Story 628: `Tis the Season for Taxes!

             (On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, whatcha up to on this fine summer’s day?

Sibling 2: It’s still March.

Sibling 1: I said what I said: it’s 80 degrees outside, and I’m wearing shorts and a tank top with the A/C cranked up inside.

Sibling 2: Can’t argue with that.  Whelp, I’m not dressed for the beach, and instead I’m celebrating one of the Rites of Spring in getting all my tax stuff together.

Sibling 1: Oh.  What for?

Sibling 2: For… taxes.

Sibling 1: Why, you owe any?

Sibling 2: Hopefully not this year, but I gotta do them soon since I left it a little late, or else I’ll really owe something.

Sibling 1: What’s the point? 

Sibling 2: “What’s the point?”???

Sibling 1: Yeah, why do double-work?  They’re already taken out of your paychecks for you anyway, right?

Sibling 2: …Are you telling me that you’ve never had your taxes done?!

Sibling 1: Sure I have.

Sibling 2: Oh thank –

Sibling 1: Every paycheck, like I just said.

Sibling 2: ….

Sibling 1: So I don’t get why you’re making more work for yourself when it’s already been taken care of by Payroll.

Sibling 2: I don’t believe what I’m hearing right now.  Are you saying, that in your decades of working life on this planet, you haven’t once filed a tax return?!

Sibling 1: Ooh, they return all the taxes to us?  Wish I’d known about that from the beginning; thanks a lot.

Sibling 2: No, you doofus, you have to report your income to the state and federal government every year and make sure they didn’t over- or under-withhold!

Sibling 1: And why would I do that?  Shouldn’t that be something Payroll should have gotten right the first time?

Sibling 2: Well, ideally, but tax and interest rates constantly change, and there’s also the income from the interest on your bank account, and taxes you paid on loans and other expenses, and the extra income from your never-ending side hustles that never get anywhere, and that one time you actually won the lottery –

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, that was sweet; we had a great family vacation that year, didn’t we?

Sibling 2: Of course, and I’ll treasure the memory always, but ALL OF THAT IS REPORTABLE!

Sibling 1: Jeez, Principal, you make it sound like I’m gonna get detention.

Sibling 2: You’re gonna get the extreme version of that instead!  What about all those times Mom and Dad brought you to their account when you had those part-time jobs in high school?!

Sibling 1: Oh, those?  I thought that was because I was a minor.

Sibling 2: No, numbskull!  Well, partially, but once you graduated adolescence you were supposed to do those on your own!  Every year!  Have you never heard of April 15?!

Sibling 1: Of course I have: the Ides of April, right?

Sibling 2: I wish I could reach through the phone and smack you upside the head right now.

Sibling 1: Rude.

Sibling 2: So in all those years, did you never wonder why you were getting W2 forms from work?!

Sibling 1: Actually yeah, I always did kind of wonder since they don’t apply to me: I’m not a World War 2 veteran, and that was ages ago anyway.

Sibling 2: That’s WW2!

Sibling 1: Oh, right.  Mystery solved, then.

Sibling 2: What about 1040 forms, 1099, 1095, anything?!

Sibling 1: I figured they were all just informational, provided as a courtesy.  Kind of like when you donate to an organization and they send you a summary at the end of the year?  I always wondered how I could claim it on my taxes like they all say I can, since I don’t think work would handle something like that.

Sibling 2: This!  This is how you claim it!  You file your tax return and you itemize your deductions so the donations can count toward your refund!

Sibling 1: …Yeah, that’s a lot of words that mean nothing to me, sorry.

Sibling 2: I think I’m losing my mind right now; so since you clearly haven’t filed anything since you left the nest, in all these years have you never gotten any letters saying you need to pay penalties for all the many, many returns you missed?!

Sibling 1: Well if I did, I probably threw them out like the scams they are: everyone knows that a legitimate organization will never send a letter in the mail and will call you instead.

Sibling 2: The phone call’s the scam – the letter’s the real thing!  Usually.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Then, oops.

Sibling 2: Yeah, “oops”: you probably owe a million dollars in penalties by now, and at least five years in jail!

Sibling 1: No, I mean “oops” in that I thought the call about my vehicle’s warranty was the real thing – guess I gotta cancel all my credit cards now.

Sibling 2: They’ve probably been cleaned out for you already.  Listen, I don’t care what you’re doing today, I’m coming over and going through your stuff and your garbage and try to salvage what we can for this year, then make an appointment with Mom and Dad’s accountant to help straighten out this awful mess, and then throw yourself on the mercy of the powers-that-be and hope that they realize you’re too much of a dolt to waste their time prosecuting you once they’ve gotten their money.

Sibling 1: So rude.  And I fail to understand how it’s their money – I’m the one who earned it!

Sibling 2: You like schools?

Sibling 1: Not particularly, but I dealt with them as a necessary evil.

Sibling 2: You like fire departments?

Sibling 1: Um, sure…?

Sibling 2: Libraries?  Parks?  Law enforcement?  Recycling?  Emergency medical – ?

Sibling 1: OK, OK, why are you changing the subject?

Sibling 2: They’re paid for by taxes!

Sibling 1: Really?  I always thought they were financed by extremely rich people wanting the tax write-off.  Ohhh, I get that now, too.

Sibling 2: Argh!

Sibling 1: Huh.  So that means I’m the boss of all of them, right?  Oh, so that’s why those weirdos say “My taxes pay your salary!” 

Sibling 2: Unfortunately, yes.

Sibling 1: I think I’ll start using that line now, too.

Sibling 2: Please don’t.

Sibling 1: Just once?

Sibling 2: Absolutely not.

Sibling 1: Fine.  So, this was fun: I’m going to doze off in my makeshift cabana now.

Sibling 2: Uh-uh, I’m coming over now.

Sibling 1: Ugh, If you insist.

Sibling 2: Since I’m obligated to at least try to keep you out of prison – yes, I do insist.

Sibling 1: All right, I’ll be lounging in the living room when you get here.  You know, this really is a whole lot of fuss for something that should be completely automated at this point in our digital existence. 

Sibling 2: I’d almost agree with you, but we’ve gone so long with this method that the process of converting to any alternative system is just too exhausting to even think about now.

Story 572: Procrastination Is My New Best Friend

             (In an office cubicle, Coworker 1 types nonstop)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glancing at the time in the computer monitor’s lower right-hand corner, again; through clenched lips) How did I lose THREE HOURS?!!!  (A <DING!> is heard as a new e-mail arrives; Coworker 1 opens the message, scans though it, then leans forward to read it again in disbelief) Another five reports are due?!  When on Earth am I supposed to get those done????!!!!   (Nearly swoons off the chair)

(A voice is heard from above)

Voice: Or you could just, you know, not do them yet.

Coworker 1: (Whips head around in confusion, then looks up to see a figure casually draped across the top of one of the cubicle walls) Huh?

Procrastination: The extra work.  Just don’t do it yet.  Your current work could probably wait, too.

Coworker: Who – are – where – how – ?

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter.  (Nimbly vaults off the cubicle wall to sit on the edge of Coworker 1’s desk) Read the e-mail again – is there a hard deadline?

Coworker 1: (Looks back at the message) Ummm…. (Back to Procrastination) It says “ASAP”.

Procrastination: HA!  That’s just the higher-ups trying to make their problem your problem.  Set it aside; it’ll keep.

Coworker 1: But – what if my boss comes looking for these ASAP?

Procrastination: Then say you’re working on it.  If everyone starts getting antsy, you can add that the projects need to go through a few more iterations before they’re ready for launch; that oughta do it.

Coworker 1: (Starts taking notes and nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh; any other suggestions?

Procrastination: Oh yeah: like I said earlier, whatever you’re working on now, leave it for later.

Coworker 1: But I’ve been working on it all day –

Procrastination: Exactly: it’s probably garbage now, so go back to it when you’re fresh.  Like in a month or so.

Coworker 1: Really?

Procrastination: Yep!  In the wise words of the Bard of Avon, “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow”… will always be there, so why stress out today?

Coworker 1: I… don’t think that’s how the line goes….

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter: go take an hour-long 15, you deserve it!  (Disappears)

Coworker 1: Wha – ?

Coworker 2: (Peeks head around the cubicle opening) Hey: you off the phone now?

Coworker 1: I wasn’t on – never mind; what’s up?

Coworker 2: Just got the word that our self-evaluations are due Friday instead of next month `cause of some system glitch – you do yours yet?

Coworker 1: No.

Coworker 2: Well, I finally finished mine and it took forever, so I’d say hurry up since Friday’ll be here any minute.  (Trots over to the next cubicle to spread the happy news)

Coworker 1: (Looks over at the desktop calendar showing that the current day is Wednesday) Friday, hm?  Plenty of time….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At Coworker 1’s townhouse)

Coworker 1: (Sitting on the couch while talking on the phone) So the drafts through all the windows and doors are getting worse and every floor has got this weird leak going and I have no idea what that smell coming from the laundry room is and don’t get me started on the cracks in the walls that are cutting into the ceilings and I don’t even know where to begin!

Procrastination: (Pops into view on the other end of the couch) Then don’t.

Coworker 1: (Staring at Procrastination as the voice on the other end of the phone starts speaking) I’ve… gotta go.

Voice on the Phone: Wait, you need to get out of there immediately – !

Coworker 1: (Ends the call and drops the phone onto a cushion) All right, I’ll bite: what do you mean, “Don’t”?

Procrastination: Exactly that.  These problems have been there way before you noticed, and they’ll be there for a lot longer before the tipping point of permanent damage, so why worry about them now?  (Holds out a fishing pole) Haven’t you been wanting to go fishing on the lake for AGES?

Coworker 1: (Eyes widening, grabs the pole and runs) FISHING!

Procrastination: (As the front door slams) Heh-heh-heh – sweet.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a banquet hall)

Coworker 1: (Rushing in, sees Coworker 2 standing at a high top table and zooms over) Hi, sorry I’m late, didn’t account for rush-hour traffic, and gave myself nine minutes for a half-hour drive – did I miss anything?

Coworker 2: (Takes a swig of limeade while thinking) Whelp, only Jerry’s retirement speech – and a bunch of the food – and the 50-50 that’s 100% going to Jerry anyway –

Coworker 1: Great, it sounds like I missed most of the whole thing already!  Is the buffet still open at least?

Coworker 2: (Points with the glass) I think the other end hasn’t been taken down yet, so you might get a few mashed potatoes or some spinach or whatever.

Coworker 1: Errrrggghhhhh!  (Starts to dash over there but is stopped by a brief hand on the shoulder from Coworker 2) What?!

Coworker 2: Hate to bring this up, but did you drop off your gift yet?  `Cause I think they’re taking down that table now, too.

Coworker 1: (Smacks forehead) The gift!  I completely put off getting it, then forgot!

Coworker 2: Oh well, maybe you can mail it when Jerry moves to Florida tomorrow, but I don’t think anyone has the address.

Coworker 1: (Slumps onto the table) This just keeps getting more and more embarrassing!

Coworker 2: Yeah, not to rub salt in the wound either, but I think your name came up when Jerry was talking with our boss about those ASAP reports we got assigned a week ago, something about they’re still waiting for yours and it’s holding everything up, I didn’t catch all of it.

Coworker 1: (Lets head drop onto the table and moans into the cloth)

Coworker 2: (Finishes off the limeade and places the glass onto the passing tray of an efficient server) Yeah, hope you did your self-eval before that, heh-heh.

Coworker 1: (Head suddenly lifts) The self-eval!  (Runs out the door)

Coworker 2: (Starts working on a newly arrived plate of tiramisu) Hm – what a mess.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is sitting on the living room floor frantically searching through files in boxes when Procrastination appears ensconced in an armchair)

Procrastination: So!  That looks tedious – how about leave it for another day and watch some more episodes of your new favorite show instead?  You know you want to.

Coworker 1: (Stands and points an accusatory finger at Procrastination) You!

Procrastination: (Points to self) I?

Coworker 1: Yes!  My life is falling apart because of you!

Procrastination: Nonsense: your life was falling apart long before I showed up.  Don’t you feel the stress just melting off now that you’re no longer bound by other people’s arbitrary timetables and deadlines?

Coworker 1: No!  Because of you, I almost got fired; Jerry’s never going to speak to me again, either here or in Florida; the house is still falling apart at a rapidly increasing rate; and because I didn’t do my taxes in time, I’m probably going to jail!

Procrastination: Oh, that’s ridiculous.

Coworker 1: Is it?!

Procrastination: Yes.  You still worry over nothing: they’d charge you penalties for years before jail is ever presented as an option.

Coworker 1: Well!  That’s just a huge relief, now isn’t it!  (Collapses onto the floor, holds head, and makes upset noises into hands)

Procrastination: (Sighs in annoyance and tsks) If you’re going to take that attitude, then this isn’t going to be fun anymore.

Coworker 1: (Sits up suddenly and glares in fury at Procrastination) NO!  KIDDING!

Procrastination: (Stands and brushes hands dismissively) You know, I was trying to do you a favor, but since I can tell that my efforts aren’t appreciated, I’ll go help someone else who actually deserves it. (Disappears)

Coworker 1: GOOD!  Oh, gone.  (Stares at the files scattered on the floor, then feels a drop of water land on head; while brushing it off, looks up to see a new, spreading leak in the ceiling) Maybe I have it all wrong: maybe if I procrastinate forever, this can all become Someone Else’s Problem.