Story 475: I Don’t Believe in Friday the 13th

(In an office)

Coworker 1: (Trails off while typing and slowly stares into space within the cubicle) What am I doing?  Why am I here?  Who am I really?  What am – ?!

Coworker 2: (Pops head around the corner) Hey: we’re ordering from the deli downstairs for lunch, you in?

Coworker 1: (Snaps to attention) Yeah, could I have a pastrami on rye with extra pickles and smothered in ketchup, please?

Coworker 2: Unusual, but you bet.  (Starts to slide away, then pops back in again) Oh, you mind also picking it up?  No one else wants to `cause of the date.

Coworker 1: Oh no, is today a memorial or something?

Coworker 2: What?  No, it’s Friday the 13^th.  I’m surprised anyone actually came into the office.

Coworker 1: (Laughs in disbelief) Friday the 13^th?  Seriously, everyone here’s that superstitious?

Coworker 2: Clearly – this building doesn’t even have a thirteenth floor.

Coworker 1: This building was constructed in the early 1900s so your point is outdated.

Coworker 2: Well, whatever.  We all believe in it, so since you clearly don’t, you get the thrill of having to pick up lunch.

Coworker 1: But if everyone believes in today being bad luck, why’d you all even come into work?  Why didn’t you just call out sick?

Coworker 2: …It’s Free Doughnut Friday in the conference room.

Coworker 1: Ah.  Fine, I’ll pick up lunch; just give me all the money.

Coworker 2: Sure thing – you’re the best!  (Puts on a helmet and leaves)

(Coworker 1 shakes head and opens a new e-mail message that reads: “Please redo your portion of the shared file – there was a glitch and none of your edits were saved.  Thanks a bunch!”

Coworker 1: My portion?!  That took me over three hours to do!  (Stares back to where Coworker 2 had been) Hmmmm…. nah, this is just regular annoying bad luck.

(Later, Coworker 1 arrives at the downstairs deli, exhausted)

Cashier!  Hi!  Usually don’t see you around here.

Coworker 1: (Gasping for air and leaning on the counter) I drew – the short straw – in picking up – lunch – today.

Cashier:  Sure.  (Grabs a large bag with the order and leaves it on the counter)  You feeling all right?

Coworker 1: (Hands over the money with shaking arms) The elevator – wasn’t working – had to take the stairs all the way.

Cashier: That stinks.  How many flights?

Coworker 1: All of them.

Cashier: (Takes the money and rings up the order) Well, it is Friday the 13^th –

Coworker 1: Not you, too?

Cashier: (Laughs while handing over change) Only a little bit: the most I do is avoid walking under ladders, but that’s just a good safety habit, I think.

Coworker 1: Yeah.  (Freezes) Uh-oh.

Cashier: What?  Forgot somebody’s order?

Coworker 1: (Tilts head back) I just realized, I now have to walk back up all those stairs.  With extra weight.  This’ll be the most exercise I’ve gotten in years.

Cahier: Yeah.  Or, you could take the freight elevator.

Coworker 1: Huh?

Cashier: (Points to the elevators in the hallway) I’ve been seeing people use that all day.  Guess `cause the other one is broken.

Coworker 1: (Stares at the working elevator) Son of a mmmmfffff.

(Back in the office, Coworker 1 staggers into the breakroom, dumps the food bag onto the table, and collapses onto a chair; Coworker 2 enters soon afterward)

Coworker 2: (Immediately begins going through the bag) Hey: saw you come through our department, everything OK?  You took forever.

Coworker 1: (Staring at the ceiling) The regular elevator were broken, so I took the stairs.

Coworker 2: (With a mouth full of sandwich) That’s too bad – should’ve checked the freight elevator first, I think there was an e-mail about that this morning.

Coworker 1 (With gritted teeth) So I realize.

(Coworker 3 zooms into the breakroom and heads straight for the bag)

Coworker 3: (To Coworker 1) Thanks for picking these up, you’re gonna need it: turns out we all gotta stay tonight until the big project’s done.

Coworker 2: (Still with a full mouth) I thought we had another two weeks for that?

Coworker 3: Gross.  We did, and now we have until tomorrow.  Friday the 13^th strikes again, eh, chums?  (Strolls out with a sandwich)

Coworker 2: (Muffled, to Coworker 1) Told ya.  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Sighs from the depths, then takes the bag and pulls out the rest of the sandwiches) …Where’s mine?!

(Late that night, Coworker 1 arrives home and stands in the entranceway, too drained to move.  After a few moments, the phone rings)

Coworker 1: Arrrrrggggghhhhh…. (Answers the call) Whaaaaaaaat?????

Coworker 2: (Voice) Just wanted to let you know that it’s after midnight so Friday the 13^th is officially over and you can relax now.

Coworker 1: Well, thank you; I wouldn’t have gotten a wink of sleep tonight if you hadn’t called me super late to tell me that very piece of nonsense.

Coworker 2: Hey, we all had a garbage day – facts don’t lie.

Coworker 1: I want to, right now, on my bed, and sleep through the entire weekend.  Bad night to you.

Coworker 2: If you’re now convinced of the power of Friday the 13^th, then brace yourself for this tidbit of trivia.

Coworker 1: Oh joy; what now?

Coworker 2: We’ve got another one coming up in nine months.

Story 469: The Benefits of Owning Your Mistakes

(In a large office)

Coworker 1: (Speaking to the computer monitor while addressing Coworker 2 at the next desk over) It’s great that we get two weeks’ vacation a year, but what if somebody takes them a full week at a time and just wants an extra day here and there to do absolutely nothing, or errands, and doesn’t want to use sick time in case they jinx themselves into getting sick and actually need those days?

Coworker 2: (Trying to solve a differential equation for a school project) Uhhhhh-huhhhhh….

Coworker 1: Just a few extra float days each year is all I’m saying; it’s not like we’re asking for sabbaticals or year-long parental leaves, although those also would be nice – (Reads an e-mail and suddenly chokes) Oh no – oh no – oh no –

Coworker 2: (Half-looks over) “Oh” what?

Coworker 1: (Types and clicks the mouse frantically) Shoot – shoot – shoot – SHOOT – SHOOT – !

Coworker 2: (Fully looks over) Easy there, chum, you’re skirting the edges of acceptable language and volume.  What happened?

Coworker 1: (With an extremely wan face, turns to Coworker 2) Remember that memo I sent to I.T. last week telling them to turn off the thing for the thing?

Coworker 2: (Looks up briefly to think) …No.

Coworker 1: Well, I did, and they did, and I just now got an e-mail from somebody trying to access the thing, and I just now realized I shouldn’t have told them to turn off the thing because of a lot of people actually’ll still need it, and I also just now realized this is going to mess up so many other things company-wide if it hasn’t already, and I have no idea how to fix it because it can’t be undone, and what am I gonna do???!!!

Coworker 2: (Shrugs and resumes homework) Only thing you can do: own it.

Coworker 1: (Slumps in seat) Ohhhh, that’s going to hurt soooo muchhhh – but you’re saying I should `cause it’s the right thing to do, right?

Coworker 2: “Right thing to do” doesn’t factor into my equations.

Coworker 1: So… what does?

Coworker 2: (Turns back to Coworker 1) If this thing has had as big an impact on the company as you think it does, then there’s no getting out of it being traced back to you.  No amount of whining or groveling will save you from the inevitable backlash, so the only thing you can do now is get ahead of the whole mess and do a proverbial fall your proverbial sword.

Coworker 1: Sounds Shakespearean, but I never read any of that.

Coworker 2: Yeah.  Basically, fess up to what happened, take all responsibility for anything and everything that might have happened or possibly will happen, and report yourself to H.R. or Corporate or whatever.  Everyone will love you for your honesty and self-recrimination, and go out of their way not to punish you.

Coworker 1: (Sniffs back tears) Really?  Just like that?

Coworker 2: Yep.  But you’ve got an extremely narrow window of opportunity to play this golden card, so I say if you’re gonna do it, do it now.

Coworker 1: (Thinks this over, nods, and stands) You’re right; I’m off to trip on my dagger, then!  (Runs to Manager’s office)

Coworker 2: (Briefly looks after Coworker 1) It’s fall on your – ah, forget it.  (Submits the solved problem and returns to working on a doctoral dissertation)

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (On the phone) I’m telling you, they’re getting weirder by the minute –

Coworker 1: (Bursts through the door) I DID IT!

Manager: Speaking of; gotta go.  (Hangs up the phone and stares calmly at Coworker 1) Have a seat.  (Coworker 1 sits decidedly) So, what’s up?

Coworker 1: I messed up big time, Boss!

Manager: Take it down a notch.

Coworker 1: Sorry – I ruined everything for everyone.

Manager: How’s that?

Coworker 1: I told I.T. to turn off the thing for the thing instead of leaving it alone `cause apparently a lot of people are still using the thing –

Manager: I’ll say: I need to use the thing myself later today.

Coworker 1: Well, it’s irrevocably turned off, I did it, and I ruined everything, it was me, all me!  (Lowers head to the desk and sobs hysterically)

Manager: Oh, you’re crying now.  Well, thank you for notifying me as soon as you found out; we’ll figure out how to deal with it, then.  (Starts typing on the computer) Now get out before I get angry.

Coworker 1: (Scurries back to Coworker 2) I’m going to cautious-optimistically say that your suggestion worked – how did you know?

Coworker 2: (Processing an experiment) Trial and error.

Coworker 1: Oh.  Anyway, so far I think I’m all right –

Coworker 3: (Passing by) Hey: heard you took the blame for having I.T. turn off the thing for the thing.

Coworker 1: Yes-I-did-it-all-it-was-me-from-the-very-beginning-I’m-so-sorrrryyy!!!

Coworker 3: OK; just wanted to say don’t worry about it, happens to us all, we’ll figure it out together, no matter what we’ve got your back.  (Lightly slaps said back and leaves)

Coworker 1: …Maybe I should mess up more often.

 THE FOLLOWING WEEK

(In a conference room before a presentation)

Coworker 4: (Standing at a computer terminal) All right, who forgot to update the slides with this quarter’s data?!

Coworker 1: (Raises hand wildly) Ooh, ooh, me, it was my turn and I completely forgot, and now I ruined everything for our group, I’m so sorry!!

Coworker 4: OK, calm down, I’ll tell them we’ll send the data later.  Respect your honesty; it takes a lot of guts not to worm your way out of this one.

Coworker 1: (Leans back in chair and folds hands behind head) Yes.  Yes it does.

 THE FOLLOWING WEEK

(In the office common area, a group of coworkers meet in a circle)

Coworker 5: Now I know somebody here dropped the ball in not following policy, and we’re all going to get cited for it even though the rest of us didn’t do it, and I’m so mad I could spit!

Coworker 1: It was me!  I dropped the ball that’ll get all of us in trouble!  I can’t bear my mistake-riddled self; I never do anything right!  (Hunches over, weeping)

Coworker 5: (Pats Coworker 1’s shoulder) Hey, it’s OK, we can work around this, it’s not as bad as I thought at first.  You all right, buddy?

Coworker 1: (Straightens up immediately, dry-eyed) I’ll manage.

 THE FOLLOWING WEEK

(Coworker 6 approaches Coworkers 1’s desk)

Coworker 6: Hey: without this one piece to the project, the whole thing’s gonna fall apart!  What happened?!

Coworker 1: (Has feet propped up on the desk and is snacking on popcorn) Oh, I completely forgot to enter that in; no excuse; I embrace all responsibility for that oversight; please do forgive my egregious error.

Coworker 6: Well, I appreciate that; I’ll try to figure out how to fix this, then.  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) So, it seems by doing everything wrong lately, I can do no wrong lately.

Coworker 2: (Without looking away from the computer screen) Does it now.

Manager: (Passing by, to Coworker 1) Yeah, you’re fired.

Coworker 1: (Drops feet back to the ground and spills the popcorn) Huh?!

Manager: You’ve been doing nothing but mistakes lately, and who needs that?  Get your error-prone self out of here.  (Leaves)

(Coworker 1 stares at Coworker 2 in accusatory shock)

Coworker 2: (Preparing to give a commencement speech at a virtual graduation ceremony; to Coworker 1) Never overplay the golden card: it stops working at a certain point.

Story 456: Did Not Expect This Meeting to Go in That Direction

(In a private office, Manager sits at the desk straightening random pieces of paper when there is a knock on the door)

Manager: Come on in!  (Employee enters with a swagger) Have a seat!  (Manager gestures to the chair in front of the desk)

Employee: Thanks.  (Strolls over to the chair and sits extremely casually)

Manager: So!  (Folds hands on the desk) You’re probably wondering why I asked that we meet today.

Employee: (Glances to the left of Manager while resting an arm on the back of the chair) Well, since there’s an H.R. rep. joining us –

H.R. Rep.: (Standing to the left of Manager) Howdy.

Employee: – I assume it’s about the supervisor position I applied for.

Manager: Oh yeah, everyone applied for that – if I wasn’t already as far as I could go in this piddling department, I’d’ve applied for it myself, heh-heh-heh.

Employee: Heh-heh, yeeeeaaaahhh…. (Checks fingernails and sighs in contentment) Soooo…?

Manager: Hm?  Oh, right: as you probably guessed by now, you didn’t get it.

Employee: (Jaw drops open and everything droops) What?!  Why not?!

Manager: I’m not legally obligated to tell you that.

Employee: Then as a favor from one human being to another!  I meet all the requirements for the job, I’ve been with the company for over 15 years, I even work overtime without being asked – what else could you all possibly be looking for that I don’t already have?!

Manager: Well….

H.R. Rep.: Allow me to step in here.

Manager: (Relieved) Please do.

H.R. Rep.: (Steps closer to Employee, who instinctively leans back in the chair) Frankly, it’s not us or the position requirements: it’s you.

Employee: (Blinks a few times) I don’t follow.

H.R. Rep.: This new role would have you supervising 20 of your current coworkers and, to be blunt, none of them like you.

Employee: That’s ridiculous!  I get along with everybody!

H.R. Rep.: (Consults a tablet) There’ve been several complaints lodged against you in the past few years –

Employee: Which were resolved amicably and we all work together splendidly now!  Some of my best friends are my coworkers!

H.R. Rep.: There’s a complaint currently in progress that was lodged right before you applied for the new position.

Employee: That one’s just being a pill – I should be the one lodging a complaint against… what’s-their-name, for wasting my time!

H.R. Rep.: (Consults the tablet again) You’ve also been written up at regular intervals for “inappropriate use of company equipment.”

Employee: What on Earth does that even mean?!

H.R. Rep.: Using the company’s Wi-Fi network to check your social media accounts and shop online.

Employee: Oh.  Well, when else am I supposed to do all that when I’m always working overtime?!

Manager: (Leans forward) No one asked you to!

Employee: (Leans forward) I’M A GOOD TEAM PLAYER!

H.R. Rep.: Speaking of which – (Consults the tablet again) you’ve been noted on several annual evaluations to basically leave coworkers on group projects to do your work in addition to theirs while you go off on frequent vacations or say you’re too busy doing what turns out to be lower priority tasks.

Employee: …It was just that one time!

Manager: It’s been every time!

Employee: (Points finger at Manager) Listen: I am extremely busy, I have so many plates in the air, who are you to tell me – (Points finger at self) what’s “high” and “low” priority?!

Manager: As your manager, it is literally my job to tell you what to do!

Employee: (Raises an eyebrow and leans back again while muttering) Pushy.

H.R. Rep.: (Consults the tablet again) You also –

Employee: Not to interrupt, but I’m going to anyway: if you’re just going to list my supposed sins and go on about how suddenly no one wants to work with me, with the bottom line being I’m still not getting the position, then I have better things to do right now and a concert ticket sale for which I am losing my spot in the queue with every passing second!

H.R. Rep.: (Shares a look with Manager) Yeah, the other part of this meeting is: the new position requires more from the department’s budget, so we have to cut a full-time employee to make up for that and decided you’re it.

Employee: (Glares at both of them for several moments) Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Manager: (Stands; Employee does the same) You’ll have two weeks to finish up any outstanding projects and leave notes for all the others who have to pick up whatever slack you haven’t already left them, so don’t spend that time – (Leans over to read from the tablet H.R. Rep. holds out) catfishing people on dating sites, or running your online poker tournament, or cyberbullying the temps into doing your monthly reports for you!

Employee: (Sneers at both while heading to the door) Oh, you know I’m gonna!

H.R. Rep.: Well that certainly makes this decision much easier – we may need to have Security escort you out, then.

Employee: Good, I need the excitement in my life!

H.R. Rep.: Oh, and one more thing –

Employee: (Hand on the doorknob) What now?!

H.R. Rep.: As you're still technically a current employee, I’m required to wish you a Happy Labor Day Weekend.

Employee: …Yeah, you too.