Story 647: End of Regular Summer, Start of Local Summer

             (On the phone)

Friend 1: Hi there!

Friend 2: Hey – just checking if you want to meet up sometime during Labor Day weekend?  You’re off at least one of those days, right?

Friend 1: Just Sunday this year – the irony of working on a holiday specifically called “Labor Day” has slapped me in the face yet again, but I suppose I brought this on myself by remaining in the wonderful world of retail.

Friend 2: Is it more supportive if I boycott where you work that day, or if I spend money there to keep you all employed?

Friend 1: Eh – can’t speak for my coworkers, but I get time-and-a-half either way so makes no difference to me if I’m bored or frazzled while I’m at it.

Friend 2: I’ll just come and visit you, then.

Friend 1: Appreciate it.  I still can’t believe it’s Labor Day already.

Friend 2: Yeah, I know what you mean: there goes another summer for the books.

Friend 1: Uh-huh.  Another summer, out the window.

Friend 2: Hm.

Friend 1: Down the drain.

Friend 2: Hmmm….

Friend 1: Closer to death.

Friend 2: OK, that’s enough: you wanna meet up on Sunday for brunch or one last go at the amusement park or what?

Friend 1: Yeah, I’ll say “Nah” for going anywhere this weekend – everyone else’ll still be there, and I can’t stand everyone else.

Friend 2: Fine: maybe we’ll do something later in the month when it’s Local Summer, all right?

Friend 1: What’s that?

Friend 2: What’s what?

Friend 1: “Local Summer”.  I thought it was summer for everyone this side of the Equator, not just locally.

Friend 2: What?  Wait, you never heard of Local Summer before?

Friend 1: Should I have?

Friend 2: I dunno, I thought it was one of those things everyone knows about.

Friend 1: Then I guess my ignorance is showing, just in time for Back to School.  So, what is it?

Friend 2: Well, you know how everywhere you go, The Shore is jam-packed with tourists every day from Memorial Day to Labor Day?

Friend 1: Yes.  That’s why I never go to The Shore unless I’m staying overnight and can walk everywhere.  And only once a year, because that’s all I can take of that chaos.

Friend 2: So, Local Summer is when the tourists all have gone back to wherever they came from, but the weather’s still decent and a lot of summer stuff’s still open, so the locals now actually get to enjoy their own towns.

Friend 1: Huh.  Makes sense, I guess.  But we’re not technically locals, you know.

Friend 2: We’re close enough: our license plates are from the same state and we know how to behave – we’ll be welcomed with open arms.

Friend 1: Cool.  But the beaches’ll all be closed, right?

Friend 2: Well, there’ll be no lifeguards so you can’t go swimming, but you can still walk around and hang out on them which is what you’d do anyway.

Friend 1: True.

Friend 2: And at that point, they’ll be free!

Friend 1: You just said the magic word.

Friend 2: Parking won’t be free until mid-October –

Friend 1: Darn.

Friend 2: – but we’ll actually be able to find a spot that’s not five miles away from where we want to go, so there’s that.

Friend 1: Sweet.  OK, I’m in – have any place in mind?

Friend 2: I was thinking ------- -------.

Friend 1: I’ve never been anywhere near that place before January or after March – the crowds surrounding it otherwise prevent me from getting too close.

Friend 2: Well, by mid-September, that should no longer be an issue. 

MID-SEPTEMBER 

(Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat as they arrive at ------- ------- in record time with no real traffic; Friend 1 glides the car right into a parking spot on the street near the boardwalk, in the middle of everything they want to visit)

Friend 1: (As they both exit the car, starts spinning around in circles in wonder while heading to the sidewalk) I don’t understand – where is everybody –

(On the nearly-empty beach)

Friend 1: Where is everybody?!

(On the nearly-empty boardwalk)

Friend 1: WHERE IS EVERYBODY???!!!

Friend 2: Back at home, at school, at work – all that matters is: not here.  (Points to the nearly-empty amusement park section on the boardwalk) Wanna go on the spinning teacups first or the roller coaster first?

Friend 1: YES!

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 ride all the rides with no lines, then eat all the boardwalk food they want with no wait, then play multiple rounds of miniature golf with no parties of 10 before or after them, then run up and down the beach with no sunbathers blocking their way, and then walk to all the local shops in town with hardly any shoppers to maneuver around)

Friend 1: (As they both stroll along the quiet main avenue, eating ice cream that was served a minute after they walked into the shop) You know, I think I’m starting to prefer Local Summer to Regular Ol’ Summer.

Friend 2: I figured you would.

Friend 1: It’s just so… (Looks around the mellow shore town) peaceful.  A few weeks ago, it was probably so stuffed with mayhem that I would’ve had a silent meltdown, but now, this is what it always should be like: tranquil, mild, calm, soothing, all those relaxing adjectives that summer’s supposed to represent.

Friend 2: I bet.  (Crunches on the rest of an ice cream cone)

Friend 1: (Throws away a used napkin into a nearby trash can) You know, I think we should spend our summers here, after everybody else’s summer, from now on; not a care in the world; let that summer feeling last past August 31 even though it’s technically summer for another three weeks; whaddya say?

Friend 2: That’s fine, but I should let you know that the downside to Local Summer starting in September is that the Sun pretty much goes away around 7:00 –

Friend 1: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Story 602: Labor Day = End of Summer Fun

 SUNDAY, AUGUST 24

 (In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk along a very uneven moderate-level trail)

Friend 2: (Pointing to a branching trail) Hey, want to try that one out this time?

Friend 1: (Glances briefly at a trail map) Nah, it leads to the main road, and also’ll take forever to get back to the parking lot; neither scenario I want to deal with, ever.

Friend 2: Oh.  OK.

Friend 1: Feel free to do it without me, though.

Friend 2: (Mildly sarcastic) Maybe another time, thanks.

Friend 1: (Completely serious) But of course.

(They walk for a few minutes in silence)

Friend 2: I can’t believe next week’s September already.

Friend 1: (Through gritted teeth) Don’t remind me.

Friend 2: I can’t believe next Monday is Labor Day.

Friend 1: As.  I.  Said.

Friend 2: Do you have off this year?

Friend 1: (Unclenches teeth) Shockingly, yes.  I think my manager either feels sorry for me working almost every holiday for years and is finally trying to make up for it, or just forgot to put me on that day.

Friend 2: That’s great!  I’d say we should meet up, but I’ll be away with my family for a really-late summer vacation that weekend – do you have any plans?

Friend 1: Nope: I try to make as few of my fellow workers as possible work on Labor Day.

Friend 2: Aw, that’s sweet.

Friend 1: Patronizing bourgeoisie.

Friend 2: So, you just going to relax at home all day?

Friend 1: Probably, in-between mourning summer’s passing.  I’d invite you to the funeral, but it seems you’re already booked.

Friend 2: Summer’s still around for another month.

Friend 1: No, summer is over with Labor Day.  If you haven’t noticed, Back-To-School is everywhere!

Friend 2: We don’t go to school anymore.

Friend 1: And yet, the sadness and anxiety of leaving summer fun behind and facing almost 10 months of judgment for almost 20 years remains.  You don’t get over something like that.

Friend 2: Well, I sure did – present everyday work anxiety is enough for me to not revisit past ones.  Besides, I thought you liked fall, and apple picking, and Halloween –

Friend 1: (Stops and turns on Friend 2) Don’t say the “H” world before September, I won’t stand for it!

Friend 2: (Continues walking as Friend 1 follows again) Jeez.  That’s everywhere now too, in case you haven’t noticed.

Friend 1: I regretfully have.  And I do like all that stuff, in their proper place and not encroaching on my days of lemonade and flip-flops.

Friend 2: Well, we’ve still got a whole week of August left for all that.

Friend 1: (Stops walking again; Friend 2 also stops) Do we?  Let’s examine the evidence.  (Briefly spreads arms out wide to take in the sky) For instance: this light… is all wrong.

Friend 2: (Looks around) It’s afternoon.

Friend 1: It’s fall light.  The angle’s all wrong for a summer day, and lately sunset is way too early for my liking.

Friend 2: It’s not completely dark until 8:00.

Friend 1: I prefer 9.  And what about that sudden, creeping chill in the air, hm?  Hm??!!

Friend 2: (Starts walking again; Friend 1 also starts again) Whatever: go to a beach or a pool or lie in the shade doing nothing, just please have fun on your last summer day that you actually don’t have to work, all right?

Friend 1: No promises. 

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 1 

(On a beach, Friend 2 relaxes in a chair facing the waves and surrounded by other chairs, umbrellas, several family members playing in the sand, employees removing their companies’ chairs and umbrellas, lifeguards whistling and yelling at swimmers not to go near the rocks, and seagulls stealing junk food they really should not be eating, then takes out a cellphone and places a call)

Friend 1: (Answers while lying on a beach chair in the grass somewhere) I thought you were on a vacation getaway with the fam.

Friend 2: I am – figured while we’re at the beach one last time, I’d check in on how you’re doing on this glorious summer’s day.

Friend 1: Cute.  Well, you’ll be happy to know I sort-of took your advice and am currently lounging near the shore of a local pond, watching the ducks swimming nowhere fast, reading my book, sipping my lemonade, and otherwise doing absolutely nothing.

Friend 2: (Sniffs exaggeratedly) I’m so proud of you.

Friend 1: I’m also doing my utmost best not to remember that Labor Day is the absolute earliest it can ever be on September 1 this year – (Friend 2 ends the call; Friend 1 sets down the phone and sips some lemonade while watching the ducks swim by) You’re right: no point in both of us being bummed out.

Story 553: Laboring on Labor Day

             “Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh….”

“What are you all stretched out smugly on the couch for?”

“Oh, just reveling in the fact that for the first time in more than 10 years, I get Labor Day off from work.  The actual day, mind you – not some pity day later in the week when fall has unofficially started, no: the actual day.  The last day of lifeguarded pools and beaches is mine, all mine, mwahahahahaha!”

“We already agreed to host Labor Day barbecue at our house this year.”

“…Drat.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *       

            “You know, it’s a real bummer that no matter what the holiday, some of us still have to clock in like it’s a regular ol’ work day.  I made my peace years ago with losing Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Memorial Day, Juneteenth, Fourth of July, my birthday, my partner’s birthday, my children’s birthdays, and World Chocolate Day, but losing Labor Day on top of all those especially sticks in my craw for some reason.  I think it’s the irony of the whole situation, that even on a day specifically designated to give laborers a break, some of us still have to work regardless, or else life as we know it falls apart.  I don’t think I’ll ever stop being bitter about it.”

“Mm-hmm: will you be closing up the incision on this patient now, Doctor, or would you like me to do it?”

“Nah, I got it.  Livin’ the dream, am-I-right?!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I can’t believe I have to spend Labor Day helping people with trying on every piece of clothing we have in the store, and then cleaning up the disgusting messes they leave behind that somehow are more than they brought in with them, plus trying to set up autumn and Halloween displays in-between policing the dressing rooms and the even-filthier restrooms, when I could be relaxing on a deck chair next to an inground pool while barbecue sizzles behind me and impish children roughhouse around me.  It’s just not fair.”

“I thought you weren’t invited to any barbecues this year – that’s why you volunteered to work on Labor Day in the first place?”

“It’s the principle of the thing!”

             *         *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I’ve finally made it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I finally have a job that actually gives us Labor Day off.”

“That’s great!  You’ve been wanting that for years, and it’s happened at last!  Congratulations on the paid holiday!”

“Thanks!”

“So, what’re your big plans for your well-deserved three-day weekend, so long overdue?  It’s the last unofficial day of summer – you can do anything you want, absolutely anything!”

“You’re right!  The world is my oyster, and I can seize the entire day until it’s completely dried up!”

“Exactly!  What adventures will you embark on joyously that day, then?”

“…I have no idea.”

Story 456: Did Not Expect This Meeting to Go in That Direction

(In a private office, Manager sits at the desk straightening random pieces of paper when there is a knock on the door)

Manager: Come on in!  (Employee enters with a swagger) Have a seat!  (Manager gestures to the chair in front of the desk)

Employee: Thanks.  (Strolls over to the chair and sits extremely casually)

Manager: So!  (Folds hands on the desk) You’re probably wondering why I asked that we meet today.

Employee: (Glances to the left of Manager while resting an arm on the back of the chair) Well, since there’s an H.R. rep. joining us –

H.R. Rep.: (Standing to the left of Manager) Howdy.

Employee: – I assume it’s about the supervisor position I applied for.

Manager: Oh yeah, everyone applied for that – if I wasn’t already as far as I could go in this piddling department, I’d’ve applied for it myself, heh-heh-heh.

Employee: Heh-heh, yeeeeaaaahhh…. (Checks fingernails and sighs in contentment) Soooo…?

Manager: Hm?  Oh, right: as you probably guessed by now, you didn’t get it.

Employee: (Jaw drops open and everything droops) What?!  Why not?!

Manager: I’m not legally obligated to tell you that.

Employee: Then as a favor from one human being to another!  I meet all the requirements for the job, I’ve been with the company for over 15 years, I even work overtime without being asked – what else could you all possibly be looking for that I don’t already have?!

Manager: Well….

H.R. Rep.: Allow me to step in here.

Manager: (Relieved) Please do.

H.R. Rep.: (Steps closer to Employee, who instinctively leans back in the chair) Frankly, it’s not us or the position requirements: it’s you.

Employee: (Blinks a few times) I don’t follow.

H.R. Rep.: This new role would have you supervising 20 of your current coworkers and, to be blunt, none of them like you.

Employee: That’s ridiculous!  I get along with everybody!

H.R. Rep.: (Consults a tablet) There’ve been several complaints lodged against you in the past few years –

Employee: Which were resolved amicably and we all work together splendidly now!  Some of my best friends are my coworkers!

H.R. Rep.: There’s a complaint currently in progress that was lodged right before you applied for the new position.

Employee: That one’s just being a pill – I should be the one lodging a complaint against… what’s-their-name, for wasting my time!

H.R. Rep.: (Consults the tablet again) You’ve also been written up at regular intervals for “inappropriate use of company equipment.”

Employee: What on Earth does that even mean?!

H.R. Rep.: Using the company’s Wi-Fi network to check your social media accounts and shop online.

Employee: Oh.  Well, when else am I supposed to do all that when I’m always working overtime?!

Manager: (Leans forward) No one asked you to!

Employee: (Leans forward) I’M A GOOD TEAM PLAYER!

H.R. Rep.: Speaking of which – (Consults the tablet again) you’ve been noted on several annual evaluations to basically leave coworkers on group projects to do your work in addition to theirs while you go off on frequent vacations or say you’re too busy doing what turns out to be lower priority tasks.

Employee: …It was just that one time!

Manager: It’s been every time!

Employee: (Points finger at Manager) Listen: I am extremely busy, I have so many plates in the air, who are you to tell me – (Points finger at self) what’s “high” and “low” priority?!

Manager: As your manager, it is literally my job to tell you what to do!

Employee: (Raises an eyebrow and leans back again while muttering) Pushy.

H.R. Rep.: (Consults the tablet again) You also –

Employee: Not to interrupt, but I’m going to anyway: if you’re just going to list my supposed sins and go on about how suddenly no one wants to work with me, with the bottom line being I’m still not getting the position, then I have better things to do right now and a concert ticket sale for which I am losing my spot in the queue with every passing second!

H.R. Rep.: (Shares a look with Manager) Yeah, the other part of this meeting is: the new position requires more from the department’s budget, so we have to cut a full-time employee to make up for that and decided you’re it.

Employee: (Glares at both of them for several moments) Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

Manager: (Stands; Employee does the same) You’ll have two weeks to finish up any outstanding projects and leave notes for all the others who have to pick up whatever slack you haven’t already left them, so don’t spend that time – (Leans over to read from the tablet H.R. Rep. holds out) catfishing people on dating sites, or running your online poker tournament, or cyberbullying the temps into doing your monthly reports for you!

Employee: (Sneers at both while heading to the door) Oh, you know I’m gonna!

H.R. Rep.: Well that certainly makes this decision much easier – we may need to have Security escort you out, then.

Employee: Good, I need the excitement in my life!

H.R. Rep.: Oh, and one more thing –

Employee: (Hand on the doorknob) What now?!

H.R. Rep.: As you're still technically a current employee, I’m required to wish you a Happy Labor Day Weekend.

Employee: …Yeah, you too.