(Coworkers
stream into a conference room that is set up with rows of tables and computers
and a large screen at the front facing them, sitting wherever they find an
empty place)
Coworker 1:
(Quietly to Coworker 2 as they sign into computers next to each other) I can’t
believe they’re making us stay here for an hour and a half – an hour and a half!
– to learn about a system we already use.
And I never use it!
Coworker 2: I
heard there’re updates and it’s supposed to be easier to use now.
Coworker 1:
(Glares at Coworker 2) Please. Any
update is automatically harder, and this whole thing today could’ve been sent
to us in two slides.
Coworker 2:
(Leans in confidentially) You know what I heard?
Coworker 1:
Obviously not.
Coworker 2: They
got Ryan in I.T. to do the webinar for this, right before he quit to become
Ryan --------, Hollywood Celebrity.
Coworker 1: …So
this is pre-recorded?! Another waste of
my time!
Coworker 2: So? Isn’t it cool we get one last class from
Ryan, before, you know, he became Ryan?
He was so funny when I’d get him on the phone with the help desk, and I
love him in his new movie!
Coworker 1:
(Mutters at the computer screen) I hate that guy.
Coworker 2: Huh?
Coworker 1: He
still owes me money for Josie’s retirement gift.
Coworker 2: That
was three years ago.
Coworker 1:
(Looks at Coworker 2) Yeah, and he thinks I forgot, but I didn’t! (Back to the screen) I never forget.
Coworker 2:
Whatever – I still think this is so cool!
(The course
proctor heads over to the main computer by the large screen)
Proctor: Hello
everybody, thank you for coming to the training class today, let’s get
started. (While setting up the video to
display on the screen) This mandatory class that none of you can wiggle out of
taking will show you the new features in the system, but you’re also in for a
special treat: this was the last webinar that our very own “star,” Ryan
-------- recorded before he left us to embark on a little something called a
movie career….
Attendees: [Clap
and cheer]
Coworker 3: Yeah
Ry-an!
Coworker 1:
[Loudly grinds teeth]
Proctor: So,
without further ado, here’s our local success story giving his contractually
obligated training session on “Orders 2.0.”
(Starts the video which shows actions on a computer screen as links are
selected and data are entered)
Ryan’s Voice:
Welcome everyone, to “Orders 2.0”; I’m Ryan --------, I.T. Specialist, although
not for much longer as you may have heard by now, heh-heh-heh.
Attendees: [Clap
and cheer]
Coworker 1:
[Gags]
Ryan’s Voice:
So, after you log into this thing – whoops – (Takes several attempts to log in)
too many passwords nowadays, am-I-right?
Attendees:
[Loudly laugh]
Coworker 1: For
amateurs, maybe!
Ryan’s Voice:
(Finally logs in) Right, aaaaand – select this option here for Test Mode, and
then enter the code I’m typing now, and that brings you to here.... Still a
busy screen, I know, but they’re workin’ on it.
Coworker 4: You’re
doing your best, Ryan!
Coworker 1:
(Leans toward Coworker 2) They know he can’t hear them, right?
Coworker 2: You
just did the same thing a minute ago.
Coworker 1: I –
(Closes mouth suddenly in memory and sits back upright)
Ryan’s Voice:
OK, so now we’re going to simulate creating an order for an extremely high
amount so I can show you the process for big ticket items, something like, I
don’t know, how about a pool for the East Quad, sound good?
Attendees:
[Cheer, clap, and whistle]
Coworker 5: East
Quaaad!
Coworker 1:
Weirdos.
Ryan’s Voice:
So, that’ll bust the budget and need lots of approvals, and let’s see if
we can even find a vendor for it…. (Begins searching the list when a strange
ringtone on the video goes off) Huh… shoot, sorry, gotta take this – hello? Hey Samir, thanks for getting back to me so
fast, what’s the offer now?... Twenty million?! Holy –
Proctor: (Starts
advancing the video) I’m so sorry – no one actually watched this beforehand, we
just assumed….
Coworker 1: Hey,
if he’s got $20 million now then maybe he can cough up 15 bucks to pay what he
owes me!
Proctor: – and
here should be good. (Resumes the video)
Ryan’s Voice: – dude,
I said, “No nudity” –
Attendees:
Whoooooo!!!
Proctor:
(Advancing again) Sorry! Sorry! (Softly while watching the screen) I am so
going to be fired.
Ryan’s Voice: – gotta
go, I’m trying to wrap up a webinar I gotta do for work, then I can finally say
“Buh-bye” to this dumpster fire of a job –
Coworker 3: Heh,
he’s got that right.
Ryan’s Voice:
`K, `K, gotta go, bye!... Oh shoot, this thing’s still recording…. Ah, forget
it, I’ll just tell `em to edit out 15 minutes.
Coworker 1: (To
Coworker 2) Clearly, he didn’t tell `em.
Ryan’s Voice:
Aaaaaaaaaaand.... (The mouse whirls around the screen a while) right, ordering
a pool, sweet. So, you’d select the
budget range of, I dunno, $50 grand and up?
Yeah, let’s do that, go all out, why not?
Coworker 4:
Livin’ the dream, Ryan!
Attendees:
[Cheer]
Coworker 1: (To
Coworker 2) How does one sign an eye roll so that the whole room can see it?
Coworker 2: I
think you would just do it.
Coworker 1: Well
that’s just limited range.
Coworker 5: Ssh,
please? I can’t hear Ryan!
(Coworker 2
prevents Coworker 1 from lunging over the table at Coworker 5)
Ryan’s Voice: –
and you’d have to get approval from everybody all the way up to – (Strange
ringtone again) Just a sec…. Hey, Raquel!
Did they send those scripts yet?... I dunno, I took some French in high
school so maybe I could learn a made-up language….
Proctor: I’m so
sorry – (Goes to advance the video again)
Coworker 6:
Wait, I wanna hear if this is for that movie he’s filming now; it’d be so cool
if it is!
Proctor: You all
have to take an hour and a half for this class, and so far this seems to have
about 20 minutes usable material, so, no!
Coworker 1: We
won’t tell if you won’t!
Ryan’s Voice: –
is it anything like Tolkien’s Elvish stuff, `cause that’d be neat?... More like
the Orkish stuff? Whatever, I’m game –
Proctor:
Skip! (Advances 10 minutes)
Ryan’s Voice: – were
we?... Approvals, right. So you enter
your department name – (Buzzing sound on the video) …Oh no, they changed the
flight to 5 a.m.? Ooh, first class,
not too shabby –
Proctor: Argh! (Advances 10 minutes)
Ryan’s Voice: – worked
with Boys & Girls Clubs of America for a while anyway so this’ll be
perfect, I can really help out even more now –
Proctor: Ergh! (Advances
10 minutes)
Ryan’s Voice: –
trainer’s coming over tomorrow so she’ll see I can bench almost 300 lbs
now –
Attendees:
Oooooooh!
Proctor: Grrrrrr….
(Advances 20 minutes)
Ryan’s Voice: – snowboarding
next weekend, I gotta go for real now, `K, bye!... OK! Soooooo, Approvals. Right.
Aaaaaand… click here… type this… click “Submit,” and boom. Pool.
Well, if you get all the approvals, and if they don’t want you to hold a
bidding war first, and this still could take months and sometimes years even if
everything goes right…. Wow, looks like our hour and a half is up, so that’s it
for “Orders 2.0,” Class! Usually this’d
be the time for questions but I was told to record it instead of doing it live
in case you all’d start getting, quote-unquote, off-topic; my e-mail account’s
gonna be deactivated in about an hour so if you do have any relevant
questions, don’t send them to me because as of 3:30 p.m. today, I no
longer have to pretend to care about messed-up networks and poorly maintained
hardware ever again! Good luck, it’s
been nice working with you all, and see you on the big screen, yay! (The video ends abruptly)
Attendees: [Clap
and cheer]
Coworker 2: Aw,
he said it was nice working with us!
Coworker 1: He
has to fake-love everyone now – that’s the payment for his new life of glamor.
Proctor:
(Quickly shutting down the main computer and the large screen) Once again, I
apologize for the lack of applicable content in this video – we’ll send out an
e-mail when this class has been rescheduled.
Attendees:
[Massive groan]
Coworker 3: Can
you e-mail just the audio portion of this one to us? We wanna hear the rest that we missed.
Proctor:
Absolutely not! (Storms out in a panic
to destroy all files of the presentation)
Coworker 2: (As
the attendees slowly proceed out of the conference room) That stinks we still
have to take the class, but this was pretty fun anyway.
Coworker 1: I
guess. I still hate him, but I have to
admire his ability to achieve escape velocity from this gravity well of a
company.
Coworker 2:
Mighty big of you to say so.
Coworker 1: Yeah…
you think he’d give me an autograph?
