’s the food?

Relative 3: (Leaps up from an armchair) I’ll get you a plate!  (Zooms toward the dining room where all the appetizers are laid out)

Relative 1: (Panics as escape has been foiled) No-no, I’ll get it –

Relative 3: I INSIST!  (Vanishes like the wind)

Elder Cousin: (Pats the couch on both sides of her; to Relative 1 and Friend) Have a seat.  (They sit slowly in the spots indicated)

Relative 1: Soooo… did you watch the parade today?

Elder Cousin: No.  Those things are displays of excess that crush the spirit.

Relative 1: Mm-hm, mm-hm…. Read any good books lately?

Elder Cousin: I haven’t read a good book in 50 years.

Relative 1: [Sighs in literal deflation]

(A few moments of silence, broken up by chewing)

Relative 4: (Perks up) We had the school play a few weeks ago – I was the lead.

Relatives 1, 5-8, and Friend: (All at once) Wonderful! That’s great!  Congratulations!

Elder Cousin: Enjoy the feeling while it lasts: you’ll never be on top of the world like that again.

Relative 4: Really?

Relative 5: (In a low voice to Relative 4) Don’t.

Elder Cousin: Experiences like that are fleeting, ephemeral – it feels amazing at the time, but passes all too soon and ultimately means nothing.  Makes you wonder why we even bother in the first place.

Relative 4: Oh.  Why do we bother?

Relative 5: (Pats Relative 4 comfortingly on the shoulder) It’s OK, dear – eat your cheese and crackers.

(Relative 2 rushes into the living room)

Relative 2: It’s done!  It’s finally done, ahahahahaha!  (Everyone else stares blankly back) Anybody want to help me bring all the stuff to the table or what?

(Relatives 4-8 leap up and run to the kitchen, grabbing Relative 3 holding an overflowing plate on the way)

Elder Cousin: (To Relative 1) You never got your plate of appetizers.  Want me to go tell that cousin of yours to bring it over with your dinner?

Relative 1: No, that’s OK – it’s a moot point now.

(Relative 1 and Friend walk with Elder Cousin to the dining room; plates and bowls continue to be brought in and glasses filled until there is no more room on the table, and everyone sits down)

Relative 2: (Smiling at the guests) I want to thank you all for coming today and sharing in our family tradition!  How about we all go around the table and say what we’re thankful for?  (Nods to Relative 6 nearby) You first.

Relative 6: (Raises a glass) That’s easy: I’m thankful for good health, good family, and good gravy, heh-heh-heh.

(Scattered chuckles across the table)

Relative 2: That’s great!  (To Elder Cousin) And what are you thankful for?

Elder Cousin: Not much: existence is a burden that we’re unjustly saddled with, and anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.  (After a few moments) Could somebody pass me the cranberry sauce?

Relative 2: (Hands over the bowl) Well, that was fun!  Dig in, everyone!

Relative 7: (As everyone starts dishing food onto their plates) Well, I’m thankful for –

Relative 8: Save it: the moment’s over.

Relative 7: Right.

(After a few minutes of contended eating)

Friend: (To Relative 2) Thank you so much for all this; everything tastes great!  (Murmurs of assent from full mouths around the table)

Relative 2: Aw, thank you!  You know the old joke: it takes weeks to prepare, days to make, and minutes for it all to be eaten up and gone, with hours of clean-up afterward…. (Looks off into the distance and sighs)

Elder Cousin: Exactly: no point to any of it.  Might as well pay someone to cater – save yourself the stress and also the time that we all have less and less of.  (Takes another helping of mashed potatoes) I mean, don’t get me wrong: everything here is delicious, you’re an excellent chef, but are we even going to remember what this tasted like a day from now, much less decades later when our memories slowly fade into oblivion?

Relative 4: (Raises hand) I will – (Relative 5 gently lowers the other’s hand)

Elder Cousin: You’re young yet: enjoy the company here today, child, for nothing is certain.

(Eating around the table gradually tapers off)

Relative 1: (Frantically) So!  How about those wacky politicians, eh?!

Relative 3: (Sitting on the other side of Relative 1, dazedly holding a turkey leg) You’re too late: I don’t even have the will to fight with you about that stuff anymore.

Relative 1: (Tears apart a roll) …Rats.

(During the massive clean-up, as many people as possible have crammed themselves into the kitchen so Relative 1 and Friend escort Elder Cousin back to their original positions on the living room couch)

Friend: Well, that was delicious.

Relative 1: Yeah, I don’t think I can fit another bite, so I’ll probably only be able to sample about half the desserts this year, if I’m lucky.  (Both chuckle)

Elder Cousin: Gluttony.

Friend: (To Elder Cousin) So what was your favorite dish?  (Relative 1 shakes head and widens eyes in warning at Friend)

Elder Cousin: (Shrugs) Eh, they all blur together into one giant carbohydrate.  Keep the insides ticking for another day, so that’s all that really matters, bottom line.

Friend: Uh-huh.

Elder Cousin: I do have a soft spot for that cranberry sauce, though.

Friend: It sure was tasty.

Elder Cousin: And your mashed potatoes were all right.

Friend: Thank you!

Elder Cousin: But the rest I could take or leave.

Relative 1: Aw, that’s too bad – maybe skip the whole thing next year, hm?!

Elder Cousin: I would, but I keep getting invited to these things no matter what comes out of my mouth; I guess the pull of family is too strong.

Relative 1: (Leans back on the couch and closes eyes contentedly while listening to the happy voices in the other room) The strongest force there is.

Story 555: Flashback Back to School

             (On a park trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate carefully over the uneven terrain)

Friend 2: (Gingerly stepping down a highlands hill) I can’t believe I let you talk me into taking the difficult trail this time.

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree trunk for the descent) C’mon, you can’t stay on the easy-to-moderate trails all your life, you’ve gotta branch out a little – ow!  (Stubs foot on an exposed tree root and nearly falls off the mini-mountain)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh: got another one>

Tree 2: <Sweet> (The two trees’ branches slap each other in triumph)

Friend 2: (Helping Friend 1 regain footing) Still, this is the most exercise I get in a week, so I suppose I should be grateful.

Friend 1: You’re welcome.  (The ground levels out slightly and they continue onward with minimal interruption)

Friend 2: And it’s great coming here after Labor Day, with no more summer state park fees, summer crowds, or summer weather.

Friend 1: But it’s still summer.

Friend 2: Yeah, technically, but you know as soon as Labor Day hits, fun time’s over.

Friend 1: (Takes a swig from a water bottle) Ugh, don’t remind me: I hate this time of year.

Friend 2: Well, sure, I know you love beaches and boardwalks and any excuse to have funnel cake, but you gotta admit that the cooling weather, changing leaves, and absence of shore traffic are definitely perks.

Friend 1: Oh, no doubt; I won’t argue with any of that.

Friend 2: Then what is it?

Friend 1: (Stops walking, stares at an osprey landing on a nesting pole in the distance, and sighs; through gritted teeth) Back.  To.  School.

Friend 2: (Also having stopped walking) You… haven’t gone back to school in over 20 years.

Friend 1: I know.  But the 17 I did during my formative era have been seared into my brain and will never leave, at least until the inevitable dementia’s in full force.  No, scratch that: with my luck, those’ll be the only memories I’ll have at that point.

Friend 2: (As they both start walking again) All right, going back to school after summer break was sad and annoying, but it wasn’t that bad.  We got to see all our friends again.

Friend 1: I saw them in just the right amounts during break, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: Some of the work was interesting.

Friend 1: To you, maybe: I was a terrible student and didn’t need a yearly reminder.

Friend 2: (Winces slightly) …You liked Band!  And Drama Club, don’t forget that!

Friend 1: (Chuckles) True, true.  I miss those geeks; made me feel superior to the nerds in Chess Club.

Friend 2: What about the athletes?

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about those dorks!

Friend 2: (Defensively) Hey, I was on the basketball team for three years in high school!

Friend 1: Oh right.  Well, you were OK.

Friend 2: (Shakes head in exasperation) Whatever – point is, for us, school was all right and not the faux-traumatic experience you’re acting like it was.

Friend 1: I’m not saying it was; I’m just saying I hate Back to School.  Every year, all the anxiety and pressure come flooding back in like they never left.

Friend 2: Oh, well, then just… don’t think about it, I guess.

Friend 1: I have yet to hear an instance where that suggestion has ever worked for anything.

(That night, Friend 1 lies in bed, staring at a digital clock on the lamp table)

Friend 1: Mm-hm: at this time 20+ years ago, I was dreading the first day of high school… first day of middle school… (Starts drifting to sleep) elementary school… kindergarten… pre… schooooooolllll….

THE DREAM

(In a never-ending hallway filled with students, Friend 1 stands in the exact center, dressed like a 1990s teenager but still with a 2020s face, carrying a backpack and holding several textbooks with paper bag covers in one arm and an illegible class schedule in the other hand)

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically through the streams of passing students, gigantic lockers, and infinite closed doors as many bells constantly ring) Where’s my classroom?!  WHERE’S MY CLASSROOM????!!!!

(Suddenly seated in the very front row of a classroom, Friend 1 strains to read what is written on the overwhelming chalkboard)

Friend 1: (Squinting) Three times – Brontë, who – apartheid, when – igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic rocks, that – mi chiamo, che – differential equations?!

Teacher: (Standing at the front of the classroom, head almost touching the ceiling and growing every second) Now class, please turn in your reports on the entire science textbook that were due today.

Friend 1: (As all the other students hold out packets of neatly typed reports with perfectly formatted cover sheets) But – but – today is the first day of school – ?

Teacher: (Leans down from the heights to get in Friend 1’s face) THIS WAS YOUR SUMMER READING PROJECT!  YOU HAD MORE THAN TWO MONTHS TO COMPLETE IT!

Friend 1: But – but – a report on a science textbook?

Teacher: THE ENTIRE BOOK!

Friend 1: But – but – I don’t have it –

Teacher: YOU’D BETTER HAVE IT BY TOMORROW OR YOU’LL REPEAT THIS GRADE BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED IT!  (Straightens up and addresses the rest of the room) Now class, let’s begin our study of the American, English, and Russian Civil Wars by simultaneously proving Fermat’s Last Theorem and translating the Constitution of France into Middle English, backwards –

(Friend 1’s eyes snap open as a buzzing cell phone nearly falls off the lamp table)

Friend 1: (Answering the phone) Hellllllllooooooo????

Friend 2: (On a cell phone at an office desk) You sound awful – everything OK?

Friend 1: It is now; what’s up?

Friend 2: Well, I was gonna leave a message just checking on whether you’ve gotten over your “Back to School Phobia” or whatever it is you have going on.

Friend 1: (Lies back and rubs forehead) Actually, I just woke up from a nightmare about the whole thing, and it was probably the worst dream I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Friend 2: Oh, wow, that stinks.

Friend 1: Yeah.  But, in a strange way, I think it may have been exactly what I needed.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, it was so ridiculously and unrealistically horrible that now my actual memories aren’t so bad in comparison.

Friend 2: (Leans back in desk chair in triumph) So: I was right.

Friend 1: Don’t rub it in.  Suffice it to say, I am now at peace with Back to School and can look upon that time fondly and enjoy this season at last.

Friend 2: Good, because the reason why I was only going to leave a message instead of having this full-blown conversation is that I figured at this point in the day you’d be at post-school era, adult-world work, so now I think you’re about two hours late.

Friend 1: …I wanna go back to school.

Story 541: I Thought Memorial Day Was for Summer Barbecues?

            (On the phone)

Friend 1: Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: Hi, just checking: do you have Memorial Day off this year?

Friend 1: Yes!  For the first time in almost 10 years, work finally didn’t schedule me on the most beloved of three-day weekends.  Of course, the one time it happened, it doesn’t matter: holiday’s ruined before it even started.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, my family was going to have an outdoor barbecue with the pool and the volleyball and the cornhole and the fireworks and everything and it was going to be awesome, but the forecast is calling for torrential downpours that day and we can’t do any of that stuff inside so they called it off and now I’m depressed.

Friend 2: Oh.  I actually was checking if you’d like to go to the parade with me that day, and since they’re having it rain or shine it seems you’re now available for it.

Friend 1: …Parade?

Friend 2: Yes, the Memorial Day parade our town’s having.

Friend 1: ….             

Friend 2: It takes over Main Street for three hours every year – surely you’re at least aware of that?

Friend 1: …Vaguely.

Friend 2: You do know what Memorial Day is about, don’t you?!

Friend 1: …Vaguely.

Friend 2: I’ll pick you up at 9:30 that morning – good-bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Lowers the phone and stares into the middle distance) …Our town has a Main Street?

MEMORIAL DAY

(In a steady rainfall, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are wearing raincoats and waving small American flags while standing with others lining the sidewalks of Main Street, watching the floats and musicians parade by and speeches made on a covered dais)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 during a brief break in the festivities) You know, I’m glad you dragged me out here super early on my day off – seeing all the active service members, veterans, and their families, and listening about how much they’ve sacrificed for our freedom and safety really makes me appreciate all the good things in my life and want to hug everyone here.

Friend 2: Glad to hear it.  Sorry you didn’t get to also go to your barbecue.

Friend1: (Shrugs) I suppose there’s always next year, but work’ll probably come to their senses and go back to scheduling me that day again.  (They watch the parade resume and start waving their flags again) I wish I’d been more aware of all this earlier in my life.  Did you know that all of May is National Military Appreciation Month?

Friend 2: (Freezes in mid-flag wave) I… never knew that.  How could I have not have known that?!

Friend 1: (Waves the flag self-satisfiedly) Guess you just learn something new every day, huh.

Friend 2: (Purses lips while waving the flag) How about you never bring that up again, and I’ll never bring up the fact that until last week you thought that Memorial Day existed just so you could go to a barbecue?

Friend 1: Sounds reasonable.

Story 540: How to Deal When the Ants Go Marching

            (Belowground)

Lead Scout Ant: (Addressing the colony) My fellows!  At long last, we have found the ultimate source of food and water that we have been searching for these many, many, many days!

Ants: (Waving their antennae in celebration) Hurrah!  Hurrah!

Lead Scout Ant: Abundance and plenty, ours for the taking!

Ants: Hurrah!  Hurrah!

Lead Scout Ant: And all we need do is travel to the surface, and seize everything in sight and scent!

Ants: Hurrah!  Hurrah!

Queen: (Perched on a throne of eggs waiting to hatch) Question: when you say “surface,” do you mean in a natural area or in a human-made area?

Lead Scout Ant: (Less enthusiastic) The second one.

Ants: Hurr – oh.  (Lower antennae)

Queen: Yeah, I can’t sanction such an expedition.

Lead Scout Ant: But food and water galore!

Queen: And when you’re all inevitably caught, you’ll not only get yourselves wiped out but those monsters up above will trick at least one of you into carrying back horrific poison that’ll wipe us all out.  So, no: find another source of abundance and plenty.

Lead Scout Ant: Rest assured, Your Majesty: in my forays, I checked with our eight-legged comrades – from a safe distance – and the general consensus is that this particular surface-dweller is what its species calls a “soft touch” when it comes to sharing space with fellow creatures.

Queen: Yes, well, those comrades are only suffered to remain in order to keep out the rest of us.  There’s a world of difference between “sharing space” and “full-on invasion” that we’ll be bringing on.

Lead Scout Ant: …On the refrigerator door I saw the markings “P-E-T-A” that you told us to look out for.

Queen: Sold.  (Raises front legs in triumph) CHAAAAARGGGGGGE!!!!

Ants: (Waving antennae again) Hurrah!  Hurrah! 

THE NEXT MORNING 

(Aboveground.  Homeowner wakes up slowly, sleepily walks from the bedroom down the hall, enters the kitchen, and freezes in horror)

Homeowner: (Staring at the lines of ants all over the place) Invaded!  I’ve been home invaded!  How did you all even get in??!!  (Tries to hop around the columns on the floors and the random wanderers who do not seem to know where they are going, but accidentally steps on some and sees that others had been trampled during the trip from the bedroom) Sorry – ooh – sorry – seriously though, you all have got – to – go!

Lead Scout Ant: It’s OK: we go into this expecting collateral damage.

(Homeowner reaches the bedroom, grabs a cell phone, and selects a contact)

Friend: (Voice) Hey, what’s up?

Homeowner: I’m under attack!

Friend: Oh my gosh – why are you calling me; call 911!

Homeowner: I can’t; they won’t come here to deal with ants!

Friend: Oh.  Is that all?

Homeowner: “Is that all?”!  They’re everywhere!

Friend: Leave any food out?

Homeowner: Never!  Well maybe a little –

Friend: No one to blame but yourself, then.

Homeowner: Listen: no one likes to hear “I told you so” on a good day, and right now I am two seconds away from never speaking to you again.

Friend: Fine, fine: what do you want me to do about it, then?

Homeowner: I need the number of that you company you called back when you had the ant problem!

Friend: Oh.  Why not just call an exterminator?  Or set out some bait traps?

Homeowner: You know I’m not a mass murderer!

Friend: Ugh, they’re just ants.

Homeowner: And we’re just apes with airs – at least they’re not killing our shared home as we speak!

Friend: No, they’re just sharing your home, eating your food, and spreading disease as we speak.

Homeowner: Point taken.  We’re never going to agree on these basic fundamentals of life, but your last roommate did and made you call that company that got rid of the ants without massacring them and I need that number now before they decide to breach the perimeter of my bedroom and try their luck here!

Friend: All right, calm down – I think I still have a card somewhere around here.  I remember the whole experience was kind of weird, though –

Homeowner: (Sees several ants hovering in the bedroom doorway) I DON’T CARE!  (Slams the door shut)

Ant 1: (To Ant 2) What was that for?  They all know we just go underneath.

Ant 2: I think the human is feeling a bit defensive right now – we’ll come back later.

Lead Scout Ant: (From the kitchen table) Hey everybody, I just found two whole crumbs under a placemat here!

Ants: SCORE! 

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER 

(There is a knock on the front door; Homeowner sets aside a dustpan and broom and hops over to answer it; Contractor is waiting, casually staring off to the side)

Homeowner: Hi, yes?

Contractor: (Turns to face Homeowner, whipping off sunglasses) You the one with the ant problem?

Homeowner: (Opens the door wider) Yes!  Thank you so much for coming over right away!

Contractor: (Tucks sunglasses into a faux leather jacket pocket, enters the house, and gingerly steps around the ant lines) Sure: we’re extremely specialized, so we’re never busy.  Where’s the source?

Homeowner: Oh, I think it’s these floorboards right outside the bathroom – no idea why, though: there aren’t any exterior windows or doors anywhere near it, but they just keep coming!  (Leads Contractor to that part of the house)

Contractor: (Slowly lowers down to the floor and watches the continual outpouring of the army) Um-hm.  Probably a crack in the foundation – there could be hundreds of thousands of these suckers, just waiting on line for their turn.

Homeowner: (Almost swoons) “Hundreds of thousands”?

Contractor: (Stands) Yep.  You could set poison bait and kill them all excruciatingly slowly, while also exposing yourself to even more chemicals than you’re already getting on a daily basis – BUT, since you called us, you clearly realize there’s a better way for all involved.

Homeowner: Please, anything: I don’t care how much it costs, I don’t even care how long it takes at this point, I just want them out!

Contractor: Very well.  (Reaches into another jacket pocket, pulls out a piece of chalk with a flourish, crouches down to the bathroom door sill, firmly and dramatically draws two thick lines on either side of the gap where the ants are emerging, and stands again, definitively) There.  That oughta do it.

Homeowner: (Looking expectantly at the floor) So now what, you set up your equipment to lure them all to where you marked off and they return from whence they came?

Contractor: No – this is it.

Homeowner: (Blinks at Contractor in disbelief) …What do you mean, “this is it”?!  “This” was nothing!  “This” was chalk!

Contractor: Yeah, no one’s quite sure how it works: it’s either the scent or they don’t like the texture, but either way they don’t want to cross the line.  You’ll still have the ones already out here, but no one else’ll be wanting to come in anytime soon, I guarantee it.

Ant 2,374: (Starts to emerge from the gap, then stops) Ah!  Chalk lines!  Flee!

Ants Below: Flee!

Queen: Figures.

Homeowner: I don’t believe this!  Your company is charging a ton of money, and all you did is draw lines that a child could do?!

Contractor: (Hands the chalk to Homeowner) Here: on the house.

Homeowner: What – ?!

Contractor: Reapply if necessary, but I highly doubt you’ll need to.  It’s quite effective.

Homeowner: It’s chalk!

Contractor: If for some reason a few enterprising souls manage to get through, the old stand-by then is duct tape.

Homeowner: DUCT TAPE!!

Contractor: The old adage that it works for everything is absolutely true, but it’s the more unsightly solution of the two so we usually go with the one that can be cleaned up later.  If they start coming in through the windows or doors though, I’d suggest you switch from chalk to caulk, heh-heh.

Homeowner: I refuse to believe that a massive army of single-minded creatures –

Ants: Hey!

Homeowner: – can be completely thwarted by something so juvenilely simplistic!  This has to be a scam – nothing’s this easy and actually works!

Contractor: (Mildly exasperated) OK: we can get some diatomaceous earth that will cut through their exoskeletons and slowly dry them out so they die of dehydration; you want to do that instead?

Homeowner: Ew, no.  Ew.

Contractor: So: chalk, and/or duct tape.  Spritz some peppermint oil or sprinkle some ground cinnamon if that makes you feel useful, but I’m telling you, the solution really is that simple.

Homeowner: (Stares at the piece of chalk) I guess I still have to pay you the full amount, huh.

Contractor: You know it.  But here, since I’m feeling so generous with my expertise – (Whips out two more pieces of chalk, positions them on either side of the remaining groups of ants, and draws lines that lead from the hallway to the open living room window, including the wall and sill) That should take care of the stragglers.

Lead Scout Ant: (As the remaining ants regroup) Will this madness never end?!  First we’re cut off from the colony, and now we’re being herded outdoors?!

Ant 3: At least it’s fresh air.

Lead Scout Ant: Not the point!

Homeowner: (Had followed Contractor into the living room) And they’ll all troop on out of here, just like that?

Contractor: I think you know the answer to that.  (They stare at each other for a few moments) I’ll e-mail you the final bill.  (Heads to the front door, opens it, then turns back) Oh, and don’t forget: you signed the non-disclosure agreement before I got here, so no revealing company secrets or we sue.  And free piece of advice: clean up after yourself when you eat – I could make a meal out of all the crumbs I’m seeing around here.  (Slaps the sunglasses back on) PEACE!  (Leaves)

Homeowner: (To the chalk) I was wondering why I had to sign a legal document for something so trivial. 

SEVERAL HOURS LATER 

(Homeowner is napping on the living room couch when the cell phone rings)

Homeowner: (Groggily sees that Friend is calling) Howdy.

Friend: (Voice) So, how’s the infestation?

Homeowner: (Sighs wearily) Over, thank goodness.  I finally finished scrubbing the floors and washing everything in the kitchen; if nothing else, this place hasn’t been so clean in years.

Friend: I’ll bet.  They make you sign the NDA?

Homeowner: (Sits up, more alert) Yes!  I’m assuming that’s why you didn’t just tell me how to take care of all this!

Friend: Got it in one: even though my roommate is the one who called them, I had to sign it too since I live there.

Homeowner: But how would they ever have known that you’d told me what to do?!

Friend: Hey: I’m not a liar.

Homeowner: Whatever.  I’m just trying to ignore that I had to spend an unspeakable amount of money on something that turns out I could’ve found myself through an Internet search.

Friend: Really?  Huh – for once I didn’t think of doing that first.

Homeowner: Me neither: the panic kept us from thinking clearly.

Lead Scout Ant: (Bringing up the rear of the ants leaving through the window, turns to shake a leg angrily at Homeowner) You may have won this round, but we’ll be back!  We’ll find our colony again, and swarm you like you’ve never been swarmed before, and victory will be ours, ahahahahaha – !

Homeowner: Hang on a sec: got a few remnants here.  (Grabs the chalk, walks over to the windowsill, and draws a line behind the exiting ants)

Lead Scout Ant: Curses!  (Flees with the others through the screen to the outdoors)

Homeowner: (Settles back onto the couch and tosses away the chalk) There – hopefully, that is that.

Friend: Well, if nothing else, I’m sure you feel satisfied knowing that you didn’t kill off thousands of critters in a torturous way or whatever you go on about.

Homeowner: I do, yes.  My credit card will have to be consoled with that fact, too.

Story 534: Easter Washout

            Friend 1: (Answers phone) Hi, what’s up?

Friend 2: (On phone) Not much – just wanted to wish you and your family a Happy Easter!

Friend 1: Aw, thanks!  Normally I’d wish you and your family a Happy Passover at the same time, but apparently the lunar cycles went rogue and we’re not holiday buddies this year.

Friend 2: Oh well, it happens.  So, you still heading out to your cousins’ house for dinner today?

Friend 1: But of course: as long as I never have to host any of these things, I’m happy.

Friend 2: It’s just that all the rain we’ve had this week’s overflowed the creeks and rivers and swamps and there’s flooding everywhere.

Friend 1: Oh.  Right.  The rain.  How I loathe it.

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s been a bit of a drag lately – I know we’re coming up on “April showers bring May flowers,” but this is ridiculous.

Friend1: What May flowers?!  It’s been raining nonstop since September so all the flowers who eventually appear will drown!

Friend 2: It hasn’t been that bad –

Friend 1: It has too been that bad!  I didn’t realize this part of the country had transformed into Seattle sometime in the last 10 years, yet here we are!  I was shocked that one day in February we actually had snow when it was zip in that department for a straight 23 months!

Friend 2: Great, no frost; the flowers should be fine, then.

Friend 1: No, no!  This half of the Earth didn’t properly hibernate and reset, so when it’s time for flowers to bloom there’ll be bupkis instead!  The constant deluge will wash all the seeds away, and whatever managed to hang on will wait until July when it’s finally dry enough to emerge, then poke their heads out of the ground for two seconds just in time to shrivel up and die because it now over 100°F in the shade!

Friend 2: It’s not that terrible – I still see plenty of flowers out in the spring.

Friend 1: What spring?!  We get cold rain and warm rain, and that’s it!  And today’s Easter, the holiday of renewal and rebirth, and all I see are no flowers, and sheets and sheets of polluted water!

Friend 2: Well, maybe next week’ll be better since it’ll be the start of April.

Friend 1: The Earth doesn’t know that it’s April next week!  All it knows is it’s got a fever that it’s trying and failing to sweat out!

Friend 2: OK, anyway, you have a Happy Easter regardless of having to row to your family dinner – I’m hanging up now.

Friend 1: Thanks.  If my cousins’ house is now surrounded by a moat though, I am turning around and rowing back home, I don’t care how much chocolate the Easter Bunny has waiting for me.

Friend 2: Wow.  Situation must be worse than I thought.

Friend 1: You have no idea.

Story 529: I Forgot to Treat Myself on Valentine’s Day

             (At a café table)

Friend 2: – so now we all have to work overtime again hoping we at least break even, and I’m getting so tired of the whole thing I might finally quit.

Friend 1: Really?  But you’ve been there for years.

Friend 2: I know, and I won’t quit; it just feels better saying I might.

Friend 1: Know the feeling.

(They both sip their drinks in companionable silence)

Friend 2: So!  Yesterday must’ve been rough for you, huh.

Friend 1: In what way?

Friend 2: Wasn’t it Ash Wednesday?

Friend 1: Oh!  That.  Have to admit, I’m one of those Roman Catholics who got their ashes and a brief prayer from a chaplain at work, and skipped the rest.  Although, I restrained myself and did not have my usual Wednesday pizza for dinner so, go me.

Friend 2: Yeah, but this year it fell on Valentine’s Day.

Friend 1: (Eyes widen slowly in horror) …Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????!!!!!!

Friend 2: Yeah, somebody else I know was feeling down because they had to celebrate Valentine’s Day a few days early this time because day-of they had to fast and abstain and all that, so they got stuck doing their date night on Super Bowl Sunday which turned out to be another inconveniently scheduled event this year.  And I know you give up chocolate for Lent, so that must’ve been a real drag yesterday when you normally would’ve been celebrating the “holiday of love” with, you know, yourself.

Friend 1: (Still staring in shock) Valentine’s Day was yesterday?!

Friend 2: Yeah, how could you miss it?  All the stuff for it was on sale the day after Christmas.

Friend 1: But – but – I completely forgot to buy myself candy hearts and bouquets of chocolate roses and sea salt caramels and gourmet dinner!  What kind of soul mate am I to myself if I forget the biggest self-love holiday of the year?!

Friend 2: You can still do all that stuff now; just eliminate one ingredient and you’ll be fine.

Friend 1: No, don’t you see it’s too late and now I’m entrenched in the season of deprivation?!  Mardi Gras was right there too and I blew it!  (Sinks head onto the table and groans in annoyance)

Friend 2: (Finishes the drink) That’s too bad – gonna make yourself sleep on the couch tonight, then?

Friend 1: (Looks up again) Yes!

Friend 2: Ohhh-kaaaay….

(At Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: (Staring morosely at various bags of chocolate candy on the kitchen counter) And we didn’t even get a proper good-bye.  (Scoops up the bags, throws them into a cabinet, and welds the door shut) See you in a month-and-a-half.  (Goes to the living room, lies down on the couch, and takes a nap)

[Dream]

Friend 1a: (Entering the apartment) Whoo!  That was an obnoxious day.

Friend 1b: (Cooking dinner on the stove) I’ll bet.  So, you got something for me?

Friend 1a: Umm… love and respect?

Friend 1b: No, idiot: Valentine’s Day candy!

Friend 1a: That’s today?!

Friend 1b: No, idiot: it falls on Ash Wednesday this year so you were supposed to do the last hurrah the day before!

Friend 1a: How could I have missed this?!

Friend 1b: Since you can’t even seem to remember the explicit date of February 14 that’s so embedded with the holiday they’re practically twins, I shouldn’t be surprised that this liturgical calendar complication slipped your notice as well.

Friend 1a: All right, all right, I’ll go get some chocolate candy now!

Friend 1b: It’s too late: all the stores are closed, it’s midnight so it’s already Ash Wednesday and the sacrifice begins!

Friend 1a: How can it be midnight; I just got home from work!

Friend 1b: Who cares about all that?!  You never think about my needs; it’s always you-you-you, and your chronic obliviousness!

Friend 1a: (Collapses onto a kitchen chair) What am I gonna do?!  One of the few times of the year where it’s socially acceptable to overindulge in sweets, and now that I missed it by one day I’ve gotta wait another 46 before happiness is mine again!

Friend 1b: (Now has a suitcase and is wearing a coat) This is just typical: not only are you missing the whole point of the season, but your one job is to keep me supplied in chocolate bliss for 9/10ths of the year and you failed on the holiday where it counts the most.

Friend 1a: What about Halloween?

Friend 1b: Halloween isn’t about love!  This is, and you clearly don’t love me!

Friend 1a: Well, you can be a bit of a pain sometimes.

Friend 1b: Aha!  There it is: the inevitable resentment buried within the essence of supposed “true love.”  I’m leaving, and you’ll have to sleep on the couch from now on!

Friend 1a: …But why, if you’re leaving?

Friend 1b: (On the way out the door) Maybe I’ll see you in 46 days, but you’d better have all the chocolate heart boxes that go on sale later this week, and all the chocolate bunnies and all the chocolate eggs for Easter, or we’re through!  (Slams the door, which makes Friend 1 wake up)

[/Dream]

Friend 1: Wow.  Good thing I’m not in a relationship for real – I’d never make it past any holiday.

Story 514: Lost in the Corn Maze… in Broad Daylight

            (At a local farm temporarily converted into a Halloween/Autumn Extravaganza, Friend 1 and Friend 2 follow several groups of families and friends to a corn maze entrance in the late afternoon)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 as they wait on the steadily moving line) You sure you don’t want to do this one with me?  I doubt it’s much trickier than the haunted barn we just went through.

Friend 2: Yes, I’m still trying to figure out how we managed to get turned around in there when it’s only one way – that demonic sorceress and rabid wolf-man were helpful in guiding us to the emergency exit, though.

Friend 1: Hey, it’s not my fault there’s barely any light in those things and the glow-in-the-dark paint only makes it worse.  The screaming teenagers didn’t help my concentration, either.

Friend 2: Yeah, all that stuff’s kind of the point.  So, you go have fun not learning your lesson and getting lost in an even bigger space that’s an actual maze this time – I’m exiting through the gift shop and stocking up on the pumpkins and lawn ornaments I forgot to get this year until literally days before Halloween.

Friend 1: Sucker: these places always get you with their unnecessary tchotchkes that no one can live without.  (Checks watch) Whelp, this place closes in about half an hour so if I don’t come out in 20 minutes, send in the search party, heh-heh.

Friend 2: You’re hilarious.  (Squints at the setting Sun that is deceptively high in the sky) At least it’s still sunny now this time of year, so it shouldn’t be too “scary” in there.

Friend 1: Yeah.  (Briefly removes cap to wipe sweat off brow) Although the 80° F weather right before November is probably the scariest part of this whole outing.

Employee: (Dressed as a killer accountant and taking tickets from customers as they enter the corn maze) Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare….

Friend 1: (Hands over ticket) Of course I dare, I forked over $5 for the pleasure of getting temporarily lost, didn’t I?

Employee: Well, if you’d like to do the speed run, take the first right and after a few turns in either direction keep the highway on your right to make your way back; if you want total immersion, take the aisle ahead allllllllll the way to the end and then try to make your way back… IF YOU DARE!

Friend 1: I already said – !

Employee: Sorry; I got a limited script to work with here.  Maze is only one square mile so I suggest doing the longer version to get your money’s worth.

Friend 1: Thanks!  (To Friend 2 while walking backward down the long aisle, surrounded by high cornstalks) And you never saw me again…. (Disappears behind leaves and ears)

Employee: (Cups mouth to shout) And don’t eat any of the corn, please!

Friend 2: Seriously, people do that?

Employee: Trust me, people do anything.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 2 wheels a cart filled with pumpkins and decorations to the corn maze entrance)

Friend 2: (To Employee who is packing up gear) Excuse me, did you happen to see if my friend left a little while ago or is still in there?

Employee: Nope, and everybody’s out.

Friend 2: That can’t be right; this place isn’t that big and no one was at the car for me to dump all this stuff off.

Employee: (Checks counter) Hmmmmm… must have miscounted…. (Looks down at accountant costume) Now that’s ironic.

Friend 2: (Sighs, sets down the cart, takes out a phone, and selects a contact) Unbelievable – would get lost trying to get out of a paper bag.  (Listens to phone ringing on the other end)

Friend 1: (Voice) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: You’re lost in there, aren’t you.

Friend 1: (Voice) …Noooooo….

Friend 2: You went into that thing in broad daylight, and giggling children made it out of there faster.

Friend 1: (Standing in the center of the corn maze with five different openings radiating outward) I seem to have been sucked into The Labyrinth – which path should I choose…?

Friend 2: Oh for crying out loud – (To Employee) Is there a shortcut in this thing?

Employee: Uhhhh.... (Looks warily and the lower Sun) They don’t want us in there after dark.

Friend 2: I’m sure your bosses also don’t want the bad publicity of a lost customer making a scene in the super-easy maze!

Employee: I’m not talking about my bosses; I’m talking about – (Points to the darkening cornfield) Them.

Friend2: You can drop the act, it’s almost closing time.

Employee: Oh no, I am deadly serious.  `Twas the bargain made, for us mortals to use the cornfield for the amusement of the kiddies.  Rule #1: DO NOT EAT THE CORN.

Friend 2: Oh, jeez.

Employee: And Rule #2: DO NOT REMAIN AMONGST THE CORN AFTER SUNSET.

Friend 2: Well, we’re in luck, `cause sunset’s not for another hour thanks to the perennial nuisance Daylight Savings Time being scheduled later than it used to in years past.

Employee: (Thinks on this) Oh, right.  Guess that’s still around, huh.

Friend 2: (Whips out a flashlight) Yes!  So: I’m going in there to get my idiot designated driver out, and it would be most helpful if you led the way so that we all get out of each others’ lives all the faster!

Friend 1: (Voice) I can still hear you, you know.

Friend 2: (Places phone on speaker and straps it to an armband) Sorry for the name-calling, but this really does take the boneheaded cake.

Friend 1: (Voice) Hey!

Friend 2: (As Employee takes out a flashlight, places a barrier across the maze entrance, and they both enter the maze) Not sorry on that one.

(They navigate through the maze, having to turn on the flashlights several minutes in as their surroundings darken)

Employee: (To Friend 2’s phone) Can you hear the highway to your right or your left?

Friend 1: (Voice) Um, right – no, left – wait, I think it’s behind me – now it’s in front – !

Friend 2: Stop moving!

Friend 1: (Voice) Got it.

Employee: (Nervously checks watch) Ooh, only 53 minutes left….

Friend 2: (Through gritted teeth) Would-you-get-a-grip – ?  (A deer suddenly leaps out of nearby cornstalks and dashes across the path in front of them) OH MY GOSH!

Friend 1: (Voice) What?  What’s happening?  Is the maze taking you?!

Friend 2: No, it was just a sudden deer!  Watch out for them now, OK?  It’s their dinnertime.

Employee: I guess they’re allowed to eat the corn –

Friend 2: Oh shut it!

(Friend 1 activates the cell phone’s flashlight, then uses it to peer closer at one of the cornstalks)

Friend 1: Wait a minute… I’ve passed this ear before!

(Friend 2 and Employee round a corner and stop on seeing Friend 1)

Friend 2: Ah, finally.  (Ends the phone call and Friend 1 does the same) Only you – only you –

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically) Ssh: we’ve got bigger problems.

Friend 2: Yes: your lack of direction, for starters.

Friend 1: No, I mean, I’ve been hearing things in here, rustling things, gnawing things –

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s the deer, eating the corn, let’s go!

Friend 1: (Still looking around) No, not deer; something bigger, hungrier…. (Faces the other two ominously and whispers) We’re not alone in here!

Employee: (In a shrieking whisper) I knew it!  It’s THEM!  And they’re – (Checks watch) 48 minutes early!

Friend 2: (Moves to a different spot in order to shine the flashlight at the other two) I never thought I would need to use Parent Mode on full-grown adults, but here it is: I am going to count to three, and you are going to start walking as fast as you can back to the entrance before I get to three, got it?!  (The other two stare) One!  (They run down the path that Friend 2 and Employee originally took) Wow, that really does work.  (Follows them at a slower pace, then after several turns stops when seeing their non-moving backs; in an annoyed tone) Why are we stopped?

Employee: I… think I took a wrong turn – or five.

Friend 2: Un – freaking – believable.  (Listens for several seconds) All right: the highway’s that way – (Gestures with the flashlight in that direction) I’m going through.  (Starts pushing through the cornstalks toward the outer edge of the maze)

Employee: (Gasps in horror) You can’t!  The corn!

Friend 2: Bill me!  (Peeks head back into the maze; to Friend 1) You coming or what?!

Friend 1: Oh, right.  (Follows Friend 2 through the stalks)

Employee: (Hops indecisively from foot-to-foot, then turns toward the sound of loudly rustling cornstalks getting closer, and closer, and closer, and – ) I’m outta here!  (Runs through the cornstalks after the other two and falls out of the maze and onto the surrounding grassy field) Forgive meeeee – !  (Thunk)

Friend 2: Oh good, you made it out alive; let’s go before somebody steals my pumpkins if they haven’t already.  (Walks toward the abandoned cart and the brightly lit parking lot)

Friend 1: (Helps Employee up from the ground) Well, thanks for coming in after me – I no doubt would’ve made it out eventually, so sorry for the trouble.

Employee: (Keeps looking back at the maze) No trouble – part of the job to find wayward souls…. (Once they are past the maze entrance, Employee grabs Friend 1’s arm and hisses) Now: run for your life and never come back!  (Runs to a car and takes off without even clocking out for the day)

Friend 1: (Shrugs, then returns to the car where Friend 2 is waiting with the cart of supplies) Well, that certainly was exciting, wasn’t it?

Friend 2: (As they load up the trunk and then wheel the cart back to where others are parked) Yeah, I’m never going with you to another Halloween event ever again.

Friend 1: Oh, it wasn’t that bad – that employee sure was getting into though, right?

Friend 2: I almost got run over by a deer!  That would have been a very real nightmare: I just know my health insurance would never have covered it!

Friend 1: (Winces as they both get into the car and drive to the exit) Sorry about that – I really didn’t think I’d get that lost in such a family-friendly setting.  And I’m pretty certain there was something other than deer in there with us.

Friend 2: I admit, you might be right about that: there could’ve been monsters of the human kind in there, which is even worse.

Friend 1: (Begins the long wait to make a left-hand turn onto the busy highway) Yeah: that’s the kind of Halloween scare no one wants.

(Ten minutes later, the car screeches onto the highway between unending waves of two-way traffic as several figures watch from the darkness of the corn maze)

Figure 1: Huh: we almost got some this time.

Figure 2: Well, good thing for them they managed to escape before The Night – staying past operating hours is just plain rude.

Story 509: Off-Season Day at the Beach

(At a sparsely-populated beach on an extremely overcast day, Friend 1 trundles along a cart of supplies to a spot just above the continental shelf, then sets up a chair, towels, and large umbrella in ever-strengthening wind before stretching out on the chair with a book and a sigh)

Friend 1: So peaceful…. (Phone rings; Friend 1 digs through a huge bag of stuff to answer it) Mm-hello?

Friend 2: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to start pouring rain there in less than an hour, right?

Friend 1: (Dons a pair of sunglasses) I choose to spend the last day of summer wringing every ounce of joy out of the primary place I associate with the season, yes.

Friend 2: Fall started around 3 a.m. this morning – last day of summer was yesterday.

Friend 1: Oh.  I thought it was sunset today?

Friend 2: Nope.

Friend 1: Drat.  Well, I had to work yesterday so I wouldn’t’ve been able to come here anyway.  This will be the last observed day of summer, then.

Friend 2: Suit yourself – don’t go swimming since there’re no lifeguards, and even if you just dip your toes in, watch out for the riptides.

Friend 1: Know what?  You’re really harshing my mellow, good-bye.  (Moves to end the call)

Friend 2: And still put on sunscreen – (Call is disconnected)

Friend 1: (Dumps the phone into the bag and ratchets the chair back another notch) Now, where were we…?  (Begins to doze off)

(Surfers drift over through the waves in Friend 1’s view, hovering in that area and continuously getting wiped out)

Surfers: Again!

(A lone lifeguard patrols the beach, blowing the whistle at everyone knee-deep and higher in the water)

Lifeguard: (Several feet away from Friend 1, tweets long and loud and points at a swimmer who is several waves away from the shore) YOU!  OUT!

Swimmer: (Paddles over) But I thought the swimmer on the flags meant we could swim here!

Lifeguard: There’s a line right through it!  And it’s red!  And summer’s over!  And there are no lifeguard stations spaced at regular intervals anywhere!  Or lifeguards!  Is this your first day ever on a beach?!

Swimmer: (Finally out of the water) If there are no lifeguards, who are you, then?

Lifeguard: The remnant left to scoop up twits like you!  (Sees the surfers and blows the whistle at them) ALL OF YOU!  SKEDADDLE!  AND RIGHT BY THE ROCKS, NO LESS!  EVERYONE HERE WANTS TO BE LOST AT SEA, I JUST KNOW IT!

Surfers: Chill, fellow beach lover!

(The shouting match drifts inland as the surfers follow the lifeguard away from the water; in the now-empty space, four terns land by Friend 1)

Friend 1: No food – shoo.

Tern 1: (Cackles wildly) <We can smellllll itttttt….>

Tern 2: (Hops closer to Friend 1’s huge bag) <Let me at it – Let me at it – >

(A huge seagull then lands heavily right where Tern 1 is standing, bumping the latter off to the side)

Seagull: <Outta my way, pipsqueak; I want that spot.>

Tern 1: <Oh come on, you have literally the entire beach to stand on!>

Seagull: <Yeah, and I wanna stand here.  Whatcha gonna do about it, huh, wee one?>

Tern 1: <Well, as you may not have noticed, right now there is only one of you, and about 15 and counting of us.>

Seagull: (Side-eyes the growing number of terns landing in a surrounding circle) < …Spot just got boring.>  (Flies off as terns give a battle cry and fly in pursuit)

Friend 1: (Takes out a sandwich) Final–

(A human couple who had been strolling hand-in-hand along the water stop in front of Friend 1’s view; one turns to the other, drops to one knee, and holds up an open ring box while the other immediately bursts into tears)

Proposer: Love of my life, will you –

Friend 1: (In mid-chew) No!  None of that mush right in my sightline of the ocean!  Move along 50 feet to one side or the other, as long as it’s out of my radius!

Proposee: But we need a witness to our magical moment!

Friend 1: (Points to the water) There’s a dolphin over there who I’m sure is more than happy to oblige!

(The two briskly trot to another spot 50 feet away and resume their previous positions)

Proposer: Love of my life, will you –

Proposee: Yes-yes-just-give-me-the-ring-and-you!

Friend 1: (Resumes eating) If I’d wanted a rom-com, I’d’ve brought a TV with me.

(A beachgoer with a metal detector crosses in front of Friend 1, stops suddenly when the detector starts making a lot of noise, throws it aside, and begins shoveling wildly)

Beachgoer: This is it!  I just know it!

Friend 1: No it isn’t!  Decamp!

Beachgoer: (Still shoveling, now in a large hole) But the mother lode is right here!  The detector never lies!

Lifeguard: (Runs over, blowing the whistle shrilly) Hey!  There’s no digging on the beach unless you’re making an impermanent sand castle!

Beachgoer: (Now only head and shoulders above the sand, still shoveling) This isn’t digging, it’s excavating!

Lifeguard: That’s even worse!

Beach Patrol Officer: (Appeared on the scene in the meantime; to Beachgoer) Stop what you’re doing and get out of there now.

Beachgoer: (Strikes something hard at the bottom of the hole) Ooh, I’ve reached buried treasure at last!  (Raises a metal box aloft just in time for Beach Patrol Officer to slap on a pair of handcuffs, then hoist Beachgoer out of the hole with Lifeguard’s assistance)

Lifeguard: (Releases Beachgoer, then stares down at the massive hole) I hope this is an easy fix – I’d hate to see the beach preservation society members start crying again.

Beachgoer: (Still holding onto the box and trying not to be moved along by Beach Patrol Officer) Wait, I have to know what’s inside!

Beach Patrol Officer: Stolen property, that’s what.

(The two begin a tug-of-war over the box until the terns return very noisily to dive-bomb it)

Terns: <Food!  Food!  Food!  Food!>

Seagull: (Swoops in to knock away a few terns) <Gimme!>

Beachgoer: (Still holding onto the box as Beach Patrol Officer and Lifeguard try to shoo away the birds) Thieves!  Finders keepers, that’s the rule!

Friend 1: (Stares through everyone to the ocean beyond as the battle rages on with sand being kicked all around and wings and legs and arms flying all over the place while the human yelling and the bird screaming increase in pitch ever higher as the pouring rain begins) So…peaceful….