Story 531: In-Class Demonstration

 [Thanks to my nephew for suggesting the story idea]

(In a middle school classroom)

Teacher: (Addressing students at the beginning of class) All right, everyone, today we’re going to do something a little different –

Students: Yaaaaaay!

Teacher: HUSH!  (They all hush) Now: since your term project involves a deep dive into exploring gravity as an all-consuming force in this world, I decided that a “hands-on” approach would be the most effective method to drive the lesson home into your still-developing cerebra.  (Scans the room and points to a student in the middle of the third row) You!

Student: (Looks around at surrounding students as they surreptitiously scooch their desks away and then points to self) Me?

Teacher: Yes; you’re still going to martial arts classes, right?

Student: Uh, yeah?

Teacher: Is that a question?

Student: More of an unspoken one of “Where is this going?”

Teacher: I’ll show you in a moment – get up here.  (Gestures to the front of the classroom)

Student: Umm… do I have to?

Teacher: Yes!  This’ll be fun for everyone, I assure you.

Student: OK…. (Slowly stands up and does the long march to the front of the classroom, turns, and faces a roomful of pitying looks)

Teacher: Thanks for volunteering – (Student double-takes) now, to demonstrate how gravity controls us all no matter what we do, I want you, a still-sprouting youth who’s barely hit 100 lbs, to utilize gravity in order to throw me, a full-grown adult who could stand to shed a few, soundly onto the ground.  (Crouches in a defensive posture) And… go!

Student: Umm… is this legal?

Teacher: I didn’t bother to check, now toss me!

Student: I really don’t think –

Teacher: No time for thinking, aaaaahhhh!  (Rushes Student who instinctively grabs Teacher around the middle and bring the latter to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) Yaaaaaay!

Student: (Holding hands to mouth in horror) Oh no, are you OK?!

Teacher: (Creakily gets up from the floor while holding lower back; Students sit down again) That was very good, but we’re not finished.

Student: We’re not?

Teacher: Nope!  I took it easy on you with that one by allowing you to use momentum to overcome my superior strength and then gravity to take care of the rest.  Now, I want you to try using gravity to take me down from a standing, immobile position.  (Stands straight with arms at sides)

Student: Uh, the moves don’t quite work like that in this position –

Teacher: I said “Take me down!”

(Student crouches low while moving in, uses a leg behind Teacher’s knee to make the latter’s leg buckle, and sweeps Teacher to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) YAAAAAAY!!!!

Student: (Helps Teacher stand up again) I’m so sorry – did you hit your head?!

Teacher: (Leans far back and swings from side-to-side to crack out everything) Nope – all good!  (To Students as they sit down again) See?  Again, gravity did most of the work in pulling my massively muscled body all the way down to the Earth that is continuously striving to merge with us!

Student: Umm….

Teacher: (To Student) Now!  I’m going to climb on top of my desk, and you’re going to have to demonstrate how gravity will shove me off my perch and drive me into Earth’s unforgiving embrace.

Student: Do I have to?

Teacher: (Climbs onto the desk and stands on it) Yes!

Students: (Start banging their hands on their desks and stomping their feet on the floor) YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!

Student: (To Teacher, over the increasing noise) I don’t know – one or both of us could really get hurt this way!

Teacher: (Crouching on top of the desk) C’mon, you coward!  Show me gravity!

(The classroom door suddenly flies open and Principal strides in; everyone else in the room freezes)

Principal: What on Earth is going on in here?!  The entire school can hear this racket!

Teacher: (Stands up straight again) It’s OK; I’m demonstrating the force of gravity.

Principal: You’re what?!  You teach English Language Arts!

Teacher: Well, how else am I supposed to get a bunch of pre-teens to appreciate the use of metaphor in Victorian literature?!

Story 237: The Shortest Awards Ceremony Ever

            (In an auditorium, an M.C. enters from stage right)

            M.C.: Welcome everyone to this evening’s awards show.  (Applause; M.C. cuts that off with a gesture) Enough of that: as you may have heard, this ceremony will be the first one in history to end on time, if not sooner, with no lollygagging, meandering, and/or filibustering allowed.  When making your acceptance speeches, the following words and phrases are prohibited: (Reads from an index card) “First of all,” “I’d like to thank,” “You know,” “This is completely unexpected,” “So,” “I never imagined,” “Wow,” “This is a dream come true,” and, especially, all variations of “Um.”  Tears, coughing fits, and nervous laughter also will not be tolerated.  There will be no music played as a hint that you should finish: you will simply disappear.  That’s it for my opening remarks: the first award goes to “Most Improved Student of the Year.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 1 jumps up from the audience, laughing and cheering; there is a podium where the M.C. gives Student 1 the award)

            Student 1: (At the microphone on the podium) Wow, I never imagined I’d get this; first of all, I’d like to thank –

            (M.C. presses a big red button on the podium and a trapdoor opens underneath Student 1)

           M.C. Not improved enough, it seems; parents, you may collect your offspring in the band room afterwards.  The next award is for “Highest GPA.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 2 solemnly but quickly walks to the podium on the stage and takes the award from the M.C.)

     Student 2: This-is-a-great-honor-thank-you-to-my-parents-teachers-mentors-friends-and-everyone-else-who-believed-in-me-have-a-great-summer-bye.  (Walks quickly back to the audience)

            M.C.: I can see why you were awarded that.  Next one is for “Athlete of the Year.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 3 vaults onto the stage and snatches the award from M.C.’s hands)

            Student 3: Thank you so much!  Boom!  Done in two seconds!

            M.C.: Sor-ry, you used one of the forbidden words!  (Throws a smoke bomb at the feet of Student 3; when the smoke clears, Student 3 has vanished) Parents, you may collect your offspring in the upstairs chemistry lab; don’t ask me how magic works.  Next on the program unfortunately is a musical tribute to your class’s accomplishments that was clocked at 10 minutes; however, since I severed the piano’s strings there will be no musical interludes and this will be done a capella.

            (A chorus runs onto the stage, sings the tribute at triple time, and runs away)

          M.C.: Wasn’t that lovely.  The last segment features the awards for the students who have volunteered their talent and – I don’t know why – their time to worthy causes.  In total there are (Looks at a brochure) 20 of them?!  I am not reading all of these names and what all y’all did: get up here now!

           (Chaos as 20 students rush the stage and crowd the podium to shout into the microphone)

            Students: Thank you! – Love you, Mom and Dad! – This is for you, Grandma! – What am I doing up here? – All that effort and I still didn’t get into the school I wanted, it’s not fair! – A hundred hours and all we get is a plaque?! – Thank you, Mr. ----, you’re the best! – I can’t believe you guys gave me an award for something the court ordered me to do –

           M.C.: THAT.  IS.  ENOUGH.  (They all stop talking – the M.C.’s hand hovers over the big red button and they flee back to their seats) I’m not waiting until you’re sitting down: this ceremony is over, you’ve been a mediocre audience, good night!  (Wheels the podium off stage right to scattered applause)

            Parent: (Looks at watch) Less than fifteen minutes – totally worth it.