Story 584: Waiting for the Epic Office Romance to Begin

            (In an office hallway, Manager and Employee 1 walk toward a cubicle)

Manager: (As both stop in front of the cubicle entrance) So, I think that covers everything for orientation – any questions for me before you officially start your first day here?

Employee 1: No, I’m all set and ready to begin the next big chapter in my life where I finally find meaning and purpose through serving others and living up to my fullest potential.

Manager: Well, we just sell office supplies here, so don’t get your hopes up too much, heh-heh-heh, [Sigh].  (Appears momentarily deflated)

Employee 1: Oh, the type of work doesn’t matter: as long as I excel in all things and am surrounded by colleagues who are interesting, funny, and/or emotionally deep, I’m sure to find my soulmate in no time.

Manager: …I’m sorry, what?

Employee 1: You know: throw yourself into the job so you can be the best that you can be, all so that when the time is right you are ready and worthy of passionate love from one of your compatible coworkers, and vice versa.  They’re the only people in your life who ever really understand you.

Manager: Um, OK; it’s not exactly against H.R. policy as long as the individuals are in the same pay grade, but interoffice romances aren’t exactly encouraged around here.

Employee 1: Intra.

Manager: What?

Employee 1: Never mind – why not?

Manager: Because they’re been found to be very… disruptive.  And obnoxious.

Employee 1: Well, no need to fear on that account: I’m very discreet.

Manager: That’s not the – look, just do your job, and socialize with your colleagues only at work-sanctioned events, and everything should be fine, m’kay?

Employee 1: Is that an order?

Manager: It’s a strong recommendation.

Employee 1: I’ll take it under advisement, then.

Manager: Please do.  (Gestures to the workspace inside the cubicle) Your desk.  Decorate the space however you wish, as long as it’s rated G.

Employee 1: (Walks into the cubicle and looks around the blank walls, nodding satisfactorily) An empty canvas for my inner self to shine through.

Manager: Swell; I’ve got a meeting – (Checks watch) two minutes ago, but message me if you need anything otherwise.  (Dashes away)

Employee 1: (Sits on a rolling chair and spins slowly, taking in the ambience) Let the great adventure begin….

SIX MONTHS LATER

(In a conference room)

Employee 2: (Standing in front of a screen that shows a presentation and advancing to the last slide) And that’s the end – any questions?  (Employee 3 raises a hand) Yes?

Employee 3: (As Employee 4 yanks the other’s hand down) No.

Employee 2: No?

Employee 4: (Glaring at Employee 3) No!

Employee 2: Ohhh-kaay… anyone else?  (No one moves) All right: if you think of anything later, you know where to find me.  (No one moves) Bye.  (Most of the other attendees quickly leave as Employee 2 starts cleaning up; while shutting down the computer, looks up briefly and sees Employee 1 is now standing in front of the station) Oh, hey; I thought everybody had left.

Employee 1: They did.

Employee 2: (Still working on the computer) Heh, yeah.  (Finishes there, then looks again at Employee 1) So, you have any questions about the presentation you didn’t want to ask in front of the others?

Employee 1: No.

Employee 2: (Awkward silence) OK, then what can I help you with?

Employee 1: That was a very good presentation you did today.

Employee 2: Aw, thanks.

Employee 1: I think you’re a very smart person who will go far in life.

Employee 2: Well, that’s a nice thing to say.

Employee 1: You’re also witty, charming, and fun to be with.

Employee 2: …Thanks?

Employee 1: You also are one of the few people on this planet who truly gets me.  I can tell you anything, and you understand completely.  We are like two pieces who finally realize that they fit together perfectly in the jigsaw puzzle of life.

Employee 2: OK, I gotta stop you right there: are you asking me out on a date or something?

Employee 1: …I was building up to that, yes.

Employee 2: You know I’m married!

Employee 1: But you’ve never really felt true love until you finally met me, right?

Employee 2: No!  I am very much in love with my spouse, both then and now!

Employee 1: So the vows of fidelity weren’t sworn in haste because you’d given up on finding your predestined mate, and you don’t regret having sacrificed your one chance of happiness once I entered your life at last?

Employee 2: (Considers the wording for a few moments) Yessss?  Yes.  I don’t regret anything.  Except this conversation.

Employee 1: (Nods) I understand.  (Walks to the conference room door, then turns back) I suppose this now means you’d rather I wasn’t your partner in the office tennis match this Saturday?

Employee 2: Most definitely so; I’ll take care of switching our teams around.

Employee 1: Very well.  Good-bye forever – you have no idea of the grand romance you’re depriving yourself.

Employee 2: I’ll manage my disappointment somehow.  (Employee 1 leaves) Now where on Earth did that all come from?!  I think we’ve spoken twice in all the time I’ve been here!

SIX MONTHS LATER

(Employee 5 is working in a cubicle)

Employee 5: (Clicking around multiple areas on the computer screen) Copy… and… paste… and… send.  Another report down; 639 to go.

Employee 1: (Sticks in head at the cubicle entrance) Hi, can I talk to you for a minute?

Employee 5: (Turns around in chair) Um, sure, yeah.  (Employee 1 enters) What’s up?

Employee 1: Well, I’ve been in this office for a year now, and not gotten very far.

Employee 5: Oh, that’s too bad: it seems like you’ve been doing OK with all the projects they give you and everything.

Employee 1: (Pacing dramatically within the confined space) Yes-yes, all that’s been fine, and my career development has been phenomenal, but the picture’s incomplete without the love of my life who’s supposed to be here, but so far isn’t.

Employee 5: …Sorry?

Employee 1: (Stops pacing and faces Employee 5) Basically, I stopped by today because I’ve gone through the entire department and still no takers, so that leaves you as a last resort.

Employee 5: …Huh?

Employee 1: Perhaps it was always meant to be this way: casual acquaintances who are barely aware of each other’s existence, suddenly thrown together by happenstance and realize they complement each perfectly, and now will have the lifetime of bliss they so richly deserve and others will envy, `till death do they part.

Employee 5: …What?

Employee 1: I personally prefer the enemies-to-friends-to-lovers route, but hey, I’ll take whatever the universe decides to graciously bestow upon me at this point.

Employee 5: …Eh?

Employee 1: I know, this is all so sudden for both of us, but when true love finally shows up and slaps you in the face, you really should start paying attention, am-I-right?

Employee 5: …Who?

(Manager appears in the cubicle entrance)

Manager: (To Employee 5) Are you OK?

Employee 5: …Yes?

Manager: Good.  (Points to Employee 1) You.  In my office.  Now.  (Leaves)

Employee 1: (To Employee 5) Perhaps Fate will allow us to continue this conversation later, but I doubt it.  Farewell, The One Who Got Away.  (Strides out purposefully)

Employee 5: …Where?

(In Manager’s office several minutes later, Employee 1 enters)

Manager: Close the door.

Employee 1: (On closing the door, sees Manager seated at the desk with H.R. Representative seated nearby) Ah.

Manager: Yes, “Ah”: sit.  (Points to the chair in front of the desk; Employee 1 sits calmly) You know what this is about?

Employee 1: My eternal quest for true love that is the right of all human beings?

H.R. Representative: Yes, we’ve received a number of harassment complaints about you regarding that “quest”.

Employee 1: Well, that’s a little harsh: I only approached each person once.

Manager: Yes, the only good parts about this debacle is that you backed off right away every time, and you kept your hands to yourself – otherwise, you’ve created a very disruptive working environment over the past few months, which is exactly what I said would wind up happening if you started this nonsense!

Employee 1: But Your Honor, how else am I going to find my life companion except in an environment of shared loathing such as work?

Manager: I’m not a judge!

Employee 1: Oh.  Gotta say, certainly acting like one right now.

Manager: Bottom line is: go find your soulmate at a bar or an online dating site or in the supermarket like everybody else; apologize to everyone in this office who you’ve bothered with this garbage; and keep everything you say and do here strictly work-related going forward; or else you’re through with this company, understand?!

H.R. Representative: And attend all the anti-harassment courses that are being assigned to you.

Manager: And attend all the anti-harassment courses that are being assigned to you!

Employee 1: Very well.  I will begin my apology tour at once.  (To H.R. Representative) Please send me the courses and I will complete them promptly.

H.R. Representative: Excellent.  (Starts typing on a tablet)

Employee 1: (To Manager) May I go now?

Manager: Please do.

Employee 1: (Stands, walks to the door, and opens it, but then turns back to Manager) You know, I don’t think we’ve ever clashed like this before; perhaps this is our friends-to-enemies-to-friends again-to-lovers one true romance that has been waiting for us this entire –

Manager: (Points to the door) OUT!

Employee 1: Never mind.  (Leaves)

H.R. Representative: (Pauses in typing) Does that count as violating the remediation terms already?

Manager: (Props elbows on the desk and slumps head into hands) Give one more chance – in a horrible ironic twist, that’s the only employee right now who can fix the copier when it jams.

Story 577: Going Back to a Ghost Office

             (At a work-from-home desk)

Coworker: (Speaking to a group through a video conference) So after reviewing the numbers, the upcoming fiscal year is projected to be a 10% improvement over the last one.

Manager 1: (Nodding head with others on the conference) Good-good, that’s what we want to hear.  Any questions?

Director: No, I think we’re all set.  (To Coworker) Great presentation; really sets my mind at ease for preparing next year’s budget.

Coworker: (Smiling in relief) Glad to hear it!

Manager 1: You can stop sharing your screen now.

Coworker: Oh right.  (Stops sharing the screen and closes the presentation)

Director: OK, if nobody has anything to add then I say this meeting is adjourned.

(As everyone else nods, Coworker sees a private message from Manager 1 pop up in a corner of the screen)

Manager 1: (Message) “Please stay on after everyone else signs off.”

Coworker: (Smile freezes in horror) <Gulp>

Director: (To Coworker) Everything all right?

Coworker: (Looks back up at the group; chokes) Yes! – ahem – Yes, just… (Everyone stares back expectantly) I.T. issue.

(The others groan in sympathy)

Director: I.T.’s the worst, isn’t it?

Database Manager: I’m I.T.

Director: Sorry – you’re the best.  Anyway, gotta go: got two overlapping meetings and I’m late for both, bye!  (Signs off, followed by everyone else except Manager 1 and Coworker)

Manager 1: So!  The reason why I asked you to stay on –

Coworker: (Wiping sweat off of forehead) Uh-huh, uh-huh –

Manager 1: – is because we’re already here and it’s easier than back-and-forth e-mails or – ugh – a phone call.

Coworker: (Drily swallowing) Uh-huh, uh-huh –

Manager 1: At any rate, I hate to bring this up but –

Coworker: The-presentation-was-awful-and-I’m-being-replaced-by-a-robot-and-the-company’s-finally-going-to-fire-me-with-no-severance-pay-or-holdover-health-insurance-I-just-know-it!

Manager 1: What?!  No, the presentation was great and you’re actually getting a raise this year that I’m technically not supposed to tell you about yet – where is all this coming from?!

Coworker: …Nowhere.

Manager 1: We’ll chalk it up to stress.  Listen, I’d rather couch this as asking for a favor, but since I’m your boss I really supposed to tell you to do this: I need to you to go back into the office tomorrow.

Coworker: (Blinks in confusion and whiplashing emotions) Go… back… into... the office…?

Manager 1: Yeah, I know, it’s been, what, five years since we last were there?

Coworker: (In awe) That’s half a decade….

Manager 1: Wow, phrasing it like that makes it sound even worse.

Coworker: Sorry.  I didn’t realize the company still had an office.

Manager 1: I know, right?  Last I heard, they cut it down to half a floor to save on rent; only a few people go in regularly.

Coworker: …Why?

Manager 1: Voluntold, I guess.  CEO stops by every so often, too; probably to see how the money’s being spent, and also to get out of the house.

Coworker: (Back in a panic) Soooo… is this it?

Manager 1: “It”?

Coworker: Am I being sent back… in?

Manager 1: Oh no, this is only for a day.  I won’t send you back in permanently as long as I can help it, and I know you’re actually working when you work from home which, let’s be honest, between you and me, can’t be said for everyone in our department.  (Seals lips and “Ssh”s self)

Coworker: (As a few coworkers spring to mind) Oh, I don’t know….

Manager 1: Yeah-yeah, we all know – the point is, there’s an audit tomorrow and the surveyors want it in-person so someone from each department has to be there, and up until today it was going to be me but I just found out from our Director a little while ago that I now have to get myself thee states over with no travel reimbursement to do a site inspection of one of the warehouses because something funny’s going on, although who knows what I’m supposed to do about it except tattle and try to shame them into compliance, good luck with that, so there that is, the timing’s awful, I’ll give you all my notes, but you’ll do fine, I guarantee it!

Coworker: (Having lost track several phrases ago) Huh?

Manager 1: I’ll send you an e-mail – you’ve got this; just think of me driving for seven hours to face a bunch of incompetent liars and what you’ll have to go through will seem like nothing.  Fare thee well!  (Meeting ends)

Coworker: (Sits back in a daze) Back to the office… I don’t think I remember how to get there….

THE NEXT DAY

(Coworker enters the nearly-empty lobby of a large skyscraper and walks to the security desk)

Coworker: Hello, I’m with -------- and was told to – (Swallows loudly) come in today.

Security Guard: (Checking the computer) Oh yeah, we’ve had a rush for that company this morning; you’re the second guest so far.

Coworker: …Wow.

Security Guard: Yeah, it’s been nuts – ID please.  (Coworker hands over a driver license and company badge) That’s good you still have this: I can reinstate your access, but it’s only valid for 30 days.

Coworker: That’s OK; one will do.

Security Guard: (Chuckles) I know, right?  Once they figure out how we can do remote security, I’ll be all over that, let me tell you.  (Hands back the items) All set: still on the 39^th floor, but half of it’s been closed off for a long time, so watch out for the ghosts, wooooo!  (Wiggles fingers spookily; Coworker stares in fear; Security Guard lowers hands) A lot of stuff up there’s falling apart from neglect, so just be careful.

Coworker: Oh–OK–thanks.  (Rushes to the elevator bank)

Security Guard: (Turns to see someone approaching from the main entrance) Another one?  This is the most excitement I’ve had in years.

(The elevator doors open to a bleak hallway with minimal lighting; Coworker trots quickly to the other end and uses the badge to open the office door.  The main section has a large open area where many desks clearly were removed, leaving their imprints on the carpet; a few remaining desks are bunched together in a far corner.  Coworker stares at the empty space that is poorly lit and full of dust as a tumbleweed rolls by)

Coworker: (Starts walking toward the desks) Helloooo?!  (In a small voice) And I was never seen again…. (Jumps as a phone on one of the desks rings, echoing throughout the open space, then looks around) Anyone gonna get that?  (The rings eventually stop) Guess not.

(A door creakily opens, showing a room filled with light and a silhouette in the center; Coworker spins around at the noise and faces the silhouette approaching)

Coworker: (Softly) Oh noooo….

(The silhouette resolves into a human figure)

Supervisor 1: Oh hey – here for the audit?

Coworker: …Yes.

Supervisor 1: Guess you didn’t get the e-mail either, huh?

Coworker: If it was sent this morning, I can’t check e-mail while I’m… commuting.  (Involuntarily shudders at the word)

Supervisor 1: (Sits at the desk that had the ringing phone) Heh, I’m sure that was a lot of fun – traffic as bad as it was when you last were here?  Probably worse, I bet.

Coworker: I’m trying to expunge the memory – are you telling me in an extremely roundabout way that the audit’s been cancelled?

Supervisor 1: Oh no, it’s still going on today.  They just figured that it didn’t need to be in-person after all, since, well – (Gestures at the cavern surrounding them) look at the place.

Coworker: (Flings away a passing cobweb) I have.

Supervisor 1: So, yeah: all the files they need to review are saved on the server anyway, and clearly nobody cares about the working conditions for the three of us saps still here, so like everything else, they’re doing it virtually.

Coworker: (Stares at Supervisor 1) So I could’ve stayed home this whole time?!

Supervisor 1: Yep.  Hope the company’s paying for your trip in.

Coworker: It’s not!

Supervisor 1: Yeah, me neither.  (Peers at a figure emerging from the office door) Oh hey – here for the audit?

Manager 2: Yeah.

Supervisor 1: Virtual now.

Manager 2: Blast.  (Turns to leave)

Supervisor 1: (Stands) Hey, wait – (Manager 2 turns back) you all can use the computers here for that, you know.

Manager 2: Oh.  Right; with the sudden upheaval, I forgot.

Supervisor 1: Yeah, I mean, this is an office, that’s what we do.  And since now a few of you are here…. (Walks to the other door and leans in) You recovered yet?

Manager 3: (Comes out of the room while holding an icepack to the head) Almost: the fumes and other drivers are lingering still.

Supervisor 1: (To the group) I’ll set you all up for a teleconference and you can do your thing at the desks here.  (Rubs hands together in glee) This is exciting: we haven’t had anybody besides us in years!  (Opens the door again and sticks head into the room) We have more company!

(Two others come out of the room)

Supervisor 2: (Claps hands and jumps up and down in joy) Colleagues!  Coworkers!  It’s been so long!  You want coffee?  I’ll get you coffee.  (Runs back into the room)

Supervisor 3: As you can see, it’s been ages since we’ve interacted with others besides ourselves here.

Coworker: (Sitting down at a desk prepped by Supervisor 1) It’s so odd – I figured whoever was left here was having the social interaction we’re supposed to need, but instead you seem so isolated while with all the meetings and phone calls I have at home, I don’t feel cut off from the world one bit.

Supervisor 1: (Stops prepping the other desks for Manager 2 and Manager 3 to sweep an arm taking in the barren office wasteland) As you can guess, the irony is not lost on any of us here.

Story 575: Sleeping Like a Cat

            (At a kiddie birthday party, a living room is filled with running, screaming children and the few adults designated to supervise their shenanigans when Guest 1 enters)

Guest 1: (Bursting into the room carrying a wrapped gift) HAPPY BIR – oh.  (Freezes upon seeing the chaos and starts to turn back; Guest 2 jumps up from an armchair, grabs Guest 1’s arm with one hand and the gift with the other, and steers the latter into the room)

Guest 2: Great, we need another pair of grown-up eyes here – you can say “Hi” to everyone on the way out – want a plate?

Guest 1: (Gently pushed to sitting on a folding chair, dazed) Uh, yeah, thanks.  (Guest 2 leaves to drop off the gift and fill up a plate of appetizers; Guest 1 looks around trying to figure out what game the kids are playing, then gives up; sees Guest 3 sitting on the nearby couch) Oh, hi there – (Guest 3 looks over) certainly no dozing off while we’re in here, am-I-right?

Guest 3: (Forlornly) If only I could.  (Nods toward a bean bag chair on the edge of the action) See that?

Guest 1: (Double-takes on seeing a cat curled up in the sinking middle of the chair, fast asleep) Aw, I didn’t even notice, how cute!  I always wonder how cats can sleep in the middle of all this racket, you know?

Guest 3: A mystery for the ages.  I only wish I had that power.

Guest 1: What, falling asleep in the center of a virtual hurricane?

Guest 3: Yes.  (A ball whizzes by the both of them) I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over 30 years.

Guest 1: Wow.  (Thinks for a few moments) Funny, I haven’t really, either.  Too many parties and studying late and working later, now I can’t even fall asleep until way after midnight and by then it’s already tomorrow.

(Both yawn simultaneously)

Guest 3: Ah yes: “To sleep: perchance to”… (Guest 1 waits expectantly) it’s gone.  And I was an English major, too.

Guest 1: Alas.  (The screams increase in volume) That cat has not moved a single muscle since I came in here – should we be worried?

Guest 3: One way to find out.  (Stands and expertly skirts around the hullabaloo to leave the room; the sound of tapping on the cat’s food dish soon follows, and the cat zooms off the chair into the other room) Sorry, no more food yet – just wanted to be sure.  (Guest 3 re-enters the room and sits on the couch again; the cat soon re-enters as well, gracefully weaves through the running bodies, hops back onto the bean bag chair, curls up again, and immediately falls back asleep) Probably could’ve just given a slight tap, but this was more definitive.

Guest 1: I never thought I’d be so jealous of a cat before.

Guest 3: I’m thinking we probably can do the same thing: you should only have to block out all stimuli, and you can sleep through anything.

Guest 1: Huh, is that all?  (Ball bounces off head)

Guest 3: Should be.  I’d try it right now, but my kid’s the guest of honor, so…. (A timer goes off in the kitchen) Aaaaaand that’s the main course, finally.  (Stands) EVERYONE IN THE DINING ROOM NOW!

(Everyone except for Guest 1 and the cat runs out of the room in varying levels of volume)

Guest 1: But I never got my appetizers....

THAT NIGHT

(At Guest 1’s apartment bedroom)

Guest 1: (Wearing pajamas) OK, this is it.  (Flops down on the bed) You can do this – just block out everything.  (Turns out the light and glances at the clock on the bedside table) Yes!  11:53 p.m.  You can do this, champ!  (Curls up into a ball, closes eyes, and starts breathing slowly and regularly until a SLAM! is heard overhead; eyes fly open) Oh no.

Neighbor: (Voice from the upstairs apartment, slightly muffled but voluminous) I told you, and I told you, but you never listen to me!

Guest 1: (Squishes a pillow over face) Oh-no-oh-no-oh-no-

Neighbor: (Accompanied by heavy footsteps and objects being slammed around) Yeah, well, I’d love to go off on sabbatical too, but I have RESPONSIBILITIES!... Don’t you yell at me while I’m yelling at you!

Guest 1: (Flings off the pillow and covers ears tightly) I am the center of the hurricane, I am the center of the –

Neighbor: You bet I’m gonna rehash everything, starting from 15 years ago when you forgot my last name!

Guest 1: Purring!  That must be the secret!  (Tries and fails to purr) Guess I don’t have the right equipment for that.  (Picks up a cell phone, finds a video with pink noise, turns the volume to maximum, plugs in headphones, and settles back with a sigh after one last glance at the phone’s clock) 11:59  That oughta do it.

Neighbor: (Extremely muffled through the pink noise) LA-LA-LA-LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Guest 1: (Curls up into a ball again, smiling) It’s almost soothing now.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In an office cubicle)

Guest 1: (Typing at a computer and nodding off, then snapping back awake) Whoa, afternoon slump.  (Quirks an eyebrow) Which is a normal part of our circadian rhythm, so who am I to fight it? (Leans back to peer out the cubicle opening, sees no one is approaching, then stretches arms out onto the desk while arching back a bit and crosses them one over the other to rest on them, closing eyes and smacking lips while settling)

Coworker: (Nearby) Auditors coming, everybody!  Finish up your reports and clean your workstations ASAP!

(Sounds of frantic typing, garbage dumping, phone calling, papers flying, coworkers crashing into each other, and emergency meetings being held in the middle of the office fill the entire floor)

Guest 1: (Eyes still closed; mutters softly) I am the center of the hurricane – I am the center of the hurricane – I am ZZZZZZ….

ONE HOUR LATER

Coworker: (Sticks head into the cubicle) What are you doing?!

Guest 1: (Jolts awake, looking around) Huh?  What?

Coworker: We’re all five seconds from getting a thousand citations for noncompliance in everything, and you’re napping?!

Guest 1: I was?...  I was!  It worked, yessss!!!!  (Jumps up and fist pumps for joy)

Coworker: Wow, not even attempting to deny it.

Guest 1: (Stops mid-jump and fist-pump) Ummmm…..

Coworker: I envy you.  (Leaves)

Guest 1: (Whispers to self) It worked, hee-hee!

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a church)

Preacher: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join….

Guest 1: (Sitting alone at the end of the back pew, mutters) That’s my cue.  (Looks around quickly to make sure everyone else is facing the front, then gently slides down to full-body stretch along the pew before half-twisting back and closing eyes) Center of the hurricane….

………………………………………………………………………………………

Preacher: Excuse me?

Guest 1: (Snaps open eyes to see Preacher standing next to the pew, then swiftly returns to a seated position) Oh – hi – great sermon – happy couple –

Preacher: Yes, perhaps you would like to join them?

Guest 1: (Looks around the now-empty church) Ah.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

(A wedding videographer weaves through the reception hall’s dance floor, filming as everyone dances the night away)

Spouse 1: (Sees the camera and waves) Hi!  Thank you everyone who could be here today!

Spouse 2: Yeah, you all rock!  We’re all having a great time, wooo!!!!

Dancing Guests: (Raising their arms in agreement) WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(The camera pans around the room and zooms in on Guest 1, stretched out face-down across three chairs at an empty table, one arm dangling off the edge and the other stretched back)

Videographer: (Heard mumbling) How on Earth, in the middle of all this racket…?  Oops – remember to edit out time stamp 19:33:07 to 19:33:21.

(The DJ suddenly changes the music from 2020s pop to 1980s hair metal)

Guest 1: (Suddenly rolls off the chairs and lands on hands and feet) Hurricane!  (Stands and looks around quickly, sees everyone in the area still dancing, and casually sits down) That was close – hope I didn’t make it into the video.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At another kiddie birthday party, a living room is filled with running, screaming children and the few adults designated to supervise their shenanigans when Guest 3 enters)

Guest 3: (Quietly sighs on seeing the chaos) Here we go.  (Sits on a chair to passively supervise, then notices Guest 1 curled up in a ball on the nearby couch, back to the world) Interesting.  (Lightly pokes Guest 1’s shoulder)

Guest 1: (Immediately rolls over, stretching fully) Oh, hi there.

Guest 3: Sorry to wake you; I just had to see for myself if it was true.

Guest 1: If what was true?

Guest 3: That at least one of us achieved the power of literal catnapping.

Guest 1: Oh yeah – thanks for the advice, worked like a charm.  (Several previously-hidden cats climb over Guest 1, turn semi-circles, and plop down to be spooned; Guest 1 obliges) Changed my life.

Guest 3: So I see.

Guest 1: Anyway, since this wound up turning out so well, I’m going to go back to…. (Points to the cats and the couch)

Guest 3: By all means.

Guest 1: Sweet.  (Gently rolls with the cats so they all are facing the couch cushions again; none move when a beach ball bounces off Guest 1’s back)

Guest 3: (Staring at the sleepers, brow furrowed in thought) Why do I feel like I’ve been missing out on something important this whole time?

Story 572: Procrastination Is My New Best Friend

             (In an office cubicle, Coworker 1 types nonstop)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glancing at the time in the computer monitor’s lower right-hand corner, again; through clenched lips) How did I lose THREE HOURS?!!!  (A <DING!> is heard as a new e-mail arrives; Coworker 1 opens the message, scans though it, then leans forward to read it again in disbelief) Another five reports are due?!  When on Earth am I supposed to get those done????!!!!   (Nearly swoons off the chair)

(A voice is heard from above)

Voice: Or you could just, you know, not do them yet.

Coworker 1: (Whips head around in confusion, then looks up to see a figure casually draped across the top of one of the cubicle walls) Huh?

Procrastination: The extra work.  Just don’t do it yet.  Your current work could probably wait, too.

Coworker: Who – are – where – how – ?

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter.  (Nimbly vaults off the cubicle wall to sit on the edge of Coworker 1’s desk) Read the e-mail again – is there a hard deadline?

Coworker 1: (Looks back at the message) Ummm…. (Back to Procrastination) It says “ASAP”.

Procrastination: HA!  That’s just the higher-ups trying to make their problem your problem.  Set it aside; it’ll keep.

Coworker 1: But – what if my boss comes looking for these ASAP?

Procrastination: Then say you’re working on it.  If everyone starts getting antsy, you can add that the projects need to go through a few more iterations before they’re ready for launch; that oughta do it.

Coworker 1: (Starts taking notes and nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh; any other suggestions?

Procrastination: Oh yeah: like I said earlier, whatever you’re working on now, leave it for later.

Coworker 1: But I’ve been working on it all day –

Procrastination: Exactly: it’s probably garbage now, so go back to it when you’re fresh.  Like in a month or so.

Coworker 1: Really?

Procrastination: Yep!  In the wise words of the Bard of Avon, “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow”… will always be there, so why stress out today?

Coworker 1: I… don’t think that’s how the line goes….

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter: go take an hour-long 15, you deserve it!  (Disappears)

Coworker 1: Wha – ?

Coworker 2: (Peeks head around the cubicle opening) Hey: you off the phone now?

Coworker 1: I wasn’t on – never mind; what’s up?

Coworker 2: Just got the word that our self-evaluations are due Friday instead of next month `cause of some system glitch – you do yours yet?

Coworker 1: No.

Coworker 2: Well, I finally finished mine and it took forever, so I’d say hurry up since Friday’ll be here any minute.  (Trots over to the next cubicle to spread the happy news)

Coworker 1: (Looks over at the desktop calendar showing that the current day is Wednesday) Friday, hm?  Plenty of time….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At Coworker 1’s townhouse)

Coworker 1: (Sitting on the couch while talking on the phone) So the drafts through all the windows and doors are getting worse and every floor has got this weird leak going and I have no idea what that smell coming from the laundry room is and don’t get me started on the cracks in the walls that are cutting into the ceilings and I don’t even know where to begin!

Procrastination: (Pops into view on the other end of the couch) Then don’t.

Coworker 1: (Staring at Procrastination as the voice on the other end of the phone starts speaking) I’ve… gotta go.

Voice on the Phone: Wait, you need to get out of there immediately – !

Coworker 1: (Ends the call and drops the phone onto a cushion) All right, I’ll bite: what do you mean, “Don’t”?

Procrastination: Exactly that.  These problems have been there way before you noticed, and they’ll be there for a lot longer before the tipping point of permanent damage, so why worry about them now?  (Holds out a fishing pole) Haven’t you been wanting to go fishing on the lake for AGES?

Coworker 1: (Eyes widening, grabs the pole and runs) FISHING!

Procrastination: (As the front door slams) Heh-heh-heh – sweet.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a banquet hall)

Coworker 1: (Rushing in, sees Coworker 2 standing at a high top table and zooms over) Hi, sorry I’m late, didn’t account for rush-hour traffic, and gave myself nine minutes for a half-hour drive – did I miss anything?

Coworker 2: (Takes a swig of limeade while thinking) Whelp, only Jerry’s retirement speech – and a bunch of the food – and the 50-50 that’s 100% going to Jerry anyway –

Coworker 1: Great, it sounds like I missed most of the whole thing already!  Is the buffet still open at least?

Coworker 2: (Points with the glass) I think the other end hasn’t been taken down yet, so you might get a few mashed potatoes or some spinach or whatever.

Coworker 1: Errrrggghhhhh!  (Starts to dash over there but is stopped by a brief hand on the shoulder from Coworker 2) What?!

Coworker 2: Hate to bring this up, but did you drop off your gift yet?  `Cause I think they’re taking down that table now, too.

Coworker 1: (Smacks forehead) The gift!  I completely put off getting it, then forgot!

Coworker 2: Oh well, maybe you can mail it when Jerry moves to Florida tomorrow, but I don’t think anyone has the address.

Coworker 1: (Slumps onto the table) This just keeps getting more and more embarrassing!

Coworker 2: Yeah, not to rub salt in the wound either, but I think your name came up when Jerry was talking with our boss about those ASAP reports we got assigned a week ago, something about they’re still waiting for yours and it’s holding everything up, I didn’t catch all of it.

Coworker 1: (Lets head drop onto the table and moans into the cloth)

Coworker 2: (Finishes off the limeade and places the glass onto the passing tray of an efficient server) Yeah, hope you did your self-eval before that, heh-heh.

Coworker 1: (Head suddenly lifts) The self-eval!  (Runs out the door)

Coworker 2: (Starts working on a newly arrived plate of tiramisu) Hm – what a mess.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is sitting on the living room floor frantically searching through files in boxes when Procrastination appears ensconced in an armchair)

Procrastination: So!  That looks tedious – how about leave it for another day and watch some more episodes of your new favorite show instead?  You know you want to.

Coworker 1: (Stands and points an accusatory finger at Procrastination) You!

Procrastination: (Points to self) I?

Coworker 1: Yes!  My life is falling apart because of you!

Procrastination: Nonsense: your life was falling apart long before I showed up.  Don’t you feel the stress just melting off now that you’re no longer bound by other people’s arbitrary timetables and deadlines?

Coworker 1: No!  Because of you, I almost got fired; Jerry’s never going to speak to me again, either here or in Florida; the house is still falling apart at a rapidly increasing rate; and because I didn’t do my taxes in time, I’m probably going to jail!

Procrastination: Oh, that’s ridiculous.

Coworker 1: Is it?!

Procrastination: Yes.  You still worry over nothing: they’d charge you penalties for years before jail is ever presented as an option.

Coworker 1: Well!  That’s just a huge relief, now isn’t it!  (Collapses onto the floor, holds head, and makes upset noises into hands)

Procrastination: (Sighs in annoyance and tsks) If you’re going to take that attitude, then this isn’t going to be fun anymore.

Coworker 1: (Sits up suddenly and glares in fury at Procrastination) NO!  KIDDING!

Procrastination: (Stands and brushes hands dismissively) You know, I was trying to do you a favor, but since I can tell that my efforts aren’t appreciated, I’ll go help someone else who actually deserves it. (Disappears)

Coworker 1: GOOD!  Oh, gone.  (Stares at the files scattered on the floor, then feels a drop of water land on head; while brushing it off, looks up to see a new, spreading leak in the ceiling) Maybe I have it all wrong: maybe if I procrastinate forever, this can all become Someone Else’s Problem.

Story 524: Puzzle Revenge

            (In an office conference room, Employee 1 concludes a slide presentation)

Employee 1: And so, if we follow this plan exactly as-is with absolutely no margin for error, by next quarter we will have transformed seamlessly from a trillion-dollar company into a quadrillion-dollar company!  And then, it’s only a matter of time until we hit the quintillion-dollar category, but why dream small?!  (Closes down the presenting screen and bows slightly) I thank you for your time and attention.

(Manager and five of the attendees stare in shock for several moments, then simultaneously stand and burst into applause with a few approving whistles thrown in for good measure)

Manager: (Still clapping, with tears streaming) That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life!

Employee 1: (Ducks head bashfully) Aw shucks; thank you.

Manager: (Approaches Employee 1 to pat the latter on the shoulder) I can see now that you’re really going places, kid – keep up the good work!

Employee 1: Thanks!  I sure will!  (Starts cleaning up notes as Manager and the five attendees leave the conference room)

Attendee 1: (Voice in the hall) We’re gonna be rich!

Attendee 2: (Voice in the hall) – er!

Attendee 1: (Cackles) Rich – er!

(The multiple cackling fades away as Employee 1 smiles to self, then suddenly looks up as a slow clap begins at the far end of the conference table)

Employee 2: (To the sound of each clap) Well – well – well.  (Stops the clap to sit up straighter) Look who’s made it to –

Employee 1: (Had started speaking at the same time) Oh, you’re still here?

Employee 2: What?

Employee 1: Sorry; go ahead.

Employee 2. Well, now my timing’s all thrown off and I forgot what I was going to lead with.

Employee 1: You started at “Well – well – well”; does that help?

Employee 2: Ah!  Yes, thank you.  (Leans back in the chair, steeples fingers, smirks smugly, and clears throat) Well – well – well.  Look who’s made it to the big time.

Employee 1: Oh, yes indeed – I thought the presentation went well, don’t you?

Employee 2: (Drops the hands and the smirk) That entire presentation was MINE!

Employee 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Oh right, it was.  Great job; it really conveyed the information clearly.

Employee 2: Why, thank you – thief!

Employee 1: Huh?

Employee 2: I created that presentation, not you!

Employee 1: We established that, yes?

Employee 2: So you copied the files from the shared drive and just now passed off all my hard work as your own!

Employee 1: Yes?

Employee 2: …So that’s stealing and wrong!

Employee 1: (Thinks for a few more seconds, shrugs, finishes collecting the papers and the laptop, and begins to leave) If you say so.

Employee 2: (Leaps out of the chair to dart into Employee 1’s path) Anyone would say so!  I know I can’t prove it to your new fan club out there, but don’t worry – (Voice drops to a deadly whisper) I will have my revenge.

Employee 1: Sounds great; see you at the team-building event this afternoon, yeah?  (Walks around Employee 2 and exits the conference room, whistling)

Employee 2: (Turns to stare with narrowed eyes at the retreating figure) What a diabolical ditz….

THE NEXT MORNING

(Employee 1 is at home eating breakfast and hears a thud at the front door; opening it, a courier is seen running down the driveway to the parked truck and then driving off)

Employee1: (Shakes head) Just like “The Elves and the Shoemaker”.  (Looks down and sees a package that had been tossed against the front door, then brings it inside, opens it at the kitchen table, takes out a card that reads “To My Mortal Frenemy – May This Bring Many Hours of Non-Enjoyment, BWAHAHAHAHA (imagine a supervillain’s evil laughter with that last bit)!  Signed, You-Better-Know-Who”, and lays down the card to think) I wonder who that could be?  (Shrugs, then takes out another box from inside the package and sees that it is a small puzzle with 13 pieces; reads the photo-less cover) “Millions of possibilities – can you wrestle out the right one?”  Well, yes, this clearly is meant to be completed by an infant.  (Opens the box and quickly flips over the pieces) Aw, it’s a bunch of frolicking butterflies – easy-peasy.  (Within five minutes, assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –

ONE WEEK LATER

(Employee 2 cheerfully raps on Employee 1’s front door; after several minutes of repeated rapping, Employee 1 opens the door appearing extremely haggard and wearing the same outfit as in the previous week)

Employee 1: (Voice creaky from disuse) Hello?

Employee 2: (Barely containing glee) Since you clearly haven’t checked your messages, I volunteered to come and tell you that you’ve been fired for violating the company’s job abandonment policy – however, upper management loved “your” presentation so much they’re willing to take you back if you agree to make that project your sole priority in life for the next five years, minimum.  I also graciously volunteered to assist you with all that.  (Employee 1 stares blankly at Employee 2, who chokes down a laugh) On a related note, I assume you got my… present?

Employee 1: (Finally stirs) Oh, that was from you?  Yes, I’ve had a devil of a time trying to get these blasted butterflies to fit together – every time I think I’ve got the thing solved, a head suddenly doesn’t match a thorax, or a wing’s slightly off.

Employee 2: Dear me, that does sound like a pickle.

Employee 1: Would you like to check it out?  I don’t mine someone else taking all the glory at this point.

Employee 2: (Mutters) That’d be a first.

Employee 1: What was that?

Employee 2: I would be delighted.  (They both enter the kitchen and sit at opposite sides of the table; Employee 1 takes apart the puzzle and within five minutes Employee 2 assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –

TWELVE HOURS LATER

Employee 2: Oh, wait –

Employee 1: (Awakens from a doze) You know, I just now understand the message you sent, that this – (Gestures at the puzzle) is meant to drive me bonkers as a sort of revenge for stealing your work.  (Nods thoughtfully) Most effective, I must say.

Employee 2: (Blearily looks up at Employee 1) Yes: it seems in my quest for vengeance, I have become a monster.  Didn’t see that coming.

Employee 1: Hm.... Have another go?

Employee 2: (Takes apart the puzzle) Of course.

Story 518: Post-Thanksgiving Lethargy

 EARLY THANKSGIVING WEEK

             Friend 2: (Answers a cell phone while working at an office desk) Hi, what’s up?

Friend 1: (On a cell phone in a department store break room) So, you’ll never guess what happened to me today!

Friend 2: You’re right, I won’t, so just tell me.

Friend 1: Well, it turns out for once in this… lovely store, too many people got scheduled to work on Black Friday so my manager asked me first if I wanted the day off since I’ve worked it for decades, so I jumped on that and now I don’t have to work that day!

Friend 2: Wow, that’s great, good for you.

Friend 1: I know, right?  I can scarcely believe it – the entire day after Thanksgiving, all to myself!  I don’t even know where to begin!

Friend 2: If you like, you can join my group this year as we go shopping for all the sales.

Friend 1: Heck no: you all get up at 3:00 in the morning after a holiday, and I’d also rather not spend my free time in the same type of place I already spend 40+ hours a week in, only now it would be 100 times worse with the holiday rush.  I’d actually rather still be working that day; at least then I’d be paid for the aggravation.

Friend 2: Figured I’d offer.  So, any idea what you’d like to do that day instead?

Friend 1: I don’t know; relax, for starters.

Friend 2: Definitely.

Friend 1: Maybe clean up the place a bit.

Friend 2: You?!

Friend 1: Cute.  Maybe go for a walk if it’s not too cold out.  Maybe go to the mountains, maybe the beach.  The possibilities are endless!

Friend 2: Well, whatever you wind up doing that day, have fun, and have a Happy Thanksgiving – I have to go back to work now.

Friend 1: Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!  (Ends the call and clutches the cell phone in glee) This is gonna be great!

 DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING

 9:00 A.M.

(Friend 1 wakes up smiling, turns to an alarm clock that is not alarmed, and rolls back with eyes closed)

Friend 1: Just a few more minutes… not like I’m going anywhere….

10:00 A.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats breakfast in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-breakfast nap to aid the digestion….

12:00 NOON

Friend 1: …Maybe another five minutes….

2:00 P.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats lunch in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-lunch nap to aid the digestion... then I’ll start the day for sure….

5:00 P.M.

(Friend 1’s phone rings)

Friend 1: (Gropes around the bedside table in the darkening room to answer the phone) Mmmm-what’s up?

Friend 2: (On the phone while standing on a never-ending line in a department store) Did you get out of bed at all today?

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Of course I did.

Friend 2: Besides eating.

Friend 1: …Definite “out”.

Friend 2: Unbelievable – I swam upstream through several seas of humanity to finish my gift shopping for the next two years, and you’re lounging about doing absolutely nothing but sleep!

Friend 1: I’ll have you know, sleep is very important to one’s health and should not be neglected, and I needed extra of it to recover from yesterday.

Friend 2: Recover from what?!  Eating too much?!

Friend 1: And drying several dishes, along with one or two utensils, I might add.

Friend 2: Lazy!  You are a lazy, lazy lump!

Friend 1: I resent that!  This is the first Black Friday I’ve had off in over 20 years, and I’ll spend it however I darn well please!  Even if it’s spent in minimal-to-nil activity.

Friend 2: You’re right, I’m sorry – I shouldn’t be so judgmental, you work hard and you deserve to enjoy your day off however you like.

Friend 1: Thank you, I appreciate that.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Well, the group’s almost finished with our last store and then heading out to dinner, so maybe we’ll do lunch or something next weekend, OK?

Friend 1: (Leans forward) Ooh, since you’re still out shopping could you pick me up some wrapping paper and bows and gift bags and tags and ribbons and tape?... Hello?... (Holds out the phone and sees on the display that the call had ended; sets the phone onto the table and lies back on the bed) Maybe another five minutes….

Story 516: Interdepartmental Brainstorming

             (In an office, Coworker 1 sits at a desk and taps the same computer key over and over with no change in the result)

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2 sitting at the next desk over) Hey, boss?

Coworker 2: (Without looking away from editing a novel) Sssshhhh... trying to keep that tidbit of knowledge on a minimum distribution basis.

Coworker 1: Really?  I figured everyone else knew you were CEO but me.

Coworker 2: No, and I’d like to keep it that way for as long as possible – what’s up?

Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the computer screen and then back at Coworker 2) Would you be able to help me with a spreadsheet?

Coworker 2: No.

Coworker 1: …“No” because you can’t or “No” because you won’t?

Coworker 2: Both.  (Turns to Coworker 1) No matter where you are on the corporate ladder, you can only climb up it by delegating as much of your work as possible.

Coworker 1: This was delegated to me.

Coworker 2: Oh.  Stinks to be you, then.  (Returns to copy editing)

(Coworker 1’s desk phone rings)

Coworker 1: (Picks up the receiver and cradles it on one shoulder in order to continue typing) Accounts Payable.

Coworker 3: (Voice) Thank goodness you’re at your desk – we have an escalating crisis here, and I’m not handling it very well!

Coworker 1: Huh?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, we’ve got a situation going on and we’ve exhausted all our mental resources so we figured why not ask you next.

Coworker 1: Thanks, I think – am I on speaker phone?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, there are about 10 of us here representing 17 departments.

Coworkers 5-12: (Voices) Hi.

Coworker 9: (Voice) Make that 20 departments – I just got assigned two more this morning, ahahahahaha – !  (Dissolves into sobs)

Coworker 1: Whoa, wait a minute, this sounds like a bit much, I think I should get my manager – (Sees Coworker 2 shaking head and mouthing “No”) hold on – (Covers up the phone’s mouthpiece and whispers to Coworker 2) Why not?  You said I should delegate.

Coworker 2: Yeah, delegate down or lateral – never delegate up if you can help it.  Isn’t there someone else in your department you can dump this on – I mean, assign this to?

Coworker 1: I think they’re all on lunch right now and I’m the only chump working.  (Uncovers the phone) So, how can I help you?

Coworker 3: (Voice) Well, check requests were submitted and approved for purchase orders, and the checks were sent out but now nobody knows where they went!

Coworker 1: Did you check – heh-heh, sorry – with the courier?

Coworker 4: (Voice) First thing we did: documented as delivered, but no checks in sight.

Coworker 1: Maybe they got mailed for deposit right after?

Coworker 5: (Voice) Already looked – no record!

Coworker 1: Still: might’ve gone out and someone forgot to record it.

Coworker 5: (Voice) I’m the one who tracks those!

Coworker 1: OK… and….

Coworker 5: (Voice) I didn’t forget!  There are no checks to be had here!

Coworker 1: (Starts rubbing forehead to ward off a headache) OK, then maybe they were delivered to the wrong department?

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) We asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: No one asked this department.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) …Did you get any checks lately you shouldn’t’ve?

Coworker 1: (Sighs) No.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) Now we asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: OK, OK, if, by chance, they went somewhere else… outside the building… dropped onto the sidewalk… do you want me to look up whether they were deposited by someone else?

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) YES!

Coworker 1: (Holds phone away from ear for a few seconds) All right, send me the invoice numbers and I’ll contact the bank.

Coworker 2: (Voice echoes through Coworker 1’s phone earpiece and Coworker 2’s phone’s speaker) Can you CC me on the e-mails, please?

Coworker 1: (Looks distractedly at Coworker 2) Yeah…. (Covers up the mouthpiece and whispers again) How’d you get on this call, too?!

Coworker 2: (Hits “Mute” on the phone) They conferenced me in – guess it’s important.

Coworker 1: Great, that’s just perfect – (Uncovers the mouthpiece) Once I get the invoice numbers, I’ll get right on it and let you know when I hear back.

Coworker 6: (Voice zooms in) Could you expedite that so we know what happened ASAP?  It’s a lot of money.

Coworker 1: Sure, just…. (Keeps refreshing the e-mail inbox) I need the e-mail first before I can do anything.

Coworker 3: (Voice with sounds of rapid keystrokes underneath) I’m typing as fast as I can!  It’s about 50 invoices!

Coworker 1: WHAT?!  And the checks all just disappeared?!

Coworker 3: (Voice) Yes!  You understand now why we’re all freaking out?!

Coworker 1: (Holding head with one hand and the receiver with the other) Wait, so that many checks would’ve been delivered in a bigger package, then – did you get any boxes dropped off there recently?

Coworker 3: (Typing stops; sounds of rustling papers and heavier objects being dropped; voice) No – just the stationery delivery – ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Coworkers 4-12: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Coworker 1: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” what?!

Coworker 7: (Voice) We never actually read the label on this thing.

Coworker 11: (Voice in the distance) Checks always arrive in large envelopes, you know?

Coworker 4: (Voice) We ordered stationery recently and this looks just like that box those arrive in, so uncanny –

Coworker 1: (Head is now lying on the desk; muffled into the phone) Does the label say “Accounts Payable” on it?

Coworker 3: (Sounds of ripping packaging; voice) Yes!  Yes!  The checks are all in here, yay!

Coworkers 4-12: (Voices) YAY!

Coworker 1: (Still on the desk) Yay.

Coworker 2: (Turns off “Mute”; voice echoes again) Great job, team, glad that’s all resolved now, keep up the good work!  I have a meeting in five so I’m signing off now, bye!

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYE!

Coworker 1: (Sits up as Coworker 2 lifts the receiver to end the call on that phone; to the others) So, do you need anything else from me?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Nope, we’re all good now, thanks!

Coworker 1: OK.  Bye.

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

(Coworker 1 gently hangs up the phone and stares into the middle distance)

Coworker 2: (Smirks at Coworker 1) I’m proud of you.

Coworker 1: I feel like I just ran a mini-marathon without physically moving from this spot.

Coworker 2: And that, is why, you delegate.