Story 555: Flashback Back to School

             (On a park trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate carefully over the uneven terrain)

Friend 2: (Gingerly stepping down a highlands hill) I can’t believe I let you talk me into taking the difficult trail this time.

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree trunk for the descent) C’mon, you can’t stay on the easy-to-moderate trails all your life, you’ve gotta branch out a little – ow!  (Stubs foot on an exposed tree root and nearly falls off the mini-mountain)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh: got another one>

Tree 2: <Sweet> (The two trees’ branches slap each other in triumph)

Friend 2: (Helping Friend 1 regain footing) Still, this is the most exercise I get in a week, so I suppose I should be grateful.

Friend 1: You’re welcome.  (The ground levels out slightly and they continue onward with minimal interruption)

Friend 2: And it’s great coming here after Labor Day, with no more summer state park fees, summer crowds, or summer weather.

Friend 1: But it’s still summer.

Friend 2: Yeah, technically, but you know as soon as Labor Day hits, fun time’s over.

Friend 1: (Takes a swig from a water bottle) Ugh, don’t remind me: I hate this time of year.

Friend 2: Well, sure, I know you love beaches and boardwalks and any excuse to have funnel cake, but you gotta admit that the cooling weather, changing leaves, and absence of shore traffic are definitely perks.

Friend 1: Oh, no doubt; I won’t argue with any of that.

Friend 2: Then what is it?

Friend 1: (Stops walking, stares at an osprey landing on a nesting pole in the distance, and sighs; through gritted teeth) Back.  To.  School.

Friend 2: (Also having stopped walking) You… haven’t gone back to school in over 20 years.

Friend 1: I know.  But the 17 I did during my formative era have been seared into my brain and will never leave, at least until the inevitable dementia’s in full force.  No, scratch that: with my luck, those’ll be the only memories I’ll have at that point.

Friend 2: (As they both start walking again) All right, going back to school after summer break was sad and annoying, but it wasn’t that bad.  We got to see all our friends again.

Friend 1: I saw them in just the right amounts during break, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: Some of the work was interesting.

Friend 1: To you, maybe: I was a terrible student and didn’t need a yearly reminder.

Friend 2: (Winces slightly) …You liked Band!  And Drama Club, don’t forget that!

Friend 1: (Chuckles) True, true.  I miss those geeks; made me feel superior to the nerds in Chess Club.

Friend 2: What about the athletes?

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about those dorks!

Friend 2: (Defensively) Hey, I was on the basketball team for three years in high school!

Friend 1: Oh right.  Well, you were OK.

Friend 2: (Shakes head in exasperation) Whatever – point is, for us, school was all right and not the faux-traumatic experience you’re acting like it was.

Friend 1: I’m not saying it was; I’m just saying I hate Back to School.  Every year, all the anxiety and pressure come flooding back in like they never left.

Friend 2: Oh, well, then just… don’t think about it, I guess.

Friend 1: I have yet to hear an instance where that suggestion has ever worked for anything.

(That night, Friend 1 lies in bed, staring at a digital clock on the lamp table)

Friend 1: Mm-hm: at this time 20+ years ago, I was dreading the first day of high school… first day of middle school… (Starts drifting to sleep) elementary school… kindergarten… pre… schooooooolllll….

THE DREAM

(In a never-ending hallway filled with students, Friend 1 stands in the exact center, dressed like a 1990s teenager but still with a 2020s face, carrying a backpack and holding several textbooks with paper bag covers in one arm and an illegible class schedule in the other hand)

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically through the streams of passing students, gigantic lockers, and infinite closed doors as many bells constantly ring) Where’s my classroom?!  WHERE’S MY CLASSROOM????!!!!

(Suddenly seated in the very front row of a classroom, Friend 1 strains to read what is written on the overwhelming chalkboard)

Friend 1: (Squinting) Three times – Brontë, who – apartheid, when – igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic rocks, that – mi chiamo, che – differential equations?!

Teacher: (Standing at the front of the classroom, head almost touching the ceiling and growing every second) Now class, please turn in your reports on the entire science textbook that were due today.

Friend 1: (As all the other students hold out packets of neatly typed reports with perfectly formatted cover sheets) But – but – today is the first day of school – ?

Teacher: (Leans down from the heights to get in Friend 1’s face) THIS WAS YOUR SUMMER READING PROJECT!  YOU HAD MORE THAN TWO MONTHS TO COMPLETE IT!

Friend 1: But – but – a report on a science textbook?

Teacher: THE ENTIRE BOOK!

Friend 1: But – but – I don’t have it –

Teacher: YOU’D BETTER HAVE IT BY TOMORROW OR YOU’LL REPEAT THIS GRADE BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED IT!  (Straightens up and addresses the rest of the room) Now class, let’s begin our study of the American, English, and Russian Civil Wars by simultaneously proving Fermat’s Last Theorem and translating the Constitution of France into Middle English, backwards –

(Friend 1’s eyes snap open as a buzzing cell phone nearly falls off the lamp table)

Friend 1: (Answering the phone) Hellllllllooooooo????

Friend 2: (On a cell phone at an office desk) You sound awful – everything OK?

Friend 1: It is now; what’s up?

Friend 2: Well, I was gonna leave a message just checking on whether you’ve gotten over your “Back to School Phobia” or whatever it is you have going on.

Friend 1: (Lies back and rubs forehead) Actually, I just woke up from a nightmare about the whole thing, and it was probably the worst dream I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Friend 2: Oh, wow, that stinks.

Friend 1: Yeah.  But, in a strange way, I think it may have been exactly what I needed.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, it was so ridiculously and unrealistically horrible that now my actual memories aren’t so bad in comparison.

Friend 2: (Leans back in desk chair in triumph) So: I was right.

Friend 1: Don’t rub it in.  Suffice it to say, I am now at peace with Back to School and can look upon that time fondly and enjoy this season at last.

Friend 2: Good, because the reason why I was only going to leave a message instead of having this full-blown conversation is that I figured at this point in the day you’d be at post-school era, adult-world work, so now I think you’re about two hours late.

Friend 1: …I wanna go back to school.

Story 531: In-Class Demonstration

 [Thanks to my nephew for suggesting the story idea]

(In a middle school classroom)

Teacher: (Addressing students at the beginning of class) All right, everyone, today we’re going to do something a little different –

Students: Yaaaaaay!

Teacher: HUSH!  (They all hush) Now: since your term project involves a deep dive into exploring gravity as an all-consuming force in this world, I decided that a “hands-on” approach would be the most effective method to drive the lesson home into your still-developing cerebra.  (Scans the room and points to a student in the middle of the third row) You!

Student: (Looks around at surrounding students as they surreptitiously scooch their desks away and then points to self) Me?

Teacher: Yes; you’re still going to martial arts classes, right?

Student: Uh, yeah?

Teacher: Is that a question?

Student: More of an unspoken one of “Where is this going?”

Teacher: I’ll show you in a moment – get up here.  (Gestures to the front of the classroom)

Student: Umm… do I have to?

Teacher: Yes!  This’ll be fun for everyone, I assure you.

Student: OK…. (Slowly stands up and does the long march to the front of the classroom, turns, and faces a roomful of pitying looks)

Teacher: Thanks for volunteering – (Student double-takes) now, to demonstrate how gravity controls us all no matter what we do, I want you, a still-sprouting youth who’s barely hit 100 lbs, to utilize gravity in order to throw me, a full-grown adult who could stand to shed a few, soundly onto the ground.  (Crouches in a defensive posture) And… go!

Student: Umm… is this legal?

Teacher: I didn’t bother to check, now toss me!

Student: I really don’t think –

Teacher: No time for thinking, aaaaahhhh!  (Rushes Student who instinctively grabs Teacher around the middle and bring the latter to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) Yaaaaaay!

Student: (Holding hands to mouth in horror) Oh no, are you OK?!

Teacher: (Creakily gets up from the floor while holding lower back; Students sit down again) That was very good, but we’re not finished.

Student: We’re not?

Teacher: Nope!  I took it easy on you with that one by allowing you to use momentum to overcome my superior strength and then gravity to take care of the rest.  Now, I want you to try using gravity to take me down from a standing, immobile position.  (Stands straight with arms at sides)

Student: Uh, the moves don’t quite work like that in this position –

Teacher: I said “Take me down!”

(Student crouches low while moving in, uses a leg behind Teacher’s knee to make the latter’s leg buckle, and sweeps Teacher to the ground)

Students: (Stand as one and raise arms to cheer) YAAAAAAY!!!!

Student: (Helps Teacher stand up again) I’m so sorry – did you hit your head?!

Teacher: (Leans far back and swings from side-to-side to crack out everything) Nope – all good!  (To Students as they sit down again) See?  Again, gravity did most of the work in pulling my massively muscled body all the way down to the Earth that is continuously striving to merge with us!

Student: Umm….

Teacher: (To Student) Now!  I’m going to climb on top of my desk, and you’re going to have to demonstrate how gravity will shove me off my perch and drive me into Earth’s unforgiving embrace.

Student: Do I have to?

Teacher: (Climbs onto the desk and stands on it) Yes!

Students: (Start banging their hands on their desks and stomping their feet on the floor) YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!  YAAAAAAY!

Student: (To Teacher, over the increasing noise) I don’t know – one or both of us could really get hurt this way!

Teacher: (Crouching on top of the desk) C’mon, you coward!  Show me gravity!

(The classroom door suddenly flies open and Principal strides in; everyone else in the room freezes)

Principal: What on Earth is going on in here?!  The entire school can hear this racket!

Teacher: (Stands up straight again) It’s OK; I’m demonstrating the force of gravity.

Principal: You’re what?!  You teach English Language Arts!

Teacher: Well, how else am I supposed to get a bunch of pre-teens to appreciate the use of metaphor in Victorian literature?!

Story 468: Don’t Let People Live Rent-Free in Your Head

(Inside a human consciousness, Ego paces the area, Super-Ego sits calmly reviewing the day, and Id bounces around all over the place)

Ego: (Stops pacing for a bit) Well, we’re home now; that’s the important thing, right?

Super-Ego: Yes, safety is always priority.  As days go, I admit this one was pretty bad, but just remember it also could have been worse.

Ego: I know, you’re right.  It also could have been better, though.

Id: (Bounces over to the other two) Ice cream!  Ice cream always makes things better!

Super-Ego: No, Id!  We haven’t even had dinner yet!

Ego: (To Id) Maybe later.

Id: Yesssss!!!!! (Goes back to bouncing off the imaginary walls)

Ego: (Goes back to pacing) I just can’t stop replaying everything over and over.

Super-Ego: (Sighs) Please don’t, we’ll never get any sleep tonight.  Again.

Ego: I can’t help it – (Almost crashes into a casually seated figure who was not there before) Whoa, who the blazes are you?!

Figure 1: Oh hey, I’m the one who cut you off in traffic this morning.

Ego: Huh?

Figure 1: You know, the one who passed you on the right and insisted on getting in front of you even though you clearly had the right-of-way and tried so hard to stay ahead but I sped ahead and cut you off anyway?

Id: (Lands in front of Figure 1) I remember you!  (To the other two) Let’s get `em!

Super-Ego: Everyone just calm down –

Figure 1: (Miming driving) Wanna relive it?  I can yell out the window and take off your front fender for real this time if you’d like.

Ego: (Turns away) Not listening, not listening – (Almost crashes into Figure 2, who is standing directly in the way) Whoa! What now?!

Figure 2: Hey there, enemy coworker here – wanna keep going with that fight we started earlier today?

            Ego: Ummm….

Figure 2: I’ll even let you get in all those good comebacks you thought of hours after the fact, too.

Id: (Zooms in-between the two) Yes!  Here’s one: Your momma’s so –

Super-Ego: (Pushes aside Id) Still unhelpful!

Ego: You’re right, what am I doing?  Nothing I say here will change what really happened!

Figure 2: Or that you lost.  Would you like it if I let you win this time?

Super-Ego: No!

Ego: Well….

Super-Ego: No!  Stop fueling this!

Ego: I’m not fueling anything!

Super-Ego: Yes you are, you’re letting them still have power over us by allowing them to basically live rent-free in our head and take up all our energy!

Ego: …Would it help if we charged them rent?

Super-Ego: Argh!

Figure 1: (Steers over to the others) I’m just gonna go ahead and cut you off again while we’re on the subject.

Figure 2: We’re not!  We have a fight to re-fight and I’ve got even nastier things to say this time!

Ego: (Covers ears and closes eyes) Stop, everyone just stop!

Figure 3: (Coming in through an open window) Yoo-hoo!

(The others turn as one)

Others: Who the blazes are you?!

Figure 3: Oh, you remember me: I’m that grammar school teacher who said your final project was awful and you wouldn’t have much of a future in anything so you might as well not even bother with anything!  You kept thinking about me all day, after the near-accident and the work-fight and especially since you’re so much of a failure now – (Id pushes Figure 3 out the window) Heyyyyyy!!

Id: (Slams the window shut and turns back to the others) Don’t forget: that one was fired the following year for being all-around awful.

Ego: Great, but what about these two?  (Gestures to Figure 1 and Figure 2)

Super-Ego: Just ignore them.

Ego: Easier said than done.

Super-Ego: Then it’s eviction time!  (Waves the other two out of existence)

Figure 1 and Figure 2: Heyyyyyy!!  (Vanish)

Ego: Where’d they – ?

Super-Ego: I made an executive decision to wipe them out, and I will continue to do so every time they show up.  (Closes curtains on the window as there is a crowd of figures from throughout the day trying to get in) Now: either use those experiences to learn how to deal with situations better or move on, but they are not spending another moment here on an endlessly repeating loop, you hear me?!

Ego: (Mumbles) Yes.

Super-Ego: Good.  So, for tonight, we’re going to have dinner, go for a walk, and then end with spending hours watching our favorite show until we fall asleep even though that’s not so great for our eyes or our brain, all right?

Ego: Yeah, OK.

Id: (Zooms in) And ice cream?  With lots and lots of chocolate? 

Super-Ego: Sure – we’ve earned it.                                                                  

Story 409: Method Homeworking

 (In a high school classroom)

Teacher: Good morning, class; welcome back to school and your first day of Algebra –

Students: Boooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Teacher: I will allow one token protest to readjust after your summer of slackerdom – now, let’s begin with your new best friends this year: X, Y, and Z....

(Forty minutes later)

Teacher: And so, your homework tonight and every night until the end of the academic year will be the problems we are up to today – (Checks the day’s plan) yes, the next 20 will do fine.

Students: Ughhhhhh….

Teacher: Just do your best; you won’t be quizzed until Tuesday the earliest.

Students: Aaaahhhhh!!!!!

(The bell rings and the students run out of the classroom)

Teacher: And remember: have fun!  Out of all the math you may take in high school, this is the only one you’ll all actually need in your adult lives!  (Mutters while prepping for the next class) Only 50+ more years of this until retirement.

(The next day)

Teacher: All right students, I saw that nearly all of you have posted your homework on our portal by at least 7:59 this morning; however, and I am loath to tardy-shame so early in the semester, but you – (Points to Student 1) still have not submitted your work, at all.  I will accept a paper version at this time, and this time only.

Student 1: (Stands) Actually, Teach –

Teacher: <Gasps>

Student 1: – since you told us to have fun, I decided to answer the problems a little more… creatively, if you will.  (Quickly dashes out to the hallway and comes back in dragging a large covered object on a wheeled cart to the front of the classroom, whipping off the tarp with a beaming flourish)

Teacher: And what, pray tell, is this?  A computer that you manipulated to supply you with all the answers?

Student 1: What?  No, it’s a nuclear reactor.

Teacher: WHAT??!!

Student 1: I built it last night – to scale, of course.

Teacher: Oh I see, it’s a model nuclear reactor.

Student 1: Heck no, it’s functional: my cousin hooked me up with some uranium that “fell off a truck,” wink, wink.

Teacher: WHAT????!!!!

Student 1: (Pats the reactor) Don’t worry, it’s lead-lined.

Teacher: (Gesturing wildly at the reactor) But – what – why – nuclear – why – fission – but – algebra!

Student 1: Well, the problems you assigned were all to solve for unknown variables, and you’d said we be using this material later in life, so I thought, “What better way to apply this busywork than to make all these equations solve for the components in generating a non-fossil-fuel-dependent energy source?”  Nuclear energy is the key to saving the planet, I’m telling you!

Student 2: (Raises hand) Can you make it have a meltdown?

Teacher: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Student 1: (Laughing) Yeah, that’s the one fly in the green energy ointment here; next step is solving the variables for space vehicles that’ll harvest the hydrogen and helium directly from the Sun without making it go supernova in the process, which should solve all our current planetary crises forever.  (To Teacher) Mind if I hand that in on Monday instead of tomorrow?  I got Drama Club this afternoon.

Teacher: Sit down, please.  (Student 1 drags the reactor to the back of the class as neighboring students tentatively pet it in passing) Now, class: while I admire your enthusiasm and thinking outside the box to apply what you learn in the classroom to real-life situations, I must draw the line at atom-splitting and any other potentially life- and planet-threatening activities, is that clear?

Student 3: (Raises hand) Is it all right if my term project is solving for X to create a never-ending supply of water?

Teacher: While I am tempted to say “Go right ahead,” I fear you would wind up drowning the world instead.

Student 3: Fair enough.

(The bell rings)

Teacher: (As the students leave with the nuclear reactor in tow) Right: tonight I want you all to only complete problems 21 to 40, with just the answers entered next to the equations and no “Show and Tell” demonstrations, please!  (In the empty classroom, Teacher slumps back at the desk to prep for the next class) Everyone says they wish today’s youth were more engaged with the real world, but I don’t think they realize what the results would be.

Story 361: Painting Party With the Masters

 [Disclaimer: Not an accurate depiction of the real-life figures featured]

           (In the back room of a painting party studio, Artist preps for an upcoming event as Manager enters)

            Manager: Hey – your 2:30’s here.  As in all of them.

            Artist: (Freezes) What?!  Already?!  I didn’t even get to stencil the design yet, `cause you still didn’t tell me what they picked, and now you’re saying they’re all here, and it’s not even – (Looks at watch) 2:25?!

            Manager: Relax, you’re gonna like this one.

            Artist: I hate it already!

            Manager: You’ll change your mind when I tell you who they are.

            Artist: The only ones I’ll accept right now are the Dalai Lama and Mother Angelica!

            Manager: Let me back up a bit here: you know how you’re always whining about how you got your master’s degree in fine arts and jobs like these drain your soul more and more each day?

            Artist: I – !...  Did I say that out loud?

          Manager: Frequently.  And you know how when somebody here asked which famous people you’d want to have dinner with, living or dead, and you rattled off a bunch of painters you wish you were and never will be?

            Artist: You certainly remember a lot.

            Manager: Well, since today’s your birthday, that’s just the event that I booked for you.  (Opens the door and pushes Artist into the main room) Have a ball!  (Slams the door)

            Artist: (Stares at the six attendees seated expectantly at the empty easels set up for them) Uh… hello.

            Masters: Greetings.

            Artist: Sorry to keep you waiting – I wasn’t notified ahead of time which painting you would like to do, so if you tell me now we can get started.

          Leonardo da Vinci: (Holds up a postcard featuring The Last Supper) In all modesty, I believe this exquisite masterpiece would be sufficient for our needs.

            Gu Kaizhi: Ha!  That finger painting is unworthy of this gathering.  (Holds up a silk handscroll of Nymph of the Luo River) This, however, is what we should all strive to accomplish this afternoon.

            Georgia O’Keefe: (Holding up a coffee table art book featuring An Orchid on the cover) And I still say you can’t go wrong with the deceptive simplicity of the flower, AKA Nature’s throwing down the gauntlet to see if we can do any better.

            Christy Brown: I disagree: behold my selection.  (Holds up a copy of Boats in the Harbour with his left foot)

           Frida Kahlo: If you want to be conventional about the whole thing, then by all means choose that one; however, if you want true insight into the soul, I suggest you go with this little symbolic masterpiece.  (Holds up a copy of The Two Fridas)

            Chéri Samba: You are all so dull.  (Holds up a copy of Je suis un rebelle)  Clearly this is beyond your abilities but should be a fun exercise, no?

            (They all turn to Artist)

            Artist: Uhhhhh… you can only pick one design for this event.

            (They all toss their works behind them in disgust)

           Leonardo da Vinci: Fine, the majority voted earlier on that spaceship as a backup.  (Points to one of the canvases on display)

           Artist: (Turns to the canvas and moves it to an empty easel on a platform facing the attendees) Um, OK, just make yourselves comfortable and have a snack or something while I stencil the canvases for you.

            (The Masters burst out laughing)

            Frida Kahlo: We have no need for such a child’s tool – the blank canvas is all.

            Artist: OK.... (Distributes blank canvases to each easel) Just give me a few minutes then –

            Gu Kaizhi: Surely you do not need such a child’s tool?

          Artist: (Frozen in the Masters’ judging gazes) …Of course not.  (Sets a blank canvas a bit too hard onto the other empty easel, grabs a palette and brush, surreptitiously wipes sweat off forehead, and clears throat) So, for the background you want to dip your large brush into the black paint and work from the outer edges in.

           Georgia O’Keefe: (Starting to paint) I must say, I was the lone holdout on the extraterrestrial theme.

            Christy Brown: I am sure you can handle the vastness of space that is 90% dark matter anyway.

           Georgia O’Keefe: Exactly – between that and the artificial subject of the piece, where is the Life?!

            Artist: Um, you can use the other colors to add stars if you want.

            Chéri Samba: Way ahead of you; do you mind terribly if I add a supernova in the upper right corner?

            Artist: No-o, go right ahead and add anything you like: this is a casual, fun event where you can do pretty much whatever you want on your artwork.

            Georgia O’Keefe: How about a big ol’ rose on top of the space vessel’s bridge?

            Leonardo da Vinci: Enough with the flowers!  If I cannot have the ideal version of Man in my painting, then you cannot have random buds in yours!

            Georgia O’Keefe: Rude.

          Artist: OK, how about now creating a general outline of the ship, anywhere you like it and however you like it – it doesn’t have to match this.  (Waves the brush at the example canvas)

            Gu Kaizhi: What kind of attitude is that for a teacher to have?  Tell us what to do; don’t be shy!

           Chéri Samba: Actually, we shouldn’t be confined by what others have done before us; we should use the canvas to express our inner souls, and if that means extra thrusters and laser cannons that weren’t on the original painting, then so be it!

            Leonardo da Vinci: Ridiculous!  What’s the point of painting anything if you have nothing with which to compare it, so you can point at yours and say how awesome it is?!

            Frida Kahlo: Coming from someone who pretty much invented the helicopter, you of all people should encourage freedom of the brush stroke!

            Artist: How about we mix some complementary colors a bit to make a nice gray for the ship’s hull?  (Whips colors together frantically)

TWO HOURS LATER

           Artist: (Covered in paint, finishes the work with a flourish) And there we go!  All done!  (The Masters murmur polite praise) Really?  You like it?

            Masters: (Look at each other, turn back to Artist, and shrug) Eh.

            Artist: Oh.  (Recovers) Well, let’s see how your masterpieces turned out, shall we?

            Gu Kaizhi: Don’t be patronizing.

            Artist: Sorry – I’m in class mode.  (Tours the easels and sees that each Master painted their self-portrait, set in outer space)

            Christy Brown: Seems none of us could truly connect with the subject.

            Artist: Then why did you pick it?!

            (Five of them point to Leonardo da Vinci)

            Leonardo da Vinci: Apparently, I live more in the future than any of you ever will.

            Artist: You still only drew yourself!

            Leonardo da Vinci: One day, the ship will be superfluous: humanity itself will be the only vessel needed to journey to the stars.

            Artist: (Tosses the paintbrush into a nearby can and wipes paint-covered hands on a towel) OK, it’s your party; want me to take your picture with your… picture?

            (They all start to remove their canvases from the easels)

          Frida Kahlo: Actually, we must be going – thank you for your time, and I hope you learned something today.

            Artist: I was supposed to teach you!

            Frida Kahlo: Really?  How interesting. 

(They all leave; Artist slumps in a chair, facing the mess waiting to be cleaned)

Manager: (Enters from the back room) Soooo?  How’d you like “teaching” the Masters, tee-hee-hee!

           Artist: (Looks tiredly at the canvas painted that day) Turns out, there really is no right way to do art, and I’ve been doing it wrong this whole time.