Story 530: What Is This Detector Detecting?

             Customer Service Representative: (Wearing a headset and sitting at a desk in a company’s call center) Thank you for calling -----, this is -------, how may I assist you today?

Homeowner: (Perched at the top of a ladder in a hallway) Yeah hi, my smoke detector’s been beeping for over an hour and I can’t get it to stop.  (<BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: I have to ask: did you hit the big round button in the middle yet?

Homeowner: Your qualifying phrase at the beginning staved off me screaming “Yes!” in utter rage; well done.

Customer Service Representative: (Chuckles) Not my first rodeo.

Homeowner: Huh?  (<BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: So!  It sounds like the battery’s getting low and will need to be replaced.

Homeowner: (Juggling a box with instructions while trying to keep the phone propped against one ear) But it says here that The Voice is supposed to tell me there’s a low battery, and it’s been suspiciously mum the entire time.

Customer Service Representative: So it’s just beeping?

Homeowner: Yeah – about every 30 seconds.  Driving me bonkers.  (<BEEP-BEEP!>)  Again!

Customer Service Representative: OK – it’s also hardwired in, correct?

Homeowner: I think so; it was here when I moved in, and I found the box tucked away in a cabinet.

Customer Service Representative: OK, if you haven’t already done so, turn off the circuit breaker for that area and then take the detector off the mounting bracket that’s holding it – you’ll also have to pop it off the wires that are connected to it.

Homeowner: Got it – hold on a minute.  (Sets down the phone, scrambles down the ladder, and stats switching circuit breakers on and off.  Five minutes later) You still there? (<BEEP-BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: (Finishes posting status update “#questioninglifechoices” on social media) Yes, I’m still here.

Homeowner: Sorry, none of the circuit breakers are labelled so it took forever to figure out which one’s actually connected to this thing – the hallway light’s out and I’m now in darkness, but the detector’s still beeping!  (<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: That’s probably the battery back-up, then.  Did you take the detector off the bracket yet?

Homeowner: Nope – hang on.  (Grabs the detector, turns it slightly, and pulls) Hang on – (Pulls hard with both hands while holding the phone against a shoulder) Hang on – (Has let go of the ladder and dangles freely while holding onto the detector still attached to the ceiling) Hang on –

Customer Service Representative: Did you turn it counter-clockwise before pulling down?

Homeowner: (Straining while kicking in the air): Yes!  Now gravity is failing me in its one role in life!

Customer Service Representative: The device might be stuck – how many years have you been living there, since you said it was installed before you moved in?

Homeowner: (Face turning red from the strain) I don’t know, forever it feels like!

Customer Service Representative: I’m sure it’s been less than 10 years – that’s how long these things are guaranteed for.

Homeowner: (Sweat pouring everywhere) It’s none of your business anyway!  Ooh, wait a minute, did you say “counter-clockwise”?

Customer Service Representative: …Yes.

Homeowner: OK.  (Swings body to turn the detector in the other direction; both the detector and Homeowner immediately fall to the floor)

Customer Service Representative: Are you OK?!

Homeowner: (Faintly from the floor) No, but I got it off the ceiling.  (<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: (Sighs quietly in relief) All right, you’re going to have to get a new detector at this point since it sounds like this one is a bust, so I’m going to talk you through demolishing the battery so you can dispose the unit afterward, all right?

Homeowner: (Has wobbly stood up again, picked up the phone, and stares at the detector) All right….

Customer Service Representative: Now, there should be a label on the back that says something like “Remove this label and move the tab to destroy the battery”; do you see it?

Homeowner: (Squints while reading the back text) …No.

Customer Service Representative: OK, is there a label pointing out where the battery is?

Homeowner: (Squints while reading the back text) …No.

Customer Service Representative: (Starts grinding teeth) What does the back of the unit say, then?

Homeowner: Not much – it’s got some weird black triangle-thing with a yellow background at the top, and says “DO NOT REMOVE” in really big letters in the middle, and then slightly smaller “Stay Where You Are” at the bottom.  (Looks up in confusion) Does that mean the battery’s somewhere else, then?

Customer Service Representative: (Flabbergasted) Let’s back up a bit here: what’s the model number on the detector?

Homeowner: Ummm.... (Turns the detector over, several times) Doesn’t have one.

Customer Service Representative: (Pulls the headset’s microphone closer) This may sound like a stupid question, but what is the brand name on the detector?

Homeowner: Ummm.... (Turns the detector over, several times) Doesn’t have one.

Customer Service Representative: So… how did you know to call here?

Homeowner: I told you, I found a box in the cabinet – it already had a detector in there though, which I thought was kind of weird but figured it was a spare or this was the spare, you know?  (Picks up the extra detector where it was lying on the kitchen table) Hey, look at that – this one has your company’s name all over it; wonder why the other one doesn’t?  (<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: Is it me, or are there more beeps at a time now than before?

Homeowner: (Sets down the previous detector and looks back at the beeping one) Oh yeah, I didn’t even notice.  It’s flashing different colors now, too; I thought it only had green and red, but clearly it’s been holding out on me.  Wonder if it’s sending out a signal, heh-heh-heh?

Customer Service Representative: (Gulping in panic) …Not to alarm you –

Homeowner: Pun intended!  Ahahaha!

Customer Service Representative: - but I think you may want to call the police.  And leave your house immediately.

Homeowner: What for?  It’s just some broken smoke detector; doubt the place’ll burn down in the 20 minutes it’ll take to get a new one.  (<BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-BEEP!>)

Customer Service Representative: The thing is, I don’t think it’s actually a smoke detector; it sounds like –

Homeowner: (On hearing banging at the front door) Hold on, there’s someone at the door.  It never ends, am-I-right?  (Walks to the front of the house)

Customer Service Representative: (Starts typing frantically) No-no-no, do not answer the door, I’m sending the police to you – !

(Customer Service Representative hears a door being unbolted and opened)

Homeowner: (Voice is muffled by distance from the phone that was left on the kitchen table) Oh hey there – what can I do for you folks?

Voice: (Muffled by distance) GIVE US THE TALISMAN.

Homeowner: Hm, nope, don’t think anything like that’s here, but next door might –

(An increasingly loud whine resounds through Customer Service Representative’s headset)

Customer Service Representative: (Stops typing to pull one earpiece away and pull the microphone closer) Hello?!  Are you still there?!  Hang on, buddy!  (The call disconnects)  Oh no.

(Manager speedwalks to Customer Service Representative’s desk)

Manager: I heard the commotion – did they get another one?

Customer Service Representative: (Takes off the headset and stands) I am so sorry this happened – I should’ve realized sooner what was going on, and I think I sent the police too late for that poor soul.  I failed in my sole duty of serving the customer.  (Hangs head in shame)

Manager: (Pats Customer Service Representative’s shoulder in sympathy) There, there, you’re not to blame – you did your best, considering the circumstances.  On the bright side, this is a perfect example for me to present at the next board meeting on why we need a product redesign.

Story 495: Please Complete Our Survey

 (Seated at a kitchen table, Customer checks e-mail on a laptop)

Customer: (Mutters along while reading a message) “In order to better serve our customers, please click or copy-and-paste the link below to complete our survey…. Your name will be entered in a raffle afterward for a free trip to the Moon….” Fine-fine, I’ll help you all out, should be quick.  (Clicks on the link and is brought to a new site)

<Hello!  Thank you for participating in our survey!  Your input is invaluable and will lead to improved quality and service!>

Customer: I’ll bet it will.

<Below, please select “Uninterested,” “Somewhat Uninterested,” “Neither Interested Nor Uninterested,” “Very Interested,” or “Extremely Interested” for each of the following items.>

Customer: OK…. (Selects an option for each item for several minutes) This is getting lengthy; how many more are there?  (Scrolls all the way to the bottom of the page) Whoa, there has to be over a hundred of these things!  Is this the whole survey?  (Scrolls all the way back to the top of the page and sees a progress bar) Two percent?!  I thought this thing was supposed to be quick!  (Tabs back to the e-mail) “This survey should take 30-40 minutes to complete.”  Well.  Shame on me, but they have some nerve.  (Returns to the survey and spends the next 40 minutes answering questions on different pages)

<Please enter in the box below why you selected “Excellent” for the previous question.>

Customer: (While typing a terse response) Argh, because the employees did their job, what more do you want?!

<Do you think you will use this service within the next six to 12 months?>

Customer: I don’t know!  Maybe?!

<Please enter in the box below why you selected “Uncertain” for the previous question.>

Customer: Because I DON’T KNOW.

<For quality control, please enter in the box below a brief description of the purpose of this survey.>

Customer: …Seriously?!

<Please select from a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “Awful” and 10 being “Stupendous,” your view of this company.>

Customer: In general or at this particular moment?

<For demographics only, please select the range of your household income.>

Customer: It’s the range “None of your business.”

<Do you live alone?>

Customer: Creepy!  “Prefer not to answer”!

<Are you a robot?>

Customer: Little late for that one – almost tempted to answer “Yes” just to see what’d happen.  (Selects “No”)

<Are you sure?>

Customer: Whaaaaaaattttt???? (Selects “Yes”)

<Please confirm your humanity by selecting only the boxes with traffic lights in them in the photo below.>

Customer: For the love of – (Does so)

<Congratulations!  You passed the Turing test.>

Customer: Yippee – wait a minute, what if I didn’t?

<You also have now reached the halfway point of this survey.>

Customer: WHAT?!

<For the next portion, please describe in the box below your very first experience with this company (including the date, store location, and employee name(s); receipt attachment is optional but preferred).  Please enter a minimum of 1,000 words and include video testimony at least 15 minutes in length.>

Customer: All right, that’s it.  (Returns to the e-mail again, finds the company’s customer service telephone number, and spends the next 10 minutes on hold)

Customer Service Representative: Apologies for the wait time – how may I assist you today?

Customer: Hi, yes, I’m calling about the survey that was e-mailed to me –

Customer Service Representative: Oh, that: I’ve fielded over a hundred calls so far today and exactly 98 of them have been about that blasted survey, pardon my language.

Customer: No at all.  So, I assume you know the issue.

Customer Service Representative: I do indeed: it’s been described to me in great detail by your fellow customers.  All I can do is extend the company’s apologies for the inconvenience and note that the survey was created by an outside vendor who has since been released from their contract.

Customer: Oh.  So I don’t have to keep filling out this thing, then?

Customer Service Representative: Technically, you didn’t have to fill it out at all; it’s completely voluntary.

Customer: It’s just that I’ve already invested so much time in it that I’d hate for what I entered to be lost to cyberspace.  But I’m not uploading a video essay, either.

Customer Service Representative: Yes, that’s pretty much the same point where everyone else called here – you can scroll to the bottom of the screen and select “Submit,” and that will process all the answers you entered up to then.  I think you only had about 20 more after that one, though.

Customer: Twenty too many.  (Selects “Submit”)

<Thank you very much for completing our survey!  The raffle unfortunately has ended at this time; when it opens again, would you like to complete another survey for a chance to win?>

Customer: NO!  (Forcefully clicks “No”)

Customer Service Representative: Got the raffle question?

Customer: Yes!  I don’t think I can complete an online questionnaire ever again.

Customer Service Representative: Know the feeling: we have to do one every day as ongoing training and I keep thinking each time that I can’t face yet another radio button, but somehow it keeps getting done.  Is there anything else I can assist you with today?

Customer: No, that was it; thank you, you’ve been very helpful.

Customer Service Representative: You’re welcome.  And apologies in advance for the irony, but hold one moment, please.

Customer: Huh?  (Holds for several moments)

Customer Service Robot: Hello!  Thank you – for – participating in – our – customer service satisfaction – survey!

Customer: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Customer Service Robot: There is – one – question: Was your – issue – resolved?

Customer: …Yes?

Customer Service Robot: Thank you!  Have a – nice – day!  Good-BYE!  (Call ends)

Customer: (Stares at the phone, then accusingly at the laptop) There, was that so hard?

Story 485: When Meet-Cute Fails

(In a café, Protagonist 1 and Protagonist 2 sit at a table having hot cocoa)

Protagonist 1: (Smacks lips after an especially satisfying slurp) You know something?  I wanna have a meet-cute.

Protagonist 2: (Pauses before drinking) That came out of nowhere – what brought this on?

Protagonist 1: Well, my life is boring for one thing.  I go to work, do the same thing for more than a third of the day, deal with the same people and the same garbage, squeeze in errands, come home, eat the same bad dinner, watch the same meaningless shows, go to sleep way too late, repeat.  And weekends are extended nights.  And sometimes I meet up with you like this, but even that’s routine.  It’s boring!

Protagonist 2: Gee, thanks.  So what’s the other thing?

Protagonist 1: What?  Oh, no, that pretty much covers it.  (Slurps again)

Protagonist 2: And you think meeting some stranger’ll liven up your life, is that it?

Protagonist 1: Not just “some stranger”: THE ONE.

Protagonist 2: Yeech.

Protagonist 1: And I want it to be a meet-cute, so that way I’ll know it’s for real, and it’ll be so exciting and special, and my life’ll finally starting being awesome!

Protagonist 2: I repeat: yeech.  Maybe it’s fun to watch in movies and TV, but that’s all scripted – things never actually happen that way in real life.

Protagonist 1: Well, I’m just going to have to make it happen then, won’t I?  Starting with…. (Looks around the café until settling at the counter) that barista.

Protagonist 2: (As Protagonist 1 stands) Oh no, leave that poor person alone, don’t you remember when we worked in retail?  No one there really wants to talk to the customers!

Protagonist 1: Nonsense!  Some of them thrive on the interaction, and this one looks lonely.  (Walks to the counter)

Protagonist 2: (Mutters into the cocoa cup) Looks disgusted with life to me.

Protagonist 1: (To Barista, who is wiping down the counter) Hi there!

Barista: (Pauses in wiping and stares at Protagonist 1 with blank eyes) How can I help you?

Protagonist 1: (Leans on the counter in an attempt to be flirty; Barista stares at the spot being leaned on, which had been cleaned two seconds earlier) I just wanted to say, you made an absolutely delicious cup of cocoa.  You’re really good at the culinary arts, you know that?

Barista: (Returns to wiping, more vigorously than before) Thanks, but I didn’t make your drink; I was ringing up orders for the past hour while the others made the drinks, warmed up the sandwiches, baked the cookies, heated the soup –

Protagonist 1: (Stands up straight again) Oh, got it.

Barista: (Wipes harder, speaking to the counter) – sliced the bagels, toasted the bagels, buttered the bagels, refilled the milk, restocked the coffee, received the deliveries, cleaned the machines, mopped the floor –

Protagonist 1: (Having returned to the table and sat down across from Protagonist 2 again) Well, that was a bust.

Barista: (Going into the kitchen) – day in, day out –

Protagonist 2: Told you.  You can’t really form a sincere connection with someone in customer service while they’re working; they’re already at a disadvantage since they’re being paid to fulfill your every whim anyway.

Protagonist 1: Don’t make it gross.  It’s fine, I’ll think of something.

Protagonist 2: Whatever – have fun while I sit this out.

 THE NEXT DAY

(On a highway, Protagonist 1 drives to work)

Protagonist 1: (Singing the wrong lyrics while the radio plays) <And I, I don’t want to keep doooooing this, anymooooooore!!!!  Why – >  WHOA!  (Slams on the brakes when the car in front stops short, and is rear-ended by the car in back) Aw, nuts!  (Turns back sharply and sees a subjectively attractive driver in the other car, then signals to pull over) Ooh-ooh, this may be it!  (Pulls onto the shoulder, then tries to subtly fix hair in the rearview mirror and check breath as the other driver also pulls over, exits the car, and walks to Protagonist 1’s door) Stay calm, be cool, let the Meet-Cute commence!  “So sorry, that was entirely my fault” – “Oh no really, it was my fault, let me take you out to dinner to make up for it” – (Lowers window as Driver arrives) Hi there, so –

Driver: What’s the big idea, slamming on your brakes like that?!  I’m gonna sue you for negligent driving and attempted vehicular homicide; you better have insurance but I bet someone like you doesn’t, you irresponsible, stupid –

Protagonist 1: You obviously were tailgating me and that car over there is a witness.  (Driver turns to see a third car had pulled up next to them; the occupants wave at the other two, and Protagonist 1 waves back)

Driver: (Turns back to Protagonist 1) I –

Protagonist 1: (Takes out a phone) I suggest you get back in your car and wait for the police to arrive – I doubt there’s any real damage to either of our cars; my insurance at least will cover it; and then we’ll be on our way.

Driver: You –

Protagonist 1: And the helpful witnesses here are blocking you in, so don’t even think about leaving if, for some reason, you don’t have insurance.

Driver: (Face twitches a bit) I’m going back to the car.  (Returns to the car and collapses on the steering wheel to weep)

Protagonist 1: (Waiting while the phone rings) Well that was certainly a Meet-Ugly.  (Gives a thumbs-up to the other car’s occupants, who thumbs-up back)

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a bank, Protagonist 1 waits on the long line for the one teller available)

Protagonist 1: (Softly whispers) So bored, so bored, so bored –

(Suddenly, three people burst into the bank with faces covered in soft stockings and small weapons aloft)

Bank Robber 1: All right everyone, down on the ground, this is a robbery!  (Almost everyone else holds up their phones to film this) For the love of – (To Bank Robber 2) Take the phones first, then the wallets!  The rest of you, down!

Customer 1: (As everyone else lowers to the ground) Aw come on, you’re just supposed to take our money from the vault, not our money from our selves!

Bank Robber 1: You’ll get it back from The Man; meantime, gimme!  (Two of them start taking valuables from the customers and Bank Robber 3 gestures for an employee to open the vault)

Protagonist 1: (Smoothes hair back, then stands abruptly) I volunteer as hostage and sacrifice myself to save all these innocent people!

(Everyone freezes in confusion)

Bank Robber 1: What?  No; who said anything about hostages?

Bank Robber 2: Yeah, we’re in-and-out!  None of that taking-someone-home mess!

Protagonist 1: The police’ll be here any minute since that officer – (Points to one of the bank officers lying next to a desk) hit the panic button right as you all came in, so you need me if you want to get out of here in one piece!

Bank Officer: (Hisses at Protagonist 1) Hey!  Leave me out of this!

Bank Robber 1: (As the three resume the robbery) Cops aren’t going to get here for another… (Checks watch) seven minutes; we’ll be long gone by then; get back down on the ground and stop volunteering for danger, you nutter!

Protagonist 1: But who’s going to save you from your life of crime, and also teach you the true meaning of love?

Bank Robber 1: Huh?

Bank Robber 2: Yeah, we like our life of crime.

Protagonist 1: But wouldn’t it be more fulfilling if the stakes were higher?  You all torn between having to threaten and yet protect a helpless victim, and we’re strangers at first but then circumstances force us to learn more about each other’s pasts, and we bond despite our initial distrust and grow to care about one another, and then one day two or more of us suddenly realize that bond has deepened into something much more –

Bank Robber 1: Un – freaking – believable.

Bank Robber 2: Yeah – I think I saw that movie last week.

Bank Robber 3: (Running from the vault) Time’s up, we gotta go!

Bank Robber 1: Arrrrggghhhh!!!  (Points to Protagonist 1) YOU!  Just cost us half the cash literally lying around here!  (As the three back toward the exit) Can the rest of you we didn’t get to just toss your wallets over here, please?!

Customers and Employees: NO!

Bank Robber 1: Fair enough.  (The three run out the door and then exit the vestibule to the outside, where several police cars await them)

Lead Officer: Weapons and bags down, on the ground, hands over your faces!

Bank Robber 1: Drat.

(Inside the bank, the customers and employees gather around Protagonist 1)

Customer 2: (Patting Protagonist 1 on the back) Great job, that was a brilliant stalling tactic!

Protagonist 1: …Yes, my plan went exactly as intended.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a diner, Protagonist 1 and Protagonist 2 are having dinner)

Protagonist 2: Wow.  Sounds like your life’s gotten a lot more exciting lately; now I’m sorry I missed it.

Protagonist 1: I guess, but not really: everything reset back to zero afterwards, my life is still the same as it’s always been, and my meet-cutes have been absolute fails no matter how hard I try.

Protagonist 2: Yeah, that’s too bad.  (Takes a bite of the entrée and burns tongue) Ow.  You know, we had a meet-cute.

Protagonist 1: (Pauses mid-bite) What?

Protagonist 2: Back when we worked in the supermarket.  It was my first day, I had no idea what I was doing since orientation was only a five-minute video, and you came to my rescue with the cash register.  I never forgot it.

Protagonist 1: (Laughs self-consciously) Oh, that.  Well, you looked like you were struggling, and I felt bad for the new kid.  Turns out you also were fun to be around.

Protagonist 2: And we’ve been hanging out ever since.

Protagonist 1: Yeah....

Protagonist 2: Guess it got boring.

Protagonist 1: (Winces) Did I say “boring”?

Protagonist 2: A few times, yeah.

Protagonist 1: (Thinks for a bit) Does a meet-cute still count if one party takes a few years to realize that’s what it was?

Protagonist 2: I’m a big believer in “better late then never.”

Protagonist 1: Good, because apparently I take a while to figure things out.