Story 528: Maladaptive Daydreaming Can Be a Real Drag

“Hey, where are you?”

“Umm, right here?”

“No, I mean where’s your head gone off to?  You’ve got that faraway look in your eyes that means while your physical body is present, your consciousness has taken a trip to the moon or an island resort or somewhere else the rest of us want to go, too.”

“Oh, right.  Sorry – it was getting hot with the air conditioning broken here again so I was thinking about playing in the snow like when I was a kid, and now I’m freezing.  You got an extra sweater handy?”

“We’re all wearing short sleeves because of the broken air conditioning.”

“Right, right.  Never mind: I should be melting again in a few minutes, then.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“Hey there, you finish that report yet?”

“Hm?  Oh, right, that needs to be sent in today, doesn’t it.”

“…Yes, we’ve talked about it several times this week and once this morning…. Oh, I see you’re working on it now, that’s great!  How’s it coming along?”

“It’s… coming along….”

“So, what, you think another page or two left, another hour or two to go?”

“Maybe.  Or it might need, you know, another day.”

“Another day?!  Where’s your mind at?!”

“I’ve been wondering that myself lately – it seems to be taking a lot trips to the beach recently, and we wind up staying there for hours.”

“Ah.  Well, can’t say I blame it.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *  

“Did you set the security alarm before we left the house today?”

“Hm?  I think so, why?”

“Because it’s not beeping as we’re invading our own home.”

“Oh.  I must have drifted off on our way out and thought I’d done it.  Sorry.”

“Drifted off to what?!”

“To what’s going to happen next on Sword Slash when the season premier airs tonight.  They left last season on a cliffhanger and we’ve had to wait more than a year before it finally came back.”

“….”

“Not a fan?”

“We could’ve been burglarized!”

“Eh, no harm done.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“So, it’s looking like they might have to pull all the teeth out…. Are you listening to me?!”

“Hm?  Oh, yeah, teeth – disgusting.”

“I don’t think you are.  Your mind keeps going off places and you’re missing everything that’s going on around you!”

“Sorry; it’s just that I’ve been replaying this scene in my head where my characters finally triumph over the evil they’ve been battling for decades, and I’m trying to iron out the details.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were a writer.”

“…I’m not.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“Excuse me.”

“Hm?  Oh, sorry, I’m being a bit rude, I know – it’s just that my mind tends to wander very, very, very often, and I find myself immersed in all sorts of daydreams that it’s hard to snap myself out of them.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, it can be a bit disruptive sometimes – I don’t always get my work done ‘in a timely manner’ or I miss important information that I’ll need later or I completely breeze through a chore that I’ll have to redo because I didn’t do it thoroughly enough or I find out that an event I went to was a blast but I’ll never know because I’d completely tuned out during the whole thing – but honestly, life can be so tedious and painful and pointless at times that escaping from the futility of it all into a comforting world of our own making truly can be a matter of survival in a sense, don’t you think?”

“I suppose when you put it that way, it can be occasionally, yeah.”

“Thank you!  It’s such a relief to finally meet someone who actually understands!”

“Sure.... You can hand over your wallet now.”

“Oh right, we’re in the middle of a robbery – checked out for a few minutes there.”

Story 413: How to Get Out of a Horror Movie Alive, Part 1

 Scenario 1: Trapped in an excessively huge mansion by a vengeful killer ghost, and circumstances

(In the ostentatious drawing room, Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 are seated in huge armchairs reading wordy tomes when the killer ghost flies in, knocking knick-knacks off the many, many shelves and making all sorts of ruckus)

Spouse 1: (Barely looking up from the book) I say, Nanny?

Nanny: (Pops head in through the doorway) Yeah?

Spouse 1: I know it wasn’t in the job description, but would you mind solving the mystery of why this dratted specter haunts our family generation after generation and now also has a disturbing connection with our off-putting child?  We’ve endured it gracefully for centuries, but the constant property destruction and the occasional throat-slashing tend to wear on one.

Spouse 2: Quite.  (Blinks as a vase crashes on their head)

Nanny: (Nods) Uh-huh, I could do that, ORRRRRR.... (Tosses the off-putting child into the room) I could quit and drive right on outta here.

Spouse 1: But this is your first day.

Nanny: (Ducks as flames shoot overhead) That it is, and I’ve seen enough, byeeeee!!!!  (Slams the door, then opens it again to pop head back in through the doorway) By the way, I’ve called Child Protective Services on you lot.  (Slams the door again and speeds off with squealing tires and plowing through decorative hedges)

(Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 stare at each other as the off-putting child and the killer ghost begin to merge souls, and the mansion’s very foundations quake)

Spouse 2: My word.

Scenario 2: An unstoppable, possibly non-human serial killer is working through a group of young adults at a campsite

(The four bedraggled remaining campers have gathered in a circle next to a small cliff for cover)

Remaining Camper 1: Right everyone, so we’ve tried knives, we’ve tried axes, we’ve tried javelins, flamethrowers, boulders, canoe paddles, a soccer ball, fishing tackle, some kid’s left-behind tricycle, glue, and even that one disturbingly smuggled-in gun that we need to have a conversation about later, and this dude still is on the move.  All phone signals and lines are out so no one is coming to save us, and our friend managed to slash all our cars’ tires and drain all the gas tanks while we weren’t looking.  I am officially out of ideas and supplies, and now open to any suggestion no matter how ludicrous.  (Remaining Camper 2 raises a hand) Yes, thank you, what?

Remaining Camper 2: We could just walk out of here.

Remaining Camper 1: We – what?

Remaining Camper 2: Town’s not too far away; we just follow the main drive back to the highway.  I doubt we’d even have to go through the woods to get there.  Dude can have the place all to himself then, which is what I think this is really all about, deep down.

Remaining Camper 1: But – but – we’d never make it!  We’d get picked off one-by-one, either by this weirdo or by some ravenous bear, right before we’ve achieved victory!

Remaining Camper 2: I doubt it: we’d be in a group and the dude always waits until we’re alone before going after somebody, and if we make enough noise the bear won’t want to be bothered.

Remaining Camper 1: Oh.  I guess.

Remaining Camper 3: Don’t run, either – it’ll seem like we’re panicking.

Remaining Camper 4: But don’t walk too slowly, either – it’ll seem like we’re overconfident and deserve everything we get.

Remaining Camper 1: All right!  Let’s just go before this starts feeling like a bad idea.

(The Remaining Campers walk out of the camp and reach the nearby town safely)

Serial Killer: (Bursts into the clearing 10 minutes after they left) Got ya! – oh, they just walked out of here didn’t they.

 Scenario 3: Worldwide zombie uprising

(In a house where a couple of survivors are holed up)

Survivor 1: I have an idea: remember back in the `60s when people were building those fallout shelters in case the Cold War turned hot-hot-hot?

Survivor 2: Yes, and we all hypocritically laugh at their paranoia – why bring it up, aren’t they all filled in by now?

Survivor 1: Not the one my grandparents built: we figured something’d drive us in there eventually; who’d’ve thought it’d be zombies?

(Survivor 1 and Survivor 2 sneak off to the fallout shelter and seal themselves in while the zombies are occupied with other fodder)

Survivor 1: (Surveys the well-stocked underground house) Whelp, this should keep us for five years.

Survivor 2: And what if whatever disaster this was planned for lasted longer than five years?

Survivor 1: ….

 FIVE YEARS LATER

 Survivor 1: Whelp, by now the afflicted creatures should’ve run out of human brains to sustain them and their misery has permanently ended as they slowly starved to second death – I’m going up top to have a peek.

Survivor 2: And what if they can be sustained with other animals’ brains?

Survivor 1: ....

(Survivor 1 opens the hatch and emerges from the shelter to see a world devastated by floods, fires, eradicated flora and fauna, and the Sun blocked by permanent clouds.  Survivor 1 then sees a lone figure appear ominously nearby)

Zombie: (Points at Survivor 1) Braaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiii –

(Survivor 1 zaps the zombie with a stun gun, jumps back into the shelter, reseals the hatch, and turns to Survivor 2)

Survivor 1: So, wanna watch a movie?

Story 271: The Tragedy of the Cut Scene

            (In an office, the Editor sits behind a desk as the phone buzzes)

            Editor: (Presses button) Yes?

           Receptionist: (Voiceover) They’re here – should I send them in or tell them you’ve been fired?

            Editor: The former, unfortunately.

            (The Author, Agent, and Ragtag Crew enter; the first two sit on chairs in front of the desk and the others sit all over the floor and remaining furniture)

            Editor: (After everyone has settled in) Do sit down.

          Author: All right, I know this won’t be a pleasure meeting since you insisted I bring all of them here.  (Gestures to the Ragtag Crew)

            Ragtag Crew: Yo!

            Editor: Yes, well, the team here at the publishing house has been reviewing your manuscript, and –

           Author: If you want your advance back you can forget it; this one made sure of that.  (Gestures to the Agent)

            Agent: Oh yeah, sweet moolah.

          Editor: No, we love your work, we really do – there’s just one stumbling block we keep running into every time we read it.

            Author: What, the typos?

            Editor: Since you brought it up, you really should have taken care of those before submission, you know.

            Author: Part of my charm.

          Editor: It really isn’t.  However, the stumbling block to which I’m referring is Chapter… (Flips through a proof) 109.  Specifically, the second half – the first half is pure genius.

          Author: Why, thank you.  (Takes the proof and skims the top page) Oh, you mean the flashback scene?

            Editor: (Holds back a grimace) Yes.  That.

            Author: I don’t get it; what’s wrong with it?

           Editor: How can I put this nicely: it absolutely kills the book.  (The Author’s mouth drops open and the Ragtag Crew hisses in union) Every time I get to that part, I want to chuck the whole thing out the window and into an incinerator.  And then perform an exorcism over the ashes, just to be sure.

            Author: (Unseeingly flips through the pages) But – but – but how can you say that?!  This is some of my best work, condensed into 99 pages of sheer bliss!

            Editor: (Leans over the desk to stare intently into the Author’s eyes) It has nothing to do with the rest of the plot.  You could literally slice that entire half-chapter out with a straight edge razor and no one would notice the difference.

            Author: (Disbelievingly) Oh really?

            Editor: Fine, maybe somebody would notice.  How about this: I got an actual migraine trying to figure out whose POV it was being told from, until after five reads I realized it was yours!

            Author: Yeah, isn’t that great?

            Editor: No it is not great; it is unreadable!  (Author, Agent, and Ragtag Crew gasp)

            Ragtag Crew Member: Blasphemy!

            Author: There is no other choice: the scene has to be cut.

            Author: (Stands and slams the 2,000+ page proof onto the table) Unacceptable!  My child will not be mutilated!

            Editor: It’s not even a full chapter.

            Author: Mutilated!

           Editor: We had a feeling you would react that way, so we created a list of ameliorations.  (Picks up a list from the desk and looks it over) Since there are elements of the scene that could be effective elsewhere, here are our proposals: (Points to one of the Ragtag Crew) Reveal of the Unknown Father should be relocated to the middle of Chapter 2 and then subdivided there and throughout Chapters 17-20 and then 99-105 –

            Author: Ugh!

          Editor: (Points to another of the Ragtag Crew) Dream Sequence should be real and should move to the Prologue –

            Author: The Prologue is sublimely perfect the way it is now!

           Editor: (Points to another of the Ragtag Crew) Surprise Unfaithful Lover should be Best Friend instead; figure out a way to incorporate the former’s personality into the latter’s –

            Author: (Metaphorically foams at the month and whispers) Monster.

           Editor: (Points to another of the Ragtag Crew) Oh, and Sudden Reversal also should subdivide so it can happen twice, once in Chapter 88 and another in Chapter 223.

            Author: (Points at that member of the Ragtag Crew as they stand) You will do no such thing!  (Ragtag Crew sits down again; to the Editor) You realize all that would entail months – no, years – of rewrites?!  I’d have to restructure the entire plot to accommodate this – this – cannibalization!

            (Ragtag Crew and the Agent shudder)

            Editor: We prefer the term “repurpose.”  And to answer your question: yes I do and yes it would.

            Author: Aha!

            Editor: Or you could just cut the scene.

            Author: (Stares coldly at the Editor) You foul fiend.  This was your diabolical plan all along, wasn’t it?!

            Editor: Why yes, I believe I made that quite clear several minutes ago.

            Author: (Collects injured dignity and motions for the Agent and Ragtag Crew to stand) Very well, then: you may have won the battle, but I will not rest until I find a way to make my darlings live on in another book, someday, somehow!

            Editor: (Begins writing a letter) That’s fine, do whatever you want, just get them out of this one.

            Author: Hmf!  (Turns to leave with the others; the Ragtag Crew console each other and sob)

            Editor: (Looks up) Oh, and while you’re at it, you might want to consider cutting this one, too – (Gestures to the Agent) absolute deadwood.

            Author: For once, we agree.

            Agent: Hey!

            Author: Have you contributed anything of substance to this scene?

            Agent: ….

            Author: I didn’t think so.

Story 249: Trapped in the Movie Adaptation

            PRE-SCENE 1

(Characters gather in a null space)

            Lead Character: Hello everyone, I know you’re all as excited as I am to get this movie going–

            Undercover Villain: Woo-hoo!  I can’t wait for my shocking reveal, it is so epic!

           Lead Character: Yes.  Before we begin, I wanted to let you all know that we’re being joined today by Fan, who’ll be along for the ride in every scene.

            Fan: Hi, guys!

            Obligatory Love Interest: Wow, we already have a Fan?

            Fan: Oh yes, I just loved the book, it’s one of my favorites.

            (Characters stare at Fan)

            Lead Character: You do know that a lot of things from the book got… altered in the movie adaptation, right?

            Fan: Totally!  I figured a bunch of events’ll get streamlined, some characters’ll get combined, not much of the original dialogue will remain intact, the usual shenanigans – I’m completely on board!

            Lead Character: We’ll see about that.  All right everyone, places!  And… action!

            Fan: Ooh, I just got a chill.

            SCENE 5

FADE IN:

EXT. A BANK – EARLY AFTERNOON

     CUT TO:

     INT. CAR

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN and SIDEKICK sit in the driver’s and passenger’s seats, respectively.  UNDERCOVER VILLAIN is tugging on a uniform collar.

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

I wish I didn’t have to wear this in 100° weather.

                       

SIDEKICK

Yeah, tell me again why we’re –

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

Ssh, here they come!

     They watch shady figures entering the bank.

                             SIDEKICK

Same time every day.  You think they want to get caught?  Or, are they really setting a trap, and it’s for us?!

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

That’s what we’re here to find out.

(Fan pops up from the backseat)

Fan: Hi, just a quick question: I know this part was added to tie in with the whole counterfeiting ring/stolen cars/casino robberies showdown at the end, but I was wondering why you two right now are dressed as police officers and ambiguously watching this random bank, when in the book we were straight-up told that you were the villain on Page 8 and this guy here didn’t even exist?

Undercover Villain: Keeps the audience on their toes.  Plus I needed someone to explain my villainous schemes to.

Fan: Yeah, but why?  There are already three other mysteries going on at this very moment; we really don’t need another.

Undercover Villain: Everyone loves an epic shocking reveal.

Fan: Yeah, but even without having read the book, everything you say and do makes it quite clear that you’re a villain.

Undercover Villain: (Lifts an eyebrow while staring in the rearview mirror at Fan) Am I?

MUSIC. [DUN-DUN-DUUUUN!]

Sidekick: Yes.

Undercover Villain: Well, it’s not always that clear.

Fan: Yeah, but –

Undercover Villain: Love to chat – gotta drive!

CUT TO:

High-speed chase out of the parking lot; both cars involved immediately stall in the never-ending traffic.

Fan: (Looks at Undercover Villain and Sidekick, who are both fuming) Would you like me to run up ahead and pepper spray them for you?

SCENE 27.

FADE IN:

INT. A NEARLY EMPTY DANCE STUDIO - EVENING

                        LEAD CHARACTER

You will dance again; you just have to believe in yourself, like I do with my entire soul.

                  

OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

I-I-I can’t!  The Dance has left me!

Gracefully swoons to the group to weep.  LEAD CHARACTER leans down to bring OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST standing up again.

                             LEAD CHARACTER

          Here.  Let me remind you of how talented you are.

     They waltz around the studio.

                   OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

I think my life has found its meaning again, and it never would have if it weren’t for you!

            (In the mirror they see Fan’s horrified face staring back at them; they stop dancing)

            Lead Character: What, did I miss my mark?

            Fan: Um, I really don’t know where to begin….

            Obligatory Love Interest: I didn’t show enough adoration and cleavage, is that it?

            Fan: I think that’s as good a place to start as any: since when have you been a dancer?  Ever?

            Obligatory Love Interest: Since… forever?

            Fan: You’re supposed to be a neurosurgeon!

            Obligatory Love Interest: No need to be elitist.

            Fan: I agree, but you also should agree that there’s quite a difference between the two professions when it comes to your impact on the plot!  Now how are you supposed to make the Family Patriarch walk again?!

            Obligatory Love Interest: The who?

            Fan: The driving force behind the whole art forgery storyline!

            Lead Character: Yeah, that was scrapped.

            Fan: What?!  That was almost a third of the entire book!

            Lead Character: It just didn’t fit in the narrative flow.

            Fan: And schmaltzing around here does?!

            Lead Character: It’s part of my redemption arc.

            Fan: Ha!  You were a secondary character at best; no one cared about you, but your role got puffed up anyway!

            Lead Character: Listen, insults aside, we really need to finish this scene.

            Fan: Oh, by all means, continue with your butchery!

OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST stares deep into LEAD CHARACTER’S eyes.

                        OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

     Now, save my soul!

                       

LEAD CHARACTER

     Just as you saved mine.

(As they half-heartedly kiss, they are distracted by the gagging noises coming from Fan)

SCENE 103.

CUT TO:

EXT. A CORNFIELD – NIGHT

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND

     I saw them run through there!

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

     Great!  Let’s get after them!

The two draw their guns and run.

Fan: Where are we going?

Lead Character’s Best Friend: After them!

Fan: No, I mean plot-wise: where are we going?!  And shouldn’t you be dead by now?

GUNFIRE is heard nearby.

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND

     Aha!  We have them surrounded!

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN turns to point gun on LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND.

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

Actually, it is you who are the one who is surrounded.  Mwahaha.

LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND turns to point gun on UNDERCOVER VILLAIN.

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND

     This can’t be!  You were always so trustworthy!

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

     All the more reason not to have trusted me!

SIDEKICK runs in from stage left.

                        SIDEKICK

     Boss, the shipment’s moving out, we’ve gotta go!

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

                    (To LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND)

     Until we inevitably meet again!

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN runs away with SIDEKICK, both of them trying to cackle evilly.

                        LEAD CHARACTER’S BEST FRIEND

Curses!  How could I have been duped by so obvious an undercover villain?!

     Fan: And you’re still alive – see, that would’ve been the perfect moment for them to have dispatched you and get something in this mess right.

            Lead Character’s Best Friend: But I’m a fan favorite!

            Fan: News to me.

SCENE 177.

FADE IN:

INT. A CORPORATE OFFICE – MORNING

All the important characters have gathered around the board room table.

                        LEAD CHARACTER

Well folks, we foiled all the villains, rescued all the orphans, and ensured that I found my one true love.

                   OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

And I found The Dance again!

     Fan: Who actually watches you?  I’m being serious: not once have I seen you perform in public or even teach anybody.

                                                                        LEAD CHARACTER

So, all in all, I think it’s safe to say our adventures have had a satisfactory conclusion for all concerned.

     Fan: Oh thank –

UNDERCOVER VILLAIN bursts through the door, wearing prison stripes and a ball and chain on one leg.

                        UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

     NOT.  SO.  FAST.

Fan: What the – ?

                                                UNDERCOVER VILLAIN (Continued)

With great pains I have defeated the maximum-security prison, the local law enforcement, and the entire judicial system to get here, and now I shall defeat YOU!

                   LEAD CHARACTER

Not so fast yourself, oh foe of mine: haven’t you forgotten YOUR SECRET CHILD?

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

My what?!

Fan: Your what?!

LEAD CHARACTER wheels a carriage from behind a podium and picks up a BABY from it.

                        LEAD CHARACTER

Gaze upon your spawn: how you can you continue your villainous ways when you have this adorable coochie-coo face staring judgmentally at you?

     UNDERCOVER VILLAIN reaches out to pick up the BABY.

                             UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

Oh sweet child of mine!  That settles it: the mere existence of my offspring makes me realize that I must never do evil ever, ever again!

                        LEAD CHARACTER

Splendid – just sign over all your shares in the company to me and we’ll forget the whole thing ever happened.

                   UNDERCOVER VILLAIN

Right-ho!

                   OBLIGATORY LOVE INTEREST

Now that’s what I call a happy ending!

     Fan: I have absolutely no idea what just happened.