Story 553: Laboring on Labor Day

             “Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh….”

“What are you all stretched out smugly on the couch for?”

“Oh, just reveling in the fact that for the first time in more than 10 years, I get Labor Day off from work.  The actual day, mind you – not some pity day later in the week when fall has unofficially started, no: the actual day.  The last day of lifeguarded pools and beaches is mine, all mine, mwahahahahaha!”

“We already agreed to host Labor Day barbecue at our house this year.”

“…Drat.”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *       

            “You know, it’s a real bummer that no matter what the holiday, some of us still have to clock in like it’s a regular ol’ work day.  I made my peace years ago with losing Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Memorial Day, Juneteenth, Fourth of July, my birthday, my partner’s birthday, my children’s birthdays, and World Chocolate Day, but losing Labor Day on top of all those especially sticks in my craw for some reason.  I think it’s the irony of the whole situation, that even on a day specifically designated to give laborers a break, some of us still have to work regardless, or else life as we know it falls apart.  I don’t think I’ll ever stop being bitter about it.”

“Mm-hmm: will you be closing up the incision on this patient now, Doctor, or would you like me to do it?”

“Nah, I got it.  Livin’ the dream, am-I-right?!”

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I can’t believe I have to spend Labor Day helping people with trying on every piece of clothing we have in the store, and then cleaning up the disgusting messes they leave behind that somehow are more than they brought in with them, plus trying to set up autumn and Halloween displays in-between policing the dressing rooms and the even-filthier restrooms, when I could be relaxing on a deck chair next to an inground pool while barbecue sizzles behind me and impish children roughhouse around me.  It’s just not fair.”

“I thought you weren’t invited to any barbecues this year – that’s why you volunteered to work on Labor Day in the first place?”

“It’s the principle of the thing!”

             *         *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

“I’ve finally made it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I finally have a job that actually gives us Labor Day off.”

“That’s great!  You’ve been wanting that for years, and it’s happened at last!  Congratulations on the paid holiday!”

“Thanks!”

“So, what’re your big plans for your well-deserved three-day weekend, so long overdue?  It’s the last unofficial day of summer – you can do anything you want, absolutely anything!”

“You’re right!  The world is my oyster, and I can seize the entire day until it’s completely dried up!”

“Exactly!  What adventures will you embark on joyously that day, then?”

“…I have no idea.”

Story 543: Trying to Call Out From Work on Father’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, you’re never gonna believe this –

Manager: I bet I won’t.

Employee: –  but I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Father’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: I thought last time you said Mother’s Day was the second biggest sales day?

Manager: Turns out I was mistaken.  I’m big enough to admit I’m wrong when I’m caught.

Employee: Good on you.  Anyways, just letting you know, I’m taking today off.

Manager: No you’re not: you’re scheduled on alternating hours covering the front register and customer service desk to handle all the last-minute panicking guilt-ridden adult children.

Employee: I thought you might say that, so I counter that offer with my willingness to work on Labor Day instead, even though its very existence implies that I shouldn’t have to by law.

Manager: It’s not an offer; it’s the non-negotiable schedule that’s been up for weeks – don’t tell me you forgot to request off super-early again like you did for Mother’s Day?

Employee: …OK, I won’t tell you.

Manager: You’re a real piece of work.  And no one else can switch with you for today, is that it?

Employee: Would you believe me if I told you I forgot to ask anyone until this morning?

Manager: Yes.

Employee: Well, there’s your answer.

Manager: Then I’m not too sorry to say there’ll be no last-minute saves with shift-switching today like we were able to pull off last time, so you’re stuck working most of the afternoon and all night.  I pity your dad, you know: there’s no way you’re calling out today unless you send over a doctor’s note that you’re violently ill within the next 20 minutes.

Employee: A doctor’s note, eh?  <COUGH-COUGH>

Manager: And don’t think I won’t be able to tell if it’s something you just whipped up on your home computer.

Employee: Oh.  I retract those coughs, then.

Manager: So you’re still coming in today, yes?

Employee: (Sighs) Unfortunately, although it pains my very soul to do so, yes I’m still coming in today.  I just will have to tearfully explain to my beloved father that his beloved child has been forced by a cruel manager and the unfeeling forces of capitalism to spend precious hours serving idle consumerists instead of showing my appreciation of him being the World’s #1 Dad, that’s all.

Manager: Wonderful.  I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but if it’s any consolation he can commiserate with my father on what awful children they have.

Employee: How so?

Manager: I lost track of the Sundays in June and wound up scheduling myself today, too.

Story 538: Trying to Call Out From Work on Mother’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Mother’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: So I’ve been told.

Manager: You’ve also been told that I already gave the day off to the mothers among us, and the rest of you either needed to have requested off three months ago and hope for the best or take another day off to make up for it if you wanted.

Employee: I do recall that.  However, I should make you aware at long last that I, too, am a mother.

Manager: Since when?!

Employee: It has been my private shame these past five years: the Baron refuses to acknowledge not only me, the one true love of his life, but also his 12 illegitimate children, whose presence, if revealed, would divide his estate into so many portions that even his so-called legal heirs would barely get a dime, and the horrendous scandal would tear his country apart.  The least I could get out of this stressful ordeal is one day with my offspring serving me breakfast in bed, don’t you think?

Manager: You’ve had 12 children in five years?

Employee: …There were a few sets of triplets in there.

Manager: You’re still working today.

Employee: OK-OK-fine; if that tragic tale doesn’t move your cold heart to tears, then I must tell you directly: I rescued a gaggle of orphaned goslings last night, and they imprinted on me.

Manager: Really.

Employee: I am now the matriarch of an interspecies family – how can you ask me to walk away from that enormous responsibility on today of all days?!

Manager: Well, I’m not asking.

Employee: Glad we agree.

Manager: I’m telling you directly: if you don’t come into work today, you’ll have all the time you like to mother your feathered children because you won’t be spending it here.

Employee: (Sighs) You leave me no choice, then.

Manager: Here it comes.

Employee: I swore never to reveal this to a single modern soul, but you have pushed me to the brink: my true name is… Eve.

Manager: OK…?

Employee: As in, the Mother of All Humanity.

Manager: Oh, for crying out –

Employee: Peace, my child: I have long since forgiven you and your brethren’s slanderous lies that I am solely responsible for getting us kicked out of Paradise – I seem to recall your Father going along with the fun until we got caught, which is retroactively typical.

Manager: Whatever: you still have an eight-hour shift coming up in 20 minutes.

Employee: All right!  The truth is, I’d promised my mom that I’d request off Mother’s Day this year but then I lost track of time and when I finally remembered it was a week away and I ran out of people who could switch days with me and now she’s gonna give me the disappointed look for the rest of my life!

Manager: Now why didn’t you just lead with that?  I still can’t switch days for you but I know at least one person doesn’t want to work tonight anymore, so if you take their closing shift and they work your mid-shift then you’ll at least get to do brunch or something with your mom today.

Employee: Yes!  That’d be perfect – you’re a lifesaver, thank you!

Manager: You’re welcome.  I gotta make a few phone calls now to set this up, so I’ll see you at 5, OK?

Employee: That’d be swell!  You’re a great “mom” to all of us here, you know that?

Manager: Certainly feels like it.

Story 518: Post-Thanksgiving Lethargy

 EARLY THANKSGIVING WEEK

             Friend 2: (Answers a cell phone while working at an office desk) Hi, what’s up?

Friend 1: (On a cell phone in a department store break room) So, you’ll never guess what happened to me today!

Friend 2: You’re right, I won’t, so just tell me.

Friend 1: Well, it turns out for once in this… lovely store, too many people got scheduled to work on Black Friday so my manager asked me first if I wanted the day off since I’ve worked it for decades, so I jumped on that and now I don’t have to work that day!

Friend 2: Wow, that’s great, good for you.

Friend 1: I know, right?  I can scarcely believe it – the entire day after Thanksgiving, all to myself!  I don’t even know where to begin!

Friend 2: If you like, you can join my group this year as we go shopping for all the sales.

Friend 1: Heck no: you all get up at 3:00 in the morning after a holiday, and I’d also rather not spend my free time in the same type of place I already spend 40+ hours a week in, only now it would be 100 times worse with the holiday rush.  I’d actually rather still be working that day; at least then I’d be paid for the aggravation.

Friend 2: Figured I’d offer.  So, any idea what you’d like to do that day instead?

Friend 1: I don’t know; relax, for starters.

Friend 2: Definitely.

Friend 1: Maybe clean up the place a bit.

Friend 2: You?!

Friend 1: Cute.  Maybe go for a walk if it’s not too cold out.  Maybe go to the mountains, maybe the beach.  The possibilities are endless!

Friend 2: Well, whatever you wind up doing that day, have fun, and have a Happy Thanksgiving – I have to go back to work now.

Friend 1: Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!  (Ends the call and clutches the cell phone in glee) This is gonna be great!

 DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING

 9:00 A.M.

(Friend 1 wakes up smiling, turns to an alarm clock that is not alarmed, and rolls back with eyes closed)

Friend 1: Just a few more minutes… not like I’m going anywhere….

10:00 A.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats breakfast in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-breakfast nap to aid the digestion….

12:00 NOON

Friend 1: …Maybe another five minutes….

2:00 P.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats lunch in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-lunch nap to aid the digestion... then I’ll start the day for sure….

5:00 P.M.

(Friend 1’s phone rings)

Friend 1: (Gropes around the bedside table in the darkening room to answer the phone) Mmmm-what’s up?

Friend 2: (On the phone while standing on a never-ending line in a department store) Did you get out of bed at all today?

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Of course I did.

Friend 2: Besides eating.

Friend 1: …Definite “out”.

Friend 2: Unbelievable – I swam upstream through several seas of humanity to finish my gift shopping for the next two years, and you’re lounging about doing absolutely nothing but sleep!

Friend 1: I’ll have you know, sleep is very important to one’s health and should not be neglected, and I needed extra of it to recover from yesterday.

Friend 2: Recover from what?!  Eating too much?!

Friend 1: And drying several dishes, along with one or two utensils, I might add.

Friend 2: Lazy!  You are a lazy, lazy lump!

Friend 1: I resent that!  This is the first Black Friday I’ve had off in over 20 years, and I’ll spend it however I darn well please!  Even if it’s spent in minimal-to-nil activity.

Friend 2: You’re right, I’m sorry – I shouldn’t be so judgmental, you work hard and you deserve to enjoy your day off however you like.

Friend 1: Thank you, I appreciate that.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Well, the group’s almost finished with our last store and then heading out to dinner, so maybe we’ll do lunch or something next weekend, OK?

Friend 1: (Leans forward) Ooh, since you’re still out shopping could you pick me up some wrapping paper and bows and gift bags and tags and ribbons and tape?... Hello?... (Holds out the phone and sees on the display that the call had ended; sets the phone onto the table and lies back on the bed) Maybe another five minutes….

Story 485: When Meet-Cute Fails

(In a café, Protagonist 1 and Protagonist 2 sit at a table having hot cocoa)

Protagonist 1: (Smacks lips after an especially satisfying slurp) You know something?  I wanna have a meet-cute.

Protagonist 2: (Pauses before drinking) That came out of nowhere – what brought this on?

Protagonist 1: Well, my life is boring for one thing.  I go to work, do the same thing for more than a third of the day, deal with the same people and the same garbage, squeeze in errands, come home, eat the same bad dinner, watch the same meaningless shows, go to sleep way too late, repeat.  And weekends are extended nights.  And sometimes I meet up with you like this, but even that’s routine.  It’s boring!

Protagonist 2: Gee, thanks.  So what’s the other thing?

Protagonist 1: What?  Oh, no, that pretty much covers it.  (Slurps again)

Protagonist 2: And you think meeting some stranger’ll liven up your life, is that it?

Protagonist 1: Not just “some stranger”: THE ONE.

Protagonist 2: Yeech.

Protagonist 1: And I want it to be a meet-cute, so that way I’ll know it’s for real, and it’ll be so exciting and special, and my life’ll finally starting being awesome!

Protagonist 2: I repeat: yeech.  Maybe it’s fun to watch in movies and TV, but that’s all scripted – things never actually happen that way in real life.

Protagonist 1: Well, I’m just going to have to make it happen then, won’t I?  Starting with…. (Looks around the café until settling at the counter) that barista.

Protagonist 2: (As Protagonist 1 stands) Oh no, leave that poor person alone, don’t you remember when we worked in retail?  No one there really wants to talk to the customers!

Protagonist 1: Nonsense!  Some of them thrive on the interaction, and this one looks lonely.  (Walks to the counter)

Protagonist 2: (Mutters into the cocoa cup) Looks disgusted with life to me.

Protagonist 1: (To Barista, who is wiping down the counter) Hi there!

Barista: (Pauses in wiping and stares at Protagonist 1 with blank eyes) How can I help you?

Protagonist 1: (Leans on the counter in an attempt to be flirty; Barista stares at the spot being leaned on, which had been cleaned two seconds earlier) I just wanted to say, you made an absolutely delicious cup of cocoa.  You’re really good at the culinary arts, you know that?

Barista: (Returns to wiping, more vigorously than before) Thanks, but I didn’t make your drink; I was ringing up orders for the past hour while the others made the drinks, warmed up the sandwiches, baked the cookies, heated the soup –

Protagonist 1: (Stands up straight again) Oh, got it.

Barista: (Wipes harder, speaking to the counter) – sliced the bagels, toasted the bagels, buttered the bagels, refilled the milk, restocked the coffee, received the deliveries, cleaned the machines, mopped the floor –

Protagonist 1: (Having returned to the table and sat down across from Protagonist 2 again) Well, that was a bust.

Barista: (Going into the kitchen) – day in, day out –

Protagonist 2: Told you.  You can’t really form a sincere connection with someone in customer service while they’re working; they’re already at a disadvantage since they’re being paid to fulfill your every whim anyway.

Protagonist 1: Don’t make it gross.  It’s fine, I’ll think of something.

Protagonist 2: Whatever – have fun while I sit this out.

 THE NEXT DAY

(On a highway, Protagonist 1 drives to work)

Protagonist 1: (Singing the wrong lyrics while the radio plays) <And I, I don’t want to keep doooooing this, anymooooooore!!!!  Why – >  WHOA!  (Slams on the brakes when the car in front stops short, and is rear-ended by the car in back) Aw, nuts!  (Turns back sharply and sees a subjectively attractive driver in the other car, then signals to pull over) Ooh-ooh, this may be it!  (Pulls onto the shoulder, then tries to subtly fix hair in the rearview mirror and check breath as the other driver also pulls over, exits the car, and walks to Protagonist 1’s door) Stay calm, be cool, let the Meet-Cute commence!  “So sorry, that was entirely my fault” – “Oh no really, it was my fault, let me take you out to dinner to make up for it” – (Lowers window as Driver arrives) Hi there, so –

Driver: What’s the big idea, slamming on your brakes like that?!  I’m gonna sue you for negligent driving and attempted vehicular homicide; you better have insurance but I bet someone like you doesn’t, you irresponsible, stupid –

Protagonist 1: You obviously were tailgating me and that car over there is a witness.  (Driver turns to see a third car had pulled up next to them; the occupants wave at the other two, and Protagonist 1 waves back)

Driver: (Turns back to Protagonist 1) I –

Protagonist 1: (Takes out a phone) I suggest you get back in your car and wait for the police to arrive – I doubt there’s any real damage to either of our cars; my insurance at least will cover it; and then we’ll be on our way.

Driver: You –

Protagonist 1: And the helpful witnesses here are blocking you in, so don’t even think about leaving if, for some reason, you don’t have insurance.

Driver: (Face twitches a bit) I’m going back to the car.  (Returns to the car and collapses on the steering wheel to weep)

Protagonist 1: (Waiting while the phone rings) Well that was certainly a Meet-Ugly.  (Gives a thumbs-up to the other car’s occupants, who thumbs-up back)

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a bank, Protagonist 1 waits on the long line for the one teller available)

Protagonist 1: (Softly whispers) So bored, so bored, so bored –

(Suddenly, three people burst into the bank with faces covered in soft stockings and small weapons aloft)

Bank Robber 1: All right everyone, down on the ground, this is a robbery!  (Almost everyone else holds up their phones to film this) For the love of – (To Bank Robber 2) Take the phones first, then the wallets!  The rest of you, down!

Customer 1: (As everyone else lowers to the ground) Aw come on, you’re just supposed to take our money from the vault, not our money from our selves!

Bank Robber 1: You’ll get it back from The Man; meantime, gimme!  (Two of them start taking valuables from the customers and Bank Robber 3 gestures for an employee to open the vault)

Protagonist 1: (Smoothes hair back, then stands abruptly) I volunteer as hostage and sacrifice myself to save all these innocent people!

(Everyone freezes in confusion)

Bank Robber 1: What?  No; who said anything about hostages?

Bank Robber 2: Yeah, we’re in-and-out!  None of that taking-someone-home mess!

Protagonist 1: The police’ll be here any minute since that officer – (Points to one of the bank officers lying next to a desk) hit the panic button right as you all came in, so you need me if you want to get out of here in one piece!

Bank Officer: (Hisses at Protagonist 1) Hey!  Leave me out of this!

Bank Robber 1: (As the three resume the robbery) Cops aren’t going to get here for another… (Checks watch) seven minutes; we’ll be long gone by then; get back down on the ground and stop volunteering for danger, you nutter!

Protagonist 1: But who’s going to save you from your life of crime, and also teach you the true meaning of love?

Bank Robber 1: Huh?

Bank Robber 2: Yeah, we like our life of crime.

Protagonist 1: But wouldn’t it be more fulfilling if the stakes were higher?  You all torn between having to threaten and yet protect a helpless victim, and we’re strangers at first but then circumstances force us to learn more about each other’s pasts, and we bond despite our initial distrust and grow to care about one another, and then one day two or more of us suddenly realize that bond has deepened into something much more –

Bank Robber 1: Un – freaking – believable.

Bank Robber 2: Yeah – I think I saw that movie last week.

Bank Robber 3: (Running from the vault) Time’s up, we gotta go!

Bank Robber 1: Arrrrggghhhh!!!  (Points to Protagonist 1) YOU!  Just cost us half the cash literally lying around here!  (As the three back toward the exit) Can the rest of you we didn’t get to just toss your wallets over here, please?!

Customers and Employees: NO!

Bank Robber 1: Fair enough.  (The three run out the door and then exit the vestibule to the outside, where several police cars await them)

Lead Officer: Weapons and bags down, on the ground, hands over your faces!

Bank Robber 1: Drat.

(Inside the bank, the customers and employees gather around Protagonist 1)

Customer 2: (Patting Protagonist 1 on the back) Great job, that was a brilliant stalling tactic!

Protagonist 1: …Yes, my plan went exactly as intended.

 THE NEXT DAY

(In a diner, Protagonist 1 and Protagonist 2 are having dinner)

Protagonist 2: Wow.  Sounds like your life’s gotten a lot more exciting lately; now I’m sorry I missed it.

Protagonist 1: I guess, but not really: everything reset back to zero afterwards, my life is still the same as it’s always been, and my meet-cutes have been absolute fails no matter how hard I try.

Protagonist 2: Yeah, that’s too bad.  (Takes a bite of the entrée and burns tongue) Ow.  You know, we had a meet-cute.

Protagonist 1: (Pauses mid-bite) What?

Protagonist 2: Back when we worked in the supermarket.  It was my first day, I had no idea what I was doing since orientation was only a five-minute video, and you came to my rescue with the cash register.  I never forgot it.

Protagonist 1: (Laughs self-consciously) Oh, that.  Well, you looked like you were struggling, and I felt bad for the new kid.  Turns out you also were fun to be around.

Protagonist 2: And we’ve been hanging out ever since.

Protagonist 1: Yeah....

Protagonist 2: Guess it got boring.

Protagonist 1: (Winces) Did I say “boring”?

Protagonist 2: A few times, yeah.

Protagonist 1: (Thinks for a bit) Does a meet-cute still count if one party takes a few years to realize that’s what it was?

Protagonist 2: I’m a big believer in “better late then never.”

Protagonist 1: Good, because apparently I take a while to figure things out.

Story 483: Walking Into a Changed Store

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stroll along the sidewalk of a strip mall)

Friend 1: You in the mood for pizza today, or sushi?

Friend 2: You know, I’m actually in the mood for Tex-Mex.

Friend 1: …So one of us isn’t going to be happy at lunch.  (Gasps loudly and stops walking, staring at a storefront slightly ahead of the pair)

Friend 2: What, you suddenly remember you’re allergic to cilantro or something?

Friend 1: No, I’ve moved on from The Lunch Dilemma; would you look at that?!  (Points to the storefront)

Friend 2: (Peers at the sign) Oh, yeah, guess it’s still in business; I thought it closed decades ago.

Friend 1: Which means it’s been that long since I last went there and now we must go inside!  (Makes a beeline for the entrance)

Friend 2: (Places a restraining hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Whoa, wait a minute, I thought we were going to eat now?  We’ve reached my five-department-store limit and I’m done with shopping for the rest of the year.

Friend 1: (Sputters) This – this – isn’t – shopping!  Don’t you remember coming here at all when we were kids?!  This is an experience!

Friend 2: (Squints while trying to remember, then shakes head in the negative) Nah, all I remember is waiting around for hours while everyone else wandered off doing whatever.

Friend 1: Ah!  You poor, deprived child.  (Guides Friend 2 to the entrance) This store has literally everything; you can spend days – nay, weeks – soaking up the wonders and not have to spend a single cent.

Friend 2: If you say so.

Friend 1: I do – the video arcade alone was a dream.  And you could actually live for real in the housewares section: don’t you remember the camping party we did here?

Friend 2: Whaaaaaat?

Friend 1: Maybe that was just me.  Anyway, you’ll see how great it all is, exactly the way I – (They enter the store and are faced with rows and rows of identical shelves; vaulted, empty walls and ceilings; and an employee vacuuming the one piece of carpet at the entrance) remember.

Friend 2: (Takes in the shoppers sprinkled throughout the store, listlessly browsing the aisles) Yep: looks like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.

Friend 1: Hm.  (Backs out of the front door to look at the storefront again, then re-enters) Definitely the same name.

Friend 2: I think you either inflated this place enormously in your mind, or it’s gone the downsize-to-survive route – like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.

Friend 1: Nonsense.  (Addresses the vacuuming employee, who turns off the machine) Excuse me, where’s the arcade?

Employee: Sorry?

Friend 1: The live-in house?  The live-in restaurant?  The water park?

Employee: I… think those were all before my time here.  (Hands Friend 1 a pamphlet) Would you be interested in signing up for our credit card?  You get an extra 15% off all purchases here for life.

Friend 1: (Stares at the pamphlet in disgust, then hands it back gently) No thank you, child.  (Abruptly walks down a center aisle with Friend 2 trotting to catch up)

Employee: (In a small voice) But I’m in college….

Friend 1: (Picking up random items from the shelves and then restrainedly slamming them back down angrily while muttering) Knickknacks – (Slam) Gewgaws – (Slam) Doodads – (Slam) Tchotchkes – (Slam) Pencils?!

Friend 2: Seems like some useful stuff – (Spots an item on a bottom shelf) ooh, I do need a new sink strainer –

Friend 1: Don’t you dare!  (Friend 2 freezes while picking up the item) I will not feed into this shapeshifting place’s nefarious plot to destroy the wonder that was this magical haven!

Friend 2: Destroy your childhood, you mean.

Friend 1: What?  (Laughs awkwardly and mirthlessly) Nooooo….

Friend 2: You’re just upset that some fixture of your youth that had seemed permanent and where you’d had a good time has completely changed with the years and you can never go back to the way it used to be.  It sounds like it had way too much stuff and was losing money, so it had to adapt or liquidate.

Friend 1: But to adapt to – to – (Grabs an item off the shelf) keychains?!  The indignity of it all!

Friend 2: Hey, people always need keychains.

Friend 1: I don’t!  (Slams it back on the shelf)

Manager: (Approaches in a calming manner) Hello, do you need help with anything here today?

Friend 1: Why yes, thank you: I would like to know when and why everyone here chose to betray their fantabulous origins and become a sellout?!

Friend 2: (Turns away to mutter) Oy.

Manager: Ah, you’re one of those nostalgia kids who used to tear through the place like a tornado with your antics 20 years ago and haven’t been here a day since then, eh?

Friend 1: (Mouth drops open, then closes with clenched teeth) Twenty-five years.

Manager: Yeah, I’m a lifer: corporate restructured, and business has been booming ever since.  I’m just happy I only have to babysit the shoplifters now instead of the actual babies.  (Points to a nearby shopper who is trying to stealthily pocket a candy bar) DOWN!  (The bar is dropped in terror and the almost-perpetrator flees)  Definitely a relief.

Friend 1: Well, I must say, the complete erasure of Toddler Toyland and Accordion Emporium and Go-Kart A-Go-Go –

Manager: Don’t forget Food World Around the World; how I hated that mess.

Friend 1: – greatly detracts from the magnificent Company That Once Was, and Will Never Be Again.

Manager: Whatever you say: we’re making more money now than we ever did back when we had all that chaos, with a tenth of the overhead expense.

Friend 1: (Biting lips to keep from boiling over) So: I have said my piece, and on that note – (Grabs an item from a shelf) I will be purchasing this correction tape dispenser that I can’t find anywhere else and be on my way, never to return.

Manager: Fine by us – have a nice day!  (Walks to the breakroom that can actually be used now)

Friend 2: (As the two wait on the swiftly moving cash register line; nods at the soon-to-be purchase) Not a total loss, then.

Friend 1: Easy for you to say: your world hasn’t been entirely upheaved.

Friend 2: Oh please, it’s only a store.

Friend 1: I know it’s only a store, it’s just – (Stares sharply at the empty space next to the end of the cash register counter) just –

Friend 2: What, you still miss the ambience and joy it brought your lost youth?

Friend 1: (Still staring at the empty space) No, it’s just that – there used to be an actual castle door right there, and the massive void left behind is freaking me out.