Story 644: Yoga on the Beach Can Be More Stressful Than You’d Think

             (On a beach at sunrise, Student 1 carries a beach towel and trots quickly over to a small group by the shoreline, where Teacher is facing away from the water and the other Students are facing toward the water; all are seated crossed-legged on beach towels, eyes closed and hands facing up on top of knees)

Student 1: (Waving to Teacher while tripping over the shifting sands) Hi!  Sorry – hi!  Sorry I’m late – the walk from the street to here was a lot longer than I thought.

Teacher: (Eyes still closed) No worries – (Gestures to an open binder on the sand nearby) you only missed a minute of meditation but your credit card will be charged the full amount regardless – please sign in and set up your towel anywhere you’d like, then join us in a few moments of stillness before class begins.

Student 1: (Bends down to sign the binder, then backs up while half-bowing several times and trying to avoid the other Students) Sorry – thank you – sorry – Namaste –

Teacher: That’s at the end.

Student 1: Right.  (Quickly opens up the towel and sets it down at the back of the group and rushes into lotus pose to match the others)

Teacher: (After another minute, opens eyes and stands; the rest follow) Now: let’s begin with a Sun Salutation.

(As the Students follow along with the sequences, a large beach cleaning machine noisily travels back-and-forth behind them in two-minute intervals)

Teacher: (Flows into Warrior 1 pose) Ignore that, and focus on the soothing sounds of the gentle ocean waves. 

(As the Students face the ocean during Warrior 1 pose, a jet boat plows across their view as it releases someone parasailing while screaming into the sky)

Teacher: (Flowing to Warrior 2 pose then to triangle pose) Maybe focus on the gulls instead.

(Laughing gulls sweep by close overhead; one neatly swoops down and snatches up a bagel that Student 2 had set on the edge of a towel)

Student 2: (Windmills arms to reach out while still half-upside-down in triangle pose and falls over) Hey!  That’s my breakfast!

Teacher: (Leading the rest of the Students to chair pose) One must secure one’s food at all times when one is one with Nature.

Student 2: (Grumbling while following the others from chair pose to Warrior 3 pose) One’s bagel being stolen sure means I’m out five ones.

(Beach cleaning machine gradually gets closer to the group on each pass as lifeguards run nearby before their shift starts)

Teacher: Now: this is a little tricky on sand, but try for tree pose wherever you can plant your right foot on your left leg; bring hands to prayer.

(Students try to place their right foot on their left ankle, knee, or thigh while standing; several fall over)

Teacher: (Standing straight and still with right foot on left thigh and hands together at heart level) Alas.

Head Lifeguard: (Blows a whistle to stop the jogging group right next to the yoga class) Here’s good: now drop and give me 50!

(Lifeguards drop and give 50 push-ups with loud effort)

Teacher: (Briefly gives Head Lifeguard a withering look, then addresses Students) Same flow, second side. 

(They repeat the previous flow on the opposite side and end at tree pose with the left foot on the right leg; several fall over again)

Teacher: (Standing straight and still with left foot on right thigh and hands together at heart level) Don’t punish yourselves.

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -----, party of six!  -----, party of six!>

Teacher: OK!  (Strains to be heard over the rumbling beach cleaning machine, laughing gulls, exercising lifeguards, and crackling loudspeaker) Time for some backbends.

Students: WHAT?!

Teacher: BACK!  BENDS!  Please.

(Teacher and Students lie on their backs on the towels and then go into bridge pose – a laughing gull suddenly flies through the small gaps that five students in a row have made with their bodies, cackling loudly)

Students 3 – 7: (Simultaneously drop back to the ground): AAAAAHHHHH!!!

Teacher: (Staring at the laughing gull now in the distance) I don’t believe it.  (To Students) PAY NO HEED TO ANY DISTRACTIONS –

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -------, party of 10!  -------, party of 10!>

Teacher: – AND TAKE THREE FIGURATIVE OCEAN BREATHS WHILE LISTENING TO THE ACTUAL OCEAN AS WE HOLD THIS POSE!

(Fallen Students resume the pose and everyone starts taking deep and regular breaths in, then out)

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -----, party of 22!  -----, party of 22!>

(Beach cleaning machine rumbles to a stop right behind the class)

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: (Leaning out the driver’s side window) You folks gonna be much longer here?  I gotta finish this section in the next five minutes.

Teacher: (Springs up to stand) YOU KNOW THIS CLASS ENDS AT 9 A.M. EVERY DAY, DUDE!

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: Yeeesh, I’ll come back later, then.  (Noisily continues down the beach past the group)

Teacher: (Gently lies back down on the towel as a noisy propeller plane with an ad banner flies low overhead) AND NOW, CORPSE POSE.

Students: (Simultaneously raise their heads) WHAT???!!!

Teacher: SHAVASANA!

Students: OH, OK.  (They abruptly lie flat, arms and legs relaxed on the ground and eyes closed)

Head Lifeguard: (Blows whistle again; to lifeguards) Burpees!  I want at least 75 burpees from all of you, in the high-tide surf!  (Lifeguards splash into the surf and starting jumping up and dropping down over and over in the water, churning up the waves)

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < -----, party of 42!  -----, party of 42!>

(Jogger with a blaring radio runs through the gaps between the Students’ towels)

Jogger: (Singing along) <PARTY ONNNNN – ALL NIGHT LOOOOOONG!!!>

(A laughing gull lands on Student 1’s bare foot)

Student 1: (Head shoots up to stare at the sedate gull) Ummmm…. (Frantically tries to shake the gull off)

Teacher: (Lifts up head and sees the gull holding onto Student 1’s foot) For the love of – (Reaches into a bag, rips off a piece of bread, and throws it toward the water near the lifeguards; gull flies off Student 1’s foot and is joined by 10 other gulls that suddenly appear as they all noisily fight over the food scraps while avoiding the jumping lifeguards; to Student 1) YOU OK?

Student 1: (Shakily lies back down) I AM NOW, THANKS!

Teacher: GOOD.  (Also lies back down)

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < ------, party of 65!  ------, party of 65!>

Head Lifeguard: (Blows whistle again; to lifeguards) Run in place, in the water, five minutes, go!

(Lifeguards go splash-splash-splash-splash-)

(Beach cleaning machine pulls up behind the group from the opposite direction)

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: (Leans across the passenger seat to yell out the window) Got an ETA now?!

Teacher: (Quickly sits up to lotus pose with hands together at heart level; Students follow) BREATHE IN – BREATHE OUT – NAMASTE – DONE!  (Quickly stands; to Beach Cleaning Machine Driver) HAPPY??!!

Beach Cleaning Machine Driver: (Sadly) Never.  (Resignedly continues the eternal circuit up-and-down the beach)

(Beachgoers in nearby areas start playing different types of music very loudly)

Teacher: (Hands gripped together tightly) THANK YOU FOR JOINING ME FOR SOME SERENITY THIS MORNING; I HOPE IT BROUGHT YOU SOME SEMBLANCE OF PEACE FOR THE DAY!

Student 8: You know –

Loudspeaker From Diner on Nearby Street: (Crackling) < ----, party of one!  ----, party of one!>

Student 8: – I’m actually feeling even more stressed out than when we started –

Teacher: NO REFUNDS!

Story 555: Flashback Back to School

             (On a park trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate carefully over the uneven terrain)

Friend 2: (Gingerly stepping down a highlands hill) I can’t believe I let you talk me into taking the difficult trail this time.

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree trunk for the descent) C’mon, you can’t stay on the easy-to-moderate trails all your life, you’ve gotta branch out a little – ow!  (Stubs foot on an exposed tree root and nearly falls off the mini-mountain)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh: got another one>

Tree 2: <Sweet> (The two trees’ branches slap each other in triumph)

Friend 2: (Helping Friend 1 regain footing) Still, this is the most exercise I get in a week, so I suppose I should be grateful.

Friend 1: You’re welcome.  (The ground levels out slightly and they continue onward with minimal interruption)

Friend 2: And it’s great coming here after Labor Day, with no more summer state park fees, summer crowds, or summer weather.

Friend 1: But it’s still summer.

Friend 2: Yeah, technically, but you know as soon as Labor Day hits, fun time’s over.

Friend 1: (Takes a swig from a water bottle) Ugh, don’t remind me: I hate this time of year.

Friend 2: Well, sure, I know you love beaches and boardwalks and any excuse to have funnel cake, but you gotta admit that the cooling weather, changing leaves, and absence of shore traffic are definitely perks.

Friend 1: Oh, no doubt; I won’t argue with any of that.

Friend 2: Then what is it?

Friend 1: (Stops walking, stares at an osprey landing on a nesting pole in the distance, and sighs; through gritted teeth) Back.  To.  School.

Friend 2: (Also having stopped walking) You… haven’t gone back to school in over 20 years.

Friend 1: I know.  But the 17 I did during my formative era have been seared into my brain and will never leave, at least until the inevitable dementia’s in full force.  No, scratch that: with my luck, those’ll be the only memories I’ll have at that point.

Friend 2: (As they both start walking again) All right, going back to school after summer break was sad and annoying, but it wasn’t that bad.  We got to see all our friends again.

Friend 1: I saw them in just the right amounts during break, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: Some of the work was interesting.

Friend 1: To you, maybe: I was a terrible student and didn’t need a yearly reminder.

Friend 2: (Winces slightly) …You liked Band!  And Drama Club, don’t forget that!

Friend 1: (Chuckles) True, true.  I miss those geeks; made me feel superior to the nerds in Chess Club.

Friend 2: What about the athletes?

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about those dorks!

Friend 2: (Defensively) Hey, I was on the basketball team for three years in high school!

Friend 1: Oh right.  Well, you were OK.

Friend 2: (Shakes head in exasperation) Whatever – point is, for us, school was all right and not the faux-traumatic experience you’re acting like it was.

Friend 1: I’m not saying it was; I’m just saying I hate Back to School.  Every year, all the anxiety and pressure come flooding back in like they never left.

Friend 2: Oh, well, then just… don’t think about it, I guess.

Friend 1: I have yet to hear an instance where that suggestion has ever worked for anything.

(That night, Friend 1 lies in bed, staring at a digital clock on the lamp table)

Friend 1: Mm-hm: at this time 20+ years ago, I was dreading the first day of high school… first day of middle school… (Starts drifting to sleep) elementary school… kindergarten… pre… schooooooolllll….

THE DREAM

(In a never-ending hallway filled with students, Friend 1 stands in the exact center, dressed like a 1990s teenager but still with a 2020s face, carrying a backpack and holding several textbooks with paper bag covers in one arm and an illegible class schedule in the other hand)

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically through the streams of passing students, gigantic lockers, and infinite closed doors as many bells constantly ring) Where’s my classroom?!  WHERE’S MY CLASSROOM????!!!!

(Suddenly seated in the very front row of a classroom, Friend 1 strains to read what is written on the overwhelming chalkboard)

Friend 1: (Squinting) Three times – Brontë, who – apartheid, when – igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic rocks, that – mi chiamo, che – differential equations?!

Teacher: (Standing at the front of the classroom, head almost touching the ceiling and growing every second) Now class, please turn in your reports on the entire science textbook that were due today.

Friend 1: (As all the other students hold out packets of neatly typed reports with perfectly formatted cover sheets) But – but – today is the first day of school – ?

Teacher: (Leans down from the heights to get in Friend 1’s face) THIS WAS YOUR SUMMER READING PROJECT!  YOU HAD MORE THAN TWO MONTHS TO COMPLETE IT!

Friend 1: But – but – a report on a science textbook?

Teacher: THE ENTIRE BOOK!

Friend 1: But – but – I don’t have it –

Teacher: YOU’D BETTER HAVE IT BY TOMORROW OR YOU’LL REPEAT THIS GRADE BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED IT!  (Straightens up and addresses the rest of the room) Now class, let’s begin our study of the American, English, and Russian Civil Wars by simultaneously proving Fermat’s Last Theorem and translating the Constitution of France into Middle English, backwards –

(Friend 1’s eyes snap open as a buzzing cell phone nearly falls off the lamp table)

Friend 1: (Answering the phone) Hellllllllooooooo????

Friend 2: (On a cell phone at an office desk) You sound awful – everything OK?

Friend 1: It is now; what’s up?

Friend 2: Well, I was gonna leave a message just checking on whether you’ve gotten over your “Back to School Phobia” or whatever it is you have going on.

Friend 1: (Lies back and rubs forehead) Actually, I just woke up from a nightmare about the whole thing, and it was probably the worst dream I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Friend 2: Oh, wow, that stinks.

Friend 1: Yeah.  But, in a strange way, I think it may have been exactly what I needed.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, it was so ridiculously and unrealistically horrible that now my actual memories aren’t so bad in comparison.

Friend 2: (Leans back in desk chair in triumph) So: I was right.

Friend 1: Don’t rub it in.  Suffice it to say, I am now at peace with Back to School and can look upon that time fondly and enjoy this season at last.

Friend 2: Good, because the reason why I was only going to leave a message instead of having this full-blown conversation is that I figured at this point in the day you’d be at post-school era, adult-world work, so now I think you’re about two hours late.

Friend 1: …I wanna go back to school.

Story 531: In-Class Demonstration

 [Thanks to my nephew for suggesting the story idea]

(In a middle school classroom)

Teacher: (Addressing students at the beginning of class) All right, everyone, today we’re going to do something a little different –

Students: Yaaaaaay!

Teacher: HUSH!  (They all hush) Now: since your term project involves a deep dive into exploring gravity as an all-consuming force in this world, I decided that a “hands-on” approach would be the most effective method to drive the lesson home into your still-developing cerebra.  (Scans the room and points to a student in the middle of the third row) You!

Student: (Looks around at surrounding students as they surreptitiously scooch their desks away and then points to self) Me?

Teacher: Yes; you’re still going to martial arts classes, right?

Student: Uh, yeah?

Teacher: Is that a question?

Student: More of an unspoken one of “Where is this going?”

Teacher: I’ll show you in a moment – get up here.  (Gestures to the front of the classroom)

Student: Umm… do I have to?

Teacher: Yes!  This’ll be fun for everyone, I assure you.

Student: OK…. (Slowly stands up and does the long march to the front of the classroom, turns, and faces a roomful of pitying looks)

Teacher: Thanks for volunteering – (Student double-takes) now, to demonstrate how gravity controls us all no matter what we do, I want you, a still-sprouting youth who’s barely hit 100 lbs, to utilize gravity in order to throw me, a full-grown adult who could stand to shed a few, soundly onto the ground.  (Crouches in a defensive posture) And… go!

Student: Umm… is this legal?

Teacher: I didn’t bother to check, now toss me!

Student: I really don’t think –

Teacher: No time for thinking, aaaaahhhh!  (Rushes Student who instinctively grabs Teacher around the middle and bring the latter to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) Yaaaaaay!

Student: (Holding hands to mouth in horror) Oh no, are you OK?!

Teacher: (Creakily gets up from the floor while holding lower back; Students sit down again) That was very good, but we’re not finished.

Student: We’re not?

Teacher: Nope!  I took it easy on you with that one by allowing you to use momentum to overcome my superior strength and then gravity to take care of the rest.  Now, I want you to try using gravity to take me down from a standing, immobile position.  (Stands straight with arms at sides)

Student: Uh, the moves don’t quite work like that in this position –

Teacher: I said “Take me down!”

(Student crouches low while moving in, uses a leg behind Teacher’s knee to make the latter’s leg buckle, and sweeps Teacher to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) YAAAAAAY!!!!

Student: (Helps Teacher stand up again) I’m so sorry – did you hit your head?!

Teacher: (Leans far back and swings from side-to-side to crack out everything) Nope – all good!  (To Students as they sit down again) See?  Again, gravity did most of the work in pulling my massively muscled body all the way down to the Earth that is continuously striving to merge with us!

Student: Umm….

Teacher: (To Student) Now!  I’m going to climb on top of my desk, and you’re going to have to demonstrate how gravity will shove me off my perch and drive me into Earth’s unforgiving embrace.

Student: Do I have to?

Teacher: (Climbs onto the desk and stands on it) Yes!

Students: (Start banging their hands on their desks and stomping their feet on the floor) YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!

Student: (To Teacher, over the increasing noise) I don’t know – one or both of us could really get hurt this way!

Teacher: (Crouching on top of the desk) C’mon, you coward!  Show me gravity!

(The classroom door suddenly flies open and Principal strides in; everyone else in the room freezes)

Principal: What on Earth is going on in here?!  The entire school can hear this racket!

Teacher: (Stands up straight again) It’s OK; I’m demonstrating the force of gravity.

Principal: You’re what?!  You teach English Language Arts!

Teacher: Well, how else am I supposed to get a bunch of pre-teens to appreciate the use of metaphor in Victorian literature?!

Story 237: The Shortest Awards Ceremony Ever

            (In an auditorium, an M.C. enters from stage right)

            M.C.: Welcome everyone to this evening’s awards show.  (Applause; M.C. cuts that off with a gesture) Enough of that: as you may have heard, this ceremony will be the first one in history to end on time, if not sooner, with no lollygagging, meandering, and/or filibustering allowed.  When making your acceptance speeches, the following words and phrases are prohibited: (Reads from an index card) “First of all,” “I’d like to thank,” “You know,” “This is completely unexpected,” “So,” “I never imagined,” “Wow,” “This is a dream come true,” and, especially, all variations of “Um.”  Tears, coughing fits, and nervous laughter also will not be tolerated.  There will be no music played as a hint that you should finish: you will simply disappear.  That’s it for my opening remarks: the first award goes to “Most Improved Student of the Year.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 1 jumps up from the audience, laughing and cheering; there is a podium where the M.C. gives Student 1 the award)

            Student 1: (At the microphone on the podium) Wow, I never imagined I’d get this; first of all, I’d like to thank –

            (M.C. presses a big red button on the podium and a trapdoor opens underneath Student 1)

           M.C. Not improved enough, it seems; parents, you may collect your offspring in the band room afterwards.  The next award is for “Highest GPA.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 2 solemnly but quickly walks to the podium on the stage and takes the award from the M.C.)

     Student 2: This-is-a-great-honor-thank-you-to-my-parents-teachers-mentors-friends-and-everyone-else-who-believed-in-me-have-a-great-summer-bye.  (Walks quickly back to the audience)

            M.C.: I can see why you were awarded that.  Next one is for “Athlete of the Year.”  (Opens an envelope and reads the name)

            (Student 3 vaults onto the stage and snatches the award from M.C.’s hands)

            Student 3: Thank you so much!  Boom!  Done in two seconds!

            M.C.: Sor-ry, you used one of the forbidden words!  (Throws a smoke bomb at the feet of Student 3; when the smoke clears, Student 3 has vanished) Parents, you may collect your offspring in the upstairs chemistry lab; don’t ask me how magic works.  Next on the program unfortunately is a musical tribute to your class’s accomplishments that was clocked at 10 minutes; however, since I severed the piano’s strings there will be no musical interludes and this will be done a capella.

            (A chorus runs onto the stage, sings the tribute at triple time, and runs away)

          M.C.: Wasn’t that lovely.  The last segment features the awards for the students who have volunteered their talent and – I don’t know why – their time to worthy causes.  In total there are (Looks at a brochure) 20 of them?!  I am not reading all of these names and what all y’all did: get up here now!

           (Chaos as 20 students rush the stage and crowd the podium to shout into the microphone)

            Students: Thank you! – Love you, Mom and Dad! – This is for you, Grandma! – What am I doing up here? – All that effort and I still didn’t get into the school I wanted, it’s not fair! – A hundred hours and all we get is a plaque?! – Thank you, Mr. ----, you’re the best! – I can’t believe you guys gave me an award for something the court ordered me to do –

           M.C.: THAT.  IS.  ENOUGH.  (They all stop talking – the M.C.’s hand hovers over the big red button and they flee back to their seats) I’m not waiting until you’re sitting down: this ceremony is over, you’ve been a mediocre audience, good night!  (Wheels the podium off stage right to scattered applause)

            Parent: (Looks at watch) Less than fifteen minutes – totally worth it.