Story 543: Trying to Call Out From Work on Father’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, you’re never gonna believe this –

Manager: I bet I won’t.

Employee: –  but I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Father’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: I thought last time you said Mother’s Day was the second biggest sales day?

Manager: Turns out I was mistaken.  I’m big enough to admit I’m wrong when I’m caught.

Employee: Good on you.  Anyways, just letting you know, I’m taking today off.

Manager: No you’re not: you’re scheduled on alternating hours covering the front register and customer service desk to handle all the last-minute panicking guilt-ridden adult children.

Employee: I thought you might say that, so I counter that offer with my willingness to work on Labor Day instead, even though its very existence implies that I shouldn’t have to by law.

Manager: It’s not an offer; it’s the non-negotiable schedule that’s been up for weeks – don’t tell me you forgot to request off super-early again like you did for Mother’s Day?

Employee: …OK, I won’t tell you.

Manager: You’re a real piece of work.  And no one else can switch with you for today, is that it?

Employee: Would you believe me if I told you I forgot to ask anyone until this morning?

Manager: Yes.

Employee: Well, there’s your answer.

Manager: Then I’m not too sorry to say there’ll be no last-minute saves with shift-switching today like we were able to pull off last time, so you’re stuck working most of the afternoon and all night.  I pity your dad, you know: there’s no way you’re calling out today unless you send over a doctor’s note that you’re violently ill within the next 20 minutes.

Employee: A doctor’s note, eh?  <COUGH-COUGH>

Manager: And don’t think I won’t be able to tell if it’s something you just whipped up on your home computer.

Employee: Oh.  I retract those coughs, then.

Manager: So you’re still coming in today, yes?

Employee: (Sighs) Unfortunately, although it pains my very soul to do so, yes I’m still coming in today.  I just will have to tearfully explain to my beloved father that his beloved child has been forced by a cruel manager and the unfeeling forces of capitalism to spend precious hours serving idle consumerists instead of showing my appreciation of him being the World’s #1 Dad, that’s all.

Manager: Wonderful.  I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but if it’s any consolation he can commiserate with my father on what awful children they have.

Employee: How so?

Manager: I lost track of the Sundays in June and wound up scheduling myself today, too.

Story 505: Too Busy to Live in a Horror Movie

(In a suburban house, Mom is on the phone while grabbing laundry from the dryer, kicking toys on the floor out of the way, wiping down random surfaces, etc.  She stops suddenly after rounding a corner to the living room and seeing the couch that was against a side wall now in the center with armchairs piled onto it, topped by the television set)

Mom: (Still on the phone, letting the laundry basket fall to the floor) You know, I’ve just about had it with them rearranging the furniture all the time.  The midnight screaming is one thing – my youngest had colic for six months so, really, please – but this!  (Gestures to the pile, then props the phone against one ear while hauling furniture back to their original positions) No, they think it’s funny to play Tower of Babel so then I have to clean up after them.  I already have three children, thank you!  (Uses a foot to kick the couch back against the wall) Unbelievable; I caught them the other night starting to drip what looked like blood but I suspect was syrup down the bathroom walls – which I had just deep-cleaned literally that same day, mind you – so you can bet I put a quick stop to that.... Sprayed the room with bleach until they knocked it off, what else?  (A low moaning builds up from deep inside the fireplace; Mom watches as gusts of air start shifting the logs inside) Hold on a minute – they’re up to some new garbage now.  (A sudden BANG! bursts open the flue, sending all sorts of debris flying out onto the living room floor as a disembodied presence swoops out of the fireplace and into Mom’s face)

Ghost: WOOOOOOOOO – !

Mom: (Lowers the phone to address Ghost) Well, that’s just great – would you look at all the dirt and insect bodies you strewed all over the place?!  Lucky for you I don’t even bother cleaning this floor more than once a year, else I’d really let you have it!

Ghost: WOOOOOO – huh?

Mom: (Walks through Ghost to lean into the fireplace and feel around inside) Oh, perfect, perfect!  (Comes out again, holding a handle) As if everything else wasn’t enough, now the flue is broken!  And the chimney cleaners were just here last week!  So fixing this is another expense we don’t need and time I don’t have to wait around for them to come back, and meanwhile all sorts of wildlife riffraff are gonna make their way in here unless I figure out how to block off everything because the flue is broken!  (Throws the handle through Ghost, who disappears) Yeah, that’s right, make a mess and evaporate!  (Raises the phone back up again) Sorry about that – got another headache added to my growing list.  I’ll let you go, then – what?  Oh yeah, I’ll see you there tomorrow morning around 10; sewer bills are paid at the Utility Department window, right?... I know there’s a late fee this time!

(At a soccer field, a dozen kids pile into Mom’s car; Mom then floors it to the speed limit)

Mom: (Shouting over the excited din of juvenile chatter) No dilly-dallying tonight, children: as soon as I pull up to your house, get yourself right on out of here because I’ve got a long night of cleaning ahead.

Carpool Child 1: You guys still have the ghosts hanging around trashing the place?

Child 1: Yes!  And it’s soooooo embarrassing!

Mom: “Embarrassing” is not the word for this situation.

Carpool Child 2: I think it sounds so cool – I wish our house was haunted like yours.

Mom: You’re welcome to mop up the muddy footprints and remake the beds 10 times a day and sweep up every broken thing on top of the mess this crew – (Thumbs back to Child 1 and Child 2 in the rear seats) already make on a daily basis!

Child 2: Hey!  But you love us!

Mom: Not when you leave tissues in your pockets for the laundry, I don’t!

Carpool Child 2: Yeah, never mind, I think I’ll pass on all that.

Mom: Wise move.

(At the kitchen table, Mom, Dad, and Child 1, Child 2, and Child 3 try to eat dinner as plates and glasses constantly shift through the air and banging noises in both the basement and the attic occasionally drown them out)

Mom: Now, I don’t want anyone to try using this as an excuse to skip your vegetables: I got wise to that the second time you pulled it and now I’m keeping inventory of everyone’s plates.

Child 1-3: Argggghhhhh…..

Dad: (Snatching a piece of chicken from a passing plate while reading from a large book propped open on a stand perched on the table) Hey everyone, I think from what this thing’s saying we’ve got at least seven poltergeists and other spirits in our home, but it could possibly be as many as 10 or even 1,000.

Mom: Sounds about right.  (Snaps a celery stick in half and starts chomping on it)

Child 3: (To Dad) If one of them dumps me out of bed again tonight, can I call out sick from school and play video games to recover?

Dad: If you’re recovered enough to play video games, you’re going to school.

Child 3: Worth a shot.

Mom: (To Dad) I’ll be out most of the day tomorrow paying bills and uprooting the dead tree, so I just know that these… (Briefly glances around at the children) nuisances will probably take the opportunity to bring the house down – are you sure this didn’t stem from that summoning chant you did at the office party?  Because if it did, you’ll be the first one I’m throwing to them when we’re temporarily homeless.

Dad: (Chuckles) No, I’m pretty certain the party just brought along that one little guy, and he was fine with my lock of hair for his bald head and went on his merry way.  So, the current crew’s presence appears to be… (Scans several pages of the book) unrelated.

(Mom glares at the children)

Child 1-3: Wasn’t us!

Mom: Just checking.  (The house trembles with a loud crash) What nowwwwwww!!! (Everyone jumps up from the table and runs to the living room to see furniture being piled up into a tower again; Ghost giggles while hoisting the television set to the top) HEY!  (Mom points at Ghost, who freezes) You put that back where you found it right now!  (Ghost sheepishly sets the television back onto the entertainment center) And the rest!  (Ghost, grumbling, starts putting the rest of the furniture back in their places as the family returns to the kitchen table; they resume eating and drinking from the flying plates and glasses as the banging continues upstairs and downstairs)

Dad: (Had started reading the book again) It looks like there’re a few passages I can recite to kick them all out of here at once, buuuuuut we have to wait until the next full moon in…. (Check cell phone) three weeks.

Mom: Three weeks?!  The house’ll be destroyed by then!

Child 1-3: Waaaahhhh!!!

Mom: Never mind, never mind – (Takes a deep breath) you and I will take shifts every night for the next three weeks and constantly run interference, that’s all.

Dad: We probably don’t have to go that far; maybe we can get up a little earlier and hope for the best –

Mom: The mortgage is still being paid off.

Dad: I’ll take first watch.

Mom: (Throws a fork at the floating napkin holder, pinning it to the floor) Not for nothing, I wish they’d targeted someone with nothing to do and haunt them instead – I mean really, who has time for this rubbish?!

Story 496: Taking a Toll

(In the middle of parkway traffic)

Friend 1: (Crawling along with the rest of the cars and singing along with the wrong lyrics on the radio) <You thrill up my clean-ses/Go thrill me agaaaaain!/Moo-moo-moo-moo-moo-mooooo-mooooo – > (Is interrupted by the cell phone ringing; turns off the radio and answers the call on speaker) Yellll-oh?

Friend 2: (Calling from a living room, surrounded by relatives and appetizers) Hey, just checking – did you make it to your parents’ house all right for Father’s Day?

Friend 1: (Brightly) I did not, so I’m heading there as we speak!

Friend 2: What?  Why didn’t you go there last night like you said you were?  If you’re on the parkway now, you’re going to get there in time to turn around and go home!

Friend 1: Well… life interfered and determined that I leave today instead of yesterday, so I yielded to the whims of fate.

Friend 2: You forgot you were supposed to leave last night instead of this afternoon.

Friend 1: …Yes.  I assume you did not.  Forget, I mean.

Friend 2: Are you kidding?  Whenever there’s a Sunday holiday I always get to my parents’ house by Thursday the latest.  Does a number on my days off from work, but well worth it.

Friend 1: (As the road begins to curve) Ah, hold that thought: toll booth coming up, and I never start out in the right lane since they always literally throw in a curve!

Friend 2: So, you finally break down and get Quick Ticket yet?

Friend 1: Why? This is one of the few times of the year I’m on the parkway; why should yet another company have my credit card on file, especially for something I rarely use?  Who do they think they are, The Gym?!

Friend 2: I think toll rates were raised again so you’d better have enough change, then.

Friend 1: Nonsense: I’m not the only old-school driver out here who’ll have larger bills needing breaking – gotta support the few toll attendants left, am-I-right?

Friend 2: It’s just that the amounts are a bit different now –

Friend 1: (Pulls up to a cash toll booth) Noted!  (To Toll Attendant 1) Greetings, fellow worker; this should justify your position to those out-of-touch corporate honchos for another day.  (Holds out a $20 bill)

Toll Attendant 1: (Softly sighs) That’s the 80^th 20 I’ve gotten today – do you happen to have exact change, or at least the coins, please?

Friend 1: Huh?  (Toll Attendant 1 points to a sign listing the toll amount) Three dollars AND 15 CENTS?!

Toll Attendant 1: I curse the day that amount was assigned to this plaza.

Friend 1: So do I!  (Rummages through wallet) How in the blazes did they decide on 15 CENTS?!

Toll Attendant 1: I suppose I should be thankful that the total ends in a five instead of any number other than zero – but I’m not.

Friend 1: I’ll say.  (Horns from the cars in line start blaring as Friend 1 hands over two $1 bills, several quarters, and a dime)

Toll Attendant 1: (Counts through the spread) Still need a nickel, please.               

Friend 1: Oh, sorry, thought it worked out with the quarters.  (Counts out five pennies and starts handing them over) Good thing you all still take pennies – whoops!  (Drops three pennies onto the road in mid-transfer)

Toll Attendant 1: Oy.

Friend 1: (Unbuckles seatbelt, opens the car door, and starts picking up the coins; as the car horns blare louder and longer, Friend 1 hands over the pennies and turns to face the honking cars) BABIES!

Toll Attendant 1: (Enters change into the register) Thank you – have a nice day, what’s left of it.

Friend 1: (Re-enters the car and rebuckles the belt) You as well; I don’t know how you stand it.

Toll Attendant 1: I don’t either.

(Friend 1 advances 30 feet before having to slow down to 4 mph again)

Friend 2: (Having moved on to the den, still a voice from the phone on the passenger seat) So, that sounded exciting.

Friend 1: (Jumps slightly in seat) Jumpin’ jacks, I forgot you were there.

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s very entertaining from this end.  Still convinced not to get Quick Ticket?

Friend 1: Yes – this was a one-time incident never to be repeated, either to myself or to anyone else in the vicinity.

Friend 2: Don’t you usually have at least two tolls and also one on the exit?

Friend 1: Maybeeee….

Friend 2: Plus the ones on the way back?

Friend 1: Just one toll on the way back.  And the parkway entrance.

Friend 2: Want me to stay on the line for moral support?

Friend 1: Please.  (At toll #2, Friend 1 inches forward to a stop and then holds out a $20 bill to Toll Attendant 2) Greetings, fellow –

Toll Attendant 2: Toll changed to $2.72.

Friend 1: (Mouth drops open) What happened to nice round numbers?

Toll Attendant 2: That was the north toll plaza.  You’re in the central toll plaza now.

Friend 1: I get it…. (Rummages through wallet) I seem to no longer have pennies.  Or quarters.  Or dimes.  Or nickels.  Or –

Toll Attendant 2: You have $3?

Friend 1: (Rummages through wallet, then looks up) No.

Toll Attendant 2: (As horns from the cars in line start blaring) $5?

Friend 1: (Rummages some more) I have $10.

Toll Attendant 2: Sold.  (Friend 1 hands over the bill and Toll Attendant 2 hands back the difference) Congratulations – you received the last of my change.  The next car is gonna hate you.

Friend 1: Don’t you get your register replenished or emptied out or turned over or something?

Toll Attendant 2: Hey, we’re lucky we get a paycheck.

Friend 1: Well, thanks anyway; have a great day!  (Slowly pulls away while giving a thumbs-up to the honking driver behind)

Toll Attendant 2: You too – I certainly won’t.

(Friend 1 begins crawling on the parkway again)

Friend 2: (Now sitting in an outdoor patio) Next toll booth’ll probably be exact change, since it’s an exit and those refuse to be staffed just to spite everyone.

Friend 1: (Gripping the steering wheel) I know….

(Forty-five minutes later, Friend 1 exits the parkway and approaches the toll booths)

Friend 1: I’m telling you, Dad owes me for the ordeal I’m undertaking on his behalf!

Friend 2: Don’t you owe him literally your entire existence?

Friend 1: That goes without saying.  (Peers up ahead) Well, whaddya know!  There’s actually an attendant here.

Friend 2: Really? That’s odd; usually those booths are just 50-or-75¢.

Friend 1: Who cares: someone’s getting my $20 today.  (Pulls up to the booth and holds out a $20 bill) Greet –

Toll Attendant 3: Toll’s now one dollar and a ha’penny.

Friend 1: …Excuse me a moment.  (Turns back to the passenger seat and picks up the phone) I’m hanging up now so your eardrums are spared the screams of my anguish.

Friend 2: Sure – when you’re done there, wish your dad “Happy Father’s Day” for me, yeah?

Friend 1: Likewise – at least some of us’ll be having a good day.

Story 446: Best Father’s Day EVER!

 (In a living room, Dad is reading a newspaper)

Dad: (Chuckling at the comics section) So corny, but still tickles my funny bone.  (Phone rings; Dad glances at the caller ID, smiles, and answers) Hey kiddo, what’s up?

Adult Child 1: So, the gang and I were talking –

Dad: Uh-oh.

Adult Child 1: No, it’s all good: we were talking about Father’s Day coming up and we decided this year we want to give you the Best Father’s Day EVER.  That last bit was in all caps, by the way.

Dad: Aw, honey, you know every year is the best Father’s Day.

Adult Child 1: You’re legally obligated to say that the moment you produce offspring!

Dad: …What?

Adult Child 1: Thanks for being sweet and all, but how many buffet brunches and backyard barbecues and banal bacchanalias can you suffer through before standing up and shouting “Enough is enough!”?

Dad: But I like all those things.

Adult Child 1: I’ll permit you to maintain the illusion; meanwhile, the gang and I purchased tickets for us all to go that day to Super Adventure Thrill-Ride Land, yay!

Dad: Oh!  Wow.  Thank you, that’s very nice of you all!

Adult Child 1: And it includes meals and any souvenirs you want; this covers your birthday too just so you know; we’ll pick you up at 8 a.m.; see you then; byeeeee!!!  (Ends the call)

Dad: (Places the phone back on the charger and stares out the window, gnawing on lip) Kinda wanted to watch the game that day.

 FATHER’S DAY

(Adult Child 1 pulls up the driveway of Dad’s house at 8 a.m. sharp, tooting the horn; Adult Children 2-3 are leaning out the car windows, waving wildly at Dad who was waiting by the front door)

Adult Children 1-3: HAPPY FATHER’S DAYYYYY!!!!  (Horn beep-beep-beeeeeps)

Dad: (Waves back at them, smiling broadly while muttering) Neighbors are gonna love me at this hour on a Sunday morning.  (Enters the passenger side and sits) Hey kiddos, thank you so much!

Adult Children 1-3: (Spinning noisemakers) Woooo-hoooo!

Adult Child 1: (While backing the car out of the driveway and embarking on the journey) Now, I checked the traffic and it’ll be bumper-to-bumper all the way there, so we should arrive just when the park opens at 10.

Dad: (As the car turns onto the highway and begins crawling to the jam-packed parkway) You timed it perfectly.

 TWO HOURS LATER

Adult Child 1: (Maneuvering the car through the tightly filled parking lot) All right everyone, keep your eyes peeled for a spot!

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s one!

Adult Child 1: Sweet.  (Signals to turn, then shuts that off and keeps driving) Nope – no, there’s a compact car in there already.

Adult Child 2: Oh.  (Points again) There’s one!

Adult Child 3: Motorcycle.

Dad: (Points) There’re plenty of spots over there.

Adult Child 1: But those’re alllll the way at the back of the lot!  You’ll be exhausted by the time we reach the main entrance!

Dad: I’m exhausted just sitting here for two hours, so the five-mile walk’ll be a nice change.

Adult Child 2: (Points) Oooh, there’s one!

Adult Child 1: That’s a pedestrian crossing!

Adult Child 2: Oh.  Knew it’d be too good to be true.

 20 MINUTES LATER

(The car is parked in the last row and they all disembark)

Adult Child 1: Right: after many fake-outs, we finally found this charming slot that dear old Dad pointed out ages ago; I acknowledge it, and in hindsight should have dropped you all off closer to the front and caught up with you later; “I told you so”s are thereby nullified; let’s roll!  (Starts running to the main entrance)

Dad: Uh, honey?

Adult Child 1: (Stops and runs back) Yes, Father?

Dad: Father needs a slower pace.

Adult Child 3: So do the rest of us.

Adult Child 2: Yeah, we’ve been sitting in a cramped space for that long and my legs are just now getting feeling restored to them.

Adult Child 1: Acknowledged – don’t let this hiccup dampen your energy level, though!

Adult Child 2: Woo-hoo!

Adult Child 3: Yippee!

Adult Children 1-3: (Grab Dad by the arms and all four trot forward) Wheeee!!!!

Dad: <Gulp>

 30 MINUTES LATER

(On the mile-long line at the main entrance)

Adult Child 1: I don’t believe this!

Dad: What, that there’s a line?  The curse of an overpopulated species, I’m afraid.

Adult Child 1: No, I can’t believe that the line for those of us with pre-paid tickets is longer than the line for unprepared people who are paying now!

Dad: (Looks at both lines and shrugs) One of the great mysteries of life.

 50 MINUTES LATER

(The family emerges into the park proper)

Adult Children 1-3: (Arms raised in triumph) WOOOOO-HOOOOO!!!!!

Adult Child 1: We made it, at last!  (Turns to Dad) So!  What would you like to do first?

Dad: Bathroom.

Adult Child 1: Yeah, me too.  (All four run to stand on lines at the nearest bathrooms)

 20 MINUTES LATER

(The group regroups)

Adult Child 1: So!  What ride should we do first?  (Blank stares in response) All right, let me try this one instead: who’s got the map?

Adult Child 2: Uhhhh….

Adult Child 3: Uhhhh….

Dad: I saw while we were waiting out front that it’s all digital now and you can scan a QR code somewhere.

Adult Child 1: I can’t believe I missed that!

Dad: Understandable: last time we were here was in the 90s.

Adult Child 2: Ah, the 90s.

Dad: Yeah, and Mom was the one who took care of the logistics.

Adult Child 3: Ah, good old Mom.

(They all take off their caps and bow their heads for a moment, then put them back on)

Adult Child 1: All right, I’ll just scan a code then, ummm…. (Looks around a bit) Where is it?

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s one!

(They run to a decorated column)

Adult Child 1: Nope, it’s a menu for this restaurant.

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s another one!

(They run to another decorated column)

Adult Child 1: It’s the entertainment schedule for the day!  (Is tapped on the shoulder by Dad) Where did you get that?!

Dad: (Holding a laminated park map) They had some leftover at the information desk – wanna get lunch first?

Adult Child 1: But we’re missing out on maximum ride utilization!

Dad: The employee there told me wait times are at least half an hour, and I want my buffet brunch.

Adult Child 1: But of course.  (Takes the map and studies it intensely, tracing a finger over it) So, would you like burgers, or… pizza, or… burgers, or….

Dad: (Points to a spot on the map) I would like to go there, please: it’s towards the back of the place so it’s probably not too crowded and it’ll have pretty much the same food as any of the ones around here.

Adult Child 1: (Hands back the map decisively) Sure thing – let’s go!

(Adult Children 1-3 grab Dad by the arms and all four trot forward)

(At buffet brunch, the group enjoys their burgers and pizza)

Adult Child 1: So, you think we should wait a bit before going on a ride since we’re all stuffed?

Dad: (Slurps a soda and shakes head) Probably can go straight to it – the line wait’ll take care of the rest.

Adult Child 1: True.

(A random child in the restaurant has a meltdown and is escorted out by the parents)

Adult Child 2: Awwww, remember when we were like that?

Dad: Vividly: your mother and I didn’t have a true family meal out together for years because one of us always had to take at least one of you outside until the tears stopped.

Adult Child 2: Oh.  Sorry about that.

Dad: Don’t be; it comes with the territory.  Looking back on it, the whole thing seems kinda funny now.

 30 MINUTES LATER

(The group waits on line for a roller coaster)

Adult Child 1: You think we can take turns making bathroom runs while the others keep our place in line?

Dad: I thought you’d never ask.  (Zips to the nearest bathroom line)

Fellow Line Waiter: Hey, no fair!

Adult Child 1: Like you’ve never done it or wish you had!

Fellow Line Waiter: Yeah, all right.

(On the ride, the group is divided into two cars)

Dad: (With Adult Child 1 as they are buckled in by ride attendants) You know, I think it’s been literally decades since I’ve been on one of these things – I’m actually a little nervous.

Adult Child 1: Ah, I wouldn’t; these things are so tame they’re – (Is cut off as the ride accelerates to 100 mph in four seconds and they spend the next two minutes screaming)

(The four stumble off the ride with shaky legs)

Adult Child 2: That was great!  Wanna go on the one that’ll take us upside-down underground and underwater?

Dad: You can if you like – I’m going to the carousel.

Adult Child 1: Right behind you.

Adult Child 2: Isn’t that one more for kids?

Dad: Unless there’s a height or weight requirement, in this place we’re all kids here.

Adult Child 3: Wish my metabolism knew that.

(After a shorter wait in line, the four of them ride artificial animals on the carousel)

Dad: (Gently bobbing up and down on a “horse”) Ahhhh…. (Turns to Adult Child 1 on a “shark”) The premise is so simple, yet the joys are endless.

Adult Child 1: (Staring out in to space) Isn’t that the truth.

 HOURS LATER

(The four begin their trek back to the car as the sun sets; they snack on cotton candy, ice cream, funnel cake, and lemon ice)

Adult Child 1: So bad, and yet so good.

Dad: Such is life.  I’ll probably regret this tomorrow, but right now it’s bliss.

Adult Child 2: So Dad, was this the Best Father’s Day EVER?

Dad: (Chuckles) It’s certainly one of the more memorable ones, but every year is the best, kiddo.

Adult Child 1: Told you he’d say that.

Adult Child 3: So how’re we gonna top this next year?  Get here at 7:30 instead?

Dad: I have an idea for next year.

Adult Children 1-3: Yes?

Dad: You all come over to my place and we hang out at the pool all day long.

Adult Child 1: But we can do that anytime!

Dad: Yes, but since it’d be Father’s Day, you three will be doing the cooking.