Story 653: Haunted Halloween Party: A Crossover Event!

            (In the dark of night (7 p.m.), a pale hand raps sharply on the front door of a house)

Friend 2: (Opens the door dressed as a Medieval-era archer, complete with bow and quiver of fake arrows; takes a look at the ghastly figure standing in the doorway) Oh… my….

Sibling 2: (Dressed as a very Victorian-era vampire, complete with fangs and an attempt at a stereotypical accent) Good evening – gak – (Takes out the fangs and pockets them) Can’t talk through these things.  Nice costume!

Friend 2: Thanks!  I got it for the Renaissance Faire this year, so I figured, why not Halloween too?  (Gestures to Sibling 2’s costume and pale makeup) You certainly did a good job yourself.

Sibling 2: Thanks!  (Whips the cape around a bit) I normally don’t dress up at all, but this year I suddenly got the urge out of nowhere to go all-out.  (Thinks for a moment) Oh no, is this what a mid-life crisis feels like?!

Friend 2: Probably.

Sibling 2: (Shakes it off) Oh well.  So, you two ready to go?

Friend 2: I think so.  (Turns to the side and opens mouth to yell for Friend 1 but sees the latter already is standing there) Oh, there you are.

Friend 1: (Dressed in 1980s-style clothes and 1980s-style hair) I’ve always been here.  (To Sibling 2) Hey Dracula, if your costume’s too convincing no one’ll invite you in.

Sibling 2: I’ll take that as a compliment.  So, what are you supposed to be?  80s Rockstar?

Friend 1: Time Traveler.  I culturally appropriated my own past and brought it forward to my present future.

Sibling 2: Sounds… unnecessarily complicated.

Friend 1: (Grins maniacally) Excellent.

Friend 2: OK, let’s head out before it gets much later and the party’s over by the time we get there.  (Shoos the other two away from the front door and locks it)

(The three go to the car that is waiting on the street in front of the house; Sibling 1 is in the driver seat, very hairy and wearing regular clothes)

Sibling 1: (Rolls down the front passenger side window to yell out) Awesome!  It’s Robin Hood and Punk Marian!

Friend 1: (Sitting in the back seat with Friend 2 as Sibling 2 sits in the front passenger seat and they all buckle up) Not quite.  (Leans around the driver seat to get a better look at Sibling 1) And what are you, a werewolf?

Sibling 1: (Signaling to pull out onto the street) HA!  You’re the thirtieth person this month who’s said that – I just haven’t cut my hair or shaved in ages, cheapest costume ever!  Aoooooo!!!  (Accelerates into traffic)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1 as the car winds through twists and turns in a hilly part of town) Now, you’re sure there’s no fee or food or anything else we’re supposed to bring to this party tonight?

Sibling 1: Nope!  Just yourself!

Friend 1: Wait, I thought this was being thrown by friends of yours?

Sibling 1: (Shrugs) Ehhhhh….

Friend 2: Do you even know the people who are hosting this party?!

Sibling 1: (After a few moments) Ehhhhh….

Sibling 2: Hold on, how’d you even find out about this, then?

Sibling 1: I told you, the flyer!  (Tosses a flyer that was on the center console to Sibling 2) It very clearly says all are welcome!

Friend 2: (Leans forward, holding out a hand to Sibling 2) Can I see that?

Sibling 2: (After peering at the colorful flyer, hands it back over the seat to Friend 2) Sure.  (To Sibling1) I thought these were friends of yours from school.

Sibling 1: Maybe.

Sibling 2: “Maybe”?!

Sibling 1: Well, you know, it’s a small world – the odds of my knowing at least one person there are extremely high.

Sibling 2: All right, I think we should turn the car around and go home.

Sibling 1: What?  Why?

Sibling 2: We are not going to a party at some strangers’ house and finding out that we’re now the entertainment!

Sibling 1: Calm down, it’s nothing like that – it’s a community event or something.

Sibling 2: What?!

Friend 2: (Reading from the flyer as Friend 1 leans over to peer at it) It does say “Haunted Halloween Party – All Souls Welcome – Raising Awareness for Local Cemetery Renovation – ”

Friend 1: (Sits back) I’m in.

Sibling 2: (Wary) OK.  And it’s not asking for donations?

Friend 2: (Flips over the flyer then back to the front) Not that I can see.  Doesn’t mean they won’t ask when we get there, though.

Sibling 1: (To Sibling 2) C’mon, what’ve we got to lose?

Sibling 2: Whatever cash we have on hand and our home address to every non-profit in the area.  (After Sibling 1 pouts in Sibling 2’s direction) Fine – don’t make me regret this.

Sibling 1: Yes!  And I never regret anything!

Sibling 2: I’m painfully aware of that.

(Several minutes later, they arrive at a multi-story, narrow, creaking wooden house that has lights, music, and voices blaring out of it)

Friend 1: Now that’s a happening spot.

Sibling 1: (Leaning across Sibling 2 to see better while parking the car) Whoa, this is so cool!  (Points to something flying nearby) Look, they even brought in actual bats!  (Elbows Sibling 2) Your brethren, eh?

Sibling 2: Hilarious.  (Opens the door, followed by the others)

Friend 1: (As all four gather on the front lawn) I say, we do a circuit of the joint, and if the vibes are too creepy, we immediately exit.

Friend 2: That’s so rude!

Friend 1: What’s your point?

Sibling 2: I think that’s an excellent plan – let’s go.

(The four go up the squeaking steps to a porch covered in cobwebs; Friend 1 grabs the ornate dragon’s head door knocker and slams it several times)

Friend 2: Easy there.

Friend 1: I really think that magnitude of knocking is encouraged.

(The door is slowly opened – inside, there is someone wearing a white sheet with two eye holes cut out)

Ghost 1: (Gasps) Living Souls!  Welcome, friends, to the Haunted Halloween Party, wooooo!

Sibling 2: Yeah, just to be clear, is there a cover charge or anything like that?

Sibling 1: (Mutters) So uncouth.

Ghost 1: Not at all!  Your – presence, is enough for our revelries, woooo, woooo!  (Drifts aside and gestures with part of the sheet to the inside of the house) Please: I – invite – you all in!

Friend 1: (To Sibling 2 as they all go inside) I stand corrected.

Sibling 2: Hardy-har-har.

(They enter a dark hallway that is much quieter than the outside sounded; a grandfather clock ticks loudly nearby and a lone candle flickers on a small table)

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of silence, turns back to Ghost 1) So, what’s on the menu?

(The front door slams shut, blowing out the candle and plunging the hallway into complete darkness; after flinching at the sound, all four take out their cell phones and turn on the flashlight feature, swirling them around – Ghost 1 is nowhere to be seen)

Sibling 2: OK, I’m going to give the benefit of the doubt and say there’s a trap door somewhere, but another stunt like that and I’m outta here.

Friend 2: Good idea.

Friend 1: Party poopers.

Friend 2 and Sibling 2: Survivors!

Sibling 1: Jinx!

(The grandfather clock suddenly BONG!s loudly for the 8:00 hour, making all four jump and briefly scream)

Sibling 2: Yep, that’s it!

Friend 1: That doesn’t count – it really is 8:00.  (Turns cell phone around to show Sibling 2 the time)

Sibling 2: Fine: one more another stunt.

Friend 1: (Turns around to the other end of the hallway) Besides, now that I’ve gotten used to this, I can see a light under the door ahead, so let’s get going!  (Walks to the door, opens it wide, and reveals a full-on party going on inside; turns back to the other three and gestures to the party) See?

Friend 2: (As they all turn off the flashlight feature, pocket their phones, and enter the large room) All right, but the vibes here are definitely… off.

Sibling 1: I know, isn’t it great?!

(Halloween-type spooky music is playing loudly through speakers in a large room that is decorated ornately in a classic English-manor style)

Friend 1: (To Sibling 2) Well, you certainly fit right in with the furniture.

Sibling 2: Remind me to laugh next year.

(The other guests are dressed in sheets like Ghost 1, have various weapons sticking out of them, having missing body parts, and/or are various shades of pale.  All are dancing and do not notice the newcomers)

Sibling 1: (After looking around for a few moments) Neat – now where’s the buffet?  (Walks away to search for a table)

Friend 2: (To Sibling 2) I’ll keep an eye out.  (Follows Sibling 1)

Sibling 2: Thanks.  (Suddenly notices that Friend 1 has started dancing with the spooky music and hisses) What are you doing?!

Friend 1: (Waving arms in the air) Well, this is a Halloween party, isn’t it?  Not here to just stand around waiting for who-knows-what!

Sibling 2: You were the one who wanted to do a circuit and leave!

Friend 1: Yeah, but when the spirit moves you – get it?  (To a passing sheeted guest) Hey, should we grab a sheet somewhere to really party in this joint, or what?

Ghost 2: No need, Living Soul.  (Drifts on by)

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Starts doing more intricate dance moves; to Sibling 2) You gonna join in, or what?

Sibling 2: (Sighs and looks around the room) Where is the buffet?  (Stops a passing guest wearing a regular outfit) Excuse me: is there an area where we can get something to eat here?

Ghost 3: (Looks Sibling 2’s costume up and down and scornfully scoffs) Real tasteful, pal.  (Turns away, revealing two fang marks on the neck)

Sibling 2: Hm.  Hardcore.  (Looks around the room again for a few moments, then darts over to Friend 1 who is still dancing) I don’t see them anymore.

Friend 1: (Waving hands in front of eyes) Who, the ghosts?

Sibling 2: No – my family and your friend!  They disappeared!

Friend 1: Must have found the happening after-life party downstairs, then.

Sibling 2: Or, they got taken by some weirdo up here!  Come on!  (Grabs Friend 1’s arm)

Friend 1: (Gracefully slides arm away with a final flourish) Thanks, but I can walk myself.  (The two cross the crowded room and see a closed door on the other side)

Sibling 2: They didn’t go past me, so they must have gone out here.

Friend 1: You’d be surprised: I once thought the same thing couldn’t happen, and it turns out the person was sitting tucked away in a corner the entire time.  It was so embarrassing.

Sibling 2: (Looks around the room again) Not the case here!  Let’s go!

(They open the door, go through, and are surrounded by immediate silence and darkness again as they door swings shut behind them; both take out their cell phone flashlights and tentatively walk forward)

Friend 1: Heh, could you imagine if this was pre-2007-ish and we didn’t have these multi-purpose devices that not only make a phone call but also light our way?  What would we have done then?

Sibling 2: Sat down and cried?

Friend 1: Sounds like the next best thing.

(They crash into a staircase leading up)

Friend 1: (Gestures forward) After you!

Sibling 2: How chivalrous.

(They ascend a flight and arrive in a long hallway dimly lit by candelabras on both walls; they turn off the flashlight feature and pocket the cell phones, then stare down the carpeted hallway filled with doors and family portraits)

Friend 1: (Whispering) Are those pictures of all the dead people here?

Sibling 2: (Whispering) I wouldn’t doubt it.

Friend 1: (Whispering) Neat.  Well, I’m not wasting time searching all these rooms.  (Cups hands around mouth) HELLO?!  (Voice echoes down the hallway)

Sibling 2: Sssshhhhh!!!!   What’d you do that for?!

Friend 1: Saving time – I highly recommend it.

(A door slowly and creakily opens halfway down the hallway)

Sibling 2: Oh no – this is it – this is how I go – oh no –

Friend 1: (Bouncing up and down in place, hands clasped together in anticipation) Ooh, here comes the haunting, yay!

(A glowing figure, shoulders-down only, floats out of the room, wearing an old-fashioned dress and holding a head)

Ghost 4: (Echoey) Haaaaave you seeeeeen my heaaaaaad?

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and shakes own head back and forth) Mm-mm.  (Collapses in a faint)

Friend 1: (Disappointed in both Sibling 2 and Ghost 4) Hang on, you’re holding it – right there.  (Points to the head in hands)

Ghost 4: ...Oh yes, so I am.  (Puts head back on shoulders) Cheers.  (Disappears)

Friend 1: Hee-hee, I helped a ghost!  Don’t know how I feel about that.  (Looks down at Sibling 2 and starts helping the latter stand up) C’mon, sleepy head, it’s time to stalk the living, mwahaha!

Sibling 2: (Wakes up while being hauled up and twitches to spin around in a circle) Where, where’d the, where’d the-the-the – where’d go?!

Friend 1: I dunno, back to the underworld or Heaven or somebody’s attic, I guess.  Speaking of which, wanna go up another floor and see who else shows up?

Sibling 2: No!  And you know something?  (Reaches into a pocket) I’m really annoyed – (Takes out the cell phone and navigates through the contacts) that I didn’t think of this earlier.  (Listens to the phone ringing)

Friend 1: Oh good – for a second there I thought you were going to say you were annoyed at me.  I’m used to it, though.

Sibling 2: (On hearing the line open) Great – glad you picked up – you OK?  Where are – ?

Sibling 1: (Static-riddled voice, with Friend 2 heard screaming in the background) OH NO… DYING… SAVE US… PLEASE… HELP!

Sibling 2: (Freaking out while Friend 1’s eyes widen in horror) Oh no, where are you, just tell me, please!

Sibling 1: (Static-riddled voice) NO… MORE… HELP!

Friend 2: (Static-riddled voice from farther away) BASE… DOWN… STAIRS… HELP!

Friend 1: Basement, let’s go!

Sibling 2: (As the screams continue on the phone) Wait, we can’t just run in there with no weapon and no back-up and no nothing!

Friend 1: Sure we can!  They’ll never see it coming!

Sibling 2: Maybe, but we’d also probably be caught ourselves!  We need to call the police!

Friend 1: Go right ahead, but you can’t arrest the dead!  (Runs downstairs, cackling)

Sibling 2: I suppose not.  (Runs after Friend 1, yelling into the phone again) Hang in there, buddy, we’re comin’ to get you!

Sibling 1: (Static-riddled voice) STOP… PLEASE… CAN’T… TAKE… MORE!

Friend 2: (Static-riddled voice) MADNESS… TOTAL… MADNESS!

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 burst back into the main party room)

Friend 1: (To a guest with dueling swords sticking out of several body parts) Basement?!

Ghost 5: Oh, Living Souls, it is not your time to descend to that plane yet.

Friend 1: I don’t care!  We have to save our family and friends!

Ghost 5: (Sadly points to a nearby door) I am afraid that no one can save them now –

Friend 1: (Pushes past Ghost 5) Great-thanks-bye!  (Flings open the door and runs down the narrow stairs, followed by Sibling 2)

Ghost 6: (Floats over to Ghost 5) I never noticed when I was one of them, but the Living really can be so rude, you know.

Ghost 5: (Staring after the open basement door) So rude.  (Both turn as a loud banging is heard) And here comes more of them!

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 trip their way down the stairs, nearly falling to the bottom as they spill out of the staircase and onto the basement floor; the entire room is glowing with a green light)

Friend 1: (Holding up the cell phone with the flashlight facing the room) Unhand them, you beasts!

Sibling 2: (Holding up the fangs in one hand while still holding the cell phone in the other) Back off, or I start biting!

(Friend 2, Sibling 1, and Ghosts 7-10 are sitting in a circle on the floor, facing a board game with dice and cards in the center; they all have been watching the staircase ever since the door upstairs banged open and the ruckus started)

Sibling 1: Oh hey guys, you found us!

Friend 2: Sorry I didn’t think to call you earlier – we got a little caught up with the action here.

Friend 1: (Gently places the cell phone back into a pocket, flattens back a hairsprayed hunk of hair, and shakily walks toward the group) What – the blazes – is this?!

Sibling 2: A cross between poker, bingo, baccarat, and something else I never heard of – it’s absolutely fascinating.  (To Sibling 2, sheepishly) Turns out this is a fundraiser after all, but completely voluntary.

Friend 2: Yeah, I didn’t bring any cash but they let me play anyway.  It’s not been my lucky night though, as you may have heard earlier.  (Rolls the dice) Aw, nuts – fours again!

Ghost 7: (To Friend 2) I am still rooting for you.

Friend 2: Appreciate it.  (Moves a game piece into a penalty spot on the board)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1, coolly) It had sounded very much like you both were in trouble.  (Briefly looks over at the light machine that is slowly changing the room from green to pink) BIG trouble.

Sibling 1: Well, we are: I’m out 50 bucks and climbing, but it’s all for a good cause, am-I-right?

Ghost 8: (To Sibling 1) Yes, we appreciate the new front gate that your contribution is helping to purchase.

Sibling 1: Anytime, my friend.  (Starts turning over cards and placing certain ones on the board)

Friend 1: So, this is the haunted house?!  A bunch of ghosts inviting the living to pay for their eternal rest renovations?!

Ghost 9: (Looks at Ghost 7, Ghost 8, and Ghost 10, and they all nod in agreement; turns back to Friend 1) Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Ghost 10: (Floats over to Friend 1 and Sibling 2) Care to join us?  Buy-in is $5, or you can play for free but then you do not get to keep any of your winnings.

(Friend 1 and Sibling 2 stare at the group, then at each other, then shrug and join the circle on the floor)

Sibling 2: (To Sibling 1) If you cheat, I’m taking the car and you’re walking home.

Sibling 1: Fair enough – I need the exercise, and people’ll think I’m a wild animal and leave me alone.

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) You OK?  You’re still looking concerned.

Friend 1: Just trying to figure out something.  (To Ghost 7) Got any snacks down here?

Ghost 7: Of course. (Gestures to a buffet table full of finger foods in a far corner) We have not forgotten what it was like to be Living Souls ourselves, but we do prefer you all come down here for our games instead of just dancing all night long upstairs.  What would be the fun in that?

Friend 1: (Jumping up with Sibling 2 to run to the food) Decided: best Halloween Party ever!

Story 582: Leftover Finisher for Hire

 [Commercial]

(Scene of a large house party; everyone is standing or sitting around with plates of food, and there are lots of tables filled with even more food)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is hosting parties for your family and friends getting you down?

(Scene of a long table filled with trays and plates of food that were left behind, and one person standing helplessly in the midst of a pile of containers to cram everything in)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is having to store pounds and pounds of uneaten food just no fun anymore?

(Scene of someone trying to fit several bursting containers into an overflowing refrigerator before dropping them all and slowly sinking to the floor, weeping)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is having the same dinner for the next week-and-a-half just too darn boring?

(Scene of a family seated at a dining room table as Parent sets down several bowls for everyone to serve themselves)

Child: Aw, leftovers again?

Parent: (Whirling on Child while spewing flames) EAT IT AND LIKE IT!!!!

(Leftover Finisher appears in the dining room)

Leftover Finisher: Well, fret no more, my lovelies: leftover crises will be a thing of the past once you call me, Leftover Finisher, to solve all your extra-food woes!

Family Members: That sounds amazing!  How can it be?

Leftover Finisher: It’s easy!  Just give me a call at the number below – (Points to a telephone number flashing on the bottom of the screen) before the big event, let me know what time you expect to finish dinner, and I’ll take care of the rest!

Family Members: Awesome!  Tell us more!

Leftover Finisher: If you insist!  For the super-low price of $99.99 per hour, I’ll come to your house/apartment/cabin/banquet hall/campsite/any location whatsoever, and I will eat all the leftover food so you don’t have to put away a single drop!  Specialties include: (A bullet point list scrolls down the screen) Thanksgiving turkeys; seven fishes; potato pancakes; any and all salads; lasagna; hamburgers and hot dogs; lima beans; and so much more!  You name it, I’ll eat it; and the more I eat, the less you have to stress over how to shove in all that extra sustenance!

Parent: But Leftover Finisher, what about dessert?!

Leftover Finisher: I’m glad you asked!  As I like to say, there’s always room for dessert!  Specialties include: (A bullet point list scrolls down the screen) birthday cake; fruit cake; cupcake; ice cream; sorbet; frozen yogurt; tiramisu; baklava; icing; frosting; and so much more!

(Cut to Leftover Finisher standing at the head of the table, surrounded by the now-standing Family Members)

Leftover Finisher: So don’t wait!  Act now, and if I don’t finish off all your leftovers before midnight, I’ll pack up what’s left in my own containers at no extra cost!  This is a limited-time offer, folks; you can’t beat these deals!

Child: (Tugs on Leftover Finisher’s sleeve) I have a question.

Leftover Finisher: (Turns to Child) Yes, good citizen!

Child: Why should we pay you to eat all this extra food, when we can give it to hungry people for free?

Leftover Finisher: (Stares at Child for a few moments, then turns back to the camera) So call now!

Story 579: Uninvited Guests

             (In a house, family members gather to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they go back to work and school)

Relative 1: (Using pot holders to take a bowl of cheese dip out of the oven and transfer it to Relative 2’s waiting hands) Put this on a trivet inside, please – and make sure no one eats it for at least five minutes or else their entire mouths’ll burn up.

Relative 2: (Hugs the bowl of dip with the pot holders) Oh I won’t.  (Smiles down at the bowl and licks lips on the way to the appetizer table in the living room)

Relative 1: Probably shouldn’t have trusted it to that one.  (Shoves a roasting pan into the oven and sets the timer just as the doorbell rings) I’LL GET IT!  (Runs to the front door and flings it open) Hiiiiiii!!!!!

Relative 3: (Holding a covered tray) Hi, thanks for inviting me!  What’s the occasion again?

Relative 1: (Keeping the door open as Relative 3 steps into the house and they hug) Oh, you know: we’re between major holidays; I need to host a get-together every few weeks or I’ll just burst; that old story.

Relative 3: (Hands over the tray) Well, I made cupcakes for later.

Relative 1: Yum.  (Closes the front door with a foot while peeking under the tray’s cover)

Relative 3: (Takes off a coat) I’m going to drop this off with the mountain of others in somebody’s bedroom, and then eat one of everything that’s out there; oh yeah, and say “Hi” to everybody and whatnot.

Relative 1: Please do.  (Yells toward the living room where the guests are all lounging) There better not be any food left lying around by the end of the night, you hear me?!

Relatives: (Murmurs of assent)

Relative 3: (Emerging from somebody’s bedroom after dropping off the coat) On it!  (Zooms into the living room)

Relative 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Turns away from the living room and suddenly sees three individuals had arrived after Relative 3, unnoticed by both) Who the blazes are you?!

Virus 1: Hey, how ya doin’ – we’re with the one who just came in.  (Gestures to Relative 3 hugging and kissing everyone in the living room)

Relative 1: What?!

Virus 1: `Scuse us.  (Goes to the living room, followed by Virus 2 and Virus 3)

Virus 2: (To Relative 1) Nice place you got here.  (Proceeds to touch all the doorknobs, light switches, and furniture)

Virus 3: (Lifts the cover of the tray that Relative 1 is holding, grabs a cupcake, and consumes it sloppily; through the crumbs) Thanks.  (Follows Virus 2 and Virus 3 into the living room)

Relative 1: (Frozen as the party continues) Nooooo….. (Tosses the tray onto a side table and walks slowly into the living room)

Virus 1: (Plops onto the couch between two relatives watching the television and hugs them close to each side) So!  How’s the game goin’?

Relative 4: Awful, as usual.

Relative 5: I don’t even know why we still watch these things; we always feel worse afterward.

Virus 1: That’s nice; you just keep on gazing at the magical screen and pay no attention to anything else here.  (Rubs their faces soothingly)

Virus 2: (After touching everything in the living room, crouches down to where several children are playing a board game) Neat!  Can I play?

Relative 6: Sure.

Virus 2: Thanks!  (Takes all the game tokens, jumps them around the board haphazardly, and gives them back to the players) There!  I win!

Relative 7: (Staring at the token in hand) I think you’re right.

(Virus 3 spreads cupcake crumbs all over the place while wandering over to where Relative 3 is chatting with Relative 2 next to the bowl of cheese dip)

Relative 3: If you want it, go for it; that’s what I always say.  I’ve lived by that motto for years and it’s never steered me wrong so far.

Relative 2: (Nodding in awe) Uh-huh.  (Shouts to Relative 8 who is sitting in an armchair) You hear that?  Yet another argument for me to run away and join the circus!

Relative 8: (Without looking away from the television) You do that, you’re not getting another dime outta me ever again.

Relative 2: (After a moment, turns back to Relative 3) So how do you go about not wanting things?

Relative 3: Well I –

Virus 3: (Reaches between Relative 2 and Relative 3) Don’t mind me.  (Scoops out a bunch of the cheese dip and ingests it lovingly) Mmmm – perfection.

Relative 2: (Staring at the dip in horror) Whaaaaaaaat is going on?

Relative 1: (Points an accusatory finger at Relative 3) YOU!

Relative 3: (Points an accusatory finger at self) Me?

Relative 1: You brought in these clowns – (Waves arms around to take in Viruses 1, 2, and 3 spread throughout the room) and now we’re all gonna get sick!  Horribly, grossly sick!

Relative 3: No I didn’t – I’ve never seen them before in my life!

Relative 1: HA!

Relative 3: OK, maybe they do look a little familiar –

Virus 1: We first me in `84.

Virus 2: `85.

Virus 3: `93.

Virus 1: `93 too.

Virus 2: Again in `98.

Virus 3: `01, `02, `03 –

Relative 1: ENOUGH!  (To Relative 3) Now I’m sure you had no idea that you had some hitchhiking freeloaders when you came here today –

Virus 1: Hey!  I’ll have you know that our parasite-host relationship is entirely to everyone’s mutual benefit!

Relative 1: (Turning on Virus 1) What do you think a parasite is?!

Virus 1: …Oh yeah, right; never mind.  (Pats the now-dozing Relative 4 and Relative 5 on the heads as Virus 2 and Virus 3 continue to circulate among the other Relatives in the room, invading their personal space and handling their food and drinks)

Relative 1: (Turning back to Relative 3) This is a disaster!

Relative 3: Hey, it’s not like I knew they were coming with me today; they gave me no notice, and I feel fine!  (Stomach growls; in a small voice) Would you excuse me for a minute?  (Runs to the bathroom and slams the door shut)

Relative 1: (Glares after Relative 3, then turns back to the living room) Unbeliev – WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!

Viruses 4 – 10^300000000: (Perched on every open space and person in the room) Hi there!

Relative 2: (In a corner, hugging the bowl of dip while sliding to the floor in the midst of all the Viruses) Mine… it’s mine….

Relative 1: But where did they all come from?!

Virus 1: Oh, us: once we’re all settled we like to fill up the space, spread the joy, know-what-I’m-saying?

Virus 2: It’s kind of our thing.

Relative 6: (Tugs on Relative 1’s shirt, sniffling exaggeratedly) Does this mean we don’t have to go to school tomorrow?

Relative 1 Ew – yes.  (Grabs all the tissues in the house and distributes them to the humans)

Relative 8: (Taking a tissue) Uh, thanks, but I don’t need it.

Relative 1: Oh, you will.  (Runs out of the living room again)

Virus 3: (Gently poking a cat sleeping on a pillow) Hey, this one’s rejecting me, no fair!  (Cat opens one eye, yawns at Virus 3, turns around, and falls back asleep) Wow, what a pro.

Relative 1: (Runs back into the living room with multiple bottles of disinfectant spray and begins hosing down everyone and everything with chemicals) Begone, demons!  (Nothing happens)

Virus 1: (Gets up from the couch to stretch out across the appetizer table) You know, the damage is already done, so you might as well enjoy the rest of your party – two or three days from now is when the fun really begins.

Virus 2: (Gently rotating on top of the ceiling fan) Yeah, you all have fun; you won’t even know we’re here! 

Virus 3: (Breaking up the ice in a bucket and dumping them in all the cups) Your house is our house is your house!  (Relative 6 dramatically wipes eyes and nose with a sleeve; Virus 3 passes over a bunch of tissues) Here – don’t be gross, kid.

Relative 1: (Scoots aside Viruses 7-700 to slump into an armchair in defeat) I suppose, considering I have all this food – !

(Oven timer DING!s)

Viruses and Relatives: Dinner!

(They race to the dining room)

Virus 1: (To Relative 1 on the way out) Gotta say, best party ever!

(Relative 1 is left alone in the living room with the cat and Viruses 347 – 12,958)

Relative 1: (To Viruses 347 – 12,958) Maybe take it easy on me?  I have a lot going on right now.

Viruses 347 – 12,958: Oooh, our favorite kind of host!

Story 578: Last-Minute Gift Shopping

             (On a Sunday afternoon, Friend 1 stops alongside the living room couch, does a slight leap, and collapses onto it)

 Friend 1: (Closes eyes and full-body stretches) Ahhhhhh…. A day off from work, nothing to do, nowhere to be…. (Slowly re-opens eyes) Am I that boring?

(Cell phone vibrates with a received message; Friend 1 opens the phone and reads)

Message: COME CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY FRIENDS AND FAM!  IT’S NOT A MILESTONE I JUST WANT TO PAR-TAY WOOOOOOOO!!!!  MAIN STREET BANQUET HALL, MARCH 30, SIX PM UNTIL WHENEVER THEY KICK US OUT, BE THERE OR LIVE WITH THE ETERNAL REGRET LOSERS AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  RSVP BY TOMORROW, YOU ALREADY KNOW BY NOW IF YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS SO DON’T WASTE MY TIME!  AND BRING A GUEST!  BRING TWO GUESTS!  BRING ALL THE OK MOM I KNOW THE HALL ONLY HOLDS A SET AMOUNT OF PEOPLE BUT I WANT THIS SHINDIG TO BE ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN’!  SO YOU ALL BETTER SHOW UP WHEEEEE!!!!  YES MOTHER YOU ARE THE ONE PAYING FOR ALL THIS BUT IT’S STILL MY PARTY AND IF I WANT TO INVITE THE WHOLE TOWN THEN BY THUNDER I’LL (Sent by voice-to-text feature)

Friend 1: Huh.  A birthday party.  Haven’t done one of those since… (Thinks back to grade school) a certain amount of time.  Eh, why not?  (Types response) “Thanks 4 the invite will be there w/guest C U then.”

Message: COOL BRING YOUR DANCING SHOES CAUSE I WANT THAT FLOOR ON FIRE!!!!!   PARTY ANIMAL OUT!

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Calls Friend 2) Hey-hey, doing anything on March 30?

Friend 2: (Paused while running on a park trail to take the call) Oh, you got the invite too?

Friend 1: The birthday party extravaganza?  Yeah – I guess the whole town really was invited.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  It’s a Sunday and nothing else is going on so I said I’d come with a guest.  Wanna come with me and I’ll drive us there?

Friend 1: But I already said I’d come with a guest and I was gonna ask you!

Friend 2: All right, so we’re going together then.

Friend 1: But we each said we’d bring a guest so now we gotta find two extra people to come with us!

Friend 2: No we don’t; we just write back saying never mind on the guests, we’re going together.

Friend 1: But that’s so embarrassing!

Friend 2: Seriously?  Hold on.  (Types and sends a message)  There.  All cleared up in less than a minute, you weirdo.

Friend 1: `K.  Thanks.  Sorry.

Friend 2: So, what were you thinking for a gift?

Friend 1: …Gift?

Friend 2: Yes.  It is a birthday party.

Friend 1: A little presumptuous to invite an entire town and then expect us all to fork over a contribution, don’t you think?  A party’s nothing without guests, so our presence should be sufficient presents, heh-heh.

Friend 2: Whatever; you’ve got over a month so I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And if all else fails: gift card.

Friend 1: (Sighs dramatically) Oh, the etiquette burdens we place on ourselves when this is supposed to be a fun time.

Friend 2: I know, the trials you endure – I’m going back to my run, bye.  (Ends the call and continues with the run)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone onto the couch, leans back, and closes eyes again) I refuse to let this ruin my lazy day.  We’ve got over a month?  Plenty of time…. (Dozes off)

MARCH 29

(Friend 2 is enjoying a pancake breakfast at home when the phone rings)

Friend 2: (Answers while reading the newspaper) Hi!  What’s up?

Friend 1: (A constant din of stressed people is in the background) You know when you have a looming deadline that you keep pushing off and pushing off because you have plenty of time, and then, suddenly, you don’t?

Friend 2: (Stops reading) Where are you?

Friend 1: (Surrounded by frantic shoppers in a warehouse store) Lost in the middle of Ultra Value Super Save Mart.  Now I remember why I don’t come here on Saturdays.  Or ever.

Friend 2: Are you telling me that you had all this time and you still haven’t gotten a gift for the party tomorrow?!

Friend 1: …Not in so many words.

Friend 2: Unbelievable!  You had more than a month!

Friend 1: Oh, and I suppose you went out and picked up a gift the day we got the invite, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Traitor.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not responsible for your lack of planning in… everything, but I’m going to be extremely generous and let you come in on it if you want.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I can’t do that; we got separate invites, I’d look like a total freeloader!

Friend 2: I don’t think anyone would notice, or care.

Friend 1: Of course they would, they all would!  I could never show my face in this town again!

Friend 2: Hardly anyone even knows anyone else in this town anymore.

Friend 1: They’d know this!  Oh, the shame of it all, the shame!

Friend 2: (Rubs temple with free hand) I think you’re going to give me a migraine if I keep listening to this – you want me to come over there and help you pick out something?

Friend 1: (Immediately calms down) Yes.

Friend 2: Give me half an hour.  And thanks for ruining my Saturday.  (Ends the call and finishes breakfast disgruntledly)

Friend 1: (Pockets the cell phone and returns to staring morosely at a display of bath towels) Apparently, it’s what I do….

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Friend 2: (Finds Friend 1 staring morosely at a display of bath mats, surrounded by shoppers continuously hustling and bustling) All right.  I’m here.  Any progress?

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2 with glazed eyes) I progressed from never wanting to have kids to never wanting to be around humans ever again.

Friend 2: That’s not news – any ideas for gifts yet?

Friend 1: Possibly: you think I could get away with sticking a bow on a kitchen trash can?

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 for a few moments) …No.

Friend 1: Then no.  (Turns back to the bath mats, barely flinching when an infant starts a new crying chain with the others throughout the entire store)

Friend 2: OK, how about a home spa kit or something?

Friend 1: (Turns back to Friend 2) Is that what you got?

Friend 2: Yeah.

Friend 1: Wouldn’t I be the little copycat, then.

Friend 2: Who cares?!  Get a gift receipt and it can be returned if there are duplicates; your job is done at that point!

Friend 1: If I cared that little about my self-worth, we wouldn’t be in this situation now would we?

Friend 2: You wouldn’t be in this situation, you mean.

Friend 1: Correct.

Friend 2: (Takes a calming breath) All right, instead of the full-out home spa, how about just a foot spa?

Friend 1: Ew.

Friend 2: Hat-gloves-scarf?

Friend 1: Don’t know the size or taste.  And winter’s shockingly almost over.

Friend 2: Carryall bag?

Friend 1: From what I remember, I doubt the guest of honor leaves the house much.

Friend 2: (Shrugs shoulders in exasperation) I don’t know; a first aid kit?!

Friend 1: (Looks up briefly to think on this) Hmmmm….

Friend 2: No, don’t seriously consider that one; you’re driving me nuts, you know that?!

Friend 1: Can’t be helped, unfortunately.

Friend 2: I’m going to say it again, then: gift.  Card.

Friend 1: (Lowers head) At last, I must admit defeat.  Lead on.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They make their way to the front of the store and find gift card displays)

Friend 2: (Gestures to a very large display filled with many companies’ cards) There you go: pick one.

Friend 1: (Reaches out to a card, then pulls back) No, don’t want to limit to one restaurant.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes ice cream cakes.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes clothes.

Friend 2: Arrrggghhhh!!!  (Grabs a generic credit card company gift card and slaps it onto Friend 1’s open hand) Here!  Now go pay for it and get us out of this place.

Friend 1: (Staring at the card, agog) But there’s an activation fee!

Friend 2: (Grabs Friend 1 by the coat collar and drags the latter to the cash register lines) I’ll pay the extra fee just to end this!

MARCH 30

(Friend 2 pulls into a parking spot at the banquet hall with Friend 1 in the passenger seat; loud music and sounds of revelers are heard pouring out the front door)

Friend 2: (As they both unbuckle their seatbelts and get out of the car while holding their gifts) Well, I’m glad your ordeal is over and we can just enjoy ourselves now that the party’s finally here.

Friend 1: Yeah – let’s see if I’ve still got all my dance moves in me.

Friend 2: I’m almost afraid to find out.

(Inside the banquet hall, the whole town is eating, drinking, talking, dancing, and/or hiding in a corner; Friend 1 and Friend 2 find the Guest of Honor standing by the DJ station and zoom over there)

Friend 1 and Friend 2: Hi!  Happy Birthday!  (They simultaneously hold out their gifts)

Guest of Honor: (Turns and sees them) Oh hi!  Thanks so much for coming!  (Hugs them both fiercely as they hold the items out of the way) This is the best birthday ever, oooooooh!  (One last squeeze)

Friend 1: (As all three separate, holds out the gift again) Great-great; here-here.

Guest of Honor: Oh, you’re so sweet!  I feel bad telling everybody this: Mom wanted me to say “No Gifts” when I sent out the invite since she said everyone being here was enough or something like that, and I totally was going to but when I was finally doing the message I completely forgot to include that part, and now everybody’s coming in with gifts so I’m just telling them to please keep them for yourselves, they’re my “Thank You” for being here!  She’s putting up a banner now to let the rest know as they come in, at least.  (Gestures to a woman on a tall ladder attaching a banner overhead that reads “NO GIFTS!!!!!”; the woman glares at Guest of Honor and shakes her head; Guest of Honor waves at her) Love you!  (Back to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Anyway – so sweet of you.  (Briefly looks toward the front entrance) Oh, there’s more of the family – gotta run!  Make sure to have lots of crackers; we ordered way too many.  (Runs off to greet the new arrivals)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 still are staring at the space Guest of Honor had occupied)

Friend 1: (After a few moments) Soooo… never speak of this again?

Friend 2: That would be best.

Story 575: Sleeping Like a Cat

            (At a kiddie birthday party, a living room is filled with running, screaming children and the few adults designated to supervise their shenanigans when Guest 1 enters)

Guest 1: (Bursting into the room carrying a wrapped gift) HAPPY BIR – oh.  (Freezes upon seeing the chaos and starts to turn back; Guest 2 jumps up from an armchair, grabs Guest 1’s arm with one hand and the gift with the other, and steers the latter into the room)

Guest 2: Great, we need another pair of grown-up eyes here – you can say “Hi” to everyone on the way out – want a plate?

Guest 1: (Gently pushed to sitting on a folding chair, dazed) Uh, yeah, thanks.  (Guest 2 leaves to drop off the gift and fill up a plate of appetizers; Guest 1 looks around trying to figure out what game the kids are playing, then gives up; sees Guest 3 sitting on the nearby couch) Oh, hi there – (Guest 3 looks over) certainly no dozing off while we’re in here, am-I-right?

Guest 3: (Forlornly) If only I could.  (Nods toward a bean bag chair on the edge of the action) See that?

Guest 1: (Double-takes on seeing a cat curled up in the sinking middle of the chair, fast asleep) Aw, I didn’t even notice, how cute!  I always wonder how cats can sleep in the middle of all this racket, you know?

Guest 3: A mystery for the ages.  I only wish I had that power.

Guest 1: What, falling asleep in the center of a virtual hurricane?

Guest 3: Yes.  (A ball whizzes by the both of them) I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in over 30 years.

Guest 1: Wow.  (Thinks for a few moments) Funny, I haven’t really, either.  Too many parties and studying late and working later, now I can’t even fall asleep until way after midnight and by then it’s already tomorrow.

(Both yawn simultaneously)

Guest 3: Ah yes: “To sleep: perchance to”… (Guest 1 waits expectantly) it’s gone.  And I was an English major, too.

Guest 1: Alas.  (The screams increase in volume) That cat has not moved a single muscle since I came in here – should we be worried?

Guest 3: One way to find out.  (Stands and expertly skirts around the hullabaloo to leave the room; the sound of tapping on the cat’s food dish soon follows, and the cat zooms off the chair into the other room) Sorry, no more food yet – just wanted to be sure.  (Guest 3 re-enters the room and sits on the couch again; the cat soon re-enters as well, gracefully weaves through the running bodies, hops back onto the bean bag chair, curls up again, and immediately falls back asleep) Probably could’ve just given a slight tap, but this was more definitive.

Guest 1: I never thought I’d be so jealous of a cat before.

Guest 3: I’m thinking we probably can do the same thing: you should only have to block out all stimuli, and you can sleep through anything.

Guest 1: Huh, is that all?  (Ball bounces off head)

Guest 3: Should be.  I’d try it right now, but my kid’s the guest of honor, so…. (A timer goes off in the kitchen) Aaaaaand that’s the main course, finally.  (Stands) EVERYONE IN THE DINING ROOM NOW!

(Everyone except for Guest 1 and the cat runs out of the room in varying levels of volume)

Guest 1: But I never got my appetizers....

THAT NIGHT

(At Guest 1’s apartment bedroom)

Guest 1: (Wearing pajamas) OK, this is it.  (Flops down on the bed) You can do this – just block out everything.  (Turns out the light and glances at the clock on the bedside table) Yes!  11:53 p.m.  You can do this, champ!  (Curls up into a ball, closes eyes, and starts breathing slowly and regularly until a SLAM! is heard overhead; eyes fly open) Oh no.

Neighbor: (Voice from the upstairs apartment, slightly muffled but voluminous) I told you, and I told you, but you never listen to me!

Guest 1: (Squishes a pillow over face) Oh-no-oh-no-oh-no-

Neighbor: (Accompanied by heavy footsteps and objects being slammed around) Yeah, well, I’d love to go off on sabbatical too, but I have RESPONSIBILITIES!... Don’t you yell at me while I’m yelling at you!

Guest 1: (Flings off the pillow and covers ears tightly) I am the center of the hurricane, I am the center of the –

Neighbor: You bet I’m gonna rehash everything, starting from 15 years ago when you forgot my last name!

Guest 1: Purring!  That must be the secret!  (Tries and fails to purr) Guess I don’t have the right equipment for that.  (Picks up a cell phone, finds a video with pink noise, turns the volume to maximum, plugs in headphones, and settles back with a sigh after one last glance at the phone’s clock) 11:59  That oughta do it.

Neighbor: (Extremely muffled through the pink noise) LA-LA-LA-LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Guest 1: (Curls up into a ball again, smiling) It’s almost soothing now.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(In an office cubicle)

Guest 1: (Typing at a computer and nodding off, then snapping back awake) Whoa, afternoon slump.  (Quirks an eyebrow) Which is a normal part of our circadian rhythm, so who am I to fight it? (Leans back to peer out the cubicle opening, sees no one is approaching, then stretches arms out onto the desk while arching back a bit and crosses them one over the other to rest on them, closing eyes and smacking lips while settling)

Coworker: (Nearby) Auditors coming, everybody!  Finish up your reports and clean your workstations ASAP!

(Sounds of frantic typing, garbage dumping, phone calling, papers flying, coworkers crashing into each other, and emergency meetings being held in the middle of the office fill the entire floor)

Guest 1: (Eyes still closed; mutters softly) I am the center of the hurricane – I am the center of the hurricane – I am ZZZZZZ….

ONE HOUR LATER

Coworker: (Sticks head into the cubicle) What are you doing?!

Guest 1: (Jolts awake, looking around) Huh?  What?

Coworker: We’re all five seconds from getting a thousand citations for noncompliance in everything, and you’re napping?!

Guest 1: I was?...  I was!  It worked, yessss!!!!  (Jumps up and fist pumps for joy)

Coworker: Wow, not even attempting to deny it.

Guest 1: (Stops mid-jump and fist-pump) Ummmm…..

Coworker: I envy you.  (Leaves)

Guest 1: (Whispers to self) It worked, hee-hee!

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a church)

Preacher: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join….

Guest 1: (Sitting alone at the end of the back pew, mutters) That’s my cue.  (Looks around quickly to make sure everyone else is facing the front, then gently slides down to full-body stretch along the pew before half-twisting back and closing eyes) Center of the hurricane….

………………………………………………………………………………………

Preacher: Excuse me?

Guest 1: (Snaps open eyes to see Preacher standing next to the pew, then swiftly returns to a seated position) Oh – hi – great sermon – happy couple –

Preacher: Yes, perhaps you would like to join them?

Guest 1: (Looks around the now-empty church) Ah.

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

(A wedding videographer weaves through the reception hall’s dance floor, filming as everyone dances the night away)

Spouse 1: (Sees the camera and waves) Hi!  Thank you everyone who could be here today!

Spouse 2: Yeah, you all rock!  We’re all having a great time, wooo!!!!

Dancing Guests: (Raising their arms in agreement) WOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

(The camera pans around the room and zooms in on Guest 1, stretched out face-down across three chairs at an empty table, one arm dangling off the edge and the other stretched back)

Videographer: (Heard mumbling) How on Earth, in the middle of all this racket…?  Oops – remember to edit out time stamp 19:33:07 to 19:33:21.

(The DJ suddenly changes the music from 2020s pop to 1980s hair metal)

Guest 1: (Suddenly rolls off the chairs and lands on hands and feet) Hurricane!  (Stands and looks around quickly, sees everyone in the area still dancing, and casually sits down) That was close – hope I didn’t make it into the video.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At another kiddie birthday party, a living room is filled with running, screaming children and the few adults designated to supervise their shenanigans when Guest 3 enters)

Guest 3: (Quietly sighs on seeing the chaos) Here we go.  (Sits on a chair to passively supervise, then notices Guest 1 curled up in a ball on the nearby couch, back to the world) Interesting.  (Lightly pokes Guest 1’s shoulder)

Guest 1: (Immediately rolls over, stretching fully) Oh, hi there.

Guest 3: Sorry to wake you; I just had to see for myself if it was true.

Guest 1: If what was true?

Guest 3: That at least one of us achieved the power of literal catnapping.

Guest 1: Oh yeah – thanks for the advice, worked like a charm.  (Several previously-hidden cats climb over Guest 1, turn semi-circles, and plop down to be spooned; Guest 1 obliges) Changed my life.

Guest 3: So I see.

Guest 1: Anyway, since this wound up turning out so well, I’m going to go back to…. (Points to the cats and the couch)

Guest 3: By all means.

Guest 1: Sweet.  (Gently rolls with the cats so they all are facing the couch cushions again; none move when a beach ball bounces off Guest 1’s back)

Guest 3: (Staring at the sleepers, brow furrowed in thought) Why do I feel like I’ve been missing out on something important this whole time?

Story 572: Procrastination Is My New Best Friend

             (In an office cubicle, Coworker 1 types nonstop)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glancing at the time in the computer monitor’s lower right-hand corner, again; through clenched lips) How did I lose THREE HOURS?!!!  (A <DING!> is heard as a new e-mail arrives; Coworker 1 opens the message, scans though it, then leans forward to read it again in disbelief) Another five reports are due?!  When on Earth am I supposed to get those done????!!!!   (Nearly swoons off the chair)

(A voice is heard from above)

Voice: Or you could just, you know, not do them yet.

Coworker 1: (Whips head around in confusion, then looks up to see a figure casually draped across the top of one of the cubicle walls) Huh?

Procrastination: The extra work.  Just don’t do it yet.  Your current work could probably wait, too.

Coworker: Who – are – where – how – ?

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter.  (Nimbly vaults off the cubicle wall to sit on the edge of Coworker 1’s desk) Read the e-mail again – is there a hard deadline?

Coworker 1: (Looks back at the message) Ummm…. (Back to Procrastination) It says “ASAP”.

Procrastination: HA!  That’s just the higher-ups trying to make their problem your problem.  Set it aside; it’ll keep.

Coworker 1: But – what if my boss comes looking for these ASAP?

Procrastination: Then say you’re working on it.  If everyone starts getting antsy, you can add that the projects need to go through a few more iterations before they’re ready for launch; that oughta do it.

Coworker 1: (Starts taking notes and nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh; any other suggestions?

Procrastination: Oh yeah: like I said earlier, whatever you’re working on now, leave it for later.

Coworker 1: But I’ve been working on it all day –

Procrastination: Exactly: it’s probably garbage now, so go back to it when you’re fresh.  Like in a month or so.

Coworker 1: Really?

Procrastination: Yep!  In the wise words of the Bard of Avon, “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow”… will always be there, so why stress out today?

Coworker 1: I… don’t think that’s how the line goes….

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter: go take an hour-long 15, you deserve it!  (Disappears)

Coworker 1: Wha – ?

Coworker 2: (Peeks head around the cubicle opening) Hey: you off the phone now?

Coworker 1: I wasn’t on – never mind; what’s up?

Coworker 2: Just got the word that our self-evaluations are due Friday instead of next month `cause of some system glitch – you do yours yet?

Coworker 1: No.

Coworker 2: Well, I finally finished mine and it took forever, so I’d say hurry up since Friday’ll be here any minute.  (Trots over to the next cubicle to spread the happy news)

Coworker 1: (Looks over at the desktop calendar showing that the current day is Wednesday) Friday, hm?  Plenty of time….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At Coworker 1’s townhouse)

Coworker 1: (Sitting on the couch while talking on the phone) So the drafts through all the windows and doors are getting worse and every floor has got this weird leak going and I have no idea what that smell coming from the laundry room is and don’t get me started on the cracks in the walls that are cutting into the ceilings and I don’t even know where to begin!

Procrastination: (Pops into view on the other end of the couch) Then don’t.

Coworker 1: (Staring at Procrastination as the voice on the other end of the phone starts speaking) I’ve… gotta go.

Voice on the Phone: Wait, you need to get out of there immediately – !

Coworker 1: (Ends the call and drops the phone onto a cushion) All right, I’ll bite: what do you mean, “Don’t”?

Procrastination: Exactly that.  These problems have been there way before you noticed, and they’ll be there for a lot longer before the tipping point of permanent damage, so why worry about them now?  (Holds out a fishing pole) Haven’t you been wanting to go fishing on the lake for AGES?

Coworker 1: (Eyes widening, grabs the pole and runs) FISHING!

Procrastination: (As the front door slams) Heh-heh-heh – sweet.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a banquet hall)

Coworker 1: (Rushing in, sees Coworker 2 standing at a high top table and zooms over) Hi, sorry I’m late, didn’t account for rush-hour traffic, and gave myself nine minutes for a half-hour drive – did I miss anything?

Coworker 2: (Takes a swig of limeade while thinking) Whelp, only Jerry’s retirement speech – and a bunch of the food – and the 50-50 that’s 100% going to Jerry anyway –

Coworker 1: Great, it sounds like I missed most of the whole thing already!  Is the buffet still open at least?

Coworker 2: (Points with the glass) I think the other end hasn’t been taken down yet, so you might get a few mashed potatoes or some spinach or whatever.

Coworker 1: Errrrggghhhhh!  (Starts to dash over there but is stopped by a brief hand on the shoulder from Coworker 2) What?!

Coworker 2: Hate to bring this up, but did you drop off your gift yet?  `Cause I think they’re taking down that table now, too.

Coworker 1: (Smacks forehead) The gift!  I completely put off getting it, then forgot!

Coworker 2: Oh well, maybe you can mail it when Jerry moves to Florida tomorrow, but I don’t think anyone has the address.

Coworker 1: (Slumps onto the table) This just keeps getting more and more embarrassing!

Coworker 2: Yeah, not to rub salt in the wound either, but I think your name came up when Jerry was talking with our boss about those ASAP reports we got assigned a week ago, something about they’re still waiting for yours and it’s holding everything up, I didn’t catch all of it.

Coworker 1: (Lets head drop onto the table and moans into the cloth)

Coworker 2: (Finishes off the limeade and places the glass onto the passing tray of an efficient server) Yeah, hope you did your self-eval before that, heh-heh.

Coworker 1: (Head suddenly lifts) The self-eval!  (Runs out the door)

Coworker 2: (Starts working on a newly arrived plate of tiramisu) Hm – what a mess.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is sitting on the living room floor frantically searching through files in boxes when Procrastination appears ensconced in an armchair)

Procrastination: So!  That looks tedious – how about leave it for another day and watch some more episodes of your new favorite show instead?  You know you want to.

Coworker 1: (Stands and points an accusatory finger at Procrastination) You!

Procrastination: (Points to self) I?

Coworker 1: Yes!  My life is falling apart because of you!

Procrastination: Nonsense: your life was falling apart long before I showed up.  Don’t you feel the stress just melting off now that you’re no longer bound by other people’s arbitrary timetables and deadlines?

Coworker 1: No!  Because of you, I almost got fired; Jerry’s never going to speak to me again, either here or in Florida; the house is still falling apart at a rapidly increasing rate; and because I didn’t do my taxes in time, I’m probably going to jail!

Procrastination: Oh, that’s ridiculous.

Coworker 1: Is it?!

Procrastination: Yes.  You still worry over nothing: they’d charge you penalties for years before jail is ever presented as an option.

Coworker 1: Well!  That’s just a huge relief, now isn’t it!  (Collapses onto the floor, holds head, and makes upset noises into hands)

Procrastination: (Sighs in annoyance and tsks) If you’re going to take that attitude, then this isn’t going to be fun anymore.

Coworker 1: (Sits up suddenly and glares in fury at Procrastination) NO!  KIDDING!

Procrastination: (Stands and brushes hands dismissively) You know, I was trying to do you a favor, but since I can tell that my efforts aren’t appreciated, I’ll go help someone else who actually deserves it. (Disappears)

Coworker 1: GOOD!  Oh, gone.  (Stares at the files scattered on the floor, then feels a drop of water land on head; while brushing it off, looks up to see a new, spreading leak in the ceiling) Maybe I have it all wrong: maybe if I procrastinate forever, this can all become Someone Else’s Problem.