Story 555: Flashback Back to School

             (On a park trail, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate carefully over the uneven terrain)

Friend 2: (Gingerly stepping down a highlands hill) I can’t believe I let you talk me into taking the difficult trail this time.

Friend 1: (Holding onto a tree trunk for the descent) C’mon, you can’t stay on the easy-to-moderate trails all your life, you’ve gotta branch out a little – ow!  (Stubs foot on an exposed tree root and nearly falls off the mini-mountain)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh: got another one>

Tree 2: <Sweet> (The two trees’ branches slap each other in triumph)

Friend 2: (Helping Friend 1 regain footing) Still, this is the most exercise I get in a week, so I suppose I should be grateful.

Friend 1: You’re welcome.  (The ground levels out slightly and they continue onward with minimal interruption)

Friend 2: And it’s great coming here after Labor Day, with no more summer state park fees, summer crowds, or summer weather.

Friend 1: But it’s still summer.

Friend 2: Yeah, technically, but you know as soon as Labor Day hits, fun time’s over.

Friend 1: (Takes a swig from a water bottle) Ugh, don’t remind me: I hate this time of year.

Friend 2: Well, sure, I know you love beaches and boardwalks and any excuse to have funnel cake, but you gotta admit that the cooling weather, changing leaves, and absence of shore traffic are definitely perks.

Friend 1: Oh, no doubt; I won’t argue with any of that.

Friend 2: Then what is it?

Friend 1: (Stops walking, stares at an osprey landing on a nesting pole in the distance, and sighs; through gritted teeth) Back.  To.  School.

Friend 2: (Also having stopped walking) You… haven’t gone back to school in over 20 years.

Friend 1: I know.  But the 17 I did during my formative era have been seared into my brain and will never leave, at least until the inevitable dementia’s in full force.  No, scratch that: with my luck, those’ll be the only memories I’ll have at that point.

Friend 2: (As they both start walking again) All right, going back to school after summer break was sad and annoying, but it wasn’t that bad.  We got to see all our friends again.

Friend 1: I saw them in just the right amounts during break, I-thank-you.

Friend 2: Some of the work was interesting.

Friend 1: To you, maybe: I was a terrible student and didn’t need a yearly reminder.

Friend 2: (Winces slightly) …You liked Band!  And Drama Club, don’t forget that!

Friend 1: (Chuckles) True, true.  I miss those geeks; made me feel superior to the nerds in Chess Club.

Friend 2: What about the athletes?

Friend 1: Don’t talk to me about those dorks!

Friend 2: (Defensively) Hey, I was on the basketball team for three years in high school!

Friend 1: Oh right.  Well, you were OK.

Friend 2: (Shakes head in exasperation) Whatever – point is, for us, school was all right and not the faux-traumatic experience you’re acting like it was.

Friend 1: I’m not saying it was; I’m just saying I hate Back to School.  Every year, all the anxiety and pressure come flooding back in like they never left.

Friend 2: Oh, well, then just… don’t think about it, I guess.

Friend 1: I have yet to hear an instance where that suggestion has ever worked for anything.

(That night, Friend 1 lies in bed, staring at a digital clock on the lamp table)

Friend 1: Mm-hm: at this time 20+ years ago, I was dreading the first day of high school… first day of middle school… (Starts drifting to sleep) elementary school… kindergarten… pre… schooooooolllll….

THE DREAM

(In a never-ending hallway filled with students, Friend 1 stands in the exact center, dressed like a 1990s teenager but still with a 2020s face, carrying a backpack and holding several textbooks with paper bag covers in one arm and an illegible class schedule in the other hand)

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically through the streams of passing students, gigantic lockers, and infinite closed doors as many bells constantly ring) Where’s my classroom?!  WHERE’S MY CLASSROOM????!!!!

(Suddenly seated in the very front row of a classroom, Friend 1 strains to read what is written on the overwhelming chalkboard)

Friend 1: (Squinting) Three times – Brontë, who – apartheid, when – igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic rocks, that – mi chiamo, che – differential equations?!

Teacher: (Standing at the front of the classroom, head almost touching the ceiling and growing every second) Now class, please turn in your reports on the entire science textbook that were due today.

Friend 1: (As all the other students hold out packets of neatly typed reports with perfectly formatted cover sheets) But – but – today is the first day of school – ?

Teacher: (Leans down from the heights to get in Friend 1’s face) THIS WAS YOUR SUMMER READING PROJECT!  YOU HAD MORE THAN TWO MONTHS TO COMPLETE IT!

Friend 1: But – but – a report on a science textbook?

Teacher: THE ENTIRE BOOK!

Friend 1: But – but – I don’t have it –

Teacher: YOU’D BETTER HAVE IT BY TOMORROW OR YOU’LL REPEAT THIS GRADE BEFORE YOU EVEN STARTED IT!  (Straightens up and addresses the rest of the room) Now class, let’s begin our study of the American, English, and Russian Civil Wars by simultaneously proving Fermat’s Last Theorem and translating the Constitution of France into Middle English, backwards –

(Friend 1’s eyes snap open as a buzzing cell phone nearly falls off the lamp table)

Friend 1: (Answering the phone) Hellllllllooooooo????

Friend 2: (On a cell phone at an office desk) You sound awful – everything OK?

Friend 1: It is now; what’s up?

Friend 2: Well, I was gonna leave a message just checking on whether you’ve gotten over your “Back to School Phobia” or whatever it is you have going on.

Friend 1: (Lies back and rubs forehead) Actually, I just woke up from a nightmare about the whole thing, and it was probably the worst dream I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Friend 2: Oh, wow, that stinks.

Friend 1: Yeah.  But, in a strange way, I think it may have been exactly what I needed.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, it was so ridiculously and unrealistically horrible that now my actual memories aren’t so bad in comparison.

Friend 2: (Leans back in desk chair in triumph) So: I was right.

Friend 1: Don’t rub it in.  Suffice it to say, I am now at peace with Back to School and can look upon that time fondly and enjoy this season at last.

Friend 2: Good, because the reason why I was only going to leave a message instead of having this full-blown conversation is that I figured at this point in the day you’d be at post-school era, adult-world work, so now I think you’re about two hours late.

Friend 1: …I wanna go back to school.

Story 529: I Forgot to Treat Myself on Valentine’s Day

             (At a café table)

Friend 2: – so now we all have to work overtime again hoping we at least break even, and I’m getting so tired of the whole thing I might finally quit.

Friend 1: Really?  But you’ve been there for years.

Friend 2: I know, and I won’t quit; it just feels better saying I might.

Friend 1: Know the feeling.

(They both sip their drinks in companionable silence)

Friend 2: So!  Yesterday must’ve been rough for you, huh.

Friend 1: In what way?

Friend 2: Wasn’t it Ash Wednesday?

Friend 1: Oh!  That.  Have to admit, I’m one of those Roman Catholics who got their ashes and a brief prayer from a chaplain at work, and skipped the rest.  Although, I restrained myself and did not have my usual Wednesday pizza for dinner so, go me.

Friend 2: Yeah, but this year it fell on Valentine’s Day.

Friend 1: (Eyes widen slowly in horror) …Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????!!!!!!

Friend 2: Yeah, somebody else I know was feeling down because they had to celebrate Valentine’s Day a few days early this time because day-of they had to fast and abstain and all that, so they got stuck doing their date night on Super Bowl Sunday which turned out to be another inconveniently scheduled event this year.  And I know you give up chocolate for Lent, so that must’ve been a real drag yesterday when you normally would’ve been celebrating the “holiday of love” with, you know, yourself.

Friend 1: (Still staring in shock) Valentine’s Day was yesterday?!

Friend 2: Yeah, how could you miss it?  All the stuff for it was on sale the day after Christmas.

Friend 1: But – but – I completely forgot to buy myself candy hearts and bouquets of chocolate roses and sea salt caramels and gourmet dinner!  What kind of soul mate am I to myself if I forget the biggest self-love holiday of the year?!

Friend 2: You can still do all that stuff now; just eliminate one ingredient and you’ll be fine.

Friend 1: No, don’t you see it’s too late and now I’m entrenched in the season of deprivation?!  Mardi Gras was right there too and I blew it!  (Sinks head onto the table and groans in annoyance)

Friend 2: (Finishes the drink) That’s too bad – gonna make yourself sleep on the couch tonight, then?

Friend 1: (Looks up again) Yes!

Friend 2: Ohhh-kaaaay….

(At Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: (Staring morosely at various bags of chocolate candy on the kitchen counter) And we didn’t even get a proper good-bye.  (Scoops up the bags, throws them into a cabinet, and welds the door shut) See you in a month-and-a-half.  (Goes to the living room, lies down on the couch, and takes a nap)

[Dream]

Friend 1a: (Entering the apartment) Whoo!  That was an obnoxious day.

Friend 1b: (Cooking dinner on the stove) I’ll bet.  So, you got something for me?

Friend 1a: Umm… love and respect?

Friend 1b: No, idiot: Valentine’s Day candy!

Friend 1a: That’s today?!

Friend 1b: No, idiot: it falls on Ash Wednesday this year so you were supposed to do the last hurrah the day before!

Friend 1a: How could I have missed this?!

Friend 1b: Since you can’t even seem to remember the explicit date of February 14 that’s so embedded with the holiday they’re practically twins, I shouldn’t be surprised that this liturgical calendar complication slipped your notice as well.

Friend 1a: All right, all right, I’ll go get some chocolate candy now!

Friend 1b: It’s too late: all the stores are closed, it’s midnight so it’s already Ash Wednesday and the sacrifice begins!

Friend 1a: How can it be midnight; I just got home from work!

Friend 1b: Who cares about all that?!  You never think about my needs; it’s always you-you-you, and your chronic obliviousness!

Friend 1a: (Collapses onto a kitchen chair) What am I gonna do?!  One of the few times of the year where it’s socially acceptable to overindulge in sweets, and now that I missed it by one day I’ve gotta wait another 46 before happiness is mine again!

Friend 1b: (Now has a suitcase and is wearing a coat) This is just typical: not only are you missing the whole point of the season, but your one job is to keep me supplied in chocolate bliss for 9/10ths of the year and you failed on the holiday where it counts the most.

Friend 1a: What about Halloween?

Friend 1b: Halloween isn’t about love!  This is, and you clearly don’t love me!

Friend 1a: Well, you can be a bit of a pain sometimes.

Friend 1b: Aha!  There it is: the inevitable resentment buried within the essence of supposed “true love.”  I’m leaving, and you’ll have to sleep on the couch from now on!

Friend 1a: …But why, if you’re leaving?

Friend 1b: (On the way out the door) Maybe I’ll see you in 46 days, but you’d better have all the chocolate heart boxes that go on sale later this week, and all the chocolate bunnies and all the chocolate eggs for Easter, or we’re through!  (Slams the door, which makes Friend 1 wake up)

[/Dream]

Friend 1: Wow.  Good thing I’m not in a relationship for real – I’d never make it past any holiday.

Story 326: Celebrity Meet-and-Greet-and-Psychoanalyze

            (In the backstage green room for a talk show, that day’s celebrity guest waits for an audience member who had won a pre-show meet-and-greet)

            Celebrity: (Sitting on the couch and talking on the phone) Don’t worry, they screened this one and there’re no prior convictions or arrests…. They also checked her social media and she’s not too far out there…. Well, yeah, she is a bit obsessed but more with my career than with me personally – no worse than some of the others, and at least she hasn’t been hanging around the house peering in the windows, right?... I’m kidding, hon, I know we’re lucky that hasn’t happened yet!... I’ll be fine, Security’s right outside the door if she turns out to be a wild card, but I’m thinking it’ll be a bit of the usual fan-girling, we take some photos, she goes back to her front-row seat out in the audience, and it’s on with the show!... Yes, I’ll make sure to get -----’s autograph for you this time.  (There is knocking on the door) Oh, that’s them, gotta go – love you, bye!  (Disconnects the phone and stands, beaming widely) Come on in!

            (An assistant for the show opens the door and escorts the contest winner inside; an imposing security guard stands discreetly behind them in the corridor)

            Assistant: And here is our winner of the Meet-and-Greet!  (Slightly shoves Fan forward)

            Celebrity: (Shakes Fan’s hand) Welcome!  Lovely to meet you!

            Fan: (Head down, staring at the floor) Hi.

         Celebrity: …So, would you like something to drink, or snack on?  They said we can have anything we like here – coffee, tea, spring water, fall water, heh-heh-heh…?

            Fan: Nothing for me, thank you.

            Celebrity: …Right!  (To Assistant) I think we’re all set here, thanks!

          Assistant: OK; I’ll come back 15 minutes before start time.  (Behind Fan, Assistant mouths “Call us if she gets – ” and mimes going bonkers)

          Celebrity: (Waves off Assistant) That’s fine – thank you!  (Assistant leaves and closes the door; Celebrity looks back at Fan, smiling all the while as Fan still stares at the floor) Well!  Let’s have a seat, shall we?  (Gestures to a chair while sitting on an adjacent one; Fan sits gingerly) So! Congrats on the win – VIP treatment and all that – and so glad you could make it to the show today, I really appreciate you coming out here to support my new movie, especially this one, it was a real passion project.

            Fan: (Still looking down) Oh.  Thank you.  I mean, you’re welcome?

            Celebrity: (Laughs) So, mind if I ask you a few questions?

            Fan: Ummm, me?

          Celebrity: Yeah, mixes things up a little for me, especially right now on the old press tour, know-what-I-mean?

            Fan: Oh, yeah.

            Celebrity: Yeah… so, um, what do you do?  For a living, or just, you know, day-to-day?

            Fan: Oh, uh, I work in I.T.

            Celebrity: Oh, that’s great!

            Fan: It really isn’t.

           Celebrity: Ah.  (Drums fingers on the arm of the chair for a bit) Sorry, I don’t want to make this awkward, but seeing as I’m going to be simultaneously on stage and on screen in about half an hour, and you know how vain we performers all are, could you tell me – (Gestures around head) do I have something on my face that needs tending to?

            Fan: (Split-second peeks) No.

            Celebrity: You sure?  No stray gray hairs or sudden acne or hideous spots that’ll be magnified 1,000% by the cameras?

            Fan: Nope, you're good.

         Celebrity: Well, that’s a relief – it’s just from the way you were avoiding looking at me I thought I had something horrible going on that no one wanted to tell me about.

            Fan: (Finally looks up fully) Oh, sorry – guess I was being rude.

           Celebrity: Not at all!  This whole environment can be a bit nerve-wracking, even if you’re used to it – for instance, I just know I’m going to say something out there that everyone’ll hate me for by tomorrow, so it’s all good.

            Fan: (Solemnly) I would never.

            Celebrity: Oh, cheers.

            Fan: (Sighs) I’m sorry, I’m not being a good guest at all, it’s just….

            Celebrity: (Waits) Go on.

            Fan: Well, it’s – this is embarrassing – I was so excited to meet you today, and really nervous, and then, I had a dream about you last night.

            Celebrity: (Frozen smile and wide eyes) Oh?

            Fan: Oh don’t worry, it wasn’t gross or anything.

            Celebrity: Of course not.

            Fan: It’s just that, you’re an actual human being, not some character, and also you’re married and have kids, and the dream I had of you was really nice, for me, and now I feel like I exploited you or something.

            Celebrity: Oh, no worries; it wasn’t real, you know?

            Fan: I know, but it still feels like I invaded your privacy.

            Celebrity: It can’t have been as bad as all that – what happened, if I may ask?

          Fan: Well, it’s a bit jumbled now – you sure you want to hear someone trying to describe a dream they only half-remember?  I wouldn’t.

            Celebrity: Too late: if I’m starring in it, I have to know what happened.

            Fan: OK, um, it was one of those where you’re in a movie you’ve just seen – I mean, I was in one of your movies, from this year –

           Celebrity: Hang on – I’ve got three movies the studios all released at the same time, so is it the legal drama one or the murder mystery one or the comic superhero one?

            Fan: The comic superhero one.

            Celebrity: Ah, my bread and butter.  Proceed.

           Fan: OK, so I was in it, but not any scene I remember from the movie, just kind of rushing around, and then you were there – well actually, your character was there –

            Celebrity: (Leaning on hand in interest) Of course.

            Fan: And, I forget how, but we wound up sitting on some steps somewhere, and I was hugging you from behind, and then started slowly rocking you back and forth, like I was comforting a child, know what I mean?

            Celebrity: Mm-hm.  And then what?

            Fan: And that’s it.

         Celebrity: That’s it?  That’s not so bad – I’ve heard much worse, believe me.  (Shudders)

          Fan: I guess, but when I woke up all I kept thinking was how it felt nice for me at your expense.

            Celebrity: No worries – I’m fine.

            Fan: I also realized that, if it had been real, or at least a real person, I’d be thinking it felt nice but he’d be thinking, “OK, you can stop now.”

           Celebrity: Well, if anyone thought that then you shouldn’t be wasting your time with them.  Are you in a relationship now where you think they feel that way?

         Fan: No, but I’m afraid of getting stuck in one and not realizing it until way after the resentment’s set in.

            Celebrity: Well, all I can say is, you’ll either meet the love of your life like I did and put up with each other’s peccadillos, or you’ll do just fine on your own.

            Fan: Thanks.  Not to sound like a stalker, but I like how you guys seem to have such a stable life – your family seems awesome.

            Celebrity: They certainly are, which is why I’m seriously considering flying back home after the show today and skipping out on the rest of the press tour, I miss them so much.

            Fan: Good for you!  I hardly watch these things myself – I’m gonna go see the movie anyway, so why bother with all this extra advertising?

            Celebrity: That’s what I said!

            (Knock on the door, then Assistant enters)

            Assistant: Fifteen minutes!  (Mouths to Celebrity “Need the cops?”)

            Celebrity: Thank you, be right out!  (Assistant leaves; Celebrity and Fan stand) So, our time’s unfortunately up – wait a minute, I forgot to ask if you wanted any swag from the movie that I can sign for you, shoot!  (Starts frantically going through a case of tie-in merchandise and tossing items onto the couch)

            Fan: It’s OK, I don’t need any of that – I don’t even need the photo with you.

            Celebrity: Huh?

            Fan: This whole situation got me thinking: it’s really unfair that you’re made to feel like you owe people forced interactions, when it should be that you do your performance, we pay you to watch it, The End.  Instead you also have to do stuff like this, make small talk with randos who’ve dug up a lot more of your personal information than you’ll ever learn about us, which puts you at an extreme disadvantage in almost every conversation and makes you have to be polite and pleasant and “on,” all the time, even to people who are being extremely rude and inconveniencing you and your family and friends.

            Celebrity: Oh.  Well, it is part of the job when you start making an extremely large amount of money.  I don’t mind.

            Fan: Is it?  And don’t you?  I mean, it must be weird going from just being known by your small inner circle to total strangers stopping you everywhere so you can’t even go out to dinner anymore.  I’d feel penned-in, and scared some psycho’d think they were in love with me and owned my life when they hadn’t even known my name a few years ago.  And all because you’re an entertainer and like to make people laugh, and cry, and think, and try to make the world just a little bit better.

            Celebrity: (Near tears) Finally!  Someone who gets it!