(On the phone)
Sibling 1: Hey,
what’s up? Shouldn’t you be working
right now, like I’m supposed to be?
Sibling 2: I am,
but I needed to walk away for a few minutes before I threw my computer over a
cubicle wall or something.
Sibling 1:
Heh-heh, know the feeling. It’s quite
liberating, actually; you should go through with it sometime, like when I –
Sibling 2: Yeah,
I don’t think I want to hear the rest of that story: right now I’m sitting at
the outdoor koi pond somebody here had the foresight to install a few years
ago, and I’m slowly being hypnotized by the lazily swimming fish, wishing I
were one of them….
Sibling 1:
Groovy.
Sibling 2:
(Shakes self out of trance) Anyway, I’m calling to check what time you want me
to pick you up for the barbecue on Saturday.
Sibling 1: Which
barbecue on Saturday?
Sibling 2:
(Mini-sighs) Our cousins’ barbecue that you got the invitation for last
month? You said you’d bring the shrimp
ring, and you know how much Grandpa looks forward to that.
Sibling 1: Oh,
you mean our first cousins’ barbecue – I wasn’t sure if you were talking about
that one or our second-cousins-once-removed’s barbecue.
Sibling 2:
Second cousins – ? Oh, well, no, we’re
not going to that one: we got invited to this one first, and they’re closer in
the family tree and distance.
Sibling 1: Well,
maybe you’re not going….
Sibling 2: But
you’re already going to this one.
Sibling 1: One
can go to multiple events in one day, can’t one?
Sibling 2: I
guess, but why?
Sibling 1:
Party’s a party – I never turn down an invitation for free food, drinks, and/or
pool.
Sibling 2: Of
course you don’t.
Sibling 1: So,
while we’re on the subject, I’m gonna need you to save me a parking spot for
when I come back later.
Sibling 2: Oh,
so you’ll only be leaving for a little bit?
Sibling 1:
Wellllll, definite “a little bit.”
Sibling 2: An
hour?
Sibling 1: That
barely covers chips and dip!
Sibling 2: OK,
how long do you need the spot for, then?
Sibling1: Hm,
I’d say a good six hours.
Sibling 2:
What?! The second cousins’ second party
isn’t that far away!
Sibling 1: Oh, I
forgot to mention – after going to their barbecue, I have nine other parties to
make cameo appearances in.
Sibling 2:
(Nearly falls off the bench into the koi pond) Nine other parties?!
Sibling 1: Yeah
– or is it 10? No, nine; I’m losing
track. So, 11 total on Saturday – one
that’s overnight – I’ve got another 10 on Sunday – another that’s overnight –
and then back to work on Monday, yippee!
I’m exhausted already, but whatcha gonna do?
Sibling 2: (Flat
tone) You have 21 parties to attend in two days.
Sibling 1:
Yep! Normally I’d just visit each one
once, but I heard the first cousins’ one on Saturday’s gonna have s`mores at
the end, so I’ll be coming back for those, yum-yum.
Sibling 2: OK,
there’re the two barbecues, so what could all those other parties possibly be?!
Sibling 1: Oh,
you know, the usual: birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, baby showers, baby
sprinkles, wedding showers, wedding receptions, divorce receptions,
retirements, Mitzvahs both Bar and Bat, and a for-real midsummer night party –
supposedly, Titania and Oberon are flying in with their fairy crew on that one,
but I’ll believe it when I see it.
Sibling 2:
Uh-huh. There’s no way one person can
attend that many events in that short a time period, even if they miraculously
were all held within the same geographic area which I’m assuming they’re not –
it’s physically impossible.
Sibling 1: You’d
think so, but I’ve got everything timed perfectly and it’s guaranteed to work
like a charm. Speaking of which, along
with saving me a spot on Saturday, on Sunday could you drive my car from the
train station here to the train station in the city so I can pick it up a
little after 6:05 p.m., please?
Sibling 2: Hold
on: you want me to drive into the city on a Sunday afternoon in the summer?
Sibling 1: Yeah,
I’ll owe you one – want me to pick you up an Italian ice from the baby shower
or a piece of cake from the wedding? You’ll
have to eat it right away, though – word is the temp’s gonna be 103°F all
weekend.
Sibling 2: Wait,
wait: after I bring your car to the train station, how’m I supposed to
get home then?!
Sibling 1: The
train. Oh right – I’ll give you money
for a ticket; how thoughtless of me.
Sibling 2: Why
don’t you just take the train back to your car?!
Sibling 1:
Because at 6:20 I have to be at some club downtown for the retirement party,
and from there I have go to the suburbs for one of the birthday parties for a
quick cake-and-ice-cream before going two states over where no trains are to be
had for the Midsummer Night Party, Part 2: Puck’s Revenge. So, I’ll need my car waiting for me there,
not here, and wind up paying outrageous parking garage fees for the 1.25
hours I’ll be clubbing before I have to move on, but such is life.
Sibling 2: I’m
just surprised there are no funeral repasts thrown in there for good measure.
Sibling 1:
There’s the one, but I thought it’d be tacky to mention.
SATURDAY: PARTY #3
(At the first
cousins’ backyard barbecue)
Sibling 1:
(Bursting onto the scene through the open side gate, bearing aloft a shrimp
ring and wearing a sash reading “CONGRATS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE!”) Howdy, fam!
Relatives:
(Stationed throughout the backyard at tables, lawn games, and the pool; all
raise glasses in salute) Hiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!
Cousin: (Rushes
over to Sibling 1; they air kiss each other as the former grabs the shrimp
ring) Nice to see you – Grandpa was getting antsy. (Rushes to one of the tables and plops down
the shrimp ring before rushing back to the grill)
Grandpa: FI –
NALLY! (Dives in)
(Sibling 2 strolls
over to Sibling 1, holding out an unopened water bottle)
Sibling 2: Glad
you could make it – thought your timing was off and you’d have to skip this
one.
Sibling 1: (Sees
the water bottle and shakes head while stripping down to a bathing suit) No
thanks – nope, everything is right on schedule and this is the only event today
with a diving-sized pool so I’m not wasting another second on personal
greetings, byeeeeeee!!!!! (Kicks off
shoes, runs to the in-ground pool, and belly flops into the deep end, splashing
everyone inside and out)
Sibling 2:
(Shakes head and opens the water bottle to drink from it) Unbelievable. (Walks over to the pool area and leans on the
railing surrounding it; to Sibling 1, who is shaking water out of ears) By the
way, where’d you wind up parking so I can save your spot later?
Sibling 1:
(After swinging head back and forth a few more times) What? Oh – parking’s a nightmare around here so I’m
about five blocks over, jammed between two trucks. I haven’t parallel parked in years; it wasn’t
pretty, let me tell you.
Sibling 2: So
how’m I supposed to save you a spot if there’s no extra room?
Sibling 1: I
dunno; park sideways?
Sibling 2:
(Rolls eyes) And it’s five blocks away?
In this heat?
Sibling 1:
You’re telling me! The shrimp and I
nearly melted on the way here, but at least that was in ice; I was
sweating like a storm cloud! (Nearby
kids in the pool get disgusted looks on their faces and start swimming away)
Oh, like you showered before you came in here!
That’s what I thought.
Sibling 2: I got
a spot right out front and I am not giving that up, for you or for anybody. Except maybe Grandpa: he’s earned it.
Sibling 1: But
you promised!
Sibling 2:
Relax: by the time you get back here, a good percentage of the cars on the
street will have given up and gone home – I’m sure you’ll find something
closer. Maybe even right next to my
car. (Turns to walk back to the tables
and food) Have fun getting all wrinkly in there before your next gig!
Sibling 1: Oh I
will, oathbreaker! (Sibling 2 waves
backward over a shoulder as Sibling 1 leans back to float on the water)
Ahhhhhh, this is the life… (Checks waterproof watch) for the next 35 minutes….
SATURDAY – SUNDAY:
PARTY #11
(In an open
field under a full moon at midnight)
Sibling 1:
(Wearing a toga and drinking mead from a tumbler; to a partygoer wearing a fake
donkey’s head) So, are Titania and Oberon showing up tonight or what?
Partygoer:
(Muffled voice) Doesn’t look like it.
(Gestures to the fake head) I was hoping this get-up would have them
rushing over to resolve everything so all will be well, but nope – we should’ve
thrown-in the mixed-up lovers for good measure but our host thought that
would’ve been “a bit much”. Best we can
hope for is maybe Puck’ll show up tomorrow to give us the what-for.
Sibling 1: Ah
yes: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”
Partygoer: I’ll
say – I haven’t been able to eat a bite all night with this thing on.
SUNDAY: PARTY #18
(In a banquet
hall)
Sibling 1: (In a
business casual outfit, devouring a filet mignon while seated at a round table with
five other guests) Sure, graduation’s great and all that, but wait until the
loans start getting called in – for the rest of your life! (Everyone including Sibling 1 laugh
uproariously, then start weeping silently) Twenty years later; they just don’t
stop. (Sibling 1’s cell phone rings; to
the other guests) Excuse me. (Turns away
from the others to answer the call, sniffling) Hey, what’s up?
Sibling 2:
(Standing on a train station platform) Enjoying the baby sprinkle?
Sibling 1: Graduation
#2, actually – everything OK?
Sibling 2: No,
not really: I’m in the city right now, after delivering your car as promised
–
Sibling 1: Aw,
you’re the best!
Sibling 2:
Hm. So, I’m at the train station, and
wouldn’t you know it: the 100+° weather has melted the infrastructure, and all
trains have been delayed until further notice.
Sibling 1:
(Takes a bit of filet) Gee, that stinks – what time you think the next train’ll
show up?
Sibling 2: I
don’t think you’re listening: all trains have been delayed
until further notice.
Sibling 1:
(Chews for a bit) Oh. So you’re stuck
there, huh? That’s too bad.
Sibling 2:
Here’s the thing: I have a car right here, so I actually can go home right now.
Sibling 1: Oh,
that’s great!
Sibling 2: …It’s
your car.
Sibling 1:
Oh. Right. I need that.
Sibling 2: So,
here’s what I propose we do: I come and pick you up wherever you happen to be
carousing now, and we both go home.
Now.
Sibling 1: Hang
on, I can’t do that, I have… (Counts on fingers) three more events to get to
tonight! (Eyebrows rise in realization)
You could drive me to them…?
Sibling 2: No.
Sibling 1:
C’mon, it’ll be fun! You don’t even have
to drop me off and wait in the car; you’ll go to the parties with me, and we’ll
have a blast! Why didn’t I think of this
earlier?!
Sibling 2: There
are two issues with your sudden burst of inspiration: A: I wasn’t invited to
any of your remaining shindigs, so that’d be rude; and B: I have a date tonight
with either Elizabeth Bennet or Gilgamesh; I haven’t made up my mind who I’m in
the mood for yet.
Sibling 1: Nerd. Those two can wait forever: tonight’s to-dos
are one-night only! And the people
running them won’t care if there’s one extra person – they’ll actually thank
you for being there to take their food so they won’t have leftovers since
there’s always more than can be eaten at these things and no one wants it to go
to waste!
Sibling 2:
(Sighs, wiping sweat off of brow) Three more parties, you say?
Sibling 1:
Yes! Next one’s a retirement after 60
years, so you know it’s gonna be wild!
Sibling 2: All
right: I’ll bring you to that one, and if I can’t take it anymore when your
allotted time is up, we’re going back home, got it?
Sibling 1:
Absolutely! But you won’t want to go
home at that point, I guarantee it!
Sibling 2: Yeah,
OK, text me the address where you are now, bye.
(Ends the call, flinching when the voice on the station platform’s
loudspeaker announces the same lack of updates from five minutes prior)
Sibling 1:
Yessss!!!! (Texts the banquet hall’s
address while turning back to the table, where the other guests are staring
back in anticipation) My ride.
Guests: Ah. (They all return to eating)
SUNDAY: PARTY #19
(Sibling 1 and
Sibling 2 enter a club where the low lights are flashing, the deep music is
thrumming, and the guests on the dance floor are bouncing)
Sibling 2: This
is the retirement party?!
Sibling 1: I
know, right?! Best Vice President of
Sales ever, woooooo!!! (Raises arms and
joins the crowd on the dance floor; Sibling 2 shrugs and does the same)
SUNDAY – MONDAY:
PARTY #21
(In an open
field under a full moon at midnight)
Sibling 1:
(Wearing a toga again, holding a tumbler in one hand and holding out another to
Sibling 2) Mead?
Sibling 2:
(Stares at it, then at Sibling 1) I’m driving right after this!
Sibling 1: …Oh
yeah. (Shrugs, then tries to drink out
of both tumblers at the same time but spills the mead instead) Oops.
Sibling 2:
(Shakes head) You’re hopeless. So,
what’re we all waiting in a creepy circle for?
(Gestures to the partygoers standing in a large circle)
Sibling 1:
(Leans in conspiratorially) We’re waiting to see if Puck makes an appearance
tonight with his magic and wonder, `cause apparently he’s the one who’ll make
this party and without him it’ll be pretty dull and probably over in the next 10
to 15 minutes.
Sibling 2: Ah, I
get it: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”
Partygoer:
(Wearing the donkey head again, points to Sibling 1) Hey, that’s what you said
last night!
Sibling 1: I
sure did! (To Sibling 2) See? I can nerd with the best of them.
Sibling 2:
(Smiles affectionately at Sibling 1) OK.
(They stand in silence for a few moments) I have to admit, tonight was a
lot more fun than I thought it was going to be, so even though it wasn’t
originally on purpose, thanks for bringing me along.
Sibling 1: My
pleasure. (Tries to drink from both
tumblers again and fails again) I’ll get this right some time tonight.
Sibling 2: So
how did you get invited to so many parties all at once, anyway?
Sibling 1:
(Shrugs) Dunno – guess I just network a lot, and can’t say “No” when it comes
to a good time.
Sibling 2:
Clearly. (A bright lights appears in the
middle of the circle) What the blazes is that?!
(A person who
looks like a satyr appears in the middle of the circle as the partygoers cheer)
Sibling 1: (Grabs
Sibling 2’s shoulder and jumps repeatedly in excitement, spilling more mead)
It’s Puck! He’s actually here – this is
AWESOME!
Puck: (Spreads
arms wide open to receive the crowd’s adulation) Let’s get this party started,
my midsummer night’s dreams! (Whips out
a boom box from thin air and starts playing 90’s dance music while almost
everyone else gathers closer to do the same bouncing that the club guests were
doing)
Sibling 2:
(Staring in shock at the scene) I think… this is officially the weirdest night
of my life.
Sibling 1:
(Tosses the empty tumblers onto a nearby table and drags Sibling 2 into the
circle to dance) If that’s the case, then we’ve really gotta hang out together
more often!
