Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Story 115: New Year?

            “I can’t wait for the New Year to begin and this one to finally end,” she said as she sat at the bar.  “I have so many resolutions that I want to see if I’m able to keep them this year.”
            “Hm,” the man sitting next to her said.  “You know, in some religions and cultures, the New Year already happened, so you missed it.”
          “Well, if you celebrate Samhain in the northern hemisphere, New Year was back on Halloween.  You’re two months late – way to go.”
            “Yeah, I’m not an ancient Druid, so I think I’m OK.”
            “It’s not just ancient Druids who celebrate – ”
            “And eating all that candy would have totally ruined my resolution to lose 100 lbs. in a day.”
            “That’s physically impossible.  You know, if you were Hindu, Diwali’s been and gone twice now in October and November, depending on what region you’re in.  You’ve lost multiple opportunities at this rate.”
            “Was that what all those lights I saw were about?  When did they have the ball drop?”
            “…You know, you also missed the Islamic New Year on the first day of Muharram back in October, and the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashanah, also back in October.  October was a really happening month this year.”
            “No, no, no!  How can the Georgian calendar be so far behind everyone else’s?  How can we be missing what the Earth is clearly telling us is happening all the time?!”
            “Very easily in your case.  But don’t worry: the next Chinese New Year isn’t until February, so you can wait until then if you want to really take your time doing any resolving.”
            “That’s two months too late!  That’s as bad as me missing Samhain!”
            “I thought you weren’t an ancient Druid.”
            “What did I know?!  All I know for sure is that all my resolutions have failed before they’ve even begun!”
            “Here, have a drink, you’ll feel better.”
            “That was one of my resolutions not to do anymore!”
            …3…2…1…Happy New Year!
            “OK, you can start them now if you want.”
            “It’s already been New Year’s for hours everywhere else in the world east of here!”
            “Well, this has been fun, but I’ve gotta head out now.”
            “Wait!  Don’t you want to keep celebrating whichever New Year this is?”
            “Lady, my cab’s here, and you need to find some real friends and go home.”
            “I can’t leave yet, I’m the bartender!”

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

Story 114: Night of Silence

            “Traffic was the usual nightmare – why is there only one road and only one bridge leading to the same place where everybody’s goin’?”
            “Whose room is everybody’s coats going in?  Last year I couldn’t find my scarf when we were leaving.”
            “Did you say ‘Thank you for the sweater’ to Grandma?  Go say ‘Thank you’ now!”
            “I know we’re the grandkids, but we’re all in our 30s and 40s – why do we still have to sit at the kiddie table?”
            “I need a drink.  Somebody turn on the game before my head explodes.”
            “Everybody sit down and eat!  Why is no one sitting?!”
            “Mommy, he’s looking at me!”
            “Stop looking at your sister or else Santa’ll take back all your presents!”
            “So, Santa didn’t get me a cruise to the Caribbean, again.”
            “Who’s missing?  Is she still sick?  I’ll make up a container for her.”
            “What broke over there?!”
            “I didn’t think I had this many dishes.”
            “Is the coffee ready yet?  I’ll bring out the fennel and fruit.”
            “She took my toy!”
            “That’s it!  Everything’s going back in the car!”
            “Keep this up and it’ll all go back to the North Pole!”
            “Coffee’s still not ready, but have some of the pastries.”
            “You guys finally made it!  How’s the traffic on the bridge now?”
            “We could’ve walked here faster.  One guy on the road certainly did.”
            “How did we run out of chairs?  I counted them this morning.”
            “We’re gonna be going – I’ve gotta work tomorrow.”
            “On a Saturday?”
            “Oh right.  Still, gotta go.”
            “Daddy, I can’t find my new doll!”
            “She’s out getting the car – I’ll go help her.”
            “Coffee’s ready!”
            “There’s only five of us left – ”
            “Drink it!”
            “Thanks for the great dinner, as always!  Good night!”
            “Safe home!  Merry Christmas!”
            “And Happy New Year!”
            “I am not cleaning all this up tonight.”
            The star shone on over the peace and quiet at last.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Story 113: Cat Translator – Christmas Edition

            Lots of activity.  Humans moving landmarks around – bearings are lost.  Must re-sniff and re-mark territory to ensure sanity.
            Commotion at domicile’s front entry.  A large mass is heading in this direction – flee!
            Emerge hours later out from under cushioned sleep nest.  In corner of main living area stands an outdoor being.  Scent is reminiscent of forest, but creature also reeks of death.  Stand at base to mourn passing, then move underneath to investigate further.
            Humans interrupt when they gather around forest creature and continue their desecration by hanging random objects all over it.  Lights flash, blindingly.  Ooh – tissue paper!
            Shooed away.  The One consoles with ear rubs – reward with noises The One likes.  The human ritual continues until forest creature is entirely covered in shame.  Would stay away out of respect if only smell was not so captivating.  What tales of the outside world this creature could have shared.
            Darkness and quiet.  A round object is hanging low on forest creature’s limb – perhaps can assist in removing shame by knocking object away.  There.
           In the brightness, humans are distressed upon seeing formerly round object.  The One comforts with more ear rubs – reward with a nuzzle.  Others continue making loud noises over formerly round object, which was not even alive at any point, unlike forest creature.  Difficult to understand rules around here at times.
            Plan to assist forest creature by removing objects is nullified; onward with continuous vigil.
            Large number of objects appear under forest creature.  Humans rip them apart, making happy noises.  Ooh – tissue paper!
            Objects are removed at last from under and on forest creature.  Forest creature itself is removed from domicile – fortunate, since dead state was attracting unwelcome residents.  Empty space.  Farewell, one who has endured much.
            Ooh – pine needles!  Delicious.