Story 533: House-and-Pet Sitter for Hire

 WEDNESDAY MORNING

            (Employee lies on the couch playing a video game on a tablet, pausing it when the phone rings)

Employee: Hey, what’s up?

Manager: (Voice) You do realize that the third no-call/no-show means you’re fired, don’t you?

Employee: Oh yeah, I’d been meaning to talk to you about that: I really can’t take the toxic work environment there anymore, so I decide not to expose myself to it ever again.  I probably won’t get unemployment either, but I figured the trade-off was worth it in the long run.

Manager: (Voice) …Please take me with you.

Employee: Sure, it’s amazingly easy to do.  Requires literally no effort on your part.

Manager: (Voice) …No, what am I saying?!  I can’t cold-bloodedly commit – (Whispers) “Job Abandonment”!  (Normal volume) How would I sleep at night?!

Employee: Same as you do every night, only with less stress I’d bet.

Manager: (Voice; sighs) It’s all those other things too, you know: steady paycheck, health benefits, the forever-unrealized hope of an actual vacation.  You gonna be OK with all that gone now?

Employee: Yeah, I’ll be fine – I’ll figure out something.

Manager: All right: best of luck to you then, and send some of it my way while you’re at it.

Employee: I would, but I don’t share – bye!  (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the couch, and opens an Internet browser on the tablet) Let’s see: easy money, easy money…. (Reviews several search results) “Rideshare Driver” – ugh, driving…. “Bike Messenger” – ugh, bicycling…. “Dog Walker” – ugh, walking…. Oh hello, what’s this?  “House-and-Pet Sitter Needed ASAP”.  (Pulls up a description of the position which includes a photo of a ginormous mansion) Yeah, dogs are walking right to the ol’ backyard – I’m in.  (Accepts the posting and leaps off the couch to pack an overnight bag and take a bus to the mansion)

 ONE HOUR LATER

            (Employee struggles up a steep hill to the mansion, gasping and sweating under the hot Sun.  At the end of the driveway, Employee grabs onto the gate for support which causes it to swing open)

Employee: Aw, how thoughtful.  (Struggles up the long, long driveway; on reaching the house and lumbering up many steps to the front entrance, the door suddenly flings opens to reveal Employer wearing a nice suit, light gloves, and a long coat with a dog excitedly barking nearby)

Employer: (Hurriedly) Hi, you’re the one who answered the ad right away?

Employee: (Hunched over at the knees to catch breath; gives a slight wave) Yep – [GASP] – that’s me.

Employer: Great, come on in!  (Turns around and trots through a hallway into the kitchen, followed by the eager dog.  Employee, recovered, strolls in afterward, eyes widening while slowly taking in the massive luxury all around) In here!

Employee: Right!  (Lightly jogs in to the kitchen)

Employer: (Ripping open a large bag of high quality dog food) Yeah, I’m kind of in a hurry – I have to get going soon, but first I had to go out and get some more dog food since the bowls were ABSOLUTELY EMPTY!  (Nearly spills out the food with a massive tear)

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Pours a lot of food into a bowl) Sorry, it’s just – seeing this – argh!  And the water bowls were empty, too!

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Looks back at Employee) Yes!  You understand!  (Brings the overflowing bowl down to the floor to the patiently waiting dog, who devours the contents; rubs the dogs ears soothingly) Yes my love, you were literally starving weren’t you, yes you were!  (Gives a pat on the head, stands to grab another bowl, opens the refrigerator, takes out a fancy water bottle, and pours its contents into the bowl) Unbelievable.  And to top it off, there were no treats in sight either so I had to pick up those, too!  (Gestures to another bag on the counter)

Employee: …OK.

Employer: So, what you see here?  Twice a day, 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.; treat around 1; pretty simple, right?

Employee: Right.

Employer: And the backyard’s immense, so let sweetums here do business wherever there.

Employee: …If you insist.

Employer: (Sets down the full water bowl next to the food; the dog then begins lapping that up furiously as Employer rubs the ears again) So thirsty, my love!  That’s just terrible…. (Clenches other hand)

Employee: (Has been looking around the kitchen unobtrusively) So, that go for all the dogs, then?

Employer: (Looks up at Employee) Hm?

Employee: (Gestures to the other bowls laid out near the still-drinking dog) Looks like there are about five dogs here.

Employer: (Focuses on rubbing the dog’s back) Oh, the other four ran off earlier this morning.

Employee: Oh!  (Cringes slightly) Do you… want me to go look for them?

Employer: (Sharply) They’re better off!

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Gives one last pat and stands again) So!  Let me give you the five-minute tour.  (Opens wide the combination freezer-fridge for Employee to see) Eat all the food you want here and in the pantry. 

Employee: Mmm….

Employer: (Gestures Employee to follow into multiple living/game rooms) Watch and play anything you want, even if it says credit card payment’s required.

Employee: Ooh….

(They both walk upstairs, followed by the dog)

Employer: (Opening bedroom and bathroom doors) Sleep anywhere and everywhere you like, and use all the soaps and towels you want.

Employee: Ooohhhh….

Employer: (Opens the door to a massive closet in the master bedroom) Wear anything that takes your fancy in here, including the shoes.

Employee: Oooohhhh – although I don’t think I’m quite the right size.

Employer: I’m sure there’s something that’ll do; keep whatever you want from here.

Employee: Ha-ha-ha – seriously?!

Employer: You have no idea.

Employee: Umm….

(They go back downstairs and out the back door, sans dog, to survey the adventure park that is the backyard)

Employer: (Points to each area) Inground heated pool – tennis court – go-kart track – bouncy castle.  Any supplies not already out here are in the shed; lock’s busted so you can go right in.

Employee: Cool.

(They walk over to the open garage)

Employer: (Opens one of the five cars parked inside and grabs a set of keys from under the driver’s side Sun visor) You drive?

Employee: When the situation calls for it.

Employer: (Tosses the keys to Employee, who almost fumbles catching them) It’s yours – consider it your payment since I don’t have cash handy.  Title’ll be transferred to your name later.

Employee: (Stares at the keys and Employer in disbelief) No way!  (Eyes narrow in suspicion) What’s the catch?

Employer: No catch; just do exactly what you were hired for.  (Both walk back into the house; Employer picks up the waiting dog and pets the latter affectionately) Especially take care of this precious little lovey-wovey dumpling!

Employee: (Pockets the car keys) Oh, I definitely will.

Employer: Good.  (Sets down the dog with one last pat) Well, I’m off – call 911 if you need anything.  (Heads to the front door)

Employee: (Follows in slight confusion, with the dog not far behind) Wait a minute, is there a security system I should set or something?  Or house keys in case I need to go out, even though I really don’t want to, ever?

Employer: (Chuckles) Don’t worry about it.  (Employee double-takes; Employer reaches the front door, scoops up a large sack that was sitting on the floor next to it, and turns to the former) It’s posted all over social media that the trip’s done by Monday night around 7:00 so please leave before then, and wipe down everything you touched before you go.

Employee: (Slightly crestfallen) Right, of course.

Employer: (Opens the front door, then turns to Employee again) Oh, one more thing: feel free to trash the place.

Employee: (Laughs, then stops at Employer’s somber face) What?

Employer: Seriously: trash it.  It’ll bring me joy.  (Smiles down at the dog, standing next to Employee with tail wagging in glee) Bye-bye, baby!  (Blows kisses to the dog and leaves with a slamming door, followed soon after by the sounds of a revving engine and screeching tires)

Employee: (Stares down at the dog, who merrily stares back) If this is a dream, I don’t wanna wake up.  (Proceeds to spend the next six days living in luxury, using everything inside and outside the mansion and having a blast with the dog as they play all day, every day to Employee’s mental soundtrack of party songs)

MONDAY – 7:00 P.M.

(Employee is napping curled up with the dog on a couch while a paid move plays on the giant TV in the main living room when the front door opens)

Employee: (Stirring awake as the dog sits up and begins to bark, then checks watch) Oh, shoot, honeymoon’s over – gonna get kicked out of paradise now.  (Rubs face while slowly getting up; the dog bounces off the couch and trots over to the stranger who enters the living room with a wheeled suitcase and a garment bag; both humans freeze on seeing each other)

Stranger: Who the blazes are you?!

Employee: I could ask you the very same question.

Stranger: I live here!  (Uses a leg to shoo away the dog trying to cuddle)

Employee: Oh.  Well, your spouse or butler or whoever hired me to watch the place and the dog, so….

Stranger: (Still shooing away the dog while setting down the suitcase and the bag) What in the world are you talking about?

Employee: (Rubs eyes some more) Yeah, sorry I’m still here when you got back; I was told I should leave before now, but you know when you get really comfortable –

Stranger: Hold on, hold on – told by who?  I’m the only one who lives here!

Employee: (Blinks a few times) Umm… I am extremely confused right now….

Stranger: (Walks to a panel on a wall) Yep: security system’s busted – gate was left wide open – (Sees that the other rooms are very lived in) – place is a mess, and I bet half my stuff is gone.  (Takes out a cell phone and starts dialing) You’re the most inept thief ever.  Don’t even think about running – I’m calling the cops.

Employee: (Finally wakes up fully and also takes out a cell phone) Whoa-whoa-whoa, don’t call the cops – yet; I just answered a job ad!  (Brings up the ad and holds out the phone to Stranger)

Stranger: What?

Employee: An ad!  For a house-and-pet sitter!  (Hands over the phone to Stranger, then looks down at the expectant dog) Speaking of which – time for your extra treat!  (Employee and the dog skip into the kitchen as Stranger slowly follows while reading the posting; Employee feeds the dog a biscuit) I probably started a bad habit with this, but when those big eyes look at you so sweetly, how can we mere humans resist?  (Rubs the dog’s ears fondly)

Stranger: (Hands the phone back to Employee, who stands to take it) I didn’t place this ad.

Employee: (Pockets the phone with a shrug) Oh, well, like I said, that cousin or personal assistant or whoever hired me.

Stranger: And like I said, I’m the only one who lives here!  (Suddenly looks around the kitchen) And where are all the other beasts?!

Employee: (Raises eyebrows) I was told that the other dogs ran off before I got here.

Stranger: What?!  They were worth thousands more than that little runt who stayed behind!  (Employee protectively picks up the dog as Stranger darts over to the door that leads to the garage and turns on a light in there, voice echoing from below) Ah!  My favorite car’s gone!  (Employee surreptitiously takes keys out of a pants pocket and sticks them in a random drawer as Stranger runs back into the kitchen and points to the former) You!  Follow me!  Now!

Employee: (Petting the oblivious dog) Must I?

Stranger: Yes!

(They go upstairs to see the very lived-in bedrooms and bathrooms)

Employee: (Sheepishly, still cuddling the dog) I’ll clean all this up.

Stranger: (Seething) Don’t bother – it might mess up the evidence.  (Strides into the master bedroom, flings open the closet door, pauses momentarily at the sight of disheveled clothes and shoes, and crouches down to the floor safe)

Employee: (As face is being licked by the dog) Should I step outside for a minute?

Stranger: (Gritting teeth while entering a code) No point.  (Opens the safe, which only contains a folded piece of paper)

Employee: (Peers over Stranger’s shoulder as the latter takes out the paper with a hand shaking in anger) I’m assuming it wasn’t that empty when you last left it.

Stranger: No it was not.  (Opens up the note)

Employee: (Shifts the dog slightly to read over Stranger’s shoulder) “Consider yourself lucky – next time I’ll call the ASPCA for suspected animal cruelty.”

(Stranger stands suddenly and faces Employee)

Stranger: How much money you want to keep the dog and never breathe a word about any of this to a single soul?

Employee: (Nuzzling the contentedly napping dog) No worries – I’ve been paid enough.

Story 506: The Fall From Summer

 (At an outdoor public pool, Friend 1 and Friend 2 lie stretched out on lounge chairs, reading waterproof books and watching families splash around in glee)

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) So, are you going to spend more than five minutes in the pool we paid $15 to spend all day in?

Friend 1: Are you?

Friend 2: …Maybe.

Friend 1: Same.  Besides, it’s more of the social experience than the actual getting-wet part.

Friend 2: You haven’t said one word to anyone here besides me; we could have done the same thing at a park for free.

Friend 1: But this way feels as if we’re at least making an effort.

Swimmer: (Climbs out of the pool and nods at Friend 1 and Friend 2 while passing their chairs) Good morning!

Friend 2: Good –

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me.

Friend 2: MORNING, hope you’re having a great day!

Swimmer: (Continues on uncertainly) Uh, thanks, you too.

Friend 2: (To Friend 1) You know, at this rate I’m shocked no one’s smacked you for your rudeness yet.

Friend 1: So am I.  (They both return to reading.  After several moments, a gentle breeze wafts by; Friend 1 suddenly sits up, ripping off sunglasses and hissing through clenched teeth) Did you feel that?!

Friend 2: (Tiredly, without looking up from the book) What, did you get splashed by a stray drop of water from an inconsiderate child in the giant pool we’re sitting in front of?

Friend 1: No!  Well yes, but I’ve risen above it – no, I was referring to that, that… (Points up to the sky) ill-omened wind.

Friend 2: I… felt a slight breeze for less than a second, if that’s what you meant.

Friend 1: Oh, that was no breeze: that was The Herald.  The Harbinger.  The Portent of Things to Come.

Friend 2 I didn’t hear there’s supposed to be rain today.

Friend 1: I’m talking about fall!  It’s here already, can’t you feel it?!  (The breeze wafts once more) There it is again!

Friend 2: It’ll be over 90° Fahrenheit for the next week.

Friend 1: Doesn’t matter!  We’re in September: the planet tilting away from the Sun in this hemisphere has reached the tipping point, the coolness of dread has begun, there’s no going back, the magic is over!

Friend 2: Calm down.

Friend 1: How can I when summer has come to a crashing end and all joy has ceased to be?!  (Notices that everyone in the pool had stopped splashing and now are staring at both of them)  I’m rehearsing lines for a play.  (They shrug and return to splashing)

Friend 2: I would be embarrassed but you manage to draw all attention to yourself, so thanks for that at least.  (Returns to reading)

Friend 1: (Lies back on the lounge chair and shoves sunglasses back on) That’s right, continue on in your ignorant bliss; I’ll mourn the passing of fun times and the illusion of permanent youth in silence.

Friend 2: Please do.

(The next day, Friend 1 approaches the main counter in a café)

Barista: Hi!  How can I help you toady?

Friend 1: I would like a giant refresher, please.

Barista: (Winces slightly) Sorry, those aren’t on the menu anymore until next summer.

Friend 1: It still is summer for another three weeks; I have a cactus on my windowsill that melted just this morning.

Barista: Yeah, but you know how it is in the World of Retail: end of August means Back-to-School sales, Halloween decorations, and fake Christmas trees.  Would you like me to whip you up a pumpkin-spice something?

Friend 1: I will pass on that abomination and take a regular brownie instead.

Barista: I hear ya – between you and me, gingerbread is where it’s at.

Friend 1: Making it worse.

Barista: Gotcha.

(The next day, Friend 2 answers the phone while cooking in the kitchen) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: (Lying on the living room couch, wrapped up in blankets) I had to put on a sweater today.

Friend 2: What?  Oh, yeah, that cold front came in all of a sudden; I think it’s from that hurricane that hit south of us, those poor people –

Friend 1: It’s still summer!

Friend 2: Well, it was hot before when we technically were still in spring, so….

Friend 1: It’s hot all year long now, that’s not the point!  It’s not supposed to be cool breezes with falling leaves and homework yet; it’s supposed to still be super-hot all the time with 16 hours of daylight and beaches and boardwalks and roller coasters and ice creams and sleepovers and vacations and happiness forever and – and – and –

Friend 2: Are you crying?

Friend 1: Not yet.

Friend 2: (Resumes slicing an onion) Good.  Now, listen carefully because I’m only going to say this once: in about two months there’ll be peppermint hot chocolate.

Friend 1: I suppose I’ll have to settle for that as a trade-off.

Story 452: Living in a Tourist Town

A summer morning in a city that never sleeps: the constant traffic that had lessened a bit in the past few hours starts ramping it up from “steady” to “bumper-to-bumper”; stores that were closed only to reset after the business day have opened with the rising sun, lines of customers already circling around the block; the beaches have not a grain of sand uncovered by blankets and chairs; all the tours are in full-swing; and the birds sing the anxiety of the day.

A shift worker driving during through the city mid-morning stops over 50 times in a three-mile commute to avoid hitting cyclists swerving out of the bike lane and pedestrians crossing streets just everywhere.

Worker: (Stopped in the middle of the busy avenue as a whole group of babies cross against the light on their way to the beach) Let’s move to the shore – it’ll be sooooooo relaxing – you can avoid the main road during the summer – not if work is on the main road, now can I?!  (Leans out the driver’s side window) No, no trouble at all, I’ve got nowhere to be in a hurry, you enjoy the easy life you so richly deserve!

Tourist: (To self, while crossing the street) This is my one week off a year….

A refurbished trolley turns onto the avenue at half speed in front of Worker’s car.

Tour Guide 1: (Voice blasting through the trolley’s speakers) And coming up on our left is a house-turned-hostel considered to be the most haunted building in all of –

Worker: (Blares the car horn and leans out the window again) The original building burned down 15 years ago and the ghosts are just the defective central air ductwork!

Tour Guide 1: (Leans out the left front trolley window, still holding the microphone and speaking in a low, deadly voice) Shame on you.

Worker: (Blares the car horn longer) MOVE IT!!!

The trolley, filled with the sounds of children crying, eventually turns down a side street.  Thirty minutes later, Worker finds an opening in the traffic to make a hasty left turn into the seafood restaurant’s parking lot and snags the last spot in the back.

Worker: (Exits the car, stares at the calm exterior of the restaurant belying the chaos within, and then turns to the nearby dock where the day’s specials still are being hauled in) You know, I’ve really gotten to hate fish.

At a nearby park, several adults sit on benches watching their children in the playground.

Adult 1: I actually have a dentist’s appointment later today.

Adult 2: Really?  Your doctor stuck around for August?

Adult 1: Yeah, basically riding it out till retirement.  I can’t walk from my house and expect to get there before tomorrow though, so I gotta leave here in a few minutes if I want to make it on time.

Adult 2: What time’s the appointment?

Adult 1: 3:00.

Adult 2: (Checks watch and sees that it is almost 11 a.m.) Might just about make it.

A charter bus turns into the parking lot and the passengers disembark in groups of 10.

Tour Guide 2: (Speaking through a megaphone) And this little oasis of tranquility is one of the best-kept secrets of –

Adult 1: (Gasps in horror, then quickly gathers belongings as Adult 2 does the same) Playtime’s over, kids – they found the park!

The adults and children run screaming back to their cars and re-enter the collective traffic jam.

At a beach entrance, the badge checker seated in a chair fights the intense sunshine with an umbrella and the intense boredom with a book as a beachgoer approaches with minimal gear.

Beachgoer: Howdy!  (Shows a badge)

Badge Checker: (Stares at it closely) I don’t understand – this is a resident badge.

Beachgoer: Yes indeedy!  Moved here this past winter and been looking forward to finally going to the wonderful beach my taxes are paying for!  (Takes in the brief snippets of ocean between umbrellas and bodies, and sighs) This’ll be great!

Badge Checker: Well, have fun!

Beachgoer: Thanks – stay cool!  (Sets off at a brisk trot across the hot sand)

Badge Checker: (Watches as Beachgoer struggles to find a patch of sand to stake a claim) Poor naïve newb – you’ll learn.  (Sees a horde of badgeless bathers approaching) Ergh – no one for ages, then they all come at once.

In a school, students attending summer session work on their projects when a car full of post-adolescents drives by with loud music blaring.

Driver and Passengers: (All wearing swimsuits and leaning out the car windows to yell at the school) SUCKERS!!!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Student: (Raises hand) Teacher?  Must The Tourists always declare that as they pass our academic institution?

Teacher: Forgive them, children, for one day you too may be The Tourists yourselves.

Students: (In understanding) Ohhhh….

They resume their work as Teacher stares wistfully out the window.

Teacher: As I myself was, long, long ago….

That night, one of the 200 ice cream parlors in the city has a never-ending line as the college-student employees struggle to keep up.

Employee: (Mutters while walking from the cash register back to the front counter and seeing the formless crowd that awaits) We really need a ticket system like a supermarket deli counter – (Louder) Next?!

Customer: Ooh, me!  (Looks intensely at the cases holding the different ice cream flavors) Ummm, let me think….

Employee: You’ve been on line for at least 10 minutes and there are several signs listing the choices on the way in.

Customer: I know, but I need to see them for myself… ummm… OK, could I have the peanut butter chocolate, please?

Employee: (Stifles a scream) That’s the carton that’s empty.

Customer: Oh, sorry!  None in the back, then?

Employee: It wouldn’t have stayed there long.

Customer: Gotcha.  (Starts looking at the flavors again) Ummmm….

Employee: (Looks up at the front door and sees the line outside has tripled) The one with peanut butter cups is similar if you want something like that.

Customer: (Finds that in the case) Um, nah, I’d want more chocolate ice cream, this one’s vanilla.  Ummmm....

Employee: (Sees the line has quadrupled) Would you like a few more minutes and I’ll serve you after the next – ?

Customer: Oooh, I got it!  Plain chocolate, please.

Employee: …Cone or cup?

Customer: Ummmm… which do you recommend?

Employee: Neither: we’re not allowed to influence customers’ decisions.

Customer: Oh, ummmm, cup then, please.

Employee: Small, medium, or large?

Customer: Definitely large – go all out when you’re on vacation, am-I-right?

Employee: Yeah.  (Creates the order and rings it up at the register; Customer adds a tip to the jar before Employee hands over the cup) Thank you – enjoy.

Customer: (Starting on the ice cream) Oh I will.  It must be hard working here, surrounded by all this yummy, yummy ice cream, so tempting!

Employee: (Stares out at the quintupled line of customers crowding the front door) Not especially, no.

In a supermarket, a shopper arrives with a full cart at the front register.

Cashier: (While ringing up the items) Oh, hi!  I haven’t seen you in a while, but I only just got switched back to nights recently.

Shopper: That’s a bummer.

Cashier: It’s OK, I requested it – summer daytime hours were getting to be too much with all the you-know-whos all over the place here; it’s actually rather peaceful working late nights while they’re off seafood-dinnering and ice-cream-sundaeing and miniature-golfing and bar-hopping and after-hours-pool-trespassing and after-hours-beach-trespassing and – yeah.

Shopper: Don’t I know it; why do you think I always shop here after 9 at night?

Cashier: Smart.  Dodge the crowds and no waiting on lines, either.

Shopper: Darn tootin’.

As the full moon shines down on the gatherings for movies-on-the-beach, diner cruises, casual strollers, cyclists out for one last thrill, and overtired children vainly struggling against the dreaded bedtime, the shift worker drives home from the restaurant covered in food detritus.

Worker: (Crawling through stop-and-go traffic on the main avenue) When am I gonna find time to vacuum the house now that I’ve got a double-shift tomorrow?  When’s my vacation from this vacation town?  I think I’ll book a getaway to the Pine Barrens.  (Stops as the traffic light changes again, balefully watches the crowd continuously surging toward the beach promenade, then looks up and sees the moon shining brightly over the soothing ocean waves) Ahhhhh…. It’s a view like this that makes it all worth it.  (A party parade suddenly appears in the middle of the street, club music blares from everywhere, and revelers dance around the cars that are now at a standstill.  Worker’s eyes glaze over while taking in the scene) And then, something like this happens.

Story 405: Observations From the Cat Left at Home

My family left me today.

My family actually leave me every day, but this is one of those times I could tell they won’t be back by night.  Or the next day.  Or the – I have no idea what comes after that.

It’s kind of peaceful here now, tranquil, just the way I like it; I can finally do what I want for a change, and not be woken up 15 times mid-exhausting-sleep for an unwanted cuddle.

Still: the lack of diversion is a bit of a drag.  How many times can I kill the scores of fake prey they leave scattered around the place, I ask you?  At least when they summon the flying point of light, it’s somewhat of a challenge for my impressive tracking skills.

The smallest member of the family also keeps things interesting: certainly no telling what that one’s going to do next.

The most pressing issue at the moment, though, is the food situation.  I am embarrassingly dependent upon the giants to supply my daily fuel, so every time they get it into their huge heads to take off to parts unknown, I’m left behind with an uncertain future: if I eat everything in the bowl and no one is there to refill it, is the next step starvation?  Constant conservation is the only way to deal with this, and I have learned to live with the everlasting anxiety.

What’s that?  The front door unlocking?  Quick, off the bed before they catch you there with a “No, no, no!” – gracefully sprint down the hall – perhaps the family came back early –

Oh no.

It’s the other one.

This giant smells like Alpha (I refuse on principle to call her “Mommy” despite her addressing herself as such) so I know she’s from the same litter, and she has encroached on this territory multiple times before.

It’s too late to hide under a bed or in a closet – the intruder has spotted me.

“Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, baaaaaaabyyyyyy!!!!!!”

Ugh.

“How are you?!”  I am scooped up into amateur arms – clearly, this one has not held one of my kind properly, ever.  “Have you been a good little furball?”

Ew.  And of course I’ve been what you arrogantly designate “good,” you imbecile – I don’t have to answer to you!

I’m carried as if I were a helpless kitten into the kitchen; only my disciplined forbearance in this treatment prevents a scene.  “Have you been watching the house while everyone’s gone?  Making sure no one sneaks in, heh-heh-heh?”

My patrols are completed regularly, thank you very much – and isn’t “watching the house” technically your job?!

I finally am released onto the floor, and the giant takes her sweet time getting my food in order.  Never mind that I have been patiently waiting eons past the scheduled delivery time.  Sure, there are plenty of the crunchy pebbles available all day, but refer to my earlier treatise on food conservation; plus, I’ve suffered enough – I want the good stuff.

Blast, I forgot about this part: lately I’d been feeling a little… off, if you will, and after a torture session where Alpha kidnapped me out of the house and allowed some stranger who smelled mainly of DOG to mishandle me terribly, now at every meal I am placed in a bodylock and a tube is shoved into my mouth with some horrific liquid forced down my throat.  I have no choice but to swallow the disgusting concoction under heavy protest and no small amount of humiliation.  After an unfathomable amount of time performing this new, horrendous ritual, I have been feeling a slight improvement from my prior state: I fail to see the connection.

Now the intruder giant upends a bottle, sticks the tube into the bottom for a few seconds, then hugs me in a weak semblance of the hold Alpha uses.  I stretch my patience to the utmost limits in keep still for this one to get her act together, but when she starts trying (emphasis on that last word) to get the tube into my mouth, the uncertainty and inexperience in her conduct push me past my breaking point, instinct takes over, and away I flail: I regret nothing.

“There, there – ” a condescending pat on the head after the damage is done – “such a good kitty.”

If me not rightfully biting your nose after such unprofessional behavior constitutes as being “good,” then I am the best who ever lived – your pathetic affirmation is unnecessary and undesired.

After another indignity in my face being wiped with a damp cloth – I can groom myself, you know, and much better than this fumbling approximation – the goods are finally delivered and the chicken-like soft mass appears in my dish.

“What an appetite!  You must be hungry!”

Well of course I’m – !  When one is not given vital sustenance until ages after their body is accustomed to receiving it, then one, logically, is hungry.  You can stop talking now.

The intruder disappears somewhere while I embrace the meal – my waste depository better be emptied by the time I get there, is all I’m saying – and my subsequent bath is rudely interrupted because she’s decided she’s been here long enough and the supposed burden of my care can now wait until tomorrow to resume.

A few more ingratiating rubs to my ears, chin, back, mmmmmm....

“Bye-bye, baby!  Watch the house!”

For the love of –

The door is slammed and locked.

The lone outside light does nothing for the increasingly darkening interior.  Fine by me: the giants blast way too much fake sun in here anyway.  It’s a relief that my eyes don’t have to adjust to the incessant glare for the nonce.

Time for a brief nap, then evening patrol, a little snack, nap, overnight patrol, do battle with that cricket in the corner again, a little snack, dawn patrol, nap, and –

The door unlocks and bursts open: “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, baaaaaaabyyyyyy!!!!!!  Did you watch the house?!”

Sigh.  My life is an unending trial.

When my family finally bestir themselves to return home I’m certainly going to give them an earful, right before we curl up on the couch together so they can watch the glowing noisy screen and we all fall into a blissful slumber.

Oh yes, they will pay for this dearly.

Story 351: Don’t Let a Slight Monster Invasion Ruin Your Vacation

         (A bus stops at the corner of an intersection in a shore town; among the passengers disembarking is Tourist, dragging a rolling suitcase.  Standing on the sidewalk across from the beach, Tourist takes a huge breath and sighs loudly)

            Tourist: At last – peace is mine.

        (Tourist checks into a nearby motel, unpacks, changes into a bathing suit, and immediately dives into the crowded pool)

            Guests: (In the pool and on the surrounding deck, all now drenched) Hey!

            Tourist: Sorry!  But we are all here to get wet, are we not?

            Lifeguard: Roughhouser.

          (Tourist dog paddles around for a minute, then sits on the edge of the pool steps for half an hour)

           Tourist: (Watches as a volleyball game somehow fits in the pool) Yep, can’t get any better than this.  (Sips a soft drink from the poolside bar)

            (A giant shadow falls over the land; everyone looks up to see the Sun momentarily blocked)

            Guest 1: Is that a bird?

            Guest 2: Silly, no bird is that big!  Looks more like a butterfly.

            (As the shadow passes, a loud roar is heard that shakes the ground and buildings)

            Tourist: (Watches the rippling pool waves).  Interesting.  Is it migration season now?

          Lifeguard: (Reads a cell phone text) OK, listen up: a state of emergency’s been declared, so everybody outta the pool!  (Everybody groans)

            Guest 3: Already?  We saw that thing literally two seconds ago!

     Lifeguard: (Points to the sky in horror) But now there’s them – RUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!  (Vaults over the pool deck and flees down the street)

          (Guests look up and simultaneously scream as they see the flock of giant butterflies roaring across the sky, following the same path into town as their leader.  Everyone grabs as much of their things as they can, sliding across the wet ground as they tumble off the pool deck and back to their rooms for en masse check-out)

            Tourist: (Seeing that Guests and the flying flock are all gone, hauls off the pool steps and back to the diving board) That worked out nicely – now where was I?  (Repeatedly cannonballs into the pool)

            (Later that afternoon, Tourist drags a chair and gear across the street to the beach entrance)

           Tourist: (Peers into the empty beach tag station, looks around, then tosses $6 into the booth) Least I know I did the right thing.  (Sets up the chair, an umbrella, and a radio on the nearly empty beach and settles in to read a trashy novel.  The waves gradually become choppier, faint screams are heard in the distance, and the few people on the beach become more panicky as they noisily pack their gear; Tourist turns up the radio without looking up from the book)

            Beachgoer: (Runs to Tourist while carrying an umbrella) Hey – you might want to pack it up, that thing’s gonna be here any minute!

            Tourist: (Finally looks up) What thing – the beach cleaner?

            Beachgoer: No – that!  (Points out to the ocean, where a giant mutated salamander is making its way to the shore)

           Tourist: Oh, that?  Let’s see now – (Pulls out a calculator and begins typing) judging by its estimated mass and acceleration, its velocity then would be reduced by the tidal force and – (Licks finger, holds it up in the air, and nods) wind drag, along with its approach opposite to the Earth’s rotation, I’d say we have a good – (Hits “=” on the calculator) 8.17 minutes before it makes landfall.  (Looks back at Beachgoer) But thanks for the heads-up!  (Returns to the novel)

            Beachgoer: Nutter.  (Runs away screaming)

          Tourist: (Notices that the ocean is receding steadily; sighs in annoyance and begins to pack up.  To the creature) If you’re going to take the waves with you then there’s no point to this whole thing, now is there?!  (Sulks back to the nearly empty motel)

            (That evening, Tourist is on the room’s telephone as a mini-tidal wave gently laps at the first-floor windows)

           Tourist: What do you mean, the restaurant had to unexpectedly close – you guys never close!... Yes, I understand that a multi-headed creature who keeps growing more heads as others are chopped off is there, but really, if they were bringing such a large party then they should follow the same rules as everyone else and make a reservation!... Hello?

            (Later that night, Tourist strolls on a boardwalk as people occasionally run past in the opposite direction, screaming)

           Tourist: (Shakes head) The crowds certainly are rowdier this year.   (Stops at the entrance of an amusement pier and see the giant mutated salamander is at the other end, tearing through the rides and eating them)  Ugh!  And I was finally going to ride the Ferris wheel here, you jerk!  (Police and military arrive to do battle with the creature) A bit late, but thanks anyway!

            (Down a side street, Tourist finds a lone ice cream parlor still open)

            Tourist: (To Cashier) Hi, just a raspberry ice, please – you wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get any kind of summer vacation experience here tonight!

           Cashier: (Ducks when hearing large flapping sounds and roaring overheard while handing over the ice) Yeah, the owner said we could stay open if we want: I need the tips for my college fund.

           Tourist: Ah yes, I remember those days.  (Hands over some bills and winks) Keep the change!  (Begins eating the ice while breezing out through the exit)

            Cashier: (Sees the change is 57¢) …Thanks?

            (Tourist finds a bench facing the slightly calmer ocean and settles down to finish the ice while several giant creatures fling around the abandoned cars that are jamming up the streets)

           Tourist: (Turns around slightly at the noise of crashing metal and honking horns) Hm – is there a parade scheduled for tonight?  (Hears a roar, turns back to the ocean, and sees a dragon lighting up the sky) Oooh, fireworks, I almost forgot!  (Tosses the empty ice cup into a nearby trash can and stretches across the back of the bench to watch the fire blaze across the sky and listen to the cacophony in the background) Aaaaahhhh, it’s so great just to get away from it all.