Story 589: Conference Encounter, Part 1

            (At a professional conference, attendees are eating buffet breakfast at round tables in another room at the venue before the day’s sessions begin)

Attendee 1: (Sitting across from Attendee 2 at an otherwise-unoccupied table, with an untouched bowl of cereal) I’m not gonna to lodge a complaint or anything – maybe mention it if they send a survey – but when you go to take a shower, and see one of the hotel’s freshly laundered washcloths already has a mystery stain on it… just makes you question everything.

Attendee 2: (Stares thoughtfully at Attendee 1 for a few moments) You know, I really wish you hadn’t told me that right before I was about to eat this bagel.  (Drops a buttered bagel back onto the plate)

Attendee 1: (Looks down at the bagel, then back at Attendee 2) Sorry.

(Attendee 3, carrying an overnight bag, starts to pass by the table but suddenly stops on seeing the other two)

Attendee 3: OH – MY – GOODNESS!!!  (Startled, Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 look up at Attendee 3) It’s the Corporate Crew, I can’t believe it!  (Swoops in and embraces Attendee 2)

Attendee 2: Hiiiiiii...? (Over Attendee 3’s back, desperately mouths “Who is this?!” to Attendee 1, who shrugs with a baffled look)

Attendee 3: (Pulls away from Attendee 2 and turns to embrace Attendee 1) It’s been what, three years now?  Four?

Attendee 1: (In mid-embrace, darts a panicked look at Attendee 2, who grimaces in defeat) Heh-heh-heh?

Attendee 3: (Pulls back, beaming broadly at both) This is so great.  I love seeing people I used to work with at these events, don’t you?

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: Yeah….

Attendee 3: Well, I just got here this morning, so I’m gonna go grab some breakfast – mind if I sit with you guys?

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: Sure….

Attendee 3: Great!  (Drops the overnight bag onto the floor next to the table) Please watch my stuff for a minute – I’ll be right back, and then we can catch up!  Oh, you two want anything?  (They both shake their heads) All righty – bye!  (Practically skips to the buffet table)

Attendee 1: (Whispers as both lean toward each other) I think we should go to the conference room and get seats, now!

Attendee 2: (Also whispers) Don’t be rude!  Besides, we’ll all be in the same room for the next eight hours – how’d we ever avoid the shame?

Attendee 1: So you remember who that person is?

Attendee 2: Not a clue – you?

Attendee 1: Absolutely not.  Maybe they weren’t in Corporate that long?

Attendee 2: I dunno; sure sounded like we all were best buddies for ages.

Attendee 1: I must be getting old – I forget names sometimes, but I have never forgotten a face this badly before in my entire life!

Attendee 2: I’m right there with you; maybe we should just shove dignity aside and ask –

Attendee 1: (Looks up suddenly) Hiiiiiiii!

Attendee 3: (Has returned with lots of plates full of pastries and a cup of coffee balanced on top, and sits between Attendee 1 and Attendee 2) Hey there!  Thanks for saving me a seat, ahahaha!  (Sits and starts digging into the food) Sooooo – how’s it been since I left our alma mater, hm?

Attendee 2: It’s been… (Looks at Attendee 1, who is worrying a pulled thread on the tablecloth) the usual.

Attendee 3: HA!  (Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 look at each other in confusion) Anyway, how’s our favorite VP doing, at least?

Attendee 1: Which… one…?

Attendee 3: Heh-heh, you know!  (Slyly nudges Attendee 1 with an elbow, making the latter’s arm slip off the table where it was leaning; to Attendee 2 while jerking a thumb at Attendee 1) Always a kidder, this one!

Attendee 2: (Staring at Attendee 1 who is trying to regain balance on the chair) Yeah, always.  (Leans over a bit to unobtrusively check Attendee 3’s name tag on lanyard but it is flipped over)

Attendee 3: (Finishing up another plate) Well, I just gotta say, I’m glad I got outta there when I did, but I miss most of the people there, especially you two!  (Reaches out to rub Attendee 1’s and Attendee 2’s shoulders on either side) We had some great times in the workplace trenches there, right?

Attendee 1: (Smoothly ducks away from Attendee 3’s hand) I’m sure someone did.

Attendee 3: (Claps hands in glee) Ooh, I know!  We should all meet up for dinner sometime!

Attendee 2: Ah….

Attendee 1: Well….

Attendee 3: Yes!  That way, we can reminisce for hours!

Attendee 2: Actually –

Event Coordinator: (Standing near a doorway) All right everybody, start heading over to the conference room and take a seat, we are starting in – (Checks watch) four minutes, and not a second later!

Attendee 3: (Downs the rest of the coffee) Whelp, guess that’s our cue!  I’ll grab us some seats in the way back of the room, wink-wink!  (Winks exaggeratedly at both while grabbing the bag, plates, and cup) Oh, do you want me to take your stuff?  (Gestures at the uneaten cereal and bagel)

Attendee 2: No thanks, we’ll work on them inside.

Attendee 3: Always the multitasker, eh?

Attendee 2: …You know me.

Attendee 3: Great!  See you in a bit!  (Trots away)

Attendee 1: (As everyone gets up and starts heading to the conference room) I don’t think I can take eight hours of this.  Plus lunch!

Attendee 2: Well, maybe one of us’ll remember the name before then, and mystery solved.  Doesn’t seem like someone who’d be that forgettable, right?

LUNCH

(As the attendees gather back in the dining area)

Attendee 3: Well, I certainly learned a lot today; how about you two?

Attendee 2: (Eyes glazed over) Hm?  Oh, yeah, a little.

Attendee 2: I learned that an engaging speaker makes all the difference.

Attendee 3: (Cackles wildly) Always with the jokes!  (Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 give each other dazed looks) Well, I’m gonna go check in downstairs and hope the room is ready so I can drop this load off – (Pats the overnight bag) you mind grabbing us a table and I’ll meet you when I get back?

Attendee 2: Sure.

Attendee 3: Great!  See you soon, buds!  (Zips out of the room)

Attendee 2: (As both start looking for empty seats at a table) So, any luck with the memory game?

Attendee 1: Not a jot.  For a second around Hour 2 I thought maybe I had it, but then realized I was thinking of my cousin so, no.

Attendee 2: Drat.

(Event Coordinator and Attendee 4 walk up to them)

Event Coordinator: Hi there, conference veterans!

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: (In the same familiar, tired tone) Heeeeeey.

Event Coordinator: So, seems to be another good conference this year, right?

Attendee 1: Yeah, I like it better than the one last year.

Attendee 4: Right, last year we had the breakout sessions and had to make all those posters and –

Attendee 1: (Shudders) Please: I had successfully blocked that from my mind until now.

Event Coordinator: (To Attendee 2) You still finding these things boring as anything?

Attendee 2: Well, I wouldn’t say “boring”, just not really applicable to my job and it’s difficult to keep my eyes open at a certain point, that’s all.

Event Coordinator: I’d agree, except this year I’m the one who has to make sure the speakers’ slides are all displaying and the microphone’s working and everyone’s where they’re supposed to be, sooooo... yeah.  Gotta keep alert on this one.

Attendee 2: I hear ya.

Event Coordinator: Well, enough of that.  On a happier note, I see you two’ve been having a good time with our former coworker today.

(Attendee 4 nods in agreement; Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 stare back blankly)

Attendee 2: …I’m sorry, you’re former coworker?

Event Coordinator: Oh yeah, that one worked in our organization’s Corporate office about three or four years ago; moved on to another company, but stayed in the field and still shows up at these events every so often.  Surprised they didn’t come over and say “Hi”, but we’ve been a bit busy today so it’s understandable.

Attendee 1: So, are you saying that they used to work at your organization, and now is who-knows-where?

Event Coordinator: Sounds like it. 

Attendee 4: I thought maybe they were working at your organization, since you all seemed so, well, chummy.

Attendee 2: (Staring into the middle distance) No; no I’m almost positive we’ve never met before today….

Event Coordinator: Well, one of the goals of these conferences is professional networking anyway, so making new contacts is always a good thing.  (Looks toward the front of the room where an attendee is waving wildly for the former’s attention) Oh, I think I’m being told we have to start the business meeting soon.  (Turns back to Attendee 1 and Attendee 2) Nice seeing you two again – enjoy lunch! 

Attendee 4: And tell your new friend we said “Hi!”

(Laughs while both walk over to the main table where lots of papers and awards await; Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 stare at nothing for a few moments)

Attendee 1: Well, this is awkward.

Attendee 2: Yep.

Attendee 1: Should we say something about it?

Attendee 2: Nope.

Attendee 1: Why not?

Attendee 2: Because there is no recovery from this kind of embarrassment.

Story 586: Etiquette Responses: Multiple Choice Edition

           “So, I got laid off from work this week.”

Select From The Responses Below:

A.    “Well, that stinks.”

B.     “Their loss – you can do so much better.”

C.    “Didn’t you hate that job anyway?”

D.    “Oh.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, things were getting really bad, what with the hostile takeover and the vanishing clients and the vanishing money and everyone turning on everyone else and – ” [Five minutes later] “and you agree I’m right, right?”

A.    Nod

B.     “Mm-hm.”

C.    “Yeah.”

D.    All of the above

[Nodding] “Mm-hm, yeah.”

“Right!  I knew you’d understand.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“Here, let me introduce you to my new better half!”

A.    “Oh, you actually exist?”

B.     “Wow, you look a lot like the last better half.”

C.    “Run now, before it’s too late!”

D.    “Hello.”

“Hello.”

“Amazing!  I bet you two are going to get along famously!”

“I’m never quite sure what that means.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “All right, bestie, wanna come with me to my aunt-in-law’s cousin’s toddler’s dance recital?  It’ll be over two hours long, and no one’s allowed to leave before the end.”

A.    “Not really.”

B.     “Do I have to?”

C.    “Must you inflict your family on me?”

D.    “Pass.”

E.     “Let me get back to you on that.”

F.     “I’m allergic to dance.”

G.    “Oh.”

“Do I have to?”

“What?”

“I mean: Oh.”

“What?”

“I mean: Let me get back to you on that.”

“So that means ‘No’, right?”

“…Pass.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

            “I’ve never been this upset in my entire life!  Look at my hands: I am literally trembling with rage!  I don’t know – what would you do in my situation?”

A.    “Get revenge.”

B.     “Don’t care.”

C.    “It could always be worse.”

D.    Say nothing and nod

[Nods]

“It’s all right, you can be honest with me: there are no wrong answers here.”

JEOPARDY!!!!  JEOPARDY!!!!

A.    SAY NOTHING AND NOD!

B.     SAY NOTHING AND NOD!

C.    SAY NOTHING AND NOD!

D.    SAY NOTHING AND NOD!

[Nods]

“I know, I’m probably being overdramatic, but the whole thing really grinds my gears, know-what-I-mean?”

A.    NOD!

B.     NOD!

C.    NOD!

D.    NOD!

[Nods]

“Exactly!  You’re such a great listener.”

Story 578: Last-Minute Gift Shopping

             (On a Sunday afternoon, Friend 1 stops alongside the living room couch, does a slight leap, and collapses onto it)

 Friend 1: (Closes eyes and full-body stretches) Ahhhhhh…. A day off from work, nothing to do, nowhere to be…. (Slowly re-opens eyes) Am I that boring?

(Cell phone vibrates with a received message; Friend 1 opens the phone and reads)

Message: COME CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY FRIENDS AND FAM!  IT’S NOT A MILESTONE I JUST WANT TO PAR-TAY WOOOOOOOO!!!!  MAIN STREET BANQUET HALL, MARCH 30, SIX PM UNTIL WHENEVER THEY KICK US OUT, BE THERE OR LIVE WITH THE ETERNAL REGRET LOSERS AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  RSVP BY TOMORROW, YOU ALREADY KNOW BY NOW IF YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS SO DON’T WASTE MY TIME!  AND BRING A GUEST!  BRING TWO GUESTS!  BRING ALL THE OK MOM I KNOW THE HALL ONLY HOLDS A SET AMOUNT OF PEOPLE BUT I WANT THIS SHINDIG TO BE ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN’!  SO YOU ALL BETTER SHOW UP WHEEEEE!!!!  YES MOTHER YOU ARE THE ONE PAYING FOR ALL THIS BUT IT’S STILL MY PARTY AND IF I WANT TO INVITE THE WHOLE TOWN THEN BY THUNDER I’LL (Sent by voice-to-text feature)

Friend 1: Huh.  A birthday party.  Haven’t done one of those since… (Thinks back to grade school) a certain amount of time.  Eh, why not?  (Types response) “Thanks 4 the invite will be there w/guest C U then.”

Message: COOL BRING YOUR DANCING SHOES CAUSE I WANT THAT FLOOR ON FIRE!!!!!   PARTY ANIMAL OUT!

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Calls Friend 2) Hey-hey, doing anything on March 30?

Friend 2: (Paused while running on a park trail to take the call) Oh, you got the invite too?

Friend 1: The birthday party extravaganza?  Yeah – I guess the whole town really was invited.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  It’s a Sunday and nothing else is going on so I said I’d come with a guest.  Wanna come with me and I’ll drive us there?

Friend 1: But I already said I’d come with a guest and I was gonna ask you!

Friend 2: All right, so we’re going together then.

Friend 1: But we each said we’d bring a guest so now we gotta find two extra people to come with us!

Friend 2: No we don’t; we just write back saying never mind on the guests, we’re going together.

Friend 1: But that’s so embarrassing!

Friend 2: Seriously?  Hold on.  (Types and sends a message)  There.  All cleared up in less than a minute, you weirdo.

Friend 1: `K.  Thanks.  Sorry.

Friend 2: So, what were you thinking for a gift?

Friend 1: …Gift?

Friend 2: Yes.  It is a birthday party.

Friend 1: A little presumptuous to invite an entire town and then expect us all to fork over a contribution, don’t you think?  A party’s nothing without guests, so our presence should be sufficient presents, heh-heh.

Friend 2: Whatever; you’ve got over a month so I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And if all else fails: gift card.

Friend 1: (Sighs dramatically) Oh, the etiquette burdens we place on ourselves when this is supposed to be a fun time.

Friend 2: I know, the trials you endure – I’m going back to my run, bye.  (Ends the call and continues with the run)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone onto the couch, leans back, and closes eyes again) I refuse to let this ruin my lazy day.  We’ve got over a month?  Plenty of time…. (Dozes off)

MARCH 29

(Friend 2 is enjoying a pancake breakfast at home when the phone rings)

Friend 2: (Answers while reading the newspaper) Hi!  What’s up?

Friend 1: (A constant din of stressed people is in the background) You know when you have a looming deadline that you keep pushing off and pushing off because you have plenty of time, and then, suddenly, you don’t?

Friend 2: (Stops reading) Where are you?

Friend 1: (Surrounded by frantic shoppers in a warehouse store) Lost in the middle of Ultra Value Super Save Mart.  Now I remember why I don’t come here on Saturdays.  Or ever.

Friend 2: Are you telling me that you had all this time and you still haven’t gotten a gift for the party tomorrow?!

Friend 1: …Not in so many words.

Friend 2: Unbelievable!  You had more than a month!

Friend 1: Oh, and I suppose you went out and picked up a gift the day we got the invite, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Traitor.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not responsible for your lack of planning in… everything, but I’m going to be extremely generous and let you come in on it if you want.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I can’t do that; we got separate invites, I’d look like a total freeloader!

Friend 2: I don’t think anyone would notice, or care.

Friend 1: Of course they would, they all would!  I could never show my face in this town again!

Friend 2: Hardly anyone even knows anyone else in this town anymore.

Friend 1: They’d know this!  Oh, the shame of it all, the shame!

Friend 2: (Rubs temple with free hand) I think you’re going to give me a migraine if I keep listening to this – you want me to come over there and help you pick out something?

Friend 1: (Immediately calms down) Yes.

Friend 2: Give me half an hour.  And thanks for ruining my Saturday.  (Ends the call and finishes breakfast disgruntledly)

Friend 1: (Pockets the cell phone and returns to staring morosely at a display of bath towels) Apparently, it’s what I do….

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Friend 2: (Finds Friend 1 staring morosely at a display of bath mats, surrounded by shoppers continuously hustling and bustling) All right.  I’m here.  Any progress?

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2 with glazed eyes) I progressed from never wanting to have kids to never wanting to be around humans ever again.

Friend 2: That’s not news – any ideas for gifts yet?

Friend 1: Possibly: you think I could get away with sticking a bow on a kitchen trash can?

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 for a few moments) …No.

Friend 1: Then no.  (Turns back to the bath mats, barely flinching when an infant starts a new crying chain with the others throughout the entire store)

Friend 2: OK, how about a home spa kit or something?

Friend 1: (Turns back to Friend 2) Is that what you got?

Friend 2: Yeah.

Friend 1: Wouldn’t I be the little copycat, then.

Friend 2: Who cares?!  Get a gift receipt and it can be returned if there are duplicates; your job is done at that point!

Friend 1: If I cared that little about my self-worth, we wouldn’t be in this situation now would we?

Friend 2: You wouldn’t be in this situation, you mean.

Friend 1: Correct.

Friend 2: (Takes a calming breath) All right, instead of the full-out home spa, how about just a foot spa?

Friend 1: Ew.

Friend 2: Hat-gloves-scarf?

Friend 1: Don’t know the size or taste.  And winter’s shockingly almost over.

Friend 2: Carryall bag?

Friend 1: From what I remember, I doubt the guest of honor leaves the house much.

Friend 2: (Shrugs shoulders in exasperation) I don’t know; a first aid kit?!

Friend 1: (Looks up briefly to think on this) Hmmmm….

Friend 2: No, don’t seriously consider that one; you’re driving me nuts, you know that?!

Friend 1: Can’t be helped, unfortunately.

Friend 2: I’m going to say it again, then: gift.  Card.

Friend 1: (Lowers head) At last, I must admit defeat.  Lead on.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They make their way to the front of the store and find gift card displays)

Friend 2: (Gestures to a very large display filled with many companies’ cards) There you go: pick one.

Friend 1: (Reaches out to a card, then pulls back) No, don’t want to limit to one restaurant.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes ice cream cakes.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes clothes.

Friend 2: Arrrggghhhh!!!  (Grabs a generic credit card company gift card and slaps it onto Friend 1’s open hand) Here!  Now go pay for it and get us out of this place.

Friend 1: (Staring at the card, agog) But there’s an activation fee!

Friend 2: (Grabs Friend 1 by the coat collar and drags the latter to the cash register lines) I’ll pay the extra fee just to end this!

MARCH 30

(Friend 2 pulls into a parking spot at the banquet hall with Friend 1 in the passenger seat; loud music and sounds of revelers are heard pouring out the front door)

Friend 2: (As they both unbuckle their seatbelts and get out of the car while holding their gifts) Well, I’m glad your ordeal is over and we can just enjoy ourselves now that the party’s finally here.

Friend 1: Yeah – let’s see if I’ve still got all my dance moves in me.

Friend 2: I’m almost afraid to find out.

(Inside the banquet hall, the whole town is eating, drinking, talking, dancing, and/or hiding in a corner; Friend 1 and Friend 2 find the Guest of Honor standing by the DJ station and zoom over there)

Friend 1 and Friend 2: Hi!  Happy Birthday!  (They simultaneously hold out their gifts)

Guest of Honor: (Turns and sees them) Oh hi!  Thanks so much for coming!  (Hugs them both fiercely as they hold the items out of the way) This is the best birthday ever, oooooooh!  (One last squeeze)

Friend 1: (As all three separate, holds out the gift again) Great-great; here-here.

Guest of Honor: Oh, you’re so sweet!  I feel bad telling everybody this: Mom wanted me to say “No Gifts” when I sent out the invite since she said everyone being here was enough or something like that, and I totally was going to but when I was finally doing the message I completely forgot to include that part, and now everybody’s coming in with gifts so I’m just telling them to please keep them for yourselves, they’re my “Thank You” for being here!  She’s putting up a banner now to let the rest know as they come in, at least.  (Gestures to a woman on a tall ladder attaching a banner overhead that reads “NO GIFTS!!!!!”; the woman glares at Guest of Honor and shakes her head; Guest of Honor waves at her) Love you!  (Back to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Anyway – so sweet of you.  (Briefly looks toward the front entrance) Oh, there’s more of the family – gotta run!  Make sure to have lots of crackers; we ordered way too many.  (Runs off to greet the new arrivals)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 still are staring at the space Guest of Honor had occupied)

Friend 1: (After a few moments) Soooo… never speak of this again?

Friend 2: That would be best.

Story 572: Procrastination Is My New Best Friend

             (In an office cubicle, Coworker 1 types nonstop)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glancing at the time in the computer monitor’s lower right-hand corner, again; through clenched lips) How did I lose THREE HOURS?!!!  (A <DING!> is heard as a new e-mail arrives; Coworker 1 opens the message, scans though it, then leans forward to read it again in disbelief) Another five reports are due?!  When on Earth am I supposed to get those done????!!!!   (Nearly swoons off the chair)

(A voice is heard from above)

Voice: Or you could just, you know, not do them yet.

Coworker 1: (Whips head around in confusion, then looks up to see a figure casually draped across the top of one of the cubicle walls) Huh?

Procrastination: The extra work.  Just don’t do it yet.  Your current work could probably wait, too.

Coworker: Who – are – where – how – ?

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter.  (Nimbly vaults off the cubicle wall to sit on the edge of Coworker 1’s desk) Read the e-mail again – is there a hard deadline?

Coworker 1: (Looks back at the message) Ummm…. (Back to Procrastination) It says “ASAP”.

Procrastination: HA!  That’s just the higher-ups trying to make their problem your problem.  Set it aside; it’ll keep.

Coworker 1: But – what if my boss comes looking for these ASAP?

Procrastination: Then say you’re working on it.  If everyone starts getting antsy, you can add that the projects need to go through a few more iterations before they’re ready for launch; that oughta do it.

Coworker 1: (Starts taking notes and nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh; any other suggestions?

Procrastination: Oh yeah: like I said earlier, whatever you’re working on now, leave it for later.

Coworker 1: But I’ve been working on it all day –

Procrastination: Exactly: it’s probably garbage now, so go back to it when you’re fresh.  Like in a month or so.

Coworker 1: Really?

Procrastination: Yep!  In the wise words of the Bard of Avon, “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow”… will always be there, so why stress out today?

Coworker 1: I… don’t think that’s how the line goes….

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter: go take an hour-long 15, you deserve it!  (Disappears)

Coworker 1: Wha – ?

Coworker 2: (Peeks head around the cubicle opening) Hey: you off the phone now?

Coworker 1: I wasn’t on – never mind; what’s up?

Coworker 2: Just got the word that our self-evaluations are due Friday instead of next month `cause of some system glitch – you do yours yet?

Coworker 1: No.

Coworker 2: Well, I finally finished mine and it took forever, so I’d say hurry up since Friday’ll be here any minute.  (Trots over to the next cubicle to spread the happy news)

Coworker 1: (Looks over at the desktop calendar showing that the current day is Wednesday) Friday, hm?  Plenty of time….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At Coworker 1’s townhouse)

Coworker 1: (Sitting on the couch while talking on the phone) So the drafts through all the windows and doors are getting worse and every floor has got this weird leak going and I have no idea what that smell coming from the laundry room is and don’t get me started on the cracks in the walls that are cutting into the ceilings and I don’t even know where to begin!

Procrastination: (Pops into view on the other end of the couch) Then don’t.

Coworker 1: (Staring at Procrastination as the voice on the other end of the phone starts speaking) I’ve… gotta go.

Voice on the Phone: Wait, you need to get out of there immediately – !

Coworker 1: (Ends the call and drops the phone onto a cushion) All right, I’ll bite: what do you mean, “Don’t”?

Procrastination: Exactly that.  These problems have been there way before you noticed, and they’ll be there for a lot longer before the tipping point of permanent damage, so why worry about them now?  (Holds out a fishing pole) Haven’t you been wanting to go fishing on the lake for AGES?

Coworker 1: (Eyes widening, grabs the pole and runs) FISHING!

Procrastination: (As the front door slams) Heh-heh-heh – sweet.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a banquet hall)

Coworker 1: (Rushing in, sees Coworker 2 standing at a high top table and zooms over) Hi, sorry I’m late, didn’t account for rush-hour traffic, and gave myself nine minutes for a half-hour drive – did I miss anything?

Coworker 2: (Takes a swig of limeade while thinking) Whelp, only Jerry’s retirement speech – and a bunch of the food – and the 50-50 that’s 100% going to Jerry anyway –

Coworker 1: Great, it sounds like I missed most of the whole thing already!  Is the buffet still open at least?

Coworker 2: (Points with the glass) I think the other end hasn’t been taken down yet, so you might get a few mashed potatoes or some spinach or whatever.

Coworker 1: Errrrggghhhhh!  (Starts to dash over there but is stopped by a brief hand on the shoulder from Coworker 2) What?!

Coworker 2: Hate to bring this up, but did you drop off your gift yet?  `Cause I think they’re taking down that table now, too.

Coworker 1: (Smacks forehead) The gift!  I completely put off getting it, then forgot!

Coworker 2: Oh well, maybe you can mail it when Jerry moves to Florida tomorrow, but I don’t think anyone has the address.

Coworker 1: (Slumps onto the table) This just keeps getting more and more embarrassing!

Coworker 2: Yeah, not to rub salt in the wound either, but I think your name came up when Jerry was talking with our boss about those ASAP reports we got assigned a week ago, something about they’re still waiting for yours and it’s holding everything up, I didn’t catch all of it.

Coworker 1: (Lets head drop onto the table and moans into the cloth)

Coworker 2: (Finishes off the limeade and places the glass onto the passing tray of an efficient server) Yeah, hope you did your self-eval before that, heh-heh.

Coworker 1: (Head suddenly lifts) The self-eval!  (Runs out the door)

Coworker 2: (Starts working on a newly arrived plate of tiramisu) Hm – what a mess.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is sitting on the living room floor frantically searching through files in boxes when Procrastination appears ensconced in an armchair)

Procrastination: So!  That looks tedious – how about leave it for another day and watch some more episodes of your new favorite show instead?  You know you want to.

Coworker 1: (Stands and points an accusatory finger at Procrastination) You!

Procrastination: (Points to self) I?

Coworker 1: Yes!  My life is falling apart because of you!

Procrastination: Nonsense: your life was falling apart long before I showed up.  Don’t you feel the stress just melting off now that you’re no longer bound by other people’s arbitrary timetables and deadlines?

Coworker 1: No!  Because of you, I almost got fired; Jerry’s never going to speak to me again, either here or in Florida; the house is still falling apart at a rapidly increasing rate; and because I didn’t do my taxes in time, I’m probably going to jail!

Procrastination: Oh, that’s ridiculous.

Coworker 1: Is it?!

Procrastination: Yes.  You still worry over nothing: they’d charge you penalties for years before jail is ever presented as an option.

Coworker 1: Well!  That’s just a huge relief, now isn’t it!  (Collapses onto the floor, holds head, and makes upset noises into hands)

Procrastination: (Sighs in annoyance and tsks) If you’re going to take that attitude, then this isn’t going to be fun anymore.

Coworker 1: (Sits up suddenly and glares in fury at Procrastination) NO!  KIDDING!

Procrastination: (Stands and brushes hands dismissively) You know, I was trying to do you a favor, but since I can tell that my efforts aren’t appreciated, I’ll go help someone else who actually deserves it. (Disappears)

Coworker 1: GOOD!  Oh, gone.  (Stares at the files scattered on the floor, then feels a drop of water land on head; while brushing it off, looks up to see a new, spreading leak in the ceiling) Maybe I have it all wrong: maybe if I procrastinate forever, this can all become Someone Else’s Problem.

Story 431: I Don’t Know How to Human Properly

 (In a doctor’s consultation room; it looks like a psychiatrist’s office – but it isn’t)

Doctor: (Sitting in an uncomfy chair and addressing Patient, who is lying on the usual couch and staring intently at the ceiling) So, what brings you here today?  (Pen hovers over a notepad, poised at the ready)

Patient: Well Doc, I’ve been alive for over three decades and it’s come to my attention more and more often lately that I’ve not been doing it quite right this whole time.

Doctor: (Pauses in taking notes) How do you mean?

Patient: (Shifts on the couch to face Doctor) Well, for instance, when you brought me in here you asked, “How are you?” and I said “Oh fine, thanks” and left it at that.  I just now realized I never asked how you were.

Doctor: (Chuckles and waves dismissively) Oh, that’s not much – we all do that sometimes, and today we’re here to talk about you, not me.

Patient: (Turns to lie back down on the couch) Yes, but it’s common decency and I couldn’t even think to do it until it was too late not to be awkward.  Not the first time by a long shot, either.

Doctor: (Starts taking notes again) Well, social faux pas are unfortunate but not problematic in and of themselves.  Is there anything similar that’s bothering you?

Patient: Yes.  Lots of little things like that, all day, every day.  Made me realize… I don’t know how to human properly.

Doctor: Oh dear, sorry you feel that way.  What’s another example?

Patient: Where do I begin?  Only the other day, one of my coworkers mentioned it was their birthday, and I said, “That’s nice, Happy Birthday,” and then later that afternoon the rest of the department whipped out a cake, card, and presents!

Doctor: And?

Patient: And I didn’t even think to do anything like that!  And I’ve been working with this person for almost 15 years!

Doctor: Well, we all have our strengths.                                                       

Patient: OK, then how about another coworker who’s having a baby soon, and someone in a different department said they’d throw a baby shower for her, and the other day came to me asking if I was planning on chipping in `cause they hadn’t heard back from me yet!

Doctor: To be fair, that actually could be a bit presumptuous on their part.

Patient: I’m the mom-to-be’s supervisor!

Doctor: Oh.

Patient: Yes!  And when I was asked that, it hit me that I should’ve been the one arranging the shower from the beginning!

Doctor: Yes, that is a bit basic.  How long have you been in this role?

Patient: Three months, why?

Doctor: You’ll probably be coming across a lot more of these types of situations.

Patient: (Slumps farther down the couch) Great.  I already have to remind myself when we have visitors to the department that I should offer them some water or coffee, only because one of my “subordinates” was kind enough to ask when I left some higher-ups from Corporate just sitting there while we waited for the CEO.

Doctor: Ouch.

Patient: And work’s not the half of it: I don’t even know how to act around my own family and friends sometimes.

Doctor: How so?

Patient: Well, when anything major comes up like a wedding, or a graduation, or a Bar Mitzvah, or a funeral, I find myself completely at a loss what to do, what to say, where to go, how to act, who to tip!  And everything I do think of to say to the guest of honor or the bereaved winds up sounding completely asinine!  And the few times I even think of it, how do I know when it’s appropriate for me to send over food?!

Doctor: This is all sounding very much like social anxiety.

Patient: I’d agree with you, but I come across the same… block, around people I’m comfortable with!  I’ve had a best friend since infancy, and when they told me the other day they’re going through a rough time all I could do was “Uh-huh” and trickle off the conversation because I had absolutely no idea what to say!

Doctor: You could’ve just listened.

Patient: (Turns back to Doctor) You see!  Everyone knows stuff like this instinctively, but I always have to be told everything and hope I remember it in time!  There’s something wrong with me, Doc – I missed out on the instruction manual on how to be a human being!

Doctor: (Finishes notes with a flourish) Well, you may be somewhat lacking in empathy and maturity and common sense in many instances, but this seems to be more of a case of ignorance and laziness rather than complete sociopathy.  (Patient double-takes as Doctor walks to the desk, takes what appears to be a smart phone out of a container, and begins entering settings on it) This is an excellent opportunity to test out a device I’ve been trying to patent – you can be my first human subject.  (Hands the device to Patient)

Patient: (Stares at the many features on the screen) What do I do with this?

Doctor: Think of it as a customized search engine: whenever you come across a social situation you don’t know how to respond to, just select the appropriate scenario and a whole bunch of suggested phrases and behaviors will display.

Patient: (Taps the icon for “Loss of Pet,” then sees “Friend,” “Relative,” “Acquaintance,” “Coworker,” “Supervisor,” “Subordinate,” and “Stranger,” taps “Friend,” then sees “Close Friend,” “Casual Friend,” “Social Media Friend,” “Potential Main Squeeze (Awaiting Confirmation),” taps “Casual Friend,” then sees “Say: ‘So sorry to hear about your fur baby/pet/companion’ – Do: Send pet loss sympathy card and/or make a donation to the local animal shelter (if pet’s name/species is unknown, skip second part).”)  Wow.

Doctor: I tried to make the algorithm as thorough as possible, so please let me know if I overlooked anything – it’s officially in beta testing now.

Patient: (Stands) Thanks, this should be really helpful!

Doctor: I hope so – come back in two weeks and let me know, would you?

 ONE WEEK LATER

(Patient arrives at a hospital as a visitor, carrying a small basket of baby supplies)

Patient: (Knocks on an open door of a room in Maternity and enters with a wide smile) “Hiiiii!!!!”

Coworker: (Sitting in bed and holding a newborn baby) Oh, hi!  Thank you so much for coming to visit!

Patient: “Of course!”  (Holds up the basket for a moment before setting it on a nearby table) “Since I missed out on the shower….”

Coworker: (Laughs) Aw, thanks, I missed out, too!  (To the baby) You were in quite the hurry there, little one!

Patient: (Surreptitiously glances down at the device peeking out of a jeans pocket and taps a button; immediately goes to the sink and washes hands) “Almost forgot!”

Coworker: Oh, would you like to hold the baby?

Patient: (Freezes a bit while drying hands) …“Sure!”  (Gently cradles the baby in arms and sits down slowly in a nearby chair; stares down at the baby while struggling to remember phrases) “Has your eyes”…?

Coworker: You think so?

Patient: (Looks closer at the baby and back at Coworker) Maybe more your hair.

Coworker: Certainly has a ton of it!

Patient: (Looks back down at the baby, who starts to fidget) “Oops, I think we want Mommy back!”  (Gently hands the baby back to Coworker and slides the device out of the pocket a bit again, glancing down) “So, when are they gonna spring you two from here, eh?”

Coworker: (Distracted by the cooing baby, then looks back up at Patient) Hm, sorry?

Patient: Um…. (Scratches head and leans forward slightly to cover up looking at the device again) “Did they say you and the baby can go home soon?”

Coworker: Oh, probably tomorrow, so that’ll be nice.

Patient: (Nods) “Uh-huh.”  “Nice.”

(Coworker’s Partner enters with two cups of water; Patient quickly stands)

Partner: Oh hi, thanks for coming by!

Patient: (Shakes hands after the cups are set down) “Of course!”  “Congratulations, you two!”  (Mini-waves at the baby) Three!  “I’ll let you all enjoy each other’s company now, buh-bye!”  (Washes hands again and backs toward the door)

Coworker: Thanks again for coming, and for the supplies, we’ll definitely need them!

Partner: (Sees the basket on the table) Oh yeah, thanks a lot!

Patient: (Still backing toward the door) “No worries!”  Um…. “Good fortune!”… Um… yeah, bye.  (Runs away)

Partner: (Smiles at Coworker and the baby) Seems nice.

Coworker: Yeah.  A little awkward sometimes, but improving.

 ONE WEEK LATER

(In Doctor’s consultation room – the two are in the same positions as before)

Doctor: Well?

Patient: (Beaming while holding up the device) It.  Was.  Amazing!  I was hardly ever at a loss for words; I almost always knew exactly what to do in almost any situation; and even when I stumbled or made a “Whoopsie!”, this thing always guided me back on track!

Doctor: (Taking notes) Excellent.  Your feedback is invaluable during the testing phase for this to be accepted as a legitimate medical treatment.

Patient: Great!  Would you mind if I kept it for a little longer, then?

Doctor: How much longer do you think you need?

Patient: Probably the rest of my life.

Doctor: That’s fine; I have several more test devices to distribute and the prototype stays with me, so you can keep that one forever if you like.

Patient: Yessss!!!  (Briefly hugs device to chest) You don’t know how much this has helped me; I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s changed my life!

Doctor: That’s good to hear – it’s always nice to know technology can be used for good without the potential for gaining sentience and taking over the world.

Patient: …Yeah, that too.

Doctor: Oh, one more thing.  (Goes to the desk, opens a drawer, and hands a piece of paper to Patient)

Patient: (Peers at the form) What’s this?

Doctor: Since you’ll be keeping the device, once the patent is inevitably approved this’ll be the monthly bill.  (Patient looks up in shock) I’m sure your insurance will cover at least part of it.

Patient: (Rapidly navigates through the device) “As a voluntary test subject, all equipment and medications involved in the study are perpetually provided free of charge!”  (Triumphantly holds out the device and mic-drops it onto the couch)

Doctor: Wow, that thing really does work in all scenarios.  I’ll make a note to increase my royalty demands.