Story 524: Puzzle Revenge

            (In an office conference room, Employee 1 concludes a slide presentation)

Employee 1: And so, if we follow this plan exactly as-is with absolutely no margin for error, by next quarter we will have transformed seamlessly from a trillion-dollar company into a quadrillion-dollar company!  And then, it’s only a matter of time until we hit the quintillion-dollar category, but why dream small?!  (Closes down the presenting screen and bows slightly) I thank you for your time and attention.

(Manager and five of the attendees stare in shock for several moments, then simultaneously stand and burst into applause with a few approving whistles thrown in for good measure)

Manager: (Still clapping, with tears streaming) That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life!

Employee 1: (Ducks head bashfully) Aw shucks; thank you.

Manager: (Approaches Employee 1 to pat the latter on the shoulder) I can see now that you’re really going places, kid – keep up the good work!

Employee 1: Thanks!  I sure will!  (Starts cleaning up notes as Manager and the five attendees leave the conference room)

Attendee 1: (Voice in the hall) We’re gonna be rich!

Attendee 2: (Voice in the hall) – er!

Attendee 1: (Cackles) Rich – er!

(The multiple cackling fades away as Employee 1 smiles to self, then suddenly looks up as a slow clap begins at the far end of the conference table)

Employee 2: (To the sound of each clap) Well – well – well.  (Stops the clap to sit up straighter) Look who’s made it to –

Employee 1: (Had started speaking at the same time) Oh, you’re still here?

Employee 2: What?

Employee 1: Sorry; go ahead.

Employee 2. Well, now my timing’s all thrown off and I forgot what I was going to lead with.

Employee 1: You started at “Well – well – well”; does that help?

Employee 2: Ah!  Yes, thank you.  (Leans back in the chair, steeples fingers, smirks smugly, and clears throat) Well – well – well.  Look who’s made it to the big time.

Employee 1: Oh, yes indeed – I thought the presentation went well, don’t you?

Employee 2: (Drops the hands and the smirk) That entire presentation was MINE!

Employee 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Oh right, it was.  Great job; it really conveyed the information clearly.

Employee 2: Why, thank you – thief!

Employee 1: Huh?

Employee 2: I created that presentation, not you!

Employee 1: We established that, yes?

Employee 2: So you copied the files from the shared drive and just now passed off all my hard work as your own!

Employee 1: Yes?

Employee 2: …So that’s stealing and wrong!

Employee 1: (Thinks for a few more seconds, shrugs, finishes collecting the papers and the laptop, and begins to leave) If you say so.

Employee 2: (Leaps out of the chair to dart into Employee 1’s path) Anyone would say so!  I know I can’t prove it to your new fan club out there, but don’t worry – (Voice drops to a deadly whisper) I will have my revenge.

Employee 1: Sounds great; see you at the team-building event this afternoon, yeah?  (Walks around Employee 2 and exits the conference room, whistling)

Employee 2: (Turns to stare with narrowed eyes at the retreating figure) What a diabolical ditz….

THE NEXT MORNING

(Employee 1 is at home eating breakfast and hears a thud at the front door; opening it, a courier is seen running down the driveway to the parked truck and then driving off)

Employee1: (Shakes head) Just like “The Elves and the Shoemaker”.  (Looks down and sees a package that had been tossed against the front door, then brings it inside, opens it at the kitchen table, takes out a card that reads “To My Mortal Frenemy – May This Bring Many Hours of Non-Enjoyment, BWAHAHAHAHA (imagine a supervillain’s evil laughter with that last bit)!  Signed, You-Better-Know-Who”, and lays down the card to think) I wonder who that could be?  (Shrugs, then takes out another box from inside the package and sees that it is a small puzzle with 13 pieces; reads the photo-less cover) “Millions of possibilities – can you wrestle out the right one?”  Well, yes, this clearly is meant to be completed by an infant.  (Opens the box and quickly flips over the pieces) Aw, it’s a bunch of frolicking butterflies – easy-peasy.  (Within five minutes, assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –

ONE WEEK LATER

(Employee 2 cheerfully raps on Employee 1’s front door; after several minutes of repeated rapping, Employee 1 opens the door appearing extremely haggard and wearing the same outfit as in the previous week)

Employee 1: (Voice creaky from disuse) Hello?

Employee 2: (Barely containing glee) Since you clearly haven’t checked your messages, I volunteered to come and tell you that you’ve been fired for violating the company’s job abandonment policy – however, upper management loved “your” presentation so much they’re willing to take you back if you agree to make that project your sole priority in life for the next five years, minimum.  I also graciously volunteered to assist you with all that.  (Employee 1 stares blankly at Employee 2, who chokes down a laugh) On a related note, I assume you got my… present?

Employee 1: (Finally stirs) Oh, that was from you?  Yes, I’ve had a devil of a time trying to get these blasted butterflies to fit together – every time I think I’ve got the thing solved, a head suddenly doesn’t match a thorax, or a wing’s slightly off.

Employee 2: Dear me, that does sound like a pickle.

Employee 1: Would you like to check it out?  I don’t mine someone else taking all the glory at this point.

Employee 2: (Mutters) That’d be a first.

Employee 1: What was that?

Employee 2: I would be delighted.  (They both enter the kitchen and sit at opposite sides of the table; Employee 1 takes apart the puzzle and within five minutes Employee 2 assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –

TWELVE HOURS LATER

Employee 2: Oh, wait –

Employee 1: (Awakens from a doze) You know, I just now understand the message you sent, that this – (Gestures at the puzzle) is meant to drive me bonkers as a sort of revenge for stealing your work.  (Nods thoughtfully) Most effective, I must say.

Employee 2: (Blearily looks up at Employee 1) Yes: it seems in my quest for vengeance, I have become a monster.  Didn’t see that coming.

Employee 1: Hm.... Have another go?

Employee 2: (Takes apart the puzzle) Of course.

Story 516: Interdepartmental Brainstorming

             (In an office, Coworker 1 sits at a desk and taps the same computer key over and over with no change in the result)

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2 sitting at the next desk over) Hey, boss?

Coworker 2: (Without looking away from editing a novel) Sssshhhh... trying to keep that tidbit of knowledge on a minimum distribution basis.

Coworker 1: Really?  I figured everyone else knew you were CEO but me.

Coworker 2: No, and I’d like to keep it that way for as long as possible – what’s up?

Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the computer screen and then back at Coworker 2) Would you be able to help me with a spreadsheet?

Coworker 2: No.

Coworker 1: …“No” because you can’t or “No” because you won’t?

Coworker 2: Both.  (Turns to Coworker 1) No matter where you are on the corporate ladder, you can only climb up it by delegating as much of your work as possible.

Coworker 1: This was delegated to me.

Coworker 2: Oh.  Stinks to be you, then.  (Returns to copy editing)

(Coworker 1’s desk phone rings)

Coworker 1: (Picks up the receiver and cradles it on one shoulder in order to continue typing) Accounts Payable.

Coworker 3: (Voice) Thank goodness you’re at your desk – we have an escalating crisis here, and I’m not handling it very well!

Coworker 1: Huh?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, we’ve got a situation going on and we’ve exhausted all our mental resources so we figured why not ask you next.

Coworker 1: Thanks, I think – am I on speaker phone?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, there are about 10 of us here representing 17 departments.

Coworkers 5-12: (Voices) Hi.

Coworker 9: (Voice) Make that 20 departments – I just got assigned two more this morning, ahahahahaha – !  (Dissolves into sobs)

Coworker 1: Whoa, wait a minute, this sounds like a bit much, I think I should get my manager – (Sees Coworker 2 shaking head and mouthing “No”) hold on – (Covers up the phone’s mouthpiece and whispers to Coworker 2) Why not?  You said I should delegate.

Coworker 2: Yeah, delegate down or lateral – never delegate up if you can help it.  Isn’t there someone else in your department you can dump this on – I mean, assign this to?

Coworker 1: I think they’re all on lunch right now and I’m the only chump working.  (Uncovers the phone) So, how can I help you?

Coworker 3: (Voice) Well, check requests were submitted and approved for purchase orders, and the checks were sent out but now nobody knows where they went!

Coworker 1: Did you check – heh-heh, sorry – with the courier?

Coworker 4: (Voice) First thing we did: documented as delivered, but no checks in sight.

Coworker 1: Maybe they got mailed for deposit right after?

Coworker 5: (Voice) Already looked – no record!

Coworker 1: Still: might’ve gone out and someone forgot to record it.

Coworker 5: (Voice) I’m the one who tracks those!

Coworker 1: OK… and….

Coworker 5: (Voice) I didn’t forget!  There are no checks to be had here!

Coworker 1: (Starts rubbing forehead to ward off a headache) OK, then maybe they were delivered to the wrong department?

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) We asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: No one asked this department.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) …Did you get any checks lately you shouldn’t’ve?

Coworker 1: (Sighs) No.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) Now we asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: OK, OK, if, by chance, they went somewhere else… outside the building… dropped onto the sidewalk… do you want me to look up whether they were deposited by someone else?

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) YES!

Coworker 1: (Holds phone away from ear for a few seconds) All right, send me the invoice numbers and I’ll contact the bank.

Coworker 2: (Voice echoes through Coworker 1’s phone earpiece and Coworker 2’s phone’s speaker) Can you CC me on the e-mails, please?

Coworker 1: (Looks distractedly at Coworker 2) Yeah…. (Covers up the mouthpiece and whispers again) How’d you get on this call, too?!

Coworker 2: (Hits “Mute” on the phone) They conferenced me in – guess it’s important.

Coworker 1: Great, that’s just perfect – (Uncovers the mouthpiece) Once I get the invoice numbers, I’ll get right on it and let you know when I hear back.

Coworker 6: (Voice zooms in) Could you expedite that so we know what happened ASAP?  It’s a lot of money.

Coworker 1: Sure, just…. (Keeps refreshing the e-mail inbox) I need the e-mail first before I can do anything.

Coworker 3: (Voice with sounds of rapid keystrokes underneath) I’m typing as fast as I can!  It’s about 50 invoices!

Coworker 1: WHAT?!  And the checks all just disappeared?!

Coworker 3: (Voice) Yes!  You understand now why we’re all freaking out?!

Coworker 1: (Holding head with one hand and the receiver with the other) Wait, so that many checks would’ve been delivered in a bigger package, then – did you get any boxes dropped off there recently?

Coworker 3: (Typing stops; sounds of rustling papers and heavier objects being dropped; voice) No – just the stationery delivery – ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Coworkers 4-12: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Coworker 1: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” what?!

Coworker 7: (Voice) We never actually read the label on this thing.

Coworker 11: (Voice in the distance) Checks always arrive in large envelopes, you know?

Coworker 4: (Voice) We ordered stationery recently and this looks just like that box those arrive in, so uncanny –

Coworker 1: (Head is now lying on the desk; muffled into the phone) Does the label say “Accounts Payable” on it?

Coworker 3: (Sounds of ripping packaging; voice) Yes!  Yes!  The checks are all in here, yay!

Coworkers 4-12: (Voices) YAY!

Coworker 1: (Still on the desk) Yay.

Coworker 2: (Turns off “Mute”; voice echoes again) Great job, team, glad that’s all resolved now, keep up the good work!  I have a meeting in five so I’m signing off now, bye!

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYE!

Coworker 1: (Sits up as Coworker 2 lifts the receiver to end the call on that phone; to the others) So, do you need anything else from me?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Nope, we’re all good now, thanks!

Coworker 1: OK.  Bye.

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

(Coworker 1 gently hangs up the phone and stares into the middle distance)

Coworker 2: (Smirks at Coworker 1) I’m proud of you.

Coworker 1: I feel like I just ran a mini-marathon without physically moving from this spot.

Coworker 2: And that, is why, you delegate.

Story 469: The Benefits of Owning Your Mistakes

(In a large office)

Coworker 1: (Speaking to the computer monitor while addressing Coworker 2 at the next desk over) It’s great that we get two weeks’ vacation a year, but what if somebody takes them a full week at a time and just wants an extra day here and there to do absolutely nothing, or errands, and doesn’t want to use sick time in case they jinx themselves into getting sick and actually need those days?

Coworker 2: (Trying to solve a differential equation for a school project) Uhhhhh-huhhhhh….

Coworker 1: Just a few extra float days each year is all I’m saying; it’s not like we’re asking for sabbaticals or year-long parental leaves, although those also would be nice – (Reads an e-mail and suddenly chokes) Oh no – oh no – oh no –

Coworker 2: (Half-looks over) “Oh” what?

Coworker 1: (Types and clicks the mouse frantically) Shoot – shoot – shoot – SHOOT – SHOOT – !

Coworker 2: (Fully looks over) Easy there, chum, you’re skirting the edges of acceptable language and volume.  What happened?

Coworker 1: (With an extremely wan face, turns to Coworker 2) Remember that memo I sent to I.T. last week telling them to turn off the thing for the thing?

Coworker 2: (Looks up briefly to think) …No.

Coworker 1: Well, I did, and they did, and I just now got an e-mail from somebody trying to access the thing, and I just now realized I shouldn’t have told them to turn off the thing because of a lot of people actually’ll still need it, and I also just now realized this is going to mess up so many other things company-wide if it hasn’t already, and I have no idea how to fix it because it can’t be undone, and what am I gonna do???!!!

Coworker 2: (Shrugs and resumes homework) Only thing you can do: own it.

Coworker 1: (Slumps in seat) Ohhhh, that’s going to hurt soooo muchhhh – but you’re saying I should `cause it’s the right thing to do, right?

Coworker 2: “Right thing to do” doesn’t factor into my equations.

Coworker 1: So… what does?

Coworker 2: (Turns back to Coworker 1) If this thing has had as big an impact on the company as you think it does, then there’s no getting out of it being traced back to you.  No amount of whining or groveling will save you from the inevitable backlash, so the only thing you can do now is get ahead of the whole mess and do a proverbial fall your proverbial sword.

Coworker 1: Sounds Shakespearean, but I never read any of that.

Coworker 2: Yeah.  Basically, fess up to what happened, take all responsibility for anything and everything that might have happened or possibly will happen, and report yourself to H.R. or Corporate or whatever.  Everyone will love you for your honesty and self-recrimination, and go out of their way not to punish you.

Coworker 1: (Sniffs back tears) Really?  Just like that?

Coworker 2: Yep.  But you’ve got an extremely narrow window of opportunity to play this golden card, so I say if you’re gonna do it, do it now.

Coworker 1: (Thinks this over, nods, and stands) You’re right; I’m off to trip on my dagger, then!  (Runs to Manager’s office)

Coworker 2: (Briefly looks after Coworker 1) It’s fall on your – ah, forget it.  (Submits the solved problem and returns to working on a doctoral dissertation)

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (On the phone) I’m telling you, they’re getting weirder by the minute –

Coworker 1: (Bursts through the door) I DID IT!

Manager: Speaking of; gotta go.  (Hangs up the phone and stares calmly at Coworker 1) Have a seat.  (Coworker 1 sits decidedly) So, what’s up?

Coworker 1: I messed up big time, Boss!

Manager: Take it down a notch.

Coworker 1: Sorry – I ruined everything for everyone.

Manager: How’s that?

Coworker 1: I told I.T. to turn off the thing for the thing instead of leaving it alone `cause apparently a lot of people are still using the thing –

Manager: I’ll say: I need to use the thing myself later today.

Coworker 1: Well, it’s irrevocably turned off, I did it, and I ruined everything, it was me, all me!  (Lowers head to the desk and sobs hysterically)

Manager: Oh, you’re crying now.  Well, thank you for notifying me as soon as you found out; we’ll figure out how to deal with it, then.  (Starts typing on the computer) Now get out before I get angry.

Coworker 1: (Scurries back to Coworker 2) I’m going to cautious-optimistically say that your suggestion worked – how did you know?

Coworker 2: (Processing an experiment) Trial and error.

Coworker 1: Oh.  Anyway, so far I think I’m all right –

Coworker 3: (Passing by) Hey: heard you took the blame for having I.T. turn off the thing for the thing.

Coworker 1: Yes-I-did-it-all-it-was-me-from-the-very-beginning-I’m-so-sorrrryyy!!!

Coworker 3: OK; just wanted to say don’t worry about it, happens to us all, we’ll figure it out together, no matter what we’ve got your back.  (Lightly slaps said back and leaves)

Coworker 1: …Maybe I should mess up more often.

 THE FOLLOWING WEEK

(In a conference room before a presentation)

Coworker 4: (Standing at a computer terminal) All right, who forgot to update the slides with this quarter’s data?!

Coworker 1: (Raises hand wildly) Ooh, ooh, me, it was my turn and I completely forgot, and now I ruined everything for our group, I’m so sorry!!

Coworker 4: OK, calm down, I’ll tell them we’ll send the data later.  Respect your honesty; it takes a lot of guts not to worm your way out of this one.

Coworker 1: (Leans back in chair and folds hands behind head) Yes.  Yes it does.

 THE FOLLOWING WEEK

(In the office common area, a group of coworkers meet in a circle)

Coworker 5: Now I know somebody here dropped the ball in not following policy, and we’re all going to get cited for it even though the rest of us didn’t do it, and I’m so mad I could spit!

Coworker 1: It was me!  I dropped the ball that’ll get all of us in trouble!  I can’t bear my mistake-riddled self; I never do anything right!  (Hunches over, weeping)

Coworker 5: (Pats Coworker 1’s shoulder) Hey, it’s OK, we can work around this, it’s not as bad as I thought at first.  You all right, buddy?

Coworker 1: (Straightens up immediately, dry-eyed) I’ll manage.

 THE FOLLOWING WEEK

(Coworker 6 approaches Coworkers 1’s desk)

Coworker 6: Hey: without this one piece to the project, the whole thing’s gonna fall apart!  What happened?!

Coworker 1: (Has feet propped up on the desk and is snacking on popcorn) Oh, I completely forgot to enter that in; no excuse; I embrace all responsibility for that oversight; please do forgive my egregious error.

Coworker 6: Well, I appreciate that; I’ll try to figure out how to fix this, then.  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) So, it seems by doing everything wrong lately, I can do no wrong lately.

Coworker 2: (Without looking away from the computer screen) Does it now.

Manager: (Passing by, to Coworker 1) Yeah, you’re fired.

Coworker 1: (Drops feet back to the ground and spills the popcorn) Huh?!

Manager: You’ve been doing nothing but mistakes lately, and who needs that?  Get your error-prone self out of here.  (Leaves)

(Coworker 1 stares at Coworker 2 in accusatory shock)

Coworker 2: (Preparing to give a commencement speech at a virtual graduation ceremony; to Coworker 1) Never overplay the golden card: it stops working at a certain point.

Story 423: Sometimes You Just Have to Walk Away

 (In an office, Coworker 1 is on the desk phone while clicking the computer’s mouse frantically and tapping the computer’s keys harshly)

Coworker 1: Uh-huh…. (Click-click-click-CLICK, tap-tap-TAP-TAP-TAP) But I – no, go ahead…. (TAP.  TAP.  TAP) Yeah, but…. I’m trying, but…. Uhhh-huhhh…. (TAP.  TAP.  TAP-TAP.  CLICK-CLICK-CLIIIIIICK – ) Oops….  What?  No, sorry, my computer’s acting up, I have to call I.T., you mind if we talk about this later?... Yeah-thanks-bye.  (Disconnects the call, slams the receiver onto the cradle, grabs either side of the computer’s monitor, and slowly leans forward to gently crash into the screen)

Coworker 2: (Peers over the top of the neighboring cubicle wall) Bad day?

Coworker 1: Always.  I think that means the problem is me: it can’t be that everyone in the world has lost their minds, so it must be me, right?

Coworker 2: Probably.  Still, sometimes it helps to just walk away from it all for a little bit.

Coworker 1: (Picks up the phone again) Shyeah, right; first I have to call I.T. to fix the computer I just crashed, and then I have to figure out a way to keep working on the 50 billion simultaneous projects going on here, without a computer, while more “emergency” projects are lining up in the wings waiting to make their entrance stage left, so, no break for me, or anybody, ever.

Coworker 2: (Now leaning on the top of the cubicle wall) Well, the work’ll still be here when you get back, plus there’ll always be more no matter what you do, and it really isn’t that bad if the majority of them are finished late, so you might as well step away from all of it even for a few minutes.  I find it usually clears my head and helps me figure out stuff I thought was unsolvable – changed my life.

Coworker 1: (While on hold) Hmmmmm….

I.T. Automated Attendant: Please continue to hold.  Your call is very – ah, forget it, we’ll get to you when we can get to you, all right?!  (Heavy metal starts playing as the hold music)

Coworker 1: (Raises an eyebrow at the receiver, then hangs up; looks up at Coworker 2) You know what?  I’m going to take your advice and go walk around here for five-ish minutes, right now.  (Stands and walks out of the cubicle) Thanks!

Coworker 2: No problem.  (Lowers back to the desk and resumes writing programs to embezzle company funds)

(Coworker 1 navigates the cubicle maze, a spring in the step emerging as the minutes tick on.  After passing by a certain one, Coworker 3 leans out of the cubicle without getting up from the chair)

Coworker 3: Hey!

Coworker 1: (Hesitates, then turns around) Hm?

Coworker 3: How’s the computer?

Coworker 1: Oh, still waiting for I.T. to fix it.

Coworker 3: (Laughs in disgust) They’re the worst, aren’t they?

Coworker 1: (In a small voice) Not really.

Coworker 3: (Finally stands and walks over to Coworker 1) Listen, continuing our conversation from earlier, you really need to start –

Coworker 1: (Grabs cell phone out of pants pocket and looks at the blank screen) Ah jeez, debt collector’s calling me again – (Holds phone up to ear, one finger out to Coworker 3, and starts walking away) Sorry, gotta take this – (To the phone) Yeah, whaddya want now?... Well, the money’s not gonna magically appear whenever you decide to call me, now is it?

Coworker 3: (Returns to desk, muttering) Weirdo.

(Coworker 1 returns to desk, sighs, and signs back into the computer)

Coworker 1: (After resuming work in a few applications) Wait a minute, this is working just fine now, how’d that even happen?

Coworker 2: (Voice through the wall) It probably needed a break, too.

Coworker 1: Well, your advice worked – I feel much better now and ready to tackle the rest of the day, so thanks again!

Coworker 2: Sure thing.  Least I could do before all is revealed.

Coworker 1: What?

Coworker 2: What?

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is attending a video conference while in the cubicle)

Speaker: (On the computer screen) – and according to our projections, if we continue to somehow keep losing money even while operating at a profit –

Coworker 1: (Picks up the non-ringing desk phone) Hello?  (Mouths to the camera “Gotta take this,” turns the camera off, hangs up the phone, and strolls out of the cubicle, whistling) I could get used to this.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In a conference room)

Manager: Now I’m going to put on the 45-minute video that’ll cover what we’ve been discussing for the last 45 minutes.  (Coworker 4 raises hand) Yes?

Coworker 4: Is it animated?

Manager: No.

Coworker 4: Shucks.

(Manager dims the lights and brings up the video to display on a large screen)

Coworker 1: Ooh, you know what, I forgot my pen and notepad at my desk – buried there somewhere – start without me!  (Leaves the conference room and returns more than 20 minutes later)

Manager: (Icy whisper) Find your pen?

Coworker 1: No, so I had to settle for a pencil.

Manager: (Looks down at Coworker 1’s hands) So where is it?  And the pad?!

Coworker 1: (Also looks down at hands) Huh.  Knew I was forgetting something.  (Leaves the conference room and returns more than 20 minutes later)

Manager: [Grinds teeth at Coworker 1]

Coworker 1: (Relaxedly settles back in a chair, tossing the notepad and pencil on the table) Aaaah, so, where are we?

Coworker 4: (Leaning on hand) Pretty much the end.

Coworker 1: Yay – I mean, too bad.  Can anyone fill me in?

Coworker 4: Probably not.  (Gestures at the dozing attendees)

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In Coworker 1’s cubicle)

Coworker 3: (Standing over the seated Coworker 1) – and you never listen, you just do whatever you want to do because you know better, everybody else here may like you but I know you’re just the worst, and – (Coworker 1 stands up and walks past Coworker 3) Hey, where’re you going?

Coworker 1: Away.  (Takes the elevator to the ground floor and goes sits in the nearby garden that none of the other employees ever visit)

Coworker 3: (Stands in the hallway staring after Coworker 1 long after the latter has left, then notices that Coworker 2, wearing summer clothes and carrying a suitcase, also is watching from around the cubicle corner) Can you believe that one?

Coworker 2: Yes.

Coworker 3: So rude!  No – so unprofessional! 

Coworker 2: …You project a lot of your insecurities onto other people’s motives, you know that?

Coworker 3: (Shifts away to leave) Maybe.

Coworker 1: (In the garden, leans down to sniff a rose and stops) Ooh, a butterfly!  How serene.

 SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (To Coworker 1) Sit down, please.  (Coworker 1 does so) First of all, you may have heard by now that your cubicle neighbor managed to embezzle millions of dollars from this company by installing a program that pretended to prevent that exact event from occurring.  The irony is lost on no one.

Coworker 1: (In a reverent whisper) They walked away….

Manager: (Pauses) Yeah, that brings me to my next point: seeing as our insurance covers some of the loss but not all of it, and you’ve been demonstrating a very absentee attitude toward your job lately, we decided to recoup some of this debacle by terminating you – and several dozen of your colleagues.

Coworker 1: (Stands abruptly) But it works!  Walking away has solved everything – I’ve never been more productive!

Manager: Yes you have: your work started getting better for a few days, but the more mini-breaks you take the fewer projects I’ve been seeing actually getting done.  This week alone I think you’ve been in that garden out there for more hours than you were at your desk!

Coworker 1: It’s very calming!

Manager: I’m sure it is – go find another one to help you cope in your battle with Unemployment.  (Dismissively waves away Coworker 1 to be escorted by a Security Officer, and prepares to call in Coworker 3 next)

Coworker 1: (Slumps back to the cubicle and is handed a box by the Security Officer to clean out the desk) Wow, I never realized I’d brought so much junk in here.  (Sets down the box and turns to leave the cubicle) This is all a bit overwhelming right now – maybe if I just walked away from it for a little bit –

Security Officer: (Blocks exit) Nothing doing: I want to keep this job. 

Coworker 1: (Slumps back to piling stuff into the box) You know, I still think it was good advice, but I forgot one thing.

Security Officer: What’s that?

Coworker 1: Everything in moderation.

Story 418: Daylight Diminishing

 FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5

            (In an office)

Coworker 1: (Blankly staring at a spreadsheet full of numbers on the computer screen; to Coworker 2 sitting nearby) You know, it’s afternoons like these that I start to forget what the outdoors look like.

Coworker 2: (Also blankly staring at a spreadsheet full of numbers on the computer screen) Know what you mean, and it’s about to get worse: this Sunday’s when we turn the clocks back an hour.

Coworker 1: (Perks up a bit) Oh yeah?  Sweet – an extra hour of sleep this weekend.

Coworker 2: That we pay for the rest of autumn and all of winter with fewer hours of sunshine during the day.

Coworker 1: Oh.  (Crumples to the desk as this sinks in) Ohhhh, noooo....

Coworker 2: In a month and a half we start getting a minute of sunshine back each day, but, you know, damage has been done.  Sun’s usually gone by 4:30 the latest for ages; I don’t notice a difference until at least March.

Coworker 1: [Groans into the desk]

Coworker 2: Yeah, you’d think we’d all be used to this by now, but it just feels worse every year, at least to me.  Maybe our political representatives will finally pass a bipartisan bill stopping the whole clock-change bit and there’ll be peace throughout the land, but even if that ever happened there’d still be fewer hours of daylight for a bunch of months outta the year, no matter what hemisphere you’re in.  Only way to avoid it is moving to the equator and get 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night all year long, which I’m too lazy to do.

Coworker 1: (Stands up and shuts down the computer) On that note, I’m leaving for the week and going to bed early Saturday night just so I can revel in the extra sleep and not dwell on the cost.

Coworker 2: (Nods as Coworker 1 leaves, still staring at the computer screen) Have a good weekend – see you dim and early on Monday.

 MONDAY, NOVEMBER 8

(Coworker 2 is at the desk, still staring at the spreadsheet, at Coworker 1 enters)

Coworker 1: Mornin’ – I overslept when the random rooster by my apartment complex didn’t do its thing until way later than usual.  How’d you do with the change yesterday?

Coworker 2: Slept about the same four hours I normally do when gaming on weekends.  My own fault.

Coworker 1: (Starts up the computer and settles in for the work week with a sigh) Yep, here we go again, plunging into increasing night – see you on December 21.

 TUESDAY, DECEMBER 21

 Coworker 1: This is it!

Coworker 2: (Awakens from a half-doze while staring at the same spreadsheet from the previous month) Wha-what, another fire drill?

Coworker 1: No, I’m talking about how today’s the day where we take back the sun!

Coworker 2: (Rubs eye) All right, I admit it, my brain was taking a break back there and is still restarting – maybe say it again slower?

Coworker 1: (Picks up a desktop calendar and points to the date) Winter solstice!  Now our hemisphere’ll start tilting toward the sun again and we’ll get back more hours of daylight, woo-ho!  (Picks up the desk phone to speak into the receiver) Too bad for you all Down Under, but we northerners have suffered enough!  (Hangs up triumphantly)

Coworker 2: You realize it’s only a minute a day, right?

Coworker 1: I don’t care!  I just feel so much better about everything now that the days will be brighter longer!  Our star’s the best, isn’t it?  (Beamingly stares out the window)

Coworker 2: If you’re looking for the sunset to take place a smidgen later than it did yesterday, our windows face east on this side of the building.

Coworker 1: (Still smiling out the window) I know!

Coworker 2: (Turns back to the computer screen and mutters) Oh my.

 MONDAY, FEBRUARY 28

Coworker 1: (Upon entering the office, beelines to Coworker 2 and whispers frantically) Can I talk to you about something?

Coworker 2: Not if you’re going to be creepy about it, no.  (Points to Coworker 1’s chair) Go sit in your spot and tell me from over there like normal.

Coworker 1: (Sits, wheels chair over, and whispers again) I don’t want to say this too loudly and start a panic –

Coworker 2: There’s one other employee on this floor after last year’s budget cuts, so no fear of that.

Coworker 1: Here goes: I don’t think we got the sun back.

Coworker 2: (Looks around the sunlight-filled room) Want to try that again?

Coworker 1: Oh yes, it’s still there, it’s always physically there, but I don’t think we got any of the minutes back like we were promised.  What I mean is, I don’t think the Northern Hemisphere is tilting toward again it like it’s supposed to.

Coworker 2: Whaddya mean?  It’s been lighter longer lately.

Coworker 1: No it hasn’t!

Coworker 2: Well yeah, I believe I said eons ago that you’re not going to notice a real difference until about spring, but we should have, what, about two hours back now?  Still early evening when the sun’ll set.

Coworker 1: Exactly!  Why is why I’m extremely concerned that we don’t!

Coworker 2: (Blinks slowly) We don’t?

Coworker 1: No!  The sun still sets at 4:30 in the afternoon!  We haven’t gotten back squat!

Coworker 2: But I thought… huh, now that you mention it, I guess it is still setting that early; I never notice things like that.

Coworker 1: Exactly again!  Which is what they’re counting on, until it’s too late!

Coworker 2: “They” who?  Whom?  Who?

Coworker 1: The ones who froze Earth at this tilt on its axis so Up Over is on permanent winter and Down Under is on permanent summer!  That region’s residents were my first suspects, but now they have that much longer exposure to UVB-skin-cancer-causing rays and who would willingly do that to themselves?!

Coworker 2: I think you’re just being paranoid – it’s been a rough winter yet again, and you don’t seem to be handling it well.  (Turns back to the computer screen)

Coworker 1: I’ll remind you of that in a few weeks.

 MONDAY, MARCH 14

Coworker 1: (Upon entering the office) Well?!

Coworker 2: (Still staring at the same spreadsheet from two seasons ago) Well what?

Coworker 1: We sprung ahead an hour yesterday morning: did you happen to notice anything yesterday evening?!

Coworker 2: Yeah, I noticed I was still tired from the lost hour of sleep – really threw off my game.

Coworker 1: No; did you happen to notice the sun IS STILL SETTING AT 4:30 P.M.?!

Coworker 2: (Thinks on this a bit, then shrugs) Maybe it’ll set a bit later today, then.

Coworker 1: No it won’t, it’ll be exactly the same as it’s been for the past four months!  The Earth continues on its orbit but it is no longer wobbling on its axis, and no one else seems to have noticed this but me!!!  All news outlets have been mum, no one has taken the bait when I posted this on social media, and even the conspiracy theorists haven’t pounced on this gold mine of an actual conspiracy!

Coworker 2: (Shrugs again while making an edit to one cell on the spreadsheet) So what if it’s not tilting anymore?  Not a big deal if the sun sets at the same time every day, doesn’t bother me, it seems to fit everything else that’s wrong with this world.

Coworker 1: (Sinks slowly onto the chair) Doesn’t bother – ?!  But the crops – animal migrations – the magnetic poles – the planet will EXPLODE, don’t you see that?!

Coworker 2: (Shrugs again while typing) Then good riddance, I guess.

Coworker 1: No-no-no, not good riddance, we have to do something!

Coworker 2: Like what?  Go out and push it?

Coworker 1: Couldn’t hurt!

(That afternoon the sun sets at exactly 4:30 p.m.)

Coworker 1: (Jumps up and points at the night sky outside the window) You see!  You see!  No extra sunshine, no extra daytime, all the plants will wither, and we’re all doomed!

Coworker 2: (Stares out the window with narrowed eyes) Hmmm….

Coworker 1: What’re we gonna do?!

Coworker 2: (Turns away from the window and adds another row to the spreadsheet) Same thing we do with everything else: just keep doing what we’ve been doing, and distract ourselves with any entertainment we can find in the meantime.

Coworker 1: You – !  (Silently freaks out for a few moments, then sits heavily on the chair) All right: since we’ll never get any superpowers to fix this thing, that’s as good a suggestion as any.