Story 572: Procrastination Is My New Best Friend

             (In an office cubicle, Coworker 1 types nonstop)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glancing at the time in the computer monitor’s lower right-hand corner, again; through clenched lips) How did I lose THREE HOURS?!!!  (A <DING!> is heard as a new e-mail arrives; Coworker 1 opens the message, scans though it, then leans forward to read it again in disbelief) Another five reports are due?!  When on Earth am I supposed to get those done????!!!!   (Nearly swoons off the chair)

(A voice is heard from above)

Voice: Or you could just, you know, not do them yet.

Coworker 1: (Whips head around in confusion, then looks up to see a figure casually draped across the top of one of the cubicle walls) Huh?

Procrastination: The extra work.  Just don’t do it yet.  Your current work could probably wait, too.

Coworker: Who – are – where – how – ?

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter.  (Nimbly vaults off the cubicle wall to sit on the edge of Coworker 1’s desk) Read the e-mail again – is there a hard deadline?

Coworker 1: (Looks back at the message) Ummm…. (Back to Procrastination) It says “ASAP”.

Procrastination: HA!  That’s just the higher-ups trying to make their problem your problem.  Set it aside; it’ll keep.

Coworker 1: But – what if my boss comes looking for these ASAP?

Procrastination: Then say you’re working on it.  If everyone starts getting antsy, you can add that the projects need to go through a few more iterations before they’re ready for launch; that oughta do it.

Coworker 1: (Starts taking notes and nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh; any other suggestions?

Procrastination: Oh yeah: like I said earlier, whatever you’re working on now, leave it for later.

Coworker 1: But I’ve been working on it all day –

Procrastination: Exactly: it’s probably garbage now, so go back to it when you’re fresh.  Like in a month or so.

Coworker 1: Really?

Procrastination: Yep!  In the wise words of the Bard of Avon, “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow”… will always be there, so why stress out today?

Coworker 1: I… don’t think that’s how the line goes….

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter: go take an hour-long 15, you deserve it!  (Disappears)

Coworker 1: Wha – ?

Coworker 2: (Peeks head around the cubicle opening) Hey: you off the phone now?

Coworker 1: I wasn’t on – never mind; what’s up?

Coworker 2: Just got the word that our self-evaluations are due Friday instead of next month `cause of some system glitch – you do yours yet?

Coworker 1: No.

Coworker 2: Well, I finally finished mine and it took forever, so I’d say hurry up since Friday’ll be here any minute.  (Trots over to the next cubicle to spread the happy news)

Coworker 1: (Looks over at the desktop calendar showing that the current day is Wednesday) Friday, hm?  Plenty of time….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At Coworker 1’s townhouse)

Coworker 1: (Sitting on the couch while talking on the phone) So the drafts through all the windows and doors are getting worse and every floor has got this weird leak going and I have no idea what that smell coming from the laundry room is and don’t get me started on the cracks in the walls that are cutting into the ceilings and I don’t even know where to begin!

Procrastination: (Pops into view on the other end of the couch) Then don’t.

Coworker 1: (Staring at Procrastination as the voice on the other end of the phone starts speaking) I’ve… gotta go.

Voice on the Phone: Wait, you need to get out of there immediately – !

Coworker 1: (Ends the call and drops the phone onto a cushion) All right, I’ll bite: what do you mean, “Don’t”?

Procrastination: Exactly that.  These problems have been there way before you noticed, and they’ll be there for a lot longer before the tipping point of permanent damage, so why worry about them now?  (Holds out a fishing pole) Haven’t you been wanting to go fishing on the lake for AGES?

Coworker 1: (Eyes widening, grabs the pole and runs) FISHING!

Procrastination: (As the front door slams) Heh-heh-heh – sweet.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a banquet hall)

Coworker 1: (Rushing in, sees Coworker 2 standing at a high top table and zooms over) Hi, sorry I’m late, didn’t account for rush-hour traffic, and gave myself nine minutes for a half-hour drive – did I miss anything?

Coworker 2: (Takes a swig of limeade while thinking) Whelp, only Jerry’s retirement speech – and a bunch of the food – and the 50-50 that’s 100% going to Jerry anyway –

Coworker 1: Great, it sounds like I missed most of the whole thing already!  Is the buffet still open at least?

Coworker 2: (Points with the glass) I think the other end hasn’t been taken down yet, so you might get a few mashed potatoes or some spinach or whatever.

Coworker 1: Errrrggghhhhh!  (Starts to dash over there but is stopped by a brief hand on the shoulder from Coworker 2) What?!

Coworker 2: Hate to bring this up, but did you drop off your gift yet?  `Cause I think they’re taking down that table now, too.

Coworker 1: (Smacks forehead) The gift!  I completely put off getting it, then forgot!

Coworker 2: Oh well, maybe you can mail it when Jerry moves to Florida tomorrow, but I don’t think anyone has the address.

Coworker 1: (Slumps onto the table) This just keeps getting more and more embarrassing!

Coworker 2: Yeah, not to rub salt in the wound either, but I think your name came up when Jerry was talking with our boss about those ASAP reports we got assigned a week ago, something about they’re still waiting for yours and it’s holding everything up, I didn’t catch all of it.

Coworker 1: (Lets head drop onto the table and moans into the cloth)

Coworker 2: (Finishes off the limeade and places the glass onto the passing tray of an efficient server) Yeah, hope you did your self-eval before that, heh-heh.

Coworker 1: (Head suddenly lifts) The self-eval!  (Runs out the door)

Coworker 2: (Starts working on a newly arrived plate of tiramisu) Hm – what a mess.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is sitting on the living room floor frantically searching through files in boxes when Procrastination appears ensconced in an armchair)

Procrastination: So!  That looks tedious – how about leave it for another day and watch some more episodes of your new favorite show instead?  You know you want to.

Coworker 1: (Stands and points an accusatory finger at Procrastination) You!

Procrastination: (Points to self) I?

Coworker 1: Yes!  My life is falling apart because of you!

Procrastination: Nonsense: your life was falling apart long before I showed up.  Don’t you feel the stress just melting off now that you’re no longer bound by other people’s arbitrary timetables and deadlines?

Coworker 1: No!  Because of you, I almost got fired; Jerry’s never going to speak to me again, either here or in Florida; the house is still falling apart at a rapidly increasing rate; and because I didn’t do my taxes in time, I’m probably going to jail!

Procrastination: Oh, that’s ridiculous.

Coworker 1: Is it?!

Procrastination: Yes.  You still worry over nothing: they’d charge you penalties for years before jail is ever presented as an option.

Coworker 1: Well!  That’s just a huge relief, now isn’t it!  (Collapses onto the floor, holds head, and makes upset noises into hands)

Procrastination: (Sighs in annoyance and tsks) If you’re going to take that attitude, then this isn’t going to be fun anymore.

Coworker 1: (Sits up suddenly and glares in fury at Procrastination) NO!  KIDDING!

Procrastination: (Stands and brushes hands dismissively) You know, I was trying to do you a favor, but since I can tell that my efforts aren’t appreciated, I’ll go help someone else who actually deserves it. (Disappears)

Coworker 1: GOOD!  Oh, gone.  (Stares at the files scattered on the floor, then feels a drop of water land on head; while brushing it off, looks up to see a new, spreading leak in the ceiling) Maybe I have it all wrong: maybe if I procrastinate forever, this can all become Someone Else’s Problem.

Story 525: Be Careful When You Wish for Snow

             (In a townhouse, Resident sits in an armchair staring out the living room window at the bright sunny day and sighs from the bottom of the lungs to the top of the mouth)

Resident: <Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh> I wish we’d have some actual snow this winter.

(A mythologically tiny person pops into view in the middle of the room)

Weather Elf: Your wish is my command!

 Resident: (Leaps out of the chair) Ah!  Demon!  (Grabs a nearby magazine and flings it at Weather Elf, who side-steps out of the way)

Weather Elf: Hey!  But I suppose my appearance was a bit abrupt – would you prefer if I popped outside and knocked on the front door instead?

Resident: (Brandishes a coaster to throw next) What?  No!

Weather Elf: Suit yourself; I’ll just pop over here and relax, then.  (Pops onto the couch and settles in) Got any tea?

Resident: Wha – I – who – you invaded my home, and now you want tea?!  What kind of burglar are you?!

Weather Elf: None, luckily for you, or else this would’ve taken a real nasty turn by now.  I’m a Weather Elf, and you summoned me here – unintentionally, it’s becoming increasingly apparent.  (Resident stares unblinkingly, coaster still raised in the air) Have a seat; we’re not going anywhere anytime soon.  And would you please put that thing down?  I’m clearly not someone who’d be affected by mortal weapons, so you’re only embarrassing yourself.

Resident: (Abashedly sets the coaster back onto a lamp table and sits in the armchair again) All right, then – what do you want?

Weather Elf: Nothing from you: as I said upon my sudden entrance, “Your wish is my command.”  (Does a slight bow while seated, for emphasis) I appropriated that line from the genies, but they’re in the process of obtaining self-emancipation and ultimate retribution so I don’t think they’ll mind too much.  Or notice.

Resident: (Thinking back) Wait, so you heard me wish for snow, and now you’re taking it upon yourself to make it happen?

Weather Elf: Pretty much.  (Nods head at the window) Take a look.

Resident: (Turns to the window and jumps out of the chair again upon seeing that the sunny day is now darkly gray and there are several inches of snow on the ground, with more continuously falling) Whoa!  When did that happen?!

Weather Elf: As soon as I got here, and all the while we’ve been… chatting.

Resident: (Still staring out the window in awe, and now softly smiling at the beauty of the winter wonderland) Wow….

Weather Elf: I know, right?  (Inspects fingernails smugly) Blizzards are my specialty.

Resident: (Snaps out of trance and whips around to face Weather Elf) “Blizzard”?!  No-no-no, I just wanted a little snow!

Weather Elf: (Lowers hand back down and softly sighs in irritation) Not a mind reader, you know.  This area hasn’t had much snow for years, and you clearly stated “actual snow”, which means you wanted a lot of it to make up for lost accumulation.

Resident: Well, yeah, but not a blizzard!  Just one or two inches to cover the grass and trees so they look like a picture postcard!  (Turns back to the window, places both hands on the glass, and leans in to get a better look) Is it a foot already?!

Weather Elf: You betcha!  I figured 18 inches oughta do it.

Resident: (Turns back to Weather Elf) “18 inches”????!!!!

Weather Elf: Uh-huh.  Haven’t seen that around here in almost 30 years, am-I-right?  Should take you straight back to the glory days of your self-absorbed childhood.  (The two stare at each other for a bit) Wanna go sledding?

Resident: No!  This much snow only means the roads’ll be impassable and people’ll probably lose power, and heat!  (Sinks into the chair and covers face with both hands) Oh no, what’ve I done?!  There was so much damage from the flooding and the winds from the random rainstorms last week, and now this!

Weather Elf: (Gets off the couch to walk over to Resident and pat the latter on the shoulder) There, there – no one’s going to lose power in this one, or get any damage, and the roads’ll stay clear so the only accumulation’ll be on the grass and the trees.  The stuff’ll even miraculously stay off the power lines and any other equipment you mortals need to run your daily lives.  Happy?

Resident: (Looks up at Weather Elf and sniffs) Even my car?

Weather Elf: (Glares at Resident) Yes, even all the cars.  It’ll be an inexplicable phenomenon that all the science nerds will spend the next century trying to figure out – but they never will, tee-hee-hee!  (Resident stares blankly at Weather Elf) C’mon, I gotta have some sprinkling of mischief in this.

Resident: Why?

Weather Elf: It’s a compulsion – can’t be helped.  So, can you finally just enjoy this weather event that you longed for, hm?

Resident: (Looks back out the window and is momentarily hypnotized by the steady snowfall and a passing rabbit hopping by in the calm scene) Yes, I think I can.  (Turns back to Weather Elf) Thank you, I really appreciate it.

Weather Elf: Good, since your eternal soul is now MINE.  (Resident’s eyes widen in horror) Had you there for a second.  I love pulling that one: freaks you mortals out every time.

Resident: No kidding.  But seriously, do I owe you some kind of payment now, like seven years of servitude or something like that?

Weather Elf: No, why would you?  You didn’t ask me specifically to do this and we didn’t sign any agreements beforehand, so why would you owe me anything?

Resident: I dunno, I guess because nothing’s ever free, and “Be careful what you wish for,” and these things always come with strings attached and, you know, everything.

Weather Elf: Well – smart, but not applicable in this case.  I really did grant your wish out of the goodness of my heart.

Resident: Aw.

Weather Elf: And I was extremely bored.

Resident: Ah.

Weather Elf: So – we good here?

Resident: Sounds like it, yeah.  Thanks again; this was… nice.

Weather Elf: You’re welcome.  Enjoy the magic of the season you so desperately crave, while it lasts.  (Pops out of view)

Resident: (Turns back to the window, smiling broadly while watching the snow accumulate another six inches on the grass while avoiding the roads and electrical equipment, then furrows brows in thought) Hmmmmm… I wonder if I can call out for a snow day even though I work from home…?

Weather Elf: (Voice) Don’t push it.