Story 634: Work Is a Distraction for a Workout

             (At a gym, Client enters in a hurry and still dressed in business casual)

Trainer: (Trots over from lounging against the front desk) Hi there!  Thanks so much for coming back.

Client: (Rushed) Yeah, listen, I only came in because I wanted to tell you in-person instead of leaving a phone message: sorry to gym-break-up with you like this, but it’s not you, it’s me.

Trainer: I know.

Client: No, I mean – what, you do?

Trainer: Totally: we never take anything personally in this line of work.  Success or failure is entirely up to you.  (Points to Client in emphasis)

Client: Oh.  OK, then you know that I’m leaving the gym because I just can’t get through the workouts and I’ve hit the wall and peaked long ago and will never get any better than I was at the beginning, right?

Trainer: Yes.

Client: Oh.  Guess we agree on my complete and utter inadequacy, then.  (Turns to leave, stifling a sob)

Trainer: Not so fast!  (Gently turns Client back around and steers the latter through the main training area, past others working with all sorts of equipment) Usually I’d let a client with your views go on your merry little way and focus on the ones here who are actually serious about their commitment to health BUT – (As Client opens mouth to object) I know that you’re a special case.

Client: (Borderline sarcastic) Oh, really?

Trainer: Of course!  And in the spirit of Memorial Day Weekend AND Military Appreciation Month, I’m not going to give up when I know you still have the potential to be all that you can be!

Client: I don’t know – (Briefly holds up a not-very-toned arm) I doubt I could serve our country with this.

Trainer: Not with that attitude!  At any rate: I observe all my clients closely, and you, my friend – (Points at Client again in emphasis) have a head problem.

Client: As in…?

Trainer: You’re stuck in it.  Most people here like having something else to focus on that isn’t work, or family, or their work family, or their lack of real friends, or what-have-you, so having to do a hundred reps of bicep curls or flipping ginormous tires or lunging until their legs turn to jelly tends to block out all that other stuff for a blissful hour or two.  You – (Pokes Client on the shoulder)

Client: Ow.

Trainer: – sorry – have the opposite situation going on.  You’re too focused on the bicep curling and the tire flipping and the leg lunging that you can’t relax.

Client: (Looks around the gym at everyone else lifting, running, squatting, lunging, pulling, and pushing) “Relax”?!

Trainer: Let me put it another way: you’re too focused on how not well you’re doing in the workouts that all you can see is the failure and not the progress.  So, I took the liberty of calling in an… assistant trainer, if you will.

(They stop at an exercise bench where someone else has been waiting)

Assistant: (Waves at Client) Hi!  Nice to see you!

Client: (Blinks at Assistant, then turns to Trainer) Are you telling me that you hired the VP’s administrative assistant from where I work to be a trainer here?!

Trainer: I sure did!  Am.

Client: (To Assistant) So you work here now, too?

Assistant: Sort of: they hired me as a per diem contractor.

Client: For what?

Assistant: To motivate you during workouts!

Client: What?!

Trainer: I know, isn’t it brilliant?  I wonder why no one’s thought of it before?

Client: No, I don’t think either one of you is getting it: I’m listening to all the “Keep going!”s and the “You got this!”s and the “Just 50 more!”s and the “You’re getting stronger with every rep!”s, but at this point they’re only underlining how not well I’m doing, at all.

Trainer: So – (Gestures to Assistant) we hired the Admin here to provide a different kind of motivation: work.

Client: Huh?

Assistant: I’m supposed to keep you distracted with all the projects and deadlines you have waiting for you back at the office, so that way you won’t even notice you’ve gotten through the session until it’s over!

Trainer: Brilliant, I say!

Client: That – I – I don’t know….

Trainer: C’mon, what do you have to lose by trying?

Client: Another month’s membership fee.

Trainer: Not to worry on that end; since this was my idea, you’re not being charged for this session if it doesn’t work.

Client: What, it’ll come out of your paycheck or something?

Trainer: Pretty much, yeah.

Client: Well, now I’ll feel guilty if I still don’t want to come back after today –

Assistant: Do it or I’ll tell the VP you’re an indecisive slacker right before your annual performance review!

(Client runs to the changing room)

Trainer: Oh, you’re good.

Assistant: Thank you – years of experience.

(At the exercise bench, Client is now in gym clothes and lying down, ready to lift)

Trainer: So, where did we leave off last time?

Client: (Embarrassed) Between 70 and 80 pounds.

Trainer: Good – we’re going for 100 now.  (Adds weights onto the bar and lifts it into Client’s hands)

Client: (Straining to hold up the weight as Trainer spots) Um, I don’t know, I’m probably going to drop the bar on myself –

Assistant: (Leans down next to Client’s head) Speaking of bars, did you finish those graphs for this week’s budget meeting yet?

Client: (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) Uh, not yet – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) still waiting for more data – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up)

Assistant: (Taking notes on a large pad and nodding) Um-hm: how many departments still haven’t gotten back to you?

Client: (Expels a big breath while lifting) Uhhhhhh, I don’t know exactly – (Lowers and lifts) I think a few – (Lowers and lifts) are flat-out ignoring me now – (Lowers and lifts) I’ll have to start calling them – (Lowers and lifts) or showing up at their desks – (Lowers and lifts) it’s really annoying (Lowers and lifts with a grunt)

Trainer: That’s enough.  (Takes the bar and puts it back on the rack) You just beat your personal record there, congrats!   (Wipes down the equipment)

Client: (Slowly sits up while rubbing sore hands) Huh.  I suppose I did.

Trainer: Let’s try the treadmill next, yeah?

Client: (Stands) Maybe leg lifts next instead?

Trainer: Nope!  I want some cardio in there now that you’re all warmed up!

Client: (As all three walk to a treadmill) But my stamina stinks.

Trainer: We’ll see about that!  Up you go!

(Client steps onto the treadmill; Trainer sets it to a 10% incline and 5 mph speed)

Client: That fast?!  And high?!

Trainer: Time to be bold!  (Starts the machine)

Client: (Starts running and is immediately almost of out of breath) I dunno – maybe a little slower –

Assistant: (Slides in front of Trainer, still writing notes) Take me through the presentation you have so far.

Client: Oh – uh – well – our fiscal year’s – pretty good – so far – under budget – in most areas – we’ll need to cut back – on expenses – in – (To Trainer who is watching a timer) Can I – take a – quick break?

Assistant: Cut back on what expenses?  You just said we’re under budget.

Client: Yeah – in some areas – but not others – those are over –

Assistant: Give me a list of what needs to be cut, then.

Client: Well – (Goes on for 10 minutes)

Trainer: (Stops the timer) Aaaaaand, time!  (Stops the treadmill) Well done, you!  I don’t think you’ve ever gone that long before.

Client: (Collapses sweating and gasping over the machine) I – haven’t?

Trainer: Nope!  And it was literally uphill all the way!

Client: (Starts to slump) Ohhhhh….

Trainer: Right: medicine ball time!

(Trainer drags Client to an open area on the floor as Assistant follows; the two then do sit-ups while throwing a medicine ball to each other)

Assistant: (Crouched next to Client and still taking notes while following with each sit-up) Have you called the vendors yet and told them that our invoicing process is changing?

Client: Not yet – (Sits up and throws) Corporate still hasn’t made it “official” so I can’t – (Catches the ball and lies back down) it’ll probably be next week though – (Sits up and throws) I have a mass e-mail ready to send – (Catches the ball and lies back down, and stays down) I don’t think I can get up again.

Assistant: (Glances over at Trainer who mouths “Twenty more”, then addresses Client again) Well, that really should be done this week, since invoices for the month will go out on Tuesday after the holiday.

Client: (Suddenly sits up and throws) Yeah, and no one actually pays on the day they get the invoice – (Catches the ball and lies back down) so they’ll still get the notice before they have to pay – (Sits up and throws) and it’ll be fresher in their minds if I send it next week.  (Catches and lies back down)

Assistant: (As the other two continue faster and faster) But, it’s best practice, not to mention common courtesy, to send the notice before they receive the invoices, because you just know they’re going to get confused if you send it after, and you just know that someone will pay that same day the one time you don’t want them to, and then we’ll all be up the creek when it was a completely avoidable situation –

Client: (Sitting up, lying down, throwing, and catching even faster) All right – all right – I’ll ask – first thing – tomorrow and – get approval – to send it out – by that afternoon – or Friday – the latest – OK?!

Trainer: (Catches a fastball and raises an arm in triumph) Done!

Client: (Collapses back down on the mat) I certainly am.

Trainer: (Stands with Assistant for them both to look down at Client) Well, I think this experiment went exceptionally well, don’t you agree?

Client: (Breathlessly) Oh yeah – I’m certainly not – stressing about – the workouts – anymore –

Trainer: Perfect!  See you at our usual time on Thursday then, yeah?  (Walks away, tossing the medicine ball into the air and whistling in glee)

Assistant: (Down at Client) See you in the office tomorrow, yeah?  (Walks away, taking notes in glee)

Client: (Still on the floor) Great – now I’ll always – be thinking – about work –

Story 570: New Year, New Meh

            (On a park bench on a clear, cold day, Friend 1 sits staring into space)

Friend 2: (Finishes a run, then sits next to Friend 1) So: any reason why you’re not at least attempting to get some exercise today?  I thought one of your New Year’s resolutions was to have healthier habits or something like that.

Friend 1: Oh, it was.

Friend 2: And?

Friend 1: And then I realized: what’s the point?

Friend 2: …Better health?

Friend 1: For what?

Friend 2: …Longer life?

Friend 1: For what?

Friend 2: …Better life?

Friend 1: For what?

Friend 2: Listen, you’re getting on a morbid track here and it’s bumming me out.  Are you feeling all right?

Friend 1: (Finally turns to Friend 2) No, actually: as I stare down the waterslide that is January 2 of a new year, the futility of human endeavors has hit me like a figurative and literal sledgehammer, and I have lost the drive to exercise.  Or move in general.

Friend 2: With anyone else, I’d say you sound like you may have clinical depression and should speak with a mental health professional about how you’re feeling – however, since this is you, I know you’re just being overly dramatic and need to knock it off.

Friend 1: You’re right, but for some reason it’s taking a bit longer than usual to blow over, so bear with me.

Friend 2: (Stands abruptly) Nope!  This is a beautiful day, the start of a new year, where you have so many blessings in your life and whatever you wish was different is in your power to change, and I refuse to waste another second of my precious time on Earth listening to your faux pontifications on how meaningless it all is when I know they’re only symptoms of your self-inflicted boredom.  (Takes a candy bar out of a coat pocket and tosses it to Friend 1) Here – (Friend 1 catches the bar) have some chocolate: it seems to be your go-to for everything else, so it should help out now; I’m out.  (Resumes running)

Friend 1: (Stares at the candy bar for a few moments, slowly unwraps it, takes a bite, and chews thoughtfully while looking out at the ducks paddling around in a nearby pond, the bare trees swaying gently in the wind, the other human parkgoers walking, playing, or relaxing, and the grass hibernating) Worth it.

Story 550: I Didn’t Ask for Your Life Story

            “Oh my goodness, hi!”

“Oh!  Hey there.”

“It’s been so long since I last saw you!  How’ve you been?”

“Heh-heh; want the short version?”

“Ha-ha-ha, it’s all good!”

“OK then: my partner and I split up after 47 years and all I got was a lousy case of lice; had to move outta the house into a one-room apartment, and I mean one-room; got demoted at work two years ago for mouthing off at the customers and my salary got demoted right along with me, with both of us yet to recover; broke my collarbone in a freak roller skating accident a few months ago but that’s all better except now it can forecast the weather if you know what I mean; also the warts all came back at once so my dermatologist is furiously working on how to annihilate those – ”

“Ohhhhh….”

“ – the kids don’t talk to me anymore, but I’d stopped talking to my parents around the same age so I had it coming – ”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *        *

“Hi there!  How’s life treatin’ ya?”

“Ah, not too bad: the usual aches, pains, and debt, same old story.  How about you?”

“Oh, you know, same old story: demanding family, annoying neighbors, chronic joint issues, going back to prison for violating parole – the usual.”

“…What?”

“You know how it is: you kite a few checks, you embezzle a few charitable organizations, you grand theft a few autos, and all of a sudden you’re Public Enemy #39.”

“Ummm….”

“I suppose I should turn myself in, again, but really, if you’re not living on the edge a little, can you even say you’re living at all?”

“I… think that cop car over there is slowing down to speak with you.”

“Huh?  Shoot.  Well, it’s been great catching up, but I gotta run – we really should talk more some time soon…!”

“…Yeah.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *        *

“Oh, hello!  It’s been a while since I saw you last, let me think....”

“Twenty-three years.”

“Twenty-three years, my-my-my, how time flies!  So… how’ve you been?”

“All right.”

“Really?”

“Yeah: not much going on; can’t complain.  You?”

“Oh, I’m fine.”

“That’s good.”

“So….”

“So… see you again in 23 years, then?”

“Sounds great, see you then!”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *        *

“ – occasionally I can’t see out of one eye, but it’s not constant so I’m not gonna bother doing anything about it; ooh, and my car got repossessed last year, but by gum, I got it back.  I think that’s about it for the major stuff; how’ve you been?”

“Hm?  Oh, good, thanks.”

“Just ‘good?’”

“How on Earth could anyone follow that?!”

“Heh-heh, yeah; I do tend to go on.”

Story 498: Seed of Discontent

The blueberry seed fit quite nicely in the seed-shaped dent worn into the human molar.

“Ahhhhhh,” Seed sighed, settling in.

“Hey!  Hey!  Hey!”  Molar addressed the invasion.  “Who invited you?!”

“Apparently, your Mouth did.”  Seed replied while relaxing farther into the crevice.

“Yeah, well, keep moving, pal!” Molar snapped.  “You’re doing absolutely no good up here – you’re needed in Digestive Tract and then Circulatory System, stat!”

Seed thought this over.  “Hmm, continue on my journey to be torn apart into my basic elements so they can fuel this organism, or stay right here and enjoy the view for days, possibly decades.”

“Ugh!”

“Yep, I think I’ll stay put.  Keep you company and all that.”

“As if!  You’re gonna slowly wear me away into my basic elements, that’s what gonna happen here!”

Seed gasped in horror.  “I would never!  As you can clearly perceive, of the two of us, I’m not the one who rips other beings apart in the service of a gluttonous overlord!”

“Maybe not, but your very presence, nestled deep in my enamel with no escape, is enough to summon the dreaded PLAQUE!”

“The what now?”

A tiny group wearing construction hats and carrying jackhammers and pickaxes appear on cue.

“So,” Lead Plaque asks Seed, “we heard there’s an opening here in Tooth #19?”

“Oh, I suppose so,” Seed replies gingerly.

“All right, fellas, get to work!”  The members of Plaque Crew shimmy under Seed and they all begin swinging pickaxes or aiming jackhammers at the enamel.

“NO-NO-NO!”  Molar focuses on Lead Plaque.  “You: tell your posse to hold up for two minutes!”

The members of Plaque Crew stop.  “This is highly irregular,” Lead Plaque states.

“Sincerest regrets!”  Molar then addresses Seed.  “You: get outta here, now!”

In a huff, Seed replies: “Well, even if I wanted to leave my happy new home, circumstances prevent: I find myself to be completely, and apparently irrevocably, stuck.”

“This is so unfair!” Molar wails.  “My lifetime record of zero cavities is going to be utterly ruined by one seed!”  Switching tactics, Molar places a panic call.  “Brain!  Brain, hear me!  I’m in distress!”

Brain opens a channel to the normally silent appendage: “Oh, hey Tooth #19, what’s up?”

“Brain, I know you’re incredibly busy, and you know I usually don’t bother you with minor infractions, but we have a situation here that is simply too egregious to ignore!”

“Oh?”  Molar sends Brain the sensations of Seed’s presence against its surface.  “Ohhhh.  Let’s take a closer look, shall we?”  Brain maneuvers Body to a reflective surface and opens Mouth.  “Oh yes, this will not do.  Time for pointy objects.”

Molar, Seed, and Plaque Crew watch as Left Hand descends to Molar with a pointy object aimed at Seed.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Seed and Plaque Crew scream in unison.  Seed is prodded multiple times from a variety of angles but there is no upward or outward movement.

“Hate to say it,” Seed says to Molar during a pause in the attack, “but I think this is just burrowing me deeper into the dent.”

“I noticed,” Molar grinds out.

The members of Plaque Crew take up their pickaxes and jackhammers again: “So, we’re going to go ahead and get back to work here if you don’t mind,” Lead Plaque says to Molar.

“I do, actually,” Molar snips back.

“Too bad.”  The members of Plaque Crew begin digging again.

“Hellllp,” Molar quietly wails.

“Sorry,” Seed says somewhat genuinely while settling back in comfort, “looks like I’m here to – WHAT IN THE WORLD?!”

The group watches in fascinated horror as an extremely long and pointy object descends into Mouth and scrapes apart Seed enough for the original pointy object to remove the remains.

On the way out, Seed proclaims: “Remember meeeeeeeee….”

In disgust, Lead Plaque gestures to the rest of the Crew to knock it off and leave.  “Whelp, foiled again; let’s go.”  To Molar: “We’ll be back with the next one.”

“Yeah, yeah.”  Molar then addresses Brain: “Thank you so much, Brain; I thought that thing would be stuck in me forever!”

“Sure, no problem,” Brain says evasively.

“I have to ask: was that an actual knife you used at the end there?”

“….Maybe.”

“Not to sound ungrateful, but isn’t that one of those things everybody recommends not to do?”

“I know, it very much is, but I really didn’t want us to have to go through a whole extra dentist appointment when they’d only be using basically the same basic pointy thing to get rid of it, right?”

“Not exactly on the same scale.”

Story 443: Human Body Complaint Desk

 (Brain is stationed at a table processing complaints from various organs, etc. in an individual human body)

Brain: (To Heart) I understand you’re working harder than you’ve ever had since puberty, but don’t you also think that that work’s long overdue, hm?

Heart: I suppose – just wish you’d ease off a bit on the extreme exercise and let us all work our way up to the hour-long cardio, yeah?  It’s been a while since we had gym class five days a week that kept us moving, and none of us are as young as we used to be.

Brain: Fair enough: I’ll send the signals to scale back our drive from “Make Up for Lost Time” to “Baby Steps,” would that work?

Heart: Definitely.  Ooh, and can you also send a message to reintroduce just a little bit more salt back into the diet?  I’m loving the cleanse, but I do need a smidgen of the old sodium chloride to keep the gears a-movin’.

Brain: (Sighs while taking notes) I’ll see what I can do; all-or-nothing seems to be the only approach Consciousness understands, so conflicting messages may make the whole works start freaking out.  Plus it’s hard sending a direct message on a good day, what with the disconnect and all.

Heart: Whatever you can do would be much appreciated – ta!  (Jogs off)

Brain: (Mutters while still writing notes) Less salt – more salt – run more – run less – I can’t keep up with all these lifestyle changes, and I initiated most of them.  Next!  (Sees Tongue approach, dragging along Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines) Oh, blergh, not you again, Tongue – your complaints have gotten to the point where I’ve pre-screened them all as “Frivolous.”

Tongue: And I’ve chosen to ignore it.  (Releases the other three) Brain: I’ve been patient.  I know, in the past, I’ve led us all a tad astray with my needs and desires which, I admit, have not always been in our collective best interest –

Brain: Putting it mildly: I’m still amazed that the amount of sugar you’ve had us ingest over the years never tipped us over into full-blown diabetes.

Pancreas: (Passing by) You’re welcome, by the way.

Brain: (Casually salutes Pancreas, then returns to Tongue) You were saying?

Tongue: Yes, what I mean is, I’ve been doing my best to make amends for all that, and being a team player with this new “healthy lifestyle” you suddenly got it into yourself to embrace – I’ve never complained once about all the bland, flat fuel that seem to be the only items on the menu now, because I know we all benefit in the long run.

Brain: And I thank you, Tongue; I know this must be difficult for you, so we’re all grateful for your cooperation.

Tongue: Quite.  So, believe me when I say that these three (Grabs Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines and pulls them forward) have crossed the line, and I will not stand for it a second longer!

Stomach: (As all three shake off Tongue) Buzz off, Tongue – I’m still getting over the ulcer all those years of soda wore into my lining!

Small Intestines: And don’t get us started on the decades we’ve had to work overtime extracting whatever nutrition we could from the garbage passing through our tracts!

Large Intestines: I don’t know how we stood it.

Tongue: If you’ve been paying any attention at all here, you know I’m a changed organ!  I concede the error of my ways, and strive to do better.

Brain: So what’s the problem?

Tongue: (Points to the others) These three randomly decided they don’t feel good, so they convinced you – (Points to Brain) to bring in that!  (Points to Ginger, lounging in a chair nearby)

Ginger: `Sup.

Brain: Oh yeah – well, we were told that would help with nausea; what’s it to do with you?  You haven’t minded in the past.

Tongue: Well!  Little did you know – or maybe you secretly did – there was a hidden ingredient tucked away in the depths of this fiend whose spiciness we’ve barely tolerated for the greater good!  (Goes to Ginger, reaches inside, and pulls out Cayenne Pepper) This – ABOMINATION!

Cayenne Pepper: (Waves at everyone) Howdy-do!

Tongue: Ugh!  (Drops Cayenne Pepper; the latter gets up to sit on the chair with Ginger)

Brain: Huh.  What’s that doing there?

Tongue: A very valid question, Your Honor!

Brain: Calm down – this isn’t a trial, it’s just a complaint desk.

Tongue: Right.  So, here I am, helping out some colleagues when they need me –

Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines: HA!

Tongue: – and processing the wildly unpleasant Ginger –

Ginger: Easy there, buddy.

Tongue: – as I have in the past as you said, which is fine, I’ve adjusted – when out of nowhere, some new brand must’ve been picked up or TARGETED, because this one – (Gestures to Cayenne Pepper) bursts onto the scene and literally sets me on fire!

Cayenne Pepper: (Waves off Tongue) A bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?

Tongue: I nearly shut down for a week!  And it wasn’t just me: Eyes’ll tell you all about their system overload!  (Gestures to Eyes) Go on, tell them!

Left Eye: …Well, there may have been a minor tearing-up situation.

Right Eye: No biggie.

Tongue: Could’ve fooled me!

Brain: (To Stomach, Small Intestines, and Large Intestines) All right, I’ve heard from the accuser – what do you all have to say for yourselves?

Large Intestines: I agree, it was a bit of a shock too, at first, but as it worked through us the results were very, ah, effective.

Stomach: Nausea all gone, that’s what I care about.

Brain: Indeed, it was quite the whirlwind that day.  (To Ginger and Cayenne Pepper) Anything you want to add?

Ginger: (Stretched out for a nap) Uh-huh: I fail to understand what all this whining’s about.

Cayenne Pepper: Yeah, what can we say?  We get the job done.

Tongue: But what about me???!!!

(Everyone else stares at Tongue)

Brain: Sorry Tongue, but like everything else, you’re just going to have to deal with it.  And I’m not sorry.  (Waves to the waiting Spinal Cord) Next!

Tongue: (Leans across the table to get into Brain’s personal space) Brain, please, I’m begging you: just some potato chips once in a while, or-or a milkshake if we’ve all been really good, anything to offset this new madness of Hot and Hotter!

Brain: Now Tongue, you know if we go back to having those kinds of things regularly, that’s a slippery slope to you wanting them all the time again –

Tongue: I do now!  Is that so wrong?!

Brain: Yes: our doctor said if we didn’t change our ways we’d soon have all the comorbidities.

Tongue: I know, but then don’t turn around and punish me with hellfire!

Cayenne Pepper: Heh, that’s a good one – I think I’ll call myself that now.

Ginger: Don’t push it.

Stomach: (Together with Small Intestines and Large Intestines gently tries to pull Tongue away from the table) Come on, Tongue, your temporary suffering really does help us out big time.

Small Intestines: I’ll say.

Large Intestines: (Looks at Cayenne Pepper) Whoo-whee!

(Cayenne Pepper winks back at them)

Tongue: (Starts weeping while holding onto the table) It’s not fair!  I’m trying to be good, but you all still hate me so!

Brain: (Tiredly beckons Tongue a bit closer) One piece of dark chocolate every few days, OK?  And we’ll work on finding some tasty healthy stuff.

Tongue: (Hugs Brain, now weeping with joy) Bless you, bless you!  (Allows the other three to guide them all away) You won’t regret this!  (Passes by Ginger and Cayenne Pepper) You – !

Ginger and Cayenne Pepper: (Wave cutely at Tongue) Byeeee!!

Brain: Be gracious in victory, please.

Ginger: Hey, we’re the ones helping you all out, don’t forget.  (Leaves with Cayenne Pepper)

Brain: (Shuddering) Don’t I know it.  (To Spinal Cord) Sorry for the wait – what can I do for you?

Spinal Cord: (Approaches the table) Well, I just wanted to let you know that with this new regime of actually getting up throughout the day, and walking, and moving around in general, and intense activity, and better nutrition, and sleeping enough each night, have really done wonders for that constant pain I used to be in – you’re doing a great job, keep up the good work!

Brain: (Taken aback) Oh.  Thank you.  So this isn’t a complaint, then?

Spinal Cord: Not at all!  It’s positive feedback!

Brain: I’m not sure how to deal with that.

Story 439: Feel the Burn

 (At a restaurant)

Adult Children: (Raising juice glasses disguised as wine glasses in a toast) Happy Mother’s Day!

Mom: (Raises glass in return) Thank you, children – your affection certainly warms the heart.

(They all pause to take a drink)

Adult Child 1: You sure you don’t want anything else this year?  I mean, this brunch is expensively nice, but we could get you a gift on top of that, you know.

Mom: That’s very sweet, honey, but having you both here with a delicious course of Eggs Benedict and freshly squeezed orange juice is enough – the only other thing I could want is your father back here with us, bless his soul.  (They raise their glasses and drink again) Well!  (Definitively sets down the glass and starts slicing into the waffle) This’ll be my last hurrah for a while: tomorrow I’m going to get off my lazy rear and start that workout routing you recommended.  (Nods at Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Oh, well, that’s only if you really want to get ripped –

Mom: I do, yes.  (Chews vigorously)

Adult Child 2: I have to admit I don’t keep up with it as much as I should, with commuting and working overtime and not wanting to get up early and… yeah.

Mom: (Downs the orange juice) Yes, I have no such excuses: happily retired, and you rugrats flew the coop ages ago, so my extracurricular activities can be rearranged willy-nilly.

Adult Child 1: And anyway, you’re not “lazy” – you’re running around all the time doing stuff.

Mom: You’re confusing Present Me with Past Me from when you were growing up; trust me, I sit around waaaaay too much for anyone’s good now.

Adult Child 1: Well, you deserve it after all those years raising us.

Mom: True, but beside the point.

Adult Child 2: (Chuckles) Would it help if we popped out a few grandkids for you to chase after?

Mom: Don’t tease.  No, starting tomorrow, I will join the ranks of the stay-at-home gym devotees – my life will be changed forever.  (Suddenly looks up at Adult Children) Again.

Adult Child 1: (Raises glass) Cheers to that.  (Sees that the glass is empty) Well that’s awkward.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Mom, wearing exercise clothes and sweat bands, sets up a mat on the living room floor, then uses the television to access the Internet and search for the previously mentioned workout video series)

Mom: (Navigating through the videos) “Advanced,” no…. “Extreme,” no…. “Ultra-Extreme,” blazes no.... Where’s “Ultra-Beginner?”  (Types “beginner” with the series name) Aha!  “Novice Baby Steps” – now that’s my speed.  (Starts the video and stands in readiness)

Host: (Extremely fit) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

Mom: Remains to be seen, but continue.

Host: Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: Uh-oh.

Host: For this set, you’re going to need a mat, a wall for balance, a chair –

Mom: Oh no, hold up!  (Pauses the video, runs to the kitchen, and drags a chair into the living room, dumping the seat cushion onto the couch on the way) OK, go!  (Resumes video)

Host: – anchor chains, a pull-up bar, preferably a monster-truck tire but a regular sedan tire will do –

Mom: WHAT?!

Host: – and a rowboat.  You ready?  Let’s go!

Mom: (Pauses the video) Blaaaaazes no!  That was “beginner”?!  Where’s one with no equipment?  (Searches for “beginner no equipment” in the series) OK, this one looks more promising.  (Starts a new video)

Host: (Wearing the same outfit as in the other video) Hey-hey-hey!  Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!  Now this is the beginner series, but don’t think that means I’m gonna take it easy on you!

Mom: This feels familiar.

Host: For this set, all you’ll need is a mat and a chair.

Mom: Liar – your title said “No Equipment.”

Host: I know the title said “No Equipment,” but that’s technically true – these are accessories.

Mom: Still.

Host: Now, let’s warm up first!

Mom: Ugh, skip!  (Moves the video progress bar to where the workout begins)

Host: (Shaking limbs loose) Warming up is very important before beginning any routine, so now we’re all limbered up and ready to go!

Mom: (Shaking limbs loose) Sure.

Host: (Lies face-down on a mat; Mom follows suit) OK, let’s do this!  First up: one-handed push-ups!

Mom: Huh?

Host: (Commences one-handed push-ups) Feel free to stay on your knees for this one, newbs!

Mom: (Shifts to knees) Oh I will.

(After sets of push-ups on each hand, Host jumps up)

Host: Now!  Over to the chair.  (Walks to the chair, grabs the seat on either side, hoists legs into the air, and starts doing handstand push-ups) Easier than using the floor, am-I-right?

Mom: (Stares in shock) If you say so.

Host: (Flips back off the chair, then does a middle split on the ground) Now, let’s work those abs and glutes!  (Reaches opposite arms to legs while rolling onto back and landing on feet in a continuous circle) This is the basic version of the move you’ll find in my advanced class, where we do this while using our teeth to hang off a rope attached to a plane in flight – don’t worry though, you should be ready for that by the time we’re through today!

Mom: Heh?

Host: (Jumps onto feet, then jumps up to grab the blades of a spinning ceiling fan while pulling legs up and down) Now, I forgot to mention earlier – (Spin) you will also need a ceiling fan for this – (Spin) so if you don’t have one – (Spin) feel free to hang the chair from the ceiling – (Spin) the effect’s the same – (Spin) Wheeeeeee!!!!!!

Mom: (Stops the video) I think my children are trolling me.  (Calls Adult Child 2)

Adult Child 2: Hi!  Did you try one of the videos yet?

Mom: No, because they’re meant for Olympian gods.  Have you seriously done any of these?!

Adult Child 2: Well, I started one and it looked good, and I thought I was just out of shape and needed to work my way up to it.

Mom: Work your way up?!  You need to have been at the top and launched into outer space to even start one of these!

Adult Child 2: Oh.  I feel better about the whole thing, then.

Mom: Why did you even suggest these to me?

Adult Child 2: I dunno, they looked cool.

Mom: Whatever; I’m going to search for some good old fashioned boot camp routines and let you know how those are, m’kay?

Adult Child 2: Sounds great, thanks!

Mom: Yeah-bye.  (Disconnects the call, searches videos for several more minutes, then makes a selection)

New Host: Hello, and welcome to your health journey!  Let’s begin with some toe touches to warm ourselves up, then we’ll move onto crunches and leg lifts!

Mom: (Repeatedly touches toes and stands, mirroring the video) Now, this is proper exercise.