Story 583: Drama On-Screen, Drama Off-Screen

 [Not inspired by a true story; just a parody of a sci-fi show’s on- and off-screen shenanigans]

(On the bridge of a starship in the distant future, when all of Earth’s major problems have been solved but the universe still has most of them; most of the crew members are human and from the U.S.A.; and all ship’s systems work perfectly – until they don’t)

Captain: (Sitting relaxed in The Big Chair) Well, now that the crisis with the Betelgeusian Empire has been averted once again, let’s get back to our real jobs of exploring every last bit of space dust out there.

First Officer: (Sitting in a nearby Not-As-Big-Chair) I couldn’t agree more, Cap’n.

Captain: (Swivels chair to face a side bank of computers where several crew members continuously tap lots of buttons, and addresses a mechanical being seated there) Commander A.I.: What’s the nearest star system we haven’t poked our heads in on yet?

Commander A.I.: (Swivels chair to face Captain) The closest to this vessel would be the binary system designated HD 93308, Captain.

Captain: Eh?

Commander A.I.: The name more commonly used by your species would be Eta Carinae.

Captain: Great, splendid, thanks – go back to your space experiments or robot supremacy manifesto or whatever it is you do all day.

Commander A.I.: Acknowledged.  (Swivels back to continue manifesto titled Someday I Will Be Captain)

Captain: (Swivels chair to face the front of the bridge) Helm: set a course for Eta Carinae, maximum close-but-not-quite-light speed, and get us there ASAP!

Helm: (Stationed in front of the main viewscreen) Aye, Captain: setting course.  (Taps a bunch of buttons)

Tactical Officer: (Sitting at a station in the back of the bridge) Captain, I must protest this decision – we have no idea what is in that system; the inhabitants could vaporize us the moment we arrive!

Captain: (Without turning around) Noted and ignored.  (To Helm) Proceed ASAP!

Helm: Aye-aye, Captain: off we go!

(The ship powers up for close-but-not-quite-light speed, then suddenly powers down)

First Officer: (To Captain) Did we forget to fill up the tank at the last port?

Captain: (Taps an intercom button) Engineering!  What is going on down there?!

Chief Engineer: (Voice) I have no idea, Captain!  One minute everything was working; next minute everything is kaput!  I’ll have to rebuild the entire engine from scratch, and I have no idea why!  (Sounds of weeping and wailing from the entire Engineering department is heard)

Captain: All right, tell your team to pull themselves together and rebuild the engine – shouldn’t take more than a few hours, right?

Chief Engineer: It’s completely fried, Captain!  This’ll take weeks, if not years!

Captain: Hm.  In that case, call me back when you have better news.  (Taps the intercom button off and turns to First Officer) Wonder how something like this could’ve happened?

First Officer: (Shrugs) I dunno – everything always works perfectly here, so the only possibly explanation is outside saboteur.

(A crew member with cranial appendages not found on humans stands up at a station on the opposite side bank of computers)

Science Officer: Not quite!  The cause is an inside saboteur!

Captain: Oh, that’s good to know – who is it?

Science Officer: …Me.

Captain: Oh, thanks for telling us, then – wait, what?!  Why?!

Science Officer: Isn’t it obvious?  I loathe you all with every ounce of my being!

Captain: Since when?!  We just celebrated your birthday last week and you said you had a blast!

Science Officer: Only to conceal my inner rage!

(By now the entire bridge crew has stopped tapping buttons and swiveled their chairs around to watch this conversation)

First Officer: Hang on: you and I bonded only days ago when we crash-landed on that desert moon, and you even said that you admired my bravery and resourcefulness and all that stuff!

Science Officer: Yes, well… I meant that, but I still loathe you all!

Captain: But why, I ask again?!

Science Officer: Because your humans-only clique never really let me in as a true member!

Captain: Well, we tried our darndest, but in some areas your species is just too weird for us to handle, OK!  Get over it!

Science Officer: Never!  (Taps the ship-wide intercom button) Attention, crew members, civilian contractors, passengers, and children who really shouldn’t be out in space while still maturing and with all the dangers we encounter regularly: I despise every last one of you, and soon I will have my revenge!

Captain: (Stands) Unacceptable!

Science Officer: And furthermore, I am taking full command of this vessel, and will soon commence with punishing you all in horrible ways, and – (Clears throat) and – (Sighs heavily)

Captain: Yes?

“Science Officer”: (Slowly sits) I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Captain: Whaddya mean, Lieutenant?

“Science Officer”: I mean, I can’t convincingly play a character who’s suddenly an undercover malcontent since the beginning of the series and decided long ago to turn traitor, when I’ve been best buds with everyone up until this episode and you never gave me any notes before now saying otherwise!

“Captain”: (To the ceiling) Cut!  (Sits down; back to “Science Officer”) Well, as I explained at the table read, we’ve been on for five seasons and need to shake things up a bit – “secret traitor” is storyline gold, so sorry that you drew the short straw on that but this is the only way to keep our show relevant, the fans’ll talk about it for years if not forever, and it really does make sense for your character if you think about it.

“Science Officer”: No it doesn’t!  It makes zero sense with the way the character’s arc has developed so far, and now the audience is gonna hate both the character and me because most can’t separate the two!

“Captain”: That’s not true!  Most will just hate the character and feel sorry for you; take the win.

“Science Officer”: You just want to write me off the show, is that it?!

“Captain”: Don’t be absurd – I’d’ve killed off your character between seasons so I’d never have to see you again if I’d wanted to write you off the show!

“Commander A.I.”: Excuse me!  (Everyone else swivels in their chairs to face the opposite side of the bridge) Does this count as a break, because I would really like to take this thing off!  (Points with both hands to helmet head)

“Captain”: Sure, fine, take the thing off.  (“Commander A.I.” yanks off the slightly stuck helmet head, sweating and gasping for air) I don’t get why you’re complaining – we finally got you that expensive cooling system like the astronauts have and everything.

“Commander A.I.”: Oh yes.  And it’s doing JACK POOP!

“Science Officer”: Heh, just be thankful you don’t have to get up at 3:00 every morning for prosthetics smothering your whole face and sometimes – (Shudders) your whole body.

“Commander A.I.”: True, but you also don’t have to breathe through a bucket!

“Captain”: We’re getting off-track here.  (Swivels back to “Science Officer” as “Commander A.I.” takes out a cellphone from a costume compartment and starts typing) No, I am not writing you off the show –

“Science Officer”: HA!

“Captain”: After this storyline ends, your character’ll still be in the same role on the ship, unchanged.

“Science Officer”: How is that even possible?!  I literally declared revenge on everyone onboard!  They’re all just going to forget that?!

“First Officer”: (To “Captain”) Yeah, the whole thing really seems out of character for… everybody.

“Helm”: (Briefly raises a hand) I agree – anyone else would’ve been court-martialed, and maybe even executed.

“Captain”: Nobody’s executed in space utopia!

“Helm”: OK, how about “socially shunned”?

“Captain”: C’mon, folks, you were all at the table read, you knew this was happening for months, if you had any concerns why didn’t you say anything back then?!

“Science Officer”: I did say something back then.

“First Officer”: So did I.

“Tactical Officer”: So did I.

“Helm”: So did –

“Captain”: All-right-all-right; and if you also remember, I told you at the time that it’ll all work out, and you just have to trust the process!

(A Production Assistant enters from a back corner of the bridge with a large frozen drink and brings it to “Commander A.I.”)

Production Assistant: Here ya go.

“Commander A.I.”: (Takes the drink) Ah, bless you.  (Presses the plastic cup against forehead and cheeks and then drinks from the straw desperately as Production Assistant exits through the viewscreen)

“Captain”: (To “Commander A.I.”) For real?!  You can’t be having that now – we’re gonna start again in another five minutes!  (“Commander A.I.” blankly stares at “Captain” over the straw, then slowly swivels away while holding one arm up and back to give the finger) That’s just great.  (Back to “Science Officer”) Listen, I understand this situation is a bit… frustrating –

“Science Officer”: Understatement of the year.

“Captain”: But it’ll all work out for great drama, I promise.  And if for some reason it doesn’t, the blame’ll fall on me as showrunner, and you’ll still get a primetime television award at the end of the day.

“Science Officer”: Really?

“Captain”: Oh yeah, you’ll be a shoo-in!

“First Officer”: (To “Science Officer”) Heads-up: you’ll more likely win the sci-fi genre award rather than the primetime one.

“Science Officer”: (Downcast) Oh.

“First Officer”: But still, award’s an award though, am-I-right?

“Science Officer”: I guess.

“Tactical Officer”: I have a question.  (Everyone else turns to face the back of the bridge) If that character’s getting written off, does that mean that mine can get more lines?

“Science Officer”: Hey!

“Tactical Officer”: Sorry, but all I seem to say lately are “We can’t trust them, Captain!” and “Lifeforms detected, Captain!” and “Freeze!”

“Captain”: I just said that character is not getting written off!  Does no one listen to me?!

(“Doctor” enters from the back corner of the bridge)

“Doctor”: Hi, sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been waiting for my cue for about 10 minutes – is it all right if I take lunch now instead?

“Captain”: (Sighs) Yes, go ahead, take lunch.

“Commander A.I.”: (Waves frantically at “Doctor”) Ooh-ooh-ooh, can I come with you?!

“Doctor”: Sure, if it’s all right with – (Gestures at “Captain”)

“Commander A.I.”: It is!  (Leaps up from the seat and runs to join “Doctor”)

“Captain”: Hey!  (“Commander A.I.” and “Doctor” freeze, then slowly turn back around; “Captain” points at the helmet head left on the floor) If you’re leaving, you gotta take your head with you – you know we’re all responsible for our own costumes and props!

“Commander A.I.”: (After a few moments, holds out the drink to “Doctor”) Would you mind holding this for a minute, please?

“Doctor”: You bet.  (Takes the drink, surreptitiously takes off the lid, and takes a sip)

(“Commander A.I.” and “Captain” glare at each other as the former slowly walks back to the side bank of computers, breaks the look to pick up the helmet head, then after a pause savagely drop-kicks it across the set to an unoccupied corner.  Everyone else except “Captain” has shocked grimaces on their faces as the two glare at each other again while “Commander A.I.” slowly walks back to “Doctor”)

“Commander A.I.”: (Primly takes back the drink) Thank you.

“Doctor”: (As they leave) Maybe we should get some hot green tea for stress relief –

“Commander A.I.”: No hot tea!

“Captain”: (To self) Surrounded by unprofessionalism.  (Back to “Science Officer”) So: are we good now?

“Science Officer”: I suppose I can make some award-worthy lemonade out of this character-destroying lemon, yes.

“Captain”: That’s all I ask.  (To everyone on the bridge) All right, folks: guess we’re on lunch now.

(Everyone else cheers, leaps out of their seats, and runs off the set)

“Chief Engineer”: (Voice) Did I just hear “lunch”?!

“Captain”: Yes, you can leave the sound booth now; we’ll do a scene with you in-person this afternoon.

“Chief Engineer”: (Voice) You mean I have to get in costume and make-up?  I thought I was getting to skip all that today.

“Captain”: You had five lines in the booth; how long did you think it was going to take?!

“Chief Engineer”: All day.

“Captain”: Fair enough; go enjoy your break.

“Chief Engineer”: Oh, I will.  (Sounds of “Chief Engineer” throwing off headphones and running out of the booth)

(“Captain” leans back in the chair and closes eyes; “First Officer” re-enters the set)

“First Officer”: You coming along?

“Captain”: (Opens eyes) I have no appetite at the moment.

“First Officer”: We have at least another 10 hours to go after this.

“Captain”: Yep, well, I’ll do my usual and sneak snacks when I’m not on-screen.  I can’t face all of them in the cafeteria right now.

“First Officer”: Got it.

“Captain”: Thanks for helping me out earlier – you’d make a good real-life first officer.

“First Officer”: No problem, but now you owe me one.

“Captain”: Oh, right…. (“First Officer” stares significantly at “Captain”) Fine: I’ll put back in that scene where you perform your one-person Macbeth, even though I still think it really, really, really doesn’t fit… anywhere.

“First Officer”: Hey, it’s space – anything is possible.

Story 571: Just an Everyday Quest

             (In a deep, dark, dank dungeon, a Mage, a Fairy, and a Demigod burst through the door and onto the staircase that leads down, down, down)

Mage: (After all three pick up themselves and their fantastical accessories) Right: we have our Quest and we know what to do about it, yes?  (Fairy raises a hand)  Yes?

Fairy: (Lowers hand) I forget: are we on the side of the heir-to-the-throne who was usurped and wants to restore law and order and peace throughout the land, OR are we on the side of the usurping monarch who also wants to restore law and order and peace throughout the land, and is backed by the army and actually better liked by the people so the usurped heir pressing a claim will only lead to conflict, destruction, and death?

Mage: We’re… hm, just a moment – (Checks through scrolls in a satchel) The first one.

Demigod: So does being on either side make us the bad guys no matter what?

Mage: Listen, that’s all just backstory: we’re on a Quest for… (Checks through scrolls again) just a moment –

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice booms through the whole dungeon) Can we get this Quest going sometime today?  The Game’ll be on the… scrying bowl in two hours.

Mage: (Shoves the scrolls back into the satchel and grasps a magical staff authoritatively) Yes of course, Extreme Sorcerer, Ruler of Our Fates: the Quest shall commence at once!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Great.  Proceed down the stairs, then.  (The three reach the bottom of the staircase) Now, there is a door in front of you. 

(A door appears)

Fairy: Ah!  There it is.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) You may go through it.

Demigod: (To Mage) You first.

Mage: If you insist.  (Gingerly opens the door, then peeks both ways down a long corridor faintly lit by torches) Am I seeing anything?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) I don’t know, are you?

Mage: (Slightly testy) You’re supposed to tell me, oh Master of Dungeons.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Oh right.  Let’s see…. Nope: all clear.  Continue proceeding.

Mage: (Sarcastically) Many thanks.

(All three tentatively exit the room into the corridor)

Fairy: Right or left?

Demigod: Does it really matter?  We’ll eventually wind up in the center room anyway.

Mage: Well, if we want to speed-run this thing, we should go left.

(They go left a few paces and turn a corner)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Aha!  You have chosen a treacherous path, for now the Ravenous Beast approaches!

(The Ravenous Beast suddenly appears in the corridor in front of the trio, then growls and waves limbs threateningly their way)

Mage: Oh, fiddlesticks – is this the time to use my All-Encompassing Wind Charm, then?

Demigod: I wouldn’t blow that on our first opponent; you might need it in the final boss battle.

Fairy: I have just the thing.  (Waves a leafy branch at the Ravenous Beast, creating a force that blasts the latter into oblivion) Heh-heh, I have all the protection powers.

Mage: Yeah, leave some for the rest of us.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Curses!  You defeated my first warrior, but there are more, ready and waiting to defeat you!

Demigod: Well, yes, otherwise this is basically a treasure hunt in a maze.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Behold!  A door to a room appears!

(A door appears)

Mage: Good, let’s make some actual progress here.

(They enter a large, seemingly empty room)

Mage: Sooooo… anything here?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Hm?  Oh, yeah, just a second.

(An ancient wardrobe and a massive table with a spell book and candles suddenly appear)

Fairy: Ooh, neat.  Can I go read the book?

Mage: No time for that; we need to find treasure.  (Speaks to the ceiling) Is there any treasure here?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) What, do I have to do everything for you?

Mage: Since you control this world, yes!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Oh.  Then no.

Mage: Drat.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Oops, almost forgot.

(Two Fighting Skeletons appear)

Mage: Are you kidding me?!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Go ahead – do your worst!

(The battle is long and fierce, but eventually the three compatriots triumph after heavy losses)

Mage: I can’t believe we’ve barely started and my power’s almost gone!

Fairy: Mine’s not so great either – can I reset somewhere?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) No!  But you can check if there’s something special for you in here.

Fairy: Neat.  (Goes to the spell book and pulls out a glowing spell) Awesome!  Infinity Healing!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) WHAT?!  Wait a minute, that’s not a thing!

Fairy: Is too, see!  (Holds up the spell)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Hm.  Well, I’m sure there’s something to undermine that, don’t you worry.

Demigod: Anything else here, or can we just leave?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Yeah, you might as well go; that room’s dry now.

(The three exit the room and continue down the corridor in the same direction they were heading before, then turn another corner)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Behold!  Another door appears – (A door to a room appears) and also this guy.  (The Gibbering Goblin appears at the end of the corridor) The Gibbering Goblin, a most fearsome foe!

(The Gibbering Goblin gibbers a bit, then turns and runs around the corner there)

Demigod: Oh no you don’t!  (Raises a giant club and begins to take chase)

Mage: STOP!  (Demigod skids to a stop) WHAT.  ARE YOU.  DOING?!

Demigod: Going after the fearsome foe.

Mage: A foe who is clearly luring you away from the group so we’re divided and weakened!

Fairy: Yeah, even I can tell that’s the play here, and I’m not too quick on the uptake.

Demigod: Can’t just let `em get away though; we’ll have to deal with `em eventually anyway.

Mage: Yes, eventually!  Together!  You go alone now, you’ll get taken out in two seconds – (Through clenched teeth) now-you-get-back-here!

Demigod: (Slumps in disappointment, then moves to rejoin the group) Oh all right –

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Not so fast!  (Demigod freezes) It’s not your turn anymore.

Demigod: Oops.

Mage: (To Demigod, teeth still clenched) Well-when-it’s-your-turn-you-get-back-here!

Demigod: Aye-aye.

Fairy: (Now sitting on the floor and playing with the leafy branch) Is it my turn?

Mage: ….

Demigod: ….

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) I lost track – someone go.  (Demigod starts to move) Not you!

Demigod: Right.

Mage: This is going to be a looooong Quest….

TWO HOURS LATER

(In the center room of the dungeon, Mage, Fairy, and Demigod do battle against the Gibbering Goblin, the Vexing Vampire, and the Repugnant Reaper)

Mage: (Brandishes the magical staff) At last!  I deploy the All-Encompassing Wind Charm to strike the final blow!  (Deploys the All-Encompassing Wind Charm at the Repugnant Reaper)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Ooh, nice try, but counteracted by the Immovable Object Spell! 

(The Repugnant Reaper remains immovable in the midst of the all-encompassing wind)

Mage: Hey!  That was the best – and last – spell in my possession, and now it’s just –  (Blows a raspberry) counteracted?!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Such is life.  Speaking of which, there goes yours.

Mage: Oh.  (Is unceremoniously felled by the Repugnant Reaper)

Demigod and Fairy: NOOOOOO!!!!!

Demigod: (Falls to knees next to Mage’s body) How can this be?!  We’re all together like you said, and you were still taken out in two seconds!

Mage: (Mutters) Quit it.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice): You’re up next, Demigod!  Let’s see if you can succeed where your all-powerful Mage could not, BWAHAHAHAHAHA – !

Demigod: (Stands again) Yeesh, take it down a notch.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Sorry: got a little carried away there.

Demigod: (Turns to face off against the Gibbering Goblin) Attack!  (Smites the Gibbering Goblin a powerful blow with the giant club)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Huh.  That was actually effective.

(The Gibbering Goblin is obliterated)

Demigod: (Raises the giant club in victory) Yesssss!!!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) BUT AT WHAT COST?!

Demigod: (Lowers the giant club) Huh?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) That last attack drained all your remaining power, so you now have zero defenses, my friend!

Demigod: <Gulp!>

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) And now!  Can you defeat THE VEXING VAMPIRE?!

(Demigod and the Vexing Vampire mutually destroy each other)

Demigod: (Falls to the floor next to Mage) Dang it.

Mage: Want a pillow?

Demigod: I’m good, thanks.

Fairy: (Twirling the leafy branch lazily through the air) Is it my turn?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Yes.  You’re the only player left.

Fairy: Sweet.  (Points the leafy branch at the Repugnant Reaper and zaps the latter) Take that! 

(The Repugnant Reaper remains as-is)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Aha!  No effect!  And now, adventurer, time to MEET YOUR DOOM!

Mage: (Covers eyes) I can’t watch.

(The Repugnant Reaper slowly reaches out to Fairy)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Behold!  The Unavoidable Curse that is… THE FINALITY FINISHER!  AHAHAHAHAHA – !

Demigod: Seriously dude, you’re enjoying this way too much.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) SILENCE, FALLEN HERO!  Ahem.  THE FINALITY FINISHER! 

(The Repugnant Reaper channels that curse at Fairy)

Fairy: (Holds up the glowing spell as a shield) INFINITY HEALING!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Oh rats, I forgot you had that one.  BUT IT CAN ONLY BE USED ONCE, MWAHAHA – !

Fairy: Nah-uh, `cause it’s Infinity, I can use it forever!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Hang on.  (Sounds of pages turning) ...Hang on.  (Sounds of pages turning) Aha, yes!  You can’t use it when – oh wait, we’re not doing that storyline.  (Sounds of pages turning) …Hang on –

Fairy: (Bobbing up and down in excitement) So do I win?

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) …Hang on –

Mage: (Abruptly stands, followed by Demigod) Oi!  Did Fairy win or what?!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) (Sounds of pages spilling to the floor) No fair, no fair, you can’t win by just… not-dying!  You didn’t truly defeat your opponent in battle!

Fairy: Yes I did – by not-dying, my opponent finally gave up and I win!  (Points to the Repugnant Reaper, who has been shuffling off back into the corridor)

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) (To the Repugnant Reaper) You get back in there this instant!  (The Repugnant Reaper waves off Extreme Sorcerer and continues down the never-ending corridor) Unbelievable!  The most powerful players were destroyed, and the weakest one wins by doing practically nothing?!

Fairy: Such is life!  (Suddenly serious) I want my treasure now.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Ugh, fine: here.  (A giant ruby appears in the middle of the room) All yours.

Fairy: (Takes the ruby reverently as Mage and Demigod look on in awe) Wow.  (Turns to the other two while shoving the ruby into a satchel) I accept this treasure on your behalf: it rightly belongs to all of us.  But I’m keeping it.

Mage: By all means.  Well-fought, young adventurer; well-fought.

Demigod: Aye.  You did us proud and made our embarrassing defeat worth it in the end.

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) (Disgusted) Whenever your mutual-admiration fest is over, make sure you clean up this dungeon on your way out – I want it spotless before the next Quest, because I am not dealing with a repeat of today’s disaster, understood?

Mage, Demigod, and Fairy: (Directed to the ceiling) Oh yes, Extreme Sorcerer!

Extreme Sorcerer: (Voice) Good.  Now, don’t bother me for the rest of the night.  (Footsteps recede and a distant door shuts as Extreme Sorcerer travels to the scrying bowl to witness The Game)

Mage: (To Fairy and Demigod in the now-empty dungeon) I think this all this effort calls for pizza, don’t you?

Fairy and Demigod: Huzzah!

Story 528: Maladaptive Daydreaming Can Be a Real Drag

“Hey, where are you?”

“Umm, right here?”

“No, I mean where’s your head gone off to?  You’ve got that faraway look in your eyes that means while your physical body is present, your consciousness has taken a trip to the moon or an island resort or somewhere else the rest of us want to go, too.”

“Oh, right.  Sorry – it was getting hot with the air conditioning broken here again so I was thinking about playing in the snow like when I was a kid, and now I’m freezing.  You got an extra sweater handy?”

“We’re all wearing short sleeves because of the broken air conditioning.”

“Right, right.  Never mind: I should be melting again in a few minutes, then.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“Hey there, you finish that report yet?”

“Hm?  Oh, right, that needs to be sent in today, doesn’t it.”

“…Yes, we’ve talked about it several times this week and once this morning…. Oh, I see you’re working on it now, that’s great!  How’s it coming along?”

“It’s… coming along….”

“So, what, you think another page or two left, another hour or two to go?”

“Maybe.  Or it might need, you know, another day.”

“Another day?!  Where’s your mind at?!”

“I’ve been wondering that myself lately – it seems to be taking a lot trips to the beach recently, and we wind up staying there for hours.”

“Ah.  Well, can’t say I blame it.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *  

“Did you set the security alarm before we left the house today?”

“Hm?  I think so, why?”

“Because it’s not beeping as we’re invading our own home.”

“Oh.  I must have drifted off on our way out and thought I’d done it.  Sorry.”

“Drifted off to what?!”

“To what’s going to happen next on Sword Slash when the season premier airs tonight.  They left last season on a cliffhanger and we’ve had to wait more than a year before it finally came back.”

“….”

“Not a fan?”

“We could’ve been burglarized!”

“Eh, no harm done.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“So, it’s looking like they might have to pull all the teeth out…. Are you listening to me?!”

“Hm?  Oh, yeah, teeth – disgusting.”

“I don’t think you are.  Your mind keeps going off places and you’re missing everything that’s going on around you!”

“Sorry; it’s just that I’ve been replaying this scene in my head where my characters finally triumph over the evil they’ve been battling for decades, and I’m trying to iron out the details.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were a writer.”

“…I’m not.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“Excuse me.”

“Hm?  Oh, sorry, I’m being a bit rude, I know – it’s just that my mind tends to wander very, very, very often, and I find myself immersed in all sorts of daydreams that it’s hard to snap myself out of them.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, it can be a bit disruptive sometimes – I don’t always get my work done ‘in a timely manner’ or I miss important information that I’ll need later or I completely breeze through a chore that I’ll have to redo because I didn’t do it thoroughly enough or I find out that an event I went to was a blast but I’ll never know because I’d completely tuned out during the whole thing – but honestly, life can be so tedious and painful and pointless at times that escaping from the futility of it all into a comforting world of our own making truly can be a matter of survival in a sense, don’t you think?”

“I suppose when you put it that way, it can be occasionally, yeah.”

“Thank you!  It’s such a relief to finally meet someone who actually understands!”

“Sure.... You can hand over your wallet now.”

“Oh right, we’re in the middle of a robbery – checked out for a few minutes there.”

Story 413: How to Get Out of a Horror Movie Alive, Part 1

 Scenario 1: Trapped in an excessively huge mansion by a vengeful killer ghost, and circumstances

(In the ostentatious drawing room, Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 are seated in huge armchairs reading wordy tomes when the killer ghost flies in, knocking knick-knacks off the many, many shelves and making all sorts of ruckus)

Spouse 1: (Barely looking up from the book) I say, Nanny?

Nanny: (Pops head in through the doorway) Yeah?

Spouse 1: I know it wasn’t in the job description, but would you mind solving the mystery of why this dratted specter haunts our family generation after generation and now also has a disturbing connection with our off-putting child?  We’ve endured it gracefully for centuries, but the constant property destruction and the occasional throat-slashing tend to wear on one.

Spouse 2: Quite.  (Blinks as a vase crashes on their head)

Nanny: (Nods) Uh-huh, I could do that, ORRRRRR.... (Tosses the off-putting child into the room) I could quit and drive right on outta here.

Spouse 1: But this is your first day.

Nanny: (Ducks as flames shoot overhead) That it is, and I’ve seen enough, byeeeee!!!!  (Slams the door, then opens it again to pop head back in through the doorway) By the way, I’ve called Child Protective Services on you lot.  (Slams the door again and speeds off with squealing tires and plowing through decorative hedges)

(Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 stare at each other as the off-putting child and the killer ghost begin to merge souls, and the mansion’s very foundations quake)

Spouse 2: My word.

Scenario 2: An unstoppable, possibly non-human serial killer is working through a group of young adults at a campsite

(The four bedraggled remaining campers have gathered in a circle next to a small cliff for cover)

Remaining Camper 1: Right everyone, so we’ve tried knives, we’ve tried axes, we’ve tried javelins, flamethrowers, boulders, canoe paddles, a soccer ball, fishing tackle, some kid’s left-behind tricycle, glue, and even that one disturbingly smuggled-in gun that we need to have a conversation about later, and this dude still is on the move.  All phone signals and lines are out so no one is coming to save us, and our friend managed to slash all our cars’ tires and drain all the gas tanks while we weren’t looking.  I am officially out of ideas and supplies, and now open to any suggestion no matter how ludicrous.  (Remaining Camper 2 raises a hand) Yes, thank you, what?

Remaining Camper 2: We could just walk out of here.

Remaining Camper 1: We – what?

Remaining Camper 2: Town’s not too far away; we just follow the main drive back to the highway.  I doubt we’d even have to go through the woods to get there.  Dude can have the place all to himself then, which is what I think this is really all about, deep down.

Remaining Camper 1: But – but – we’d never make it!  We’d get picked off one-by-one, either by this weirdo or by some ravenous bear, right before we’ve achieved victory!

Remaining Camper 2: I doubt it: we’d be in a group and the dude always waits until we’re alone before going after somebody, and if we make enough noise the bear won’t want to be bothered.

Remaining Camper 1: Oh.  I guess.

Remaining Camper 3: Don’t run, either – it’ll seem like we’re panicking.

Remaining Camper 4: But don’t walk too slowly, either – it’ll seem like we’re overconfident and deserve everything we get.

Remaining Camper 1: All right!  Let’s just go before this starts feeling like a bad idea.

(The Remaining Campers walk out of the camp and reach the nearby town safely)

Serial Killer: (Bursts into the clearing 10 minutes after they left) Got ya! – oh, they just walked out of here didn’t they.

 Scenario 3: Worldwide zombie uprising

(In a house where a couple of survivors are holed up)

Survivor 1: I have an idea: remember back in the `60s when people were building those fallout shelters in case the Cold War turned hot-hot-hot?

Survivor 2: Yes, and we all hypocritically laugh at their paranoia – why bring it up, aren’t they all filled in by now?

Survivor 1: Not the one my grandparents built: we figured something’d drive us in there eventually; who’d’ve thought it’d be zombies?

(Survivor 1 and Survivor 2 sneak off to the fallout shelter and seal themselves in while the zombies are occupied with other fodder)

Survivor 1: (Surveys the well-stocked underground house) Whelp, this should keep us for five years.

Survivor 2: And what if whatever disaster this was planned for lasted longer than five years?

Survivor 1: ….

 FIVE YEARS LATER

 Survivor 1: Whelp, by now the afflicted creatures should’ve run out of human brains to sustain them and their misery has permanently ended as they slowly starved to second death – I’m going up top to have a peek.

Survivor 2: And what if they can be sustained with other animals’ brains?

Survivor 1: ....

(Survivor 1 opens the hatch and emerges from the shelter to see a world devastated by floods, fires, eradicated flora and fauna, and the Sun blocked by permanent clouds.  Survivor 1 then sees a lone figure appear ominously nearby)

Zombie: (Points at Survivor 1) Braaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiii –

(Survivor 1 zaps the zombie with a stun gun, jumps back into the shelter, reseals the hatch, and turns to Survivor 2)

Survivor 1: So, wanna watch a movie?

Story 271: The Tragedy of the Cut Scene

            (In an office, the Editor sits behind a desk as the phone buzzes)

            Editor: (Presses button) Yes?

           Receptionist: (Voiceover) They’re here – should I send them in or tell them you’ve been fired?

            Editor: The former, unfortunately.

            (The Author, Agent, and Ragtag Crew enter; the first two sit on chairs in front of the desk and the others sit all over the floor and remaining furniture)

            Editor: (After everyone has settled in) Do sit down.

          Author: All right, I know this won’t be a pleasure meeting since you insisted I bring all of them here.  (Gestures to the Ragtag Crew)

            Ragtag Crew: Yo!

            Editor: Yes, well, the team here at the publishing house has been reviewing your manuscript, and –

           Author: If you want your advance back you can forget it; this one made sure of that.  (Gestures to the Agent)

            Agent: Oh yeah, sweet moolah.

          Editor: No, we love your work, we really do – there’s just one stumbling block we keep running into every time we read it.

            Author: What, the typos?

            Editor: Since you brought it up, you really should have taken care of those before submission, you know.

            Author: Part of my charm.

          Editor: It really isn’t.  However, the stumbling block to which I’m referring is Chapter… (Flips through a proof) 109.  Specifically, the second half – the first half is pure genius.

          Author: Why, thank you.  (Takes the proof and skims the top page) Oh, you mean the flashback scene?

            Editor: (Holds back a grimace) Yes.  That.

            Author: I don’t get it; what’s wrong with it?

           Editor: How can I put this nicely: it absolutely kills the book.  (The Author’s mouth drops open and the Ragtag Crew hisses in union) Every time I get to that part, I want to chuck the whole thing out the window and into an incinerator.  And then perform an exorcism over the ashes, just to be sure.

            Author: (Unseeingly flips through the pages) But – but – but how can you say that?!  This is some of my best work, condensed into 99 pages of sheer bliss!

            Editor: (Leans over the desk to stare intently into the Author’s eyes) It has nothing to do with the rest of the plot.  You could literally slice that entire half-chapter out with a straight edge razor and no one would notice the difference.

            Author: (Disbelievingly) Oh really?

            Editor: Fine, maybe somebody would notice.  How about this: I got an actual migraine trying to figure out whose POV it was being told from, until after five reads I realized it was yours!

            Author: Yeah, isn’t that great?

            Editor: No it is not great; it is unreadable!  (Author, Agent, and Ragtag Crew gasp)

            Ragtag Crew Member: Blasphemy!

            Author: There is no other choice: the scene has to be cut.

            Author: (Stands and slams the 2,000+ page proof onto the table) Unacceptable!  My child will not be mutilated!

            Editor: It’s not even a full chapter.

            Author: Mutilated!

           Editor: We had a feeling you would react that way, so we created a list of ameliorations.  (Picks up a list from the desk and looks it over) Since there are elements of the scene that could be effective elsewhere, here are our proposals: (Points to one of the Ragtag Crew) Reveal of the Unknown Father should be relocated to the middle of Chapter 2 and then subdivided there and throughout Chapters 17-20 and then 99-105 –

            Author: Ugh!

          Editor: (Points to another of the Ragtag Crew) Dream Sequence should be real and should move to the Prologue –

            Author: The Prologue is sublimely perfect the way it is now!

           Editor: (Points to another of the Ragtag Crew) Surprise Unfaithful Lover should be Best Friend instead; figure out a way to incorporate the former’s personality into the latter’s –

            Author: (Metaphorically foams at the month and whispers) Monster.

           Editor: (Points to another of the Ragtag Crew) Oh, and Sudden Reversal also should subdivide so it can happen twice, once in Chapter 88 and another in Chapter 223.

            Author: (Points at that member of the Ragtag Crew as they stand) You will do no such thing!  (Ragtag Crew sits down again; to the Editor) You realize all that would entail months – no, years – of rewrites?!  I’d have to restructure the entire plot to accommodate this – this – cannibalization!

            (Ragtag Crew and the Agent shudder)

            Editor: We prefer the term “repurpose.”  And to answer your question: yes I do and yes it would.

            Author: Aha!

            Editor: Or you could just cut the scene.

            Author: (Stares coldly at the Editor) You foul fiend.  This was your diabolical plan all along, wasn’t it?!

            Editor: Why yes, I believe I made that quite clear several minutes ago.

            Author: (Collects injured dignity and motions for the Agent and Ragtag Crew to stand) Very well, then: you may have won the battle, but I will not rest until I find a way to make my darlings live on in another book, someday, somehow!

            Editor: (Begins writing a letter) That’s fine, do whatever you want, just get them out of this one.

            Author: Hmf!  (Turns to leave with the others; the Ragtag Crew console each other and sob)

            Editor: (Looks up) Oh, and while you’re at it, you might want to consider cutting this one, too – (Gestures to the Agent) absolute deadwood.

            Author: For once, we agree.

            Agent: Hey!

            Author: Have you contributed anything of substance to this scene?

            Agent: ….

            Author: I didn’t think so.