Story 500: Anniversaries

“I just realized: today’s my five-year work anniversary.”

“Really?  You’ve been here that long already?”

“I know, right?  It feels like I started last week, and then whoosh!  Five years flew past my face.”

“I actually didn’t think you’d make it past that first week.”

“Thanks.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Hey, babe?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“Since it’s our 10-year anniversary this year, I think we should do something really special to celebrate, like a trip across the state line, or jumping out of a launching space shuttle, you know?”

“Definitely!  Gotta commemorate the first 10 years of our life sentence, am-I-right?  Heh-heh-heh!”

“Hee-hee, that joke just gets funnier every year!”

“…OK, I’ll stop.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I can’t believe it!”

“Can’t believe what?”

“Today is my 50^th birthday!  Five-zero!  When did that happen?!”

“Today?”

“No, I mean, how did 50 entire anniversaries of my birth go by, and I manage to do absolutely nothing with my life?!”

“Well, I wouldn’t say absolutely nothing – ”

“Don’t patronize me!  Fifty whole years of mediocrity and inertia!  It makes one want to cry out, ‘What is the point of meeeeee????!!!!’”

“Usually I’d be crying that out right along with you, Captain, but ‘Dinner With the Passengers Night’ starts in about 10 minutes and if you keeping going on like this the cruise line might say you’re dampening the party-ship spirit.”

“Oh all right; I’ll pick up this up again when we get back here after dessert.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Wow, that’s amazing.”

“What is?”

“It says here that this statue was erected exactly 100 years ago… today!  What are the odds?”

“Astronomical.  So this statue’s a century old, huh?”

“Yeah; can’t you just feel the age seeping off of it?  The history?  The artistry?”

“Hmmm… doesn’t look at all like the person it’s supposed to, though.”

“I didn’t want to mention it.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“We made it!  Arrived exactly on the day this magnificent tree turns 500 years old!”’

“Wow.  Happy 500^th Birthday, Tree!”

Thank you.

“Who said that?!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“And so, we commemorate the 1,000-year anniversary of the Battle of Hastings, marking the beginning of the current English monarchy, and indeed the British Empire as we know it today, except the Empire is basically back to just the one island again, and the monarchy are mainly figureheads, and the debate on whether the system should stick around or be dissolved completely goes on, but still: 1,000 years, ba-by!  Top that!”

“The Kush Empire lasted over 1,400 years.”

“…Great for them!”

“The Assyrian Empire also lasted over 1,400 – ”

“You from the U.S.?”

“Yeah?”

“Call me when you’ve collectively lasted a few hundred years more, m’kay?”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I just realized: the Earth’s having its 4.55 billionth birthday this year!  Plus or minus 50 million years.”

“Well, technically, the Earth wasn’t born from anything, so it can’t have a birthday.”

“Yeah it was: it was born from the planetary nebula that made the Sun and all the other stuff in our solar system.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Whatever; an anniversary of its existence, then?”

“Sure.”

“OK: the Earth is having its 4.55-Billionth-Plus-or-Minus-50-Million-Years Anniversary this year!”

“Wow.  Makes you realize the true vastness of the universe, and how miniscule and insignificant we really are.”

“Yeah…. What anniversary gift would that year be, you think?”

“I dunno.  Maybe a supernova?”

“Sweet.”

Story 400: Happy Anniversary to Me?

 (Friend 1 is sitting on a chair in the kitchen, staring into empty space, when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Stares at the ringing phone in confusion for a few moments, then answers it) Heeeyyy???

Friend 2: Hiiiii!!!  Happy Birthday!

Friend 1: It’s not my birthday.

Friend 2: …Since when?

Friend 1: We all only ever get one birthday: the rest are just anniversaries, celebrating the day of our birth.

Friend 2: Oh for crying out – Happy Anniversary, then.

Friend 1: Thanks, but it’s a bummer.

Friend 2: Why?  This year you said you wanted to do, and I quote, “Absolutely Nothing,” and it’s not a dreaded milestone like 150 or something.

Friend 1: I know, but it’s making me look back on my steadily accumulating years of life and realize that, yes, I really have done nothing of concrete value in pretty much any of them.

Friend 2: Would you please go volunteer at the animal shelter or literacy center already so this recurring theme’ll finally be a moot point?

Friend 1: I’m too lazy.

Friend 2: Well then, why even bring it up?

Friend 1: I’m also thinking back on my birthdays as a kid –

Friend 2: Ah-ah, don’t you mean “anniversaries”?

Friend 1: I was ignorant of the true meanings of those words at the time.  Anyway: all those fun, unnecessary celebrations.  Why do we make a big deal of the day we were thrust into this cold, uncaring world?  Is it to make up for the other 364 that are horrific?

Friend 2: They’re not always that bad.

Friend 1: Regardless.  Why do we throw destructive parties or fly out to Las Vegas or eat an entire cake or a combination of all these things on the same day in the Earth’s rotation around the Sun just to mark off another year down the drain?

Friend 2: If you want a serious answer, I don’t have one.

Friend 1: It’s just so odd.  Whose idea was it that everyone should want to highlight the day showing you’re one more year closer to death?

Friend 2: If I go back in time to find out, would you shut up about it then?

Friend 1: Maybe.  I just find the whole birthday business a very strange habit.

Friend 2: Well, think of it as having survived another year instead, if that makes you feel better.

Friend 1: It doesn’t.

Friend 2: Then maybe think all the way back to when you were a blissfully ignorant child and actually enjoyed the day without pondering existential dilemmas.  Go play with your toys or swim in a pool or whatever you did way back when.

Friend 1: Any toys I have left are in a storage bin buried somewhere, and the building’s pool is closed this year due to lack of lifeguards.

Friend 2: Argh, fine – chocolate, then.  You still like chocolate, right?

Friend 1: To an unhealthy degree, yes.

Friend 2: Then go get a decadently rich chocolate dessert and celebrate your anniversary with life by treating your taste buds and neurotransmitters to bean-flavored antioxidants.

Friend 1: That sounds like an excellent idea – I have a few tasties tucked away that’ll fit the bill nicely, so I’ll go get them right now!

Friend 2: Good: go to town toasting your long-term relationship with yourself.

Friend 1: I knew I was friends with you for a reason.

Story 357: Finding a Perfectly Adequate Gift Is Hard

            (Friend 1 is talking on the phone while walking through a parking lot) 

            Friend 1: Sorry to cut you off, but I’m almost at the pharmacy now.

            Friend 2: (On the phone) Oh sure, what do you have to pick up if you don't mind me asking?

            Friend 1: Just a gift for a coworker’s birthday – tomorrow.

            Friend 2: I thought you said you were going to the pharmacy?

            Friend 1: I am; this one has the best gifts.  Their candle display is unrivalled!

            Friend 2: …OK, know what you’re gonna get?

            Friend 1: Nah, I figure something’ll hit me when I’m in there.

            Friend 2: Shyeah, OK.

            Friend 1: I don’t like the sound of that.

          Friend 2: It’s just, if you don’t have at least an idea of what type of gift you’re getting, then nothing there will be the right one.

            Friend 1: That’s not true!  I’ll find something perfectly adequate in five minutes, tops!

            Friend 2: Mm-hm: so what does your intended recipient like?

          Friend 1: (Entering the store and heading for the gift section) That’s easy, there’s – hang on – (Walks past multiple displays, touching random items) – water bottle?  No, the office’s already given us a million of these – ooh, comfy socks!

            Friend 2: Uh-huh.  What size does the person wear?

            Friend 1: …Average?  Never look at people’s feet, to be honest.

            Friend 2: Maybe keep looking at the shelves there instead.

          Friend 1: Oh all right.  (Keeps touching random objects) I guess a new wallet would be nice, for… (Turns it over to see the price tag) $60?!  Get outta here!  (Tosses the wallet back onto the display)  I wouldn’t spend that much on one gift for my own blood relative, let alone an almost-stranger!

            Friend 2: OK, maybe move on to another section.

          Friend 1: Sure, sure.  (Walks toward the front of the store) Ooh, maybe this pretty little Halloween witch with a poisoned cauldron and a bloody skull!

            Friend 2: I’d say not.  And nothing Halloween – we just got over Labor Day.

           Friend 1: So? It’s fine to get Halloween things now; I only refused to look at this stuff when they were out right after 4^th of July.

            Friend 2: Ugh.  Maybe no holiday-themed items: this is for a birthday, so no double-dipping.

            Friend 1: Guess a Nativity scene’s out, then?

           Friend 2: No holidays!  Or seasons, for that matter – no “Happy Fall” or “Welcome, Winter” or “Come Back, Summer” or “Where Are You, Spring?” or anything else that detracts from the birthday!

            Friend 1: Fine.  Maybe this huge wine glass with streamers and balloons painted on it’ll do.

            Friend 2: Does the person drink alcohol?

            Friend 1: Doesn’t everybody?

            Friend 2: I don’t!

            Friend 1: Oh right, forgot – heh.

            Friend 2: If you’re not certain, then skip it.  What about a mug for coffee or tea?

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink coffee or tea.

            Friend 2: You can put anything hot in it!

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they drink anything hot.

            Friend 2: Fine – what about bath stuff?

            Friend 1: Don’t know if they take baths.

            Friend 2: [Grinds teeth]

            Friend 1: (Rifles through bath products on a shelf) Ooh, I can get this bar of goat milk soap; that sounds pretty healthy for the skin, right?

            Friend 2: Are you kidding me?!

            Friend 1: Too cheap?

            Friend 2: You don’t give someone bar soap as a present!  Bubble bath, maybe, but not bar soap!

            Friend 1: Still don’t know if they take baths.

            Friend 2: Fine-fine-fine, no bath stuff.  How about the candle display you raved about earlier?

          Friend 1: Ooh, right, great idea!  (Runs to the other side of the store, using a foot to right a display toppling in the slipstream on the way) Let’s see… (Picks up and puts down several candles before settling on one) Yes!  Nice scent, nice size, nice price, perfect!

            Friend 2: Thank goodness.  Bye.

            Friend 1: Oh wait: I think they have seasonal allergies, so scented candles probably would make it worse.

            Friend 2: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh....

            Friend 1: (Sets the candle back onto the shelf and looks towards the store’s front window) Ooh, they have the lottery here!  I’ll just get some birthday scratch-offs!  (Runs to the front of the store, using a foot to right a customer toppling in the slipstream on the way)

            Friend 2: Ugh, that is such a non-gift!

            Friend 1: (Pauses at the front counter) Eh?

            Friend 2: If the tickets are a bust, it’s as if you didn’t give anything!

            Friend 1: Hm.  (Rummages through the various small items for sale on the counter displays)

            Sales Associate: Could you please stop touching everything?!  We have to disinfect all of it after you leave!

            Friend 1: I’m an indecisive shopper!  (To Friend 2) How about impulse-buy chocolate bars?

            Friend 2: (Wearily) Is the person allergic to chocolate?

            Friend 1: Nah, I distinctively remember them scarfing down brownies at the last work birthday.

            Friend 2: Then please grab some of those, stick a bow on `em, and call it a day.

          Friend 1: Sweet!  (Pays for the bars and is hustled out of the store by the employees and other customers)  Thanks for all your help; I would’ve still been in there, wandering the aisles and weeping, for at least another hour.

            Friend 1: I just can’t believe I got sucked into all that without even realizing it.  I hope this coworker’s worth it.

            Friend 1: Not really: they’re mean to everybody and yell a lot, but you know.  Birthday’s a birthday.

Story 343: Epic Birthday Drive-By Party

            (On a park trail)

            Friend 1: Don’t you just love the beginning of Summer?

            Friend 2: Summer doesn’t start for another month.

            Friend 1: No one cares about the “official” date – this is the weekend it actually matters.

          Friend 2: You mean the weekend we’re supposed to be honoring those who served our country?

          Friend 1: That goes without saying – I’m talking about Summer!  Fun in the sun; crowds everywhere there’s water; vacation, vacation, vacation!

         Friend 2: Think that’s a little dampened this year – (Sees a walker on the trail approaching them) masks up.  (Friends 1 and 2 pull up their face masks as the walker passes them; all three nod at each other)

          Friend 1: (As they both lower their masks) You’re being more of a buzzkill than usual – something up?

            Friend 2: Where to start?!

            Friend 1: Besides all that – something new?

          Friend 2: Well, I guess it’s just that I normally don’t care much about my birthday, except this year is a big one and we all were going to go to Vegas –

            Friend 1: Ah, Vegas.

          Friend 2: – and I know there’s so much else going on right now, but I was really looking forward to it and we were supposed to fly out tomorrow morning so we’d be there for my birthday that night, and it would’ve been a lot of fun to see the whole crew together again, and I’m just a little bummed out about the whole thing.

            Friend 1: Hm.  Anything else?

            Friend 2: No, thank goodness.

         Friend 1: (Silent for a few moments) You know, I just got an idea: don’t make any plans tomorrow.

            Friend 2: I already didn’t have any now – what’s up?

            Friend 1: (Evil grin) Oh, you’ll see, mwahahahaha-!

            Friend 2: Knock it off.

            Friend 1: Sorry.  But don’t worry: you’ll love it.

            Friend 2: Why does that make me even more nervous?

THE NEXT MORNING

            Friend 2: (Answering the phone at home) Hi?

            Friend 1: Happy Birthday!  Look outside your front window.

          Friend 2: (Peers through the blinds and sees Friend 1 holding a “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” banner with balloons and waving wildly) Aw, thank you so much!  I’ll be right out!  (Goes outside and sees two beach chairs set up with a cooler and a boombox within reach) You’re so sweet!  You didn’t have to do all this, you know.

            Friend 1: I know – sit down.  (Plants the banner and balloons on stakes in the ground and they both sit on the chairs, facing the street)  Now – (Turns on the boombox to play really loud 80s and 90s music, opens the cooler, takes out two fruit drinks, gives one to Friend 2, and they clink bottles) – they should be here any minute.

            Friend 2: Aw, did you arrange a birthday drive-by party for me, too?

            Friend 1: Maybe.  (Looks at watch) Yes, and now they’re late.

            Friend 2: How did you get anybody with less than a day’s notice?

            Friend 1: They jumped at the chance to do something besides watching TV all day – ooh, here they come!

           (Both stand as decorated, beeping cars slowly drive down the street, everyone inside yelling out birthday wishes)

            Friend 2: (Waving and crying) This is so nice!  Oh look, our Vegas crew!

         Vegas Crew: (Everyone, including the driver, is hanging out the windows) Wooooooo!!!!  Party-party-party-party – (They continue down the street)

            Friend 2: (Sees trucks and flashing lights approaching) Oh no, that fire truck can’t get through with everyone in the way!

            Friend 1: There’s no fire – that I know of – that’s for you.

            Friend 2: What?!  Why?!

            Friend 1: I told them you were a disappointed 5-year-old.

            Friend 2: But that’s a lie!

            Friend 1: Not really – in a sense, aren’t we all disappointed 5-year-olds?

            Friend 2: You – (The fire truck stops in front of the house) Sorry, there’s no kid, it’s just me!

           Firefighter: Eh, we do it for everybody.  Have a lolly.  (Tosses Friends 1 and 2 lollipops as the radio crackles) Whelp, got a real emergency now – (Takes out a megaphone and addresses the line of cars ahead) Everybody, move to your right!  (The line of cars shifts to the right as the fire truck blares its way down the street) Happy Birthdaaaaaaayyyy….

            Friend 2: (Sits back on the beach chair) Wow, that was great, thank you so much for all this!

            Friend 1: (Still standing, squints in the distance and mutters) They said they’d be here….

            Friend 2: Who?

            Friend 1: Aha!  (Points as a tank approaches) That.

            Friend 2: (Stands suddenly) WHAT?!

         (A noisy line of the tank, motorcycles, parade floats, scooters, tractor trailers, gas trucks, oversized load trucks, and a tricycle pass by)

            Friend 2: Who are all these people?!

            Friend 1: Extremely bored citizens.

            Friend 2: My neighbors are gonna freak out with all this – this – (Waves arms at the parade) – hullabaloo!

            Friend 1: Are you kidding?  This is the most excitement they’ve had in months!

           Neighbor: (Standing nearby, clapping and waving at the procession) I’ll say!  This is helping me not miss going to the office every day!

            Friend 2: (To Friend 1) But this is getting to be too much – I hate to say it, but are they going to be done soon?

           Friend 1: Why, got some place to be?  (Turns at the sound of drums) Yesssss!  The circus made it.

            Friend 2: (Also turns) Huh?

          (Clowns juggling, acrobats tumbling, trapeze artists swinging on floats, and a marching band pass by)

            Friend 1: I know clowns aren’t your thing, but they’re part of the package –especially since the animals have all been restored to their natural habitats which, you know, good riddance.

            Friend 2: (Sits back on the beach chair) I think I’m getting sensory overload.

           Friend 1: Well, you’re in luck – you can relax and just tilt your head back, since the jets should be passing overhead any minute now.  (Friend 2’s eyes widen) Don’t worry, this is part of their training exercises anyway so no extra cost to the taxpayers!  (The sound of jet engines is heard overhead as Friends 1 and 2 look up) See, there they are, hiiiiii!!!  (Waves at the sky) I don’t think they can see us, but it feels rude not to.

            Friend 2: (Stands) I never thought I’d say this, but I need to go lie down.

            Friend 1: Hold that thought: they’re all gonna to circle the block one more time.

            Vegas Crew: (Circling the block one more time) – party-party-party-party –

           Friend 2: Everyone’s been so sweet, but I just need to step away from all of it for a minute.  Or a day.  (Trots quickly back into the house)

           Friend 1: (Yelling towards the front door) OK, but not too long: the International Space Station will be dipping down about a mile overhead in 13 minutes, so you’d better rally by then!  (Sits back on the beach chair, opens another fruit drink, and slurps it)

            Neighbor: (Points to Friend 2’s chair) Mind if I sit there for a moment?

            Friend 1: Sure thing – (Neighbor sits in the chair) – drink?

            Neighbor: Don’t mind if I do.  (Accepts a fruit drink and leans back while slurping)

         Friend 1: (Sighs as the tank approaches again) Times like these really make you appreciate the simple things in life.