Story 552: Off-Season Hot Chocolate

             (In an ice cream parlor at a beach town during the summer, the line snakes out the door and around the corner of the building late at night.  Behind the counter, Manager and three Employees field multiple orders at a time from large groups, with no breaks from the never-ending line)

Manager: (Smiling while handing over several cones and cups to a multi-generational party, who take the desserts and run) Here ya go!  (Immediately rings up the order from memory and addresses the group’s representative) That’ll be $40.87.

Customer 1: (Freezes while digging out a wallet) It wasn’t that high last year.

Manager: (Still smiling, briefly points to the giant sign on the wall behind the counter listing all the food, drinks, and prices) Well, prices are all posted, and as you know, this is a family-run business with all our specialty, hand-crafted tastes and treats made with the utmost care and love – and all that ain’t gettin’ any cheaper.  (Holds out a hand) $40.87, please.

Customer 1: (Counts out exact change) Here – next time I’m telling them all to order the smallest size.

Manager: (Dumps the cash into the register) You do you.  (As Customer 1 starts to turn away, Manager slides the tip jar over) Ah-ah-ah.

Customer 1: I thought you said this was family-run?  Don’t you get all the profit?

Manager: Me and behind-the-scenes are family – (Nods at Employees) That crew’s a bunch of doomed college students who’ll need all the help they can get.

Employee 1: (Freezes mid-scoop) Huh?

Manager: Like you don’t know – (Points to the ice cream carton) and make sure you don’t sweat in that thing like last night!  (Employee 1 ducks out of the case while finishing scooping as Manager cheerfully turns back to Customer 1) So?

Customer 1: (Tosses a dollar into the jar) Vacations ain’t getting’ any cheaper, either.  (Leaves)

Manager: (Mutters) I’ll bet.  (Loudly) Next!

Customer 2: (Approaches the counter) Hi, can I have a… (Squints up at the giant sign) Rootin’ Tootin’ Banana Split Fruitin’ Fudge Brownie –

Manager: Yeah, I really need to shorten that title; what size?

Customer 2: GRANDE.

Manager: Ohh-kaay, that’s a large.  (Briefly taps Employee 2’s shoulder as the latter is topping off a sundae) When you’re done with that order, go in the back and make up a large #4.

Employee 2: (Whines) Aw, Boss, do I have to?

Manager: (Stares balefully at Employee 2) Yes!  You’re the only one here besides me who can make it competently, and I am not leaving this counter unsupervised!  And it’s your job, so get moving.  (Turns back to Customer 2) That’ll be a few minutes – (Points to a nearby table) Would you mind waiting there until it’s done, please?  You can pay when it’s delivered to you.

Customer 2: With great anticipation.  (Spins around, glides over to the table, and slides onto the chair)

Manager: (Quietly) Oh my.  (To the rest of the room) Next!

Customer 3: (Steps up to the counter, very intense) Hello.

Manager: Hi!  How can I help you?

Customer 3: I would like a small hot chocolate, please.

(Everyone else in the ice cream parlor freezes; mouths drop open in shock and/or mid-bite, and ice cream falls off scoops and back into cartons, unchecked)

Manager: (Trying to maintain a smile) …Come again?

Customer 3: You heard me.

Manager: We… don’t serve hot chocolate here.

Customer 4: (On line by the front door) Yeah, `cause this is an ice cream parlor, ya weirdo!

Customer 3: (Ignoring the comment) I see that you serve coffee here, correct?

Manager: Yes, rarely –

Customer 3: Well then: use the same milk steamer that you would use for that, and pour some syrup or melt some fudge in it, and there you are.  Oh, and some of your homemade mini marshmallows to top it off would be most appreciated.

Manager: It’s… more of an… off-season menu item….

Customer 3: I fail to discern the issue here.

Customer 5: (In the middle of the line) That’s right: I see everyone else having hot coffee and hot tea all summer long, what’s the big deal?!  (Is shoved back toward the door by other Customers)

(Employee 2 slowly emerges from the back delicately carrying an extremely large platter laden with brownies, fruit, candy, and more toppings than ice cream)

Employee 2: All righty, who ordered the Rootin’ Tootin’ – ?

Manager: (Still locking eyes with Customer 3) NOT!  NOW!

Employee 2: (Immediately turns around and heads into the back) Okey dokey.

Manager: (Turns and points to Employee 3) You: turn on the steamer, grab five tablespoons of chocolate chips, and make a small hot chocolate topped with mini marshmallows.

Employee 3: (Panicking) But Boss, it’s the middle of summer, this just isn’t done!

Manager: That’s an order, Rising Sophomore!  (Employee 3 wails while turning on the steamer and scrambling to gather the chocolate chips)  Welcome to the real world, kiddo!  (Turns back to Customer 3 with a strained smile) Anything else?

Customer 3: No, that’ll be all for tonight, thank you.

Manager: (Types into the register) That’ll be $4.00… plus an extra 90 cents for the topping.

Customer 3: (Hands over $5.00) Keep the dime.  (Shoves a few dollars into the tip jar) For your trouble.

Manager: (Strained smile) Thank you.  It’s no trouble.

Employee 3: (Carefully walks over to Customer 3 and shakily hands over the hot chocolate, sniffling) One small hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows topping.

Customer 3: (Takes the cup) I thank you.  (Turns to leave)

Manager: DON’T – (Customer 3 turns back) you want to try it out?  Make sure it was made to your… satisfaction?

Customer 3: (Smiles bitterly) I trust the integrity of your family-run business and doomed college staff.  (Turns around slowly to address the waiting Customers) I will not be shamed further by your judgmental views of my dessert beverage of choice, just because it’s not the stereotypical season for it!  Or iced!  Or coffee!  Or tea!  Hypocrites!  (The other Customers lower their heads, chastened)  Besides – it’s too hot and I’ll burn my mouth if I drink it right now.  (Rushes through the parting crowd and out the door, cackling)

(A few moments of embarrassed silence, until – )

Customer 2: (Raises hand while sitting at the table) Excuse me?  Can I have my #4 now, please?

Manager: (Shakes self out of daze as Employees begin taking orders from Customers again) Oh yeah, sorry – it’s on the house.  (Yells at the back) #4, you’re up!

Employee 2: (Peeks head out) Is it safe to come out now?

Manager: Yes, before the whole thing melts!  Just bring it to Table 1!

Employee 2: (Slowly emerges from the back delicately carrying the platter again) Right: which one’s Table 1?

Manager: (Stares at Employee 2 in disbelief) The only table with a customer sitting at it!

Employee 2: Gotcha.  (Brings the large dessert to Customer 2 and sets it gently on the table) Here ya go!

Customer 2: Thanks ever so much.  (Employee 2 rushes back to the counter; Customer 2 takes a spoon that was stuck into the dessert and whispers to the giant mass of sugar) At last, you are mine.

Manager: (To the crowd) Next!

Customer 6: (Steps up to the counter) Wow, I bet when you started this business you never thought you’d have an order for hot chocolate in the summer, huh?

Manager: True, but I also never thought I’d be serving ice cream to dozens of people past midnight either, and yet, here we are.

Story 543: Trying to Call Out From Work on Father’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, you’re never gonna believe this –

Manager: I bet I won’t.

Employee: –  but I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Father’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: I thought last time you said Mother’s Day was the second biggest sales day?

Manager: Turns out I was mistaken.  I’m big enough to admit I’m wrong when I’m caught.

Employee: Good on you.  Anyways, just letting you know, I’m taking today off.

Manager: No you’re not: you’re scheduled on alternating hours covering the front register and customer service desk to handle all the last-minute panicking guilt-ridden adult children.

Employee: I thought you might say that, so I counter that offer with my willingness to work on Labor Day instead, even though its very existence implies that I shouldn’t have to by law.

Manager: It’s not an offer; it’s the non-negotiable schedule that’s been up for weeks – don’t tell me you forgot to request off super-early again like you did for Mother’s Day?

Employee: …OK, I won’t tell you.

Manager: You’re a real piece of work.  And no one else can switch with you for today, is that it?

Employee: Would you believe me if I told you I forgot to ask anyone until this morning?

Manager: Yes.

Employee: Well, there’s your answer.

Manager: Then I’m not too sorry to say there’ll be no last-minute saves with shift-switching today like we were able to pull off last time, so you’re stuck working most of the afternoon and all night.  I pity your dad, you know: there’s no way you’re calling out today unless you send over a doctor’s note that you’re violently ill within the next 20 minutes.

Employee: A doctor’s note, eh?  <COUGH-COUGH>

Manager: And don’t think I won’t be able to tell if it’s something you just whipped up on your home computer.

Employee: Oh.  I retract those coughs, then.

Manager: So you’re still coming in today, yes?

Employee: (Sighs) Unfortunately, although it pains my very soul to do so, yes I’m still coming in today.  I just will have to tearfully explain to my beloved father that his beloved child has been forced by a cruel manager and the unfeeling forces of capitalism to spend precious hours serving idle consumerists instead of showing my appreciation of him being the World’s #1 Dad, that’s all.

Manager: Wonderful.  I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but if it’s any consolation he can commiserate with my father on what awful children they have.

Employee: How so?

Manager: I lost track of the Sundays in June and wound up scheduling myself today, too.

Story 538: Trying to Call Out From Work on Mother’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Mother’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: So I’ve been told.

Manager: You’ve also been told that I already gave the day off to the mothers among us, and the rest of you either needed to have requested off three months ago and hope for the best or take another day off to make up for it if you wanted.

Employee: I do recall that.  However, I should make you aware at long last that I, too, am a mother.

Manager: Since when?!

Employee: It has been my private shame these past five years: the Baron refuses to acknowledge not only me, the one true love of his life, but also his 12 illegitimate children, whose presence, if revealed, would divide his estate into so many portions that even his so-called legal heirs would barely get a dime, and the horrendous scandal would tear his country apart.  The least I could get out of this stressful ordeal is one day with my offspring serving me breakfast in bed, don’t you think?

Manager: You’ve had 12 children in five years?

Employee: …There were a few sets of triplets in there.

Manager: You’re still working today.

Employee: OK-OK-fine; if that tragic tale doesn’t move your cold heart to tears, then I must tell you directly: I rescued a gaggle of orphaned goslings last night, and they imprinted on me.

Manager: Really.

Employee: I am now the matriarch of an interspecies family – how can you ask me to walk away from that enormous responsibility on today of all days?!

Manager: Well, I’m not asking.

Employee: Glad we agree.

Manager: I’m telling you directly: if you don’t come into work today, you’ll have all the time you like to mother your feathered children because you won’t be spending it here.

Employee: (Sighs) You leave me no choice, then.

Manager: Here it comes.

Employee: I swore never to reveal this to a single modern soul, but you have pushed me to the brink: my true name is… Eve.

Manager: OK…?

Employee: As in, the Mother of All Humanity.

Manager: Oh, for crying out –

Employee: Peace, my child: I have long since forgiven you and your brethren’s slanderous lies that I am solely responsible for getting us kicked out of Paradise – I seem to recall your Father going along with the fun until we got caught, which is retroactively typical.

Manager: Whatever: you still have an eight-hour shift coming up in 20 minutes.

Employee: All right!  The truth is, I’d promised my mom that I’d request off Mother’s Day this year but then I lost track of time and when I finally remembered it was a week away and I ran out of people who could switch days with me and now she’s gonna give me the disappointed look for the rest of my life!

Manager: Now why didn’t you just lead with that?  I still can’t switch days for you but I know at least one person doesn’t want to work tonight anymore, so if you take their closing shift and they work your mid-shift then you’ll at least get to do brunch or something with your mom today.

Employee: Yes!  That’d be perfect – you’re a lifesaver, thank you!

Manager: You’re welcome.  I gotta make a few phone calls now to set this up, so I’ll see you at 5, OK?

Employee: That’d be swell!  You’re a great “mom” to all of us here, you know that?

Manager: Certainly feels like it.

Story 533: House-and-Pet Sitter for Hire

 WEDNESDAY MORNING

            (Employee lies on the couch playing a video game on a tablet, pausing it when the phone rings)

Employee: Hey, what’s up?

Manager: (Voice) You do realize that the third no-call/no-show means you’re fired, don’t you?

Employee: Oh yeah, I’d been meaning to talk to you about that: I really can’t take the toxic work environment there anymore, so I decide not to expose myself to it ever again.  I probably won’t get unemployment either, but I figured the trade-off was worth it in the long run.

Manager: (Voice) …Please take me with you.

Employee: Sure, it’s amazingly easy to do.  Requires literally no effort on your part.

Manager: (Voice) …No, what am I saying?!  I can’t cold-bloodedly commit – (Whispers) “Job Abandonment”!  (Normal volume) How would I sleep at night?!

Employee: Same as you do every night, only with less stress I’d bet.

Manager: (Voice; sighs) It’s all those other things too, you know: steady paycheck, health benefits, the forever-unrealized hope of an actual vacation.  You gonna be OK with all that gone now?

Employee: Yeah, I’ll be fine – I’ll figure out something.

Manager: All right: best of luck to you then, and send some of it my way while you’re at it.

Employee: I would, but I don’t share – bye!  (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the couch, and opens an Internet browser on the tablet) Let’s see: easy money, easy money…. (Reviews several search results) “Rideshare Driver” – ugh, driving…. “Bike Messenger” – ugh, bicycling…. “Dog Walker” – ugh, walking…. Oh hello, what’s this?  “House-and-Pet Sitter Needed ASAP”.  (Pulls up a description of the position which includes a photo of a ginormous mansion) Yeah, dogs are walking right to the ol’ backyard – I’m in.  (Accepts the posting and leaps off the couch to pack an overnight bag and take a bus to the mansion)

 ONE HOUR LATER

            (Employee struggles up a steep hill to the mansion, gasping and sweating under the hot Sun.  At the end of the driveway, Employee grabs onto the gate for support which causes it to swing open)

Employee: Aw, how thoughtful.  (Struggles up the long, long driveway; on reaching the house and lumbering up many steps to the front entrance, the door suddenly flings opens to reveal Employer wearing a nice suit, light gloves, and a long coat with a dog excitedly barking nearby)

Employer: (Hurriedly) Hi, you’re the one who answered the ad right away?

Employee: (Hunched over at the knees to catch breath; gives a slight wave) Yep – [GASP] – that’s me.

Employer: Great, come on in!  (Turns around and trots through a hallway into the kitchen, followed by the eager dog.  Employee, recovered, strolls in afterward, eyes widening while slowly taking in the massive luxury all around) In here!

Employee: Right!  (Lightly jogs in to the kitchen)

Employer: (Ripping open a large bag of high quality dog food) Yeah, I’m kind of in a hurry – I have to get going soon, but first I had to go out and get some more dog food since the bowls were ABSOLUTELY EMPTY!  (Nearly spills out the food with a massive tear)

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Pours a lot of food into a bowl) Sorry, it’s just – seeing this – argh!  And the water bowls were empty, too!

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Looks back at Employee) Yes!  You understand!  (Brings the overflowing bowl down to the floor to the patiently waiting dog, who devours the contents; rubs the dogs ears soothingly) Yes my love, you were literally starving weren’t you, yes you were!  (Gives a pat on the head, stands to grab another bowl, opens the refrigerator, takes out a fancy water bottle, and pours its contents into the bowl) Unbelievable.  And to top it off, there were no treats in sight either so I had to pick up those, too!  (Gestures to another bag on the counter)

Employee: …OK.

Employer: So, what you see here?  Twice a day, 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.; treat around 1; pretty simple, right?

Employee: Right.

Employer: And the backyard’s immense, so let sweetums here do business wherever there.

Employee: …If you insist.

Employer: (Sets down the full water bowl next to the food; the dog then begins lapping that up furiously as Employer rubs the ears again) So thirsty, my love!  That’s just terrible…. (Clenches other hand)

Employee: (Has been looking around the kitchen unobtrusively) So, that go for all the dogs, then?

Employer: (Looks up at Employee) Hm?

Employee: (Gestures to the other bowls laid out near the still-drinking dog) Looks like there are about five dogs here.

Employer: (Focuses on rubbing the dog’s back) Oh, the other four ran off earlier this morning.

Employee: Oh!  (Cringes slightly) Do you… want me to go look for them?

Employer: (Sharply) They’re better off!

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Gives one last pat and stands again) So!  Let me give you the five-minute tour.  (Opens wide the combination freezer-fridge for Employee to see) Eat all the food you want here and in the pantry. 

Employee: Mmm….

Employer: (Gestures Employee to follow into multiple living/game rooms) Watch and play anything you want, even if it says credit card payment’s required.

Employee: Ooh….

(They both walk upstairs, followed by the dog)

Employer: (Opening bedroom and bathroom doors) Sleep anywhere and everywhere you like, and use all the soaps and towels you want.

Employee: Ooohhhh….

Employer: (Opens the door to a massive closet in the master bedroom) Wear anything that takes your fancy in here, including the shoes.

Employee: Oooohhhh – although I don’t think I’m quite the right size.

Employer: I’m sure there’s something that’ll do; keep whatever you want from here.

Employee: Ha-ha-ha – seriously?!

Employer: You have no idea.

Employee: Umm….

(They go back downstairs and out the back door, sans dog, to survey the adventure park that is the backyard)

Employer: (Points to each area) Inground heated pool – tennis court – go-kart track – bouncy castle.  Any supplies not already out here are in the shed; lock’s busted so you can go right in.

Employee: Cool.

(They walk over to the open garage)

Employer: (Opens one of the five cars parked inside and grabs a set of keys from under the driver’s side Sun visor) You drive?

Employee: When the situation calls for it.

Employer: (Tosses the keys to Employee, who almost fumbles catching them) It’s yours – consider it your payment since I don’t have cash handy.  Title’ll be transferred to your name later.

Employee: (Stares at the keys and Employer in disbelief) No way!  (Eyes narrow in suspicion) What’s the catch?

Employer: No catch; just do exactly what you were hired for.  (Both walk back into the house; Employer picks up the waiting dog and pets the latter affectionately) Especially take care of this precious little lovey-wovey dumpling!

Employee: (Pockets the car keys) Oh, I definitely will.

Employer: Good.  (Sets down the dog with one last pat) Well, I’m off – call 911 if you need anything.  (Heads to the front door)

Employee: (Follows in slight confusion, with the dog not far behind) Wait a minute, is there a security system I should set or something?  Or house keys in case I need to go out, even though I really don’t want to, ever?

Employer: (Chuckles) Don’t worry about it.  (Employee double-takes; Employer reaches the front door, scoops up a large sack that was sitting on the floor next to it, and turns to the former) It’s posted all over social media that the trip’s done by Monday night around 7:00 so please leave before then, and wipe down everything you touched before you go.

Employee: (Slightly crestfallen) Right, of course.

Employer: (Opens the front door, then turns to Employee again) Oh, one more thing: feel free to trash the place.

Employee: (Laughs, then stops at Employer’s somber face) What?

Employer: Seriously: trash it.  It’ll bring me joy.  (Smiles down at the dog, standing next to Employee with tail wagging in glee) Bye-bye, baby!  (Blows kisses to the dog and leaves with a slamming door, followed soon after by the sounds of a revving engine and screeching tires)

Employee: (Stares down at the dog, who merrily stares back) If this is a dream, I don’t wanna wake up.  (Proceeds to spend the next six days living in luxury, using everything inside and outside the mansion and having a blast with the dog as they play all day, every day to Employee’s mental soundtrack of party songs)

MONDAY – 7:00 P.M.

(Employee is napping curled up with the dog on a couch while a paid move plays on the giant TV in the main living room when the front door opens)

Employee: (Stirring awake as the dog sits up and begins to bark, then checks watch) Oh, shoot, honeymoon’s over – gonna get kicked out of paradise now.  (Rubs face while slowly getting up; the dog bounces off the couch and trots over to the stranger who enters the living room with a wheeled suitcase and a garment bag; both humans freeze on seeing each other)

Stranger: Who the blazes are you?!

Employee: I could ask you the very same question.

Stranger: I live here!  (Uses a leg to shoo away the dog trying to cuddle)

Employee: Oh.  Well, your spouse or butler or whoever hired me to watch the place and the dog, so….

Stranger: (Still shooing away the dog while setting down the suitcase and the bag) What in the world are you talking about?

Employee: (Rubs eyes some more) Yeah, sorry I’m still here when you got back; I was told I should leave before now, but you know when you get really comfortable –

Stranger: Hold on, hold on – told by who?  I’m the only one who lives here!

Employee: (Blinks a few times) Umm… I am extremely confused right now….

Stranger: (Walks to a panel on a wall) Yep: security system’s busted – gate was left wide open – (Sees that the other rooms are very lived in) – place is a mess, and I bet half my stuff is gone.  (Takes out a cell phone and starts dialing) You’re the most inept thief ever.  Don’t even think about running – I’m calling the cops.

Employee: (Finally wakes up fully and also takes out a cell phone) Whoa-whoa-whoa, don’t call the cops – yet; I just answered a job ad!  (Brings up the ad and holds out the phone to Stranger)

Stranger: What?

Employee: An ad!  For a house-and-pet sitter!  (Hands over the phone to Stranger, then looks down at the expectant dog) Speaking of which – time for your extra treat!  (Employee and the dog skip into the kitchen as Stranger slowly follows while reading the posting; Employee feeds the dog a biscuit) I probably started a bad habit with this, but when those big eyes look at you so sweetly, how can we mere humans resist?  (Rubs the dog’s ears fondly)

Stranger: (Hands the phone back to Employee, who stands to take it) I didn’t place this ad.

Employee: (Pockets the phone with a shrug) Oh, well, like I said, that cousin or personal assistant or whoever hired me.

Stranger: And like I said, I’m the only one who lives here!  (Suddenly looks around the kitchen) And where are all the other beasts?!

Employee: (Raises eyebrows) I was told that the other dogs ran off before I got here.

Stranger: What?!  They were worth thousands more than that little runt who stayed behind!  (Employee protectively picks up the dog as Stranger darts over to the door that leads to the garage and turns on a light in there, voice echoing from below) Ah!  My favorite car’s gone!  (Employee surreptitiously takes keys out of a pants pocket and sticks them in a random drawer as Stranger runs back into the kitchen and points to the former) You!  Follow me!  Now!

Employee: (Petting the oblivious dog) Must I?

Stranger: Yes!

(They go upstairs to see the very lived-in bedrooms and bathrooms)

Employee: (Sheepishly, still cuddling the dog) I’ll clean all this up.

Stranger: (Seething) Don’t bother – it might mess up the evidence.  (Strides into the master bedroom, flings open the closet door, pauses momentarily at the sight of disheveled clothes and shoes, and crouches down to the floor safe)

Employee: (As face is being licked by the dog) Should I step outside for a minute?

Stranger: (Gritting teeth while entering a code) No point.  (Opens the safe, which only contains a folded piece of paper)

Employee: (Peers over Stranger’s shoulder as the latter takes out the paper with a hand shaking in anger) I’m assuming it wasn’t that empty when you last left it.

Stranger: No it was not.  (Opens up the note)

Employee: (Shifts the dog slightly to read over Stranger’s shoulder) “Consider yourself lucky – next time I’ll call the ASPCA for suspected animal cruelty.”

(Stranger stands suddenly and faces Employee)

Stranger: How much money you want to keep the dog and never breathe a word about any of this to a single soul?

Employee: (Nuzzling the contentedly napping dog) No worries – I’ve been paid enough.

Story 524: Puzzle Revenge

            (In an office conference room, Employee 1 concludes a slide presentation)

Employee 1: And so, if we follow this plan exactly as-is with absolutely no margin for error, by next quarter we will have transformed seamlessly from a trillion-dollar company into a quadrillion-dollar company!  And then, it’s only a matter of time until we hit the quintillion-dollar category, but why dream small?!  (Closes down the presenting screen and bows slightly) I thank you for your time and attention.

(Manager and five of the attendees stare in shock for several moments, then simultaneously stand and burst into applause with a few approving whistles thrown in for good measure)

Manager: (Still clapping, with tears streaming) That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life!

Employee 1: (Ducks head bashfully) Aw shucks; thank you.

Manager: (Approaches Employee 1 to pat the latter on the shoulder) I can see now that you’re really going places, kid – keep up the good work!

Employee 1: Thanks!  I sure will!  (Starts cleaning up notes as Manager and the five attendees leave the conference room)

Attendee 1: (Voice in the hall) We’re gonna be rich!

Attendee 2: (Voice in the hall) – er!

Attendee 1: (Cackles) Rich – er!

(The multiple cackling fades away as Employee 1 smiles to self, then suddenly looks up as a slow clap begins at the far end of the conference table)

Employee 2: (To the sound of each clap) Well – well – well.  (Stops the clap to sit up straighter) Look who’s made it to –

Employee 1: (Had started speaking at the same time) Oh, you’re still here?

Employee 2: What?

Employee 1: Sorry; go ahead.

Employee 2. Well, now my timing’s all thrown off and I forgot what I was going to lead with.

Employee 1: You started at “Well – well – well”; does that help?

Employee 2: Ah!  Yes, thank you.  (Leans back in the chair, steeples fingers, smirks smugly, and clears throat) Well – well – well.  Look who’s made it to the big time.

Employee 1: Oh, yes indeed – I thought the presentation went well, don’t you?

Employee 2: (Drops the hands and the smirk) That entire presentation was MINE!

Employee 1: (Thinks for a few seconds) Oh right, it was.  Great job; it really conveyed the information clearly.

Employee 2: Why, thank you – thief!

Employee 1: Huh?

Employee 2: I created that presentation, not you!

Employee 1: We established that, yes?

Employee 2: So you copied the files from the shared drive and just now passed off all my hard work as your own!

Employee 1: Yes?

Employee 2: …So that’s stealing and wrong!

Employee 1: (Thinks for a few more seconds, shrugs, finishes collecting the papers and the laptop, and begins to leave) If you say so.

Employee 2: (Leaps out of the chair to dart into Employee 1’s path) Anyone would say so!  I know I can’t prove it to your new fan club out there, but don’t worry – (Voice drops to a deadly whisper) I will have my revenge.

Employee 1: Sounds great; see you at the team-building event this afternoon, yeah?  (Walks around Employee 2 and exits the conference room, whistling)

Employee 2: (Turns to stare with narrowed eyes at the retreating figure) What a diabolical ditz….

THE NEXT MORNING

(Employee 1 is at home eating breakfast and hears a thud at the front door; opening it, a courier is seen running down the driveway to the parked truck and then driving off)

Employee1: (Shakes head) Just like “The Elves and the Shoemaker”.  (Looks down and sees a package that had been tossed against the front door, then brings it inside, opens it at the kitchen table, takes out a card that reads “To My Mortal Frenemy – May This Bring Many Hours of Non-Enjoyment, BWAHAHAHAHA (imagine a supervillain’s evil laughter with that last bit)!  Signed, You-Better-Know-Who”, and lays down the card to think) I wonder who that could be?  (Shrugs, then takes out another box from inside the package and sees that it is a small puzzle with 13 pieces; reads the photo-less cover) “Millions of possibilities – can you wrestle out the right one?”  Well, yes, this clearly is meant to be completed by an infant.  (Opens the box and quickly flips over the pieces) Aw, it’s a bunch of frolicking butterflies – easy-peasy.  (Within five minutes, assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –

ONE WEEK LATER

(Employee 2 cheerfully raps on Employee 1’s front door; after several minutes of repeated rapping, Employee 1 opens the door appearing extremely haggard and wearing the same outfit as in the previous week)

Employee 1: (Voice creaky from disuse) Hello?

Employee 2: (Barely containing glee) Since you clearly haven’t checked your messages, I volunteered to come and tell you that you’ve been fired for violating the company’s job abandonment policy – however, upper management loved “your” presentation so much they’re willing to take you back if you agree to make that project your sole priority in life for the next five years, minimum.  I also graciously volunteered to assist you with all that.  (Employee 1 stares blankly at Employee 2, who chokes down a laugh) On a related note, I assume you got my… present?

Employee 1: (Finally stirs) Oh, that was from you?  Yes, I’ve had a devil of a time trying to get these blasted butterflies to fit together – every time I think I’ve got the thing solved, a head suddenly doesn’t match a thorax, or a wing’s slightly off.

Employee 2: Dear me, that does sound like a pickle.

Employee 1: Would you like to check it out?  I don’t mine someone else taking all the glory at this point.

Employee 2: (Mutters) That’d be a first.

Employee 1: What was that?

Employee 2: I would be delighted.  (They both enter the kitchen and sit at opposite sides of the table; Employee 1 takes apart the puzzle and within five minutes Employee 2 assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait, these two don’t match.  (Takes apart the puzzle and assembles 11 pieces) Oh, wait –

TWELVE HOURS LATER

Employee 2: Oh, wait –

Employee 1: (Awakens from a doze) You know, I just now understand the message you sent, that this – (Gestures at the puzzle) is meant to drive me bonkers as a sort of revenge for stealing your work.  (Nods thoughtfully) Most effective, I must say.

Employee 2: (Blearily looks up at Employee 1) Yes: it seems in my quest for vengeance, I have become a monster.  Didn’t see that coming.

Employee 1: Hm.... Have another go?

Employee 2: (Takes apart the puzzle) Of course.

Story 514: Lost in the Corn Maze… in Broad Daylight

            (At a local farm temporarily converted into a Halloween/Autumn Extravaganza, Friend 1 and Friend 2 follow several groups of families and friends to a corn maze entrance in the late afternoon)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 as they wait on the steadily moving line) You sure you don’t want to do this one with me?  I doubt it’s much trickier than the haunted barn we just went through.

Friend 2: Yes, I’m still trying to figure out how we managed to get turned around in there when it’s only one way – that demonic sorceress and rabid wolf-man were helpful in guiding us to the emergency exit, though.

Friend 1: Hey, it’s not my fault there’s barely any light in those things and the glow-in-the-dark paint only makes it worse.  The screaming teenagers didn’t help my concentration, either.

Friend 2: Yeah, all that stuff’s kind of the point.  So, you go have fun not learning your lesson and getting lost in an even bigger space that’s an actual maze this time – I’m exiting through the gift shop and stocking up on the pumpkins and lawn ornaments I forgot to get this year until literally days before Halloween.

Friend 1: Sucker: these places always get you with their unnecessary tchotchkes that no one can live without.  (Checks watch) Whelp, this place closes in about half an hour so if I don’t come out in 20 minutes, send in the search party, heh-heh.

Friend 2: You’re hilarious.  (Squints at the setting Sun that is deceptively high in the sky) At least it’s still sunny now this time of year, so it shouldn’t be too “scary” in there.

Friend 1: Yeah.  (Briefly removes cap to wipe sweat off brow) Although the 80° F weather right before November is probably the scariest part of this whole outing.

Employee: (Dressed as a killer accountant and taking tickets from customers as they enter the corn maze) Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare…. Thank you, enter if you dare….

Friend 1: (Hands over ticket) Of course I dare, I forked over $5 for the pleasure of getting temporarily lost, didn’t I?

Employee: Well, if you’d like to do the speed run, take the first right and after a few turns in either direction keep the highway on your right to make your way back; if you want total immersion, take the aisle ahead allllllllll the way to the end and then try to make your way back… IF YOU DARE!

Friend 1: I already said – !

Employee: Sorry; I got a limited script to work with here.  Maze is only one square mile so I suggest doing the longer version to get your money’s worth.

Friend 1: Thanks!  (To Friend 2 while walking backward down the long aisle, surrounded by high cornstalks) And you never saw me again…. (Disappears behind leaves and ears)

Employee: (Cups mouth to shout) And don’t eat any of the corn, please!

Friend 2: Seriously, people do that?

Employee: Trust me, people do anything.

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 2 wheels a cart filled with pumpkins and decorations to the corn maze entrance)

Friend 2: (To Employee who is packing up gear) Excuse me, did you happen to see if my friend left a little while ago or is still in there?

Employee: Nope, and everybody’s out.

Friend 2: That can’t be right; this place isn’t that big and no one was at the car for me to dump all this stuff off.

Employee: (Checks counter) Hmmmmm… must have miscounted…. (Looks down at accountant costume) Now that’s ironic.

Friend 2: (Sighs, sets down the cart, takes out a phone, and selects a contact) Unbelievable – would get lost trying to get out of a paper bag.  (Listens to phone ringing on the other end)

Friend 1: (Voice) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: You’re lost in there, aren’t you.

Friend 1: (Voice) …Noooooo….

Friend 2: You went into that thing in broad daylight, and giggling children made it out of there faster.

Friend 1: (Standing in the center of the corn maze with five different openings radiating outward) I seem to have been sucked into The Labyrinth – which path should I choose…?

Friend 2: Oh for crying out loud – (To Employee) Is there a shortcut in this thing?

Employee: Uhhhh.... (Looks warily and the lower Sun) They don’t want us in there after dark.

Friend 2: I’m sure your bosses also don’t want the bad publicity of a lost customer making a scene in the super-easy maze!

Employee: I’m not talking about my bosses; I’m talking about – (Points to the darkening cornfield) Them.

Friend2: You can drop the act, it’s almost closing time.

Employee: Oh no, I am deadly serious.  `Twas the bargain made, for us mortals to use the cornfield for the amusement of the kiddies.  Rule #1: DO NOT EAT THE CORN.

Friend 2: Oh, jeez.

Employee: And Rule #2: DO NOT REMAIN AMONGST THE CORN AFTER SUNSET.

Friend 2: Well, we’re in luck, `cause sunset’s not for another hour thanks to the perennial nuisance Daylight Savings Time being scheduled later than it used to in years past.

Employee: (Thinks on this) Oh, right.  Guess that’s still around, huh.

Friend 2: (Whips out a flashlight) Yes!  So: I’m going in there to get my idiot designated driver out, and it would be most helpful if you led the way so that we all get out of each others’ lives all the faster!

Friend 1: (Voice) I can still hear you, you know.

Friend 2: (Places phone on speaker and straps it to an armband) Sorry for the name-calling, but this really does take the boneheaded cake.

Friend 1: (Voice) Hey!

Friend 2: (As Employee takes out a flashlight, places a barrier across the maze entrance, and they both enter the maze) Not sorry on that one.

(They navigate through the maze, having to turn on the flashlights several minutes in as their surroundings darken)

Employee: (To Friend 2’s phone) Can you hear the highway to your right or your left?

Friend 1: (Voice) Um, right – no, left – wait, I think it’s behind me – now it’s in front – !

Friend 2: Stop moving!

Friend 1: (Voice) Got it.

Employee: (Nervously checks watch) Ooh, only 53 minutes left….

Friend 2: (Through gritted teeth) Would-you-get-a-grip – ?  (A deer suddenly leaps out of nearby cornstalks and dashes across the path in front of them) OH MY GOSH!

Friend 1: (Voice) What?  What’s happening?  Is the maze taking you?!

Friend 2: No, it was just a sudden deer!  Watch out for them now, OK?  It’s their dinnertime.

Employee: I guess they’re allowed to eat the corn –

Friend 2: Oh shut it!

(Friend 1 activates the cell phone’s flashlight, then uses it to peer closer at one of the cornstalks)

Friend 1: Wait a minute… I’ve passed this ear before!

(Friend 2 and Employee round a corner and stop on seeing Friend 1)

Friend 2: Ah, finally.  (Ends the phone call and Friend 1 does the same) Only you – only you –

Friend 1: (Looking around frantically) Ssh: we’ve got bigger problems.

Friend 2: Yes: your lack of direction, for starters.

Friend 1: No, I mean, I’ve been hearing things in here, rustling things, gnawing things –

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s the deer, eating the corn, let’s go!

Friend 1: (Still looking around) No, not deer; something bigger, hungrier…. (Faces the other two ominously and whispers) We’re not alone in here!

Employee: (In a shrieking whisper) I knew it!  It’s THEM!  And they’re – (Checks watch) 48 minutes early!

Friend 2: (Moves to a different spot in order to shine the flashlight at the other two) I never thought I would need to use Parent Mode on full-grown adults, but here it is: I am going to count to three, and you are going to start walking as fast as you can back to the entrance before I get to three, got it?!  (The other two stare) One!  (They run down the path that Friend 2 and Employee originally took) Wow, that really does work.  (Follows them at a slower pace, then after several turns stops when seeing their non-moving backs; in an annoyed tone) Why are we stopped?

Employee: I… think I took a wrong turn – or five.

Friend 2: Un – freaking – believable.  (Listens for several seconds) All right: the highway’s that way – (Gestures with the flashlight in that direction) I’m going through.  (Starts pushing through the cornstalks toward the outer edge of the maze)

Employee: (Gasps in horror) You can’t!  The corn!

Friend 2: Bill me!  (Peeks head back into the maze; to Friend 1) You coming or what?!

Friend 1: Oh, right.  (Follows Friend 2 through the stalks)

Employee: (Hops indecisively from foot-to-foot, then turns toward the sound of loudly rustling cornstalks getting closer, and closer, and closer, and – ) I’m outta here!  (Runs through the cornstalks after the other two and falls out of the maze and onto the surrounding grassy field) Forgive meeeee – !  (Thunk)

Friend 2: Oh good, you made it out alive; let’s go before somebody steals my pumpkins if they haven’t already.  (Walks toward the abandoned cart and the brightly lit parking lot)

Friend 1: (Helps Employee up from the ground) Well, thanks for coming in after me – I no doubt would’ve made it out eventually, so sorry for the trouble.

Employee: (Keeps looking back at the maze) No trouble – part of the job to find wayward souls…. (Once they are past the maze entrance, Employee grabs Friend 1’s arm and hisses) Now: run for your life and never come back!  (Runs to a car and takes off without even clocking out for the day)

Friend 1: (Shrugs, then returns to the car where Friend 2 is waiting with the cart of supplies) Well, that certainly was exciting, wasn’t it?

Friend 2: (As they load up the trunk and then wheel the cart back to where others are parked) Yeah, I’m never going with you to another Halloween event ever again.

Friend 1: Oh, it wasn’t that bad – that employee sure was getting into though, right?

Friend 2: I almost got run over by a deer!  That would have been a very real nightmare: I just know my health insurance would never have covered it!

Friend 1: (Winces as they both get into the car and drive to the exit) Sorry about that – I really didn’t think I’d get that lost in such a family-friendly setting.  And I’m pretty certain there was something other than deer in there with us.

Friend 2: I admit, you might be right about that: there could’ve been monsters of the human kind in there, which is even worse.

Friend 1: (Begins the long wait to make a left-hand turn onto the busy highway) Yeah: that’s the kind of Halloween scare no one wants.

(Ten minutes later, the car screeches onto the highway between unending waves of two-way traffic as several figures watch from the darkness of the corn maze)

Figure 1: Huh: we almost got some this time.

Figure 2: Well, good thing for them they managed to escape before The Night – staying past operating hours is just plain rude.

Story 497: First Day of Summer (for Adults)

 (In Manager’s office)

Manager: (Reviewing a large pile of paper with a red pencil; stops drawing strikethroughs and slowly looks up to stare into the middle distance) This really is all pointless….

Employee: (Startles Manager out of reverie by popping around the open door and giving it a cursory knock) Hey-Boss-you-got-a-minute?

Manager: (Shoves papers aside and gestures to a chair in front of the desk) Of course, have a seat – and you know you don’t need to call me “Boss,” right?

Employee: (Sits quickly) Yeah-yeah, sure-sure – listen, I was wondering if I could have the rest of the day off today, hm?

Manager: Why, are you feeling sick?

Employee: Of this place, yes.

Manager: Don’t… tell me that.

Employee: Sorry, it’s just that – you know what today is?

Manager: Wednesday.

Employee: Deeper than that.

Manager: …Burger Day in the cafeteria?

Employee: No, not – ooh, I should order one next time – no, I mean today’s the day.  (Manager stares blankly) The First Day of Summer.

Manager: Oh.  Right.  Great.  (They stare at each other some more)  So what?

Employee: Sooo, this used to be one of the top days of the year when I was a kid, and now it’s nothing!

Manager: No it isn’t; it’s Burger Day.

Employee: Deliciously flavored cow parts, vegetables, and bread are poor substitutes for the utter bliss that The First Day of Summer formerly entailed, and I would like to spend the rest of it this year reclaiming that joy, please.

Manager: All right, you’ve got my interest: how so?

Employee: You know!  Riding bikes throughout the countryside!  Swimming in all the pools!  Shooting hoops until midnight!  Running down the middle of an empty residential street screaming at the top of our lungs that SCHOOL!  IS!  OUT!!!!

Manager: Wow.  What an obnoxious child you must have been.

Employee: Probably, but who cared back then?!  I didn’t!

Manager: Clearly.  So, what, you want to leave here and make a public nuisance of yourself to celebrate your so-called freedom from a school you no longer have to attend, is that it?

Employee: Pretty much, yeah.

Manager: Whelp, we’ve got nothing urgent scheduled for the rest of the day, so go ahead and knock off three hours of vacation you’ll never get back this fiscal year.

Employee: (Quietly fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you!

Manager: (Briefly checks cell phone) I’m almost tempted to say “Take me with you,” but you realize the downpour that started last night hasn’t stopped for a moment and isn’t predicted to until at least next month, yes?

Employee: (Stands) No matter – the spirit of eternal youth will endure in the face of all obstacles.  Farewell!  (Skips out the door humming the tune of “No more pencils/ No more books”)

Manager: (Stares down at the red pencil and pile of papers) I must be doing something wrong with my life.

(Outside the office building, Employee bursts through the main doors and stops to breathe in the fresh air)

Employee: Aaaaaaahhhhh…. Freedom from time.  (Skips past the overhang and is immediately drenched but never falters)

(At a recreation center, Receptionist looks up from a textbook as Employee, now dressed in a bathing suit and carrying a soaking wet towel, saunters into the lobby)

Employee: Hello there – I would like to utilize the ginormous public pool on this First Day of Summer, please.

Receptionist: Pool’s 50° Fahrenheit right now and it’s continuously overflowing with the pouring rain out there.

Employee: And your point is?

Receptionist: City didn’t want to pay a lifeguard when there’s an outdoor shower going on.

Employee: Very well, then: onward to bigger and better!  (Saunters out)

Receptionist: (Shakes head and returns to homework) Kids these days.

(On a residential street, a car backing down a driveway suddenly slams on the brakes as Employee, still wearing the bathing suit, splashes by on a bicycle)

Employee: Wheeeeeeee!!!!!!

Driver: (Opens the window and leans out to yell) Nuts – ! (Is drenched and sputters) Aw, nuts!

Employee: (Continuing down the street; pops a wheelie) I’m flyin’, I’m flyin’, I’m – (Skids into a puddle) oops.  (Struggles to right the bike) All right, then – no hands!   (Releases the handlebar, balances for two seconds, and nosedives into a hedgerow.  After landing, Employee sits up while spitting out leaves) Totally worth it.

(At an outdoor basketball court, passersby carrying umbrellas briefly slow down to stare at Employee, now wearing a T-shirt and shorts, playing a one-person game of HORSE)

Employee: (Spins around several times and tries for a three-point shot; the ball bounces off the rim) Aaaaand nothing but net!  They could go all the way to the championship this year, folks!  (Retrieves the ball, does some fancy dribbles, and shoots again; the ball sails over the backboard and bounces off the fence) Yes!  They win the pennant for the 50^th season in a row!  (Stands with hands on hips in satisfaction as the rain cascades all around) I could go for some ice cream right about now.

 THE NEXT MORNING

(In Manager’s office)

Manager: (Reading aloud while typing a report) “And so, in conclusion, the point is, at the end of all things” – (Stops typing) Why I am saying the same thing over and over?

Employee: (Bursts into the room with a cursory knock again; Manager jumps slightly in chair) Hey-hey-hey, Boss!  Mind if I come in?

Manager: (Still recovering from the jump-scare) Yeah, sure, have a seat.  (Employee slides into the same chair as on the previous day) I’m surprised with your hours in the rain you don’t have all the colds for the year.

Employee: Heh-heh, that’s a myth – I feel great!

Manager: Great.  So, did you enjoy your summer vacation on the company’s dime?

Employee: (With a serene smile) Well, it was only a third of a day celebrating The First Day of Summer, but yes, yes I did.  Eternal Youth in Eternal Summer lives on for another day.

Manager: Fantastic: we have back-to-back meetings with Corporate for the rest of the week and I don’t think they’re happy with our performance this quarter so it’s very likely there’ll be no raises again this year.

Employee: (Serene smile freezes) …I’ll be on the boardwalk if you need me.