Story 580: Constantly Cancelled Haircut

             (At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the front door)

Sibling 1: (Running from the direct opposite end of the apartment) Coooooomiiiiiiiiing!  (Flings open the door) Hey, come on in!

Sibling 2: (Enters and closes the door) Thanks, but we gotta go soon.

Sibling 1: (Running around grabbing things off of furniture) Sure-sure, just grabbing my keys, and my wallet, and my phone, and the tickets, and a snack, and –

Sibling 2: (Still standing by the door) And this is why I got here 15 minutes earlier than I really needed to.

Sibling 1: Exactly!  (Skids to a stop in front of Sibling 2 while shoving items into pants pockets) You do something different with your hair?

Sibling 2: Hm?  Oh – (Runs a hand self-consciously over the back of the head) yeah, I let it go longer between haircuts this winter – wasn’t paying attention – but I have an appointment to chop it off next Thursday.

Sibling 1: OK.  (Shrugs)  Looks good this way, though.  (Starts running around grabbing things again)

Sibling 2: Really?  (Leans over to look in a wall mirror and fusses with the hair a bit) I figured it looked all shaggy and messy by now.

Sibling 1: (Yelling from the bedroom) Nah, it looks relaxed and natural – besides, shaggy and messy are in!

Sibling 2: (Looks away from the mirror) They are?

Sibling 1: (Hopping up the hallway while tugging on shoes) I have no idea, but it sounds good, right?

Sibling 2: (Rolls eyes) Thanks for the effort, but it’s trickling down the back of my neck and getting annoying so I’m still chopping it off next week.

Sibling 1: (Pulling on a coat) All righty – you gonna donate any of it?

Sibling 2: (Stares at Sibling 1 in disbelief) It’s not that long!  And besides, I doubt anyone’d want it with all the grays streaked through that are increasing by the hour.

Sibling 1: Hey, I wouldn’t turn it down.

Sibling 2: I’ll save it for you, then.  (The two stand there for a few moments) So, you ready now or what?

Sibling 1: Yep – off we go!  (Sibling 2 turns to open the door)  Ooh, wait, the tickets!  (Runs back to the bedroom)

Sibling 2: (Sighs, crosses arms, and leans back against the door) I’ll wait!  (Mutters) I can feel more grays coming out in the past five minutes alone.

NEXT THURSDAY

(In an office, Sibling 2 is working in a cubicle)

Sibling 2: (Typing) “…and that… is why… Casual Friday is a must….”

Coworker: (Stopping by) Hey, you going to the budget meeting coming up soon?

Sibling 2: (Turns in chair to face Coworker) No, I begged off that one – I have nothing to contribute except my snores.

Coworker: Heh-heh, lucky.  By the way, you growing out your hair or something?

Sibling 2: (Starts to reach up to run a hand self-consciously over the back of the head, but stops and yanks hand back down) No, I just let it go for a bit longer than usual – getting it cut tonight, actually.

Coworker: Heh, I was gonna say: “Get a haircut, hippie!”, ahahahahahaha!  (Laughs very loudly while leaving)

Sibling 2: (Turns in chair to face the computer; softly) Heh, heh, heh, ya weirdo.  (Types for a few moments before the cell phone rings; Sibling 2 checks the caller ID, frowns slightly, and answers) Hello?

Voice: Hi, this is the ---- ----, calling to let you know that we had a gas leak this afternoon and have to shut down for the next few days, so we unfortunately have to reschedule your appointment tonight.

Sibling 2: Oh yeah, of course – is everyone there all right?

Voice: Oh yes, we’re all fine, thank you: no explosions, so that’s always a plus.  (Sibling 2 double-takes) Does same time next Thursday work for you?

Sibling 2: Umm, let me check…. (Checks a calendar on the phone) That day’s out for me; is the following Saturday morning open?

Voice: …Yes, I can put you in for 10:00.

Sibling 2: Perfect, thanks!  And, good luck with the leak and all that.

Voice: Thank you – we’ll need it.

Sibling 2: What?  (Call ends; Sibling 2 puts away the phone, then briefly runs fingers through longer hair) Just another week won’t do much, right?

NEXT SATURDAY

Voice: (From the speaker of Sibling 2’s cell phone) Hello, this is the ---- ----, how may I help you?

Sibling 2: (Sitting on the bathroom floor, leaning exhaustedly against the toilet, and speaking hoarsely in the general direction of the cell phone on the floor nearby) Hi, I had a 10:00 appointment today –

Voice: “Had”?!

Sibling 2: Yeah, and either I ate poison last night or someone evil at work is spreading the stomach bug undercover, but whatever it was woke me up at 5 a.m. and hasn’t let me be since.

Voice: Yes, well, don’t come in here, then!

Sibling 2: …That’s why I’m calling.

Voice: Of course.

Sibling 2: (Tries to re-tie hair back with a rubber band but the shorter strands keep slipping out) Can we reschedule for next Saturday, please?

Voice: Let’s see… no, unfortunately that’s all booked.  Can you do another weeknight?

Sibling 2: (Rubs eyes and scrunches face in thought) Uh, yeah, how about Wednesday?  I should be all clear of this by then.

Voice: …Yes!  I can put you in for 5:30.

Sibling 2: (Gets a panicked look) Yeah-that’s-great-thanks-bye!  (Tries and misses hitting the hang-up button on the phone right before stomach bug loudly returns)

Voice: …Bye.  Gross.  (Calls ends)

NEXT MONTH

(At Sibling 1’s apartment, there is a knock on the front door)

Sibling 1: (Running from the direct opposite end of the apartment) Coooooomiiiiiiiiing!  (Flings open the door) Hey!  Everything all right?

Sibling 2: (Wearing a bulging baseball cap) No.  Can I come in?

Sibling 1: Of course!  (Lets in Sibling 2 and shuts the door) What’s wrong?

Sibling 2: (As they both walk into the living room) Sorry to drop in like this, but it felt ridiculous to say over the phone, and I’ve been driving all around and don’t know who else to go to who wouldn’t laugh in my face when they heard the story, and this has gone on so long that I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t!

Sibling 1: All right, calm down; you’re starting to sound hysterical, and I’m the only one of us allowed to do that.

Sibling 2: I know!  (Collapses onto the couch and covers face with hands)

Sibling 1: (Sits next to Sibling 2) Sooooooo – what’s the matter?

Sibling 2: (Uncovers face) You remember how I was supposed to get my hair cut over a month ago, and it was starting to get long then?

Sibling 1: Oh yeah – we really haven’t seen each since then?  Wow.

Sibling 2: Yeah, sorry about that; time passing me by clearly has become a bad habit with me lately.

Sibling 1: Eh, I forgot about you for a while, too.

Sibling 2: Anyway, the place had a gas leak, and then I had a stomach bug, and then the staff went on strike, and then we had that freak blizzard, and then I had to go to that wake, and then the staff went on strike again, and then –

Sibling 1: Whoa, whoa, wait; are you saying you still haven’t gotten your hair cut in all that time?!

(Sibling 2 looks embarrassedly at Sibling 1, then takes off the cap; long silvery tresses tumble out)

Sibling 1: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! (Sibling 2 glares) Sorry – I know I’m supposed to be the one who doesn’t laugh in your face; I just didn’t expect such… flowing locks.  (Gently pets the mane) It’s really soft.

Sibling 2: (Shakes off Sibling 1) Knock it off!  This has gotten so out of control, and appointments keep getting cancelled over and over and over, and every day there’s more hair, hair, everywhere, I almost wanna cry!

Sibling 1: OK, well, I’m sure another hair salon or barber shop can take care of it – just find a walk-in one and wait.

Sibling 2: I tried!  None of the ones around here take walk-ins; they’re appointment-only!  I feel like I’m cursed by inconvenient scheduling!

Sibling 1: Really?  Not one?  That’s odd.

Sibling 2: You’re telling me!  And now my hair’s so long I can’t cut it myself without it looking even worse!

Sibling 1: (Starts fiddling with the ends) Oh, I wouldn’t say that – I’m sure a chainsaw would do just fine.

Sibling 2: (Buries face in hands again) It’s catching on everything!

Sibling 1: (Thinks for a bit) Want me to braid it?

Sibling 2: (Looks coldly at Sibling 1) I want you to cut it!

Sibling 1: (In realization) Ohhhhh.  But it looks good this way.

Sibling 2: I DON’T CARE!

Sibling 1: Rude.  (Stands and holds out an arm toward the hallway) OK, then: step into my parlor.

Sibling 2: (Stomps to the bathroom, muttering) So embarrassing; I need to ask my own family to cut my hair like I’m a five-year-old –

Sibling 1: (Following) If nothing else, it’s certainly cheaper.

(Later in the bathroom, Sibling 2 with wet hair sits on a chair back up against the sink, which is covered in paper towels; Sibling 1 enters wearing a lead apron and carrying a toolbox)

Sibling 1: All right, Rapunzel, we begin with the pruning shears.  (Quickly snaps them open and shut to demonstrate)

Sibling 2: (Grabs Sibling 1’s wrist) No-no-no!  Regular scissors only!

Sibling 1: But those are my good scissors.

Sibling 2: They’ll survive!

Sibling 1: (Grumbles while setting down the shears and going to kitchen) Picky, picky, picky – it’s not like I’d lop off an ear, I know what I’m doing….

Sibling 2: (Yells toward the door) I doubt it!

Sibling 1: (Returns with a pair of scissors) OK, customer-is-always-right, where do you want me to start?

Sibling 2: Just chop off the big chunks first and then trim from there!

Sibling 1: Got it.  (Sibling 2 leans back as Sibling 1 combs and smooths out the hair) You know, even with all the grays, you’ve really got good color and volume.

Sibling 2: (Through gritted teeth) Thanks.

Sibling 1: Just saying, people who are prematurely bald or lost their hair in other ways would love to have –

Sibling 2: Would-you-just-get-on-with-it?!

Sibling 1: Fine.  (Readies the scissors) You asked for it.

Sibling 1: Huh?

<SNIP!>

ONE HOUR LATER

(Sibling 2 is standing in front of the sink and facing the mirror while finishing shaving hair to a fine fuzz)

Sibling 2: (Sets the razor on the counter, grabs a towel, and vigorously rubs head with it until most of the extra pieces are gone) There!  Now it’s even!

Sibling 1: (Watching from the doorway) Hey, I never claimed to have a cosmetology license.

Sibling 2: No, but you can measure two sides so that they’re even, yes?

Sibling 1: No.

Sibling 2: Well, it’s finally done, and I’m free from all… this!  (Rubs smooth head and neck all around, then snatches up all the paper towels filled with the locks of hair, briefly holding them out to Sibling 1) Here’s your chance – want it?

Sibling 1: No thank you.

Sibling 2: (Dumps the paper towels holding hair into the garbage can) And now, I’m going back to my life without unwanted hair dragging me down!  And if I hear one more comment at work about how I was a flower child reject, I’m gonna start giving all of them free haircuts!  (Walks past Sibling 1)

Sibling 1: Ahem.

Sibling 2: (Turns back) Oh yeah, thanks for all your help, you’ve been a real pal, I’ve gotta go send in my taxes now before I get fined forever, talk to you later, bye!  (Runs out the front door)

Sibling 1: (Shakes head in resignation) I expect too much, I suppose.  (Cleans up the rest of the hair mess and is carrying the toolbox back to the coat closet when loud banging is heard at the front door; Sibling 1 sets down the toolbox and slowly opens the door) I’m sorry, but the salon is closed for the day.

Sibling 2: Hilarious – could you grab my cap that I left on the couch, please?

Sibling 1: Why, whatever could you need it for, now that you’re so “free”?

Sibling 2: Because it’s still winter outside and now my head is freezing!

Story 442: Hair in the Eye of the Beholder

 (In Friend 1’s apartment, an alarm radio goes off in the morning)

Radio DJ: – enough of you ungrateful listeners: I come in here at 6 a.m. every weekday on two hours’ sleep and have to scream like a maniac for nearly four hours straight; and my day doesn’t end at 10 a.m., oh no, I’ve still got hours of show planning and ad recordings and all those extra events the station hosts, and all of you at home in your cozy PJs and hot coffee and burnt toast have the nerve to call me lazy?!  You have no idea, no idea –

Friend 1: (Had opened one eye while listening, then slams a hand on the radio button to turn it off) Finally lost it, eh?  About time.

(Slowly goes through morning ablutions, eats a minimal breakfast, then double-takes while passing a mirror on the way out the door)

Friend 1: (Peers closer, tugging on a long lock of hair) Ew, gettin’ a little shaggy and gross there, my friend.  Guess I’ll have to schedule a haircut soon.  (Thinks about everything involved in that ordeal) Ughhhh….  (Leaves for work)

(At an office, Friend 1 walks with Coworker to a conference room)

Friend 1: I can’t take much more of these consultant meetings – I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m interviewing for my own job.

Coworker: I think we are, actually.

Friend 1: Oh.  Well that’s a bummer.

Coworker: Yeah, that’s why I’ve been dressing a little more business and a little less casual lately – (Stops to straighten suit jacket) Do I look all right?

Friend 1: (Also stops and does a quick appraisal) Yes, you look very professional and job-worthy.  How about me?

Coworker: You look fine.

Friend 1: Doesn’t sound as promising, but thanks.

Coworker: You know, not to get too personal but I love what you’ve done with your hair.

Friend 1: Heh?

Coworker: Did you get it done recently, or do you use a certain product?  It looks fantastic.

Friend 1: …Is this some sort of twisted joke to lighten the ominous mood around here?

Coworker: Not at all – it must’ve taken you hours to get that careless tousled look.  I wish my hair could do that; all I’ve got are tight-ringed curls that always look the same, what a nightmare.

Friend 1: …. (Blinks) …Seriously?!

Coworker: Yes!  What’s the matter?

Friend 1: I haven’t washed my hair in over three days!  Brushing does nothing lately!  It needs to be mowed, by a chainsaw!  What on Earth are you going on about?!

Coworker: Oh.  Guess it’s hideous, then.  (Resumes walking to the meeting)

Friend 1: That one’s having a laugh.  (Sees a reflective surface and runs a hand through the mess) Eurgh, it’s feeling greasier by the second.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are in Hour 2 on an advanced trail)

Friend 2: I feel like I could do these trails all day, but if I ever had to do any real hiking, up a mountain or something, I have a sneaking suspicion I wouldn’t make it past the first mile.

Friend 1: Yeah, it’s always best to avoid situations that’d expose our inadequacy.  (Takes off a cap briefly to scratch head)

Friend 2: (Looking over) Oh, wow.

Friend 1: What, it’s not another tick, is it?!

Friend 2: No, nothing like that, it’s just – your hair looks amazing right now, I can’t believe it.

Friend 1: (Stops and stares at Friend 2, who also stops) I thought we’d agreed never to lie to each other.

Friend 2: (Laughs) I’m not, Paranoia: I’d figure with the hat and the sweat it’d be a bit messy, but I think all that’s actually working to make it look nice.  You know, that wavy, windswept, studied indifference look.  Wish I could get mine to do that – right now it’s all stringy and blah.

Friend 1: I don’t get it.

Friend 2: Well, we’ve been walking a long time and I’d rather not take my hat off to show you but –

Friend 1: Not yours, mine!  You’re the second person to say it looks great when I know it’s a disaster!

Friend 2: Doesn’t look like a disaster, though.

Friend 1: How can you say that?!  I haven’t washed it in four days; it hasn’t been styled or even trimmed in over six months; the layers are all grown out and in my eyes; its default mode is oil slick; it looks like garbage and IT FEELS LIKE TRASH!

Friend 2: (Shrugs and continues walking) The combination of all that must be perfect, then.  Although you probably want to wash it more often just for personal hygiene, though.

Friend 1: I’ve been busy!

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (At a hair salon)

Friend 1: (Is led to the hair washing station by a trainee, leans back in the seat, and closes eyes) Ahhhhh, this’ll be a relief, let me tell you.

Trainee: (Laughs obligingly while preparing the shampoo) We aim to please – oh, wow.

Friend 1: (Opens one eye) What?

Trainee: I have to say, your hair looks a-maz-ing like that – you sure you want us to do anything to it?

Friend 1: (Opens other eye) What?!

Trainee: (To Hairdresser passing by) Hey – here’s your 5:30; have you ever seen such locks?

Hairdresser: (Walks over to the other two to look) You know, we’re not supposed to comment on the clients’ appearance – oh, wow.

Trainee: I know, right?!

Hairdresser: Those waves, those layers – (To Friend 1) I have to ask: what’s your secret?

Friend 1: Dirt.

Hairdresser: Hm?

Friend 1: I haven’t washed it in days `cause I was coming here!  To have it washed right now, as a matter of fact!

Hairdresser: Oh.  But those waves….

Friend 1: Untouched by a professional for half a year: what you see before you is the result of extreme negligence and the ravages of time!

Hairdresser: (Pulls out a cell phone) Mind if I take a picture in case other clients want to duplicate this… fantastic look?

Friend 1: (Closes eyes again) Go right ahead.

 THE NEXT DAY

(At a movie theater lobby, Friend 2 sees Friend 1 enter, wearing a hat)

Friend 2: So?  Did you get your hair all fixed to your satisfaction?

Friend 1: I did indeed.  (Whips off the hat to show a short, sharp haircut) It feels wonderful and so freeing – what do you think?

Friend 2: …I think it makes you happy.

Friend 1: That’s a non-answer; you don’t have to love it, but isn’t it at least an improvement over the landfill that was perched on my head before?

Friend 2: Honestly?

Friend 1: Preferably.

Friend 2: I liked it better the way it was before.

Friend 1: Un-freaking-believable.