Story 657: What Would You Do If You Won the Lottery?

           (In a diner, Friend 1 is seated in a booth and slowly flipping through a book-long menu)

Friend 1: (Stopping on a page) I wonder what they’d do if someone actually ordered the Surf & Turf Special…?

(Friend 2 hurriedly slides into the opposite booth)

Friend 2: Hi – sorry I’m late; lost track of time.

Friend 1: (Closing the menu) Heh, that’s usually my line.

Friend 2: (Rummaging through pockets) Yeah, I was at the supermarket and took longer than I thought picking out something.

Friend 1: Was it between apples and cookies?  That decision gets me every time.

Friend 2: No – this.  (Pulls out two lottery scratch-off tickets and slams them down onto the middle of the table)

Friend 1: (Leans down to stare at the tickets for a few seconds, then looks back up at Friend 2) I’m confused – are you actually your evil twin?

Friend 2: That’s not a real question, but to answer the one you meant: yes, I decided to walk on the wild side for a few seconds of my life.

Friend 1: I see that – why?

Server: (Approaches the table) Hi, ready to order?

Friend 1: No, but if I ask you to come back in a few minutes you’ll have moved on to 50 other tables and we’ll see you in an hour instead, so I’ll have a soda and whatever the soup of the day is, please.

Server: Tomato Basil.

Friend 1: Again?

Server: If you’re here regularly enough, then yes.

Friend 1: …All right, I’ll take it.  Thank you.  (Hands the menu to Server)

Server: (Turns to Friend 2 while taking the menu and writing on a notepad) And for you?

Friend 2: I’ll have a chocolate malt and the Surf & Turf Special, please.  (Hands the menu to Server as Friend 1’s eyebrows jump up)

Server: (Takes the menu while still writing) And how’d you like the Turf cooked?

Friend 2: Rare, please.

Server: Options are medium or well-done.

Friend 2: Oh.  Medium then, please.

Server: (Nods while writing) Upgrade to sweet potato fries?

Friend 2: Sure, why not?

Server: $3 extra.

Friend 2: Oh.  Eh, sure, why not?  I mean – go for it!

Server: (Finishes writing) `K, everything’ll be out soon.  (Leaves for the kitchen)

Friend 1: OK, now I’m worried: are you dying or something?

Friend 2: Well, if you think about it, we’re all dying.  (Friend 1’s eyes widen) I just figured, once in a while, live a little, right?

Friend 1: (Holds up the scratch-off tickets) Wouldn’t happen to have anything to do with these, would it?

Friend 2: Oh right, those.  (Takes them back) Yeah, I was picking up the usual groceries, and I was passing the customer service counter when it suddenly hit me: I have never played the lottery in my entire life.

Friend 1: I doubt that; somebody would’ve given you one of those – (Points to the tickets) at some point, they’re the perfect non-gift gift.

Friend 2: The what?

Friend 1: You pay the money for someone to have a chance to win, and if they don’t it’s like you didn’t give them anything.  Either way, you’re still out 5 bucks.

Friend 2: Oh, yeah, I guess, but I never actually bought one for myself.  So, instead of the state lotto and all those ones where you have to pick your own numbers, since I might’ve changed my mind at that point, I went to the scratch-off machine and got the highest ones they had so if we win we’ll win big, and if we lose it’ll be more fun scratching off the designs than just checking rows of numbers.

Friend 1: OK.  “We”?

Friend 2: Yeah: one for you, one for me.

Friend 1: Aw, thanks.  How much do I owe you?

Friend 2: Forget it – you’re helping me feel less of a loser by playing these with me.

Friend 1: Oh… thanks?

Server: (Comes back with two drinks) Here you go.

Friend 1 and Friend 2: Thanks.  (Each takes a glass)

Server: (To Friend 1) And soup of the day actually is French Onion – you still want it?

Friend 1: (After sipping the soda) Um… how much longer would it be if I changed to a burger instead?

Server: Past the time the Surf & Turf’ll be done.

Friend 1: French Onion it is, then.  (Server leaves) So, when’re you going to check the ticket, tonight?

Friend 2: Why not now?  (Takes out a wallet, opens a zippered compartment, removes a quarter, pockets the wallet, and starts scratching one of the tickets) You should do it now, too!  If you want.

Friend 1: No, I’ll wait till you’re done.  (Watches for a few seconds) So, what’ll you do if you win?

Friend 2: (Still scratching the ticket) Ha, probably put it toward groceries.

Friend 1: No, I mean big.  What if you win big, and literally win the lottery?

Friend 2: (Trails off scratching) Huh….

Friend 1: I mean, what’s the biggest prize on there?

Friend 2: A million.

Friend 1: Woo-whee!  Even with taxes taken out, that’s a nice chunk of change!  So what would you do if you actually won it?

Friend 2: (Looks off in thought) I don’t know… invest it, probably.

Friend 1: C’mon, I know you already have retirement funds and all that jazz – Future You’s all set.  This – (Picks up the other ticket and waves it in emphasis) is for Present You.  And once it gets out there that you won, all your fake relatives who didn’t exist until that moment will appear, looking for a slice of that cash pie, so I say, eat it all now before they get anywhere near it!

Friend 2: (Sets down the quarter) Well, really, I should save some of it –

Friend 1: Heck no!  If you didn’t already have a good job, good health insurance, and all that, I’d say yes, invest away.  You don’t have any major debts you haven’t told me about, do you?

Friend 2: No.

Friend 1: Even better.  This – (Waves the ticket again) would be play money, and I say use it on whatever you want as fast as you can, `cause life’s too short and someone else’ll figure out a way to snatch this from you if you don’t spend it all first.

Friend 2: OK, what about you then?

Friend 1: What about me?

Friend 2: Yeah, what would you do if you won the lottery?

Friend 1: (Leans back, stares at the ticket fondly for a few moments, then stares wistfully into space) Retire.

Friend 2: Ha!

Friend 1: (Looks back at Friend 2) You think I want to spend my mid-life-to-golden-years still working in retail?  I’d dump it tomorrow if I could.

Friend 2: Sorry, it’s just – we’re nowhere near retirement age.

Friend 1: And we never will be at this rate.  You should retire, too – we could travel the world without worrying about all the e-mails waiting for us on the first Monday morning back.

Friend 2: Wait, two minutes ago you were telling me to keep my job’s salary and benefits and use this – (Waves the ticket) to play!

Friend 1: I’m modifying the scenario.  If I retire alone, I’ll get bored – who’ll I hang out with if all my friends are still stuck in the daily grind?

Friend 2: All right, fine, we retire – then what?  We can’t live on whatever the amount’ll be after taxes are taken out of $1 million; we probably couldn’t even retire on the full $1 million.

Friend 1: But if we combine the tickets, then it will be $2 million.

Friend 2: It’s still a million each.

Friend 1: Oh right.  (Looks at the ticket again) All right, forget the retirement.

Friend 2: For now?

Friend 1: If that makes you feel better.  (Taps the ticket against the table-top in thought) Maybe we’re going about this all wrong.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Maybe we really should just give it all away.

Friend 2: (Raises an eyebrow) You’re suggesting that?!

Friend 1: (Stops tapping) Think about it: nothing good ever comes from a sudden influx of that much money.  There are too many horror stories of people ruining their lives, and winding up as degenerates, and fending off all the fake relatives.

Friend 2: You already said that one.

Friend 1: Well, it’s worth repeating.  Those stories never have a happy ending, and everyone always winds up wishing they’d never bought the ticket in the first place.

Friend 2: I doubt everyone wishes that – those are just the bad stories you hear about.

Friend 1: And I don’t want to be one of them!

Friend 2: So, what, you want me to take the ticket back? (Holds out a hand)

Friend 1: (Holds the ticket closer as Friend 2 pulls back the hand) No, I just… think we should be smart about it so we don’t become another cautionary tale, that’s all.

Friend 2: OK, how about this: we win a million-ish dollars; we donate 99% of it to local food banks, community services, animal shelters, and the like; the remaining 1% we put toward trips to Iceland and New Zealand so we can say we almost travelled Pole-to-Pole and vertically half-circumnavigated the globe; how’s that sound?

Friend 1: (Thinks for a few moments, then nods) Sounds like a plan.  (Fishes a quarter out of a pocket and holds it up) Ready?

Friend 2: Ready!

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 lean over and scratch their tickets in a focused frenzy)

Server: (Arrives with a tray of plates, opens up a stand, and places the tray on it) OK, who ordered the Special again?

Friend 1: (Looks up intensely) We’ll-take-care-of-those-thank-you!  (Goes back to scratching the ticket; Friend 2 never stopped)

Server: Oh… kay…. (Leaves for another table, muttering) I’ll need all that stuff back, you know….

(After several minutes, Friend 1 and Friend 2 finish scratching their tickets and stare at them)

Friend 2: All of mine are one-digit off from the winning numbers.

Friend 1: I think I won.

Friend 2: Really?! 

Friend 1: (Looks closer at the ticket) Wait, no, never mind – mine are all one-digit off, too.

Friend 2: Oh.  Not even a free ticket pity prize?

Friend 1: Nope.  You?

Friend 2: Nope.  This really is a non-gift gift, huh.

Friend 1: Well, it’s the thought that counts.

Story 572: Procrastination Is My New Best Friend

             (In an office cubicle, Coworker 1 types nonstop)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glancing at the time in the computer monitor’s lower right-hand corner, again; through clenched lips) How did I lose THREE HOURS?!!!  (A <DING!> is heard as a new e-mail arrives; Coworker 1 opens the message, scans though it, then leans forward to read it again in disbelief) Another five reports are due?!  When on Earth am I supposed to get those done????!!!!   (Nearly swoons off the chair)

(A voice is heard from above)

Voice: Or you could just, you know, not do them yet.

Coworker 1: (Whips head around in confusion, then looks up to see a figure casually draped across the top of one of the cubicle walls) Huh?

Procrastination: The extra work.  Just don’t do it yet.  Your current work could probably wait, too.

Coworker: Who – are – where – how – ?

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter.  (Nimbly vaults off the cubicle wall to sit on the edge of Coworker 1’s desk) Read the e-mail again – is there a hard deadline?

Coworker 1: (Looks back at the message) Ummm…. (Back to Procrastination) It says “ASAP”.

Procrastination: HA!  That’s just the higher-ups trying to make their problem your problem.  Set it aside; it’ll keep.

Coworker 1: But – what if my boss comes looking for these ASAP?

Procrastination: Then say you’re working on it.  If everyone starts getting antsy, you can add that the projects need to go through a few more iterations before they’re ready for launch; that oughta do it.

Coworker 1: (Starts taking notes and nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh; any other suggestions?

Procrastination: Oh yeah: like I said earlier, whatever you’re working on now, leave it for later.

Coworker 1: But I’ve been working on it all day –

Procrastination: Exactly: it’s probably garbage now, so go back to it when you’re fresh.  Like in a month or so.

Coworker 1: Really?

Procrastination: Yep!  In the wise words of the Bard of Avon, “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow”… will always be there, so why stress out today?

Coworker 1: I… don’t think that’s how the line goes….

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter: go take an hour-long 15, you deserve it!  (Disappears)

Coworker 1: Wha – ?

Coworker 2: (Peeks head around the cubicle opening) Hey: you off the phone now?

Coworker 1: I wasn’t on – never mind; what’s up?

Coworker 2: Just got the word that our self-evaluations are due Friday instead of next month `cause of some system glitch – you do yours yet?

Coworker 1: No.

Coworker 2: Well, I finally finished mine and it took forever, so I’d say hurry up since Friday’ll be here any minute.  (Trots over to the next cubicle to spread the happy news)

Coworker 1: (Looks over at the desktop calendar showing that the current day is Wednesday) Friday, hm?  Plenty of time….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At Coworker 1’s townhouse)

Coworker 1: (Sitting on the couch while talking on the phone) So the drafts through all the windows and doors are getting worse and every floor has got this weird leak going and I have no idea what that smell coming from the laundry room is and don’t get me started on the cracks in the walls that are cutting into the ceilings and I don’t even know where to begin!

Procrastination: (Pops into view on the other end of the couch) Then don’t.

Coworker 1: (Staring at Procrastination as the voice on the other end of the phone starts speaking) I’ve… gotta go.

Voice on the Phone: Wait, you need to get out of there immediately – !

Coworker 1: (Ends the call and drops the phone onto a cushion) All right, I’ll bite: what do you mean, “Don’t”?

Procrastination: Exactly that.  These problems have been there way before you noticed, and they’ll be there for a lot longer before the tipping point of permanent damage, so why worry about them now?  (Holds out a fishing pole) Haven’t you been wanting to go fishing on the lake for AGES?

Coworker 1: (Eyes widening, grabs the pole and runs) FISHING!

Procrastination: (As the front door slams) Heh-heh-heh – sweet.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a banquet hall)

Coworker 1: (Rushing in, sees Coworker 2 standing at a high top table and zooms over) Hi, sorry I’m late, didn’t account for rush-hour traffic, and gave myself nine minutes for a half-hour drive – did I miss anything?

Coworker 2: (Takes a swig of limeade while thinking) Whelp, only Jerry’s retirement speech – and a bunch of the food – and the 50-50 that’s 100% going to Jerry anyway –

Coworker 1: Great, it sounds like I missed most of the whole thing already!  Is the buffet still open at least?

Coworker 2: (Points with the glass) I think the other end hasn’t been taken down yet, so you might get a few mashed potatoes or some spinach or whatever.

Coworker 1: Errrrggghhhhh!  (Starts to dash over there but is stopped by a brief hand on the shoulder from Coworker 2) What?!

Coworker 2: Hate to bring this up, but did you drop off your gift yet?  `Cause I think they’re taking down that table now, too.

Coworker 1: (Smacks forehead) The gift!  I completely put off getting it, then forgot!

Coworker 2: Oh well, maybe you can mail it when Jerry moves to Florida tomorrow, but I don’t think anyone has the address.

Coworker 1: (Slumps onto the table) This just keeps getting more and more embarrassing!

Coworker 2: Yeah, not to rub salt in the wound either, but I think your name came up when Jerry was talking with our boss about those ASAP reports we got assigned a week ago, something about they’re still waiting for yours and it’s holding everything up, I didn’t catch all of it.

Coworker 1: (Lets head drop onto the table and moans into the cloth)

Coworker 2: (Finishes off the limeade and places the glass onto the passing tray of an efficient server) Yeah, hope you did your self-eval before that, heh-heh.

Coworker 1: (Head suddenly lifts) The self-eval!  (Runs out the door)

Coworker 2: (Starts working on a newly arrived plate of tiramisu) Hm – what a mess.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is sitting on the living room floor frantically searching through files in boxes when Procrastination appears ensconced in an armchair)

Procrastination: So!  That looks tedious – how about leave it for another day and watch some more episodes of your new favorite show instead?  You know you want to.

Coworker 1: (Stands and points an accusatory finger at Procrastination) You!

Procrastination: (Points to self) I?

Coworker 1: Yes!  My life is falling apart because of you!

Procrastination: Nonsense: your life was falling apart long before I showed up.  Don’t you feel the stress just melting off now that you’re no longer bound by other people’s arbitrary timetables and deadlines?

Coworker 1: No!  Because of you, I almost got fired; Jerry’s never going to speak to me again, either here or in Florida; the house is still falling apart at a rapidly increasing rate; and because I didn’t do my taxes in time, I’m probably going to jail!

Procrastination: Oh, that’s ridiculous.

Coworker 1: Is it?!

Procrastination: Yes.  You still worry over nothing: they’d charge you penalties for years before jail is ever presented as an option.

Coworker 1: Well!  That’s just a huge relief, now isn’t it!  (Collapses onto the floor, holds head, and makes upset noises into hands)

Procrastination: (Sighs in annoyance and tsks) If you’re going to take that attitude, then this isn’t going to be fun anymore.

Coworker 1: (Sits up suddenly and glares in fury at Procrastination) NO!  KIDDING!

Procrastination: (Stands and brushes hands dismissively) You know, I was trying to do you a favor, but since I can tell that my efforts aren’t appreciated, I’ll go help someone else who actually deserves it. (Disappears)

Coworker 1: GOOD!  Oh, gone.  (Stares at the files scattered on the floor, then feels a drop of water land on head; while brushing it off, looks up to see a new, spreading leak in the ceiling) Maybe I have it all wrong: maybe if I procrastinate forever, this can all become Someone Else’s Problem.