Story 572: Procrastination Is My New Best Friend

             (In an office cubicle, Coworker 1 types nonstop)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glancing at the time in the computer monitor’s lower right-hand corner, again; through clenched lips) How did I lose THREE HOURS?!!!  (A <DING!> is heard as a new e-mail arrives; Coworker 1 opens the message, scans though it, then leans forward to read it again in disbelief) Another five reports are due?!  When on Earth am I supposed to get those done????!!!!   (Nearly swoons off the chair)

(A voice is heard from above)

Voice: Or you could just, you know, not do them yet.

Coworker 1: (Whips head around in confusion, then looks up to see a figure casually draped across the top of one of the cubicle walls) Huh?

Procrastination: The extra work.  Just don’t do it yet.  Your current work could probably wait, too.

Coworker: Who – are – where – how – ?

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter.  (Nimbly vaults off the cubicle wall to sit on the edge of Coworker 1’s desk) Read the e-mail again – is there a hard deadline?

Coworker 1: (Looks back at the message) Ummm…. (Back to Procrastination) It says “ASAP”.

Procrastination: HA!  That’s just the higher-ups trying to make their problem your problem.  Set it aside; it’ll keep.

Coworker 1: But – what if my boss comes looking for these ASAP?

Procrastination: Then say you’re working on it.  If everyone starts getting antsy, you can add that the projects need to go through a few more iterations before they’re ready for launch; that oughta do it.

Coworker 1: (Starts taking notes and nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh; any other suggestions?

Procrastination: Oh yeah: like I said earlier, whatever you’re working on now, leave it for later.

Coworker 1: But I’ve been working on it all day –

Procrastination: Exactly: it’s probably garbage now, so go back to it when you’re fresh.  Like in a month or so.

Coworker 1: Really?

Procrastination: Yep!  In the wise words of the Bard of Avon, “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow”… will always be there, so why stress out today?

Coworker 1: I… don’t think that’s how the line goes….

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter: go take an hour-long 15, you deserve it!  (Disappears)

Coworker 1: Wha – ?

Coworker 2: (Peeks head around the cubicle opening) Hey: you off the phone now?

Coworker 1: I wasn’t on – never mind; what’s up?

Coworker 2: Just got the word that our self-evaluations are due Friday instead of next month `cause of some system glitch – you do yours yet?

Coworker 1: No.

Coworker 2: Well, I finally finished mine and it took forever, so I’d say hurry up since Friday’ll be here any minute.  (Trots over to the next cubicle to spread the happy news)

Coworker 1: (Looks over at the desktop calendar showing that the current day is Wednesday) Friday, hm?  Plenty of time….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At Coworker 1’s townhouse)

Coworker 1: (Sitting on the couch while talking on the phone) So the drafts through all the windows and doors are getting worse and every floor has got this weird leak going and I have no idea what that smell coming from the laundry room is and don’t get me started on the cracks in the walls that are cutting into the ceilings and I don’t even know where to begin!

Procrastination: (Pops into view on the other end of the couch) Then don’t.

Coworker 1: (Staring at Procrastination as the voice on the other end of the phone starts speaking) I’ve… gotta go.

Voice on the Phone: Wait, you need to get out of there immediately – !

Coworker 1: (Ends the call and drops the phone onto a cushion) All right, I’ll bite: what do you mean, “Don’t”?

Procrastination: Exactly that.  These problems have been there way before you noticed, and they’ll be there for a lot longer before the tipping point of permanent damage, so why worry about them now?  (Holds out a fishing pole) Haven’t you been wanting to go fishing on the lake for AGES?

Coworker 1: (Eyes widening, grabs the pole and runs) FISHING!

Procrastination: (As the front door slams) Heh-heh-heh – sweet.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a banquet hall)

Coworker 1: (Rushing in, sees Coworker 2 standing at a high top table and zooms over) Hi, sorry I’m late, didn’t account for rush-hour traffic, and gave myself nine minutes for a half-hour drive – did I miss anything?

Coworker 2: (Takes a swig of limeade while thinking) Whelp, only Jerry’s retirement speech – and a bunch of the food – and the 50-50 that’s 100% going to Jerry anyway –

Coworker 1: Great, it sounds like I missed most of the whole thing already!  Is the buffet still open at least?

Coworker 2: (Points with the glass) I think the other end hasn’t been taken down yet, so you might get a few mashed potatoes or some spinach or whatever.

Coworker 1: Errrrggghhhhh!  (Starts to dash over there but is stopped by a brief hand on the shoulder from Coworker 2) What?!

Coworker 2: Hate to bring this up, but did you drop off your gift yet?  `Cause I think they’re taking down that table now, too.

Coworker 1: (Smacks forehead) The gift!  I completely put off getting it, then forgot!

Coworker 2: Oh well, maybe you can mail it when Jerry moves to Florida tomorrow, but I don’t think anyone has the address.

Coworker 1: (Slumps onto the table) This just keeps getting more and more embarrassing!

Coworker 2: Yeah, not to rub salt in the wound either, but I think your name came up when Jerry was talking with our boss about those ASAP reports we got assigned a week ago, something about they’re still waiting for yours and it’s holding everything up, I didn’t catch all of it.

Coworker 1: (Lets head drop onto the table and moans into the cloth)

Coworker 2: (Finishes off the limeade and places the glass onto the passing tray of an efficient server) Yeah, hope you did your self-eval before that, heh-heh.

Coworker 1: (Head suddenly lifts) The self-eval!  (Runs out the door)

Coworker 2: (Starts working on a newly arrived plate of tiramisu) Hm – what a mess.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is sitting on the living room floor frantically searching through files in boxes when Procrastination appears ensconced in an armchair)

Procrastination: So!  That looks tedious – how about leave it for another day and watch some more episodes of your new favorite show instead?  You know you want to.

Coworker 1: (Stands and points an accusatory finger at Procrastination) You!

Procrastination: (Points to self) I?

Coworker 1: Yes!  My life is falling apart because of you!

Procrastination: Nonsense: your life was falling apart long before I showed up.  Don’t you feel the stress just melting off now that you’re no longer bound by other people’s arbitrary timetables and deadlines?

Coworker 1: No!  Because of you, I almost got fired; Jerry’s never going to speak to me again, either here or in Florida; the house is still falling apart at a rapidly increasing rate; and because I didn’t do my taxes in time, I’m probably going to jail!

Procrastination: Oh, that’s ridiculous.

Coworker 1: Is it?!

Procrastination: Yes.  You still worry over nothing: they’d charge you penalties for years before jail is ever presented as an option.

Coworker 1: Well!  That’s just a huge relief, now isn’t it!  (Collapses onto the floor, holds head, and makes upset noises into hands)

Procrastination: (Sighs in annoyance and tsks) If you’re going to take that attitude, then this isn’t going to be fun anymore.

Coworker 1: (Sits up suddenly and glares in fury at Procrastination) NO!  KIDDING!

Procrastination: (Stands and brushes hands dismissively) You know, I was trying to do you a favor, but since I can tell that my efforts aren’t appreciated, I’ll go help someone else who actually deserves it. (Disappears)

Coworker 1: GOOD!  Oh, gone.  (Stares at the files scattered on the floor, then feels a drop of water land on head; while brushing it off, looks up to see a new, spreading leak in the ceiling) Maybe I have it all wrong: maybe if I procrastinate forever, this can all become Someone Else’s Problem.

Story 524: Puzzle Revenge

            (In an office conference room, Employee 1 concludes a slide presentation)

Employee 1: And so, if we follow this plan exactly as-is with absolutely no margin for error, by next quarter we will have transformed seamlessly from a trillion-dollar company into a quadrillion-dollar company!  And then, it’s only a matter of time until we hit the quintillion-dollar category, but why dream small?!  (Closes down the presenting screen and bows slightly) I thank you for your time and attention.

(Manager and five of the attendees stare in shock for several moments, then simultaneously stand and burst into applause with a few approving whistles thrown in for good measure)

Manager: (Still clapping, with tears streaming) That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life!

Employee 1: (Ducks head bashfully) Aw shucks; thank you.

Manager: (Approaches Employee 1 to pat the latter on the shoulder) I can see now that you’re really going places, kid – keep up the good work!

Employee 1: Thanks!  I sure will!  (Starts cleaning up notes as Manager and the five attendees leave the conference room)

Attendee 1: (Voice in the hall) We’re gonna be rich!

Attendee 2: (Voice in the hall) – er!

Attendee 1: (Cackles) Rich – er!

(The multiple cackling fades away as Employee 1 smiles to self, then suddenly looks up as a slow clap begins at the far end of the conference table)

Employee 2: (To the sound of each clap) Well – well – well.  (Stops the clap to sit up straighter) Look who’s made it to –

Employee 1: (Had started speaking at the same time) Oh, you’re still here?

Employee 2: What?

Employee 1: Sorry; go ahead.

Employee 2. Well, now my timing’s all thrown off and I forgot what I was going to lead with.

Employee 1: You started at “Well – well – well”; does that help?

Employee 2: Ah!  Yes, thank you.  (Leans back in the chair, steeples fingers, smirks smugly, and clears throat) Well – well – well.  Look who’s made it to the big time.

Employee 1: Oh, yes indeed – I thought the presentation went well, don’t you?

Employee 2: (Drops the hands and the smirk) That entire presentation was MINE!

Employee 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Oh right, it was.  Great job; it really conveyed the information clearly.

Employee 2: Why, thank you – thief!

Employee 1: Huh?

Employee 2: I created that presentation, not you!

Employee 1: We established that, yes?

Employee 2: So you copied the files from the shared drive and just now passed off all my hard work as your own!

Employee 1: Yes?

Employee 2: …So that’s stealing and wrong!

Employee 1: (Thinks for a few more seconds, shrugs, finishes collecting the papers and the laptop, and begins to leave) If you say so.

Employee 2: (Leaps out of the chair to dart into Employee 1’s path) Anyone would say so!  I know I can’t prove it to your new fan club out there, but don’t worry – (Voice drops to a deadly whisper) I will have my revenge.

Employee 1: Sounds great; see you at the team-building event this afternoon, yeah?  (Walks around Employee 2 and exits the conference room, whistling)

Employee 2: (Turns to stare with narrowed eyes at the retreating figure) What a diabolical ditz….

THE NEXT MORNING

(Employee 1 is at home eating breakfast and hears a thud at the front door; opening it, a courier is seen running down the driveway to the parked truck and then driving off)

Employee1: (Shakes head) Just like “The Elves and the Shoemaker”.  (Looks down and sees a package that had been tossed against the front door, then brings it inside, opens it at the kitchen table, takes out a card that reads “To My Mortal Frenemy – May This Bring Many Hours of Non-Enjoyment, BWAHAHAHAHA (imagine a supervillain’s evil laughter with that last bit)!  Signed, You-Better-Know-Who”, and lays down the card to think) I wonder who that could be?  (Shrugs, then takes out another box from inside the package and sees that it is a small puzzle with 13 pieces; reads the photo-less cover) “Millions of possibilities – can you wrestle out the right one?”  Well, yes, this clearly is meant to be completed by an infant.  (Opens the box and quickly flips over the pieces) Aw, it’s a bunch of frolicking butterflies – easy-peasy.  (Within five minutes, assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –

ONE WEEK LATER

(Employee 2 cheerfully raps on Employee 1’s front door; after several minutes of repeated rapping, Employee 1 opens the door appearing extremely haggard and wearing the same outfit as in the previous week)

Employee 1: (Voice creaky from disuse) Hello?

Employee 2: (Barely containing glee) Since you clearly haven’t checked your messages, I volunteered to come and tell you that you’ve been fired for violating the company’s job abandonment policy – however, upper management loved “your” presentation so much they’re willing to take you back if you agree to make that project your sole priority in life for the next five years, minimum.  I also graciously volunteered to assist you with all that.  (Employee 1 stares blankly at Employee 2, who chokes down a laugh) On a related note, I assume you got my… present?

Employee 1: (Finally stirs) Oh, that was from you?  Yes, I’ve had a devil of a time trying to get these blasted butterflies to fit together – every time I think I’ve got the thing solved, a head suddenly doesn’t match a thorax, or a wing’s slightly off.

Employee 2: Dear me, that does sound like a pickle.

Employee 1: Would you like to check it out?  I don’t mine someone else taking all the glory at this point.

Employee 2: (Mutters) That’d be a first.

Employee 1: What was that?

Employee 2: I would be delighted.  (They both enter the kitchen and sit at opposite sides of the table; Employee 1 takes apart the puzzle and within five minutes Employee 2 assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –

TWELVE HOURS LATER

Employee 2: Oh, wait –

Employee 1: (Awakens from a doze) You know, I just now understand the message you sent, that this – (Gestures at the puzzle) is meant to drive me bonkers as a sort of revenge for stealing your work.  (Nods thoughtfully) Most effective, I must say.

Employee 2: (Blearily looks up at Employee 1) Yes: it seems in my quest for vengeance, I have become a monster.  Didn’t see that coming.

Employee 1: Hm.... Have another go?

Employee 2: (Takes apart the puzzle) Of course.

Story 518: Post-Thanksgiving Lethargy

 EARLY THANKSGIVING WEEK

             Friend 2: (Answers a cell phone while working at an office desk) Hi, what’s up?

Friend 1: (On a cell phone in a department store break room) So, you’ll never guess what happened to me today!

Friend 2: You’re right, I won’t, so just tell me.

Friend 1: Well, it turns out for once in this… lovely store, too many people got scheduled to work on Black Friday so my manager asked me first if I wanted the day off since I’ve worked it for decades, so I jumped on that and now I don’t have to work that day!

Friend 2: Wow, that’s great, good for you.

Friend 1: I know, right?  I can scarcely believe it – the entire day after Thanksgiving, all to myself!  I don’t even know where to begin!

Friend 2: If you like, you can join my group this year as we go shopping for all the sales.

Friend 1: Heck no: you all get up at 3:00 in the morning after a holiday, and I’d also rather not spend my free time in the same type of place I already spend 40+ hours a week in, only now it would be 100 times worse with the holiday rush.  I’d actually rather still be working that day; at least then I’d be paid for the aggravation.

Friend 2: Figured I’d offer.  So, any idea what you’d like to do that day instead?

Friend 1: I don’t know; relax, for starters.

Friend 2: Definitely.

Friend 1: Maybe clean up the place a bit.

Friend 2: You?!

Friend 1: Cute.  Maybe go for a walk if it’s not too cold out.  Maybe go to the mountains, maybe the beach.  The possibilities are endless!

Friend 2: Well, whatever you wind up doing that day, have fun, and have a Happy Thanksgiving – I have to go back to work now.

Friend 1: Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!  (Ends the call and clutches the cell phone in glee) This is gonna be great!

 DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING

 9:00 A.M.

(Friend 1 wakes up smiling, turns to an alarm clock that is not alarmed, and rolls back with eyes closed)

Friend 1: Just a few more minutes… not like I’m going anywhere….

10:00 A.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats breakfast in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-breakfast nap to aid the digestion….

12:00 NOON

Friend 1: …Maybe another five minutes….

2:00 P.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats lunch in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-lunch nap to aid the digestion... then I’ll start the day for sure….

5:00 P.M.

(Friend 1’s phone rings)

Friend 1: (Gropes around the bedside table in the darkening room to answer the phone) Mmmm-what’s up?

Friend 2: (On the phone while standing on a never-ending line in a department store) Did you get out of bed at all today?

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Of course I did.

Friend 2: Besides eating.

Friend 1: …Definite “out”.

Friend 2: Unbelievable – I swam upstream through several seas of humanity to finish my gift shopping for the next two years, and you’re lounging about doing absolutely nothing but sleep!

Friend 1: I’ll have you know, sleep is very important to one’s health and should not be neglected, and I needed extra of it to recover from yesterday.

Friend 2: Recover from what?!  Eating too much?!

Friend 1: And drying several dishes, along with one or two utensils, I might add.

Friend 2: Lazy!  You are a lazy, lazy lump!

Friend 1: I resent that!  This is the first Black Friday I’ve had off in over 20 years, and I’ll spend it however I darn well please!  Even if it’s spent in minimal-to-nil activity.

Friend 2: You’re right, I’m sorry – I shouldn’t be so judgmental, you work hard and you deserve to enjoy your day off however you like.

Friend 1: Thank you, I appreciate that.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Well, the group’s almost finished with our last store and then heading out to dinner, so maybe we’ll do lunch or something next weekend, OK?

Friend 1: (Leans forward) Ooh, since you’re still out shopping could you pick me up some wrapping paper and bows and gift bags and tags and ribbons and tape?... Hello?... (Holds out the phone and sees on the display that the call had ended; sets the phone onto the table and lies back on the bed) Maybe another five minutes….

Story 516: Interdepartmental Brainstorming

             (In an office, Coworker 1 sits at a desk and taps the same computer key over and over with no change in the result)

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2 sitting at the next desk over) Hey, boss?

Coworker 2: (Without looking away from editing a novel) Sssshhhh... trying to keep that tidbit of knowledge on a minimum distribution basis.

Coworker 1: Really?  I figured everyone else knew you were CEO but me.

Coworker 2: No, and I’d like to keep it that way for as long as possible – what’s up?

Coworker 1: (Briefly glances at the computer screen and then back at Coworker 2) Would you be able to help me with a spreadsheet?

Coworker 2: No.

Coworker 1: …“No” because you can’t or “No” because you won’t?

Coworker 2: Both.  (Turns to Coworker 1) No matter where you are on the corporate ladder, you can only climb up it by delegating as much of your work as possible.

Coworker 1: This was delegated to me.

Coworker 2: Oh.  Stinks to be you, then.  (Returns to copy editing)

(Coworker 1’s desk phone rings)

Coworker 1: (Picks up the receiver and cradles it on one shoulder in order to continue typing) Accounts Payable.

Coworker 3: (Voice) Thank goodness you’re at your desk – we have an escalating crisis here, and I’m not handling it very well!

Coworker 1: Huh?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, we’ve got a situation going on and we’ve exhausted all our mental resources so we figured why not ask you next.

Coworker 1: Thanks, I think – am I on speaker phone?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Yeah, there are about 10 of us here representing 17 departments.

Coworkers 5-12: (Voices) Hi.

Coworker 9: (Voice) Make that 20 departments – I just got assigned two more this morning, ahahahahaha – !  (Dissolves into sobs)

Coworker 1: Whoa, wait a minute, this sounds like a bit much, I think I should get my manager – (Sees Coworker 2 shaking head and mouthing “No”) hold on – (Covers up the phone’s mouthpiece and whispers to Coworker 2) Why not?  You said I should delegate.

Coworker 2: Yeah, delegate down or lateral – never delegate up if you can help it.  Isn’t there someone else in your department you can dump this on – I mean, assign this to?

Coworker 1: I think they’re all on lunch right now and I’m the only chump working.  (Uncovers the phone) So, how can I help you?

Coworker 3: (Voice) Well, check requests were submitted and approved for purchase orders, and the checks were sent out but now nobody knows where they went!

Coworker 1: Did you check – heh-heh, sorry – with the courier?

Coworker 4: (Voice) First thing we did: documented as delivered, but no checks in sight.

Coworker 1: Maybe they got mailed for deposit right after?

Coworker 5: (Voice) Already looked – no record!

Coworker 1: Still: might’ve gone out and someone forgot to record it.

Coworker 5: (Voice) I’m the one who tracks those!

Coworker 1: OK… and….

Coworker 5: (Voice) I didn’t forget!  There are no checks to be had here!

Coworker 1: (Starts rubbing forehead to ward off a headache) OK, then maybe they were delivered to the wrong department?

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) We asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: No one asked this department.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) …Did you get any checks lately you shouldn’t’ve?

Coworker 1: (Sighs) No.

Coworker 12: (In the distant background) Now we asked everywhere!

Coworker 1: OK, OK, if, by chance, they went somewhere else… outside the building… dropped onto the sidewalk… do you want me to look up whether they were deposited by someone else?

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) YES!

Coworker 1: (Holds phone away from ear for a few seconds) All right, send me the invoice numbers and I’ll contact the bank.

Coworker 2: (Voice echoes through Coworker 1’s phone earpiece and Coworker 2’s phone’s speaker) Can you CC me on the e-mails, please?

Coworker 1: (Looks distractedly at Coworker 2) Yeah…. (Covers up the mouthpiece and whispers again) How’d you get on this call, too?!

Coworker 2: (Hits “Mute” on the phone) They conferenced me in – guess it’s important.

Coworker 1: Great, that’s just perfect – (Uncovers the mouthpiece) Once I get the invoice numbers, I’ll get right on it and let you know when I hear back.

Coworker 6: (Voice zooms in) Could you expedite that so we know what happened ASAP?  It’s a lot of money.

Coworker 1: Sure, just…. (Keeps refreshing the e-mail inbox) I need the e-mail first before I can do anything.

Coworker 3: (Voice with sounds of rapid keystrokes underneath) I’m typing as fast as I can!  It’s about 50 invoices!

Coworker 1: WHAT?!  And the checks all just disappeared?!

Coworker 3: (Voice) Yes!  You understand now why we’re all freaking out?!

Coworker 1: (Holding head with one hand and the receiver with the other) Wait, so that many checks would’ve been delivered in a bigger package, then – did you get any boxes dropped off there recently?

Coworker 3: (Typing stops; sounds of rustling papers and heavier objects being dropped; voice) No – just the stationery delivery – ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh….

Coworkers 4-12: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

Coworker 1: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” what?!

Coworker 7: (Voice) We never actually read the label on this thing.

Coworker 11: (Voice in the distance) Checks always arrive in large envelopes, you know?

Coworker 4: (Voice) We ordered stationery recently and this looks just like that box those arrive in, so uncanny –

Coworker 1: (Head is now lying on the desk; muffled into the phone) Does the label say “Accounts Payable” on it?

Coworker 3: (Sounds of ripping packaging; voice) Yes!  Yes!  The checks are all in here, yay!

Coworkers 4-12: (Voices) YAY!

Coworker 1: (Still on the desk) Yay.

Coworker 2: (Turns off “Mute”; voice echoes again) Great job, team, glad that’s all resolved now, keep up the good work!  I have a meeting in five so I’m signing off now, bye!

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYE!

Coworker 1: (Sits up as Coworker 2 lifts the receiver to end the call on that phone; to the others) So, do you need anything else from me?

Coworker 4: (Voice) Nope, we’re all good now, thanks!

Coworker 1: OK.  Bye.

Coworkers 3-12: (Voices) BYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

(Coworker 1 gently hangs up the phone and stares into the middle distance)

Coworker 2: (Smirks at Coworker 1) I’m proud of you.

Coworker 1: I feel like I just ran a mini-marathon without physically moving from this spot.

Coworker 2: And that, is why, you delegate.

Story 511: Cursed With No Good Parking Spots

(In a supermarket self-checkout area, Little Old Lady slowly steps forward each time the shoppers ahead advance gradually.  As a kiosk’s light flashes when she is next in line, she gently picks up her basket that was set down on the floor and starts to head over there; she only makes it two steps before the shopper who was behind her zips around and zooms to the open kiosk)

Little Old Lady: Excuse me, but I was next.

The Cutter: (Pauses momentarily in high-speed scanning to address her) You snooze, you lose, GRAAAAAANDMAAAAAA!  (Resumes scanning)

Employee: (Hurriedly approaches Little Old Lady) I am so sorry I couldn’t stop this in time – would you like me to ring up your purchases for you when another kiosk opens?  (Gestures to The Cutter and lowers voice) I’ll also give that one the stink eye, if you like.

Little Old Lady: You are too kind, Overworked Employee, but no need – I have this under control.  (Flings away the basket and suddenly grows to a height of 10 feet as lightning flashes, thunder booms, winds blast throughout the store, overhead lights flicker on and off, and everyone else ducks for cover)

The Cutter: (Dives partially under a shelf holding a can of beans) HOLY – !

Giant Old Lady: (In a booming voice) HEAR ME, WRETCH: DUE TO THY HEARTLESS IMPATIENCE AND JUST PLAIN RUDENESS, I HEREBY CURSE YE FOR ALL ETERNITY!

The Cutter: (Trying to huddle farther back into a corner; mutters) Cripes; that’s the second time this month.

Giant Old Lady: MY CURSE UNTO YE BE THIS: TO THE END OF THY DAYS, YE WILL NEVER FIND A PARKING SPOT AGAIN!

The Cursèd: (Eyes widen in horror) What?!  Noooooooo!!!!  (Scurries out from under the shelf to fall on knees before Giant Old Lady and clasp hands in supplication) Wait, please, I beg you, mercy!  There’s no mass transit in this area; I have to drive to get anywhere; where am I gonna put the car???!!!  (Is hit in the face with a wind-blown circular; flings it away)

Giant Old Lady: NOT MY PROBLEM!

The Cursèd: And this won’t just affect me, you know – I drive other people, too!  Occasionally!

Giant Old Lady: THEY CAN BE DROPPED OFF!

The Cursèd: Drat.  Some leniency then, please!  I could have tripped you on my way past, but I didn’t!

Giant Old Lady: VERY WELL.  MY CURSE IS EDITED TO BE THUS: THAT YE WILL NEVER FIND A GOOD PARKING SPOT AGAIN, AHAHAHAHA!!!

The Cursèd: (Lowers head into hands and sobs) Better, but not much.

Giant Old Lady: `TIS DONE, AND CANNOT BE UNDONE!  (Waves arms in a flourish that whips up the winds even more, then shrinks back to previous size as the indoor weather abruptly stops and the overhead lights remain on)

Little Old Lady: (To Employee, who slowly emerges from behind a discount DVD bin) Apologies, but would you mind finding my basket, please?  I seem to have misplaced it.

Employee: (Quickly shoves the items that had spilled out back into the basket and hands it at arm’s length to Little Old Lady) Here – on the house, basket and all.

Little Old Lady: (Gently takes it) Such a dear.  (To The Cursèd) See where a little kindness can get you in life?

The Cursèd: Huuuuuuhhhhhh????

Little Old Lady: (On the way out of the store) Have a nice walk to your car; it’s the last time it’ll ever be this short, hee-hee-hee!

(The entire store stares at The Cursèd, who slowly stands and stares back at all the faces glaring in reproach)

The Cursèd: ….

The Store: ….

The Cursèd: …Old people, am-I-right?  (Is pelted by packages of napkins and paper towels from all directions)

THE NEXT DAY

(In an office conference room)

Manager: (Addressing several employees seated at a long table, basically speaking to a packet of papers being reviewed) Budget got underestimated again this year, so guess who are not getting raises, again –

(A groan ripples across the table)

Coworker 1: Could the company tell that to all our bills?

Coworker 2: Yeah, if no one anywhere across the nation is getting raises lately, then how are prices still going up?

Manager: (Slowly looks up from the packet) I… don’t know…?  (The Cursèd slips in through the door and slides into a seat at the end of the table; everyone else turns to stare) You realize this isn’t a huge lecture hall and we all saw you slither in here, yes?

The Cursèd: (Bites nails) I was hoping not to interrupt.

Manager: Mind explaining why you’re – (Checks watch and raises eyebrows) over two hours late to work today?

The Cursèd: (Stops biting) Right now?

Manager: Yes!

The Cursèd: (Mumbles at the table) I couldn’t find a parking spot.

Manager: What was that?

The Cursèd: I couldn’t find a spot to park my car!

Manager: That’s ridiculous; there are always tons of spots here!

The Cursèd: Well, today a bunch of school buses decided to take up half of them, and what was clearly non-emergency construction took over the rest by the time I got here!

Manager: So where’d you wind up, then?  Don’t tell me the strip mall down the street?

The Cursèd: No, I’m not walking 10 blocks in highway traffic, are you kidding?  I just parked out front and put on my hazard lights.

Manager: For all day?

The Cursèd: Yeah, why not?

Manager: For one thing, that’ll drain the battery right up, and for another, you’re probably going to get towed `cause that’s a fire lane.

The Cursèd: But they can’t tow me, I have my hazards on!

Coworker 3: (Leaning toward the window and peering down at the street) Hate to break it to you, but they’re towing you right now.

The Cursèd: (Runs out of the room) The curse, the curse!

(The rest stare at the empty doorway, then back at each other)

Manager: Is that some new way of cursing?  (The others shrug)

THE NEXT WEEK

(At a theater during intermission)

Audience Member 1: (To Audience Member 2 as both stand and stretch) I tell you, this show keeps getting better as the night goes on!

Audience Member 2: I know, I’m so glad we got to see it today, I’ve been looking forward to it for ages!  It’s been so much fun, I don’t even mind that we missed the first 10 minutes while looking for…. (Glances at phone)

Audience Member 1: Yeah.  Wanna try calling again?

Audience Member 2: (Sighs) I guess, although it’s pretty much a moot point by now.  (Selects a contact and waits for the call to pick up) Hey!  So, any luck with the hunt?

The Cursèd: (On speaker phone, gripping the steering wheel while stopped mid-uphill in a parking garage) After my 57^th circuit of this skyscraper, I spotted a pedestrian who is actually walking uphill instead of down – I believe my patience has at last been rewarded, since after stalking this individual for 13 levels they at last entered a vehicle, and all I have to do is wait with my blinker on to show that this spot is mine.

Audience Member 2: That’s great!  How long you think it’ll take to get here from there, then?

The Cursèd: Well, I’ve been waiting for this car to depart for nearly half an hour, so any minute now it should take me another 10 to get there.

Audience Member 2: …I don’t think that person’s leaving anytime soon.

The Cursèd: (Grips the wheel tighter, bloodshot eyes blazing) MY PATIENCE WILL BE REWARDED!

Audience Member 2: (As house lights dim and both sit) All righty, keep me posted by text then, bye!  (Ends call; whispers to Audience Member 1) Make sure to pick up an extra program on our way out.

Audience Member 1: (Whispers back as the curtain opens) Too bad they don’t let you do the old “Turn on your hazards and leave the car out front” here.

THE NEXT MONTH

(At a church parking lot, The Cursèd wearily circles around again as a wedding party processes inside)

The Cursèd: (Exits the lot to start touring the full side streets) Whelp, guess I’m out of the will again.  (Suddenly sees Little Old Lady waiting to cross the street, slams on the brakes and leans out the window) Oh come on!

Little Old Lady: (Points to the wedding party) Are those your relatives?

The Cursèd: Yes!  My parents, for the third time!  (Little Old Lady raises an eyebrow) Don’t ask.

Little Old Lady: It seems drama runs in the family.  If you drop me off at the main door, you may find a spot right in front will have “miraculously” opened up, pun intended.

The Cursèd: (Flings open the passenger side door) Yes – please – anything – I’ve been driving non-stop for weeks and had to refill the gas tank 20 times this month!  (Little Old Lady crosses the street and gets into the passenger seat; The Cursèd circles back to the parking lot) Wait a minute, you’re going to this wedding too?  (Gasps in panic) Are we related?!

Little Old Lady: (Chuckles) Of course, everyone everywhere is related if you go back far enough.  (The Cursèd’s eyes widen in realization) But in this case, I just volunteer to clean up after ceremonial messes.

The Cursèd: Oh good – I was afraid you were going to tell me I’ll turn into you one day or something.  (Stops at the curb and gestures at the church’s main door) There it is – have at you, and never curse me again.

Little Old Lady: (While exiting the car) Oh dear, you do realize this is just a one-time reprieve: you’re still cursed for eternity, no getting out of it.

The Cursèd: Son of a – (Sees a car leaving a spot right in front) MINE!  (Speeds away with the passenger side door still hanging open)

Little Old Lady: (Shakes head and tuts at the exhaust and burning rubber) Typical: no one ever learns their lesson after being eternally cursed.