Story 541: I Thought Memorial Day Was for Summer Barbecues?

            (On the phone)

Friend 1: Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: Hi, just checking: do you have Memorial Day off this year?

Friend 1: Yes!  For the first time in almost 10 years, work finally didn’t schedule me on the most beloved of three-day weekends.  Of course, the one time it happened, it doesn’t matter: holiday’s ruined before it even started.

Friend 2: How so?

Friend 1: Well, my family was going to have an outdoor barbecue with the pool and the volleyball and the cornhole and the fireworks and everything and it was going to be awesome, but the forecast is calling for torrential downpours that day and we can’t do any of that stuff inside so they called it off and now I’m depressed.

Friend 2: Oh.  I actually was checking if you’d like to go to the parade with me that day, and since they’re having it rain or shine it seems you’re now available for it.

Friend 1: …Parade?

Friend 2: Yes, the Memorial Day parade our town’s having.

Friend 1: ….             

Friend 2: It takes over Main Street for three hours every year – surely you’re at least aware of that?

Friend 1: …Vaguely.

Friend 2: You do know what Memorial Day is about, don’t you?!

Friend 1: …Vaguely.

Friend 2: I’ll pick you up at 9:30 that morning – good-bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Lowers the phone and stares into the middle distance) …Our town has a Main Street?

MEMORIAL DAY

(In a steady rainfall, Friend 1 and Friend 2 are wearing raincoats and waving small American flags while standing with others lining the sidewalks of Main Street, watching the floats and musicians parade by and speeches made on a covered dais)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 during a brief break in the festivities) You know, I’m glad you dragged me out here super early on my day off – seeing all the active service members, veterans, and their families, and listening about how much they’ve sacrificed for our freedom and safety really makes me appreciate all the good things in my life and want to hug everyone here.

Friend 2: Glad to hear it.  Sorry you didn’t get to also go to your barbecue.

Friend1: (Shrugs) I suppose there’s always next year, but work’ll probably come to their senses and go back to scheduling me that day again.  (They watch the parade resume and start waving their flags again) I wish I’d been more aware of all this earlier in my life.  Did you know that all of May is National Military Appreciation Month?

Friend 2: (Freezes in mid-flag wave) I… never knew that.  How could I have not have known that?!

Friend 1: (Waves the flag self-satisfiedly) Guess you just learn something new every day, huh.

Friend 2: (Purses lips while waving the flag) How about you never bring that up again, and I’ll never bring up the fact that until last week you thought that Memorial Day existed just so you could go to a barbecue?

Friend 1: Sounds reasonable.

Story 494: Inappropriate Calf Raises

(In a park, Friend 1 and Friend 2 walk along a trail)

Friend 1: I’m just saying, if we want to see any lasting change for the better on this planet, then all of us should start taking some personal responsibility for once in our lives and stop breathing out so much carbon dioxide all day long.

Friend 2: You had me until that last phrase.  (Stops at a World War II memorial stationed next to the trail and spends a few moments reading the dedication and soldiers’ names)

Friend 1: (Leans in closer to read the inscription; to Friend 2) Any relatives of yours?

Friend 2: No; just figured I’d pay my respects, considering the day.

Friend 1: What’s today?  I thought it was just Memorial Day week… end…. (Trails off as Friend 2 gives Friend 1 a withering look) Never mind me.

Friend 2: Unbelievable.

(After a few moments of silence, they continue on the trail)

Friend 1: On another note –

Friend 2: Oh, what banality is it now?

Friend 1: I’ve been noticing lately that we walk for miles and miles every week, and yet my legs still are completely unacceptable.

Friend 2: (Stops walking to face Friend 1, who also stops) What?!

Friend 1: I mean, look at this!  (Raises one leg to demonstrate a weak calf) What do you call that?!

Friend 2: I call that needing more exercise than once a week.  Maybe join a gym?

Friend 1: (Lowers leg as they resume walking) Please.  No, I have no room in my busy schedule of relaxing after work to fit in anything else, but I also can’t believe all this walking is doing bupkis for the very muscles in action.

Friend 2: I don’t know, maybe do some calf raises during the day; those usually are quick and you can do them just about anywhere.

Friend 1: Picking up a baby cow is fast and easy?

Friend 2: …Now I know you can’t be that stupid.  (Stops again to slowly rise and lower on toes several times) These are calf raises.  (Stops those and they both begin walking again)

Friend 1: Ohhhhhhh…. And those’ll turn my legs into steel, then?

Friend 2: They should help, yeah.  And you can do a few anywhere, anytime, like when you’re standing on a long line or something.

Friend 1: Perfect: I know just the places I can do them, and then all my problems will be solved forever.

Friend 2: Wonderful.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a supermarket, Friend 1 is at the end of a long checkout line and suddenly starts bobbing up and down doing calf raises)

Customer: (Waiting behind Friend 1) Line’s pretty long still, if you’re trying to find the end of it.

Friend 1: (Looks back at Customer mid-raise) Huh?  Oh, no, I’m just doing calf raises.

Customer: Oh.  OK.  (Friend 1 turns around and starts bobbing up and down again) Kind of weird.

Friend 1: (While turning back) What?

Customer: What?

THE NEXT DAY

(In a department store before the start of the business day, Friend 1 and coworkers stand in a circle around the customer service desk as Manager leads a meeting)

Manager: – so if we don’t make plan this week then everybody’s hours are getting cut again, but since that’s nothing new let’s move on to Corporate’s project where you all need to sell at least one box of the company’s new cookies every shift – (To Friend 1) am I boring you?

Friend 1: (Stops at the top of a calf raise) Hm?  No, just aggravating – why?

Manager: You’re acting antsy with all that bobbing up and down there.

Friend 1: (Resumes) Just some calf raises to start off the day!

Manager: Not on company time they aren’t.

Friend 1: (Thuds back down on heels) Oh.  (Whispers to Coworker as Manager continues the meeting) How do those affect company time?

Coworker: (Shrugs and whispers back without looking at Friend 1) Don’t ask me; I just work here.

THE NEXT DAY

(At a funeral home, Friend 1 and Cousin sit on folding chairs in the center of the room, surrounded by mourners; the former starts doing calf raises while seated)

Cousin: (Leans over to Friend 1 and whispers) Knock it off.

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers heels to the floor) Good call.

 THE NEXT DAY

(Friend 1 is in the living room doing calf raises while on the phone with Friend 2)

Friend 1: So I took your advice and started doing calf raises everywhere –

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: – and I really have been noticing a difference already; the wobbliness is almost all gone for the first time since high school! 

Friend 2: Well, that’s great, just don’t overdo it.

Friend 1: (Increases speed) Hey, what makes you think I’d overdo it?

Friend 2: I know you.

Friend 1: Point taken, but that’s just nonsense – ah!  (Falls to the floor in agony but never drops the phone)

Friend 2: What, what happened?!

Friend 1: (Uses a knuckle to select the speaker option on the phone, then drops it to grab both calves while grimacing) I pulled the muscles in my both my legs!

Friend 2: Right on schedule.