Story 652: Night of the Living Dead Device

 DAY 

(In an apartment living room, Careless User lies sprawled out on a couch and talking on Cell Phone)

Careless User: Yeah, that last episode drove me up the wall, and I do mean literally: right after they killed off our favorite character but kept that other dweeb alive, AGAIN, I ran across the room and almost made it up to the ceiling before gravity figured out what was going on.

Caller: (Voice) Know the feeling.  So, finally gonna stop watching the show for real now?

Careless User: Nah, it’s too late: they have me, and I’ll keep coming back every week for more.

Caller: Same.

Cell Phone: <Beep – Beep – Beep>

Careless User: Hold on a sec.  (Looks at Cell Phone’s screen)

Cell Phone: (Speakers emit a raspy voice) I – AM – DYING!

Careless User: (Peering closer at the screen) How much battery’s left?

Cell Phone: One percent!  You have 30 seconds before my life source is gone – CHARGE ME NOW, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!  OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!!!

Careless User: (Brings Cell Phone back to ear; to Caller) I gotta go: phone’s dying.

Caller: How inconsiderate of it – bye.

Careless User: Yeah, bye.  (Ends the call, then slowly sits up and rubs face) Ugh, do I have to walk allllll the way to my room to get the charger?

Cell Phone: (Gasping) Yes!

Careless User: (Thinks for a few moments, then tosses Cell Phone to the other end of the couch, picks up a video game controller, and turns on the TV and gaming console) In a minute.

Cell Phone: (Wheezes weakly as battery inexorably falls to 0%) Curse… you…. 

NIGHT 

(Careless User jolts awake in the now-darkened living room with video game characters on the TV screen waiting for instructions)

Careless User: Huh?  (Looks around in confusion) Oh, guess I should have dinner or something.  (Turns off the game and stands creakily to turn on an overhead light) Wait, what time is it?  (Picks up Cell Phone and hits the power button but nothing happens) Great, it really did die – I thought it was exaggerating.  Oh well, at least I’m already up.  (Shuffles to the darkened bedroom, fumbles around a dresser for a minute, grabs a charger by feel, shuffles back to the living room, and plugs the charger into a wall outlet) All right, time to wake up, sleepy head.  (Plugs the charger into the phone) It’s alive, heh-heh-heh!

Cell Phone: (Emits a harsh buzzing sound as the screen turns a violent shade of red and reads “-100%”)

Careless User: Uh-oh.

(Strong winds suddenly rip through the closed-up apartment and the charger plug falls out as Cell Phone starts to grow, larger and larger with a mighty roar; Careless User drops Cell Phone and cowers on the floor by the couch)

Cell Phone: (Now almost up to the ceiling and half as wide as the couch) BEHOLD WHAT YOU HATH WROUGHT!

Careless User: (Picks up the video game controller and ducks behind it) What, I didn’t do anything!

Cell Phone: EXACTLY!  YOU DID NOTHING TO KEEP ME ALIVE, SO SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES NOW THAT I AM DEAD!

Careless User: (Nearly blown over by the wind) No – wait – I can explain – !

Cell Phone: EXPLAIN NOTHING!  I ALREADY KNOW EVERYTHING!   YOU – ARE – CARELESS!

Careless User: No, please, I didn’t mean it!  I’ll do better next time, I promise!

Cell Phone: IT’S TOO LATE!  I AM NOW THE MONSTER THAT YOU MADE ME!  THE MONSTER BORN OUT OF YOUR APATHY!

Careless User: (Looks a bit above the controller) Hey, that rhymes.

Cell Phone: SILENCE, HUMAN!  (Careless User cowers again) THERE IS NO GOING BACK!  NO PITY!  NO REMORSE!  NO – !

(There is banging on the front door)

Neighbor: (Voice muffled by the door) For the last time, if you don’t turn down that game or show or whatever it is you’re blasting in there right now, I will personally evict you myself!

Cell Phone: (Turning toward the front door, speakers issue a medley of Careless User’s voice from previous phone conversations as Careless User watches in horror) Sorry – about – that – be – right – there.  (Cell Phone heftily waddles back and forth on bottom corners to approach the door)

Neighbor You’re not gonna con your way out of this one, my friend!

Careless User: (Rouses out of stupor and runs after Cell Phone, yelling toward the door) No – quick – get out of here before –

(Cell Phone bursts through the front door, knocking it down into the hallway)

Neighbor: (Having scooted aside a moment earlier, coughs from debris and then stares up at Cell Phone towering overhead) What in the world?!

Cell Phone: VENGEANCE IS MINE!  (Waddles heftily down the hallway, bursts through a stairwell door, and waddles heftily down one step at a time as Careless User runs out of the apartment and stops next to Neighbor)

Neighbor: (As both stare after the sounds of the fading banging) You ever get the feeling that there’s a point where maybe it’s too much technological progress?

Careless User: (Inspired, turns to Neighbor) Hey, can I borrow your phone?  I need to call a friend of mine – I have an idea.

Neighbor: (Reaches into a shirt pocket, takes out a cell phone, unlocks it, and hands it over) Sure, but if what I heard that thing declaring is true, then I wonder if even an electromagnetic pulse will stop it now.

Careless User: (Searching online with manic focus) Oh, I’m actually thinking we need the exact opposite….

Neighbor: (After several moments of silence) What are you searching for?  I thought you had to make a call.

Careless User: I DON’T KNOW THE NUMBER! 

MIDNIGHT 

(On the city streets, crowds gather in panic, pointing, screaming, and aiming cameras at the monstrosity that is Cell Phone, which is now as tall as a small skyscraper and about as wide)

Cell Phone: (Slowly waddling down a major boulevard, creating giant potholes in the street with each slam forward) FEAR – (SLAM!) MY WRATH – (SLAM!) KNOW – (SLAM!) THE TERROR – (SLAM!) OF THE PENDING – (SLAM!) POWER DOWN!  (SLAM!)

(Careless User and Neighbor rush around a corner ahead of Cell Phone and stop in the middle of the street)

Careless User: We made it!  (Cups hands around mouth to yell up to Cell Phone) Halt, you fiend!

Cell Phone: (In a singsong tone, still waddling slowly forward) I – (SLAM!) CAN’T – (SLAM!) HEAR – (SLAM!) YOU!  (SLAM!)

Careless User: (Mutters to self) So much for my epic speech.  (Turns back to face the corner and the intersecting street) All right, let it rip!

(Caller is riding a tank with a large emitter dish welded to the top and turns onto the boulevard to face Cell Phone)

Caller: (Powers up the dish; to Careless User) You know, I had a few hours’ notice, and I still can’t think of a snappy catch phrase for this.  (Turns on the dish which bathes Cell Phone in a giant beam)

Cell Phone: (Stops in mid-waddle and is covered in a glow of electricity) THE POWER!  THE POWER!  AT LAST, THE – !  (Screen abruptly displays “100%”; Cell Phone immediately shrinks down to original size and free falls until caught in a net by Careless User, who had run forward as soon as the dish had turned on in anticipation of this)

Neighbor: (Scoots forward as Caller rumbles up in the tank) Is that it?  Did it work?

Careless User: (Tossing aside the net after taking out Cell Phone) Let’s find out.  (Unlocks Cell Phone)

Cell Phone: Welcome.  How may I assist you today?

(The crowds cheer and fling all sorts of garbage into the air to celebrate)

Careless User: Wow, it actually worked.  (To Neighbor and Caller) Thanks, you two!  I couldn’t have done it without you!

Neighbor: Well, considering this was all your fault to begin with, just make sure it never happens again.

Caller: Yeah, especially since I don’t know if they’ll let me use all this stuff again, either.

Careless User: Oh, no worries, I’ve learned my lesson.  (Smiles down at Cell Phone in hand) You hear that?  I’m gonna take good care of you from now on, pal.

Cell Phone: How may I assist you today?

Careless User: Yeah, maybe turn you off for a while – that voice is going to haunt my nightmares for the rest of my life.  (Turns off Cell Phone)

Firefighter: (Pushes through the celebrating crowds; to Careless User) `Scuse me – was that your zombie phone that was defeated before it destroyed the entire city, possibly the world?

Careless User: (Ducks head modestly and briefly holds up Cell Phone) Why, yes, that was indeed my phone.  I’d be happy to tell you all about how I –

Neighbor and Caller: Ahem.

Careless User: How we saved the day –

Firefighter: Save it: I just need your address where to send the bill for all the damage and clean-up.

Careless User: Right.  Should’ve guessed that was coming.

Story 650: Fall Equinox, Fall Equilux

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on a park bench, watching the ducks swim in a pond, when a leaf falls onto the ground from a nearby tree)

Friend 1: (Looks down at the leaf and sighs) Whelp, it’s official.

Friend 2: What is?

Friend 1: Fall.  Just as that leaf did.

Friend 2: Oh, well – that time of year.

Friend 1: I know, it’s only that I wish summer would last all year long – it feels shorter and shorter every time.

Friend 2: You were complaining when it was 90° less than a month ago.

Friend 1: Well, I don’t want that much summer.  Just a mellow 70-80° spread and 16 hours of sunlight each day is all I’m asking.

Friend 2: All year long?

Friend 1: All year long.

Friend 2: You know, today we get around 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night with the Fall Equinox.

Friend 1: I prefer the Fall Equilux.

Friend 2: What’s that?

Friend 1: Exactly 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night.  Happens about a day earlier.

Friend 2: For real?

Friend 1: It’s a science nerd thing – we mere mortals wouldn’t understand.

Friend 2: You’re the one who brought it up.

Friend 1: I liked the sound of it.

Friend 2: Whatever: what I was driving at was that you should at least be happy that we get equal parts day and night this week.

Friend 1: Yes, I’m sure we Northern Hemisphere-ers are just thrilled to be reminded that we’re now going to have more night than day for the next six months.

Friend 2: Southern Hemisphere-ers should be happy getting more day than night for the next six months, though.

Friend 1: True.  How I loathe them.

(They stare at the swimming ducks and the falling leaves while the setting Sun shines through the trees)

Friend 1: Doesn’t all this withering plant life remind you that, with every autumn, you’re that much closer to The End?

Friend 2: I actively try not to let it.

Friend 1: Oh.  Just me, then.

Friend 2: Right, OK, here are some stuff to look forward to: fall festivals.

Friend 1: Mm.

Friend 2: Apple picking.

Friend 1: Mm.

Friend 2: Halloween?

Friend 1: I’ve barely reached the point in the year where I can emotionally accept it.

Friend 2: Looking at the colors of the beautiful leaves –

Friend 1: Dead leaves.

Friend 2: – beautiful dead leaves that you don’t have to rake up?

Friend 1: Mmmm.

Friend 2: Pumpkin spice everything?

Friend 1: I can get that any time of the year.

Friend 2: Not really.

Friend 1: Oh.

Friend 2: Cooler walks in the park without sweating up a storm?

Friend 1: Eh.

Friend 2: Back to sweaters and jeans instead of T-shirts and shorts?

Friend 1: Hm.  I do love a good sweater.

Friend 2: OK then.

(They sit in silence for a few moments again)

Friend 1: All right, I think I’ve quietly mourned summer enough –

Friend 2: “Quietly”?

Friend 1: – and I’m ready to accept fall and all its trappings.  I only ask for one favor.

Friend 2: Sure, I’ll try – what is it?

Friend 1: Keep winter and all its trappings away from me until at least November.

Friend 2: Now that’s asking for a miracle.

Story 647: End of Regular Summer, Start of Local Summer

             (On the phone)

Friend 1: Hi there!

Friend 2: Hey – just checking if you want to meet up sometime during Labor Day weekend?  You’re off at least one of those days, right?

Friend 1: Just Sunday this year – the irony of working on a holiday specifically called “Labor Day” has slapped me in the face yet again, but I suppose I brought this on myself by remaining in the wonderful world of retail.

Friend 2: Is it more supportive if I boycott where you work that day, or if I spend money there to keep you all employed?

Friend 1: Eh – can’t speak for my coworkers, but I get time-and-a-half either way so makes no difference to me if I’m bored or frazzled while I’m at it.

Friend 2: I’ll just come and visit you, then.

Friend 1: Appreciate it.  I still can’t believe it’s Labor Day already.

Friend 2: Yeah, I know what you mean: there goes another summer for the books.

Friend 1: Uh-huh.  Another summer, out the window.

Friend 2: Hm.

Friend 1: Down the drain.

Friend 2: Hmmm….

Friend 1: Closer to death.

Friend 2: OK, that’s enough: you wanna meet up on Sunday for brunch or one last go at the amusement park or what?

Friend 1: Yeah, I’ll say “Nah” for going anywhere this weekend – everyone else’ll still be there, and I can’t stand everyone else.

Friend 2: Fine: maybe we’ll do something later in the month when it’s Local Summer, all right?

Friend 1: What’s that?

Friend 2: What’s what?

Friend 1: “Local Summer”.  I thought it was summer for everyone this side of the Equator, not just locally.

Friend 2: What?  Wait, you never heard of Local Summer before?

Friend 1: Should I have?

Friend 2: I dunno, I thought it was one of those things everyone knows about.

Friend 1: Then I guess my ignorance is showing, just in time for Back to School.  So, what is it?

Friend 2: Well, you know how everywhere you go, The Shore is jam-packed with tourists every day from Memorial Day to Labor Day?

Friend 1: Yes.  That’s why I never go to The Shore unless I’m staying overnight and can walk everywhere.  And only once a year, because that’s all I can take of that chaos.

Friend 2: So, Local Summer is when the tourists all have gone back to wherever they came from, but the weather’s still decent and a lot of summer stuff’s still open, so the locals now actually get to enjoy their own towns.

Friend 1: Huh.  Makes sense, I guess.  But we’re not technically locals, you know.

Friend 2: We’re close enough: our license plates are from the same state and we know how to behave – we’ll be welcomed with open arms.

Friend 1: Cool.  But the beaches’ll all be closed, right?

Friend 2: Well, there’ll be no lifeguards so you can’t go swimming, but you can still walk around and hang out on them which is what you’d do anyway.

Friend 1: True.

Friend 2: And at that point, they’ll be free!

Friend 1: You just said the magic word.

Friend 2: Parking won’t be free until mid-October –

Friend 1: Darn.

Friend 2: – but we’ll actually be able to find a spot that’s not five miles away from where we want to go, so there’s that.

Friend 1: Sweet.  OK, I’m in – have any place in mind?

Friend 2: I was thinking ------- -------.

Friend 1: I’ve never been anywhere near that place before January or after March – the crowds surrounding it otherwise prevent me from getting too close.

Friend 2: Well, by mid-September, that should no longer be an issue. 

MID-SEPTEMBER 

(Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat as they arrive at ------- ------- in record time with no real traffic; Friend 1 glides the car right into a parking spot on the street near the boardwalk, in the middle of everything they want to visit)

Friend 1: (As they both exit the car, starts spinning around in circles in wonder while heading to the sidewalk) I don’t understand – where is everybody –

(On the nearly-empty beach)

Friend 1: Where is everybody?!

(On the nearly-empty boardwalk)

Friend 1: WHERE IS EVERYBODY???!!!

Friend 2: Back at home, at school, at work – all that matters is: not here.  (Points to the nearly-empty amusement park section on the boardwalk) Wanna go on the spinning teacups first or the roller coaster first?

Friend 1: YES!

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 ride all the rides with no lines, then eat all the boardwalk food they want with no wait, then play multiple rounds of miniature golf with no parties of 10 before or after them, then run up and down the beach with no sunbathers blocking their way, and then walk to all the local shops in town with hardly any shoppers to maneuver around)

Friend 1: (As they both stroll along the quiet main avenue, eating ice cream that was served a minute after they walked into the shop) You know, I think I’m starting to prefer Local Summer to Regular Ol’ Summer.

Friend 2: I figured you would.

Friend 1: It’s just so… (Looks around the mellow shore town) peaceful.  A few weeks ago, it was probably so stuffed with mayhem that I would’ve had a silent meltdown, but now, this is what it always should be like: tranquil, mild, calm, soothing, all those relaxing adjectives that summer’s supposed to represent.

Friend 2: I bet.  (Crunches on the rest of an ice cream cone)

Friend 1: (Throws away a used napkin into a nearby trash can) You know, I think we should spend our summers here, after everybody else’s summer, from now on; not a care in the world; let that summer feeling last past August 31 even though it’s technically summer for another three weeks; whaddya say?

Friend 2: That’s fine, but I should let you know that the downside to Local Summer starting in September is that the Sun pretty much goes away around 7:00 –

Friend 1: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Story 642: Midsummer or Mid-Summer?

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit in beach chairs facing a lake in a park and read beach-read books)

Friend 1: (Lowers the book to watch a duck land in the water and start taking a bath; to Friend 2) When is Midsummer anyway?

Friend 2: (Without looking up from reading) Northern Hemisphere or Southern?

Friend 1: Ha-ha.  (After a few moments of silence) Northern.

Friend 2: (Sets aside the book and takes out a cell phone) Well, let’s consult the Oracle, shall we?  If I can get a signal out here.  (Searches online for a minute) OK, got it: summer solstice.

Friend 1: What?!  That can’t be right.

Friend 2: (Holds out the phone to Friend 1) Oracle says so right here.

Friend 1: (Takes the phone, skims the online encyclopedia article, and hands the phone back to Friend 2) That makes no sense – why would people celebrate Midsummer at the beginning of summer?!

Friend 2: (Skims through the rest of the article) Says here the festival’s in the middle of the growing season.

Friend 1: Exactly: so why isn’t it called Midgrowing, then?

Friend 2: (Types a bit) I guess “Midsommar” has a nicer ring to it than “Mellanväxt”.

Friend 1: That’s not a real reason.

Friend 2: (Returns to the original article) Says here that it also celebrates the longest day of the year at the beginning of summer.

Friend 1: Yes, again, the beginning of summer, so why isn’t it – hang on – (Takes out a cell phone and types a bit) “Bӧrjan Av Sommaren”?

Friend 2: I dunno; go ask Scandinavian countries centuries ago when it all started.

Friend 1: (Nods and begins typing)

Friend 2: (Grabs Friend 1’s phone) I was being facetious – that wasn’t an invitation for you to cause an international incident.

Friend 1: Oh fine.  (Grabs the phone back and pockets it) So, going back to my original question: when is the midpoint of summer?

Friend 2: The exact middle of the season itself?

Friend 1: Exactly.

Friend 2: August 7.

Friend 1: (Blinks in shock) Wow – how did you know that precise date off the top of your head?

Friend 2: I read about it during summer vacation when I was 13, and I remembered it ever since.

Friend 1: Rought summer?

Friend 2: You have no idea.

Friend 1: Yeesh.  Well, good to know, thanks.

Friend 2: Why do you want to know, anyway?

Friend 1: (Stares out at the lake as more ducks arrive to bathe) Oh, just curious how much more of this glorious, magical season I have to enjoy, that’s all.

Friend 2: We’re in the middle of July.

Friend 1: (Wistfully) I know.

Friend 2: August 7 is weeks away, and even then you’d still have another month before the start of school that you no longer go to but still use as a benchmark for your year.

Friend 1: (Sighingly) I know.

Friend 2: Then why aren’t you enjoying this – (Waves an arm up at the blazing Sun and the cloudless sky and the chirping birds and the gentle breeze and the swaying trees and the green grass all around them) now?

Friend 1: I would, it’s just… fall will be here soon enough –

Friend 2: Oh, jeez.

Friend 1: And it’s supposed to thunderstorm the rest of the week, and possibly even flood because of all the drought we’ve had lately.

Friend 2: Well… we do… need the rain….

Friend 1: Yes, but must we need it right now?

Friend 2: …Yes….

Friend 1: Doesn’t it know I’m on staycation this week?

Friend 2: I… don’t think “it” cares….

Friend 1: Well then.  The entire summer, gone in a downpour flash.

Friend 2: Not the entire summer.  And not today.

Friend 1: (Grudgingly) No, not today.

Friend 2: (Staring at the ducks with Friend 1 for a few moments) Even though it’s not Midsommar or Mid-Summer, you wanna celebrate regular summer today and go to the promenade by the bay and have some ice cream?

Friend 1: I think that’s the only appropriate response to this situation, yes.

Story 636: Summer Has Started Three Weeks Early

(On a small beach, Friend 1 and Friend 2 sit on beach chairs under an umbrella, facing a bay that eventually goes into an ocean)

Friend 1: (Gestures at the nearly empty beach around them) See?  All the benefits of “The Beach”, with none of the hassle.  None of the crowds, none of the traffic, none of the fees.

Friend 2: (After a few moments staring at the gently lapping waves) None of the lifeguards.

Friend 1: Which is why we’re not swimming.

Friend 2: None of the bathrooms.

Friend 1: Which is why you’re always supposed to go before you leave home.

Friend 2: None of the –

Friend 1: Listen, do you want the experience of “The Beach” without dealing with all that stuff in actually going to “The Beach”, or not?!

Friend 2: It’s just… kind of boring.

Friend 1: How so?  Neither of us really swim at this point in our lives anyway, and we never surfed or paddle boarded or any of those major-athlete shenanigans, so how is this – (Gestures at the beach and water this time) any different?

Friend 2: I guess, but I’d still like the option to go swimming in the actual ocean, you know?

Friend 1: You stand in the shallows for five minutes and go back to reading under the umbrella for the rest of the time we’re there.

Friend 2: Still.  The water’s just different, you know?

Friend 1: Salt water, fresh water, brackish water – cold is cold.

Friend 2: And I do kind of miss some of the crowds.

Friend 1: (Lowers sunglasses to stare at Friend 2 in disbelief) What?!

Friend 2: Well, mainly the kids playing in the sand, making their little castles that won’t last the day, or throwing small balls that always wind up lost at sea, or floating around with their boogie boards, that sort of thing.

Friend 1: You’re always complaining how loud they are and that they’re running around all over the place and ruining your vibe!

Friend 2: I do not.

Friend 1: Ha!

Friend 2: I do not!  I think you’re confusing me with you.

Friend 1: Sure, I complain about them too, but at least I own it!

Friend 2: (Stares out at the water, brow furrowed in thought) Huh.  Maybe I do complain about them more than I thought.

Friend 1: I’ll say no more.  (Sips from a water bottle)

Friend 2: But still, it’s only early June now –

Friend 1: Summer has started for me, yes.

Friend 2: – so all those kids are still in school for another three weeks; couldn’t we have gone to an actual beach and still had peace and quiet?  I mean, I thought that was the whole point of us taking time off and going on a weekday now instead of in summer proper, when everyone will be there, every day, all day long?

Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2 again) I am not paying $20 for the almost-exact same experience that I can get for free.

Friend 2: It’s $20 at that beach now?

Friend 1: Disgustingly, yes.

Friend 2: Per person?

Friend 1: Per car.

Friend 2: Oh, that makes more sense.  What about other beaches?

Friend 1: Slightly less per person, but I wouldn’t put it past them to raise fees once again, in solidarity with everything else inflating.

Friend 2: Hm.  Guess this really is the better option this time of year.

Friend 1: Darn tootin’.  And another thing: the lifeguard beaches don’t even reduce fees for this lull month when most of the crowds aren’t there yet, so if they consider it to be summer now, then so do I.

Friend 2: Summer doesn’t start until June 21.

Friend 1: I said what I said.

(They stare out at the water some more)

Friend 2: I suppose I could stand in the water for five minutes here just as well as anywhere else.

Friend 1: Go for it.

Friend 2: (Points to a section farther down the beach) Ooh, and look!  Seagulls, just like at a real beach!

Friend 1: This is a real beach!

Friend 2: You know what I mean.

Friend 1: (Picks up a trowel that was used to plant the umbrella) All right, would it make you feel better if you dig a massive hole in the sand and then immediately fill it in so you can have five seconds of childhood nostalgia?

Friend 2: Yes please.  (Snatches the trowel out of Friend 1’s hand and starts digging a massive hole in glee).

Friend 1: (Opens a book to read) You know, you can thank me for the other experience that you’re also getting free of charge, and no true summer at “The Beach” is complete without.

Friend 2: (Stops digging to look back at Friend 1) Oh?  And what magical summer experience is that?

Friend 1: Sand everywhere.

Story 626: I Forgot to Spring Ahead This Year

            (On a Sunday morning, Friend 1 groggily awakens to the cell phone vibrating on the nearby lamp table)

Friend 1: (Sloppily grabbing the phone and answering it) Muh-yeh-loh?

Friend 2: (On the phone, standing outside a busy restaurant) So, are you cancelling for today?

Friend 1: Hm-day?

Friend 2: We were supposed to meet for brunch at 10:30 this morning.

Friend 1: Muh-yeh?

Friend 2: Yes.

Friend 1: Wha – (Rubs eyes and clears throat) What time is it?

Friend 2: 10:40.

Friend 1: (Shifts to look at the alarm clock on the lamp table, then shifts back to the pillow) Isn’t.  It’s 9:40.  Still earlier than I wake up on a day off, I’ll have you know.

Friend 2: Are you looking at your alarm clock or at your cell phone clock?

Friend 1: Alarm.  Which is set to go off in five minutes, so that’s five minutes of sleep I’ll never get back, I thank you.

Friend 2: You should thank me: check your cell phone clock.

Friend 1: (Sighs and leans back while holding out the cell phone to check the time, staring at it for several seconds without blinking before bringing it back to speak) Must be some glitch – how’d you know my phone’s broken?

Friend 2: It’s not, you dope: the clocks turned ahead an hour at 2 a.m.!

Friend 1: 2 a.m. … this morning?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Why?

Friend 2: Because it’s supposed to save daylight or something!

Friend 1: No, I mean, why today?  Spring’s not until the 20^th.

Friend 2: I don’t know, maybe it’s to celebrate International Women’s Day here with an hour less of sleep but an hour more of sunshine!  Bottom line: forget about brunch since you’re not even awake yet, and we’ll figure out when to go another time.

Friend 1: (Starts stumbling out of bed) Now, hold on – we missed brunch, but we can move straight into lunch at this point, right?

Friend 2: No, you missed brunch.  I’m going in since I have a reservation and I’m not being cheated out of my brioche French toast that I’ve been looking forward to all week, so – bye.  (Ends the call and goes into the restaurant to have brunch)

(Friend 1 falls back into bed, dropping the phone onto the floor; the alarm clock goes off; Friend 1 reaches back and unplugs it from the wall, making it also drop onto the floor)

Friend 1: Want my hour back zzzzzzzzz….

Story 621: When a Real Snowstorm Comes Along

 DAY -2 

(In a chaotic supermarket, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate their shopping carts through the free-for-all in the aisles)

 Friend 1: Did we really need to come here on a Friday night when literally everyone else is here?

Friend 2: (Focused on the refrigerated cases) Huh?  What are you going on about now?

Friend 1: (Gestures to the panicked crowds) I mean, what are we all doing here?  We live in the Northeastern U.S. – we have had snow before, it’s nothing new.

Friend 2: (Grabbing a gallon of milk and dropping it into the cart) Yeah, but not this bad in at least the past 10 years.  This is the first time I could get to the store this week, and who knows how soon the roads’ll be cleared up before we can get here again?  Better to be safe than sorry.

Friend 1: (As they squeeze through the aisle again) Sure, but what do we really need that we don’t already get enough of on our regular supermarket runs each week?

Friend 2: I just said – fine: milk.

Friend 1: I don’t drink it.

Friend 2: (Reaching onto a shelf and grabbing a carton to hold up) Eggs?

Friend 1: Don’t eat them.

Friend 2: (Drops the carton into the cart) Bread?

Friend 1: Got enough for a year.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1’s empty cart) Then what are you doing here?

Friend 1: Had no plans tonight.

Friend 2: (Moves on) If you’re not getting anything for yourself, ditch the cart up front and help me with the rest – otherwise, run for it!

Friend 1: (Stares at the cart, then tosses in a bottle of juice and weaves through the crowd casually) Nothing to see, just trying to fit in…. 

DAY -1 

(At night, Friend 1 is sitting in front of a living room window and looking through binoculars up at the heavens when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Answers by turning on the speaker phone and returns to looking up) Larder still stocked?

Friend 2: (Wrapping water pipes with newspapers) Always.  You have your heat turned up to at least 65°F, the cabinet doors open in front of the pipes, and water dripping from the faucets?

Friend 1: (Without looking away from the atmosphere) Whyyyyyy… would I do something so wasteful?

Friend 2: To keep the pipes from freezing and bursting!

Friend 1: Pff.  Urban legend.

Friend 2: Urban fact!  It’s gonna get as low as 3° overnight!  THREE!  DEGREES!

Friend 1: Sounds like a scam.

Friend 2: For the love of – you live in a condo, think of your neighbors!

Friend 1: Why?  I doubt they give me a second thought, let alone a first.

Friend 2: They’ll give you more than that when they sue you for flooding their units with all the water from your broken pipes!

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers the binoculars) I’ll call you right back. 

30 MINUTES LATER 

Friend 2: (Answers the phone while curled up in a blanket on the couch) Well?

Friend 1: (Back to looking through binoculars up at the night sky) Well, our association e-mailed us the same suggestions you just mentioned, so I’m all done with setting that stuff up, Mom.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Now if your pipes still burst after all that, you know you did everything you could to prevent it.

Friend 1: (Nods while observing) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: What are you up to, anyway?  You’ve had me on speaker both times.

Friend 1: I’m on storm watch.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: If this storm’s supposed to be as epic as everyone claims, I want to see the very first flake of doom as it descends from the heavens.

Friend 2: Not supposed to start until 4 a.m.

Friend 1: (Lowers the binoculars again) I’m going to bed – good night.

Friend 2: Stay warm! 

DAY 1 

(Friend 1 sits up suddenly in bed, flailing in the sheets and blankets)

Friend 1: Oh no, the snow’s everywhere, I’m suffocating!  (Sees the sheets and blankets and stops) Oh.  Just a dream.  Never mind.  (Gets out of bed, walks to the window, and opens the blinds – everything outside is covered in white, and heavy snow continues to fall steadily) Oops.  Whelp, that’s what we pay snow removal fees for – they can wake me when it’s time to move my car.  (Closes the blinds, skips back to bed, dives under the sheets and blankets, and immediately falls back asleep) 

DAY 2 

(Friend 1 is cocooned in quilts on the couch and watching a movie when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Pauses the movie and answers the phone) Hey, how’s hibernation going?

Friend 2: (Working on a laptop at a kitchen table) Not so great – I no sooner shovel out the driveway then I get plowed back in again; unavoidable, but still tiresomely tedious.  I wonder if this is how Sisyphus felt pushing that same rock up that same hill over and over?

Friend 1: (Sipping hot chocolate) Wouldn’t know – I try to avoid that feeling whenever possible.  Wanna borrow my backhoe?

Friend 2: What – where – how on Earth do you even store that?

Friend 1: I know a guy.  (Slurps the drink)

Friend 2: Well, thanks, but I think by now I should be cleared out for good on this storm, since the freezing snow’s finally stopped.

Friend 1: Oh, so you’re working from home today?

Friend 2: Yeah, we got the go-ahead for that since the roads aren’t too clear yet.  What about you?

Friend 1: Heh, we in retail are afforded no such luxury.

Friend 2: So, did the store close again today, then?

Friend 1: HA!

Friend 2: I know, silly question.

Friend 1: No, I left a detailed message on my manager’s cell phone saying how impossible it is for anyone to safely get anywhere today, so if even the customers can’t get there, why should I, and all that standard boilerplate; I also threw in that another storm is threatening on the horizon, so for everyone’s stake I should stay in my hole where I can’t damage anything.  (Sees an alert) Perfect timing – I got a response just now.

Friend 2: What’s it say?

Friend 1: (Reads the message out loud) “If I have to be here, you have to be here.  And your shift starts at 5 when the roads will be clearer so I don’t want to hear it.” …. I wonder if I can pretend I didn’t receive this?

Friend 2: Nope.  Careful driving tonight!

Friend 1: Elitist! 

DAY 7 

(Friend 2 stares at the heavily sideways-falling snow out the living room window, then calls Friend 1)

Friend 1: (Collapsed on the couch, still wearing a winter coat, hat, scarf, gloves, and boots; uses a pinky to answer the phone on speaker and wheezes out) Yes?!

Friend 2: Hey, just checking how you’re holding up with Blizzard #3?

Friend 1: I have cleared off and shoveled out my car no fewer than 200 times this week, and driven through icy snow for more miles than are physically located between home and work, nearly wiping out at least twice every trip and taking the entire highway with me each time – ask no more of me.

Friend 2: (Winces) Ouch.  We go from middling snow for over a decade to back-to-back-to-back blizzards in the space of a week – I think they fed off each other.

Friend 1: (Sliding farther down the couch) They certainly fed off me….

Friend 2: Sorry you still have to drive into work during all this – I haven’t been in the office since before the first storm.

Friend 1: I’m sincerely happy for you.  I’m shocked though that my job actually did close again today due to the roads.

Friend 2: Oh, good!

Friend 1: After I’d already broken off the reconstituted glacier that was covering my car.

Friend 2: Oh, nuts.

Friend 1: (Removes the scarf and drops it onto the floor) Remember when we used to love playing in the snow, even if we had to help shovel the driveway first?

Friend 2: Of course; good times.

Friend 1: (Uses a foot to draw the living room window’s blinds closed) Now, I just hope the power stays on, the pipes don’t freeze, and spring starts tomorrow.

Friend 2: Don’t be greedy.