(In an office,
Coworker 1 is on the desk phone while clicking the computer’s mouse frantically
and tapping the computer’s keys harshly)
Coworker 1:
Uh-huh…. (Click-click-click-CLICK, tap-tap-TAP-TAP-TAP) But I – no, go ahead….
(TAP. TAP. TAP) Yeah, but…. I’m trying, but…. Uhhh-huhhh….
(TAP. TAP. TAP-TAP.
CLICK-CLICK-CLIIIIIICK – ) Oops….
What? No, sorry, my computer’s
acting up, I have to call I.T., you mind if we talk about this later?...
Yeah-thanks-bye. (Disconnects the call,
slams the receiver onto the cradle, grabs either side of the computer’s
monitor, and slowly leans forward to gently crash into the screen)
Coworker 2:
(Peers over the top of the neighboring cubicle wall) Bad day?
Coworker 1:
Always. I think that means the problem
is me: it can’t be that everyone in the world has lost their minds, so it must
be me, right?
Coworker 2: Probably. Still, sometimes it helps to just walk away
from it all for a little bit.
Coworker 1:
(Picks up the phone again) Shyeah, right; first I have to call I.T. to fix the
computer I just crashed, and then I have to figure out a way to keep working on
the 50 billion simultaneous projects going on here, without a computer, while
more “emergency” projects are lining up in the wings waiting to make their
entrance stage left, so, no break for me, or anybody, ever.
Coworker 2: (Now
leaning on the top of the cubicle wall) Well, the work’ll still be here when
you get back, plus there’ll always be more no matter what you do, and it really
isn’t that bad if the majority of them are finished late, so you might as well
step away from all of it even for a few minutes. I find it usually clears my head and helps me
figure out stuff I thought was unsolvable – changed my life.
Coworker 1:
(While on hold) Hmmmmm….
I.T. Automated
Attendant: Please continue to hold. Your
call is very – ah, forget it, we’ll get to you when we can get to you, all
right?! (Heavy metal starts playing as
the hold music)
Coworker 1:
(Raises an eyebrow at the receiver, then hangs up; looks up at Coworker 2) You
know what? I’m going to take your advice
and go walk around here for five-ish minutes, right now. (Stands and walks out of the cubicle) Thanks!
Coworker 2: No
problem. (Lowers back to the desk and
resumes writing programs to embezzle company funds)
(Coworker 1
navigates the cubicle maze, a spring in the step emerging as the minutes tick on. After passing by a certain one, Coworker 3
leans out of the cubicle without getting up from the chair)
Coworker 3: Hey!
Coworker 1:
(Hesitates, then turns around) Hm?
Coworker 3: How’s
the computer?
Coworker 1: Oh,
still waiting for I.T. to fix it.
Coworker 3: (Laughs
in disgust) They’re the worst, aren’t they?
Coworker 1: (In
a small voice) Not really.
Coworker 3:
(Finally stands and walks over to Coworker 1) Listen, continuing our
conversation from earlier, you really need to start –
Coworker 1:
(Grabs cell phone out of pants pocket and looks at the blank screen) Ah jeez,
debt collector’s calling me again – (Holds phone up to ear, one finger out to Coworker
3, and starts walking away) Sorry, gotta take this – (To the phone) Yeah,
whaddya want now?... Well, the money’s not gonna magically appear whenever you
decide to call me, now is it?
Coworker 3:
(Returns to desk, muttering) Weirdo.
(Coworker 1
returns to desk, sighs, and signs back into the computer)
Coworker 1:
(After resuming work in a few applications) Wait a minute, this is working just
fine now, how’d that even happen?
Coworker 2:
(Voice through the wall) It probably needed a break, too.
Coworker 1:
Well, your advice worked – I feel much better now and ready to tackle the rest
of the day, so thanks again!
Coworker 2: Sure
thing. Least I could do before all is
revealed.
Coworker 1:
What?
Coworker 2:
What?
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(Coworker 1 is
attending a video conference while in the cubicle)
Speaker: (On the
computer screen) – and according to our projections, if we continue to somehow
keep losing money even while operating at a profit –
Coworker 1: (Picks
up the non-ringing desk phone) Hello?
(Mouths to the camera “Gotta take this,” turns the camera off, hangs up
the phone, and strolls out of the cubicle, whistling) I could get used to this.
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(In a conference
room)
Manager: Now I’m
going to put on the 45-minute video that’ll cover what we’ve been discussing
for the last 45 minutes. (Coworker 4
raises hand) Yes?
Coworker 4: Is
it animated?
Manager: No.
Coworker 4:
Shucks.
(Manager dims
the lights and brings up the video to display on a large screen)
Coworker 1: Ooh,
you know what, I forgot my pen and notepad at my desk – buried there somewhere –
start without me! (Leaves the conference
room and returns more than 20 minutes later)
Manager: (Icy
whisper) Find your pen?
Coworker 1: No,
so I had to settle for a pencil.
Manager: (Looks
down at Coworker 1’s hands) So where is it?
And the pad?!
Coworker 1:
(Also looks down at hands) Huh. Knew I
was forgetting something. (Leaves the
conference room and returns more than 20 minutes later)
Manager: [Grinds
teeth at Coworker 1]
Coworker 1:
(Relaxedly settles back in a chair, tossing the notepad and pencil on the
table) Aaaah, so, where are we?
Coworker 4: (Leaning
on hand) Pretty much the end.
Coworker 1: Yay –
I mean, too bad. Can anyone fill me in?
Coworker 4:
Probably not. (Gestures at the dozing
attendees)
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(In Coworker 1’s
cubicle)
Coworker 3:
(Standing over the seated Coworker 1) – and you never listen, you just do
whatever you want to do because you know better, everybody else here may
like you but I know you’re just the worst, and – (Coworker 1 stands up
and walks past Coworker 3) Hey, where’re you going?
Coworker 1:
Away. (Takes the elevator to the ground
floor and goes sits in the nearby garden that none of the other employees ever
visit)
Coworker 3:
(Stands in the hallway staring after Coworker 1 long after the latter has left,
then notices that Coworker 2, wearing summer clothes and carrying a suitcase,
also is watching from around the cubicle corner) Can you believe that one?
Coworker 2: Yes.
Coworker 3: So
rude! No – so unprofessional!
Coworker 2: …You
project a lot of your insecurities onto other people’s motives, you know that?
Coworker 3:
(Shifts away to leave) Maybe.
Coworker 1: (In
the garden, leans down to sniff a rose and stops) Ooh, a butterfly! How serene.
SEVERAL DAYS LATER
(In Manager’s
office)
Manager: (To Coworker
1) Sit down, please. (Coworker 1 does
so) First of all, you may have heard by now that your cubicle neighbor managed
to embezzle millions of dollars from this company by installing a program that
pretended to prevent that exact event from occurring. The irony is lost on no one.
Coworker 1: (In
a reverent whisper) They walked away….
Manager: (Pauses)
Yeah, that brings me to my next point: seeing as our insurance covers some of
the loss but not all of it, and you’ve been demonstrating a very absentee attitude
toward your job lately, we decided to recoup some of this debacle by
terminating you – and several dozen of your colleagues.
Coworker 1:
(Stands abruptly) But it works! Walking
away has solved everything – I’ve never been more productive!
Manager: Yes you
have: your work started getting better for a few days, but the more mini-breaks
you take the fewer projects I’ve been seeing actually getting done. This week alone I think you’ve been in that
garden out there for more hours than you were at your desk!
Coworker 1: It’s
very calming!
Manager: I’m
sure it is – go find another one to help you cope in your battle with
Unemployment. (Dismissively waves away Coworker
1 to be escorted by a Security Officer, and prepares to call in Coworker 3 next)
Coworker 1:
(Slumps back to the cubicle and is handed a box by the Security Officer to
clean out the desk) Wow, I never realized I’d brought so much junk in
here. (Sets down the box and turns to
leave the cubicle) This is all a bit overwhelming right now – maybe if I just
walked away from it for a little bit –
Security
Officer: (Blocks exit) Nothing doing: I want to keep this job.
Coworker 1: (Slumps
back to piling stuff into the box) You know, I still think it was good advice,
but I forgot one thing.
Security
Officer: What’s that?
Coworker 1:
Everything in moderation.
