Story 508: Intense Picture Card Game

(Six family members sit around a circular kitchen table, playing cards in hand)

Adult 1: (Sets the rest of the pile in the middle of the table, picks up the top card, and places it face-up next to the pile; turns to Child 1 on the left) All right, now you go first.

Child 1: OK.... (Sorts cards) Wait a minute…. (Sorts some more) Hold on….

Adult 2 (To Adult 1) Remind me again why we picked the 10-card game?

Adult 1: It ups the stakes.

Adult 2: What stakes?

Child 1: (Finishes sorting hand) Got it!  (Looks at face-up card, then back at hand) I’ve got nothing.

Adult 1: Well that was worth the wait.  (To Adult 2) You go.

Adult 2: (Draws a card, then discards another) Changed the color and the fauna!

Child 2: Oh no, my entire strategy is ruined!

Adult 3: You can’t have too much of a strategy when there’re six players – the game’s direction changes five times before it reaches you.

Adult 4: More if we reverse order… which I’m not planning at the moment….

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: You just went!

Child 1: Nobody’s moving so I thought I missed it.

Child 2: I can’t think with all this chatter – I invoke the Silence Rule!

Adult 1: That’s not recognized in this forum; just go already.

Child 2: Fine.  (Lays down a card)

Adult 3: Yessss!!!!  (Triumphantly throws down a card and turns to Adult 4) In your face!  Draw half the deck now.

Adult 4: (To Adult 3) Remind me on games going forward never to sit next to my spouse.  (Draws half the deck)

Adult 1: Finally.  (Lays down two cards) Now everyone has to draw three cards each or lose a turn.

(Almost everyone else groans)

Adult 4: (As cards spill onto the table while being sorted) I will willingly lose a turn, thanks.

Adult 3: (As everyone except Adult 1 and Adult 4 draws three cards) Doesn’t matter, I can still slam you with a doozy again, AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Adult 4: Seriously, do the marriage vows mean nothing to you?

Adult 1: (To Child 1) You go now.

Child 1: Oh!  Nobody’s moving so I thought it was someone else’s turn.  Ummm….  (Sorts through cards, then lays down five of them on the discard pile) Does anyone have any purples?

Adult 1: You’re supposed to ask that before you discard.

Child 2: I don’t.

Adult 2: I don’t.

Adult 3: I don’t.

Adult 4: (Setting up cards on a music stand) I shockingly don’t.

Child 1: Oh.  (Starts to take the cards back from the pile) Does anyone have –

Adult 1: (Grabs the five cards and sets them back on the pile) Too late, you already asked, the answer’s no, your turn’s over.

Child 1: But I forgot the rule.

Adult 1: Too bad!  Next!

Child 1: Rude.

Adult 2: Does anyone have any lions?

Adults 1, 3, and 4, and Child 2: Yes.

Child 1: (As the others give their cards to Adult 2) How is that even possible?  The odds are astronomical!

Adult 4: (Still sorting) Beats me: I still have half the deck and no winning combination.

Adult 3: It’s OK, hon, I’ve got another card that’ll give you a whole bunch more to play with!

Adult 4: So thoughtful.

Child 2: NOT.  SO.  FAST.  (Lays down a very ornately decorated card)

Adults 1-4 and Child 1: (Lean in to peer at the card in the table’s center) Ooooooooooohhhhhhh….

Child 2: That’s right: I have been the possessor of The Chronos Reversus Card this whole time, and I declare this game REVERSED!

Adult 2: NOOOOO!!!!!  I was winning!

Child 2: Not anymore!  All is undone!  Take that, world!

Adult 4: (Starts sweeping up cards) Sweet.

Adult 1: Hold it!  (Everyone freezes; Adult 1 holds up a card) I, too, have a game-changing card.  (Lays down another, equally ornately decorated card)

Adult 2: (Gasps) The Reversus Reverse!

Adult 3: (To Adult 4) I didn’t think this deck had that one.

Adult 1: Precisely!  (To Child 2) I have undone your undoing, wretch!

Child 2: (Slumps) Aw nuts, this was the first time I ever got to play that card, too.

Adult 1: That’s life.  (To the rest of the table) Well?  The Apocalypse has been cancelled; you may proceed.

Adult 4: Swell.  (Starts sorting cards on the music stand again)

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: No!

Child 1: But you just went.

Adult 1: (Gestures to Child 2) Only to foil that one’s shenanigans – game play will continue with the regular rotation!

Adult 3: So that’s me.  (To Adult 4) Here you go, sweetie!  (Lays down a mostly blank card)

Adult 4: (Leans in to stare at it) Is this the one where I have to take the rest of the deck?

Adult 3: It sure is!

Adult 4: (Picks up the rest of the deck) You know, it’s not so much the cards you’re playing as the utter glee you’re taking in my destruction that makes me want to call a divorce lawyer.

Adult 3: Aw, you love it!

Adult 4: I really don’t.

Child 2: (Points at the now-empty space on the table) Hey, since the deck’s gone what are we supposed to draw from?

Adult 1: I… don’t know; this has never happened before.  (Takes out a thousand-page rule book and starts scanning the index)

Adult 3: Yay, I made history!

Adult 4: (Stands up to stretch out on the floor) Whelp, while we’re waiting for guidance, I’m taking a nap.

Adult 3: And I’m taking your cards!

Adult 4: Please do.

Child 1: Is it my turn?

Adult 1: (Frantically flipping through the pages) No, it’s mine, but I don’t know what to do yet because I need to draw at least seven cards and now there’s nothing!

Adult 2: (Stands and places cards face-up on the table) I’m taking this as a sign that I won – read `em and weep while I go start dinner.  (Leaves the table and heads for the other side of the kitchen)

Adult 1: Hey, wait, you can’t just leave, we’re – (Sees Adult 2’s cards) oh right, you did win, never mind.

Child 2: (As the rest start turning in their cards) And I thought The Chronos Reversus Card was gonna be the game-ender.

Child 1: At least you got to play a hand – the one time I had something it turned out I messed it up.

Adult 3: (Toeing Adult 4’s side) Wake up, darling, game’s over, all the cards are gone forever now.

Adult 4: (Wakes up yawning) Oh good – I dreamt I was drowning in them.

Adult 1: (Still holding the open rule book after everyone else has dispersed throughout the house) Maybe I should’ve pushed harder for playing all-in poker instead.

Story 505: Too Busy to Live in a Horror Movie

(In a suburban house, Mom is on the phone while grabbing laundry from the dryer, kicking toys on the floor out of the way, wiping down random surfaces, etc.  She stops suddenly after rounding a corner to the living room and seeing the couch that was against a side wall now in the center with armchairs piled onto it, topped by the television set)

Mom: (Still on the phone, letting the laundry basket fall to the floor) You know, I’ve just about had it with them rearranging the furniture all the time.  The midnight screaming is one thing – my youngest had colic for six months so, really, please – but this!  (Gestures to the pile, then props the phone against one ear while hauling furniture back to their original positions) No, they think it’s funny to play Tower of Babel so then I have to clean up after them.  I already have three children, thank you!  (Uses a foot to kick the couch back against the wall) Unbelievable; I caught them the other night starting to drip what looked like blood but I suspect was syrup down the bathroom walls – which I had just deep-cleaned literally that same day, mind you – so you can bet I put a quick stop to that.... Sprayed the room with bleach until they knocked it off, what else?  (A low moaning builds up from deep inside the fireplace; Mom watches as gusts of air start shifting the logs inside) Hold on a minute – they’re up to some new garbage now.  (A sudden BANG! bursts open the flue, sending all sorts of debris flying out onto the living room floor as a disembodied presence swoops out of the fireplace and into Mom’s face)

Ghost: WOOOOOOOOO – !

Mom: (Lowers the phone to address Ghost) Well, that’s just great – would you look at all the dirt and insect bodies you strewed all over the place?!  Lucky for you I don’t even bother cleaning this floor more than once a year, else I’d really let you have it!

Ghost: WOOOOOO – huh?

Mom: (Walks through Ghost to lean into the fireplace and feel around inside) Oh, perfect, perfect!  (Comes out again, holding a handle) As if everything else wasn’t enough, now the flue is broken!  And the chimney cleaners were just here last week!  So fixing this is another expense we don’t need and time I don’t have to wait around for them to come back, and meanwhile all sorts of wildlife riffraff are gonna make their way in here unless I figure out how to block off everything because the flue is broken!  (Throws the handle through Ghost, who disappears) Yeah, that’s right, make a mess and evaporate!  (Raises the phone back up again) Sorry about that – got another headache added to my growing list.  I’ll let you go, then – what?  Oh yeah, I’ll see you there tomorrow morning around 10; sewer bills are paid at the Utility Department window, right?... I know there’s a late fee this time!

(At a soccer field, a dozen kids pile into Mom’s car; Mom then floors it to the speed limit)

Mom: (Shouting over the excited din of juvenile chatter) No dilly-dallying tonight, children: as soon as I pull up to your house, get yourself right on out of here because I’ve got a long night of cleaning ahead.

Carpool Child 1: You guys still have the ghosts hanging around trashing the place?

Child 1: Yes!  And it’s soooooo embarrassing!

Mom: “Embarrassing” is not the word for this situation.

Carpool Child 2: I think it sounds so cool – I wish our house was haunted like yours.

Mom: You’re welcome to mop up the muddy footprints and remake the beds 10 times a day and sweep up every broken thing on top of the mess this crew – (Thumbs back to Child 1 and Child 2 in the rear seats) already make on a daily basis!

Child 2: Hey!  But you love us!

Mom: Not when you leave tissues in your pockets for the laundry, I don’t!

Carpool Child 2: Yeah, never mind, I think I’ll pass on all that.

Mom: Wise move.

(At the kitchen table, Mom, Dad, and Child 1, Child 2, and Child 3 try to eat dinner as plates and glasses constantly shift through the air and banging noises in both the basement and the attic occasionally drown them out)

Mom: Now, I don’t want anyone to try using this as an excuse to skip your vegetables: I got wise to that the second time you pulled it and now I’m keeping inventory of everyone’s plates.

Child 1-3: Argggghhhhh…..

Dad: (Snatching a piece of chicken from a passing plate while reading from a large book propped open on a stand perched on the table) Hey everyone, I think from what this thing’s saying we’ve got at least seven poltergeists and other spirits in our home, but it could possibly be as many as 10 or even 1,000.

Mom: Sounds about right.  (Snaps a celery stick in half and starts chomping on it)

Child 3: (To Dad) If one of them dumps me out of bed again tonight, can I call out sick from school and play video games to recover?

Dad: If you’re recovered enough to play video games, you’re going to school.

Child 3: Worth a shot.

Mom: (To Dad) I’ll be out most of the day tomorrow paying bills and uprooting the dead tree, so I just know that these… (Briefly glances around at the children) nuisances will probably take the opportunity to bring the house down – are you sure this didn’t stem from that summoning chant you did at the office party?  Because if it did, you’ll be the first one I’m throwing to them when we’re temporarily homeless.

Dad: (Chuckles) No, I’m pretty certain the party just brought along that one little guy, and he was fine with my lock of hair for his bald head and went on his merry way.  So, the current crew’s presence appears to be… (Scans several pages of the book) unrelated.

(Mom glares at the children)

Child 1-3: Wasn’t us!

Mom: Just checking.  (The house trembles with a loud crash) What nowwwwwww!!! (Everyone jumps up from the table and runs to the living room to see furniture being piled up into a tower again; Ghost giggles while hoisting the television set to the top) HEY!  (Mom points at Ghost, who freezes) You put that back where you found it right now!  (Ghost sheepishly sets the television back onto the entertainment center) And the rest!  (Ghost, grumbling, starts putting the rest of the furniture back in their places as the family returns to the kitchen table; they resume eating and drinking from the flying plates and glasses as the banging continues upstairs and downstairs)

Dad: (Had started reading the book again) It looks like there’re a few passages I can recite to kick them all out of here at once, buuuuuut we have to wait until the next full moon in…. (Check cell phone) three weeks.

Mom: Three weeks?!  The house’ll be destroyed by then!

Child 1-3: Waaaahhhh!!!

Mom: Never mind, never mind – (Takes a deep breath) you and I will take shifts every night for the next three weeks and constantly run interference, that’s all.

Dad: We probably don’t have to go that far; maybe we can get up a little earlier and hope for the best –

Mom: The mortgage is still being paid off.

Dad: I’ll take first watch.

Mom: (Throws a fork at the floating napkin holder, pinning it to the floor) Not for nothing, I wish they’d targeted someone with nothing to do and haunt them instead – I mean really, who has time for this rubbish?!

Story 473: When the Child You Raise Is You

(In a tiny apartment, Parent Self is stirring a pot of stew on the stove while loud music is blaring in the background)

Parent Self: You know, it hasn’t been easy.  You try to teach yourself right; you tell yourself, “This is what you have to do to get somewhere in life; this is what you need to sacrifice; this is how hard you have to work to make something of yourself.”  And, it’s as if I haven’t said a single word.  To myself.

Child Self: (Slumps in from the living room, appearing exactly the same as Parent Self but much shabbier) Oh hey – (Gestures to the pot) don’t bother with that; already ordered takeout.

Parent Self: (Stares at Child Self) This stew is extremely better for us than takeout.

Child Self: I know, but that’s also, you know, work.  Pay someone else to do it.  (Slumps back into the living room)

Parent Self: (Sighs as the pot disappears) I sometimes wonder why I still bother trying.

(That evening, Child Self is sprawled across the living room couch watching a movie and eating messily from a takeout container when Parent Self starts vacuuming)

Child Self: (With mouth full, pausing the video) Do you have to do that now?!

Parent Self: (Shuts off the vacuum cleaner; says sweetly) I’m sorry, was I interrupting something important?

Child Self: (Sheepishly) No….

Parent Self: Well then.  (Resumes vacuuming)

Child Self: But why now?!

Parent Self: (Turns off the vacuum again) The time scheduled to clean this place appears to be “Never,” so “Now” is as good a time as any at this point.

Child Self: I was gonna get around to it!  Eventually!

Parent Self: (Nods) Yeah, that method tends to result in you actually doing the chore, or project, or promise an average of two years after the thought first enters our head.  (Sets aside the vacuum cleaner and begins wiping dust off everything)

Child Self: (Grumbles while fumbling with the video controls) Nag.

Parent Self: (Whirls around) Excuse me?!

Child Self: Your expectations for our behavior are ridiculously high!  We actually work at an actual job all day, and commute almost an hour each way surrounded by horrible horribles, so when we finally do get home from that soul-sucking experience, I wanna relax!  It’s only fair – what more do you want from our life?!

Parent Self: Listen: I didn’t bust our butt through all those years of school and all those extracurricular activities trying to make some kind of a success of our life, just to watch you spectacularly fail to launch ever since and instead spend hours and hours uselessly prone upon the couch watching drivel and eating garbage!

Child Self: Well, what else am I supposed to do 9:00 at night?!

Parent Self: …Find the cure to cancer!  (Begins vacuuming again as Child Self rolls eyes and resumes the video)

(At a restaurant, Child Self and Parent Self sit at a table across from Date)

Date: So, I had a great time tonight!  This was fun; I haven’t gone out on one of these in a long while.

Child Self: Me neither; guess life got in the way, huh?

Parent Self: (Turns slightly away) Hmf!

Child Self: (Mutters) What was that?

Parent Self: Oh, nothing.  Just mildly surprised to hear the implication that we’ve been too busy for something, that’s all.

Server: (Places the bill on the middle of the table) Whenever you’re ready, but we close in 20 minutes.  (Immediately leaves)

Parent Self: (Snatches the bill) Now let’s see what we can’t afford tonight….

Child Self: (Snatches the bill and addresses Date) Actually, I was thinking just for tonight we could split it –

Parent Self: (Snatches the bill back) Actually, you know better that since we were the one who invited this charming individual out tonight, we should be the one to pay the entire bill.

Child Self: (Tries to snatch the bill back but Parent Self holds on this time; they begin to tug-of-war it) It was a mutual ask-out, not an invite, and we can’t exactly pay the entire bill right now!

Parent Self: Well maybe that wouldn’t be an issue if you hadn’t kept ordering things we don’t need!

Date: It’s OK, I don’t mind treating you to dinner tonight –

Parent and Child Self: You stay out of this!

Date: (Blows air through cheeks, takes out a wallet, and places money on the table as the others’ struggle continues) Here: this should cover the tip; thanks for dinner and see you – whenever.  (Hustles out the door)

Child Self: (As both let the bill drop onto the table) Oh.  I think we just got dumped before we were even officially dating.

Parent Self: Sounds about par for our course.

(Back at the apartment on a weeknight, Parent Self is folding laundry while sitting on the couch next to Child Self; the latter is sprawled out again while scrolling through a phone, forever falling down the Internet rabbit hole)

Parent Self: I try, and I try – and I really don’t like what we’ve become.

Child Self: (Laughs hysterically at the screen) Genius!  Another dopamine rush to the brain – whoosh!  (To Parent Self) Oh, you can just throw all that stuff in the closet – just gonna wear `em out again anyway, what’s the point?

Parent Self: (As the laundry basket disappears) I was thinking it would be a good idea to take up running again, maybe early in the morning or after work, like when we did track in high school?

Child Self: (Thinks for a few moments) Yeah, those were fun times; we were in the best shape of our life then.

Parent Self: Yes.  Yes we were.

Child Self: (Thinks for a few seconds more, then turns off the phone) Nah: don’t feel like it; too much effort.  Sleepy now.  (Rolls over and falls asleep)

Parent Self: (Stares at Child Self) The struggle is ongoing, but a parent never gives up on a child.  Even when that child is yourself.