Story 643: Nothing Bothers Me When I’m on Vacation

             (In an office)

Manager: (Pausing while passing by with a glass of water) What’re you smiling so inanely about?

Vacationer: (Smiling inanely at the computer while slowly typing one key every few seconds) Oh, just thinking that 24 hours from now, I’ll be on the beach, totally relaxed, not a care in the world, that sort of thing.

Manager: Yeah, that’s great – you still have the quarterly budget report to submit before the end of the day since you’ll be gone when it’s due.

Vacationer: (Smiling and typing uninterrupted) No… worries… all… will… be… well….

Manager: Hm.  Wish I could feel that way when I go on vacation; people always act like I’m on-call 24/7 no matter what. 

 

(On a backed-up parkway the next day, Vacationer’s car inches slowly among the blaring horns, yelling drivers, and blazing heat from the Sun above and the pavement below)

Voice on the Radio: – and would you believe it, yet another accident, this time at Exit 98 and involving 10 cars and a tractor trailer!  Shockingly, only minor injuries have been reported, but folks, this is gonna add at least another hour to the record-breaking ONE-HUNDRED-mile backup on the parkway – my suggestion, take the highways; at this point, the traffic lights have gotta be faster than this sea of molasses –

Vacationer: (Smiling gently while staring through the surrounding chaos, then full-body sighs) Ahhhhhhh… vacation…. (Switches from the radio station to pre-recorded sounds of ocean waves and seagulls) 

 

(In a hotel room later that day, Vacationer flops backward onto a king-sized bed, closes eyes, and smiles even wider)

Vacationer: Sooo… relaxed….

(After a few moments, a loud SLAM! is heard overhead, followed by slightly muffled voices)

Upstairs Voice 1: I told you to wash off your feet before tromping sand all over the place!  Look at this mess!

Upstairs Voice 2: I forgot!

Upstairs Voice 1: Well, DO IT NOW!  This was a nice clean room when we got here, and in the space of five minutes it’s become an absolute pigsty!  And that’s insulting the pigs!

Upstairs Voice 3: WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Cries continue as a backing track to the rest of the conversation)

Upstairs Voice 1: Look what you did!  No one’ll get any sleep tonight!

Upstairs Voice 2: Can I have candy now?

Upstairs Voice 1: You’re lucky if I let you have candy EVER AGAIN!

Upstairs Voice 4: I’m goin’ to the mini-golf course – anyone wanna come?

Upstairs Voice 2: (With banging sounds while jumping up and down) Oooh!  Oooh!  Me!  Me!

Upstairs Voice 1: No mini-golf until you wash off this filth!

Upstairs Voice 2: It’s called The Ocean!  It’s Nature, so it’s natural!

Upstairs Voice 1: And it’s polluted with your mess, now WASH!  IT!  OFF!!!

Upstairs Voice 3: (Louder) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Vacationer: (Slowly opens eyes as Upstairs Voices continue without breaks, smile never fading) Sooooooooooo… relaxed…. 

 

(On the beach later that afternoon, Vacationer sits on a recliner near the shoreline and reads a book; an umbrella planted in the sand next to the chair starts rocking back and forth faster and faster as winds pick up speed)

Lifeguard: (Whistles loudly at the nearby swimmers and waves arms gesturing that they come ashore) Everyone out of the water!  Massive thunderstorm off the port bow!  (Points to giant dark clouds filled with rain and lightning that are speeding toward the beach)

(Everyone rushes out of the water, screaming and scooping up their supplies before running inland)

Vacationer: (Looks around at the mass exodus and then at the approaching thunderstorm, then reclines the chair back farther as the rain begins, sighing contentedly) Wonderful: have the place all to myself now.

Laughing Seagull: (Glances at the crowds and at Vacationer before taking flight as far away from the ocean as possible) HA – HA – HA – HAA – HAA – HAA!  [Humans really are the dopiest species on this planet] 

 

(In a restaurant that evening, Vacationer eats at a small table located in the middle of the main floor, surrounded by screaming kids, boisterous adults, frantic servers, and karaoke night)

Vacationer: (Takes a bite out of the entrée and closes eyes in satisfaction as “Happy Birthday” at a nearby table competes with a bachelorette party on stage) Mmm… perfection….  (Gently sips a mocktail as a place setting crashes to the floor nearby) 

 

(On the hotel property during the next sunny day, Vacationer sits on a lounge chair in front of the ground floor room, facing the pool and the common lawn for all the other rooms,  and reading a different book.  A heated cornhole competition is being held directly in front of Vacationer’s chair, the lifeguardless pool is over-capacity with adults and children playing shoulder wars, tag, and catch at the same time, someone strung up a volleyball net on something and began a game where the ball keeps hitting the rooms’ walls and glass sliding doors, and several stereo systems playing different genres of music are blasting from around the property and within the pool)

Vacationer: (Closes eyes and smiles dreamily, setting the book on stomach and folding arms behind head) Hmmm… think I’ll take a nap…. (Chuckles as a volleyball bounces off an elbow)

 

(At the hotel check-in/check-out counter several days later)

Clerk: That settles up your bill, then.  Did you enjoy your stay with us?

Vacationer: (Smile has faded a bit) Extremely.  I just have one complaint, though.

Clerk: The other guests?  They were especially awful this week, I know – most of them checked out yesterday, and I can finally hear again without a ringing in my ears.

Vacationer: No, it’s just – this was a vacation.

Clerk: Yes?

Vacationer: And now, it’s over.

Clerk: …Yes?

Vacationer: Well that’s the problem, now isn’t it.

Clerk: Ah, yes: such is life, I suppose.

Vacationer: I suppose.  Farewell, Temporary Paradise, then.  (Carries luggage out of the office, then stops to stare at the shore town’s main avenue and the beach with the Sun shining down on the waves, then breathes in the relaxed air of contentment one last time) If only I could bottle this feeling and take it once daily – I think that would solve pretty much everything.

Story 634: Work Is a Distraction for a Workout

             (At a gym, Client enters in a hurry and still dressed in business casual)

Trainer: (Trots over from lounging against the front desk) Hi there!  Thanks so much for coming back.

Client: (Rushed) Yeah, listen, I only came in because I wanted to tell you in-person instead of leaving a phone message: sorry to gym-break-up with you like this, but it’s not you, it’s me.

Trainer: I know.

Client: No, I mean – what, you do?

Trainer: Totally: we never take anything personally in this line of work.  Success or failure is entirely up to you.  (Points to Client in emphasis)

Client: Oh.  OK, then you know that I’m leaving the gym because I just can’t get through the workouts and I’ve hit the wall and peaked long ago and will never get any better than I was at the beginning, right?

Trainer: Yes.

Client: Oh.  Guess we agree on my complete and utter inadequacy, then.  (Turns to leave, stifling a sob)

Trainer: Not so fast!  (Gently turns Client back around and steers the latter through the main training area, past others working with all sorts of equipment) Usually I’d let a client with your views go on your merry little way and focus on the ones here who are actually serious about their commitment to health BUT – (As Client opens mouth to object) I know that you’re a special case.

Client: (Borderline sarcastic) Oh, really?

Trainer: Of course!  And in the spirit of Memorial Day Weekend AND Military Appreciation Month, I’m not going to give up when I know you still have the potential to be all that you can be!

Client: I don’t know – (Briefly holds up a not-very-toned arm) I doubt I could serve our country with this.

Trainer: Not with that attitude!  At any rate: I observe all my clients closely, and you, my friend – (Points at Client again in emphasis) have a head problem.

Client: As in…?

Trainer: You’re stuck in it.  Most people here like having something else to focus on that isn’t work, or family, or their work family, or their lack of real friends, or what-have-you, so having to do a hundred reps of bicep curls or flipping ginormous tires or lunging until their legs turn to jelly tends to block out all that other stuff for a blissful hour or two.  You – (Pokes Client on the shoulder)

Client: Ow.

Trainer: – sorry – have the opposite situation going on.  You’re too focused on the bicep curling and the tire flipping and the leg lunging that you can’t relax.

Client: (Looks around the gym at everyone else lifting, running, squatting, lunging, pulling, and pushing) “Relax”?!

Trainer: Let me put it another way: you’re too focused on how not well you’re doing in the workouts that all you can see is the failure and not the progress.  So, I took the liberty of calling in an… assistant trainer, if you will.

(They stop at an exercise bench where someone else has been waiting)

Assistant: (Waves at Client) Hi!  Nice to see you!

Client: (Blinks at Assistant, then turns to Trainer) Are you telling me that you hired the VP’s administrative assistant from where I work to be a trainer here?!

Trainer: I sure did!  Am.

Client: (To Assistant) So you work here now, too?

Assistant: Sort of: they hired me as a per diem contractor.

Client: For what?

Assistant: To motivate you during workouts!

Client: What?!

Trainer: I know, isn’t it brilliant?  I wonder why no one’s thought of it before?

Client: No, I don’t think either one of you is getting it: I’m listening to all the “Keep going!”s and the “You got this!”s and the “Just 50 more!”s and the “You’re getting stronger with every rep!”s, but at this point they’re only underlining how not well I’m doing, at all.

Trainer: So – (Gestures to Assistant) we hired the Admin here to provide a different kind of motivation: work.

Client: Huh?

Assistant: I’m supposed to keep you distracted with all the projects and deadlines you have waiting for you back at the office, so that way you won’t even notice you’ve gotten through the session until it’s over!

Trainer: Brilliant, I say!

Client: That – I – I don’t know….

Trainer: C’mon, what do you have to lose by trying?

Client: Another month’s membership fee.

Trainer: Not to worry on that end; since this was my idea, you’re not being charged for this session if it doesn’t work.

Client: What, it’ll come out of your paycheck or something?

Trainer: Pretty much, yeah.

Client: Well, now I’ll feel guilty if I still don’t want to come back after today –

Assistant: Do it or I’ll tell the VP you’re an indecisive slacker right before your annual performance review!

(Client runs to the changing room)

Trainer: Oh, you’re good.

Assistant: Thank you – years of experience.

(At the exercise bench, Client is now in gym clothes and lying down, ready to lift)

Trainer: So, where did we leave off last time?

Client: (Embarrassed) Between 70 and 80 pounds.

Trainer: Good – we’re going for 100 now.  (Adds weights onto the bar and lifts it into Client’s hands)

Client: (Straining to hold up the weight as Trainer spots) Um, I don’t know, I’m probably going to drop the bar on myself –

Assistant: (Leans down next to Client’s head) Speaking of bars, did you finish those graphs for this week’s budget meeting yet?

Client: (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) Uh, not yet – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up) still waiting for more data – (Slowly lowers the bar, then lifts it back up)

Assistant: (Taking notes on a large pad and nodding) Um-hm: how many departments still haven’t gotten back to you?

Client: (Expels a big breath while lifting) Uhhhhhh, I don’t know exactly – (Lowers and lifts) I think a few – (Lowers and lifts) are flat-out ignoring me now – (Lowers and lifts) I’ll have to start calling them – (Lowers and lifts) or showing up at their desks – (Lowers and lifts) it’s really annoying (Lowers and lifts with a grunt)

Trainer: That’s enough.  (Takes the bar and puts it back on the rack) You just beat your personal record there, congrats!   (Wipes down the equipment)

Client: (Slowly sits up while rubbing sore hands) Huh.  I suppose I did.

Trainer: Let’s try the treadmill next, yeah?

Client: (Stands) Maybe leg lifts next instead?

Trainer: Nope!  I want some cardio in there now that you’re all warmed up!

Client: (As all three walk to a treadmill) But my stamina stinks.

Trainer: We’ll see about that!  Up you go!

(Client steps onto the treadmill; Trainer sets it to a 10% incline and 5 mph speed)

Client: That fast?!  And high?!

Trainer: Time to be bold!  (Starts the machine)

Client: (Starts running and is immediately almost of out of breath) I dunno – maybe a little slower –

Assistant: (Slides in front of Trainer, still writing notes) Take me through the presentation you have so far.

Client: Oh – uh – well – our fiscal year’s – pretty good – so far – under budget – in most areas – we’ll need to cut back – on expenses – in – (To Trainer who is watching a timer) Can I – take a – quick break?

Assistant: Cut back on what expenses?  You just said we’re under budget.

Client: Yeah – in some areas – but not others – those are over –

Assistant: Give me a list of what needs to be cut, then.

Client: Well – (Goes on for 10 minutes)

Trainer: (Stops the timer) Aaaaaand, time!  (Stops the treadmill) Well done, you!  I don’t think you’ve ever gone that long before.

Client: (Collapses sweating and gasping over the machine) I – haven’t?

Trainer: Nope!  And it was literally uphill all the way!

Client: (Starts to slump) Ohhhhh….

Trainer: Right: medicine ball time!

(Trainer drags Client to an open area on the floor as Assistant follows; the two then do sit-ups while throwing a medicine ball to each other)

Assistant: (Crouched next to Client and still taking notes while following with each sit-up) Have you called the vendors yet and told them that our invoicing process is changing?

Client: Not yet – (Sits up and throws) Corporate still hasn’t made it “official” so I can’t – (Catches the ball and lies back down) it’ll probably be next week though – (Sits up and throws) I have a mass e-mail ready to send – (Catches the ball and lies back down, and stays down) I don’t think I can get up again.

Assistant: (Glances over at Trainer who mouths “Twenty more”, then addresses Client again) Well, that really should be done this week, since invoices for the month will go out on Tuesday after the holiday.

Client: (Suddenly sits up and throws) Yeah, and no one actually pays on the day they get the invoice – (Catches the ball and lies back down) so they’ll still get the notice before they have to pay – (Sits up and throws) and it’ll be fresher in their minds if I send it next week.  (Catches and lies back down)

Assistant: (As the other two continue faster and faster) But, it’s best practice, not to mention common courtesy, to send the notice before they receive the invoices, because you just know they’re going to get confused if you send it after, and you just know that someone will pay that same day the one time you don’t want them to, and then we’ll all be up the creek when it was a completely avoidable situation –

Client: (Sitting up, lying down, throwing, and catching even faster) All right – all right – I’ll ask – first thing – tomorrow and – get approval – to send it out – by that afternoon – or Friday – the latest – OK?!

Trainer: (Catches a fastball and raises an arm in triumph) Done!

Client: (Collapses back down on the mat) I certainly am.

Trainer: (Stands with Assistant for them both to look down at Client) Well, I think this experiment went exceptionally well, don’t you agree?

Client: (Breathlessly) Oh yeah – I’m certainly not – stressing about – the workouts – anymore –

Trainer: Perfect!  See you at our usual time on Thursday then, yeah?  (Walks away, tossing the medicine ball into the air and whistling in glee)

Assistant: (Down at Client) See you in the office tomorrow, yeah?  (Walks away, taking notes in glee)

Client: (Still on the floor) Great – now I’ll always – be thinking – about work –

Story 572: Procrastination Is My New Best Friend

             (In an office cubicle, Coworker 1 types nonstop)

Coworker 1: (Briefly glancing at the time in the computer monitor’s lower right-hand corner, again; through clenched lips) How did I lose THREE HOURS?!!!  (A <DING!> is heard as a new e-mail arrives; Coworker 1 opens the message, scans though it, then leans forward to read it again in disbelief) Another five reports are due?!  When on Earth am I supposed to get those done????!!!!   (Nearly swoons off the chair)

(A voice is heard from above)

Voice: Or you could just, you know, not do them yet.

Coworker 1: (Whips head around in confusion, then looks up to see a figure casually draped across the top of one of the cubicle walls) Huh?

Procrastination: The extra work.  Just don’t do it yet.  Your current work could probably wait, too.

Coworker: Who – are – where – how – ?

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter.  (Nimbly vaults off the cubicle wall to sit on the edge of Coworker 1’s desk) Read the e-mail again – is there a hard deadline?

Coworker 1: (Looks back at the message) Ummm…. (Back to Procrastination) It says “ASAP”.

Procrastination: HA!  That’s just the higher-ups trying to make their problem your problem.  Set it aside; it’ll keep.

Coworker 1: But – what if my boss comes looking for these ASAP?

Procrastination: Then say you’re working on it.  If everyone starts getting antsy, you can add that the projects need to go through a few more iterations before they’re ready for launch; that oughta do it.

Coworker 1: (Starts taking notes and nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh; any other suggestions?

Procrastination: Oh yeah: like I said earlier, whatever you’re working on now, leave it for later.

Coworker 1: But I’ve been working on it all day –

Procrastination: Exactly: it’s probably garbage now, so go back to it when you’re fresh.  Like in a month or so.

Coworker 1: Really?

Procrastination: Yep!  In the wise words of the Bard of Avon, “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow”… will always be there, so why stress out today?

Coworker 1: I… don’t think that’s how the line goes….

Procrastination: Doesn’t matter: go take an hour-long 15, you deserve it!  (Disappears)

Coworker 1: Wha – ?

Coworker 2: (Peeks head around the cubicle opening) Hey: you off the phone now?

Coworker 1: I wasn’t on – never mind; what’s up?

Coworker 2: Just got the word that our self-evaluations are due Friday instead of next month `cause of some system glitch – you do yours yet?

Coworker 1: No.

Coworker 2: Well, I finally finished mine and it took forever, so I’d say hurry up since Friday’ll be here any minute.  (Trots over to the next cubicle to spread the happy news)

Coworker 1: (Looks over at the desktop calendar showing that the current day is Wednesday) Friday, hm?  Plenty of time….

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At Coworker 1’s townhouse)

Coworker 1: (Sitting on the couch while talking on the phone) So the drafts through all the windows and doors are getting worse and every floor has got this weird leak going and I have no idea what that smell coming from the laundry room is and don’t get me started on the cracks in the walls that are cutting into the ceilings and I don’t even know where to begin!

Procrastination: (Pops into view on the other end of the couch) Then don’t.

Coworker 1: (Staring at Procrastination as the voice on the other end of the phone starts speaking) I’ve… gotta go.

Voice on the Phone: Wait, you need to get out of there immediately – !

Coworker 1: (Ends the call and drops the phone onto a cushion) All right, I’ll bite: what do you mean, “Don’t”?

Procrastination: Exactly that.  These problems have been there way before you noticed, and they’ll be there for a lot longer before the tipping point of permanent damage, so why worry about them now?  (Holds out a fishing pole) Haven’t you been wanting to go fishing on the lake for AGES?

Coworker 1: (Eyes widening, grabs the pole and runs) FISHING!

Procrastination: (As the front door slams) Heh-heh-heh – sweet.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(At a banquet hall)

Coworker 1: (Rushing in, sees Coworker 2 standing at a high top table and zooms over) Hi, sorry I’m late, didn’t account for rush-hour traffic, and gave myself nine minutes for a half-hour drive – did I miss anything?

Coworker 2: (Takes a swig of limeade while thinking) Whelp, only Jerry’s retirement speech – and a bunch of the food – and the 50-50 that’s 100% going to Jerry anyway –

Coworker 1: Great, it sounds like I missed most of the whole thing already!  Is the buffet still open at least?

Coworker 2: (Points with the glass) I think the other end hasn’t been taken down yet, so you might get a few mashed potatoes or some spinach or whatever.

Coworker 1: Errrrggghhhhh!  (Starts to dash over there but is stopped by a brief hand on the shoulder from Coworker 2) What?!

Coworker 2: Hate to bring this up, but did you drop off your gift yet?  `Cause I think they’re taking down that table now, too.

Coworker 1: (Smacks forehead) The gift!  I completely put off getting it, then forgot!

Coworker 2: Oh well, maybe you can mail it when Jerry moves to Florida tomorrow, but I don’t think anyone has the address.

Coworker 1: (Slumps onto the table) This just keeps getting more and more embarrassing!

Coworker 2: Yeah, not to rub salt in the wound either, but I think your name came up when Jerry was talking with our boss about those ASAP reports we got assigned a week ago, something about they’re still waiting for yours and it’s holding everything up, I didn’t catch all of it.

Coworker 1: (Lets head drop onto the table and moans into the cloth)

Coworker 2: (Finishes off the limeade and places the glass onto the passing tray of an efficient server) Yeah, hope you did your self-eval before that, heh-heh.

Coworker 1: (Head suddenly lifts) The self-eval!  (Runs out the door)

Coworker 2: (Starts working on a newly arrived plate of tiramisu) Hm – what a mess.

SEVERAL DAYS LATER

(Coworker 1 is sitting on the living room floor frantically searching through files in boxes when Procrastination appears ensconced in an armchair)

Procrastination: So!  That looks tedious – how about leave it for another day and watch some more episodes of your new favorite show instead?  You know you want to.

Coworker 1: (Stands and points an accusatory finger at Procrastination) You!

Procrastination: (Points to self) I?

Coworker 1: Yes!  My life is falling apart because of you!

Procrastination: Nonsense: your life was falling apart long before I showed up.  Don’t you feel the stress just melting off now that you’re no longer bound by other people’s arbitrary timetables and deadlines?

Coworker 1: No!  Because of you, I almost got fired; Jerry’s never going to speak to me again, either here or in Florida; the house is still falling apart at a rapidly increasing rate; and because I didn’t do my taxes in time, I’m probably going to jail!

Procrastination: Oh, that’s ridiculous.

Coworker 1: Is it?!

Procrastination: Yes.  You still worry over nothing: they’d charge you penalties for years before jail is ever presented as an option.

Coworker 1: Well!  That’s just a huge relief, now isn’t it!  (Collapses onto the floor, holds head, and makes upset noises into hands)

Procrastination: (Sighs in annoyance and tsks) If you’re going to take that attitude, then this isn’t going to be fun anymore.

Coworker 1: (Sits up suddenly and glares in fury at Procrastination) NO!  KIDDING!

Procrastination: (Stands and brushes hands dismissively) You know, I was trying to do you a favor, but since I can tell that my efforts aren’t appreciated, I’ll go help someone else who actually deserves it. (Disappears)

Coworker 1: GOOD!  Oh, gone.  (Stares at the files scattered on the floor, then feels a drop of water land on head; while brushing it off, looks up to see a new, spreading leak in the ceiling) Maybe I have it all wrong: maybe if I procrastinate forever, this can all become Someone Else’s Problem.

Story 476: How Easy It Is to Not Do Something

(On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, whatcha doing?

Sibling 2: Oh, not much, just taking the kids to school soon, then gotta get to work for the next eight-and-a-half hours, plus squeeze in food shopping somewhere between the end of my shift and picking the kids up from school, and cooking –

Sibling 1: That’s great; I need your advice on something.

Sibling 2: Sure, go ahead.

Sibling 1: I’ve got this huge mess in the apartment that’s really just the smaller messes joining forces into one giant horde, and it’s been hanging over me that I should do something about it, and I don’t know, what do you think?

Sibling 2: …Seriously?!

Sibling 1: It’s really bothering me.

Sibling 2: (Sighs) I dunno, maybe just throw everything out at this point.

Sibling 1: Now that’s plain wasteful.  And I might want to keep a few things that’re hiding at the bottom.

Sibling 2: Then just tackle it a bit at a time and go through what you want to keep and want you can get rid of.

Sibling 1: (Whines) But that’ll take forever!

Sibling 2: Fine, you’ve gone this long living with it so keep on not doing anything about it then; the world won’t end.

Sibling 1: Really?  It won’t?

Sibling 2: (Sighs again) Yes, it’ll only actually end as the sun expands into a red giant.  I’m hanging up now.  (Ends the call)

Sibling 1: (Staring into the middle distance) The world won’t end if I don’t do a thing….

(At a department store)

Supervisor (To Sibling 1): Hey – you gonna get around to taking care of the reshelves sometime tonight or what?

Sibling 1: (Was zoned out while leaning against a fixture) Eh?

Supervisor: I said, we’ve got a leaning tower of reshelves – you gonna put those away anytime soon?

Sibling 1: That sounds different from what you said the first time.

Supervisor: And?!

Sibling 1: And I’ll get right on those. 

Supervisor: (Smiles tightly) Thank you.  (Mutters while walking away) Weirdo slacker.

Sibling 1: (Resumes zoning out) Eventually….

(In Sibling 1’s apartment)

Sibling 1: (While opening mail, reads a notice) “Please reply with your donation in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile and opens another) “Please remit payment for this bill in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile and opens another) “Please submit your annual tax return in seven days” – or else what?  (Tosses the letter onto the giant mess pile, which heaves as it expands once again)

(At a café)

Sibling 2: (Enters in a rush, sees Sibling 2 at a table, and heads over there to sit) Hey, sorry I’m late: had to take the dog to the vet, and then start the turkey and hors d’ouevres and sheet cake for the party tonight –

Sibling 1: Yeah, sounds fun – I picked us up coffee and muffins, but that was a chore, let me tell you.  (Slides over Sibling 2’s drink and dish)

Sibling 2: How’s that?  (Blow vigorously on the coffee and proceeds to down it)

Sibling 1: Well, I took your advice and cut a lot of activity out of my life –

Sibling 2: (Mouth full of muffin) Huh?

Sibling 1: – and I’ve been noticing that the less I’ve been doing, the less I want to do.

Sibling 2: Is this about that garbage-dump mess in your apartment?  `Cause I can help you go through all that stuff if you want.

Sibling 1: (Sighs softly and settles even more into the chair) You’re very generous with your time and talent, but the mess and I have reached an understanding.  No, it’s gone way past that now: I’m just finding it easier and easier not to do things I don’t want to do, and I’m suffering few to zero consequences for it so I’m incrementally doing even more… less, if that’s actually possible.

Sibling 2: (Finishes the muffin) Heh, lucky.

Sibling 1: Don’t rush to envy: as much of a blessing, `tis also a curse.  There are fewer things I want to do now, and I’m choosing more often not to do them.  I’m surprised I even made it here today.

Sibling 2: Oh no, are you suffering from depression?

Sibling 1: No, nothing that legitimate: I’m just incredibly lazy.

Sibling 2: Oh.  Then get over it.

Sibling 1: That would require actual effort on my part, and my current lifestyle is the complete opposite of that.

Sibling 2: (Checks wristwatch, stands, and grabs wallet) Well, this was lovely – I gotta go make sure the kids are done cleaning the house and then finish what they missed, so good luck with your newfound life of leisure, I’m sure you’ll have a wonderfully miserable time.  (Tosses some money on the table) I assume you somehow managed to stir yourself enough to pay the cashier, so here’s my half.  I’m going back to my nonstop life now, byyyeeee!!!  (Takes the coffee cup and dish to deposit them at the garbage area, and leaves in a rush)

Sibling 1: (Stares at the money, coffee, and muffin) But it’s so easy not to do something; no effort at all.

Employee: (Wipes down Sibling 2’s side of the table) Not to hurry you out, but we’ve got a line of people waiting to sit and you’ve been here almost an hour, just saying.  (Moves on to wipe down other occupied tables)

Sibling 1: (Sighs again and gently picks at the mostly-intact muffin) So easy….

Story 470: Avoiding Stress This Christmas Season by Avoiding This Christmas Season

“That’s it!  This year, I’m not doing anything for Christmas!  And that includes the entire month of December and post-Thanksgiving November!”

“OK, Scrooge.”

“Listen, I’m not doing this to be mean, greedy, and selfish; I’m just taking a year off from the rat race that is ‘The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.’”

“How do you mean?”

“I’m tired of running around 10 times more than I already run around on a daily basis!  This year, I don’t want to spend half my paycheck and all my free time shopping for presents that aren’t for me!  Or wrapping and decorating and lighting and baking and caroling, all for other people!  Or sitting through concerts I don’t even know how I got invited to support featuring people I don’t even know!  Or sludging through traffic for hundreds of miles to visit people who don’t want to be there, either!”

“I’m sure they actually do want to – ”

“Stress!”

“Oh, you’re still going.”

“So much stress, and for what?!”

“Well, goodwill toward – ”

“No!  This year, I’m going to take care of me for a change: no extra trips, no extra expenses, no extra time I’ll never get back, no extra demands on my attention or affection, just blissful peace and quiet!  A humdrum season, and a serene day off from work!”

“OK, go for it.”

“I – wait, seriously?”

“You seem to really need it, so do it.  You take care of you.”

“Oh.  I figured I’d get more pushback.”

“You’ve already revved yourself up enough; no need for me to add to it.”

 WEEK 1

“Hi!  So, we’re having the Office Holiday Party next Thursday – ”

“Nope!  Spending that night soaking in a bubble bath while listening to smooth jazz.”

“Oh.  We’re taking contributions for food and doing a Secret Santa, though.”

“Even more reason for me to keep my date with the bath.”

 WEEK 2

“Here: I got you a little something for Christmas.”

“Please keep it: I’m not giving anyone anything this year, and I expect the same.”

“Oh.  It’s OK, you don’t have to get me anything – ”

“I refuse both the gift and the guilt.  I also refuse to see the interior of a mall or any kind of retail store for the next six weeks.”

“Wow.  I think I’m kind of jealous – whoever thought you could just not shop this time of year?”

“I did.”

 WEEK 3

“What’s this about you not coming to your cousins’ house this Christmas?!”

“Ah yes, I’ve been expecting this call: I will convey my love and regards to everyone in the entire family and assurances that this is not a reflection upon them, but otherwise no one will see my face or hear my voice this Yuletide.  I reject the whole ordeal this year, and you all have my permission to trash-talk me behind my back the entire day.”

“If you don’t show up, I’m – going to be extremely disappointed.”

“That is unfortunate, but unavoidable.”

“Well, just know that we most certainly are going to talk about you behind your back, but we still love you no matter what.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

 CHRISTMAS DAY

            “Hello?”

“Merry Christmas!  I know you’re in isolation mode, but I had to ask: how’s the serenity?”

“Merry Christmas to you, too!  Yes, while I’m sure you’re currently in Hour 3 of your trek to Grandmother’s House where chaos awaits, I am relaxing on my couch in fluffy pajamas, sipping a cup of hot cocoa, listening to perennial favorites on the radio, and facing an entire day free from the Christmas Onslaught and all its trimmings.”

“Great!  You’re right, we’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and heading for a house filled with 50 humans and 20 cats, dogs, and birds; I’m exhausted already.  So, your set-up sounds like it’s exactly what you wanted: absolute peace and quiet.  How does it feel?”

“…Kind of boring, actually.”