Story 510: And the Rains Came

“I love autumn!”

“You do?”

“Oh yes: the colorful leaves, the crisp cool weather, the mums and pumpkins all out on cheerful display – ”

“HA!”

“…I fail to perceive the cause for that outburst.”

“Where have you been the past 20 years?!  We don’t get autumn anymore!”

“We don’t?”

“No!  We get Summer 2.0 and then the Rainy Season, often interchangeably, up to and including winter.”

“But we still get all the stuff I mentioned.”

“Barely!  The leaves don’t noticeably change until November; the weather skips crisp-cool and instead does blazing-freezing; we’re lucky the mums make it to September and the actual start of autumn before they burn up; and the pumpkins are regularly imported due to the rot from the constant rain, rain, rain!”

“Rain’s not all that bad; it’s not as if we have to deal with monsoons every year like some places.”

“You’re right, it isn’t all that bad: the times when it stops once a week and you don’t have to swim to get out of the house, it’s just fine!”

“Well, we’re lucky our area didn’t get hit with the hurricanes this year.”

“That we are; not so lucky are all the other places that did get hit, multiple times.”

“What about the areas suffering from drought and wildfires?”

“All the more reason that it’s so awful we get excess when those places are the ones that need at least their share!”

“I guess.  Still, I like all the decorations that are out for Halloween and autumn in general, those are always fun.”

“When they’re not being swept away down the rising river that used to be the street, sure.”

“All right, so the autumn I’m visualizing is more of the autumn we used to get before the Earth started taking revenge on us; I’ll still enjoy what’s out there, in-between the raindrops.”

“That’s a great attitude, considering the heavens just opened up again for Round 300 and last I heard this downpour won’t end until later in the month at the earliest.”

“Well, it could always be worse.”

“How so?”

“Could be snow.”

Story 509: Off-Season Day at the Beach

(At a sparsely-populated beach on an extremely overcast day, Friend 1 trundles along a cart of supplies to a spot just above the continental shelf, then sets up a chair, towels, and large umbrella in ever-strengthening wind before stretching out on the chair with a book and a sigh)

Friend 1: So peaceful…. (Phone rings; Friend 1 digs through a huge bag of stuff to answer it) Mm-hello?

Friend 2: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to start pouring rain there in less than an hour, right?

Friend 1: (Dons a pair of sunglasses) I choose to spend the last day of summer wringing every ounce of joy out of the primary place I associate with the season, yes.

Friend 2: Fall started around 3 a.m. this morning – last day of summer was yesterday.

Friend 1: Oh.  I thought it was sunset today?

Friend 2: Nope.

Friend 1: Drat.  Well, I had to work yesterday so I wouldn’t’ve been able to come here anyway.  This will be the last observed day of summer, then.

Friend 2: Suit yourself – don’t go swimming since there’re no lifeguards, and even if you just dip your toes in, watch out for the riptides.

Friend 1: Know what?  You’re really harshing my mellow, good-bye.  (Moves to end the call)

Friend 2: And still put on sunscreen – (Call is disconnected)

Friend 1: (Dumps the phone into the bag and ratchets the chair back another notch) Now, where were we…?  (Begins to doze off)

(Surfers drift over through the waves in Friend 1’s view, hovering in that area and continuously getting wiped out)

Surfers: Again!

(A lone lifeguard patrols the beach, blowing the whistle at everyone knee-deep and higher in the water)

Lifeguard: (Several feet away from Friend 1, tweets long and loud and points at a swimmer who is several waves away from the shore) YOU!  OUT!

Swimmer: (Paddles over) But I thought the swimmer on the flags meant we could swim here!

Lifeguard: There’s a line right through it!  And it’s red!  And summer’s over!  And there are no lifeguard stations spaced at regular intervals anywhere!  Or lifeguards!  Is this your first day ever on a beach?!

Swimmer: (Finally out of the water) If there are no lifeguards, who are you, then?

Lifeguard: The remnant left to scoop up twits like you!  (Sees the surfers and blows the whistle at them) ALL OF YOU!  SKEDADDLE!  AND RIGHT BY THE ROCKS, NO LESS!  EVERYONE HERE WANTS TO BE LOST AT SEA, I JUST KNOW IT!

Surfers: Chill, fellow beach lover!

(The shouting match drifts inland as the surfers follow the lifeguard away from the water; in the now-empty space, four terns land by Friend 1)

Friend 1: No food – shoo.

Tern 1: (Cackles wildly) <We can smellllll itttttt….>

Tern 2: (Hops closer to Friend 1’s huge bag) <Let me at it – Let me at it – >

(A huge seagull then lands heavily right where Tern 1 is standing, bumping the latter off to the side)

Seagull: <Outta my way, pipsqueak; I want that spot.>

Tern 1: <Oh come on, you have literally the entire beach to stand on!>

Seagull: <Yeah, and I wanna stand here.  Whatcha gonna do about it, huh, wee one?>

Tern 1: <Well, as you may not have noticed, right now there is only one of you, and about 15 and counting of us.>

Seagull: (Side-eyes the growing number of terns landing in a surrounding circle) < …Spot just got boring.>  (Flies off as terns give a battle cry and fly in pursuit)

Friend 1: (Takes out a sandwich) Final–

(A human couple who had been strolling hand-in-hand along the water stop in front of Friend 1’s view; one turns to the other, drops to one knee, and holds up an open ring box while the other immediately bursts into tears)

Proposer: Love of my life, will you –

Friend 1: (In mid-chew) No!  None of that mush right in my sightline of the ocean!  Move along 50 feet to one side or the other, as long as it’s out of my radius!

Proposee: But we need a witness to our magical moment!

Friend 1: (Points to the water) There’s a dolphin over there who I’m sure is more than happy to oblige!

(The two briskly trot to another spot 50 feet away and resume their previous positions)

Proposer: Love of my life, will you –

Proposee: Yes-yes-just-give-me-the-ring-and-you!

Friend 1: (Resumes eating) If I’d wanted a rom-com, I’d’ve brought a TV with me.

(A beachgoer with a metal detector crosses in front of Friend 1, stops suddenly when the detector starts making a lot of noise, throws it aside, and begins shoveling wildly)

Beachgoer: This is it!  I just know it!

Friend 1: No it isn’t!  Decamp!

Beachgoer: (Still shoveling, now in a large hole) But the mother lode is right here!  The detector never lies!

Lifeguard: (Runs over, blowing the whistle shrilly) Hey!  There’s no digging on the beach unless you’re making an impermanent sand castle!

Beachgoer: (Now only head and shoulders above the sand, still shoveling) This isn’t digging, it’s excavating!

Lifeguard: That’s even worse!

Beach Patrol Officer: (Appeared on the scene in the meantime; to Beachgoer) Stop what you’re doing and get out of there now.

Beachgoer: (Strikes something hard at the bottom of the hole) Ooh, I’ve reached buried treasure at last!  (Raises a metal box aloft just in time for Beach Patrol Officer to slap on a pair of handcuffs, then hoist Beachgoer out of the hole with Lifeguard’s assistance)

Lifeguard: (Releases Beachgoer, then stares down at the massive hole) I hope this is an easy fix – I’d hate to see the beach preservation society members start crying again.

Beachgoer: (Still holding onto the box and trying not to be moved along by Beach Patrol Officer) Wait, I have to know what’s inside!

Beach Patrol Officer: Stolen property, that’s what.

(The two begin a tug-of-war over the box until the terns return very noisily to dive-bomb it)

Terns: <Food!  Food!  Food!  Food!>

Seagull: (Swoops in to knock away a few terns) <Gimme!>

Beachgoer: (Still holding onto the box as Beach Patrol Officer and Lifeguard try to shoo away the birds) Thieves!  Finders keepers, that’s the rule!

Friend 1: (Stares through everyone to the ocean beyond as the battle rages on with sand being kicked all around and wings and legs and arms flying all over the place while the human yelling and the bird screaming increase in pitch ever higher as the pouring rain begins) So…peaceful….

Story 460: Extending Summer Forever

(On a park trail)

Friend 1: I’m mad.

Friend 2: Oh dear, what now?

Friend 1: Whaddya mean, “What now?”  I don’t complain a lot.

Friend 2: Ha!

Friend 1: OK, you got me – I complain all the time.

Friend 2: That you do.  So: what now?

Friend 1: (Sighs and gestures at the beauty of nature around them) This.  (Gestures at the two of them) I mean, look at us!

Friend 2: (Looks down without breaking stride) Has something happened that I’m not aware of?

Friend 1: Apparently – we’re wearing long sleeves and long pants, and I can’t stand it!

Friend 2: …Whyyyyy???

Friend 1: Because only two weeks ago we were wearing short sleeves and short pants!  And complaining how hot it was and that we were out here melting!

Friend 2: You certainly were.

Friend 1: That’s beside the point: just because our made-up calendar no longer states “August,” Nature gets it into her head to flip a switch and shut down production!

Friend 2: Other way around, you know: the calendar was made up to reflect the flipping switches of Nature.

Friend 1: Still – two weeks!  And we suddenly have to bundle up in our woolies and watch in helpless horror as all these glorious leaves wither up in beautiful colors and collectively leap to their demise!

Friend 2: (Looks around) Been taking longer and longer to do that each year lately, you notice that?

Friend 1: That’s an unrelated catastrophe; my rant involves the fact that it took forever for us to get to summer, and now, oh well, inexorable march of time marches on, here’s fall all y’all, like it or lump it, and I’m sick of lumping it!

Friend 2: You could always just like it.

Friend 1: Bah!

Friend 2: OK.

Friend 1: I still want to go to the beach!  I still want to have ice cream!  I still want the thrill of the boardwalk!

Friend 2: You still can, you know – those things are around all year long.

Friend 1: Yeah, but not with lifeguards!  Or college-kid-staffed parlors!  Or fireworks!  Or super-long-lines everywhere!

Friend 2: You’re right: some of those’re better this time of year.

Friend 1: You’re no help at all.  It’s also getting too night out too early now.

Friend 2: That, I agree with: I miss sunset being around 9:00 in the evening; now it’s just getting gloomy.

Friend 1: Exactly!  And soon enough, sunset’ll be at 4:30!

Friend 2: Well, by then it’ll be winter so we’ll be hibernating anyway.

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about winter!  I’m not done slandering autumn yet!

Friend 2: Then by all means, continue.

Friend 1: I’ll switch gears instead: summer means the smell of chlorine, and swimming in tidal waves under teenage supervision, and outdoor concerts, and outdoor dining, and staying up all night long without thought of any consequences, and parties with your friends, and vacation all day long even if you’re not going anywhere, and carefree biking through the neighborhood streets, and living just for the endless day, and, and….

Friend 2: And feeling like a kid again?

Friend 1: (Slows to a stop; Friend 2 does likewise) Is that what this is?

Friend 2: A bit, at least for you – sounds like it’s the one season you can time travel back to when you were happier.

Friend 1: I’m happy now!

Friend 2: I said “happier.”

Friend 1: Oh.  I guess.  Point is, I want it to be summer forever.

Friend 2: (Starts walking again, followed by Friend 1) Well, it can’t: the planet has to continue tilting on its axis back and forth as it orbits the Sun; flora and fauna have evolved to match the seasonal changes throughout the world; and you’ll feel better about everything if you just accept that instead of mentally fighting it all the time.

Friend 1: I guess.  Unless….

Friend 2: What could possibly follow that?

Friend 1: Unless I figure out a way to stop the Earth tilting on its axis and straighten out its elliptical orbit so it’s optimal summer for our part of the world all year, every year, forever and ever, and –

Friend 2: And that’s a supervillain origin story if I ever heard one, you realize that?

Friend 1: Only if I fail!

Friend 2: You can be really bonkers sometimes, I have to say.

Friend 1: (Hastily brushes off several fallen leaves) Maybe, but it’s all in good fun.