Story 538: Trying to Call Out From Work on Mother’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Mother’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: So I’ve been told.

Manager: You’ve also been told that I already gave the day off to the mothers among us, and the rest of you either needed to have requested off three months ago and hope for the best or take another day off to make up for it if you wanted.

Employee: I do recall that.  However, I should make you aware at long last that I, too, am a mother.

Manager: Since when?!

Employee: It has been my private shame these past five years: the Baron refuses to acknowledge not only me, the one true love of his life, but also his 12 illegitimate children, whose presence, if revealed, would divide his estate into so many portions that even his so-called legal heirs would barely get a dime, and the horrendous scandal would tear his country apart.  The least I could get out of this stressful ordeal is one day with my offspring serving me breakfast in bed, don’t you think?

Manager: You’ve had 12 children in five years?

Employee: …There were a few sets of triplets in there.

Manager: You’re still working today.

Employee: OK-OK-fine; if that tragic tale doesn’t move your cold heart to tears, then I must tell you directly: I rescued a gaggle of orphaned goslings last night, and they imprinted on me.

Manager: Really.

Employee: I am now the matriarch of an interspecies family – how can you ask me to walk away from that enormous responsibility on today of all days?!

Manager: Well, I’m not asking.

Employee: Glad we agree.

Manager: I’m telling you directly: if you don’t come into work today, you’ll have all the time you like to mother your feathered children because you won’t be spending it here.

Employee: (Sighs) You leave me no choice, then.

Manager: Here it comes.

Employee: I swore never to reveal this to a single modern soul, but you have pushed me to the brink: my true name is… Eve.

Manager: OK…?

Employee: As in, the Mother of All Humanity.

Manager: Oh, for crying out –

Employee: Peace, my child: I have long since forgiven you and your brethren’s slanderous lies that I am solely responsible for getting us kicked out of Paradise – I seem to recall your Father going along with the fun until we got caught, which is retroactively typical.

Manager: Whatever: you still have an eight-hour shift coming up in 20 minutes.

Employee: All right!  The truth is, I’d promised my mom that I’d request off Mother’s Day this year but then I lost track of time and when I finally remembered it was a week away and I ran out of people who could switch days with me and now she’s gonna give me the disappointed look for the rest of my life!

Manager: Now why didn’t you just lead with that?  I still can’t switch days for you but I know at least one person doesn’t want to work tonight anymore, so if you take their closing shift and they work your mid-shift then you’ll at least get to do brunch or something with your mom today.

Employee: Yes!  That’d be perfect – you’re a lifesaver, thank you!

Manager: You’re welcome.  I gotta make a few phone calls now to set this up, so I’ll see you at 5, OK?

Employee: That’d be swell!  You’re a great “mom” to all of us here, you know that?

Manager: Certainly feels like it.

Story 439: Feel the Burn

 (At a restaurant)

Adult Children: (Raising juice glasses disguised as wine glasses in a toast) Happy Mother’s Day!

Mom: (Raises glass in return) Thank you, children – your affection certainly warms the heart.

(They all pause to take a drink)

Adult Child 1: You sure you don’t want anything else this year?  I mean, this brunch is expensively nice, but we could get you a gift on top of that, you know.

Mom: That’s very sweet, honey, but having you both here with a delicious course of Eggs Benedict and freshly squeezed orange juice is enough – the only other thing I could want is your father back here with us, bless his soul.  (They raise their glasses and drink again) Well!  (Definitively sets down the glass and starts slicing into the waffle) This’ll be my last hurrah for a while: tomorrow I’m going to get off my lazy rear and start that workout routing you recommended.  (Nods at Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Oh, well, that’s only if you really want to get ripped –

Mom: I do, yes.  (Chews vigorously)

Adult Child 2: I have to admit I don’t keep up with it as much as I should, with commuting and working overtime and not wanting to get up early and… yeah.

Mom: (Downs the orange juice) Yes, I have no such excuses: happily retired, and you rugrats flew the coop ages ago, so my extracurricular activities can be rearranged willy-nilly.

Adult Child 1: And anyway, you’re not “lazy” – you’re running around all the time doing stuff.

Mom: You’re confusing Present Me with Past Me from when you were growing up; trust me, I sit around waaaaay too much for anyone’s good now.

Adult Child 1: Well, you deserve it after all those years raising us.

Mom: True, but beside the point.

Adult Child 2: (Chuckles) Would it help if we popped out a few grandkids for you to chase after?

Mom: Don’t tease.  No, starting tomorrow, I will join the ranks of the stay-at-home gym devotees – my life will be changed forever.  (Suddenly looks up at Adult Children) Again.

Adult Child 1: (Raises glass) Cheers to that.  (Sees that the glass is empty) Well that’s awkward.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Mom, wearing exercise clothes and sweat bands, sets up a mat on the living room floor, then uses the television to access the Internet and search for the previously mentioned workout video series)

Mom: (Navigating through the videos) “Advanced,” no…. “Extreme,” no…. “Ultra-Extreme,” blazes no.... Where’s “Ultra-Beginner?”  (Types “beginner” with the series name) Aha!  “Novice Baby Steps” – now that’s my speed.  (Starts the video and stands in readiness)

Host: (Extremely fit) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

Mom: Remains to be seen, but continue.

Host: Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: Uh-oh.

Host: For this set, you’re going to need a mat, a wall for balance, a chair –

Mom: Oh no, hold up!  (Pauses the video, runs to the kitchen, and drags a chair into the living room, dumping the seat cushion onto the couch on the way) OK, go!  (Resumes video)

Host: – anchor chains, a pull-up bar, preferably a monster-truck tire but a regular sedan tire will do –

Mom: WHAT?!

Host: – and a rowboat.  You ready?  Let’s go!

Mom: (Pauses the video) Blaaaaazes no!  That was “beginner”?!  Where’s one with no equipment?  (Searches for “beginner no equipment” in the series) OK, this one looks more promising.  (Starts a new video)

Host: (Wearing the same outfit as in the other video) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!  Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: This feels familiar.

Host: For this set, all you’ll need is a mat and a chair.

Mom: Liar – your title said “No Equipment.”

Host: I know the title said “No Equipment,” but that’s technically true – these are accessories.

Mom: Still.

Host: Now, let’s warm up first!

Mom: Ugh, skip!  (Moves the video progress bar to where the workout begins)

Host: (Shaking limbs loose) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!

Mom: (Shaking limbs loose) Sure.

Host: (Lies face-down on a mat; Mom follows suit) OK, let’s do this!  First up: one-handed push-ups!

Mom: Huh?

Host: (Commences one-handed push-ups) Feel free to stay on your knees for this one, newbs!

Mom: (Shifts to knees) Oh I will.

(After sets of push-ups on each hand, Host jumps up)

Host: Now!  Over to the chair.  (Walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups) Easier than using the floor, am-I-right?

Mom: (Stares in shock) If you say so.

Host: (Flips back off the chair, then does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes!  (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle) This is the basic version of the move you’ll find in my advanced class, where we do this while using our teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight – don’t worry though, you should be ready for that by the time we’re through today!

Mom: Heh?

Host: (Jumps onto feet, then jumps up to grab the blades of a spinning ceiling fan while pulling legs up and down) Now, I forgot to mention earlier – (Spin) you will also need a ceiling fan for this – (Spin) so if you don’t have one – (Spin) feel free to hang the chair from the ceiling – (Spin) the effect’s the same – (Spin) Wheeeeeee!!!!!!

Mom: (Stops the video) I think my children are trolling me.  (Calls Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Hi!  Did you try one of the videos yet?

Mom: No, because they’re meant for Olympian gods.  Have you seriously done any of these?!

Adult Child 2: Well, I started one and it looked good, and I thought I was just out of shape and needed to work my way up to it.

Mom: Work your way up?!  You need to have been at the top and launched into outer space to even start one of these!

Adult Child 2: Oh.  I feel better about the whole thing, then.

Mom: Why did you even suggest these to me?

Adult Child 2: I dunno, they looked cool.

Mom: Whatever; I’m going to search for some good old fashioned boot camp routines and let you know how those are, m’kay?

Adult Child 2: Sounds great, thanks!

Mom: Yeah-bye.  (Disconnects the call, searches videos for several more minutes, then makes a selection)

New Host: Hello, and welcome to your health journey!  Let’s begin with some toe touches to warm ourselves up, then we’ll move onto crunches and leg lifts!

Mom: (Repeatedly touches toes and stands, mirroring the video) Now, this is proper exercise.

Story 391: I Only Want to Buy Some Flowers

 “Happy Mother’s Day!” Friend 1 beamed, handing over a flat of 18 multi-color pansies.

“Oh hon, they’re lovely!” Mom also beamed, admiring the pretty flowers.  “I’ll plant them today!  Thank you so much – I know it’s starting to get past their season, did you have a hard time finding these?”

“Oh, they were no trouble….”

 THE PREVIOUS DAY

 “HELP!”  Friend 1 screeched into the phone.

Friend 2 winced, momentarily holding the phone away: “You sound extremely agitated, so I’m assuming this isn’t too serious.  Help with what?”

“Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and I’m at the store with all the plants and stuff – ”

“A nursery?”

“I guess; that always sounds like a place to shop for babies, though.”

“That’s `cause you’re a weirdo.”

“Anyway, I’m at the transplanted-plant-place and I looked all over the joint five times with a huge cart hitting everything and everyone every time I turn a corner and I can’t find them anywhere!”

“Can’t find what?”

“Oh sorry, thought I said – pansies!”

“Did you ask anyone there for help?”

“They look busy!”

“They want to make money through actual sales, though.”

“It’s too embarrassing to ask now, they’ve seen me pass by 15 times!”

“All right, do you know what pansies look like?”

“Of course I do!”

“….”

“I looked up pictures online before I came here, OK!”

“Another reason to give thanks for technology.”

“Yes-yes, for the clueless people like me!  And I’ve gone around this whole indoor-outdoor set-up 30 times, and I thought I saw them a bunch of times but no, those were petunias, and everywhere I look there’re petunias, and I’m surrounded by petunias, and I don’t need petunias, I need pansies!”

Friend 2 heard a voice in the distance on the other end of the call: “We have some pansies right here, actually.”

“That is one dinky pot that looks like it’s going to fall over and be reabsorbed into the ground at any moment!  I need a flat!  Which I assume means more than one plant!”

“Oh yeah, we usually carry them in sets of 18, but we’re sold out of ones with pansies right now.”

Friend 2 heard a roar begin to grow and interjected: “Listen, if you want to come by I’ll take you to the nursery where I usually get plants, all right?”

“That – !  Sounds wonderful, thank you, bye.”

An hour later, Friend 1’s car arrived at Friend 2’s house; Friend 2 entered the passenger side and saw Friend 1 was covered in dirt and leaves.

“Did you get in a fight there or something?” Friend 2 asked as they drove away.

“I may have gotten a bit turned around in Shrubs and Baby Trees.”

They arrived at another local nursery and parked at the very back of the lot.

“Good, it’s not too crowded right now,” Friend 2 said as they both exited the car.  “And if you just need the one flat then don’t bother with a cart; I’ll carry it while you pay.”

“You don’t know how happy you’ve made me right now.”

As they entered the fringes of the nursery, a busload of horticultural enthusiasts and 40 more cars of panicky last-minute Mother’s Day shoppers arrived and dispersed their contents throughout the property.

Friend 1 tugged on Friend 2’s sleeve: “People!  People!  I’m gettin’ antsy!”

Friend 2 continued scanning the displays: “Calm down, we won’t be here for that long – excuse me?”  An employee with an armful of potting soil bags was stopped.  “Do you have flats of pansies here?”

“Oh yeah, they’re down that way,” the employee head-tilted toward the far end of the outside portion of the nursery as a walkie-talkie burst with static: “Are you coming here with that soil or what?!  I’ve got 500 customers on a line that’s stretched out to the highway, and I’m never gonna get to go on break today, never!”  The employee stress-grinned at Friend 2: “Sorry, I’ve gotta go – ” head-tilted toward the cash register section.

“Understood.”

Friend 1 glared at Friend 2: “While I admire your initiative, a vague direction in a sea of leaves and petals is hardly helpful.”

“It’s better than wandering around out here for the next half-hour with nothing to show for it – come on.”

They followed the winding paths through roses, hydrangeas, and willows, searching for the tell-tale bright colors with faces peeking through the petals.

Spinning around in a circle, Friend 1 wailed “I don’t see them!” before suddenly sitting down on a brick pathway in the middle of the tomato plants.

Friend 2 surveyed the area with narrowed eyes: “Yes, this appears not to be the category of flora we’re looking for.”

“I told you they’re too busy to ask – we got sent the wrong way in a panic!”

Friend 2 grabbed Friend 1’s arm and lifted, walking them back to the main entrance: “So, we’ll just ask someone else for help.”

“NO!” Friend 1 began to run through thorny bushes toward the parking lot.  “I won’t be sucked into this horrible snare of displaced Nature any farther!  I’m going to buy a cake or a bag of coffee or a spatula instead, anything to get me out of this fake forest biome, Mom’ll understand!”

Friend 2 grabbed the back of Friend 1’s shirt and pointed to a display next to the greenhouse they were passing: “The pansy flats are right there.”

Friend 1 blinked down at the flowers: “Well, whaddya know.”

They scooped up the booty and stood on line for 45 minutes.

“You know,” Friend 2 said while shifting the flat again to a more comfortable position, “this experience wouldn’t have been so bad if you hadn’t waited until the day before Mother’s Day to buy the #1 gift for mothers.”

“Could’ve been worse,” Friend 1 said, staring at the register in the far distance.

“How so?”

“Could’ve been day of.”

Eventually, they reached the counter and the cashier rang them up: “That’ll be $89.03, please.”

“For a flat of $1 flowers?!”  Friend 2 nearly dropped said flat.

“No,” the cashier said as Friend 1 shifted to the side, “there’re also all these.”  The cashier gestured to the lawn gnomes, bird houses, and garden spinners piled onto the counter.

It was Friend 2’s turn to glare as Friend 1 said, “Hey, they don’t call them impulse buys for nothing.”

“Then you can certainly impulse buy and impulse carry them to the car!”

They dumped everything into Friend 1’s car and slowly entered the stream of traffic exiting the parking lot.

“This is why I never do errands on weekends!” Friend 1 shouted out the window while leaning on the horn.  “Mom’d better appreciate the sacrifices I make for her!  The ordeals I go through for one lousy plant – !”  Friend 2 took Friend 1’s hand off the horn.

“Remind me to not join you next time you need to buy a plant present.”

“Don’t worry, I’ve got it all figured out now,” Friend 1 said through gritted teeth while nearly hitting a cherub statue and several trellises: “EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL!!!”

 THE FOLLOWING DAY

Friend 1’s smile at Mom widened.

“No trouble at all.”