Story 551: Vacation Timelessness Holdover

 AUGUST 4

(On the phone)

Friend 1: Oh hi; what’s up?

Friend 2: Hey, sorry to bother you – probably packing for vacation now, right?

Friend 1: Heh-heh-heh: I don’t pack `til morning of.

Friend 2: What if you have an early-morning flight?

Friend 1: Then I pack earlier-morning.  So, no: I’m just hanging around enjoying my pre-vacation day off from work before I have to hustle myself to The Shore and then really relax.

Friend 2: Great!  Well, I was just calling to wish you safe travels, and have fun with your family down there – need me to collect your mail or water your plants or anything?

Friend 1: Mail’s on hold, and you know all my plants ran away to save themselves from my neglect.

Friend 2: True.  OK, have a great time then, and show me some pictures of the overcrowded beaches and boardwalk or something when you get back.

Friend 1: Thanks!  I’m just looking forward to when I enter the Vacation Timelessness state.

Friend 2: The what state?

Friend 1: You probably know the feeling: it takes about a day or so, but at some point on a long trip I start losing track of the days, the weeks, the months, and if I’m real lucky, the hours and minutes.  Wreaks havoc on reservations, but that’s what the other members of my group are for.

Friend 2: I think I know what you mean.  Whelp, enjoy, but don’t get too timeless that you forget to come back home.

Friend 1: Heh-heh-heh – if only….

AUGUST 19

(On the phone)

Friend 1: Oh hi; what’s up?

Manager: Oh, not much.  So: you showing up to work some time today?

Friend 1: Today?

Manager: You took off more days than most people in this economy feel comfortable with, plus cushion days before and after, so you were scheduled to come back to work on the following Monday.

Friend 1: Monday?

Manager: Yes, I generously gave you off both weekend days – don’t know what I was thinking – even let you sleep in today, what a sap I am – so your shift started at 3:00.

Friend 1: 3:00?

Manager: Just get here in the next 30 minutes and make up the lost hour tomorrow, and I won’t write you up – this time.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: Thirty minutes?

SEPTEMBER 2

(In a department store, Friend 2 goes to the customer service desk where Friend 1 is stationed)

Friend 2: Hi!

Friend 1: (With a glazed look) Hello, how can I help you?

Friend 2: …It’s me.

Friend 1: (Shakes self briefly) Yeah, sorry – I’ve been a little out of it lately.

Friend 2: I’ll say: you keep missing meeting up for lunch to show me your vacation photos; I figured I could track you down at work since you’d have to be here at some point and can’t escape.  Saved it for Labor Day, since I knew you’d feel a bit down having to work on the one holiday that should be guaranteed off for all laborers, but I guess someone always has to work for the rest of us to enjoy the day, you know?

Friend 1: (Stares blankly at Friend 2) Labor Day?  When is that this year?

Friend 2: (Stares blankly at Friend 1) Today is Labor Day.

Friend 1: (Shakes self briefly again) Oh, right – I get an extra day off later this week instead – which day…?

Friend 2: Are you feeling all right?

Friend 1: Yeah, 100%, why?

Friend 2: You seem more scatterbrained than usual.

Friend 1: (Looks around to make sure no one else is close by, then leans in toward Friend 2 to stage whisper) Actually, I think I may have a timelessness problem.  Possibly even a syndrome.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: You know how I said when I go on vacation I start losing track of time?

Friend 2: Yeah, the vacation time bit; so?

Friend 1: Well, usually once I come back to reality then the arbitrarily determined days, months, minutes, hours, and all that jazz come horribly crashing back on me and the inevitable march of mortality resumes in my brain, and all is as it has been, even if it isn’t as it should be.

Friend 2: Yeah?

Friend 1: So this time, that… didn’t happen.

Friend 2: You got back weeks ago.

Friend 1: Weeks?

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s probably almost half a month by now.

Friend 1: Month?

Friend 2: Why do you keep repeating what I’m saying?

Friend 1: Because time-related words have ceased to mean anything to me.  I’ve resorted to setting alerts on my phone and leaving notes for myself everywhere just to simply exist in a world where the clock means something to everyone else.  I used to shop for groceries on the same day every week and now only do so when I’ve run out of food.

Friend 2: Why not set an alert or leave yourself a note for that, too?

Friend 1: Gotta draw the line somewhere.  Point is, I’ve become… unmoored in time.  (Eyes widen in realization) I wonder if that means I can now travel through time?!

Friend 2: I doubt it.  Did you get in an accident, hit your head or something while you were away?

Friend 1: Hm?  Oh, no, nothing like that – went dolphin watching one day; they were pretty fun.

Friend 2: Well, what you’re describing sounds a bit serious and you probably should see a doctor to get your brain checked out.

Friend 1: Forget the timelessness bit – I’m afraid what else they’ll find in there.

SEPTEMBER 15

(On the phone)

Friend 2: Hi!  Did you enjoy your birthday dinner with your folks today?

Friend 1: Always – I’m actually calling to let you know I’m cured.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: The timelessness thing.  It’s done; it’s over; I’m back to so-called normal.

Friend 2: Oh… oh!  That’s great!  So, what was it then, did the doctor give you a pill or something?

Friend 1: Didn’t get that far: I had a barrage of scans and blood tests that showed I’m pre-diabetic and peri-lazy, so I got referred to a psychiatrist for next week but I’m cancelling because I got cured in the meantime.

Friend 2: OK, so… how were you cured?

Friend 1: Well, you know this year was the big 4-0 for both of us –

Friend 2: Don’t remind me.

Friend 1: – and at dinner one of my helpful relatives grabbed me by the shoulders right as I was about the blow out the cupcake candles and said “Welcome to Middle Age, chum!”  And that did it.

Friend 2: That was it?  That’s all it took?

Friend 1: Yep.  In the blink of an eye, time got its stranglehold back on my brain, and I now know exactly what day, month, year, etc., etc., it is all over again.

Friend 2: Oh.  Wow.  Kind of a stinky way for it to happen, but whatever works, right?  No more timelessness and feeling unmoored, yay!

Friend 1: Yeah, yay.

Friend 2: What’s the matter now?

Friend 1: …I kind of miss it.

Story 543: Trying to Call Out From Work on Father’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, you’re never gonna believe this –

Manager: I bet I won’t.

Employee: –  but I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Father’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: I thought last time you said Mother’s Day was the second biggest sales day?

Manager: Turns out I was mistaken.  I’m big enough to admit I’m wrong when I’m caught.

Employee: Good on you.  Anyways, just letting you know, I’m taking today off.

Manager: No you’re not: you’re scheduled on alternating hours covering the front register and customer service desk to handle all the last-minute panicking guilt-ridden adult children.

Employee: I thought you might say that, so I counter that offer with my willingness to work on Labor Day instead, even though its very existence implies that I shouldn’t have to by law.

Manager: It’s not an offer; it’s the non-negotiable schedule that’s been up for weeks – don’t tell me you forgot to request off super-early again like you did for Mother’s Day?

Employee: …OK, I won’t tell you.

Manager: You’re a real piece of work.  And no one else can switch with you for today, is that it?

Employee: Would you believe me if I told you I forgot to ask anyone until this morning?

Manager: Yes.

Employee: Well, there’s your answer.

Manager: Then I’m not too sorry to say there’ll be no last-minute saves with shift-switching today like we were able to pull off last time, so you’re stuck working most of the afternoon and all night.  I pity your dad, you know: there’s no way you’re calling out today unless you send over a doctor’s note that you’re violently ill within the next 20 minutes.

Employee: A doctor’s note, eh?  <COUGH-COUGH>

Manager: And don’t think I won’t be able to tell if it’s something you just whipped up on your home computer.

Employee: Oh.  I retract those coughs, then.

Manager: So you’re still coming in today, yes?

Employee: (Sighs) Unfortunately, although it pains my very soul to do so, yes I’m still coming in today.  I just will have to tearfully explain to my beloved father that his beloved child has been forced by a cruel manager and the unfeeling forces of capitalism to spend precious hours serving idle consumerists instead of showing my appreciation of him being the World’s #1 Dad, that’s all.

Manager: Wonderful.  I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but if it’s any consolation he can commiserate with my father on what awful children they have.

Employee: How so?

Manager: I lost track of the Sundays in June and wound up scheduling myself today, too.

Story 538: Trying to Call Out From Work on Mother’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Mother’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: So I’ve been told.

Manager: You’ve also been told that I already gave the day off to the mothers among us, and the rest of you either needed to have requested off three months ago and hope for the best or take another day off to make up for it if you wanted.

Employee: I do recall that.  However, I should make you aware at long last that I, too, am a mother.

Manager: Since when?!

Employee: It has been my private shame these past five years: the Baron refuses to acknowledge not only me, the one true love of his life, but also his 12 illegitimate children, whose presence, if revealed, would divide his estate into so many portions that even his so-called legal heirs would barely get a dime, and the horrendous scandal would tear his country apart.  The least I could get out of this stressful ordeal is one day with my offspring serving me breakfast in bed, don’t you think?

Manager: You’ve had 12 children in five years?

Employee: …There were a few sets of triplets in there.

Manager: You’re still working today.

Employee: OK-OK-fine; if that tragic tale doesn’t move your cold heart to tears, then I must tell you directly: I rescued a gaggle of orphaned goslings last night, and they imprinted on me.

Manager: Really.

Employee: I am now the matriarch of an interspecies family – how can you ask me to walk away from that enormous responsibility on today of all days?!

Manager: Well, I’m not asking.

Employee: Glad we agree.

Manager: I’m telling you directly: if you don’t come into work today, you’ll have all the time you like to mother your feathered children because you won’t be spending it here.

Employee: (Sighs) You leave me no choice, then.

Manager: Here it comes.

Employee: I swore never to reveal this to a single modern soul, but you have pushed me to the brink: my true name is… Eve.

Manager: OK…?

Employee: As in, the Mother of All Humanity.

Manager: Oh, for crying out –

Employee: Peace, my child: I have long since forgiven you and your brethren’s slanderous lies that I am solely responsible for getting us kicked out of Paradise – I seem to recall your Father going along with the fun until we got caught, which is retroactively typical.

Manager: Whatever: you still have an eight-hour shift coming up in 20 minutes.

Employee: All right!  The truth is, I’d promised my mom that I’d request off Mother’s Day this year but then I lost track of time and when I finally remembered it was a week away and I ran out of people who could switch days with me and now she’s gonna give me the disappointed look for the rest of my life!

Manager: Now why didn’t you just lead with that?  I still can’t switch days for you but I know at least one person doesn’t want to work tonight anymore, so if you take their closing shift and they work your mid-shift then you’ll at least get to do brunch or something with your mom today.

Employee: Yes!  That’d be perfect – you’re a lifesaver, thank you!

Manager: You’re welcome.  I gotta make a few phone calls now to set this up, so I’ll see you at 5, OK?

Employee: That’d be swell!  You’re a great “mom” to all of us here, you know that?

Manager: Certainly feels like it.