Story 631: Extreme Commute Shortcut

             “Sigh.”

“What is it?”

“I don’t know, it’s just… we’re on this lovely walk on the beach, the Sun is shining, the seagulls are laughing their heads off at life, and the view is majestic, and all I can do is look across the ocean – ”

“Bay.”

“ – look across the bay at that huge metropolis where I slog into work five days a week with the rest of the tri-state area, and all I can think is, ‘It’s right there.’”

“Yes, it is.”

“I mean, it’s right there straight across from me, but in order to get there, I need to go allllllll the way around the longest route possible, both in time and distance.  In a crowded train car, filled with weirdos.”

“Well, yeah; unfortunately, that’s the only way to get there.  By going around the huge body of water that’s in the way.”

“Yeahhhhhhhh…. Hmmmmmmm…..”

“‘Hmmmmmmm’, what?”

“You may have something there.”

“What, reality?”

“Of course not.  You know how the shortest distance between two points is a straight line?”

“I don’t think I like where this is going.”

“Too bad, because you’ve inspired me to utterly revolutionize my life.”

“How on Earth did I manage to do that in the space of five seconds?”

“By making me realize what is literally right in front of us: why go around, when I can go through?  Or is it, over?”

“Well, sure, there’s a ferry you can take to the city that’s about half an hour away from here – ”

“Exactly: more commuting, more money, more time.  My solution’s far simpler.”

“And that is?”

“Get a kayak and paddle across.”

“…Are you for real?!”

“Extremely.”

“You wouldn’t make it one nautical mile before capsizing!”

“Hardly – there’s somebody right over there doing just fine now.”

“Yeah, well, that’s a local keeping to the shoreline, and someone who clearly has the strength, stamina, and skill for it – you, on the other hand, wouldn’t last 10 seconds before passing out from exhaustion, and the Coast Guard’ll have to pick you up when you drift out past Montauk.”

“And where is that?”

“The eastern tip of Long Island.”

“Hm.  And about how far away is that from here, do you think?”

“A lot!  Just… stick to the horrible commute you know and spare us all the drama of your attempt at athleticism, please!”

“And how would anything great ever be achieved with that attitude?”

“This hardly qualifies as great.” 

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi, what’s up?”

“Oh you know, it’s been a while, just checking in, making sure you weren’t lost at sea on the way to work – although you wound up not going through with it, right?”

“I sure did go through with it.”

“You didn’t.  Really?”

“How could you know me so little by now?  I said I was going to do it, so I did it.”

“So you actually bought a kayak and actually paddled all the way across rough waters to the city?!”

“Like I said: sure did.”

“And you’re still alive?!”

“What a question.”

“But – but – but that’s impossible!”

“So is flight, but tell that to all the birds and planes fighting the never-ending battle against gravity day-in and day-out.”

“And you didn’t keel over, or flip over, or get eaten by a shark, or swallowed up by a squid, or wind up in the open ocean, or – ”

“I’m sensing a disturbing lack of faith in my abilities that’s making me question our friendship.”

“But that’s because we’re nothing schlubs!  We don’t do stuff like paddle our way to work!  Or anywhere!”

“Seems that we can if we just put our minds to it, and after the initial equipment investment, this is saving me a fortune.”

“…There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“Nope – no, I think I pretty much covered everything.  It was a hard-fought battle, but I have defeated the all-consuming commutation snare, and both victory and vengeance are mine.”

“Uh-huh.  And how long did it take you to get to work by travelling in that innovative method?”

“….”

“????”

“….”

“????????”

“Two weeks.”

Story 623: Doctor vs. Patient

            (In a hospital procedural suite, Patient lies propped up in a stretcher while wearing a hospital gown, non-slip socks, and a ready-to-go IV port in one arm, and glares at a clock on the wall while tapping fingers on a side railing when Doctor 1 suddenly zips around the corner)

Doctor 1: (Carrying a tablet) Heyyyyyyy – sorry I’m running a little late this morning –office called me with a last-minute appointment that I had work into today’s schedule over the phone – everyone wants everything – you know how it is….  (Starts typing on the tablet)

Patient: (Stops tapping and stares at Doctor 1) You didn’t get up extra early and wound up stuck in the snow and ice like the rest of us this morning – you don’t have to lie to me.

Doctor 1: Heh-heh-heh.  (In a low voice without looking up) Appreciate it if you didn’t mention that to anyone else.  (Hands over the tablet) Sign at the bottom, please.

Patient: (Speed reads the digital forms) What is this now?  I thought I already signed everything on the portal?

Doctor 1: Almost: it’s a procedural consent.

Patient: (Looks up at Doctor 1) I signed 15 of those yesterday.

Doctor 1: Not this one.

Patient: (Sighs and signs with an index finger) I would say that my presence here, inadequately clothed at a pre-dawn hour, would have made it abundantly clear that I consent to this procedure, but I know how these things go.  (Hands back the tablet) Here.  Can we get this necessary invasion of my body orifice over with now, please?

Doctor 1: (Types on the tablet) Almost…. You finished the prep last night and are all clear now, correct?

Patient: Oh, I’d better be – that’s an experience I’ll never forget, or forgive.  The scope you’re using had better show that I’m all clear at this point, for I have nothing left to give.  (Shudders at the memory)

Doctor 1: (Still reading through forms on the tablet) Uh-huh, uh-huh.  (Furrows a brow, then looks at Patient) Has the anesthesiologist been by yet?

Patient: No, just everyone else who works here, and you.  Why?

Doctor 1: Need to sign a consent for that, too.

Patient: (Momentarily lets head fall back onto the pillow dramatically) Argh, just digitally rubber-stamp my signature on whatever forms that say you all can do whatever needs to be done to my helpless body, and let’s get on with it!  I have places to go, food to eat, and naps to take!

Nurse: (Maneuvers between Doctor 1 and the stretcher to check the IV port on Patient’s arm) Anesthesiologist called earlier and is on the way; got stuck with an emergency in the O.R.

Patient: HA!  That would be last shift’s problem – bet it was snow and ice again.  I’m not ashamed to admit it, so I don’t see why everyone else is.

(Doctor 2 suddenly zips around the corner while peering closely at a tablet, stops, and looks up at Patient; both freeze on seeing each other)

Doctor 2: You?!

Patient: You!?

Doctor 1: (Points back-and-forth at both) You… two know each other?

Patient: You can say that again!  (Gestures at Doctor 2) I’ve been that one’s accountant for ages!

Doctor 2: Ex-accountant!  I fired you years ago!

Patient: And you still never sent anything in writing about it, so our financial divorce was never official!

Doctor 2: Is that why your name is still all over my paperwork?

Patient: Oh yeah!  And you owe me years of fees, years!

Doctor 2: Nothing doing!  You lost me money every tax season, and I got audited five times!

Patient: What do you expect when your records are a disaster?!  For the longest time I thought you were trying to pull a fast one, but I finally realized that you’re just a mess, an absolute mess!

Doctor 2: Well, maybe it all wouldn’t have been such a mess if I’d had an advisor who knew what they were doing!

Patient: (On an intake of breath) How dare you!

Doctor 2: (Suddenly turns to Doctor 1) Doctor, I would like to recuse myself from this procedure today, please.

Patient: Yes, please!  I can’t believe I completely forgot after all these years that you claimed to work here!

Doctor 2: I do work here!

Patient: …That goes without saying!  (To Doctor 1) So, I want a new anesthesiologist, ASAP!

Doctor 1: What – no – we can’t, this is the only anesthesiologist working up here today, and I’m already behind schedule!

Patient: Just grab the other anesthesiologist hovering somewhere else in the building, then – I’ll wait.

Doctor 2: Other one’s in the middle of a bilateral knee replacement in the O.R., and that’ll take hours.

Patient: HA!  No wait, I believe that one.

Doctor 1: Well, I can’t wait until that’s all done down there: I’ve got 23 other procedures up here today, and then I’ve gotta get back to the office to see patients there until who-knows-when tonight!  It never stops and I never get any rest!

Doctor 2: Don’t talk to me about never getting any rest: my shifts start before the Sun rises and supposedly end in the afternoon, but with all the paperwork and the emergencies and the last-minute add-on cases I’m lucky I get out of here before meeting myself the next day!

Patient: Excuse me!  (Everyone turns to Patient) I scheduled this in the middle of tax season because I was told – (Glares at Doctor 1) that it was so important and had to be done, but at this time of year I’m working with and without the Sun for months on end so don’t come crying to me!

Doctor 1: We don’t have a season!  Healthcare is 24/7!

Patient: Sounds like a “you” problem!  I still want a replacement for this deadbeat putting me in a temporary coma!

Doctor 2: If I’m a deadbeat, then where’d all my income go, hm?!

Patient: I don’t know, check wherever you bury all your other worldly goods!

Doctor 2: Swindler!

Patient: Quack! 

Doctor 1, Doctor 2, and Nurse: <Gasp!>

Patient: (Calmer) I apologize: I didn’t mean to insult you fine clinicians or the healthcare profession as a whole.

Doctor 1: (Rubbing temples; to Patient) Regardless, if we don’t start the procedure within the next… (Checks the wall clock) three minutes, we’ll have to reschedule.

Patient: (Nods) For later today.

Doctor 1: No, for another day.

Patient: (Hisses) I am not going through that prep more than once a decade, do-you-hear-me?!

Doctor 1: Well, it’ll be once every five years with your family history – (Patient’s eyes widen and mouth drops open) but if you don’t want to repeat it this year, then we’ve all gotta go now!

(Patient glares at Doctor 1, then at Doctor 2 who shakes head in disgust at Patient, then at Nurse who is quietly seething)

Next Patient: (Sharply draws back the curtains separating the two stretchers and addresses Patient) If you’re not going, does that mean I can go now?!  I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning and I’m starving!

Patient: We’re all starving – deal with it!  (Yanks the curtain back closed, stares at the others for several moments, then holds out a hand for Doctor 2’s tablet; the latter quickly gives it to Patient who signs without reading it and mumbles) I don’t believe it – for once I get to be the client, and I still have no rights, no rights whatsoever!

Nurse: You have the right to privacy.

Patient: (Hands back the tablet to Doctor 2) Not once I’m in that procedure room, I won’t!

Doctor 1: (While grabbing one side of the stretcher railings as Nurse grabs the other; they release the brake and race Patient to the procedure room) All-right-thank-you-let’s-go-let’s-go-let’s-go!

Patient: (Points wildly to Doctor 2 while being rushed through the corridor; the latter jogs after the stretcher to keep up) Just remember: if you try anything funny in there, I’ll be surrounded by a room full of witnesses!

Doctor 2: (As Patient’s stretcher is parked in the procedure room and everyone scrambles to get things ready, plants leads on Patient’s chest and puts nasal cannula around Patient’s head and up the nose, starting oxygen flow) Are you kidding?!  I could do everything right and still get sued, reported to every State and Federal organization out there, and have to relive it every time I apply for a new position or need new malpractice insurance – could you imagine how much more of a nightmare it’d be if I actually did mess up?!  On purpose??!!

Patient: I wouldn’t put it past you!  You never gave me the information I needed to fill out Form 706 that one year, and then complained when you got notices yelling at you about it later!

Doctor 2: I didn’t – !

Nurse: (Preparing equipment) All right, not that I don’t want to interrupt, but before we start there are few last checks we have to do.  (To Patient) Your date of birth?

Patient: Again?!  It’s --/--/----!  And now I think I’ve told the entire hospital twice how old I wish I wasn’t!

Nurse: Great, and who is the doctor performing the procedure today?

Patient: You don’t know?!

Nurse: Of course we – just answer the question, please.

Patient: Sorry: Dr. ------.

Nurse: Thank you.  Now –

Patient: Not for nothing, but at this point I refuse to complete the rest of your time-out process without being paid at least some of your salary.  (Turns on the stretcher to lie on the left side) Do with me what you will.

Doctor 2: (Injects solutions into the IV port) All right, sleep tight: your life is in my hands now, heh-heh.

Patient: (Falling asleep) If I wake up in the middle of all this, I’ll know it was you….

Doctor 1: (While preparing the scope; to Doctor 2) Out?

Doctor 2: (Checks Patient and a monitor) Yes, thankfully.

Doctor 1: Good: let’s get this done so I can get to all the others piling up like a backed-up conveyer belt out there.  (Starts the procedure and examines a monitor)  You know, these things are trying enough to do without the added drama. 

Doctor 2: (Also examining a monitor) Heh, you’re telling me…. Speaking of which, I’ve gotta schedule one of these things for myself soon: you think you’d be available –

Doctor 1: (Without looking at Doctor 2) Absolutely not.

Doctor 2: Fair enough.

Story 619: When Is Now?

            “What day is today?”

“The date?”

“No, the day.”

“Oh, it’s Wednesday.”

“How do you know?”

“Because… it is?”

“But how do you know, for certain?”

“Is this a test or something?”

“I just want to know how is it you’re absolutely, positively certain what day of the week it is.”

“OK, if we’re doing this: I know it’s Wednesday because later I’ll have to go food shopping.”

“Which could’ve been changed with any other day.”

“Ugh, fine: it’s also leftovers tonight.”

“Not good enough – you can have leftovers several days a week.  Have you looked at an actual calendar today?”

“No, I haven’t looked at a calendar in weeks; I don’t have to because it’s all – up – here!”

“Uh-huh.”

“All right: today is most definitely Wednesday, because yesterday was Tuesday.  So there.”

“…But how do you know yesterday was – ”

“I’ve had enough of this – excuse me, busy employee?”

“Oh, me?  I’m actually in the middle of helping someone else, but how can I help you in a few minutes?”

“This’ll just take a second: we’re playing an annoying game right now – could you be a pal and let us know what day of the week today is, please?”

“Yeah, sure: it’s Thursday.”

“….”

“….”

“OK, gotta go – bye.”

“….”

“….”

“Do you think we should be concerned this may be a sign of a serious problem that we should get checked out?”

“Nah – at least we still know what the days of the week are.”

“True; and after all, we really were only one day off.”

“I’d say that’s a win.”

Story 600: Where Does Time Go?

            (On a sunny summer afternoon, Friend 1 and Friend 2 lounge in patio chairs in Friend 2’s backyard, facing the lawn and staring through sunglasses at nothing in particular)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 as both still face forward) You know, sometimes I miss having a backyard.

Friend 2: Yeah?

Friend 1: I mean, I grew up with one at my parents’ house, and I love my apartment now, but sometimes I miss having a bit of outdoor space to do nothing in, without having to walk or drive somewhere else and share it with strangers.  I never realized at the time what it luxury it was; it was always just… there.

Friend 2: Yeah…. Can be a pain in the neck to mow, though.

Friend 1: Oh, definitely – you can keep it.  (A cell phone alert goes off; Friend 1 takes the phone out of a pants pocket and navigates to the alert)

Friend 2: Everything OK?

Friend 1: (Still tapping buttons) Oh yeah, it’s just one of those “On this day, such-and-such years ago” – wonder what it is this time?

Friend 2: Eh, probably a photo you’ll immediately want to delete.

Friend 1: No such photo exists: I live a blameless online life.  (Stares at the screen for a few moments) Hmmmmmm….

Friend 2: So, what is it?

Friend 1: (With brows furrowed in puzzlement) A picture from senior year in high school, twentyyyyyyy… (Lifts up sunglasses briefly to squint at the screen) five years ago.

Friend 2: Heh-heh, yeah, I suppose it would be that long ago.  Mildly depressing, but I can’t really bring myself to care right now.  (Sips some lemonade)

Friend 1: (Still looking confused, holds the phone up to Friend 2) Do you remember this?

Friend 2: (Also briefly lifts up sunglasses to squint at the screen) I remember some of the people in it; is that a diner?  We always went to one after games and rehearsals and whatever.

Friend 1: (Brings the phone back to stare at the photo again) I didn’t always go – I only went a few times.

Friend 2: Oh.  Sorry.  You were always around back then so I figured you were always at those things too, but now I remember you weren’t.  Different crowds, I guess.

Friend 1: It’s OK, it’s just… why don’t I remember this?

Friend 2: I dunno – old age?

Friend 1: But any other photo, I remember something about what was happening – I don’t remember this at all.  It’s almost like I’m looking at a stranger.

Friend 2: Sure it’s you, then?  Sometimes these sites tag the wrong people and start up a whole world of trouble.

Friend 1: Oh no, it’s me all right, and those’re people I hung around with, and you’re there too, but the actual event is blank.

Friend 2: Well, get used to it: I’m sure it’ll happen more and more often as we travel onward through the fourth dimension that is time, losing all ou irreplaceable brain cells on the way.  Can’t be helped.

Friend 1: (Turns off the phone’s display, slips the phone back into the pocket, and leans back in the chair) I guess.  I would say I’m too young for that to happen yet, but that’s a lie.  In less than 10 years, we’ll be half a century old, can you believe it?

Friend 2: (Mildly, with a smile) Hush your mouth.

Friend 1: Half a century.  I might’ve lived more than half my life already, and I won’t even know for certain until right before it’s over.  Every second that goes by, we’re inching ever closer to our doom.

Friend 2: (Contentedly leaning back in the chair) Ahhhh, drama.

Friend 1: And it’s not only me, or you, or everyone else: our entire planet has an expiration date, did you know that?

Friend 2: More so every day.

Friend 1: And I’m not even talking about end-times weather and all that; I’m talking about our own Sun, our one and only star and source of our very existence, swallowing us up as it turns into a red giant and then one moment it, too, is no more.

Friend 2: Thankfully, we’ll be long gone before that even begins to happen.

Friend 1: Sure, we think everything out there’ll last forever, but nothing does.  Nothing.  One by one, everything ends, even the longest-existing piece of matter out there, from the beginning of the Big Bang or whatever or whoever it was started this whole mess.  One far off, distant increment of time, it will all cease to be, breaking the First Law of Thermodynamics with impunity and no one around anymore to notice; even time will run down and sputter off into the nothing from which it came.

Friend 2: I think that’s called a paradox.

Friend 1: Not if time is just another thing in the universe that has a beginning and an inevitable, painful end.

Friend 2: But I thought time was more our perception of existence rather than a thing in and of itself?

Friend 1: Ha!  That’s what they want you to think.

Friend 2: “They?”

Friend 1: Why else would the past 25 years have gone by with us barely noticing, but the first 10 years of our lives were as slow as anything and were so much better?

Friend 2: I think you’re missing a few years in there.

Friend 1: No one care about those.  No, time is a hooligan: a sick, twisted scoundrel who plays with our hearts and fools around with our minds before greedily consuming them both.

Friend 2: (Sighs) Oh dear.

Friend 1: (Gestures at the early evening sky) I mean, take this for example.

Friend 2: (Stares at the sky for several moments) Mostly sunny, partly cloudy?

Friend 1: Well, that, but no: we’ve been sitting out here all afternoon, enjoying the summer day, but already evening is coming on, a minute earlier every rotation, and you can say it’s the Earth tilting on its axis away from the Sun for us here in the Up Over, while those lucky Down Under get an extra minute of daylight every winter day in exchange, but it’s really time, reminding us that the end of the year is nigh, and growth and light and life will soon be gone until the Earth remembers to tilt back again, ages from now.

Friend 2: It’s only the beginning of August.

Friend 1: And yet, night falls half an hour earlier than it did in June.  The cycle continues, bringing us that much closer to our own, customized, THE END.

Friend 2: So: we have the luxury of sitting in private green space, enjoying the fresh air, enjoying the summer day – (Pointedly) enjoying each other’s company – and ignoring the ticking clock that’s been with us since birth and will be with us until… whenever.

Friend 1: (Sips some lemonade) I reckon that’s one way to look at it.

Friend 2: That’s the only way to look at it – your way drives us collectively bonkers.

Friend 1: …Yeah, I guess that’s not really time well spent.

Friend 2: (Turns to Friend 1) You know, you’re remarkably calm about one of your many existential crises, for a change.

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2) Well, sometimes, I exhaust even myself.

Story 591: The Downsides of Dating a Celebrity

 [Disclaimer: This is definitely not inspired by a true story; just a “What If?”]

(At a happening club in a major city, Fan and Friend stand on the fringes of a packed dance floor, taking in the frenetically swaying crowd, the dim swirling lights, and the pulse-pounding music)

Fan: (Looking like a typical nerd with glasses, ponytail, and non-club clothing; yells in Friend’s ear to be heard) I can’t believe I’m really here!  Thank you so much for inviting me to come along – this is gonna be the best night of my life!

Friend: (Dressed for the nightlife; sips from a drink before yelling back) No sweat!  Who knew working hundreds of hours as an unpaid intern in a dead-end career would mildly pay off, so I figured, share the joy when I can, know-what-I-mean?

Fan: Yes, this is awesome!  I never get to go anywhere exciting like this – it’s so much fun!

Friend: Yeah, and on top of that you may get to finally meet your #1 celebrity crush any minute now!  (Checks watch) Yep, he’s late as usual – he thinks it adds to his allure, but then he winds up getting stuck in traffic and it just makes him even later!

Fan: Oh yeah, that!  It’ll be nice just to see him sort-of in-person across the room, late or not!  Who knows, maybe he’ll even see me wave!

Friend: Oh yes, please do restrain yourself!  (They both laugh) Seriously though, I can try to get you close enough for an autograph, and you might even get to say “Hi” if you’re lucky!

Fan: Oh, thanks, but I don’t think I’m brave enough for that!  I’d probably stutter even on the one word!

Friend: Yeah, he has that effect on pretty much everyone these days!  I still can’t see it myself: he’s always been polite the few times we’ve interacted, but other than good looks and charm and that certain something, I really don’t get the appeal!  (Takes another sip)

Fan: I can’t explain it either – (Eyes suddenly widening in glee, she starts moderately hopping up-and-down and pointing at the club entrance while grasping Friend’s shoulder with the other hand; the clubgoers all go bonkers in that direction) Ooh!  Ooh!  There he is, he’s here!

(The clubgoers swam toward the entrance as Celebrity arrives with an entourage; security staff members manage the crowd as the group makes its way through the club)

Celebrity: (Wearing sunglasses and smiling broadly at everyone, shaking random hands and scribbling autographs on held-out photos, T-shirts, and cocktail napkins) Hello everyone!  Hi!  Yes!  Thank you!  Great to see you all!  I failed penmanship in school but no one cares!  This is the best party ever!

Clubgoer: (Toward the back of the crowd) I LOVE YOU!

Celebrity: Yes, I love you all, too!  (The crowd roars in happiness) Now: let’s boogie all!  Night!  Long!  (Dances surrounded by cheering clubgoers as security staff members run interference)

Friend: (To Fan) You sure you don’t want to try getting a little closer?  You just might be able to see the perspiration, and maybe even hear the hyperventilation!

Fan: (With hands clasped in front of her chest, watching Celebrity in muted awe) No, thank you!  This is enough.

Friend: Whelp, at least we got in for free, if nothing else!  (Finishes the drink and gestures at a passing server to request another one) I’ll be right back – need a refill!

Fan: (Nods without looking away from Celebrity) Uh-huh; have fun!

Friend: …Yeah, OK!  (Follows server to get a new drink)

(During the ongoing dance, Fan continues to watch Celebrity with a soft smile on her face.  In mid-move, Celebrity spins around and suddenly freezes on seeing Fan.  He whips off his sunglasses as he and Fan lock eyes for several long moments while time briefly stops for both.  They stare at each other in a perfect moment as the club disappears around them, until Celebrity pockets the sunglasses and urgently makes his way through the crowd to Fan, with security staff members flanking him)

Fan: (In a small voice as Celebrity quickly approaches) Is he actually coming this way…?  (Lowers hands)

Celebrity: (Stops breathlessly in front of Fan) Hi!

Fan: (Squeaks out) Hi!

Celebrity: I’m ------!

Fan: (Beaming brightly as security staff members unobtrusively run a metal detector wand around her and scan her face and fingerprints to run a background check) Yes, I know!  I’m --------!

Celebrity: (Appearing amazed) It’s really you, then!

Fan: (Looks uncertainly from side-to-side, still smiling at Celebrity) It sure is!

Celebrity: (Shakes head quickly to clear it) I mean, it’s you: The One I’ve Been Waiting For All My Life!

Fan: Oh, right!  (Laughs nervously, then stops smiling) For real?

Celebrity: (Smiling ecstatically) Yes!  I knew I would know the moment I saw you that you were The One, and here you are at last, after all my years of loneliness and searching!

Fan: (Starts smiling again) Oh!  Yes, well, here I am!  It’s so nice to meet you!  In person, that is – of course I’ve seen all your movies and that one TV show you did when you were a teenager!  Not that I’m obsessed or anything!  (Holds her arms straight out as a security staff member gives her a brief pat down)  Anyway, nice to meet you, in real life!

Celebrity: Oh, --------!  (Laughs, then leans in intensely) This is more than nice.

Fan: (Almost hypnotized by the stare) Wow.

(Security staff members give thumbs-up to Celebrity, who barely notices)

Celebrity: (Holds out a hand to Fan) Shall we waltz?

Fan: (Taking his hand) Oh, well actually, this music seems to be more of the mosh-pit variety –

Celebrity: (Chuckles, sweeping Fan out onto the dance floor and then pulling her in close) I’m sure there’s an orchestra playing somewhere.

Fan: Oh my.

(Oblivious to the high-decibel instrumentation and the confused and jealous clubgoers all around them, Celebrity and Fan stare deeply into each other’s eyes as the sway and somewhat dance to the music in their heads; both mentally latch onto “The Blue Danube” since that is the only waltz they know.  The clubgoers eventually go back to dancing or filming the two as security staff members follow them around the dance floor to maintain a perimeter of semi-privacy.  Celebrity and Fan dance for a few minutes of imaginary paradise, smiling wider and wider with each passing moment.  Eventually, they gradually slow down to a stop, and then there is that hesitation which just may lead to a kiss….)

Celebrity: So, I’m flying out to Paris in the morning.

Fan: (Shakes herself out of the reverie) Oh.  Really?

Celebrity: Yeah, it’s this new movie I’m working on; you probably heard about it by now – one of those blockbusters that takes place in about 20 different counties, so we all have to actually go out and film in 20 different countries; that whole thing.

Fan: Oh, my.

Celebrity: Yeah, it’s a real drag.  (Shakes hair in emphasis on the last two words) I mean, in this day and age, we’ve got CGI, we’ve got stock footage, we’ve got sets – no one would ever really know we’re not really saying our lines in Rome or Fiji or Tokyo or wherever, you know?

Fan: Tokyo?

Celebrity: Yeah, but it’s all part of the gig, I get it – we all gotta do our part and make the sacrifice for our job – art! – or whatever, right?

Fan: Oh yes, make the sacrifice….

Celebrity: (Takes Fan’s hand again and gazes intensely into her eyes once more) Anyway, what I wanted to ask, my darling –

Fan: (Leans in, almost swooning) Yes?

Celebrity: Would you like to… tag along?

Fan: …What?

Celebrity: I’m sure I could smuggle you onto the payroll as another “assistant” – (Does the air quotes) the world would know the truth, but there’s nothing they could do about it and we wouldn’t care about them, would we, my angel?

Fan: Um… well….

Celebrity: (Briefly sweeps away dramatically) Oh yes, I’m sure you have… family, or… a job, or… something, BUT – (Leans in closer for emphasis) when the Universe finally has the chips falling our way, do you really want to walk away without opening that door, hm?

Fan: (Confused by the mixed metaphors) Um….

Celebrity: (Suddenly concerned) Your passport’s in order and everything, right?  (Fan nods her head) No criminal record that I should know about, right?  (Fan shakes her head) Great!  (Now holding Fan’s hand with both of his own) Say you’ll come with, my dearest, my love, my soul’s other half!  I don’t think I could bear being parted from you for even a day – I don’t care what everyone says, video conferencing isn’t the same, it just isn’t!

Fan: (Looks up to think) Well….

Celebrity: (Falls to his knees) Yes?

Fan: (Looks back down at Celebrity) Well… if this is Fate, then I’m all in!

Celebrity: Yes!  (Stands back up and hugs Fan, lifting her up to spin her around then sets her back down) I’ll call my agent to book everything for you now!  (Slightly turns away to pull out a cellphone and makes the call)

Fan: (Smiling in bliss, turns around and sees Friend) Oh.  Hi there!

Friend: (Holding a new drink and staring at Fan in disbelief) Yeah… hi... what was that all about?

Fan: (Comes a few steps closer) So, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m going to Paris tomorrow, hee-hee-hee!

Friend: Uh-huh.

Fan: With ------ -----!  (Almost squeals in delight)

Friend: Uh-huh.

Fan: Ooh, are you gonna be there, too?!  That would be great if we could all go together, it’d be so much fun!

Friend: No, the nonexistent budget for my position doesn’t cover international film shoots; I just work in the local office.

Fan: Aw, too bad.  I’ll make sure to write you, though!

Friend: Yeah, about that: do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?!

Fan: …A plane?

Friend: No, doofus: you’re going to another country with a stranger!  And not just any stranger – a stranger whose every move is followed by the entire world!

Fan: Pff, he’s not a stranger, he’s ------ -----; everyone knows him, and no real dirt’s been turned up on him – yet.

Friend: Yeah, but you don’t know him, not really!  You literally just met him tonight, and this is all his – (Sweeps arms in the general direction of Celebrity) Public Persona, carefully cultivated and maintained for years to the point where he can’t turn it off anymore!  Even I’ve never seen him just be himself, and I’ve worked with him for months!

Fan: Well, it turns out that he’s my The One, and I’m his The One, and neither you nor any of our inevitable naysayers can do anything to thwart our love!

Friend: Love?!  Does he even know your name?!

Fan: Of course he – !  (Thinks for a few moments) Yes!  Yes, I told him!  (Quietly to self) Whew.

Friend: Oh, well, that’s a relief; for a moment there I was worried, but now I know everything will go swimmingly!

Fan: You’re just jealous!

Friend: Of what, the disaster you’re setting yourselves up for, or the paparazzi who’ll be your new best friends?!

Fan: Of OUR LOVE!

Friend: You know, I think you both actually believe that’s what this is.

Fan: (Raises head in injured dignity) One day, you’ll regret everything you’ve said here after we’ve shown how wrong you are, you –

Celebrity: (Holding the phone against his shoulder) `Scuse me, hon – (Fan turns to Celebrity) sorry to interrupt, but my agent’s ordering the plane ticket now and is asking: how do you spell your name?

Fan: (Icily turns back to Friend) I’ll be back in a minute.  If you’re gone by the time we’re done, I’ll make sure to find a spare moment to call you from France.  (Turns back to Celebrity and they walk away from Friend, arms around each other’s shoulders and heads touching)

Friend: (Sarcastically shouting after them) Yeah, yeah – say “Hi” to the Eiffel Tower for me!

THREE MONTHS LATER

(A large crowd has gathered at the front entrance of a hospital, with police and security officers maintaining control.  Their volume and activity increase when a car parks in the employee lot and Fan emerges, hurrying through with officers’ assistance as photos are taken, signs are shaken, and questions are shouted at her)

Crowd Member 1: --------!  Is it true you and ------ ----- secretly got married while he was filming in Reykjavík this year?!

Crowd Member 2: -------!  Is it true that you’re secretly pregnant with ------ -----‘s decuplets?!

Fan: (Turns slightly at that one while still walking) What?!  Is that even physically possible?

Crowd Member 3: --------!  Is it true you were abducted by extraterrestrials 10 years ago and now are trying to get ------ ----- abducted as well?!

Fan: (Not turning back) I can’t believe that one’s still going around.

Crowd Member 4: Will you be his quote-unquote assistant forever?!

Crowd Member 5: What about the fraud charges he’s currently under investigation for?!

Crowd Member 6: What about the fraud charges you also may be currently under investigation for?!

Crowd Member 7: Does your “D” in high school Chemistry affect his estimation of you as a suitable life partner?!

Crowd Member 8: Does he know about that shoplifting incident when you were 7?!

Crowd Member 9: Do you know about his shoplifting incident when he was 27?!

Crowd Member 10: Do you know he has a step-father?!

Crowd Member 11: Does he know you have a half-sister?!

Crowd Member 12: Do you know that he may have a love child or children?!

Crowd Member 13: Do you have a love child?!

Crowd Member 14: Are you his love child?!

Fan: (Stops at the hospital’s front doors, then slowly turns around to face the crowd) Listen: I’ve put up with being followed all around the world, and then at the grocery store and while getting a haircut when I got back home, but today is my first day back at work after being on leave, so if you’ll excuse me, I have to go in there and save some lives today!

Crowd Member 15: Ha!  We all know you’re just an administrative assistant!

Fan: Rude.

Crowd Member 16: (To Crowd Member 15) Yeah, she’s on the front lines with everyone else there – she’s a healthcare hero!

Fan: (Smooths hair back a bit) Well, I wouldn’t say “hero” exactly –

Crowd Member 15: (To Crowd Member 16) She’s at the back of the front lines and supports the actual heroes!  She’s got borrowed glory!

Crowd Member 16: She provides vital support, which is more than you’ve ever done with your life!

(They start whacking each other with their signs; the rest of the crowd joins in the fray as Fan rushes into the hospital and up to her department’s office)

Manager: (Seated at a desk, looks up from a computer as Fan hurries in through the door) Hey, look who’s back!  I thought you said you were coming in next week?

Fan: (Dumping personal bags onto a dusty desk) Yeah, well, I was hoping to head off the crowds, but I forgot they know everything about everyone so that failed spectacularly.

Manager: (Goes over to a window and peers down at the front entrance of the building) Ooh, yeah, see what you mean.

Fan: (Sits at the desk and starts up the computer as Manager returns to the other desk) So, thanks again for letting me take all this time off with… no real notice.

Manager: Not at all!  You had a lot of vacation time backed up, and we managed; this also has been the most exciting thing to happen here in years, so I do expect to hear all about it at some point.

Fan: (Smiles) I’ll type up a report just for you.

Manager: (Starts typing) Awesome.  Also, I’d already sent a memo out to the team that they’d better leave you alone when you came back, so I’ll just send a notice that it’s effective immediately instead of next Monday.

Fan: (Looks over at a door with a window, sees team members standing on the other side smiling and waving, and smiles and waves back) Thanks – appreciate it.

Manager: (After sending the e-mail, goes to Fan’s desk as the latter wipes down the computer) Sooo….

Fan: (Looks up at Manager) Yep?

Manager: (Trying to contain excitement) What was it like?!

Fan: What, the professional and amateur stalking or the permanent jet lag?

Manager: Well, those, and, you know – (Sits on the edge of the desk) finding out your celebrity crush was also your soulmate?

Fan: Oh.  That.  Not all it’s cracked up to be.  (Picks up the ringing desk phone)

Manager: (Goes back to desk) Oh.  No hope for the rest of us, then.

Fan: Laboratory, this is --------, how may I help you?

Crowd Member 17: (On the phone) Is it true you work there just to get ------ ----- a regular blood supply so that he can remain forever young?!  (Fan hangs up the phone)

Manager: Did you at least have fun visiting all those different countries?

Fan: (Scrolls through thousands of unread e-mails) Yes, those were all great, everyone who wasn’t harassing us was lovely.  (Turns to Manager) You know when you want something so badly for so long, and then one day you improbably get it, but then it turns out to be not as fulfilling as you’d dreamed it would be?

Manager: (Nods) Every day.

Fan: (Hears her cell phone ringing, then checks the caller ID and slumps) Oh no.

Manager: Ooh, is it him?

Fan: (Reaches toward the screen) I’ll call back later –

Manager: No-no-no, answer it now – use the break room, it’s empty and I won’t let anyone in!  Or listen.  (Puts on a pair of headphones)

Fan: (Stands and goes to the break room) Thanks a lot, really.  (Enters and closes the door)

Manager: (Returns to working on the computer) Sometimes, I wish I was nosy.

Fan: (Answers the call, tiredly) Hi!

Celebrity: (On a sound stage; film crew members and actors bustle all around him) Hi!  How’s your first day back at the old salt mines, heh-heh-heh?

Fan: Well, I just realized that I forgot to put on an away message, but I think everyone figured it out after the first few weeks.

Celebrity Ugh, work e-mail, what a drag, am-I-right?

Fan: …Yeah.

Celebrity: So, sorry to bother you with this while you’re doing work things, but I didn’t want to forget later: I know I said I was going to take you out for your birthday this week, and finally meet your parents and all that home stuff –

Fan: (Gritted teeth) Yes?

Celebrity: BUT, turns out my P.R. people added another stop on the obligatory press junket, so now I have to be a guest on yet another late-night show that same day, and since it’s a three-hour flight both ways –

Fan: I got it.  Maybe next week, then.

Celebrity: Yeah, that’s the thing: we’re starting rehearsals on my next film on Monday, and it’s also tech week for my Broadway debut, and both productions so kindly rearranged their schedules so I could do each, and my current film’s wrapping up production today but the studio’s threatening reshoots and you know how that goes –

Fan: (Briefly closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose) Fine, forget the birthday.

Celebrity: You sure?  I always forget mine, so I’m never certain how other people feel about theirs.

Fan: …So when do you think we can meet up again?

Celebrity: Hold on, let me check – (Scrolls through his phone for a few moments, then gets back on the call) Great: I have a few hours open on February 25!

Fan: (Stares out blankly) February 25.

Celebrity: Uh-huh!

Fan: Of next year.

Celebrity: …Uh-huh!  Want me to put it on the calendar so I don’t accidentally book something else in the meantime?

Fan: …No, I think I’ll pass.

Celebrity: Oh.  Maybe March, then?

Fan: You know, after the first day of our… relationship, I barely saw you for more than five minutes at a time, and we were always rushing off somewhere to do something that we never really got to know each other, you know?

Celebrity: What’s there to know?  We’re each other’s The One!

Fan: Yeah, that’s fine for a hot minute, but I need something more substantial for the rest of my life.  Plus it’s a bit hard to connect with you when everyone else is trying to connect with you, too – I should know, since I was one of those “everyone else.”

Celebrity: Bah, I hardly notice them anymore now that you’re here!  (Fan double-takes) And I know, I’m sorry I’m all work-work-work lately – my life didn’t used to be like that until I made it big, and now I’ve got all these projects going on that I can’t pass up opportunities or else they’ll stop coming and then I’ll never be able to find work in the business again, but everything’ll slow down in a few decades, I promise!

Fan: OK.

Celebrity: OK?

Fan: Yes – call me when everything’s slowed down in a few decades, OK?

Celebrity: (Crestfallen) Oh.

Fan: But don’t worry: I’m sure you’ll find someone right away who’ll have your love children or just go out on dates or whatever in your extremely limited spare time.

Celebrity: You were the first person I ever dated!

Fan: No way, really?

Celebrity: Yes!  I’m sure you remember I used to say in all my interviews that I was waiting for The One, and I was, and The One was you!

Fan: Oh.  I thought you exaggerating to look adorable.

Celebrity: I would never!

Fan: Oh.  Well, that’s flattering.  I guess, then… think of this as a learning experience.

Celebrity: Wait, is that it, then?  We’re going to scorn the Will of Fate, and never see each other ever again for the rest of our lives?!

Fan: Well, I’ll certainly see you on the big screen, buddy!

Celebrity: (Sadly) And I’ll see you in my dreams.  (Ends the call and slowly sits on the floor, staring out into the distance)

Fan: (Looks at the phone’s screen and sees the disconnected call) Aw, why’d he have to go and say a thing like that?  (Goes back into the office and sits at her desk)

Manager: (Removes the headphones) So?  Everything good?

Fan: No, actually: we just broke up.

Manager: What?!  Really?!  Maybe it’s not so final – maybe you two just need a little break from all the whirlwind you’ve been through, that’s all.

Fan: Our entire time together was pretty much a break: I basically followed him around and we occasionally got to eat at the same table in a restaurant or have our picture taken next to each other for five seconds.

Manager: Oh.  So pretty much most of the cons and few of the pros of being a celebrity, huh?

Fan: Pretty much.

Manager: Who knows: maybe he’ll try to win you back or something.

Fan: (Hears noises outside and goes to the window to see that the crowd in front of the hospital is leaving) Nope – the public has decreed that it’s over, so it must be over then.

Manager: They’re gone?  Good – for you, and, on a selfish note, some corporate VPs are coming for our quarterly meeting today, so them seeing that mess out front would’ve been really embarrassing.

Fan: That meeting’s today?  Oops.  (Her cell phone rings again)

Manager: (Puts the headphones back on) Take it – hardly any work is getting done here right now, so I’m just rolling with it.

Fan: Thanks.  (Checks the caller ID, raises an eyebrow, and goes back into the break room but does not bother closing the door) Hey!

Friend: (Seated at a desk in an office) Hey: I heard you and ------ ----- just broke up.

Fan: Of course; the whole world has heard by now, I suppose.

Friend: You suppose correctly.  Sorry to hear it.

Fan: Really?  I thought you saw the whole thing as stupid and fake.

Friend: I did, but I’m still sorry you had to go through all that and still not get the guy in the end or whatever.

Fan: Thank you.  It really is all for the best, though.

Friend: So he wasn’t The One after all that, huh.

Fan: It seems not, but at the time I could have sworn he was.  It’s strange: I had liked him from afar for so long, but your opinion of someone really does change once you see their personal hygiene habits.  Also, when you hardly see them at all, it makes you wonder: what’s the point?

Friend: And that’s why I willingly remain single to this day.

Fan: Yeah.  And on top of everything else, I don’t think I can ever watch him on-screen in the same way again after this.  Lesson learned, I guess.

Friend: So I take it that if you had to do it all over again, you would’ve turned him down and avoided the drama and heartache?

Fan: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Story 588: Better Not Forget About Mother’s Day

 SATURDAY, MAY 3

            (In a townhouse, Sibling 2 is folding laundry on the living room couch while listening to the radio with the volume turned up to the max)

Sibling 2: (Singing along, also to the max) <AND IIIIIIIIIIIII/ DON’T KNOOOOOOOWWWWW THE WOOOOOOORDS/ OOOOOOOOOOH, I – > (Is interrupted by knocking on the front door and turns briefly to the open windows) Oops.  (Turns off the radio and checks the door’s peephole) Oh good.  (Unlocks and opens the door) Hey there – thought you were one of my neighbors telling me to shut up.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, get that a lot?

Sibling 2: Very funny; come on in.

(Sibling 1 enters but stays in the entranceway as Sibling 2 closes the door)

Sibling1: Thanks.  Sorry to drop in like this –

Sibling 2: Not at all; want something to drink?

Sibling 1: No thanks, I’ll make this quick.  (Shoves hands into pants pockets and starts rocking back and forth in muted excitement) Soooo, I know this is last-minute, but I just saw a billboard on the highway this morning saying that ----- is having a surprise concert in town, as in actually here, next Sunday!  Out of nowhere!

Sibling 2: Really, here?  Why?

Sibling 1: Who knows?!  So, if I somehow can get tickets, you wanna go?

Sibling 2: To a concert next Sunday.

Sibling 1: (Nods and starts lightly bouncing in glee) Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Sibling 2: Next Sunday, as in the second Sunday of May.

Sibling 1: (Nods some more) Yep, all day!

Sibling 2: (Crosses arms) Yeah, do you know what happens on the second Sunday of May in most countries in the world?  Including this one?

Sibling 1: (Stops bouncing and twitches jaw in thought) The… Sun also rises?

Sibling 2: (Suddenly uncrosses arms) It’s Mother’s Day, you dope!

Sibling 1: (Gasps and briefly brings hands to face) Ohhhhh nooooo!  That’s this year?!

Sibling 2: It’s every year!

Sibling 1: Oh right.

Sibling 2: And lemme guess: you forgot to make a reservation for brunch like you said you would after Mother’s Day last year.

Sibling 1: That was last year?!  I thought that was two years ago and you were supposed to make the reservation this year!

Sibling 2: (Looking confused) No… no, I did it last year…?  (Looks off into the distance of memory)

Sibling 1: (Looks off into the same distance) Or were Mom and Dad on that cruise last year and it was actually three… no, four…?

Sibling 2: Five…?

(They suddenly look at each other in horror)

Sibling 1 and Sibling 2: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH – !

FIVE MINUTES LATER

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 are sitting on the living room couch next to piles of folded laundry, each holding a glass of water and staring at nothing)

Sibling 2: Well, now that that existential crisis has been put on hold for the moment: what are we going to do about Mother’s Day?

Sibling 1: I guess I can try making a reservation… somewhere, but I think everywhere around here’s been booked for that day since last Thanksgiving.

Sibling 2: Maybe we can try, I dunno, making something instead?

Sibling 1: What, you mean, cooking something?

Sibling 2: Yeah.

Sibling 1: You?!

Sibling 2: Hey!

Sibling 1: Sorry, I mean: Me?!

Sibling 2: Eh, you’re right: we’re both hopeless in that department.  You’re every food delivery service’s best customer, and my gourmet limit is pasta, and maybe brownies if I’m paying attention.

Sibling 1: I always like your brownies.

Sibling 2: Thanks.

Sibling 1: At least you have some variety – best I can do is whip up a sandwich.  (Turns to Sibling 2) Hey, you think she’d like one of those?

Sibling 2: (Stares back in mild disbelief) I think we can do a tad better than that.

Sibling 1: Maybe, but you know Mom, she’ll be happy with whatever we get her, right?  And actually mean it, `cause it’s about the company and not the gift, right?!  Right??!!

Sibling 2: I know, but deep down, she’d be ever so slightly disappointed, not in the gift itself but in its representation of how we turned out in life, and she’d wonder “Where did I go wrong?”

Sibling 1: I often wonder that myself.

Sibling 2: (Stands decisively) OK, I’ve got it: pasta for dinner, brownies for dessert with bakery cookies as back-up in case I burn them, and you – (Points to Sibling 1) get some nice flowers that she can plant in the backyard garden.  Sound good?

Sibling 1: (Also stands) Sounds great!  Cheers!  (They tap glasses and start drinking, then stop with disgusted looks on their faces)

Sibling 2: (Spits water back into the glass) Yeah, I forgot they’re flushing the lines around here again.

Sibling 1: (Also spits the water back into the glass and hands that over to Sibling 2) Still tastes better than when they do it by me.

SUNDAY, MAY 11 – MOTHER’S DAY

(At Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s parents’ house, all four are seated around the dining room table)

Mom: (Finishing pasta with a bright smile) Well, I have to say, this is probably the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever had.

Sibling 1: Aw, Ma, you say that every year!

Mom: And I mean it every year!

Dad: Heh-heh, except for that one year we all got food poisoning `cause I’d picked up bad lettuce for the salad; remember that one?

Mom: (Eyes blazing) WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT YEAR!  (Dad freezes; Mom resets and smiles again) Now, I know we just finished dinner, but I’m really looking forward to what you brought for dessert!

Sibling 2: Thanks!  We can have that after we all clean up in here, if you want to plant those flowers out back now.

Mom: Oh no, honey, they need to stay in the vase.  (Points to a vase of flowers in the center of the table)

Sibling 2: (Through clenched teeth at Sibling 1) But they were supposed to be ones that could be planted outside.

Sibling 1: (Slurping up spaghetti remnants) Huh?

Mom: Well, these actually are indoor plants, and they go very nicely with the dining room color scheme.

Sibling 2: (Still at Sibling 1) Again, you had one job to do!  Can’t you tell the difference between outdoor plants and indoor ones?!

Sibling 1: Can you?!

Sibling 2: That’s not the point!

Sibling 1: Hey, you’re lucky I was even able to get these – I went to about 10 places before I found one that actually sold flowers!

Sibling 2: They’re in every supermarket around here, and you couldn’t go five feet this week without falling over a pop-up garden stand!  How have you survived in life this long?!

Sibling 1: Judgey hypocrite!

Sibling 2: Helpless twit!

(They partially stand to lunge across the table and start shoving each other by the shoulders, yelling incomprehensibly)

Dad: (Buttering up a roll and addressing Mom under Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s arms as the battle rages) You know, it’s always nice when we get together as a family, isn’t it?

Mom: (Sipping wine as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 drag each other to the living room to wrestle on the floor) Yes, but sometimes I wonder: where did I go wrong?