Story 638: What Can I Give for Father’s Day?

 WEDNESDAY 

“Hi kiddo, what’s up?”

“Hey Dad, just calling to ask what can I give for Father’s Day this Sunday?”

“Oh, gee, thanks, but Father’s Day’s actually the following Sunday.”

“…Dangit!” <CLICK>

“Hello?... This kid, I’m telling you….” 

THE FOLLOWING WEDNESDAY 

“Hi kiddo, what’s up?”

“OK, for real this time: what can I give you for Father’s Day this Sunday?”

“Heh-heh, right, yeah – you don’t have to give me anything: your existence alone is present enough for me.”

“Oh come on!”

“You know, your mother and I try to give you an easier life than we had, and yet you insist on undermining that at every opportunity.”

“I can’t just not give you something on Father’s Day!  It’s up there with birthdays – gifts are obligatory, or else you might as well quit the entire family!”

“What?”

“Please, just tell me you want something that you’d never get for yourself: concert tickets – a motorcycle – a football team?!”

“<Sigh> Fine, you can get me… socks.”

“….”

“….”

“Socks.”

“Yeah, the ones I have are getting worn out and I need new ones for pickleball.  The white athletic kind, you know, that I can wear with my sneakers and pull up over my calves.”

“….”

“….”

“You’re making fun of me, aren’t you.”

“You can be a bit dramatic, but new socks really are what I would like.”

“Very well, Father: if socks are what you want, then socks are what you shall get.”

“Why does that sound like a threat?” 

SUNDAY 

“Happy Father’s Day!”

“Hiiii… What’s… all… this?”

“Socks!  Just like you wanted!”

“But you’re trucking in so many bags here – how many pairs did you get?!”

“A year’s supply, so now none of them will have a chance to wear out!”

“Oh my… thank you?”

“Certainly!  Nothing’s too good for MY FATHER ON FATHER’S DAY!”

“Just one more thing.”

“Anything!”

“Put all of them away somewhere before your mother sees them.”

Story 633: What Can I Give for Mother’s Day?

            “Oh hi honey, what’s up?”

“Well, I’m calling in a panic right now, an absolute panic!”

“Dear me, why’s that?”

“Because Mother’s Day is this Sunday, and I have absolutely no idea what to give you this year!”

“Aw honey, you know you don’t have to give me anything – ”

“Don’t tell me that Mother’s Lie!”

“ – And it really doesn’t matter anyway since Mother’s Day was last Sunday.”

“…What?”

“Mother’s Day already passed, so save this for my birthday instead.”

“No, no, Mother’s Day is this Sunday, it’s the third Sunday of the month!”

“That’s Father’s Day, dear.”

“Since when?!”

“Since whenever both holidays were established here, I think.”

“OK, well, why didn’t you say anything when I didn’t come over on Sunday and didn’t even call you!  All day!”

“Well, one doesn’t like to mention such things; I figured you’d just forgot, and in a way, you did.  But it was an honest mistake – nothing to fret about.”

“This is an even bigger disaster than I thought!  You spent all day at home, alone, staring out the window and thinking I’m the worst child a mother ever had, I could just burst from the shame!”

“Actually, your father and I had a wonderful time whitewater rafting that day, and I’m sorry to say I didn’t even think about you until the following morning.”

“See!  I’m such an awful child that you didn’t even remember you had one on that day of all days!”

“Honey, it’s really not that big a deal; I understand you got a little mixed up on the dates and we’ll just celebrate on another day.  Not this Sunday, though – I’ll be doing one of those cure walks with my book club and it’ll be extremely early in the morning, so that’ll wipe me out for the rest of the day.”

“Fine-fine, but back to the original subject: what do you want?!”

“<Sigh> Brunch would be lovely.”

“No cooperation at all!”  <CLICK>

“Certainly doesn’t get all that drama from my side of the family, I’ll tell you.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Happy Mother’s Day!  Two weeks later!”

“Hi, honey!  What’s all this out on the front lawn?”

“Well, since you refused to tell me what to get you, I had to make an executive decision and order a traveling circus.”

“You did what?”

“Oh yeah, this company does stuff like this all the time – you don’t still have the sprinkler system installed in the lawn, do you?”

“What?  No, that’s all gone, but – ”

“Great – OK FELLAS, NO SPRINKLER HEADS TO WORRY ABOUT SO JUST AVOID THE WATER AND GAS LINES, ALL RIGHT?”

“Honey, what is going on?!”

“Don’t worry, they just need to know where to set up the big top.”

“On the front lawn?!”

“You know, you’re right – backyard has so much more space.  OK FELLAS, MOVE IT ALL TO THE BACK INSTEAD!”

“Wait-wait-wait – this is all too much; I didn’t want you spending what is clearly a fortune on a performance troupe!”

“Oh, that’s not an issue: the ringmaster owes me a favor.  YOU CAN USE THE HOSE ATTACHED TO THE HOUSE TO FILL UP THE DIVING POOL, AND TELL THE TRAPEZE ARTISTS TO GO AS HIGH UP AS THEY WANT!  Just send me your next month’s water bill – they shouldn’t need your electricity, but let me know if they wind up tapping into it later.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about – oh, all these people, all over the place – wait, no, don’t tell me there’re going to be lions or elephants or horses coming through here too, are there?!”

“Hm?  Oh, no, this is a humans-only circus; don’t need that extra headache.”

“OK.  Do they need me to feed them, then?”

“On your special day?!  No-no-no – the catering trailer should be around any minute now.  You don’t mind if they park and set up on the grass, do you?  I don’t think there’s enough room on the street.”

“You really went through too much trouble, you know.”

“On the contrary: not nearly enough to make up for my horrific oversight and failure as an offspring!”

“Yes, well, I’d actually forgotten all about that until just now.  Let me go get your father and let him know the circus is in our backyard.”

“No need: I see he’s out there now, telling them where to set up the big top.”

“Of course he is.  Well, thank you for the entertaining show – and I’m sure the circus performances will be fun, too.”

“Certainly!  Nothing is too good for MY MOTHER on MOTHER’S DAY!”

“I do have one request.”

“Anything!”

“Next year, stick to brunch.”

Story 603: Choose Whodunit

            (In a small village, the six sole occupants gather in the mini-square)

Leader: All right everyone, here’s the deal: you all had a hard day’s work out in the fields and will be going to your wee but cozy shacks for a well-earned good night’s sleep, but one of you – is actually – a – “murderer”!

(Gasps all around)

Villager 1: Impossible!

Villager 2: Not one of us, we all know each other!

Villager 3: (Raises a hand; to Leader) Is it you?

Leader: No it isn’t me, I’m the one running the ga – never mind: whoever it is knows who it is, OK?!

Villager 3: No, but since I’m clearly outvoted here….

Leader: Good-good; now, tonight: one of you – will – be – “murdered”!

(Gasps all around again)

Villager 4: What if we “murder” the “murderer” first?

Leader: It doesn’t work like that – it happens while you’re asleep.

Villager 4: What if we don’t sleep, then?

Leader: You have to sleep, it’s in the rules – I mean, you had a hard day’s work out in the fields so you’re all sleeping through the night, OK?!

Villager 4: Except for one of us who’ll be horribly “murdering” another one of us, that is.

Leader: Yes, well, that goes without saying.  However, there is a chance… to be saved.

Villager 5: Oh thank goodness; I thought all hope was lost.

Leader: For one of you – is – a – “healer”.

Villager 1: Impossible!

Leader: I’m sorry, what?

Villager 1: How can any of us be a “healer” in this village if we’re working out in the fields all day long?  There’d be no free time to learn herbology or surgery!

Leader: …Well, this is a very talented person, what can I tell you; now, the “healer” can choose to save a fellow villager or may choose to save themselves, either way possibly saving the selected “victim”.

Villager 1: OK, so what’s the method of “murder”, then?

Leader: DEATH!  Mwahahaha!

Villager 2: You’re having way too much fun with this.

Leader: Sorry.

Villager 1: So, is it poison or stabbing?

Leader: What difference does it make?!

Villager 1: A world of difference: if I’m the “victim” and also the “healer”, then if it’s poison I can just take an antidote, but if it’s stabbing or some other traumatic wound then how am I supposed to perform lifesaving surgery on myself?

Leader: It’s magic, OK?!  It’s all magic!

Villager 1: Then maybe say the person’s a “witch” or a “sorcerer” rather than a “healer” –

Leader: It doesn’t matter, the person’s just a “healer” who instantly “heals”, all right?!

Villager 3: (Raises a hand; to Leader) If we “heal” ourselves but we were never the “victim”, does that create a paradox and we implode instead?

Leader: No!  Nothing happens, you just wake up in the morning as usual!  Why is everyone making this more complicated than it is?!

Villager 3: Just checking, yeesh.

Leader: The rules – I mean, the situation is exactly as I told you, stop overthinking everything, now go to sleep so one of you can be “offed” in the night, understand?!

Villager 4: Who can sleep at this point?!

Villager 5: And what kind of village did we all choose to live in?!

Leader: For the love of – EVERYONE GO TO SLEEP, NOW!

(Villagers 1-5 go to each of their huts, grumbling)

Villager 5: (Turns to Leader while standing in the doorway) Well, you’re certainly not getting a portion of this year’s harvest after all this.  (Slams the door on the way in)

Leader: …What?

(Later that night)

Leader: IT – IS – TIME!

Villagers 1-5: (In their huts) Ooooh!

Leader: Now, this next part as quietly as possible.  “Murderer”: WAKE UP!

Villager 5: (Whispering) But we’re all already awake!

Villager 4: Ssh!

(Villager 2 emerges quietly from the hut, wearing a wicked smile)

Leader: OK, “Murderer”: CHOOSE YOUR VICTIM!  (Villager 2 starts creepily tiptoeing toward Villager 1’s hut) No-no, just point – it’s all magic, remember.  (Villager 2 creepily points to Villager 1’s hut) OK, “Murderer”: NOW, GO BACK TO SLEEP!  (Villager 2 collapses onto the ground) What the – go back to your hut and then go back to sleep!  (Villager 2 stands up and returns to the hut) Now, “Healer”: WAKE UP!  (Villager 1 emerges quietly from the hut) OK, “Healer”: CHOOSE WHO IS TO BE SAVED!  (Villager 1 points a wand at self and mouths “Alakazam!”) …Fine.  OK, “Healer”: NOW, GOT BACK TO SLEEP!  (Villager 1 dashes back into the hut) Wish I could sleep right now.

(The next morning)

Leader: OK, everyone: it was a long, hard night’s sleep, but now you’re all awake and gathered.  (Silence) I said, you’re all awake and gathered!  (Villagers 1-5 run out of their huts and gather in the mini-square)  And even though you all should have been out like an electric light that hasn’t been invented yet, in the literal dead of night, one of you tried to “off” your neighbor!

Villager 5: Oh no!  In our little village?!  Nowhere is safe!

Leader: BUT: the “healer” was able to save the “victim”, so everyone here is still alive… FOR NOW!  Mwahahaha – !

Villager 2: Seriously, take it down a notch.

Leader: Sorry.  So: let the accusations begin!  Who do each of you think is… THE “MURDERER”?!

(Villager 1 points to Villager 2, Villagers 2, 4, and 5 point to Villager 3, and Villager 3 points to Leader)

Leader: (To Villager 3) I already told you that it can’t be me!

Villager 3: Ah, that’s what you want us to think!

Leader: I’m not eligible to be the “murderer” since I oversee who’s doing what, so you have to pick someone else!

Villager 3: Oh, all right.  (Suddenly notices Villagers 2, 4, and 5’s pointing fingers) Hey, wait a minute, you all think it’s me?!  What for?!

Villager 2: I’m not buying the Village Idiot routine for a second.

Villager 3: But I am the Village Idiot for real!

Villager 4: A likely story!  Your disguise is ingenious!

Villager 5: Yeah, that’s what you want us to think, ha!

Villager 3: (Sputters) I – you – this – I have no words.

Leader: (To Villager 3) So, who do you accuse now?

Villager 3: Myself, apparently: the gaslighting campaign has succeeded.

Leader: Well, it’s a majority then, but not unanimous.  (To Villager 1) So, why are you pointing elsewhere?

Villager 2: (Suddenly notices Villager 1’s pointing finger and gasps in horror) How could you even suspect it was me?!  I AM YOUR SPOUSE!

Villager 1: Exactly.

Leader: (To Villager 1) Sure you don’t want to change your mind in light of public opinion?

Villager 1: (Still staring accusingly at Villager 2) Oh no, my mind’s staying right here.

Villager 2: (To Villager 1) I’ll remember this at dinner tonight.

Leader: All right, then!  The majority in this case is… not correct, and the “murderer” is still at large to strike once more!

Villager 5: (As Villagers 1, 2, 4, and 5 lower their pointing fingers) Ooh, I can’t take the suspense!

Villager 1: (Glaring at Villager 2) I can.

Villager 2: (Glaring back) Why you little –

Villager 3: (Oblivious to the other two) I can’t take the pubic shaming.

Leader: All right!  After a hard day’s work out in the fields –

Villager 4: Who can work at a time like this?!  Isn’t there an attempted “murder” we should be investigating?!

Villager 5: Yeah, I for one don’t want to be the next contestant on a re-enactment of And Then There Were None!

Leader: (Stares blankly at Villager 4 and Villager 5 for a few moments) …After another hard day’s work out in the fields, you all return to your wee but cozy shacks for a well-earned good night’s sleep.

Villager 5: (As Villagers 1-5 return to their huts) HA!

Villager 4: I’m barring the door and staying up all night with my scythe at the ready!

Villager 1: (While looking pointedly at Villager 2) Good idea.

Villager 2: [Grinds teeth at Villager 1]

Leader: OK, NIGHTY-NIGHT!

(Later that night)

Leader: IT – IS – TIME!  Now, this next part as quietly as possible.  “Murderer”: WAKE UP!  (Villager 2 and Villager 3 both emerge from their huts) Unbelievable.

Villager 2: (Staring at Villager 3) Huh?

Villager 3: What, didn’t you all vote for me to be It?

Leader: THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS!

Villager 3: Yeesh, why is everyone always mad at me lately?  I didn’t even attempt a “murder” on anyone yet.

(Villagers 1, 4, and 5 emerge from their huts)

Villager 4: Did you get `em?!  Are we saved?!

Leader: (Sinks down to the ground, cradling head in hands and moaning) That’s not how this works….

Villager 2: (Pointing to Villager 3) This one got confused and ruined the whole thing!

Villager 4: (Gasps in horror; to Villager 2) So it was you, all along?!

Villager 1: I KNEW IT!

Villager 2: (To Villager 1) Calm down; you would’ve done the exact same thing in my position.

Villager 1: I would never!

Villager 2: Oh really?  Then how is it you chose to “heal” yourself rather than your own beloved life companion, hm?

Villager 1: Because I figured you were the “murderer” and that you’d targeted me!  And how’d you know I “healed” myself?!

Villager 2: Because you were still alive the next morning!

Villager 1: …Oh yeah, right.

Villager 2: Besides, it would’ve been an easy process of elimination anyway.  (Points to Villager 3) This one has no idea what’s going on – (Points to Villagers 4 and 5) and those two are too immersed in the experience to convincingly cover up a secret role if they had one.

Villager 4: Rude.

Villager 5: Yeah, “Murderer”!

Villager 2: I didn’t even “off” anyone!

Villager 5: Not for lack of trying!

Villager 1: I’ll say.

Villager 3: (Raises a hand) Are we going back to sleep for another round, then?

Leader: (Suddenly stands) No!  No, the game is over, you all ruined it!  The cards I gave you earlier clearly showed what your roles were, the rules were very simple, and my narration was clear and concise – it takes a special talent to spectacularly derail such a basic scenario, but you all managed to somehow, congratulations!

Villager 1 and Villager 2: AHEM!

Leader: Sorry: you were the perfect secret “Murderer” and “Healer”, Mom and Dad.

Villager 2: I should think so.

Villager 1: Same here, even though I really should keep my eye on you two from now on.

Story 568: Hunting for THE Gift

             (In a living room)

Parent: (Addressing two preteen children; all three are bundled up in winter coats, hats, and gloves) All right, kiddos: I know this is the first day of your interminably long Winter Break and you’d rather being doing anything else right now, including homework, BUT it’s also the last weekend before Christmas and another December has passed me by in spite of the wall calendar in my face every morning, so now we all must suffer one long day of shopping instead of spreading it out across three weekends.  You have your assigned lists at the ready?  (Each child holds up a large piece of paper full of writing on both sides, and nods) OK then.  (Shoves on a knitted cap with earflaps) To the mall!

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh….

(Hours later in the mall, the family members regroup near the food court)

Parent: (Checking Child 1’s shopping bags against the corresponding list) It clearly says “Twenty 3 ounce candles” not “Three 20 ounce candles” – now go back and get the right ones!

Child 1: (Gasps and falls to knees) No, don’t send me back in there, I’m begging you!  The line went through the entire store and the smell of patchouli was everywhere, just everywhere!

Parent: (Disgusted) Get up.  (Child 1 stands) Fine, I’ll exchange them myself, but first we need to move on to pajamas and slippers so we’ll circle back to your failure later.  (To Child 2) Open up.  (Child 2 holds open the bags as Parent quickly scans through them and the list) Sufficient, but we’ll have to make sure that cousins from the same side of the family don’t get the same toy cars and action figures that you lazily snatched up multiple times.

Child 2: (Looks down into the bags) Oops.

Parent: (Checks own list and bags) OK, only 23 more stores to go and then we can move on to the sugar gifts.

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh …

(Hours later in the mall parking lot, all three are carrying many shopping bags on all limbs and balanced on their heads)

Parent: (Talking around the piles of bags) Whelp, in spite of ourselves, we’re almost done: just need the one gift that Grandmama specifically asked for, and we’re all set for the year.

Child 1: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Yeah, I checked every store I was in and didn’t see it anywhere.

Child 2: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Same.

Parent: (Dumps the bags into the car’s trunk and the passenger and back seats; Child 1 and Child 2 do the same) Not to worry: I know plenty of stores that should carry it.

Child 1 and Child 2: (Turn to each other and mouth “Should?”)

Parent: (As they pile into the car and squeeze themselves between bags) You all buckled in?  (The tops of two heads nod) And away we go!  (Burns rubber while merging into the mile-long line out of the mall parking lot)

(At the next store)

Parent: (Rummaging through the shelves) That’s not it – that’s not it – that’s not it –

Child 1: Should we check another aisle?

Parent: (Distractedly while trying to stick head into the recesses of a shelf) No, this would be the one….

Shopper: (To Child 2) Excuse me, you waiting on line?

Child 2: Thank goodness, no.  (Steps aside for Shopper to stand at the end of the line to the cash registers located at the other end of the store)

Parent: (Pulls back out of the shelf and scratches head in befuddlement) I don’t understand; where could it be?

Child 1: Maybe they don’t carry it here anymore.

Parent: I’m starting to think that, but what boggles the mind is why they don’t carry that when they carry all these – (Shakes a nearby display, nearly knocking a few items to the floor) that go with it?!

Child 1: …Marketing confusion?

Parent: Apparently.  All right, we’ve wasted enough of our lives here – onward!  (Leads Child 1 and Child 2 to cut across the register line looping back on itself several times as they exit the store)

Employee: (From the register near the entrance/exit) Hey!  (All three stop and turn) You’re leaving without buying anything?!  (The entire line of customers becomes silent)

Parent: Doooooo I have to?

Employee: Well – no….

Parent: Then yes.  (Leaves with Child 1 and Child 2)

Employee: (In a small voice) But it just isn’t done….

(Hours and 15 stores later)

Parent: (Hangrily crouched over the car’s steering wheel while barely moving through bumper-to-bumper traffic) I can’t believe not one of those stores have it!  I mean, I can believe it, but I really, really don’t want to!

Child 2: (Checking on a cell phone) Hey, this says that the Micro Save Mart nearby might have it.

Parent: That dinky little village shop!  I laugh at the mere suggestion, ahahahaha – cough-cough-cough-!  (Takes a few moments to recover from self-induced coughing) Besides, even if there was the remotest possibility that they have it, the store’s in the complete opposite direction from where we’re heading, and there’s no way I can make a legal U-turn in this traffic.

Child 1: (Excitedly) So, we go back home for dinner and finally give up on getting it –

Parent: NEVER!  (Suddenly yanks the steering wheel to veer out of the lane, over a grassy embankment, and into a strip mall to make a U-turn the hard way)

(Hours later in the new store)

Child 1: (Looking around at the winter wonderland on display) Wow, this place is kinda neat.

Parent: No sightseeing – we’re on serious business here!  (Purposefully strides up and down several aisles, then skids to a stop in front of a small display) This is it.  At long last, this is it.

Child 2: Success?

Parent: (Gingerly takes an item from the display) I’m only hesitating in saying “Yes” because once I say it out loud, this might disappear.

Child 1: But you just did.

Parent: That was a hypothetical quote.  (Possessively hugs the item, then notices Child 1 and Child 2 staring in judgmental anticipation) But all right: yes.

Child 1: (Fist pumps) Woohoo!  Let’s get on line before the store closes.

Child 2: (As they search for the end of the line) Don’t worry: all stores everywhere are open late today, those are the rules.

Child 1: Yeah, and do you even know what time it is right now?!

Child 2: Oh.  (Checks watch) Ohhhhhh....

Child 1: Exactly.

(On the car ride home, surrounded by shopping bags; THE gift has pride of place buckled into the passenger seat with the bags previously there either on top of the ones that were piled up on the floor or on top of Child 1 and Child 2 in the backseat)

Parent: Well kiddos, it was a long, hideous struggle and a battle hard-fought, but in the end we were triumphant.  I hope you two learned valuable life lessons today.

Child 1: Don’t do all your gift-shopping on the weekend before a major holiday?

Child 2: Pack snacks no matter how long you think you’ll take?

Child 1: Don’t buy so much extra stuff for people who already have extra stuff?

Child 2: Consumerism is a social construct and we shouldn’t even be buying stuff that does nothing to nourish the soul?

Parent: Yes, yes – also, if Grandmama suddenly doesn’t want the gift after all that, I’m disinheriting myself.

Story 543: Trying to Call Out From Work on Father’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, you’re never gonna believe this –

Manager: I bet I won’t.

Employee: –  but I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Father’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: I thought last time you said Mother’s Day was the second biggest sales day?

Manager: Turns out I was mistaken.  I’m big enough to admit I’m wrong when I’m caught.

Employee: Good on you.  Anyways, just letting you know, I’m taking today off.

Manager: No you’re not: you’re scheduled on alternating hours covering the front register and customer service desk to handle all the last-minute panicking guilt-ridden adult children.

Employee: I thought you might say that, so I counter that offer with my willingness to work on Labor Day instead, even though its very existence implies that I shouldn’t have to by law.

Manager: It’s not an offer; it’s the non-negotiable schedule that’s been up for weeks – don’t tell me you forgot to request off super-early again like you did for Mother’s Day?

Employee: …OK, I won’t tell you.

Manager: You’re a real piece of work.  And no one else can switch with you for today, is that it?

Employee: Would you believe me if I told you I forgot to ask anyone until this morning?

Manager: Yes.

Employee: Well, there’s your answer.

Manager: Then I’m not too sorry to say there’ll be no last-minute saves with shift-switching today like we were able to pull off last time, so you’re stuck working most of the afternoon and all night.  I pity your dad, you know: there’s no way you’re calling out today unless you send over a doctor’s note that you’re violently ill within the next 20 minutes.

Employee: A doctor’s note, eh?  <COUGH-COUGH>

Manager: And don’t think I won’t be able to tell if it’s something you just whipped up on your home computer.

Employee: Oh.  I retract those coughs, then.

Manager: So you’re still coming in today, yes?

Employee: (Sighs) Unfortunately, although it pains my very soul to do so, yes I’m still coming in today.  I just will have to tearfully explain to my beloved father that his beloved child has been forced by a cruel manager and the unfeeling forces of capitalism to spend precious hours serving idle consumerists instead of showing my appreciation of him being the World’s #1 Dad, that’s all.

Manager: Wonderful.  I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but if it’s any consolation he can commiserate with my father on what awful children they have.

Employee: How so?

Manager: I lost track of the Sundays in June and wound up scheduling myself today, too.

Story 538: Trying to Call Out From Work on Mother’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Mother’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: So I’ve been told.

Manager: You’ve also been told that I already gave the day off to the mothers among us, and the rest of you either needed to have requested off three months ago and hope for the best or take another day off to make up for it if you wanted.

Employee: I do recall that.  However, I should make you aware at long last that I, too, am a mother.

Manager: Since when?!

Employee: It has been my private shame these past five years: the Baron refuses to acknowledge not only me, the one true love of his life, but also his 12 illegitimate children, whose presence, if revealed, would divide his estate into so many portions that even his so-called legal heirs would barely get a dime, and the horrendous scandal would tear his country apart.  The least I could get out of this stressful ordeal is one day with my offspring serving me breakfast in bed, don’t you think?

Manager: You’ve had 12 children in five years?

Employee: …There were a few sets of triplets in there.

Manager: You’re still working today.

Employee: OK-OK-fine; if that tragic tale doesn’t move your cold heart to tears, then I must tell you directly: I rescued a gaggle of orphaned goslings last night, and they imprinted on me.

Manager: Really.

Employee: I am now the matriarch of an interspecies family – how can you ask me to walk away from that enormous responsibility on today of all days?!

Manager: Well, I’m not asking.

Employee: Glad we agree.

Manager: I’m telling you directly: if you don’t come into work today, you’ll have all the time you like to mother your feathered children because you won’t be spending it here.

Employee: (Sighs) You leave me no choice, then.

Manager: Here it comes.

Employee: I swore never to reveal this to a single modern soul, but you have pushed me to the brink: my true name is… Eve.

Manager: OK…?

Employee: As in, the Mother of All Humanity.

Manager: Oh, for crying out –

Employee: Peace, my child: I have long since forgiven you and your brethren’s slanderous lies that I am solely responsible for getting us kicked out of Paradise – I seem to recall your Father going along with the fun until we got caught, which is retroactively typical.

Manager: Whatever: you still have an eight-hour shift coming up in 20 minutes.

Employee: All right!  The truth is, I’d promised my mom that I’d request off Mother’s Day this year but then I lost track of time and when I finally remembered it was a week away and I ran out of people who could switch days with me and now she’s gonna give me the disappointed look for the rest of my life!

Manager: Now why didn’t you just lead with that?  I still can’t switch days for you but I know at least one person doesn’t want to work tonight anymore, so if you take their closing shift and they work your mid-shift then you’ll at least get to do brunch or something with your mom today.

Employee: Yes!  That’d be perfect – you’re a lifesaver, thank you!

Manager: You’re welcome.  I gotta make a few phone calls now to set this up, so I’ll see you at 5, OK?

Employee: That’d be swell!  You’re a great “mom” to all of us here, you know that?

Manager: Certainly feels like it.

Story 508: Intense Picture Card Game

(Six family members sit around a circular kitchen table, playing cards in hand)

Adult 1: (Sets the rest of the pile in the middle of the table, picks up the top card, and places it face-up next to the pile; turns to Child 1 on the left) All right, now you go first.

Child 1: OK.... (Sorts cards) Wait a minute…. (Sorts some more) Hold on….

Adult 2 (To Adult 1) Remind me again why we picked the 10-card game?

Adult 1: It ups the stakes.

Adult 2: What stakes?

Child 1: (Finishes sorting hand) Got it!  (Looks at face-up card, then back at hand) I’ve got nothing.

Adult 1: Well that was worth the wait.  (To Adult 2) You go.

Adult 2: (Draws a card, then discards another) Changed the color and the fauna!

Child 2: Oh no, my entire strategy is ruined!

Adult 3: You can’t have too much of a strategy when there’re six players – the game’s direction changes five times before it reaches you.

Adult 4: More if we reverse order… which I’m not planning at the moment….

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: You just went!

Child 1: Nobody’s moving so I thought I missed it.

Child 2: I can’t think with all this chatter – I invoke the Silence Rule!

Adult 1: That’s not recognized in this forum; just go already.

Child 2: Fine.  (Lays down a card)

Adult 3: Yessss!!!!  (Triumphantly throws down a card and turns to Adult 4) In your face!  Draw half the deck now.

Adult 4: (To Adult 3) Remind me on games going forward never to sit next to my spouse.  (Draws half the deck)

Adult 1: Finally.  (Lays down two cards) Now everyone has to draw three cards each or lose a turn.

(Almost everyone else groans)

Adult 4: (As cards spill onto the table while being sorted) I will willingly lose a turn, thanks.

Adult 3: (As everyone except Adult 1 and Adult 4 draws three cards) Doesn’t matter, I can still slam you with a doozy again, AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Adult 4: Seriously, do the marriage vows mean nothing to you?

Adult 1: (To Child 1) You go now.

Child 1: Oh!  Nobody’s moving so I thought it was someone else’s turn.  Ummm….  (Sorts through cards, then lays down five of them on the discard pile) Does anyone have any purples?

Adult 1: You’re supposed to ask that before you discard.

Child 2: I don’t.

Adult 2: I don’t.

Adult 3: I don’t.

Adult 4: (Setting up cards on a music stand) I shockingly don’t.

Child 1: Oh.  (Starts to take the cards back from the pile) Does anyone have –

Adult 1: (Grabs the five cards and sets them back on the pile) Too late, you already asked, the answer’s no, your turn’s over.

Child 1: But I forgot the rule.

Adult 1: Too bad!  Next!

Child 1: Rude.

Adult 2: Does anyone have any lions?

Adults 1, 3, and 4, and Child 2: Yes.

Child 1: (As the others give their cards to Adult 2) How is that even possible?  The odds are astronomical!

Adult 4: (Still sorting) Beats me: I still have half the deck and no winning combination.

Adult 3: It’s OK, hon, I’ve got another card that’ll give you a whole bunch more to play with!

Adult 4: So thoughtful.

Child 2: NOT.  SO.  FAST.  (Lays down a very ornately decorated card)

Adults 1-4 and Child 1: (Lean in to peer at the card in the table’s center) Ooooooooooohhhhhhh….

Child 2: That’s right: I have been the possessor of The Chronos Reversus Card this whole time, and I declare this game REVERSED!

Adult 2: NOOOOO!!!!!  I was winning!

Child 2: Not anymore!  All is undone!  Take that, world!

Adult 4: (Starts sweeping up cards) Sweet.

Adult 1: Hold it!  (Everyone freezes; Adult 1 holds up a card) I, too, have a game-changing card.  (Lays down another, equally ornately decorated card)

Adult 2: (Gasps) The Reversus Reverse!

Adult 3: (To Adult 4) I didn’t think this deck had that one.

Adult 1: Precisely!  (To Child 2) I have undone your undoing, wretch!

Child 2: (Slumps) Aw nuts, this was the first time I ever got to play that card, too.

Adult 1: That’s life.  (To the rest of the table) Well?  The Apocalypse has been cancelled; you may proceed.

Adult 4: Swell.  (Starts sorting cards on the music stand again)

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: No!

Child 1: But you just went.

Adult 1: (Gestures to Child 2) Only to foil that one’s shenanigans – game play will continue with the regular rotation!

Adult 3: So that’s me.  (To Adult 4) Here you go, sweetie!  (Lays down a mostly blank card)

Adult 4: (Leans in to stare at it) Is this the one where I have to take the rest of the deck?

Adult 3: It sure is!

Adult 4: (Picks up the rest of the deck) You know, it’s not so much the cards you’re playing as the utter glee you’re taking in my destruction that makes me want to call a divorce lawyer.

Adult 3: Aw, you love it!

Adult 4: I really don’t.

Child 2: (Points at the now-empty space on the table) Hey, since the deck’s gone what are we supposed to draw from?

Adult 1: I… don’t know; this has never happened before.  (Takes out a thousand-page rule book and starts scanning the index)

Adult 3: Yay, I made history!

Adult 4: (Stands up to stretch out on the floor) Whelp, while we’re waiting for guidance, I’m taking a nap.

Adult 3: And I’m taking your cards!

Adult 4: Please do.

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: (Frantically flipping through the pages) No, it’s mine, but I don’t know what to do yet because I need to draw at least seven cards and now there’s nothing!

Adult 2: (Stands and places cards face-up on the table) I’m taking this as a sign that I won – read `em and weep while I go start dinner.  (Leaves the table and heads for the other side of the kitchen)

Adult 1: Hey, wait, you can’t just leave, we’re – (Sees Adult 2’s cards) oh right, you did win, never mind.

Child 2: (As the rest start turning in their cards) And I thought The Chronos Reversus Card was gonna be the game-ender.

Child 1: At least you got to play a hand – the one time I had something it turned out I messed it up.

Adult 3: (Toeing Adult 4’s side) Wake up, darling, game’s over, all the cards are gone forever now.

Adult 4: (Wakes up yawning) Oh good – I dreamt I was drowning in them.

Adult 1: (Still holding the open rule book after everyone else has dispersed throughout the house) Maybe I should’ve pushed harder for playing all-in poker instead.