Story 583: Drama On-Screen, Drama Off-Screen

 [Not inspired by a true story; just a parody of a sci-fi show’s on- and off-screen shenanigans]

(On the bridge of a starship in the distant future, when all of Earth’s major problems have been solved but the universe still has most of them; most of the crew members are human and from the U.S.A.; and all ship’s systems work perfectly – until they don’t)

Captain: (Sitting relaxed in The Big Chair) Well, now that the crisis with the Betelgeusian Empire has been averted once again, let’s get back to our real jobs of exploring every last bit of space dust out there.

First Officer: (Sitting in a nearby Not-As-Big-Chair) I couldn’t agree more, Cap’n.

Captain: (Swivels chair to face a side bank of computers where several crew members continuously tap lots of buttons, and addresses a mechanical being seated there) Commander A.I.: What’s the nearest star system we haven’t poked our heads in on yet?

Commander A.I.: (Swivels chair to face Captain) The closest to this vessel would be the binary system designated HD 93308, Captain.

Captain: Eh?

Commander A.I.: The name more commonly used by your species would be Eta Carinae.

Captain: Great, splendid, thanks – go back to your space experiments or robot supremacy manifesto or whatever it is you do all day.

Commander A.I.: Acknowledged.  (Swivels back to continue manifesto titled Someday I Will Be Captain)

Captain: (Swivels chair to face the front of the bridge) Helm: set a course for Eta Carinae, maximum close-but-not-quite-light speed, and get us there ASAP!

Helm: (Stationed in front of the main viewscreen) Aye, Captain: setting course.  (Taps a bunch of buttons)

Tactical Officer: (Sitting at a station in the back of the bridge) Captain, I must protest this decision – we have no idea what is in that system; the inhabitants could vaporize us the moment we arrive!

Captain: (Without turning around) Noted and ignored.  (To Helm) Proceed ASAP!

Helm: Aye-aye, Captain: off we go!

(The ship powers up for close-but-not-quite-light speed, then suddenly powers down)

First Officer: (To Captain) Did we forget to fill up the tank at the last port?

Captain: (Taps an intercom button) Engineering!  What is going on down there?!

Chief Engineer: (Voice) I have no idea, Captain!  One minute everything was working; next minute everything is kaput!  I’ll have to rebuild the entire engine from scratch, and I have no idea why!  (Sounds of weeping and wailing from the entire Engineering department is heard)

Captain: All right, tell your team to pull themselves together and rebuild the engine – shouldn’t take more than a few hours, right?

Chief Engineer: It’s completely fried, Captain!  This’ll take weeks, if not years!

Captain: Hm.  In that case, call me back when you have better news.  (Taps the intercom button off and turns to First Officer) Wonder how something like this could’ve happened?

First Officer: (Shrugs) I dunno – everything always works perfectly here, so the only possibly explanation is outside saboteur.

(A crew member with cranial appendages not found on humans stands up at a station on the opposite side bank of computers)

Science Officer: Not quite!  The cause is an inside saboteur!

Captain: Oh, that’s good to know – who is it?

Science Officer: …Me.

Captain: Oh, thanks for telling us, then – wait, what?!  Why?!

Science Officer: Isn’t it obvious?  I loathe you all with every ounce of my being!

Captain: Since when?!  We just celebrated your birthday last week and you said you had a blast!

Science Officer: Only to conceal my inner rage!

(By now the entire bridge crew has stopped tapping buttons and swiveled their chairs around to watch this conversation)

First Officer: Hang on: you and I bonded only days ago when we crash-landed on that desert moon, and you even said that you admired my bravery and resourcefulness and all that stuff!

Science Officer: Yes, well… I meant that, but I still loathe you all!

Captain: But why, I ask again?!

Science Officer: Because your humans-only clique never really let me in as a true member!

Captain: Well, we tried our darndest, but in some areas your species is just too weird for us to handle, OK!  Get over it!

Science Officer: Never!  (Taps the ship-wide intercom button) Attention, crew members, civilian contractors, passengers, and children who really shouldn’t be out in space while still maturing and with all the dangers we encounter regularly: I despise every last one of you, and soon I will have my revenge!

Captain: (Stands) Unacceptable!

Science Officer: And furthermore, I am taking full command of this vessel, and will soon commence with punishing you all in horrible ways, and – (Clears throat) and – (Sighs heavily)

Captain: Yes?

“Science Officer”: (Slowly sits) I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Captain: Whaddya mean, Lieutenant?

“Science Officer”: I mean, I can’t convincingly play a character who’s suddenly an undercover malcontent since the beginning of the series and decided long ago to turn traitor, when I’ve been best buds with everyone up until this episode and you never gave me any notes before now saying otherwise!

“Captain”: (To the ceiling) Cut!  (Sits down; back to “Science Officer”) Well, as I explained at the table read, we’ve been on for five seasons and need to shake things up a bit – “secret traitor” is storyline gold, so sorry that you drew the short straw on that but this is the only way to keep our show relevant, the fans’ll talk about it for years if not forever, and it really does make sense for your character if you think about it.

“Science Officer”: No it doesn’t!  It makes zero sense with the way the character’s arc has developed so far, and now the audience is gonna hate both the character and me because most can’t separate the two!

“Captain”: That’s not true!  Most will just hate the character and feel sorry for you; take the win.

“Science Officer”: You just want to write me off the show, is that it?!

“Captain”: Don’t be absurd – I’d’ve killed off your character between seasons so I’d never have to see you again if I’d wanted to write you off the show!

“Commander A.I.”: Excuse me!  (Everyone else swivels in their chairs to face the opposite side of the bridge) Does this count as a break, because I would really like to take this thing off!  (Points with both hands to helmet head)

“Captain”: Sure, fine, take the thing off.  (“Commander A.I.” yanks off the slightly stuck helmet head, sweating and gasping for air) I don’t get why you’re complaining – we finally got you that expensive cooling system like the astronauts have and everything.

“Commander A.I.”: Oh yes.  And it’s doing JACK POOP!

“Science Officer”: Heh, just be thankful you don’t have to get up at 3:00 every morning for prosthetics smothering your whole face and sometimes – (Shudders) your whole body.

“Commander A.I.”: True, but you also don’t have to breathe through a bucket!

“Captain”: We’re getting off-track here.  (Swivels back to “Science Officer” as “Commander A.I.” takes out a cellphone from a costume compartment and starts typing) No, I am not writing you off the show –

“Science Officer”: HA!

“Captain”: After this storyline ends, your character’ll still be in the same role on the ship, unchanged.

“Science Officer”: How is that even possible?!  I literally declared revenge on everyone onboard!  They’re all just going to forget that?!

“First Officer”: (To “Captain”) Yeah, the whole thing really seems out of character for… everybody.

“Helm”: (Briefly raises a hand) I agree – anyone else would’ve been court-martialed, and maybe even executed.

“Captain”: Nobody’s executed in space utopia!

“Helm”: OK, how about “socially shunned”?

“Captain”: C’mon, folks, you were all at the table read, you knew this was happening for months, if you had any concerns why didn’t you say anything back then?!

“Science Officer”: I did say something back then.

“First Officer”: So did I.

“Tactical Officer”: So did I.

“Helm”: So did –

“Captain”: All-right-all-right; and if you also remember, I told you at the time that it’ll all work out, and you just have to trust the process!

(A Production Assistant enters from a back corner of the bridge with a large frozen drink and brings it to “Commander A.I.”)

Production Assistant: Here ya go.

“Commander A.I.”: (Takes the drink) Ah, bless you.  (Presses the plastic cup against forehead and cheeks and then drinks from the straw desperately as Production Assistant exits through the viewscreen)

“Captain”: (To “Commander A.I.”) For real?!  You can’t be having that now – we’re gonna start again in another five minutes!  (“Commander A.I.” blankly stares at “Captain” over the straw, then slowly swivels away while holding one arm up and back to give the finger) That’s just great.  (Back to “Science Officer”) Listen, I understand this situation is a bit… frustrating –

“Science Officer”: Understatement of the year.

“Captain”: But it’ll all work out for great drama, I promise.  And if for some reason it doesn’t, the blame’ll fall on me as showrunner, and you’ll still get a primetime television award at the end of the day.

“Science Officer”: Really?

“Captain”: Oh yeah, you’ll be a shoo-in!

“First Officer”: (To “Science Officer”) Heads-up: you’ll more likely win the sci-fi genre award rather than the primetime one.

“Science Officer”: (Downcast) Oh.

“First Officer”: But still, award’s an award though, am-I-right?

“Science Officer”: I guess.

“Tactical Officer”: I have a question.  (Everyone else turns to face the back of the bridge) If that character’s getting written off, does that mean that mine can get more lines?

“Science Officer”: Hey!

“Tactical Officer”: Sorry, but all I seem to say lately are “We can’t trust them, Captain!” and “Lifeforms detected, Captain!” and “Freeze!”

“Captain”: I just said that character is not getting written off!  Does no one listen to me?!

(“Doctor” enters from the back corner of the bridge)

“Doctor”: Hi, sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been waiting for my cue for about 10 minutes – is it all right if I take lunch now instead?

“Captain”: (Sighs) Yes, go ahead, take lunch.

“Commander A.I.”: (Waves frantically at “Doctor”) Ooh-ooh-ooh, can I come with you?!

“Doctor”: Sure, if it’s all right with – (Gestures at “Captain”)

“Commander A.I.”: It is!  (Leaps up from the seat and runs to join “Doctor”)

“Captain”: Hey!  (“Commander A.I.” and “Doctor” freeze, then slowly turn back around; “Captain” points at the helmet head left on the floor) If you’re leaving, you gotta take your head with you – you know we’re all responsible for our own costumes and props!

“Commander A.I.”: (After a few moments, holds out the drink to “Doctor”) Would you mind holding this for a minute, please?

“Doctor”: You bet.  (Takes the drink, surreptitiously takes off the lid, and takes a sip)

(“Commander A.I.” and “Captain” glare at each other as the former slowly walks back to the side bank of computers, breaks the look to pick up the helmet head, then after a pause savagely drop-kicks it across the set to an unoccupied corner.  Everyone else except “Captain” has shocked grimaces on their faces as the two glare at each other again while “Commander A.I.” slowly walks back to “Doctor”)

“Commander A.I.”: (Primly takes back the drink) Thank you.

“Doctor”: (As they leave) Maybe we should get some hot green tea for stress relief –

“Commander A.I.”: No hot tea!

“Captain”: (To self) Surrounded by unprofessionalism.  (Back to “Science Officer”) So: are we good now?

“Science Officer”: I suppose I can make some award-worthy lemonade out of this character-destroying lemon, yes.

“Captain”: That’s all I ask.  (To everyone on the bridge) All right, folks: guess we’re on lunch now.

(Everyone else cheers, leaps out of their seats, and runs off the set)

“Chief Engineer”: (Voice) Did I just hear “lunch”?!

“Captain”: Yes, you can leave the sound booth now; we’ll do a scene with you in-person this afternoon.

“Chief Engineer”: (Voice) You mean I have to get in costume and make-up?  I thought I was getting to skip all that today.

“Captain”: You had five lines in the booth; how long did you think it was going to take?!

“Chief Engineer”: All day.

“Captain”: Fair enough; go enjoy your break.

“Chief Engineer”: Oh, I will.  (Sounds of “Chief Engineer” throwing off headphones and running out of the booth)

(“Captain” leans back in the chair and closes eyes; “First Officer” re-enters the set)

“First Officer”: You coming along?

“Captain”: (Opens eyes) I have no appetite at the moment.

“First Officer”: We have at least another 10 hours to go after this.

“Captain”: Yep, well, I’ll do my usual and sneak snacks when I’m not on-screen.  I can’t face all of them in the cafeteria right now.

“First Officer”: Got it.

“Captain”: Thanks for helping me out earlier – you’d make a good real-life first officer.

“First Officer”: No problem, but now you owe me one.

“Captain”: Oh, right…. (“First Officer” stares significantly at “Captain”) Fine: I’ll put back in that scene where you perform your one-person Macbeth, even though I still think it really, really, really doesn’t fit… anywhere.

“First Officer”: Hey, it’s space – anything is possible.

Story 544: Working at a Renaissance Fair in the Summer

            (At county fairgrounds, attendees and actors roam the faux-Renaissance landscape in various and clashing styles of dress)

Actor 1: (Stationed with Actor 2 near the “castle wall” erected as the fair entrance, bowing and smiling at attendees as they pour through the gate into a temporary land of wonder and magic) Welcome to the Fair, gentles all!  (Whips out a fan and vigorously waves it at self) Good day, good day!  (Stares jealously at all the short sleeves and short pants passing by; in an undertone to Actor 2 while still smiling and bowing) Barely 10:00 in the morning and I’m sweating a waterfall; remind me again why I auditioned for the role of “Duchess”?

Actor 2: (Dressed in a similar but less-ornamental costume, smiling and waving at everyone) You wanted the fancy dress and for everyone to call you “Your Grace”.

Actor 1: Oh right – Good morning! – let’s just bring around the petition again to move this the whole thing to October.

Actor 2: It’ll get defeated again: everyone’s off doing haunted houses by then, and it’ll still be 90°F out anyway – Good day, all!  Welcome, and be sure to sample some mead and a hearty dragon’s leg while ye enjoy our revelry!

Actor 1: (Tugs on bodice) Guess you’re right; probably should skip the corset next time at least – Stop by the main stage soon for the first show of the day; there’ll be dueling of words and swords to satisfy even the most dreaded of scoundrels among ye, aye!

Actor 2: I thought everyone skipped the corset?

Actor 1: I like to be authentic – Huzzah, ye wisely-dressed fairgoers, huzzah!

Actor 2: Huzzah! – I’m taking a break.  (Leaves Actor 1, who is still bowing and smiling through a sheen of perspiration)

(At the jousting field)

Actor 3: (Standing in the middle of the field dressed as a peasant, wearing a body mic, and addressing the audience seated in the bleachers) Welcome to the joust!  Two knights, both alike in valor and combativeness, will meet on this field to test lances, swords, and any other weapons we happen to have lying around here, and battle for your hearts and minds and bloodthirsty entertainment, huzzah!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (As the knights ride out on horseback on opposite sides of the field) And they’re off!  (Runs to a shaded stand off to the side and downs a tankard of water)

(The two knights level their lances and gallop toward each other until their horses stop short, throw off their riders, and trot back to the stables)

Actor 3: (Nearly spits out the water) Blimey.  (Runs back onto the field, stares at the knights as they stagger to their feet, and addresses the audience again) It seems we have a duel!

Audience: Huzzah!

(Actor 3 runs to the shaded stand off to the side again; the knights slowly draw their longswords, reach back, take a wild swing that completely misses the other, and collapse onto the ground; Actor 3 runs back over to them, lifts up the visors on their helmets, and sees their overheated, passed-out faces)

Actor 3: (Lifts up one arm of the knights each) It’s a tie!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (To the EMTs as they rush onto the field with stretchers) Is there an extra one I can use?

(In another part of the fairgrounds set up with a makeshift stage and benches for the audience)

Actor 4: (Dressed as a noble, complete with heavy doublet, collar, and cuffs, wipes sweat out of eyes before addressing Actor 5) And I say, a pox on ye and the house you rode in on!

Actor 5: (Dressed as a jester in looser clothing) Surely, my Lord, you mean the horse I rode in on, don’t ye?

Actor 4: Why ye little – (Swings wildly at Actor 5, who dances around in glee)

Actor 5: Hee-hee-hee, can’t catch – !  (Is suddenly punched in the face by Actor 4) Ow!  Hey!

Actor 4: (Wheezing) There – that oughta – shut ye up –

Actor 5: (Holding swelling jaw) Oh yeah?  You’re just jealous because I got a costume that breathes!  (Sticks out tongue at Actor 4)

Actor 4: (Lurches toward Actor 5 with arms outstretched as the latter runs away) VENGEANCE!  (Collapses onto the stage)

Actor 5: (Missed that part and continues running into the maze of vendor tents) I’m calling H.R., hoo-hoo-hoo…!

(Audience members look uncertainly at each other, then several get up from their seats and lean over Actor 4)

Audience Member 1: You OK, dude?

Actor 4: (Eyes remain closed) Oh, I shall be rightly anon; but pray, could one of ye fine folk be so kind as to dump a barrel of water on mine head?  (Another audience member pours the contents of a water bottle onto Actor 4) Aye – that hits the spot.

(At the closing ceremonies, held in a sheltered eating area)

Actor 6: (Dressed as a monarch and standing on a stage surrounded by other actors, addressing the audience members seated at tables and benches) Gentles all, thank ye again for spending this fine, enchanting, blistering day – (An elf collapses on stage) there goes another one – (EMTs unobtrusively cart away the elf) with us, we humble players whose only goal is to entertain ye all and bring a little magic into your banal, horrific lives, even if it is only for a few fleeting hours.

Actor 1: (Standing on ground-level off to the side, glances at a hidden digital watch; in an undertone to Actor 2) 6:00 – I’m out.  (Rips off hairnet, bodice, corset, and skirt, and walks into the nearby lake clad in a chemise)

Actor 6: And now, with the whole company gathered –

Actor 3: (Raises hand) Umm….

Actor 6: With what’s left of the company gathered, one final song to play all you wonderful people out!  (A bard whispers in Actor 6’s ear) It appears that we have lost half our musicians to hyperthermia, and the other half are unable to use their hands and/or vocal cords properly at this point in the day, so please enjoy this anachronistic prerecorded ballad as you all return to your freezing horseless carriages and leave us be at last.  (Hits a button on a boombox so that speakers throughout the fairgrounds blare the tunes of thousands of bagpipes that sound as if they are simultaneously screaming and melting) Until next year!

Audience: Huzzah!

(As the remaining attendees slowly shuffle to the exit, Audience Member 2 walks up to Actor 6)

Audience Member 2: I have to say, I always appreciate all the work everyone here puts into these events – you all must really love what you do, and it shows.

Actor 6: (Removes crown and wrings out wig) So glad to hear it: we sure do this for love of the craft, since no amount of money in the world is worth these working conditions, let me tell you.

Story 528: Maladaptive Daydreaming Can Be a Real Drag

“Hey, where are you?”

“Umm, right here?”

“No, I mean where’s your head gone off to?  You’ve got that faraway look in your eyes that means while your physical body is present, your consciousness has taken a trip to the moon or an island resort or somewhere else the rest of us want to go, too.”

“Oh, right.  Sorry – it was getting hot with the air conditioning broken here again so I was thinking about playing in the snow like when I was a kid, and now I’m freezing.  You got an extra sweater handy?”

“We’re all wearing short sleeves because of the broken air conditioning.”

“Right, right.  Never mind: I should be melting again in a few minutes, then.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“Hey there, you finish that report yet?”

“Hm?  Oh, right, that needs to be sent in today, doesn’t it.”

“…Yes, we’ve talked about it several times this week and once this morning…. Oh, I see you’re working on it now, that’s great!  How’s it coming along?”

“It’s… coming along….”

“So, what, you think another page or two left, another hour or two to go?”

“Maybe.  Or it might need, you know, another day.”

“Another day?!  Where’s your mind at?!”

“I’ve been wondering that myself lately – it seems to be taking a lot trips to the beach recently, and we wind up staying there for hours.”

“Ah.  Well, can’t say I blame it.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *  

“Did you set the security alarm before we left the house today?”

“Hm?  I think so, why?”

“Because it’s not beeping as we’re invading our own home.”

“Oh.  I must have drifted off on our way out and thought I’d done it.  Sorry.”

“Drifted off to what?!”

“To what’s going to happen next on Sword Slash when the season premier airs tonight.  They left last season on a cliffhanger and we’ve had to wait more than a year before it finally came back.”

“….”

“Not a fan?”

“We could’ve been burglarized!”

“Eh, no harm done.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“So, it’s looking like they might have to pull all the teeth out…. Are you listening to me?!”

“Hm?  Oh, yeah, teeth – disgusting.”

“I don’t think you are.  Your mind keeps going off places and you’re missing everything that’s going on around you!”

“Sorry; it’s just that I’ve been replaying this scene in my head where my characters finally triumph over the evil they’ve been battling for decades, and I’m trying to iron out the details.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were a writer.”

“…I’m not.”

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

“Excuse me.”

“Hm?  Oh, sorry, I’m being a bit rude, I know – it’s just that my mind tends to wander very, very, very often, and I find myself immersed in all sorts of daydreams that it’s hard to snap myself out of them.”

“Oh really?”

“Yeah, it can be a bit disruptive sometimes – I don’t always get my work done ‘in a timely manner’ or I miss important information that I’ll need later or I completely breeze through a chore that I’ll have to redo because I didn’t do it thoroughly enough or I find out that an event I went to was a blast but I’ll never know because I’d completely tuned out during the whole thing – but honestly, life can be so tedious and painful and pointless at times that escaping from the futility of it all into a comforting world of our own making truly can be a matter of survival in a sense, don’t you think?”

“I suppose when you put it that way, it can be occasionally, yeah.”

“Thank you!  It’s such a relief to finally meet someone who actually understands!”

“Sure.... You can hand over your wallet now.”

“Oh right, we’re in the middle of a robbery – checked out for a few minutes there.”

Story 527: I Got a Bit Carried Away When Writing Season 4

             (In a conference room, seated around a long table are a television series’ showrunner, producers, and lead actors; various assistants are seated throughout the room behind them, ready to provide technical and moral support)

Showrunner: (Beaming widely at the attendees) Hiiiiiii, everyone!  I hope you all had a great hiatus!  (There is a chorus of mildly enthusiastic “Yeah”s, “It was OK”s, and one noncommittal grunt) So!  By now you’ve all heard the amazing feedback on the success that Season 3 was this year; the audience couldn’t get enough of us and kept demanding more – (To one of the producers) genius idea to go the traditional route and release only one episode a week, by the way –

Producer: (Smugly) That’s why they pay me the big bucks.

Showrunner: Finally paid off.  (Producer double-takes) We’re the critics’ darlings, reviews and ratings are through the roof, and all the awards are pouring in, including – (Gestures to Lead 1) our very own Best Actor in a Popular Series nominee, yaaaaaay!  (Starts clapping for Lead 1; everyone else slowly joins in)

Lead 1: (Mildly embarrassed) Thanks, everybody; that really belongs to all of us, truly.

Lead 2: (Seated next to Lead 1 and staring straight ahead) Then where’s my nomination?

Lead 1: You know very well I have no control over that stuff.

Lead 2: Of course – it’s not like there’s any campaigning involved in these things.

Lead 1: You were plenty welcome to submit your name as a nominee.

Lead 2: That’s not how I roll.  (Turns to Lead 1) Last I checked, this was an ensemble show.  We all support each other.

Lead 1: Oh yeah?  Tell that to the upstagers over there; I think they missed the memo.  (Nods across the table at Lead 3 and Lead 4, whose mouths drop open in shock)

Lead 3: Ex – cuse me?!

Lead 4: Yeah, why’re you suddenly dragging us into this?

Lead 1: Oh, I don’t know, maybe because every time we do scenes together, one or both of you are mugging for the camera in every shot!

Lead 3: It’s called “staying in character”, as you should know at this point in your career!  And not being boring about it, by the way.

Lead 4: Maybe, if you had a little more fun with the role, you’d’ve also been nominated for “Most Dynamic Performer in a Series” like we were.

Lead 3: And won!  Twice!  (Lead 3 and Lead 4 high-five each other)

Lead 1: (Seething) That’s a baloney award from a baloney organization and you know it.

Lead 4: Award’s an award.

Lead 2: (Back to staring into the middle distance) You’re telling me….

Showrunner: Children, my children!  We’ve gone completely off-track and are now barreling through the forest of inanity.  Let us return to why we are all gathered here today: our table read for the much-anticipated Season 4 of our show, yaaaaay!  (Claps again but only a few assistants and producers join in this time) Now, you all were given each episode’s script on your way in, so no peeking ahead to the finale!

Lead 5: (Raises hand as the other leads take the top script from the pile) Question: how come these weren’t sent to us over hiatus like usual?  I like to prep before these things.

Showrunner: Well, this season I wanted to do something a little different: I wanted you all to experience the wonder, the thrills, the chills, and the emotional destruction of each episode together, communally, just as almost the entire audience will when they watch these on the release dates.  (The leads stare blankly at Showrunner) It’ll be fun!

Lead 4: Sure, why not; I’m always up for something new.

Lead 1: (Narrows eyes at Lead 4) You would be.  (Lead 4 gives a baffled “What?!” look)

Lead 2: (To Lead 1) Not exactly the insult I’m sure you were going for.

Lead 1: (Flipping through the script) Realized that after the fact.

Showrunner: OK!  So, like usual, I’ll be reading the stage directions and such; and you all of course know where to come in.  Please save any minor questions for the end so we can keep this going; but if there’s something major you notice, feel free to speak up immediately!  These are pretty much the final drafts since the multiple plots building up over the past few years are so heavily intertwined that any revisions at this point will cause the whole series to collapse in on itself, but, you know, as the showrunner and sole writer on this show, I’m technically open to suggestions. 

Lead 6: Why are you bothering with a table read then if you have no intention of making any revisions?

Showrunner: I wanna hear out loud how awesome it is.  So!  Without further ado, let us begin with

SEASON 4, EPISODE 1

Showrunner: “Scene 56.  Exterior.  Fortress.  Nighttime.  Snow is falling gently as a stumbling figure shambles toward the woods, then falls onto the ground in utter defeat.  Staring up at the star-filled sky, we see that the fallen figure is none other than -------, who smiles sadly as both Fate, and the camera, close in.”

Lead 6: (Looking concerned) “Whelp, it seems my journey ends here.  What a wild ride.”  (To Showrunner) Hold on a second – did my character just die?!

Showrunner: (Grinning) Sure did!  I was very emotional writing it; the tears flowed freely the entire time.  I think you’ll enjoy filming it, too.

Lead 6: So I get killed off in Episode 1?!

Showrunner: Yep!  Definitely motivation for all the other characters to, you know, keep fighting the good fight. 

Lead 6: So I’m done here for good?!

Showrunner: Yes indeedy!  It’s been fun, byeeeee!  (Waves at Lead 6)

Lead 6: But you told me back in January that I’d be in Season 4!

Showrunner: And you are.  In Episode 1.  Byeeeee!  (Waves again)

Lead 6: (Tosses the script onto the pile and mumbles) Wish I’d known that before I relocated last year.  (Everyone else makes sympathetic noises)

Lead 5: Yeah, are there budget cuts or something we should be worried about?

Showrunner: Not at all!  (To Lead 6) It basically came down to the fact that you weren’t, how shall I put this, a “fan favorite.”

Lead 6: (Glares at Showrunner) You forgot my character was in the show again, didn’t you.

Showrunner: (Becomes focused on the script) Yes I did – shall we continue?

SEASON 4, EPISODE 3

Showrunner: “Scene 2.  Interior.  ------’s room.   ------ is seated at a table, piling wooden blocks in a symbolic gesture reflecting two of this season’s main themes when there is a smart rapping at the door.  ------ accidentally knocks over the blocks, again symbolically, walks over to the door to open it, and sees -------- on the other side.”  (Showrunner sets down the script, unobtrusively takes out a small box of popcorn, and begins snacking on it while watching Lead 3 and Lead 4 with intense glee)

Lead 4: “Oh, hi!”

Lead 3: “Hey there!  You busy?”

Lead 4: “Not at all – come on in!”

Showrunner: “-------- enters and jokingly slams the door shut; the two then flop casually onto two armchairs facing each other.” [CRUNCH-CRUNCH]

Lead 3: “So, that last assignment sure was a lot of fun!”

Lead 4: “I’ll say!  And I love that it gave us so many opportunities to bust our self-appointed leader’s chops.”  (Looks significantly at Lead 1, who fumes quietly)

Lead 3: “Well, busting chops is my specialty!  Plus we got to, you know, save the universe again and everything.  Pretty cool of us, I think.”

Lead 4: “Yeah; who knew saving the universe at least once a week would be both spiritually fulfilling and hilarious?”

Lead 3: “Right on!”  (Everyone with a script simultaneously turns to the next page) “You know, while we’re on the subject, I think it’s about time we moved on from goofing off non-stop and you – ” (As Lead 3 and Lead 4 lean forward to their respective scripts with extremely furrowed brows) “finally let me worship that hot, hot body of yours”?!  (Looks up confusedly at Showrunner, who nods vigorously with manic glee)

Lead 4: (Still staring at the script) “Oh baby, you don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to say the exact same thing – take me now”?!  (Also looks up confusedly at Showrunner) Are these the right lines?!

Showrunner: Of course they are – got your characters’ names attached to them, don’t they?

Lead 3: Yeah, but this isn’t us.  (Gestures to self and Lead 4) We’re the comic relief!

Lead 4: There has to be a mistake; these are the type of lines you usually write for those two!  (Point to Lead 1 and Lead 2)

Lead 1: (Smiling evilly at Lead 3 and Lead 4) I find this extremely hysterical.

Lead 2: Guess you two better start hitting the gym, huh.

Lead 1: (To Lead 2) Ooh, maybe with the heat on them now this’ll mean we get a break this season – doing love scenes are ten times more exhausting then pretending I can do hand-to-hand combat, any day.

Lead 2: No argument from me.

Lead 3: Hey, at least you two knew what you were getting into when you got cast as the attractive leads of a show with such unsubtle romantic undertones – I, however, did not sign up for naughty business when I auditioned for what I thought was just going to be a quirky clown character with several intriguing mini-arcs!

Lead 4: (To Showrunner) And I was supposed to be a one-off and then killed-off, but you called me back because you said the fans loved me so much!

Lead 6: Hm.  Must be nice.

Lead 4: (Winces) Sorry.  (Back to Showrunner) So when did “punching up the script” turn into “borderline softcore porn”?!

Showrunner: Relax: you know the love scenes I write are always extremely tasteful.  (Returns to the script) “-------- grabs ------, throws the latter onto the king size bed, and grabs a bottle of hot oil handily waiting on a lamp table as they passionately tear each other’s clothes off – ”

Lead 3: OH, BLAZES, NO!

Lead 4: My wife’s gonna kill me!

Showrunner: Don’t worry: there’ll be an intimacy coordinator there the whole time so everything’s on the up-and-up.

Lead 3: Not the point!  Neither of us agreed to these types of scenes in our contracts!

Showrunner: Well, you didn’t not agree to them, either.  (Both glare at Showrunner, who sighs) Fine, fine: I’ll cut the scene short and you won’t have to do any of that stuff.  Will that stave off the lawsuits your eyes are threatening?

Lead 3: Maybe.  It also makes zero sense for these characters, but I’ll be satisfied with no on-screen shenanigans.

Lead 4: And no kissing.  (To Lead 3) No offense; it’d just be too awkward.

Lead 3: None taken – I agree, and I don’t want your wife killing me, either.

Showrunner: Aw come on, watching people make out on-screen is so cathartic!

Lead 3 and Lead 4: NO!

Showrunner: (Sighs again and starts crossing out lines in the script) You win; it’ll just be heavily implied.  A lot of fans are going to be very disappointed, though.

Lead 3: Well, tell them that’s what fan fiction’s for!

Showrunner: Where do you think this idea came from?

Lead 4: Seriously?  Our characters got paired up in fan fiction?  (To Lead 3) I never played it that way; I thought we were just buddies, almost like siblings.

Lead 3: (Laughs ruefully) Pal, that’s where some of the most intense sagas there get started – not that I’ve actually read any of them…. (Sips water while looking everywhere else but at Lead 4)

Lead 1: As riveting as all these negotiations are, can we back to the actual reading before it’s time to start filming the season, please?

Lead 4: Why, are we upstaging you again?!

Lead 1: Yes!

Lead 4: Fair enough.

SEASON 4, EPISODE 10: SEASON FINALE

(Three quarters of the attendees have dozed off)

Showrunner: “Scene 257.  Interior.  A cozy living room.  A figure sits contemplatively in a chair facing a fireplace.”  (Looks up from the script and throws a piece of popcorn at Lead 7, who has been sleeping while leaning on folded arms on the table for almost the entire session) Oi!  That’s your cue!

Lead 7: (Startles awake and sits up) Huh?  What?  You killed off my character last season; I don’t even know what I’m doing here.

Showrunner: This is a flashback!

Lead 7: Oh.  Do you really need me, then?  Just use stock footage; not to sound disrespectful to everyone here, but I’m in the middle of a film shoot and don’t even care about this show anymore.

Showrunner: It’s a new flashback so we have to film it!  Read the line and collect your paycheck!

Lead 7: (Rubs tired eyes) Sure; something to do.  (Starts shifting through the pile of scripts to reach the bottom one; Lead 5 hands over a script open to the correct page) Thanks.

Lead 5: Don’t mention it – I got killed off two episodes ago and I’m just following along out of courtesy.

Lead 7: (Clears throat and reads flatly) “And so, as the black hole slowly devours our solar system, leaving Earth as the last sacrifice to its eternal greed, we come to that ultimate question that has defied the logic of ages: What truly is the meaning of life?”  (To Showrunner) If this is a flashback, when would my character ever have said this?  And to whom?  And where is this even supposed to be?!

Showrunner: And that is the question!

Lead 7: What?!

Showrunner: And now you’re done – you can go back to sleep.

Lead 7: (Hands the script back to Lead 5) Sounds like a plan.  (Lowers head and arms onto the table again and immediately falls back asleep)

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Showrunner: “Scene 3,072.  Interior/Exterior.  ---- and ------ are on opposite sides of an open doorway in yet another symbolic expression of this season’s themes as a reality-ending storm rends the fabric of spacetime around them.”  (To Lead 1 and Lead 2) This means you have to scream at each other to be heard, by the way.

Lead 1: (Braces self) “This is it!”  (Most of the attendees suddenly wake up) “The end of all things!”

Lead 2: (Braces self) “That’s what you said at the last seven reality-ending storms!”

Lead 1: “And I meant it, every time!”

Lead 2: “Guess this is good-bye forever, then!”

Lead 1: “I just have to tell you one last thing before we part for eternity!”

Lead 2: “I know!  You don’t have to say a word!  I will always love you too, my love!”

Lead 1: “Well… I actually wanted to say that I finally realized that I like you more than love you, if you know what I mean!”

Lead 2: “…What?!”

Lead 1: “I’ve grown to respect and admire you as a person, so that transcends the whole romantic, physical part of our relationship and makes it feel a bit mutually exploitative, to be honest!”

Lead 2: “…What?!”

Lead 1: “I do still love you, though!  Just in the Platonic ideal sense, which shows that I have truly evolved as a human being!”

Lead 2: “We’ve been intimate for almost five years and you’re just figuring this out now?!”

Lead 1: “Because now is the end of all things!”  (To Showrunner) I’m sorry, I gotta stop you right there –

Showrunner: (Working on a bag of candy) Nope!  It’s almost over, so we’re finishing this uninterrupted!

Lead 1: (Grinds teeth while looking back at the script) “My only regret is that we failed to save the universe this time, and soon all space and time will be flushed down the galactic toilet that is a supermassive black hole!”

Lead 2: “I know!  And more importantly, all our friends’ll be gone, too!  We’re losing everyone we care about!”

Showrunner: “At that exact moment, -------- and ------ ride up in a superhyperspeed-powered motorcycle.”

Lead 1: Unbelievable – upstaged again!

Showrunner: Wait your turn!  “Ride up in a superhyperspeed-powered motorcycle.”

Lead 3: “Speak for yourselves, losers!  We created our own supermassive wormhole that’ll take us to an alternate Earth where we’ll be safe and never have to deal with these cosmological hijinks ever again!”

Lead 4: “Sorry – not sorry – there’s no room for the two of you to come with us!  So… it’s been real!”

Lead 3: “You and me against the multiverse, babe!”

Lead 4: “I am so turned on right now!”

Showrunner: “They sloppily make out with undying passion – ”

Lead 3 and Lead 4: NO!

Showrunner: Right.  (Crosses out more lines and writes new ones)  “It’s heavily implied that they will sloppily make out with undying passion after they arrive on the alternate Earth, and they rev off at faster-than-light speed to their new destiny.”

Lead 3 and Lead 4: “Whoooo.”

Showrunner: A little more enthusiasm would be nice.

Lead 3: (Turns a page ahead) Wait, that’s our last line?!

Showrunner: This season, yeah.

Lead 4: (Mutters to Lead 3) This series, I’ll bet.

Showrunner: What?

Lead 4: What?

Lead 1: (Holding head in pain) Can we please wrap this up?!

Lead 2: I second that: we were supposed to end hours ago, and the daycare meter’s been running well into overtime.

Showrunner: Do not rush art!  And your own interruptions are not helping the cause, either.  (Returns to the script) “---- and ------ stare at each other with profound meaning as reality collapses around them.”

Lead 2: “The end!”

Lead 1: “Or is it?!”

(Everyone still reading the script turns the page)

Showrunner: “Cut to title card: TO BE CONTINUED.”  (Sets down the script and looks around the room triumphantly) The End!  For this season.  So, what do you all think?

(Mostly silence, and soft snores from those who had fallen back into a doze)

Lead 1: It… may need to be workshopped a bit.

Lead 2: A lot.

Showrunner: Children, we start filming in a few weeks; I told you there’s no room in my tightly plotted scripts for major revisions!

Lead 3: Then I’ve only got one thing left to say: brace yourself for the backlash.

Showrunner: Oh.  Right.  That.

ONE YEAR LATER

(In the same conference room with almost all the same people as last time; nearly everyone looks dour)

Showrunner: Hiiiiiii, everyone!  I hope you all had a great hiatus!  (There is a chorus of “Hmmmmm”s) So!  The reviews are in and by now you’ve all heard the, how shall I put this, not-so-great –

Lead 4: Abysmal.

Showrunner: – could-have-been-better response, which of course is no reflection on the hard work of every single person in this room.  You should all be proud of yourselves, yaaaay!  (Claps alone)

Lead 6: Can I just say that this was the easiest paycheck I ever earned?  I had the best time, and the fans even wanted me back!

Lead 5: I envy you so much, you have no idea.

Lead 1: (To Showrunner) Regarding the elephant in the room: I noticed this time we neither got scripts during hiatus or on our way in here.

Lead 3: (Holds a hand up to one side as if whispering a secret that everyone can hear) Spoiler alert: there aren’t any.

Showrunner: There are too!  I wrote a beautiful and moving Season 5 that will make the world weep!  (They all stare at Showrunner) But, I got word from the studio this morning that the show’s been cancelled so, yeah.  No Season 5, unfortunately, children.

Lead 2: Yeah, we pretty much all figured that was the only logical outcome for this situation.

Lead 4: Good thing I recently was cast as the lead in an exciting new adventure series that critics already are comparing to this show, “when it was good,” so I guess you would’ve had to kill off my character this season anyway.

Lead 3: (To Lead 4) Aw, you got the role?  Congratulations!

Lead 4: Thanks!  They’re still looking to cast a few more regulars if you’re interested, and can take time during the other five shows you’re on now.

Lead 3: Send me the info – I grab all the shows I can get!

Lead 1: (To Lead 2) They never stop, do they?  It’s like a compulsion.

Lead 2: I physically cannot care any less than I do at this very moment.

Showrunner: Some good news, though: we got nominated again for lots of awards, including – you guessed it – Best Actor, yay!

Lead 1: I’m frankly amazed myself.

Lead 2: So am I.  (Lead 1 glares at the other) What?  Admit it: this year we both checked out before principal photography even began.

Lead 1: (Looks away shiftily) I thought that was an unspoken understanding for all of us….

Lead 3: Um, not those of us who actually take our craft seriously!  Unworthy.

Lead 4: (To Showrunner) So: any reason this is a meeting and not an e-mail?

Showrunner: Glad you asked!  We may not be able to film Season 5 per se, but there’s no reason why the storylines and most of the dialogue can’t be salvaged and plugged into an amazing new series that I want everyone here to be a part of – (Everyone else in the room stands up and leaves) Rude.  Eh, who needs them?  I can always post it in fan fiction.

Story 504: Obligation Pile-Up

“Don’t forget you have to pick up the kids after soccer practice tonight.”

“Oh shoot, I already did forget – what time is that?”

“7:00.”

“Shoot, I’m supposed to be on a teleconference for work at 7:00.”

“Why?”

“They want us to work all hours, what do I know?”

“Well, your children will be waiting for you at 7:00.”

“They’re your children too; can’t you pick them up tonight?”

“…I’m still out of the country settling my parents’ estate!”

“Oh right.  That’s still going on?”

“Good-bye.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

             “Ready for the conference on Thursday?  It’ll be fun to go to the casino afterward, if I don’t fall asleep in the hotel room first.”

“Wait a minute, that’s this Thursday?!”

“Yes, it’s been this Thursday since it was booked last year.”

“Oh no, I thought it was next week!  I told my friend I’d babysit that night, I even wrote it on the calendar, what-am-I-gonna-dooooooo?????”

“You thought to write babysitting on the calendar but not a work conference?”

“Babysitting was a higher priority!  What-am-I-gonna-dooooooo?????!!!!!”

“I dunno, take the kid with you?”

“I – hey, that’s not a bad idea.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Hey, I got the tickets all ready for the show on Friday – I saved them to my phone AND printed copies, so one of them’s bound to work.”

“Right, about the show: could you pick me up at the boardwalk on your way to the theater?”

“Aaaand, why would I be picking you up there instead of at home?”

“I may have agreed to work a shift at the arcade that ends at 7:30 that night.”

“The show starts at 8!”

“…Plenty of time.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “So, I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year and was wondering if you could bring some dessert like cookies or a sheet cake or a chocolate fondue assortment – you know, nothing major.”

“Wait a minute, you’re hosting Thanksgiving this year?  Didn’t you tell me a while ago that you’re defending your doctoral thesis that week?”

“What’s your point?”

“How are you going to prepare all the food when you’re simultaneously preparing your oral defense?!”

“Despite everyone’s insistence to the contrary, I’ve personally found sleep to be highly overrated.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“Wanna meet up for dinner this Saturday?”

“Can’t – got the kids’ karate tournament.  What about Sunday?”

“Can’t – got my cousin’s graduation party.  What about next Saturday?”

“Can’t – gotta stay with my grandmother that night while everyone else goes to a wedding.  What about next Sunday?”

“Can’t – gotta work that night for a group project that’s due that Monday, and we all have to wait until that date for stuff to be processed `cause it’s on a schedule.  What about the following Saturday?”

“Can’t – we’ll be in the mountains getting away from it all.  What about the following following Saturday?”

“Can’t – we’ll be at the shore getting away from it all.  What about – ?”

“Gonna cut you off right there and say ‘Can’t’ – how about a weeknight instead?”

“Mondays to Thursdays are permanently booked with sports practice, band practice, and/or clubs for all ages, and Fridays are the only nights where we can actually take a breath but I can make an exception this one time.”

“Forget it – Fridays are the only nights we can take a breath, too.”