Story 613: Thanksgiving Overabundance

             (In a house full of people on Thanksgiving, Host is in the kitchen with Relative 1 and Relative 2 cooking everything at once as the doorbell rings)

Host: (Without looking up from basting a turkey in the oven) Somebody get that!  (Mutters as the front door is opened by other relatives) One thing I get out of doing today….

(Relative 3 enters, still wearing a winter coat, hat, and gloves, and carrying a large covered pan)

Relative 3: Happy Thanksgiving!

Host and Relatives 1 and 2: (Momentarily looking up from whatever pot/pan/cutting board they are working on) Hiiiiiiiii…..

Host: (Double-takes and then points the baster at Relative 3’s pan) What is that?!

Relative 3: (Holds up the pan) Oh, it’s the second turkey you wanted.

Relative 1: (Stops slicing carrots; to Host) Hey, I thought you wanted me to get the second turkey.

Host: (Closes eyes in frustration) Blast and dangnation, I lost track of what I told people to bring!  (Lifts a cover off of a large pan sitting on the counter and gestures to that and the oven) As you can see, we already have two turkeys!  (Lets the cover drop back onto the pan)

Relative 3: OK, well, this one’s all cooked, so maybe we can do a kind-of turducken situation here, except instead of it being turkey-duck-chicken it’ll be turkey-turkey-turkey?

Relative 2: (Mashing potatoes) I don’t know, those things always feel like crossing a line to me.

Host: We’re eating it either way!

Relative 2: Yeah, but when you get to the point where you’re shoving bodies into each other, it starts to feel like desecration.

Host: Nobody asked you, and we’ve got to do something, we’ve now got three cooked turkeys and not enough stomachs to digest them!

Relative 3: (Arms sagging) Can I at least put this somewhere before you’re back down to two cooked turkeys?

(Relative 1 rushes over to take the pan and brings it with Relative 3 following into the dining room as the doorbell rings)

Host: (Finishes basting the turkey in the oven and slams the door shut) Somebody get that!  (Stirs all the pots of sides and gravy that are on the stove as Relative 1 re-enters the kitchen, washes hands, and goes back to slicing vegetables) What am I gonna do with three turkeys?!

Relative 2: (Slicing bread) Maybe sell one?

Host: (Looks witheringly at Relative 2, then looks away in consideration) Hmmm….

(Relative 4 enters, still wearing a winter coat, hat, and gloves, and carrying a large covered pan)

Relative 4: Happy Thanksgiving!

Host: (Turns off a food processor and stares in disbelief at the pan) That… doesn’t look like the corn casserole I told you to bring.

Relative 4: Oh yeah, that literally fell through, so I had this free turkey from the supermarket that I was going to donate but then realized you were having so many of us over this year that I could donate it to you instead, heh-heh.  (Host still stares at the pan) It’s all cooked and everything, so no sweat.

Host: (Still staring at the pan) I thought you were a vegetarian!

Relative 4: Well, mostly, but I’m sympathetic to the needs of you omnivores.

Relative 1: (As Host still stares at the pan) The thing is, we already have three turkeys.

Relative 4: Oh.  How’d that happen?

Host: (Finally looks at Relative 4) It doesn’t matter how it happened!  Just – put it in the dining room and we’ll figure it out later!  (Relative 2 guides Relative 4 to the dining room; Host rips open a package of mushrooms and starts sautéing them on the stove as the doorbell rings) Somebody get that!  (To Relative 1) At this rate, we’re going to have more turkeys than sides!

Relative 1: (Serenely tearing apart a head a lettuce into a large bowl) Hm.  Want me to run out to the store and grab some corn or peas or something?

Host: Thanks, but I wouldn’t send my worst enemy out on these roads on Thanksgiving.

(Relative 5 enters, still wearing a winter coat, hat, and gloves, and carrying a large covered pan)

Relative 5: Happy Thanks- !

Host: (Whirls on Relative 5) GET OUT!

Relative 5: Huh?

Host: (Points a spoon at the pan) Is that a turkey?!

Relative 5: Well yeah, you kind of need one for Thanksgiving, right?

Host: I TOLD YOU TO BRING CRANBERRY SAUCE!

Relative 5: (Thinks on this for a moment) Oh yeah; how’d I mix those up?

Host: Don’t talk to me. (Resumes stirring everything on the stove frantically as Relative 2 re-enters the kitchen) Great, just great – what am I gonna do with seven turkeys?!

Relative 1: (Gently mixing salad in the bowl) It’s not so bad: you’ve only got five turkeys.

Host: (Shakes the spoon at Relative 1) Not helping!

Relative 2: (Takes the pan from Relative 5) Here: we’ll line it up with the others.

Relative 5: (Following Relative 2 into the dining room) “Others”?

Host: (Swapping out casserole dishes in the microwave) I can’t stand it, I just can’t stand it – the table will be full of turkeys, and no cranberry sauce, no corn casserole, and no potato pie!

Relative 1: (Gasps in mid-salad dressing stir) What?!  Who forgot the potato pie?!

Host: I did when I told two people to bring turkeys!

Relative 1: Oh right, that.  (Goes back to stirring)

Relative 2: (Re-enters the kitchen) I hate to ask, but since everything’s almost done, how do you want to go about carving all the birds?

Host: (Entire body trembles while stirring stuffing, then stops and raises an eyebrow in sudden thought) I have an idea…. 

ONE HOUR LATER 

(At the long dining room table plus an extension, 20 relatives sit facing five cooked turkeys lined down the center of the tables with small dishes of sides and salad squeezed in-between each plate)

Host: (Stands up at the head of the table, raising a glass; relatives all do the same) This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for all of us who could be here today, sharing in the love, the joy, and the companionship of family, and in this wonderful, delicious, and so so abundant meal that was such a team effort to put together.

Relatives: (Smiling) Hear, hear!  (Start to drink)

Host: Also!  (Relatives raise their glasses again) I am so thankful for all of you being so helpful today, in graciously carving out your own, special piece of whichever turkey you choose from the plethora we have available, since we are so blessed with all this bounty.  (Blank stares from Relatives) Don’t be shy – dig in!

(Relatives stare at the turkeys as Host sits back down, satisfied; several grab knives and forks and do their best to carve for themselves and the ones sitting next to them)

Relative 6: (Leaning around a turkey to shout down the table) Can somebody pass the cranberry sauce?

Host: (Coolly drizzling gravy all over a full plate) Cranberry sauce will not be appearing in tonight’s meal.

Relative 6: Oh.  (Looks down in disappointment) The one thing I was looking forward to….

Relative 7: (Whispers to Relative 8 while slicing pieces from different turkeys) What are we going to do with all these leftovers?

Relative 8: (Whispers while spooning stuffing onto a plate) Won’t go to waste: whatever the humans don’t eat or bring home, the dogs’ll take care of the rest.  (Nods to the two dogs sitting patiently in a nearby corner)

Relative 7: (Whispers) Sure – it’s their Thanksgiving, too.

Story 579: Uninvited Guests

             (In a house, family members gather to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they go back to work and school)

Relative 1: (Using pot holders to take a bowl of cheese dip out of the oven and transfer it to Relative 2’s waiting hands) Put this on a trivet inside, please – and make sure no one eats it for at least five minutes or else their entire mouths’ll burn up.

Relative 2: (Hugs the bowl of dip with the pot holders) Oh I won’t.  (Smiles down at the bowl and licks lips on the way to the appetizer table in the living room)

Relative 1: Probably shouldn’t have trusted it to that one.  (Shoves a roasting pan into the oven and sets the timer just as the doorbell rings) I’LL GET IT!  (Runs to the front door and flings it open) Hiiiiiii!!!!!

Relative 3: (Holding a covered tray) Hi, thanks for inviting me!  What’s the occasion again?

Relative 1: (Keeping the door open as Relative 3 steps into the house and they hug) Oh, you know: we’re between major holidays; I need to host a get-together every few weeks or I’ll just burst; that old story.

Relative 3: (Hands over the tray) Well, I made cupcakes for later.

Relative 1: Yum.  (Closes the front door with a foot while peeking under the tray’s cover)

Relative 3: (Takes off a coat) I’m going to drop this off with the mountain of others in somebody’s bedroom, and then eat one of everything that’s out there; oh yeah, and say “Hi” to everybody and whatnot.

Relative 1: Please do.  (Yells toward the living room where the guests are all lounging) There better not be any food left lying around by the end of the night, you hear me?!

Relatives: (Murmurs of assent)

Relative 3: (Emerging from somebody’s bedroom after dropping off the coat) On it!  (Zooms into the living room)

Relative 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Turns away from the living room and suddenly sees three individuals had arrived after Relative 3, unnoticed by both) Who the blazes are you?!

Virus 1: Hey, how ya doin’ – we’re with the one who just came in.  (Gestures to Relative 3 hugging and kissing everyone in the living room)

Relative 1: What?!

Virus 1: `Scuse us.  (Goes to the living room, followed by Virus 2 and Virus 3)

Virus 2: (To Relative 1) Nice place you got here.  (Proceeds to touch all the doorknobs, light switches, and furniture)

Virus 3: (Lifts the cover of the tray that Relative 1 is holding, grabs a cupcake, and consumes it sloppily; through the crumbs) Thanks.  (Follows Virus 2 and Virus 3 into the living room)

Relative 1: (Frozen as the party continues) Nooooo….. (Tosses the tray onto a side table and walks slowly into the living room)

Virus 1: (Plops onto the couch between two relatives watching the television and hugs them close to each side) So!  How’s the game goin’?

Relative 4: Awful, as usual.

Relative 5: I don’t even know why we still watch these things; we always feel worse afterward.

Virus 1: That’s nice; you just keep on gazing at the magical screen and pay no attention to anything else here.  (Rubs their faces soothingly)

Virus 2: (After touching everything in the living room, crouches down to where several children are playing a board game) Neat!  Can I play?

Relative 6: Sure.

Virus 2: Thanks!  (Takes all the game tokens, jumps them around the board haphazardly, and gives them back to the players) There!  I win!

Relative 7: (Staring at the token in hand) I think you’re right.

(Virus 3 spreads cupcake crumbs all over the place while wandering over to where Relative 3 is chatting with Relative 2 next to the bowl of cheese dip)

Relative 3: If you want it, go for it; that’s what I always say.  I’ve lived by that motto for years and it’s never steered me wrong so far.

Relative 2: (Nodding in awe) Uh-huh.  (Shouts to Relative 8 who is sitting in an armchair) You hear that?  Yet another argument for me to run away and join the circus!

Relative 8: (Without looking away from the television) You do that, you’re not getting another dime outta me ever again.

Relative 2: (After a moment, turns back to Relative 3) So how do you go about not wanting things?

Relative 3: Well I –

Virus 3: (Reaches between Relative 2 and Relative 3) Don’t mind me.  (Scoops out a bunch of the cheese dip and ingests it lovingly) Mmmm – perfection.

Relative 2: (Staring at the dip in horror) Whaaaaaaaat is going on?

Relative 1: (Points an accusatory finger at Relative 3) YOU!

Relative 3: (Points an accusatory finger at self) Me?

Relative 1: You brought in these clowns – (Waves arms around to take in Viruses 1, 2, and 3 spread throughout the room) and now we’re all gonna get sick!  Horribly, grossly sick!

Relative 3: No I didn’t – I’ve never seen them before in my life!

Relative 1: HA!

Relative 3: OK, maybe they do look a little familiar –

Virus 1: We first me in `84.

Virus 2: `85.

Virus 3: `93.

Virus 1: `93 too.

Virus 2: Again in `98.

Virus 3: `01, `02, `03 –

Relative 1: ENOUGH!  (To Relative 3) Now I’m sure you had no idea that you had some hitchhiking freeloaders when you came here today –

Virus 1: Hey!  I’ll have you know that our parasite-host relationship is entirely to everyone’s mutual benefit!

Relative 1: (Turning on Virus 1) What do you think a parasite is?!

Virus 1: …Oh yeah, right; never mind.  (Pats the now-dozing Relative 4 and Relative 5 on the heads as Virus 2 and Virus 3 continue to circulate among the other Relatives in the room, invading their personal space and handling their food and drinks)

Relative 1: (Turning back to Relative 3) This is a disaster!

Relative 3: Hey, it’s not like I knew they were coming with me today; they gave me no notice, and I feel fine!  (Stomach growls; in a small voice) Would you excuse me for a minute?  (Runs to the bathroom and slams the door shut)

Relative 1: (Glares after Relative 3, then turns back to the living room) Unbeliev – WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!

Viruses 4 – 10^300000000: (Perched on every open space and person in the room) Hi there!

Relative 2: (In a corner, hugging the bowl of dip while sliding to the floor in the midst of all the Viruses) Mine… it’s mine….

Relative 1: But where did they all come from?!

Virus 1: Oh, us: once we’re all settled we like to fill up the space, spread the joy, know-what-I’m-saying?

Virus 2: It’s kind of our thing.

Relative 6: (Tugs on Relative 1’s shirt, sniffling exaggeratedly) Does this mean we don’t have to go to school tomorrow?

Relative 1 Ew – yes.  (Grabs all the tissues in the house and distributes them to the humans)

Relative 8: (Taking a tissue) Uh, thanks, but I don’t need it.

Relative 1: Oh, you will.  (Runs out of the living room again)

Virus 3: (Gently poking a cat sleeping on a pillow) Hey, this one’s rejecting me, no fair!  (Cat opens one eye, yawns at Virus 3, turns around, and falls back asleep) Wow, what a pro.

Relative 1: (Runs back into the living room with multiple bottles of disinfectant spray and begins hosing down everyone and everything with chemicals) Begone, demons!  (Nothing happens)

Virus 1: (Gets up from the couch to stretch out across the appetizer table) You know, the damage is already done, so you might as well enjoy the rest of your party – two or three days from now is when the fun really begins.

Virus 2: (Gently rotating on top of the ceiling fan) Yeah, you all have fun; you won’t even know we’re here! 

Virus 3: (Breaking up the ice in a bucket and dumping them in all the cups) Your house is our house is your house!  (Relative 6 dramatically wipes eyes and nose with a sleeve; Virus 3 passes over a bunch of tissues) Here – don’t be gross, kid.

Relative 1: (Scoots aside Viruses 7-700 to slump into an armchair in defeat) I suppose, considering I have all this food – !

(Oven timer DING!s)

Viruses and Relatives: Dinner!

(They race to the dining room)

Virus 1: (To Relative 1 on the way out) Gotta say, best party ever!

(Relative 1 is left alone in the living room with the cat and Viruses 347 – 12,958)

Relative 1: (To Viruses 347 – 12,958) Maybe take it easy on me?  I have a lot going on right now.

Viruses 347 – 12,958: Oooh, our favorite kind of host!

Story 566: “That” Relative at Thanksgiving

 [Disclaimer: This is not based on personal experience J]

(At the front door of a house, Relative 1 and Friend arrive carrying casserole dishes)

Friend: You sure they’re gonna like my mashed potatoes?

Relative 1: (Ringing the doorbell) Probably – and if they don’t, they’re decent enough to say so behind your back instead of to your face.

Friend: Oh good.

(Door is opened by Relative 2)

Relative 2: (As everyone hugs) Hiiiiii!!!  Happy Thanksgiving!  Glad you could make it!

Relative 1 and Friend: (As the group clusters into the vestibule) Happy Thanksgiving!

Relative 2: (Taking their coats and both dishes with practiced ease while also closing the front door) Come in, come in, make yourselves at home!  (Leans in with a low voice) Listen: just a heads-up that – ahem – Elder Cousin is also here today.

Relative 1: (Also in a low voice) What?  I haven’t seen her in years – I thought she died.

Relative 2: (Somehow smacks Relative 1 on the arm while still holding the coats and dishes) You hush your mouth!  No, she’s still with us, bless her heart, so I invited her today, and she came.  (Glares at Relative 1) So behave.

Relative 1: (Rubbing arm and mumbling) I always behave.

Relative 2: (Smiles at Friend) Would you like something to drink?

Friend: I’m good right now, thanks.

Relative 2: All righty – nibbles are out, so help yourselves!  I’ll be in the kitchen for the next five hours.  (Hustles off to toss the coats into a spare room and resume Mission: Thanksgiving Dinner)

Friend: (Whispers to Relative 1 as they make their way to the living room) Remind me: who’s “Elder Cousin”?

Relative 1: Oh, she’s technically the head of the extended family now by default, but we don’t see her so much on this side.  When she does make an appearance though, well….

Friend: What?

Relative 1: (They both stop walking) You ever been around someone who literally sucks the energy out of an entire room?

Friend: Once or twice.

Relative 1: Then you know.

Friend: So, the usual “don’t discuss religion and politics”, but in this case to the extreme?

Relative 1: Actually, those topics would probably be a welcome distraction today.

Friend: (As they start walking again) Oh, my.

(In the living room)

Relative 1: (Opens arms wide and smiles extremely broadly) Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Relatives 3-8: (Enthusiastically jump up from their seats) Happy Thanksgiving!

(Hugs and kisses all around take a few minutes)

Relative 1: (Still smiling broadly, turns to Elder Cousin seated on the couch) Happy Thanksgiving!  (Gives a kiss, then gestures to Friend who waves at Elder Cousin) Not sure if you met before, but this is my friend –

Elder Cousin: (To Friend) I remember you.

Friend: (Frozen smile) Oh?

Elder Cousin: We met briefly at Great-Granddad’s funeral.  You were very polite.

Friend: (Thinks back quickly) Oh… yes!  Thank you – that was…?

Elder Cousin: Seven years and two months ago.  I never forget a burial.

Friend: Ah.

Elder Cousin: (As Relatives 3-8 slowly sit down again on chairs and focus on the nibbles) It was like a dream that day: still summer, and yet there was a sudden frost so it almost looked like there was snow on the ground.  And Great-Granddad – so peaceful, yet I could still feel his judgement upon us all.

Friend: …I do remember the frost.

Elder Cousin: I should hope so, because it’s the last we’ll ever see this side of New Year’s, let me tell you.  Not that it’s ever done me any good.

Relative 1: (Claps hands briskly) Awesome!  So where’s the food?

Relative 3: (Leaps up from an armchair) I’ll get you a plate!  (Zooms toward the dining room where all the appetizers are laid out)

Relative 1: (Panics as escape has been foiled) No-no, I’ll get it –

Relative 3: I INSIST!  (Vanishes like the wind)

Elder Cousin: (Pats the couch on both sides of her; to Relative 1 and Friend) Have a seat.  (They sit slowly in the spots indicated)

Relative 1: Soooo… did you watch the parade today?

Elder Cousin: No.  Those things are displays of excess that crush the spirit.

Relative 1: Mm-hm, mm-hm…. Read any good books lately?

Elder Cousin: I haven’t read a good book in 50 years.

Relative 1: [Sighs in literal deflation]

(A few moments of silence, broken up by chewing)

Relative 4: (Perks up) We had the school play a few weeks ago – I was the lead.

Relatives 1, 5-8, and Friend: (All at once) Wonderful! That’s great!  Congratulations!

Elder Cousin: Enjoy the feeling while it lasts: you’ll never be on top of the world like that again.

Relative 4: Really?

Relative 5: (In a low voice to Relative 4) Don’t.

Elder Cousin: Experiences like that are fleeting, ephemeral – it feels amazing at the time, but passes all too soon and ultimately means nothing.  Makes you wonder why we even bother in the first place.

Relative 4: Oh.  Why do we bother?

Relative 5: (Pats Relative 4 comfortingly on the shoulder) It’s OK, dear – eat your cheese and crackers.

(Relative 2 rushes into the living room)

Relative 2: It’s done!  It’s finally done, ahahahahaha!  (Everyone else stares blankly back) Anybody want to help me bring all the stuff to the table or what?

(Relatives 4-8 leap up and run to the kitchen, grabbing Relative 3 holding an overflowing plate on the way)

Elder Cousin: (To Relative 1) You never got your plate of appetizers.  Want me to go tell that cousin of yours to bring it over with your dinner?

Relative 1: No, that’s OK – it’s a moot point now.

(Relative 1 and Friend walk with Elder Cousin to the dining room; plates and bowls continue to be brought in and glasses filled until there is no more room on the table, and everyone sits down)

Relative 2: (Smiling at the guests) I want to thank you all for coming today and sharing in our family tradition!  How about we all go around the table and say what we’re thankful for?  (Nods to Relative 6 nearby) You first.

Relative 6: (Raises a glass) That’s easy: I’m thankful for good health, good family, and good gravy, heh-heh-heh.

(Scattered chuckles across the table)

Relative 2: That’s great!  (To Elder Cousin) And what are you thankful for?

Elder Cousin: Not much: existence is a burden that we’re unjustly saddled with, and anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.  (After a few moments) Could somebody pass me the cranberry sauce?

Relative 2: (Hands over the bowl) Well, that was fun!  Dig in, everyone!

Relative 7: (As everyone starts dishing food onto their plates) Well, I’m thankful for –

Relative 8: Save it: the moment’s over.

Relative 7: Right.

(After a few minutes of contended eating)

Friend: (To Relative 2) Thank you so much for all this; everything tastes great!  (Murmurs of assent from full mouths around the table)

Relative 2: Aw, thank you!  You know the old joke: it takes weeks to prepare, days to make, and minutes for it all to be eaten up and gone, with hours of clean-up afterward…. (Looks off into the distance and sighs)

Elder Cousin: Exactly: no point to any of it.  Might as well pay someone to cater – save yourself the stress and also the time that we all have less and less of.  (Takes another helping of mashed potatoes) I mean, don’t get me wrong: everything here is delicious, you’re an excellent chef, but are we even going to remember what this tasted like a day from now, much less decades later when our memories slowly fade into oblivion?

Relative 4: (Raises hand) I will – (Relative 5 gently lowers the other’s hand)

Elder Cousin: You’re young yet: enjoy the company here today, child, for nothing is certain.

(Eating around the table gradually tapers off)

Relative 1: (Frantically) So!  How about those wacky politicians, eh?!

Relative 3: (Sitting on the other side of Relative 1, dazedly holding a turkey leg) You’re too late: I don’t even have the will to fight with you about that stuff anymore.

Relative 1: (Tears apart a roll) …Rats.

(During the massive clean-up, as many people as possible have crammed themselves into the kitchen so Relative 1 and Friend escort Elder Cousin back to their original positions on the living room couch)

Friend: Well, that was delicious.

Relative 1: Yeah, I don’t think I can fit another bite, so I’ll probably only be able to sample about half the desserts this year, if I’m lucky.  (Both chuckle)

Elder Cousin: Gluttony.

Friend: (To Elder Cousin) So what was your favorite dish?  (Relative 1 shakes head and widens eyes in warning at Friend)

Elder Cousin: (Shrugs) Eh, they all blur together into one giant carbohydrate.  Keep the insides ticking for another day, so that’s all that really matters, bottom line.

Friend: Uh-huh.

Elder Cousin: I do have a soft spot for that cranberry sauce, though.

Friend: It sure was tasty.

Elder Cousin: And your mashed potatoes were all right.

Friend: Thank you!

Elder Cousin: But the rest I could take or leave.

Relative 1: Aw, that’s too bad – maybe skip the whole thing next year, hm?!

Elder Cousin: I would, but I keep getting invited to these things no matter what comes out of my mouth; I guess the pull of family is too strong.

Relative 1: (Leans back on the couch and closes eyes contentedly while listening to the happy voices in the other room) The strongest force there is.

Story 520: Obligatory Card Season

             (Friend 1 and Friend 2 are seated at the kitchen table in Friend 1’s apartment; Friend 2 sips tea while Friend 1 works through a huge pile of mail)

Friend 1: (Ripping open envelopes, glancing briefly at the contents, and tossing them onto the table) – so then I said, “I get that you’re a manager with no actual break times and the expectation that you’re on-call 24/7, but I refuse to accept your being salaried as my problem when you want to stop for a snack at the exact same time I’m scheduled for dinner break, I don’t care if you only need five minutes.”

Friend 2: (Chokes on the tea) You didn’t actually say that, did you?

Friend 1: No, but I was sorely tempted to – I was hangry and it was getting to me.  (Opens a square red envelope, takes out and opens a greeting card, and widens eyes in horror) Uh-oh.

Friend 2: What, an eviction notice?

Friend 1: No!  Why would you even think that?!

Friend 2: (Slightly picks up one of the tossed-aside letters) Not to be an overly nosy friend, but half of these are bills.

Friend 1: And will be dealt with, all in good time!

Friend 2: Past due.

Friend 1: My time, not theirs!  (Holds up the card) It’s a Christmas card from one of my cousins!

Friend 2: Aw, how nice.

Friend 1: No it isn’t, because I completely forgot to send out mine!  (Rustles through the remainder of the mail pile and pulls out a bunch of red, green, and white decorative square envelopes) Look at all these!  They’re all coming in now, and I have yet to send out a single one!  With the month already almost half over!  (Tosses the cards back onto the table)

Friend 2: Yeah.

Friend 1: …I missed Hanukkah, didn’t I.

Friend 2: I wasn’t going to bring it up.

Friend 1: Son of a – !  Happy Hanukkah, by the way; I hope you had a nice one.

Friend 2: Thank you; the family says they hope you have a Merry Christmas.

Friend 1: (Grabs an envelope and holds it up) Your folks sent me a card, too!  (Also tosses it back onto the table, then grabs another one and holds it up) And here’s yours!  (Tosses that back onto the table as well, and rubs face) Is it too late to send out Hanukkah cards for this year, or would that only double-underline my faux pas?

Friend 2: Don’t worry, if you send them out now I promise we won’t return them to sender.

Friend 1: Thanks, you’re a very understanding pal.  (Runs hands through the multicolored pile of joyful wishes) Maybe I should just skip this year completely and they’ll all thank me for having to send out one less card going forward, since I’ll be crossed off the ever-growing list.

Friend 2: Maybe they would secretly, but at family functions your name would forever be mud.

Friend 1: You got that right.  (Sinks head onto the table)

Friend 2: (Finishes the tea and brings the cup to the sink to wash it) Whelp, I would offer to help in the spirit of the season, but I really don’t feel like spending the rest of my Sunday being your correspondence secretary so I’m going to play the guilt card you handed me earlier and leave you to tackle this on your own.

Friend 1: (Sits up again) Fair enough.  As your revel in your freedom this afternoon, think of me and my self-imposed toil.

Friend 2: I’d rather not.  (Leaves)

Friend 1: (Stares at the pile of cards, which seems to have grown when no one was looking) Why do we inflict this chore on ourselves?

ONE HOUR LATER

(Friend 1 is back at the table having gathered boxed cards, stamps, pens, an address book, and run out to the store for more boxed cards when seeing that the current boxes were almost empty)

Friend 1: (Braces self) Right.  Let us begin with the letter “A”.  (Opens the address book to “A”, brings the book closer to stare at the page, then roughly turns pages to skim through the names) What – why have I never noticed that a bunch of these relatives have been dead for years?!... And why has the post office never told me either?!  (Grabs a pen and starts crossing out names) And great, the rest of these moved so now I need to call around for new addresses – this is going to take forever!

TWO HOURS LATER

(Friend 1 is on a roll writing out cards and envelopes)

Friend 1: (Freezes in mid-sealing of an envelope) Wait a minute – is this one still at the same address as the parents?  (Flips back through the address book to an earlier letter in the alphabet) Yep, and I gave them all the same card!  (Unseals the envelope and opens the card) Think anyone’ll notice correction tape?

TWO HOURS LATER

(Friend 1 sits back in the chair and shakes out writer’s-cramped hand)

Friend 1: Done.  It’s done at last.  They can all be satisfied with our mutual obligation for at least one more year.  Now to the easy part.  (Grabs a sheet of stamps as the cell phone rings; answers the call after looking at the ID) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Voice) Just checking on the status of your homework.

Friend 1: (Stamping envelopes absent-mindedly) You’re hilarious.  Yes, I have finally reached the end of the address book for all 732 of my relatives, along with a few friends – you and your family and several others are getting generic “Season’s Greetings” cards at this point, by the way.

Friend 2: (Voice) Fine by me.  Don’t you love this time of year?

Friend 1: You know, it’s often hard to tell if you’re being sincere or sarcastic.  (Suddenly gasps)

Friend 2: (Voice) Oh no, what holiday horror is it now?

Friend 1: I RAN OUT OF STAMPS!

Story 517: You Had One Dish to Bring on Thanksgiving

 WEDNESDAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING

 (Relative 1 sits at a kitchen table paying bills on a laptop)

Relative 1: (Squints while leaning closer to the screen) They’re charging me a credit card fee after I’m saving them money by going paperless?!  Rude.  (Cell phone rings; Relative 1 picks up the phone, smiles on seeing the name on the caller ID, and answers) Hi there, Happy Early Thanksgiving, how –

Relative 2: (Has a cell phone propped against an ear and shoulder while pushing an overflowing shopping cart down a supermarket aisle surrounded by frenzied shoppers and constant panicked overhead announcements) I’ll cut right to the chase: seven family members cancelled on me last-minute due to various viruses and now I’m short on side dishes, so instead of salad I’m gonna need you to bring mashed potatoes instead.

Relative 1: Ohhhhh…. (Looks over at bags of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and an empty bowl all lined up on the counter) I was just about the make that up right after I finished depleting my bank account for the month.

Relative 2: Perfect timing, then – return what you didn’t use and get me mashed potatoes!  Please.

Relative 1: Um, I’m not sure you actually want me to make mashed potatoes.

Relative 2: (Tossing boxes of baking soda, flour, and sugar into the cart) What’s to make?  You go to the aisle with the refrigerated cases, get about five or so of the premade packages, and we empty `em into a large bowl and heat it up right before dinner!  I’d get them myself but now I have to make the corn casserole, cranberry sauce, apple pie, and pumpkin pie, and frankly neither I nor my budget can face one more bit of foodstuff on top of all that no matter how trivial it may seem.

Relative 1: But what about the salad?

Relative 2: No one cares about the salad!  I only asked you to bring it because it’s impossible to mess up and pretty much everyone skips it anyway!

Relative 1: Well I never – !

Relative 2: (Dashing the cart up another aisle aiming for the last two pie crusts in a refrigerated display case) Well you have now; no more time to chat; hours behind schedule; see you tomorrow; hugs and kisses; byeeeee!!!  (Drops the phone into the cart and dives into the crowd surrounding the case) MINE!

Relative 1: (Stares at the silent phone, then over at the now-useless salad stuff) So this means I have to go to a supermarket on the day before Thanksgiving?  (Eye starts twitching)

 STILL WEDNESDAY – 9:00 P.M.

 (Relative 1 rummages through the nearly-empty vegetable section of a refrigerated display case in a different, slightly less-crowded supermarket)

Relative 1: Ergghhh… all mashed cauliflower, no mashed potatoes.... (Grabs a box) Maybe I can get away with roasted potatoes?

Relative 2: [Voice in Relative 1’s head] I said “mashed”!!!

Relative 1: (Shudders and replaces the box on the shelf, still holding the door open to stare at the remaining products) So no mashed potatoes – do I need to buy actual potatoes and mash them myself?  (Shudders harder)

Shopper 1: (Zips a shopping cart to a stop next to the door) `Scuse me, can I get in there, please?

Relative 1: Huh?  Oh, yeah.  (Widens the door and steps aside)

Shopper 1: (Scoops boxes into the cart) You know, I couldn’t help overhearing your external monologue – there are boxes of potato flakes in Aisle 7 that you basically just mix and heat up to make mashed potatoes.

Relative 1: (Gasps) Really?!  Just like that?!

Shopper 1: (Still scooping) Yep: no muss, no fuss.

Relative 1: (Runs down the aisle) Thank you – thank you – thank you!

Shopper 1: (Moves on to another case, opens the door, and begins scooping more boxes into the cart) Sure thing – just need milk and butter.

Relative 1: (Skids to a stop and turns back) Eh?

Shopper 1: Oh, and salt, but you probably can get away with seasoning it later.  (Closes the door and speeds off in the opposite direction) Good luck!

Relative 1: (Starts shaking) …Ingredients?!

(In Aisle 7, Relative 1 holds up a box of potato flakes and scrutinizes the minimal instructions)

Relative 1: But what type of milk?  What type of butter?  Why are there no specifics?  (Looks up to the ceiling) Thanksgiving’s gonna be ruined because of MEEEEEE!!!!

Shopper 2: (In mid-rush with an overflowing shopping cart; briefly pauses next to Relative 1) Used to feel the same way: just tell everybody it’s that or nothing, they shut up real fast.  (Resumes sprint as Relative 1 stares after, then back at the box in a panic)

THANKSGIVING – BEFORE THE MAIN EVENT

 (At Relative 2’s house, chaos reigns as multiple dishes are being prepared simultaneously in the kitchen, adults yell at each other in order to be heard, and children yell at each other just because)

Relative 2: (To Relative 3) Could you start carving the turkey while I finish up the mushrooms?

Relative 3: Of course!  (Starts sharpening knives with glee) I live for this.

Relative 2: You worry me.  (Counts the full pots, pans, and platters on or in tables, counters, stoves, ovens, broilers, toasters, and microwaves) Hold it – we’re missing one.  (Thinks for a few moments, then slams a hand down on a cutting board in realization) Mashed potatoes!

Relative 4: (Entering the kitchen with an empty appetizer tray to clean) Yeah, is anyone else concerned that cousin’s not here yet?

Relative 2: (Grabs an upright phone sitting on a charger and pounds the keys while grinding teeth) Not – enough – sides!

Relative 4: Just me then?  OK.  (Starts on the towering pile of dishes in the sink)

Relative 2: (Listens to the phone ring, then immediately speaks once the call is answered) WHERE ARE MY MASHED POTATOES?!

Relative 1: Uhhhh…. (Covered in potato flakes and watching a pot on the stove slowly but surely bubble up to overflowing) I think I might’ve misread the instructions….

Relative 2: What instructions?!  You bring them here and we reheat them, HOW CAN YOU MESS UP DOING NOTHING?!

Relative 1: (Stirring the pot faster and faster) Well, the store didn’t have that kind, so I had to get a box of dried-out potatoes instead, and milk, and butter, and they don’t even tell you what type, by the way: 1%?  2%?  Salted?  Unsalted?  And what type of salt, but I skipped that –

Relative 2: YOU COULD’VE BROUGHT THE BOX HERE AND I WOULD’VE MADE THEM!

Relative 1: (Stops stirring; the pot boils over) …You seemed busy.

Relative 2: (Bites on a wooden spoon, then speaks deathly low) Stop whatever you’re doing, get over here now, and bring the box with you.

Relative 1: (Tries using a lid to smother the overflowing pot) OK, I guess I can wrap it up so it doesn’t spill all over the car – traffic’s a nightmare right now though, so it’s probably gonna take me at least an hour –

Relative 2: I SAID GET OVER HERE NOW!  (Slams the phone down onto the charger, takes a breath, and sees Relative 3 hovering in mid-carve while staring at Relative 2) Who told you to stop?!

Relative 3: (Starts slicing again) On it!

Relative 2: (Enters the living room where most of the relatives are gathered, about half of them watching the football game) All right folks, I’ve got good news and bad news.  Good news is: dinner is almost ready.

Relatives: YAY!

Relative 2: Bad news is: there’ll be no mashed potatoes.

Relatives: ARGGGGHHHHH…. (Relative 5 stands up to leave)

Relative 2: (Points to Relative 5) Sit!

Relative 5: (Sits back on the couch, grumbling) But I only wanted to eat the mashed potatoes….

Relative 2: I know, everyone;, it’s a great loss, but we will strive to enjoy the turkey and the 23 other sides without it, I suppose.

Relative 4: (Leans into the living room from the growing pile in the kitchen sink) Wait a second, is the cousin who was supposed to bring it all right?  Did something happen?

Relative 2: Irrelevant to the meal!  (Spins on heel and returns to the kitchen, stopping short in front of the main stove) And now the gravy’s all lumpy, gaaaaaahhhhh!!!!

THANKSGIVING – DESSERT HOUR

 (Relative 1 enters Relative 2’s house carefully carrying a large package while everyone else sits at several tables of varying sizes eating pies, cakes, cookies, and candies)

Relative 1: (As everyone turns to the sound of the front door closing) Hi everybody, Happy Thanksgiving!

Relatives: (Waving) Hiiiiiiii!!!!  Happy Thanksgiving!

Relative 4: You made it!  Are you OK?

Relative 1: (As Relative 2 zooms over from the main table) Yeah, just a little mishap with the mashed potatoes, sorry you had to miss out on those this year.

Relatives: Nah – that’s OK – it’s fine –

Relative 5: It was not fine for me!

Relative 1: (Turns to Relative 2’s glare and holds out the package) So, I ran out to the store again today and managed to snag the last batch of freshly-baked cinnamon buns –

Relative 2: (Snatches the package out of Relative 1’s hands) All is forgiven.