SUNDAY MORNING
(Homeowner 1 opens the front door of a house, takes in a deep breath of the crisp autumn air, and exhales with a smile)
Homeowner 1: (Partially turning to yell indoors) Honey?
Homeowner 2: (From somewhere deep inside the house) Yeah?
Homeowner 1: I’m gonna go rake the leaves!
Homeowner 2: All right, have fun. Oh, could you also make sure the gutters are cleared out before you stop for the day, please? I don’t want a repeat of last year.
Homeowner 1: Consider it done! (Exits the house, grabs a sturdy rake, several large brown paper bags, and a garbage can, and hauls them to the edge of the leaf-carpeted lawn) At last we meet on the field of battle. (Looks up at one of the trees on the lawn that still has leaves clinging to the branches, and shakes a fist at it in defiance) Do your worst, foul fiend!
Tree 1: <Buffoon. Humans always make more work for themselves when if they had just let Nature take its course, this would all be fine for the ground and gone by spring.>
Tree 2: (Across the lawn) <Well, we all know that most of them are lacking the basic instructions on planet stewardship, so we really can’t expect much intuitive knowledge on that front now can we?>
Tree 1: <I suppose not.>
Homeowner 1: (Raking frantically, speaking to the fallen leaves) You will not defeat me!
Tree 1: <They
certainly are entertaining, though.>
SUNDAY AFTERNOON
Homeowner 2: (Opens the front door and stands in the entrance) Honey?
Homeowner 1: (Still raking frantically, in a different section of the front lawn) Yeah?
Homeowner 2: I paid all the bills and made an apple pie – you wanna take a break and have lunch or something?
Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly to wipe sweat from brow) Nope! Thanks, but I’m on a roll!
Homeowner 2: (Glances over at the growing leaf pile) Maybe you should start bagging those.
Homeowner 1: (Pauses again to look at the pile that is almost at eye level, then shakes head) Later – I’m on a roll!
Homeowner 2: All right, then. (Closes the front door) Whatever floats your boat. (Goes into the kitchen and digs into the pie).
(Homeowner 1 continues to rake frantically at a steady pace as three neighborhood kids pull up to the curb on their bikes)
Kid 1: Hey, nice leaf pile.
Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly) Thank you! (Resumes raking)
Kid 2: You mind if we jump in it?
Homeowner 1: (Without stopping) Go right ahead! (Gestures to the opposite side of the large pile) Plenty of room for you all to romp!
Kid 3: Awesome!
(As they dismount, Kid 1 whistles and waves toward the end of the street; about 20 more kids ride up and dismount, and they all jump into the huge pile at different levels)
Kid 4: (Partially climbs up Tree 2 to jump onto the top of the pile) YIPPEE! [WHOMP]
Tree 2: <I feel like I should be insulted, but no harm done I suppose.>
Homeowner 1:
(Pauses briefly to beam over the spectacle) And just like that, I’ve become the
cool neighbor. (Doubles the raking
speed)
SUNDAY EVENING
Homeowner 2: (Opens the front door and stands in the entrance) Honey?
Homeowner 1: (Raking frantically, now on the far side of the lawn; the neighborhood kids have long since left, and the Sun is setting) Yeah?
Homeowner 2: You wanna come in for dinner?
Homeowner 1: I’m on a roll!
Homeowner 2: You’ll have raked the entire neighborhood at this rate.
Homeowner 1: (Stops to look at the pile, which is now 10 feet tall and 7 feet wide) Are you kidding? This is just from the trees on our lawn, not even counting the imports – I never knew they could shed so much, and there’s still more up there! (Resumes raking)
Tree 1: <Heh-heh-heh.>
Homeowner 2: Well, make sure you come in some time tonight, then.
Homeowner 1: I still gotta do the gutters after this!
Homeowner 2: The gutters can wait.
Homeowner 1: Oh good, `cause I’m on a roll!
Homeowner 2: (Sighs) Good night. (Closes the front door)
Homeowner 1: (Intensely
focused on raking; mutters to the leaves) I have you now….
SATURDAY MORNING
(Several news vans, reporters, crews, and neighbors mass around the front of Homeowner 1’s and 2’s property, surrounding the centerpiece that is the gigantic leaf pile in the center of the lawn)
Reporter: (Addressing a camera over the sound of a nearby leaf blower and in front of kids lined up to jump onto and into the leaf pile) We’re coming to you live from Smalltown, USA, where behind me you can see what could possibly be the new record holder for the World’s Largest Pile of Leaves at an astounding – (Is handed a piece of paper from a crew member, who also is holding a large ruler) 55 feet and 10 inches high, 21 feet and 3 inches wide, and growing. My goodness.
(The camera swings over to Homeowner 1, who is raking frantically from the backyard to the front as Homeowner 2 watches helplessly)
Homeowner 1: (To Homeowner 2) You know there’re always more back here! (Rakes uninterrupted)
Reporter: (To the camera as Homeowner 2 approaches the news crew) We have been unable to speak just yet with the homeowner now known affectionately as “The Raker” due to the work in progress, but perhaps we can get an interview with the other party on the scene. (To Homeowner 2) Excuse me, could we have a few words for the viewers at home?
Homeowner 2: Sure. Normally I’d cuss you all out for invasion of privacy and say you’re just encouraging him, but I don’t think he even noticed you’re here so go ahead.
Reporter: Thank you. Tell me, do you think an end is in sight soon for this amazing pile of arboreal detritus, or will it continue to grow indefinitely until it has consumed the entire neighborhood, and possibly beyond?
Homeowner 2: I don’t know what to think anymore! I want my lawn back! (Is distracted by the leaf blower increasing in volume; turns along with the camera to see a neighbor blowing leaves from an adjoining property onto theirs and smiling) WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT??!! (The neighbor skedaddles; turns with the camera back to Reporter) You see what I mean?! Between stuff like that, kids jumping in and out of the pile at all hours of the day and night, and all sorts of creatures deciding this is a condominium built just them, I curse the day that pile was first created, you hear me, I curse it!
Reporter: (Nods in sympathy) Understandable. And your concerns for The Raker?
Homeowner 2: He started this nightmare – he can finish it! I’m moving! (Runs back into the house and slams the front door)
Reporter: (Turns back to the camera as Homeowner 1 dumps a mini-pile onto the main attraction) There you have it, folks: dedication, or obsession? You decide. (Notices that Homeowner 1 has returned to the front lawn) Ooh, let’s see if we can get a quote from the source. (Reporter and the camera approach Homeowner 1) Excuse me! (Homeowner 1 briefly looks up, then resumes raking frantically I was wondering if there was anything you’d like to say on the record regarding your… endeavor?
Homeowner 1: (Eyes blazing with fervor, rakes even faster) I’M ON A ROLL!
Reporter: (Back to the camera as raking, pile-jumping, and Homeowner 2-leaving continue in the background) “On a roll”, indeed. Thank you for joining us today, and after what we’ve just witnessed, please: Rake Responsibly.
