Story 543: Trying to Call Out From Work on Father’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, you’re never gonna believe this –

Manager: I bet I won’t.

Employee: –  but I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Father’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: I thought last time you said Mother’s Day was the second biggest sales day?

Manager: Turns out I was mistaken.  I’m big enough to admit I’m wrong when I’m caught.

Employee: Good on you.  Anyways, just letting you know, I’m taking today off.

Manager: No you’re not: you’re scheduled on alternating hours covering the front register and customer service desk to handle all the last-minute panicking guilt-ridden adult children.

Employee: I thought you might say that, so I counter that offer with my willingness to work on Labor Day instead, even though its very existence implies that I shouldn’t have to by law.

Manager: It’s not an offer; it’s the non-negotiable schedule that’s been up for weeks – don’t tell me you forgot to request off super-early again like you did for Mother’s Day?

Employee: …OK, I won’t tell you.

Manager: You’re a real piece of work.  And no one else can switch with you for today, is that it?

Employee: Would you believe me if I told you I forgot to ask anyone until this morning?

Manager: Yes.

Employee: Well, there’s your answer.

Manager: Then I’m not too sorry to say there’ll be no last-minute saves with shift-switching today like we were able to pull off last time, so you’re stuck working most of the afternoon and all night.  I pity your dad, you know: there’s no way you’re calling out today unless you send over a doctor’s note that you’re violently ill within the next 20 minutes.

Employee: A doctor’s note, eh?  <COUGH-COUGH>

Manager: And don’t think I won’t be able to tell if it’s something you just whipped up on your home computer.

Employee: Oh.  I retract those coughs, then.

Manager: So you’re still coming in today, yes?

Employee: (Sighs) Unfortunately, although it pains my very soul to do so, yes I’m still coming in today.  I just will have to tearfully explain to my beloved father that his beloved child has been forced by a cruel manager and the unfeeling forces of capitalism to spend precious hours serving idle consumerists instead of showing my appreciation of him being the World’s #1 Dad, that’s all.

Manager: Wonderful.  I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but if it’s any consolation he can commiserate with my father on what awful children they have.

Employee: How so?

Manager: I lost track of the Sundays in June and wound up scheduling myself today, too.

Story 473: When the Child You Raise Is You

(In a tiny apartment, Parent Self is stirring a pot of stew on the stove while loud music is blaring in the background)

Parent Self: You know, it hasn’t been easy.  You try to teach yourself right; you tell yourself, “This is what you have to do to get somewhere in life; this is what you need to sacrifice; this is how hard you have to work to make something of yourself.”  And, it’s as if I haven’t said a single word.  To myself.

Child Self: (Slumps in from the living room, appearing exactly the same as Parent Self but much shabbier) Oh hey – (Gestures to the pot) don’t bother with that; already ordered takeout.

Parent Self: (Stares at Child Self) This stew is extremely better for us than takeout.

Child Self: I know, but that’s also, you know, work.  Pay someone else to do it.  (Slumps back into the living room)

Parent Self: (Sighs as the pot disappears) I sometimes wonder why I still bother trying.

(That evening, Child Self is sprawled across the living room couch watching a movie and eating messily from a takeout container when Parent Self starts vacuuming)

Child Self: (With mouth full, pausing the video) Do you have to do that now?!

Parent Self: (Shuts off the vacuum cleaner; says sweetly) I’m sorry, was I interrupting something important?

Child Self: (Sheepishly) No….

Parent Self: Well then.  (Resumes vacuuming)

Child Self: But why now?!

Parent Self: (Turns off the vacuum again) The time scheduled to clean this place appears to be “Never,” so “Now” is as good a time as any at this point.

Child Self: I was gonna get around to it!  Eventually!

Parent Self: (Nods) Yeah, that method tends to result in you actually doing the chore, or project, or promise an average of two years after the thought first enters our head.  (Sets aside the vacuum cleaner and begins wiping dust off everything)

Child Self: (Grumbles while fumbling with the video controls) Nag.

Parent Self: (Whirls around) Excuse me?!

Child Self: Your expectations for our behavior are ridiculously high!  We actually work at an actual job all day, and commute almost an hour each way surrounded by horrible horribles, so when we finally do get home from that soul-sucking experience, I wanna relax!  It’s only fair – what more do you want from our life?!

Parent Self: Listen: I didn’t bust our butt through all those years of school and all those extracurricular activities trying to make some kind of a success of our life, just to watch you spectacularly fail to launch ever since and instead spend hours and hours uselessly prone upon the couch watching drivel and eating garbage!

Child Self: Well, what else am I supposed to do 9:00 at night?!

Parent Self: …Find the cure to cancer!  (Begins vacuuming again as Child Self rolls eyes and resumes the video)

(At a restaurant, Child Self and Parent Self sit at a table across from Date)

Date: So, I had a great time tonight!  This was fun; I haven’t gone out on one of these in a long while.

Child Self: Me neither; guess life got in the way, huh?

Parent Self: (Turns slightly away) Hmf!

Child Self: (Mutters) What was that?

Parent Self: Oh, nothing.  Just mildly surprised to hear the implication that we’ve been too busy for something, that’s all.

Server: (Places the bill on the middle of the table) Whenever you’re ready, but we close in 20 minutes.  (Immediately leaves)

Parent Self: (Snatches the bill) Now let’s see what we can’t afford tonight….

Child Self: (Snatches the bill and addresses Date) Actually, I was thinking just for tonight we could split it –

Parent Self: (Snatches the bill back) Actually, you know better that since we were the one who invited this charming individual out tonight, we should be the one to pay the entire bill.

Child Self: (Tries to snatch the bill back but Parent Self holds on this time; they begin to tug-of-war it) It was a mutual ask-out, not an invite, and we can’t exactly pay the entire bill right now!

Parent Self: Well maybe that wouldn’t be an issue if you hadn’t kept ordering things we don’t need!

Date: It’s OK, I don’t mind treating you to dinner tonight –

Parent and Child Self: You stay out of this!

Date: (Blows air through cheeks, takes out a wallet, and places money on the table as the others’ struggle continues) Here: this should cover the tip; thanks for dinner and see you – whenever.  (Hustles out the door)

Child Self: (As both let the bill drop onto the table) Oh.  I think we just got dumped before we were even officially dating.

Parent Self: Sounds about par for our course.

(Back at the apartment on a weeknight, Parent Self is folding laundry while sitting on the couch next to Child Self; the latter is sprawled out again while scrolling through a phone, forever falling down the Internet rabbit hole)

Parent Self: I try, and I try – and I really don’t like what we’ve become.

Child Self: (Laughs hysterically at the screen) Genius!  Another dopamine rush to the brain – whoosh!  (To Parent Self) Oh, you can just throw all that stuff in the closet – just gonna wear `em out again anyway, what’s the point?

Parent Self: (As the laundry basket disappears) I was thinking it would be a good idea to take up running again, maybe early in the morning or after work, like when we did track in high school?

Child Self: (Thinks for a few moments) Yeah, those were fun times; we were in the best shape of our life then.

Parent Self: Yes.  Yes we were.

Child Self: (Thinks for a few seconds more, then turns off the phone) Nah: don’t feel like it; too much effort.  Sleepy now.  (Rolls over and falls asleep)

Parent Self: (Stares at Child Self) The struggle is ongoing, but a parent never gives up on a child.  Even when that child is yourself.

Story 392: Pre-Celebrity I.T. Webinar

 (Coworkers stream into a conference room that is set up with rows of tables and computers and a large screen at the front facing them, sitting wherever they find an empty place)

Coworker 1: (Quietly to Coworker 2 as they sign into computers next to each other) I can’t believe they’re making us stay here for an hour and a half – an hour and a half! – to learn about a system we already use.  And I never use it!

Coworker 2: I heard there’re updates and it’s supposed to be easier to use now.

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Please.  Any update is automatically harder, and this whole thing today could’ve been sent to us in two slides.

Coworker 2: (Leans in confidentially) You know what I heard?

Coworker 1: Obviously not.

Coworker 2: They got Ryan in I.T. to do the webinar for this, right before he quit to become Ryan --------, Hollywood Celebrity.

Coworker 1: …So this is pre-recorded?!  Another waste of my time!

Coworker 2: So?  Isn’t it cool we get one last class from Ryan, before, you know, he became Ryan?  He was so funny when I’d get him on the phone with the help desk, and I love him in his new movie!

Coworker 1: (Mutters at the computer screen) I hate that guy.

Coworker 2: Huh?

Coworker 1: He still owes me money for Josie’s retirement gift.

Coworker 2: That was three years ago.

Coworker 1: (Looks at Coworker 2) Yeah, and he thinks I forgot, but I didn’t!  (Back to the screen) I never forget.

Coworker 2: Whatever – I still think this is so cool!

(The course proctor heads over to the main computer by the large screen)

Proctor: Hello everybody, thank you for coming to the training class today, let’s get started.  (While setting up the video to display on the screen) This mandatory class that none of you can wiggle out of taking will show you the new features in the system, but you’re also in for a special treat: this was the last webinar that our very own “star,” Ryan -------- recorded before he left us to embark on a little something called a movie career….

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 3: Yeah Ry-an!

Coworker 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

Proctor: So, without further ado, here’s our local success story giving his contractually obligated training session on “Orders 2.0.”  (Starts the video which shows actions on a computer screen as links are selected and data are entered)

Ryan’s Voice: Welcome everyone, to “Orders 2.0”; I’m Ryan --------, I.T. Specialist, although not for much longer as you may have heard by now, heh-heh-heh.

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 1: [Gags]

Ryan’s Voice: So, after you log into this thing – whoops – (Takes several attempts to log in) too many passwords nowadays, am-I-right?

Attendees: [Loudly laugh]

Coworker 1: For amateurs, maybe!

Ryan’s Voice: (Finally logs in) Right, aaaaand – select this option here for Test Mode, and then enter the code I’m typing now, and that brings you to here.... Still a busy screen, I know, but they’re workin’ on it.

Coworker 4: You’re doing your best, Ryan!

Coworker 1: (Leans toward Coworker 2) They know he can’t hear them, right?

Coworker 2: You just did the same thing a minute ago.

Coworker 1: I – (Closes mouth suddenly in memory and sits back upright)

Ryan’s Voice: OK, so now we’re going to simulate creating an order for an extremely high amount so I can show you the process for big ticket items, something like, I don’t know, how about a pool for the East Quad, sound good?

Attendees: [Cheer, clap, and whistle]

Coworker 5: East Quaaad!

Coworker 1: Weirdos.

Ryan’s Voice: So, that’ll bust the budget and need lots of approvals, and let’s see if we can even find a vendor for it…. (Begins searching the list when a strange ringtone on the video goes off) Huh… shoot, sorry, gotta take this – hello?  Hey Samir, thanks for getting back to me so fast, what’s the offer now?... Twenty million?!  Holy –

Proctor: (Starts advancing the video) I’m so sorry – no one actually watched this beforehand, we just assumed….

Coworker 1: Hey, if he’s got $20 million now then maybe he can cough up 15 bucks to pay what he owes me!

Proctor: – and here should be good.  (Resumes the video)

Ryan’s Voice: – dude, I said, “No nudity” –

Attendees: Whoooooo!!!

Proctor: (Advancing again) Sorry!  Sorry!  (Softly while watching the screen) I am so going to be fired.

Ryan’s Voice: – gotta go, I’m trying to wrap up a webinar I gotta do for work, then I can finally say “Buh-bye” to this dumpster fire of a job –

Coworker 3: Heh, he’s got that right.

Ryan’s Voice: `K, `K, gotta go, bye!... Oh shoot, this thing’s still recording…. Ah, forget it, I’ll just tell `em to edit out 15 minutes.

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) Clearly, he didn’t tell `em.

Ryan’s Voice: Aaaaaaaaaaand.... (The mouse whirls around the screen a while) right, ordering a pool, sweet.  So, you’d select the budget range of, I dunno, $50 grand and up?  Yeah, let’s do that, go all out, why not?

Coworker 4: Livin’ the dream, Ryan!

Attendees: [Cheer]

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) How does one sign an eye roll so that the whole room can see it?

Coworker 2: I think you would just do it.

Coworker 1: Well that’s just limited range.

Coworker 5: Ssh, please?  I can’t hear Ryan!

(Coworker 2 prevents Coworker 1 from lunging over the table at Coworker 5)

Ryan’s Voice: – and you’d have to get approval from everybody all the way up to – (Strange ringtone again) Just a sec…. Hey, Raquel!  Did they send those scripts yet?... I dunno, I took some French in high school so maybe I could learn a made-up language….

Proctor: I’m so sorry – (Goes to advance the video again)

Coworker 6: Wait, I wanna hear if this is for that movie he’s filming now; it’d be so cool if it is!

Proctor: You all have to take an hour and a half for this class, and so far this seems to have about 20 minutes usable material, so, no!

Coworker 1: We won’t tell if you won’t!

Ryan’s Voice: – is it anything like Tolkien’s Elvish stuff, `cause that’d be neat?... More like the Orkish stuff?  Whatever, I’m game –

Proctor: Skip!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – were we?... Approvals, right.  So you enter your department name – (Buzzing sound on the video) …Oh no, they changed the flight to 5 a.m.?  Ooh, first class, not too shabby –

Proctor: Argh!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – worked with Boys & Girls Clubs of America for a while anyway so this’ll be perfect, I can really help out even more now –

Proctor: Ergh! (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – trainer’s coming over tomorrow so she’ll see I can bench almost 300 lbs now –

Attendees: Oooooooh!

Proctor: Grrrrrr…. (Advances 20 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – snowboarding next weekend, I gotta go for real now, `K, bye!... OK!  Soooooo, Approvals.  Right.  Aaaaaand… click here… type this… click “Submit,” and boom.  Pool.  Well, if you get all the approvals, and if they don’t want you to hold a bidding war first, and this still could take months and sometimes years even if everything goes right…. Wow, looks like our hour and a half is up, so that’s it for “Orders 2.0,” Class!  Usually this’d be the time for questions but I was told to record it instead of doing it live in case you all’d start getting, quote-unquote, off-topic; my e-mail account’s gonna be deactivated in about an hour so if you do have any relevant questions, don’t send them to me because as of 3:30 p.m. today, I no longer have to pretend to care about messed-up networks and poorly maintained hardware ever again!  Good luck, it’s been nice working with you all, and see you on the big screen, yay!  (The video ends abruptly)

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 2: Aw, he said it was nice working with us!

Coworker 1: He has to fake-love everyone now – that’s the payment for his new life of glamor.

Proctor: (Quickly shutting down the main computer and the large screen) Once again, I apologize for the lack of applicable content in this video – we’ll send out an e-mail when this class has been rescheduled.

Attendees: [Massive groan]

Coworker 3: Can you e-mail just the audio portion of this one to us?  We wanna hear the rest that we missed.

Proctor: Absolutely not!  (Storms out in a panic to destroy all files of the presentation)

Coworker 2: (As the attendees slowly proceed out of the conference room) That stinks we still have to take the class, but this was pretty fun anyway.

Coworker 1: I guess.  I still hate him, but I have to admire his ability to achieve escape velocity from this gravity well of a company.

Coworker 2: Mighty big of you to say so.

Coworker 1: Yeah… you think he’d give me an autograph?

Story 248: Stress Reading

            “So, now that he’s transferred to Corporate, you’re going to have to do his work on top of your own.  In the same number of hours each day, with no overtime.  And no pay raise.”

            “…OK.”
            “But only until they hire somebody to replace him.  Which could take a few months.  Or a few years – need to find the right person, right?”

            “Right.”

          “`Course they could always decide you’re doing such a good job with both positions that there’s no point in hiring someone else.  Saves them money, and all that.  It’s happened in other departments, you know.”

            “I know.”

            “Welp, that’s about it.  Let me know if you need anything!”

            “[Whimper]”

            The stairs descended into the depths of the subterranean cavern – darkness enveloped her, leaving her defenseless against whatever horrors lay in wait below.  Her hearing then kicked into overdrive, and she realized: something enormous, breathing, was THERE….

            “You still have a few years to pay off your loans, but I wanted to let you know that interest rates went up again.”

            “Did they?”

            “Yeah, so your monthly payments also went up by…$300.  Guess no summer vacation again this year, huh?”

            “Guess not.”

         He leaned closer to the screen to read the headline: “SMITH FAMILY JEWELS STOLEN!”  He scanned through the article twice to make sure the family described was the same family he had just finished drawing up wills for, then wheeled himself to the file cabinet to find the documents that he knew would reveal – the Smith Family had affirmed there were no family jewels!

            “We found out his cancer’s back, and it’s not looking good.”

            “Oh no, that’s terrible!”

           “Yeah, and insurance can’t cover that much, so we’re probably soon going to lose both him and our life savings.  And they wonder why people lose their faith.”

            “I know.  I wish I could do something to help.”

            “It’s OK.  So, how’ve you been lately?”

            “…Fine.”

            “We meet at last, nemesis.”

            “Quite.  I have been looking forward to defeating you for a long time, my foe.”

            “Once I have destroyed you, the world will be mine!”

            “Not so fast!  Once I have destroyed you, the world will be mine!”

            “Wait a minute, I thought you were the good guy?”

            “Blazes no, I’m the villain.”

            “But I’m the villain!”

            “So where’s the good guy?”

            “I’m not gonna keep doing this if there’s no good guy!”

            “I know, right?  There’s really no point then.”

            “You’ve been reading a lot lately – did you go back to school or something?”

            “No, it just helps me relax.  I’ve had a lot of stress.”

            “Oh.  Why not watch some TV?  Helps me zone right out.”

            “Personal preference.”

            “`K.  Is it really helping with the stress?”

           “Surprisingly, yes.  My own problems seem small when the fate of the fictional world is at stake.”

            No matter who tries to stop me, no matter how many say it cannot be done, I will not rest in the quest to be the best Prime Minister this country has ever had!

            “You just did it again, didn’t you?”

            “Can’t help it now: it’s no longer a luxury, it’s a need.”