Story 638: What Can I Give for Father’s Day?

 WEDNESDAY 

“Hi kiddo, what’s up?”

“Hey Dad, just calling to ask what can I give for Father’s Day this Sunday?”

“Oh, gee, thanks, but Father’s Day’s actually the following Sunday.”

“…Dangit!” <CLICK>

“Hello?... This kid, I’m telling you….” 

THE FOLLOWING WEDNESDAY 

“Hi kiddo, what’s up?”

“OK, for real this time: what can I give you for Father’s Day this Sunday?”

“Heh-heh, right, yeah – you don’t have to give me anything: your existence alone is present enough for me.”

“Oh come on!”

“You know, your mother and I try to give you an easier life than we had, and yet you insist on undermining that at every opportunity.”

“I can’t just not give you something on Father’s Day!  It’s up there with birthdays – gifts are obligatory, or else you might as well quit the entire family!”

“What?”

“Please, just tell me you want something that you’d never get for yourself: concert tickets – a motorcycle – a football team?!”

“<Sigh> Fine, you can get me… socks.”

“….”

“….”

“Socks.”

“Yeah, the ones I have are getting worn out and I need new ones for pickleball.  The white athletic kind, you know, that I can wear with my sneakers and pull up over my calves.”

“….”

“….”

“You’re making fun of me, aren’t you.”

“You can be a bit dramatic, but new socks really are what I would like.”

“Very well, Father: if socks are what you want, then socks are what you shall get.”

“Why does that sound like a threat?” 

SUNDAY 

“Happy Father’s Day!”

“Hiiii… What’s… all… this?”

“Socks!  Just like you wanted!”

“But you’re trucking in so many bags here – how many pairs did you get?!”

“A year’s supply, so now none of them will have a chance to wear out!”

“Oh my… thank you?”

“Certainly!  Nothing’s too good for MY FATHER ON FATHER’S DAY!”

“Just one more thing.”

“Anything!”

“Put all of them away somewhere before your mother sees them.”

Story 594: Better Not Forget About Father’s Day

(In a townhouse, Sibling 2 is stretched out on the living couch checking e-mails on a cell phone, then suddenly stops and stares into space, brow furrowed)

Sibling 2: Hmmmm…. (Gnaws lip for a few moments, then selects a contact on the phone and places a call)

Sibling 1: (Jolts awake in an apartment bedroom, flails around for a cell phone on the bedside lamp table, and answers with a massive yawn) Yellllllooooohhhh?

Sibling 2: …Did I wake you up?

Sibling 1: Nooooo – (Yawns again and rubs eyes) `course not; I’m wide asleep.  Awake!

Sibling 2: It’s 11:30 in the morning!

Sibling 1: And it’s also Sunday: don’t judge my weekend sleep cycle.

Sibling 2: I’m not; I’m judging your overall laziness.

Sibling 1: (Rolls onto back with an exasperated sigh) Whatever – why are you calling me at this unreasonable hour anyway?

Sibling 2: Oh, well, it’s just… you ever feel like you’ve forgotten something important?

Sibling 1: Every second of the day.  At last: you understand me.

Sibling 2: Something I could’ve lived without.

Sibling 1: Rude.  So, what do you think you forgot?

Sibling 2: Well if I knew that, then I’d’ve remembered it and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Sibling 1: Rude again.  Just trying to help since, after all, you called me!

Sibling 2: Sorry.  Anyway, it started bothering me, and I think it involves you, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is!

Sibling 1: (Stretches with another yawn) I dunno, maybe you owe me money?

Sibling 2: Ha!

Sibling 1: Fair enough.  Maybe I owe you money?

Sibling 2: No, I would’ve gotten it out of you right away.

Sibling 1: True.  All right: what were you doing that triggered the memory of the forget?

Sibling 2: I was checking my e-mail – nothing stood out, but I got a nudgy feeling at the back of my brain all of a sudden and I don’t know why.

Sibling 1: (Eyes closed while starting to doze off again) Well, it was probably something you read; just retrace your virtual steps and I’m sure it’ll all come back to you….

Sibling 2: Huh.  That’s actually a good idea.

Sibling 1: Yes, I do have those every so often….

Sibling 2: OK, I’ll put you on speaker while I bring up my e-mail again.  (Starts pressing buttons on the phone)

Sibling 1: You… bet…. (Starts snoring softly)

Sibling 2 (On speaker, scrolling through e-mails) Right, we’ve got water bill, Internet bill, electricity bill, that one’s already paid but due today, June 15, and OH MY GOSH I COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT TODAY IS FATHER’S DAY!!!

Sibling 1: (Leaps out of bed and is fully dressed in the space of five seconds) OH NO IT IS FATHER’S DAY HOW COULD YOU FORGET???!!!

Sibling 2: (Running in circles in the living room) HOW COULD I FORGET???!!!  HOW COULD YOU FORGET???!!!  WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING???!!!

Sibling 1: (Running through the apartment aimlessly) BECAUSE IT’S THE RULES!  HOW COULD YOU REMEMBER MOTHER’S DAY AND NOT FATHER’S DAY???!!!

Sibling 2:  I DON’T KNOW, WHY IS ONE ON A SECOND SUNDAY AND THE OTHER ON A THIRD SUNDAY???!!!

Sibling 1: I DON’T KNOW, WHY IS THE SKY BLUE???!!!                  

Sibling 2: THAT’S A FALSE EQUIVALENCY!  THAT HAS TO DO WITH PHYSICS; THIS IS A HUMAN-MADE CULTURAL EVENT THAT HAS NO MEANING OUTSIDE OF ITSELF!  WHAT’RE WE GONNA DOOOOOOO???!!!

Sibling 1: I GOT IT!  ASK DAD FOR ADVICE!

Sibling 2: HE’S THE ONE WE’RE INSULTING WITH OUR NEGLECT AS WE SPEAK!

Sibling 1: ALL RIGHT, THEN I’VE GOT NOTHIN’!

Sibling 2: YOU – (Suddenly stops running and abruptly sits back down on the couch) OK, this is what’s going to happen: you go to the supermarket and grab the first “Father’s Day From Both” card you find and the biggest chocolate cake you find; I’ll get generic and sweet shop gift cards; we’ll meet up at the parents’ house at 1:00, throw ourselves onto the mercy of the court, and hope they’re in the middle of barbecuing dinner by the time we get there, got it?

Sibling 1: (Had stopped running when reaching the inside of the hall closet) Got it!

Sibling 2: Great!

Sibling 1: Just one thing.

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: When you say “1:00”, is that a hard “1:00” or is there a two-hour leeway that – (Call is disconnected) Hello?

1:00 P.M. 

(Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s cars screech onto the parents’ driveway after each other; each falls out of their respective driver side doors carrying their respective gifts, run to the front entrance of the house, and crash into the closed door)

Sibling 1: (Tosses the cake and card into Sibling 2’s arms and begins pounding on the door with both fists) Hello-hello-hello-hello-hello- !

Sibling 2: They never lock it when they know we’re coming over – something’s wrong

Sibling 1: (Stops pounding) Oh no, this is the nightmare scenario every caring middle-aged child faces!  And on a major holiday, no less!  How inconvenient!

Sibling 2: What?  Here.  (Tosses the cake and card back to Sibling 1, reaches into a pocket with the hand not holding the gift cards, pulls out a ring of keys, flips through them frantically, and unlocks the front door; both rush into the house)

Sibling 1: (Running back-and-forth between the kitchen and the living room, still carrying the cake and card) MOM??!!  DAD???!!!  ARE YOU ALIVE????!!!!  ANSWER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Sibling 2: (Sighs while slowing down to a stop in the kitchen) I can see now you’ll be absolutely useless in an actual crisis.

Sibling 1: (Also stops and turns to face Sibling 2) Oh good, that means you’d take care of everything, right?

Sibling 2: Apparently.  (Spots a note on the counter) Hold on.  (Both walk over to the counter; Sibling 2 picks up the note and reads aloud) “Hey Kids, we know you’ve both had a lot going on lately so your Mom and I figured rather than bringing up Father’s Day and putting you on the spot, we went to Hawai‘i instead.  We’ll be back on Friday, so since you’re reading this note please tell the next-door neighbor that you’ll now be feeding the cats while we’re gone.  We’ll show you a bunch of photos and videos when we get back!  Love, Your #1 Dad”

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of silence) So does that mean, he’s cool about the whole thing, or he’s not and we’re in deep trouble?

Sibling 2: You’d think we’d be able to tell after knowing someone for literally our entire lives.  Probably best to anticipate the latter and also clean the house while we’re feeding the cats, and hope for the former by the time the folks get back.  (Leans down to scratch the ears of two cats who suddenly appeared, knowing they were being discussed)

Sibling 1: Good thinking.  (Holds up the container) Should we go ahead and eat the cake, then?

Sibling 2: …Be a shame to waste it.

Story 543: Trying to Call Out From Work on Father’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, you’re never gonna believe this –

Manager: I bet I won’t.

Employee: –  but I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Father’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: I thought last time you said Mother’s Day was the second biggest sales day?

Manager: Turns out I was mistaken.  I’m big enough to admit I’m wrong when I’m caught.

Employee: Good on you.  Anyways, just letting you know, I’m taking today off.

Manager: No you’re not: you’re scheduled on alternating hours covering the front register and customer service desk to handle all the last-minute panicking guilt-ridden adult children.

Employee: I thought you might say that, so I counter that offer with my willingness to work on Labor Day instead, even though its very existence implies that I shouldn’t have to by law.

Manager: It’s not an offer; it’s the non-negotiable schedule that’s been up for weeks – don’t tell me you forgot to request off super-early again like you did for Mother’s Day?

Employee: …OK, I won’t tell you.

Manager: You’re a real piece of work.  And no one else can switch with you for today, is that it?

Employee: Would you believe me if I told you I forgot to ask anyone until this morning?

Manager: Yes.

Employee: Well, there’s your answer.

Manager: Then I’m not too sorry to say there’ll be no last-minute saves with shift-switching today like we were able to pull off last time, so you’re stuck working most of the afternoon and all night.  I pity your dad, you know: there’s no way you’re calling out today unless you send over a doctor’s note that you’re violently ill within the next 20 minutes.

Employee: A doctor’s note, eh?  <COUGH-COUGH>

Manager: And don’t think I won’t be able to tell if it’s something you just whipped up on your home computer.

Employee: Oh.  I retract those coughs, then.

Manager: So you’re still coming in today, yes?

Employee: (Sighs) Unfortunately, although it pains my very soul to do so, yes I’m still coming in today.  I just will have to tearfully explain to my beloved father that his beloved child has been forced by a cruel manager and the unfeeling forces of capitalism to spend precious hours serving idle consumerists instead of showing my appreciation of him being the World’s #1 Dad, that’s all.

Manager: Wonderful.  I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but if it’s any consolation he can commiserate with my father on what awful children they have.

Employee: How so?

Manager: I lost track of the Sundays in June and wound up scheduling myself today, too.

Story 496: Taking a Toll

(In the middle of parkway traffic)

Friend 1: (Crawling along with the rest of the cars and singing along with the wrong lyrics on the radio) <You thrill up my clean-ses/Go thrill me agaaaaain!/Moo-moo-moo-moo-moo-mooooo-mooooo – > (Is interrupted by the cell phone ringing; turns off the radio and answers the call on speaker) Yellll-oh?

Friend 2: (Calling from a living room, surrounded by relatives and appetizers) Hey, just checking – did you make it to your parents’ house all right for Father’s Day?

Friend 1: (Brightly) I did not, so I’m heading there as we speak!

Friend 2: What?  Why didn’t you go there last night like you said you were?  If you’re on the parkway now, you’re going to get there in time to turn around and go home!

Friend 1: Well… life interfered and determined that I leave today instead of yesterday, so I yielded to the whims of fate.

Friend 2: You forgot you were supposed to leave last night instead of this afternoon.

Friend 1: …Yes.  I assume you did not.  Forget, I mean.

Friend 2: Are you kidding?  Whenever there’s a Sunday holiday I always get to my parents’ house by Thursday the latest.  Does a number on my days off from work, but well worth it.

Friend 1: (As the road begins to curve) Ah, hold that thought: toll booth coming up, and I never start out in the right lane since they always literally throw in a curve!

Friend 2: So, you finally break down and get Quick Ticket yet?

Friend 1: Why? This is one of the few times of the year I’m on the parkway; why should yet another company have my credit card on file, especially for something I rarely use?  Who do they think they are, The Gym?!

Friend 2: I think toll rates were raised again so you’d better have enough change, then.

Friend 1: Nonsense: I’m not the only old-school driver out here who’ll have larger bills needing breaking – gotta support the few toll attendants left, am-I-right?

Friend 2: It’s just that the amounts are a bit different now –

Friend 1: (Pulls up to a cash toll booth) Noted!  (To Toll Attendant 1) Greetings, fellow worker; this should justify your position to those out-of-touch corporate honchos for another day.  (Holds out a $20 bill)

Toll Attendant 1: (Softly sighs) That’s the 80^th 20 I’ve gotten today – do you happen to have exact change, or at least the coins, please?

Friend 1: Huh?  (Toll Attendant 1 points to a sign listing the toll amount) Three dollars AND 15 CENTS?!

Toll Attendant 1: I curse the day that amount was assigned to this plaza.

Friend 1: So do I!  (Rummages through wallet) How in the blazes did they decide on 15 CENTS?!

Toll Attendant 1: I suppose I should be thankful that the total ends in a five instead of any number other than zero – but I’m not.

Friend 1: I’ll say.  (Horns from the cars in line start blaring as Friend 1 hands over two $1 bills, several quarters, and a dime)

Toll Attendant 1: (Counts through the spread) Still need a nickel, please.               

Friend 1: Oh, sorry, thought it worked out with the quarters.  (Counts out five pennies and starts handing them over) Good thing you all still take pennies – whoops!  (Drops three pennies onto the road in mid-transfer)

Toll Attendant 1: Oy.

Friend 1: (Unbuckles seatbelt, opens the car door, and starts picking up the coins; as the car horns blare louder and longer, Friend 1 hands over the pennies and turns to face the honking cars) BABIES!

Toll Attendant 1: (Enters change into the register) Thank you – have a nice day, what’s left of it.

Friend 1: (Re-enters the car and rebuckles the belt) You as well; I don’t know how you stand it.

Toll Attendant 1: I don’t either.

(Friend 1 advances 30 feet before having to slow down to 4 mph again)

Friend 2: (Having moved on to the den, still a voice from the phone on the passenger seat) So, that sounded exciting.

Friend 1: (Jumps slightly in seat) Jumpin’ jacks, I forgot you were there.

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s very entertaining from this end.  Still convinced not to get Quick Ticket?

Friend 1: Yes – this was a one-time incident never to be repeated, either to myself or to anyone else in the vicinity.

Friend 2: Don’t you usually have at least two tolls and also one on the exit?

Friend 1: Maybeeee….

Friend 2: Plus the ones on the way back?

Friend 1: Just one toll on the way back.  And the parkway entrance.

Friend 2: Want me to stay on the line for moral support?

Friend 1: Please.  (At toll #2, Friend 1 inches forward to a stop and then holds out a $20 bill to Toll Attendant 2) Greetings, fellow –

Toll Attendant 2: Toll changed to $2.72.

Friend 1: (Mouth drops open) What happened to nice round numbers?

Toll Attendant 2: That was the north toll plaza.  You’re in the central toll plaza now.

Friend 1: I get it…. (Rummages through wallet) I seem to no longer have pennies.  Or quarters.  Or dimes.  Or nickels.  Or –

Toll Attendant 2: You have $3?

Friend 1: (Rummages through wallet, then looks up) No.

Toll Attendant 2: (As horns from the cars in line start blaring) $5?

Friend 1: (Rummages some more) I have $10.

Toll Attendant 2: Sold.  (Friend 1 hands over the bill and Toll Attendant 2 hands back the difference) Congratulations – you received the last of my change.  The next car is gonna hate you.

Friend 1: Don’t you get your register replenished or emptied out or turned over or something?

Toll Attendant 2: Hey, we’re lucky we get a paycheck.

Friend 1: Well, thanks anyway; have a great day!  (Slowly pulls away while giving a thumbs-up to the honking driver behind)

Toll Attendant 2: You too – I certainly won’t.

(Friend 1 begins crawling on the parkway again)

Friend 2: (Now sitting in an outdoor patio) Next toll booth’ll probably be exact change, since it’s an exit and those refuse to be staffed just to spite everyone.

Friend 1: (Gripping the steering wheel) I know….

(Forty-five minutes later, Friend 1 exits the parkway and approaches the toll booths)

Friend 1: I’m telling you, Dad owes me for the ordeal I’m undertaking on his behalf!

Friend 2: Don’t you owe him literally your entire existence?

Friend 1: That goes without saying.  (Peers up ahead) Well, whaddya know!  There’s actually an attendant here.

Friend 2: Really? That’s odd; usually those booths are just 50-or-75¢.

Friend 1: Who cares: someone’s getting my $20 today.  (Pulls up to the booth and holds out a $20 bill) Greet –

Toll Attendant 3: Toll’s now one dollar and a ha’penny.

Friend 1: …Excuse me a moment.  (Turns back to the passenger seat and picks up the phone) I’m hanging up now so your eardrums are spared the screams of my anguish.

Friend 2: Sure – when you’re done there, wish your dad “Happy Father’s Day” for me, yeah?

Friend 1: Likewise – at least some of us’ll be having a good day.