Story 622: Valentine’s Day “Gift”

            (In a living room, Spouse 1 is sitting in an armchair reading a book when Spouse 2 enters)

Spouse 2: Hey – do we have plans for Valentine’s Day yet?

Spouse 1: (Lowers the book to stare at Spouse 2) Well, yes: since it’s on a Saturday this year but you still wanted to go out to dinner with every other couple in the world that night, I made a restaurant reservation six months ago.  (Raises the book to start reading again)

Spouse 2: That’s great, thanks, BUT I have another idea for our gift to each other this year.

Spouse 1: (Lowers the book again) Oh?

Spouse 2: Yeah: I’ve been thinking –

Spouse 1: Mm-hm?

Spouse 2: – and you know how my music career’s kind of stalled lately, and the songs just aren’t coming to me and the muse has been failing to show up and all that, so I think the best thing for both of us this year is that we break up.

Spouse 1: (Inflectionless) …What.

Spouse 2: Preferably on Valentine’s Day, for maximum impact.

Spouse 1: (Still inflectionless) …What.

Spouse 2: Yeah, I really think this is the only path for my music right now: everyone knows that the best songs are about how you’re so in love with someone but they have no idea, or they’re already with someone else, or they did you wrong, or it was all perfect and they still broke your heart because they were bored or something, or they went off with your best friend which is basically a double betrayal, or you can’t stand each other anymore but you’re both stuck where you are out of habit, or you’re eternally devoted but the other person just can’t stick around because they’re free like the wind or off like a bird or whatever, and bottom line is, those are the songs that everyone sings along with and cries their hearts out to and plays at weddings and pays lots and lots of money for and are remembered centuries after the songwriters are gone, so the only way I’m going to be able write any of that stuff is if I myself am suffering from the pangs of unjust heartbreak or heartbreak that really is my own fault and can only find solace by pouring out my soul and emotional pain through strings, percussion, woodwinds, brass, and vocal cords.

Spouse 1: ....

Spouse 2: So, in case I wasn’t completely clear back there, it’s best if you break up with me in this scenario.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: Doing that on Valentine’s Day would be ideal, but you can wait until my birthday if you need more time to prepare the script – I’ll use some of it for the lyrics.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: Ooh, completely forgot to mention that you’ll get half the royalties in perpetuity – you being the new muse for this award-winning anguish album and all.  And that’ll be my gift to you this year.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: Want to practice some inspiration on me now, something like “I finally remembered that I never loved you!” or “I like awake every night wondering ‘Why?’” or “The grass is certainly looking a lot greener with every passing day,” or “You never help set the table!”?  I’m really trying to work on that last one, though, so maybe ignore it for now.  We can workshop all this later, if you want.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: ….

Spouse 1: I made the reservation for 6:30 so we can be home by 9.  (Raises the book to start reading again)

Spouse 2: Aw, hon, you’re the best!

Story 621: When a Real Snowstorm Comes Along

 DAY -2 

(In a chaotic supermarket, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate their shopping carts through the free-for-all in the aisles)

 Friend 1: Did we really need to come here on a Friday night when literally everyone else is here?

Friend 2: (Focused on the refrigerated cases) Huh?  What are you going on about now?

Friend 1: (Gestures to the panicked crowds) I mean, what are we all doing here?  We live in the Northeastern U.S. – we have had snow before, it’s nothing new.

Friend 2: (Grabbing a gallon of milk and dropping it into the cart) Yeah, but not this bad in at least the past 10 years.  This is the first time I could get to the store this week, and who knows how soon the roads’ll be cleared up before we can get here again?  Better to be safe than sorry.

Friend 1: (As they squeeze through the aisle again) Sure, but what do we really need that we don’t already get enough of on our regular supermarket runs each week?

Friend 2: I just said – fine: milk.

Friend 1: I don’t drink it.

Friend 2: (Reaching onto a shelf and grabbing a carton to hold up) Eggs?

Friend 1: Don’t eat them.

Friend 2: (Drops the carton into the cart) Bread?

Friend 1: Got enough for a year.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1’s empty cart) Then what are you doing here?

Friend 1: Had no plans tonight.

Friend 2: (Moves on) If you’re not getting anything for yourself, ditch the cart up front and help me with the rest – otherwise, run for it!

Friend 1: (Stares at the cart, then tosses in a bottle of juice and weaves through the crowd casually) Nothing to see, just trying to fit in…. 

DAY -1 

(At night, Friend 1 is sitting in front of a living room window and looking through binoculars up at the heavens when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Answers by turning on the speaker phone and returns to looking up) Larder still stocked?

Friend 2: (Wrapping water pipes with newspapers) Always.  You have your heat turned up to at least 65°F, the cabinet doors open in front of the pipes, and water dripping from the faucets?

Friend 1: (Without looking away from the atmosphere) Whyyyyyy… would I do something so wasteful?

Friend 2: To keep the pipes from freezing and bursting!

Friend 1: Pff.  Urban legend.

Friend 2: Urban fact!  It’s gonna get as low as 3° overnight!  THREE!  DEGREES!

Friend 1: Sounds like a scam.

Friend 2: For the love of – you live in a condo, think of your neighbors!

Friend 1: Why?  I doubt they give me a second thought, let alone a first.

Friend 2: They’ll give you more than that when they sue you for flooding their units with all the water from your broken pipes!

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers the binoculars) I’ll call you right back. 

30 MINUTES LATER 

Friend 2: (Answers the phone while curled up in a blanket on the couch) Well?

Friend 1: (Back to looking through binoculars up at the night sky) Well, our association e-mailed us the same suggestions you just mentioned, so I’m all done with setting that stuff up, Mom.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Now if your pipes still burst after all that, you know you did everything you could to prevent it.

Friend 1: (Nods while observing) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: What are you up to, anyway?  You’ve had me on speaker both times.

Friend 1: I’m on storm watch.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: If this storm’s supposed to be as epic as everyone claims, I want to see the very first flake of doom as it descends from the heavens.

Friend 2: Not supposed to start until 4 a.m.

Friend 1: (Lowers the binoculars again) I’m going to bed – good night.

Friend 2: Stay warm! 

DAY 1 

(Friend 1 sits up suddenly in bed, flailing in the sheets and blankets)

Friend 1: Oh no, the snow’s everywhere, I’m suffocating!  (Sees the sheets and blankets and stops) Oh.  Just a dream.  Never mind.  (Gets out of bed, walks to the window, and opens the blinds – everything outside is covered in white, and heavy snow continues to fall steadily) Oops.  Whelp, that’s what we pay snow removal fees for – they can wake me when it’s time to move my car.  (Closes the blinds, skips back to bed, dives under the sheets and blankets, and immediately falls back asleep) 

DAY 2 

(Friend 1 is cocooned in quilts on the couch and watching a movie when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Pauses the movie and answers the phone) Hey, how’s hibernation going?

Friend 2: (Working on a laptop at a kitchen table) Not so great – I no sooner shovel out the driveway then I get plowed back in again; unavoidable, but still tiresomely tedious.  I wonder if this is how Sisyphus felt pushing that same rock up that same hill over and over?

Friend 1: (Sipping hot chocolate) Wouldn’t know – I try to avoid that feeling whenever possible.  Wanna borrow my backhoe?

Friend 2: What – where – how on Earth do you even store that?

Friend 1: I know a guy.  (Slurps the drink)

Friend 2: Well, thanks, but I think by now I should be cleared out for good on this storm, since the freezing snow’s finally stopped.

Friend 1: Oh, so you’re working from home today?

Friend 2: Yeah, we got the go-ahead for that since the roads aren’t too clear yet.  What about you?

Friend 1: Heh, we in retail are afforded no such luxury.

Friend 2: So, did the store close again today, then?

Friend 1: HA!

Friend 2: I know, silly question.

Friend 1: No, I left a detailed message on my manager’s cell phone saying how impossible it is for anyone to safely get anywhere today, so if even the customers can’t get there, why should I, and all that standard boilerplate; I also threw in that another storm is threatening on the horizon, so for everyone’s stake I should stay in my hole where I can’t damage anything.  (Sees an alert) Perfect timing – I got a response just now.

Friend 2: What’s it say?

Friend 1: (Reads the message out loud) “If I have to be here, you have to be here.  And your shift starts at 5 when the roads will be clearer so I don’t want to hear it.” …. I wonder if I can pretend I didn’t receive this?

Friend 2: Nope.  Careful driving tonight!

Friend 1: Elitist! 

DAY 7 

(Friend 2 stares at the heavily sideways-falling snow out the living room window, then calls Friend 1)

Friend 1: (Collapsed on the couch, still wearing a winter coat, hat, scarf, gloves, and boots; uses a pinky to answer the phone on speaker and wheezes out) Yes?!

Friend 2: Hey, just checking how you’re holding up with Blizzard #3?

Friend 1: I have cleared off and shoveled out my car no fewer than 200 times this week, and driven through icy snow for more miles than are physically located between home and work, nearly wiping out at least twice every trip and taking the entire highway with me each time – ask no more of me.

Friend 2: (Winces) Ouch.  We go from middling snow for over a decade to back-to-back-to-back blizzards in the space of a week – I think they fed off each other.

Friend 1: (Sliding farther down the couch) They certainly fed off me….

Friend 2: Sorry you still have to drive into work during all this – I haven’t been in the office since before the first storm.

Friend 1: I’m sincerely happy for you.  I’m shocked though that my job actually did close again today due to the roads.

Friend 2: Oh, good!

Friend 1: After I’d already broken off the reconstituted glacier that was covering my car.

Friend 2: Oh, nuts.

Friend 1: (Removes the scarf and drops it onto the floor) Remember when we used to love playing in the snow, even if we had to help shovel the driveway first?

Friend 2: Of course; good times.

Friend 1: (Uses a foot to draw the living room window’s blinds closed) Now, I just hope the power stays on, the pipes don’t freeze, and spring starts tomorrow.

Friend 2: Don’t be greedy.

Story 620: Awkward Film Premiere

             (On a living room couch, Fan is stretched out petting a tiny sleeping cat curled up next a leg while talking on the phone)

Fan: Sure, I think he was a great child actor, and he’s gotten even better as he’s gotten older, but I also just can’t bring myself to see his new movie.

Friend: (Also on a living room couch, stretched out petting a giant sleeping dog lying across the entire body while talking on the phone) Why not?  You’ve see practically all his other stuff, and I hear this one’s getting rave reviews so far and it hasn’t even officially been released yet.

Fan: Oh, yeah, I bet it’s great, it’ll probably sweep all the awards and go down in film history as one of the all-time classics, but there’s one sticking point that I just can’t get past.

Friend: And that is?

Fan: It was gleefully blasted online about a year ago that he’s got at least three, shall we say, adult scenes in this, and from what I’ve heard, they’re very adult.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, we’ve gone beyond an R rating and are now in NC-17 territory.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, full frontal and everything that goes with it.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: You’re not realizing the problem with this?

Friend: Well, we’re all supposedly mature grown-ups here, and I know you’ve seen movies with that kind of material before, so what’s the issue?

Fan: The issue is, I’ve seen him on-screen since he was 7 years old!

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: I was 21 when his first film came out!  Even saying that out loud feels like a crime!

Friend: Oh relax, he’s a grown man now; if he wants to expose himself to the entire world, I say, more power to him.

Fan: And that’s fine, it just doesn’t feel right for me to be in the audience when he does it!

Friend: Whatever: I’ve seen him in the same movies you have and have no problem with it, so I’m going opening weekend and will let you know all about the fantastic cinematic experience you’re missing.

Fan: Great: have a wonderful time, pervert.

Friend: Weirdo.

(They both end the call simultaneously)

Fan: (Is tapped on the face by the now-awake cat) Oh, sorry there, bud – got distracted by a decency dilemma.  (Rubs the cats’ ears and checks e-mails on the phone as the latter falls asleep again; leans forward when reading one particular message)

E-mail Message: “CONGRATULATIONS!  You have been selected in the recent drawing to see ------ ---------’s new film, Torrid Torments!  Prize includes an all-expenses-paid trip to the New York premiere; front row seat to the film; and a pre-premiere meet-and-greet with ------ --------- himself!”

Fan: (In quiet horror) Ohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooo…. Wait a minute, I shouldn’t stress over what’s clearly a scam.  (Takes an hour to verify the message’s authenticity) Nope: I entered this drawing, all right.  Why on Earth would I do that?!  (Calls Friend and relays the message)

Friend: (Petting the giant dog now draped across the chest) What do you mean, you’re not going?!  All expenses paid, you fool!

Fan: I know, that’s probably why I entered in the first place without paying attention to the movie title, but were you not listening to what we were just talking about earlier?!

Friend: I was, and if it were me I still wouldn’t care!  Airfare – hotel – meals – front-row seat – MEET-AND-GREET!  I wouldn’t care if this was for the worst film of all time – if you turn this down, I will never forgive you for depriving me of the opportunity to live it vicariously!

Fan: (Sighs while absentmindedly rubbing the swooning cat’s belly) Well, I guess when you put it that way –

Friend: Yes!  When you get there, can you ask ------ what it was like being naked in front of 50 crew members?

Fan: Ewwwwwww!!!!

Friend: Kidding, I’m kidding!  Seriously, though: could you promise not to tell anyone else and then ask if he gets a secret thrill from this kind of attention?... Hello? 

SEVERAL MONTHS LATER 

(In the film premiere venue, Fan is dressed up in business casual and seated at a table waiting in a small meeting room with a studio representative)

Studio Representative: (After checking a phone) OK, just got the word that ------’ll be here in about a minute – nervous?

Fan: (Slowly tearing a napkin to shreds) Not quite the word for it, but yeah.

(Celebrity and entourage suddenly enter the room; Fan and Studio Representative stand)

Celebrity: (Approaches Fan, smiling broadly and hand outstretched) Hello, Contest Winner!  Congratulations on your well-deserved prize!

Fan: (Averting eyes as they shake hands) Thanks – nice to meet you.

Celebrity: Nice to meet you as well!  (Rubs hands together briskly) So!  Are they treating you all right?  Flight, hotel, this place – everything good so far?

Fan: (Still not looking Celebrity in the eye) Oh yes, everything has been lovely, thank you.

Celebrity: Perfect!  (Checks a watch) Well, we’ve got almost an hour before we need to get to our seats for the main event, so until then, I’m all yours!

Fan: (In a small voice) Yay….

Celebrity: (To one member of the entourage) Could you bring us some waters and snacks, please?  (The entourage member nods and leaves; Celebrity turns back to Fan and gestures to a couch) Let’s have a seat, shall we?

Fan: Sure….

(They sit on opposite ends of the small couch; Celebrity leans against the back as Fan sits stiffly straight; the rest of the entourage mills about on phones or chat with each other in chairs while security personnel station themselves by the couch and door)

Celebrity: So!  This your first time in New York City?

Fan: (Staring at the floor) No.

Celebrity: Ah.

Fan: (Looks at a wall near Celebrity’s head) I’ve been here a few times, to see shows and… the Library and… all that.

Celebrity: Oh, how nice!  I’ve been here before too, but always for film premieres so I never get to do much else.

Fan: Oh, that… stinks.

Celebrity: A little, but one of these days I’m sure I’ll get to be an actual tourist and see a show or… the Library.

Fan: Yeah.

Celebrity: …So!  What are your feelings about the film?

Fan: Um…..

Celebrity: I know: words can’t begin to describe the anticipation we all feel about it!  I really think this is the best work I’ve ever done, to be honest – (Leans toward Fan confidentially) I’ve been told that I may need to start the ol’ campaign once the film’s officially released, which is, you know, pretty flattering.  (Leans back, smiling excitedly)

Fan: (Brow furrowed in confusion, finally looks at Celebrity) Campaign… for office?

Celebrity: Awards.

Fan: Oh!  Right… yeah, I’m sure you’ll be nominated for all of them after this.

Celebrity: (Laughs self-deprecatingly) Well, who knows, right?  Either way, I don’t mind admitting that I’m a little nervous for today, especially how all the… well, you know… mature scenes will be received.

Fan: (Back to staring at the floor) Oh, I bet.

Celebrity: It’s funny, I’ve been in this business for decades, I’ve done all sorts of roles in all sorts of films, but the moment word gets out that I’m doing nudity for the first time, everyone loses their minds and reverts back to me being a kid again!  “Oh, little ------, is he trying to convince us he’s a big boy now?”  I’m in my 30s, for crying out loud!

Fan: (Wipes a sweaty temple) Mm-hm.

Celebrity: If I want to expose myself to the entire world, then by golly, I think I’ve earned the right to do so at this point in my career!  In fact, I think I’m long overdue!

Fan: (Examining a nonexistent hangnail) Yep.

Celebrity: (Stares at Fan for a moment, then suddenly scootches a little closer on the couch) Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize – does all that actually make you uncomfortable?

Fan: (Nods rapidly while looking back at the floor) A tad.  I was an adult when I saw your very first film, so this is all a bit… awkward for me.

Celebrity: Oh my.  I never thought about it that way; I thought everyone was just being stuck-up prudes.

Fan: There’s some of that in this, too.

Celebrity: Wow.  (Entourage member returns with water bottles and granola bars and hands them to Celebrity and Fan) Thanks.

Fan: Thank you.  (Immediately gulps down the water)

Celebrity: (To Fan) But you understand why I did those scenes in the film, right?  They’re not gratuitous, or for some cheap thrill – they are absolutely vital for the character I’m playing.

Fan: (After another gulp) I’m sure they are.

Celebrity: (Starts gesturing emphatically) It’ll all become clear when you see the entire work: the character’s arc, the progression from degradation into further and further depravity, the cinematography, the musical score, the sound effects – they all lead to these scenes of extreme joy, or extreme melancholy, depending on your interpretation.

Fan: I know, it’s just… (Looks at Celebrity again) Did you have to be completely naked to convey all that?!

Celebrity: (Blinks) Yes.  It’s all in the service of the art we’re creating here.  That’s the character’s ultimate transformation: (Leans in intensely) he bares his soul when he bares it all.

Fan: (Tries to smile, and nods) Got it.  (Finishes off the water)

Celebrity: (Leans back against the couch and smiles again) I’m glad.  Can’t wait until we see it all together!  But not “in the altogether,” am-I-right?  (Laughs nervously)

Fan: (Rips into the granola bar and bites off half of it) Yep, can’t wait. 

ONE HOUR LATER

(In the auditorium, Fan and Celebrity sit together in the front row, enraptured by the film)

Celebrity: (Leans over to whisper in Fan’s ear) What do you think so far?

Fan: (Not looking away from the screen, whispers back) It’s… really good.  You did a great job, and so did everyone else involved with this.  It’s absolutely mesmerizing.

Celebrity: (Blushes) Aw, thank you!  There’s no “I” in “Team”!  (They watch the film for a few more moments) Just wanted to let you know the first of those scenes is coming up now.

Fan: (Still watching the screen) Hm?  (The soundtrack changes the mood, along with the scene) Oh – oh my –

Celebrity: (Almost giddy while watching the screen) So nervous!

Fan: (As the scene progresses, tilts head down slightly and holds one hand perpendicular to the forehead) Um-hm.

Celebrity: (Looks over to Fan and whispers sharply) What are you doing?!  You can’t miss this now – I did six months of squats to get those glutes!

Fan: (Nods while still not looking up) And I can imagine that they were worth it.  (Actors on screen start getting more vocal) Hmmmmm…..

Audience Members: (Sitting behind Fan) Sssshhhh!!

Fan: (Whispers back without looking up) Sorry.  (Sinks lower in the seat)

Celebrity: (Disappointedly whispers to Fan) Well, you can bring yourself to watch the screen again, the scene’s over now – I’ll warn you when the other ones come up.

Fan: (Resumes previous upright position) Thanks – you’re a pal. 

TWO HOURS LATER 

(The lights in the auditorium come back on as the film ends and the audience members give a standing ovation; Celebrity, cast members, and other filmmakers in the first few rows stand to smile and wave at everyone, then sit back down as the director and producers approach the stage to give a speech)

Fan: (To Celebrity as the audience members also sit back down, most still applauding) I have to say, that was incredible!

Celebrity: (Smiles in relief) You really think so?

Fan: Yes!  You were right, I think this is the best work you’ve ever done!  And the other actors and the crew all were great – if the movie doesn’t get at least one award next season, then the whole thing’s a sham.

Celebrity: Wow, thank you so much!  It is extremely reassuring to hear such complimentary feedback; I appreciate it greatly, and I’ll let the others know, too!

Fan: (Smiling) Cool, thanks!

Celebrity: (Facing the stage again while the remaining applause fades out in anticipation of the speeches) And by the way, I have to say, you also were right.

Fan: (Also facing the stage again) Hm?  How so?

Celebrity: …Could’ve done without the nudity.

Story 619: When Is Now?

            “What day is today?”

“The date?”

“No, the day.”

“Oh, it’s Wednesday.”

“How do you know?”

“Because… it is?”

“But how do you know, for certain?”

“Is this a test or something?”

“I just want to know how is it you’re absolutely, positively certain what day of the week it is.”

“OK, if we’re doing this: I know it’s Wednesday because later I’ll have to go food shopping.”

“Which could’ve been changed with any other day.”

“Ugh, fine: it’s also leftovers tonight.”

“Not good enough – you can have leftovers several days a week.  Have you looked at an actual calendar today?”

“No, I haven’t looked at a calendar in weeks; I don’t have to because it’s all – up – here!”

“Uh-huh.”

“All right: today is most definitely Wednesday, because yesterday was Tuesday.  So there.”

“…But how do you know yesterday was – ”

“I’ve had enough of this – excuse me, busy employee?”

“Oh, me?  I’m actually in the middle of helping someone else, but how can I help you in a few minutes?”

“This’ll just take a second: we’re playing an annoying game right now – could you be a pal and let us know what day of the week today is, please?”

“Yeah, sure: it’s Thursday.”

“….”

“….”

“OK, gotta go – bye.”

“….”

“….”

“Do you think we should be concerned this may be a sign of a serious problem that we should get checked out?”

“Nah – at least we still know what the days of the week are.”

“True; and after all, we really were only one day off.”

“I’d say that’s a win.”

Story 618: Out With the Old, In With the Nothing

            (Friend 2 knocks on Friend 1’s condo door; after a few moments, Friend 1 opens the door wearing coveralls, a hat, and several layers of dust)

Friend 2: …I’m afraid to ask.

Friend 1: Too late – get in.  (Pulls Friend 2 by the wrist into the condo and locks the door shut behind them both, then looks at the other up-and-down) Where’s your protective gear?

Friend 2: (Gestures to self) You said “Dress for a mess” so these are the most worn-out clothes I have; although – (Also looks Friend 1 up-and-down) it seems I forgot to bring along my gas mask.

Friend 1: What?  Oh, forget it – too late for such trifles now!  Let’s go.  (Leads the way to the bedroom in the back of the unit and opens arms wide once through the doorway) Right!  Here’s how far I got so… far.

(Friend 2 takes in all the boxes, books, clothes, photo albums, files, stuff, stuff, and more stuff all over the floor, the bed, and partway up the walls)

Friend 2: Oh… wow….

Friend 1: I know, isn’t it hideous?  We always complain about accumulating junk we don’t need but we never truly realize how much of it we’ve shoved into our lives.  I haven’t even touched the upper shelves in the closet yet, if you can believe it.

Friend 2: (Nodding resignedly) Oh, I can.  And this is the only room you need to go through, yes, please?

Friend 1: (Starts moving piles of clothes into bigger piles on the bed) Yeah – the good thing about moving from your childhood home straight into a smaller space is that I never got a chance to collect mega-sized possessions.  Could you imagine if I tried to shove a table tennis table in here?

Friend 2: But you don’t play.

Friend 1: No, but if I had a huge house all to myself I’d probably start buying stuff like that just to fill it up.  Oh, the soul-crushing cycle of consumerism!

Friend 2: (Tosses away a dirty sock) Spare me.

Friend 1: Sure.  (Abruptly sits in a small cleared-out area on the floor) So: I need you to help me get rid of the paraphernalia.

Friend 2: (Sits nearby in another small cleared-out area on the floor) What, you mean like old school notebooks and broken trinkets and what-not?

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Don’t need me for that – you know what’s a keeper and what’s garbage.

Friend 1: That’s the thing: I’ll think they’re all keepers.  I need you here to be brutal.

Friend 2: Ah.

Friend 1: No matter how much I beg, plead, or complain, if it’s taking up space and is no longer needed in my life, it’s got – to – go.

Friend 2: If you say so.  Is this a New Year’s resolution thing?

Friend 1: Sort of, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.  I read in a few places recently that it’ll be so much easier to have all these knickknacks no one else’ll care about already gone, for those who’ll wind up having to clean out this place after I kick the bucket.

Friend 2: (Looks up from holding a half-used pencil at different angles) Ugh, morbid.

Friend 1: Hey, we all have to face reality at some point.

Friend 2: Yes, and you’re so good at that.

Friend 1: I’d resent that if it weren’t mostly true; this time though I’m actually being proactively thoughtful with my inevitable exit stage left.

Friend 2: And you realize that I’ll probably be the one cleaning out your stuff – in the far, far distant future, of course.

Friend 1: I doubt it: you’re nicer than I am, so the rule usually is that you’ll go to Heaven first and I’ll be stuck here for a much longer sentence.

Friend 2: Thanks, I think.  (Rummages through a nearby pile and pulls out an old toy car) OK, let’s start small with this: Keep, Donate, or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Takes the car with a smile) Aw, I remember getting this from my grandparents when I was 4 years old – I would zoom it all over the house on its never-ending race around the world!... Mom and Dad weren’t too happy about that.

Friend 2: I’ll bet.  So, Keep?

Friend 1: (Fiddles with the car for a few moments, then shakes head definitively and hands the toy back to Friend 2) No, this can go to the Donate pile: it’s time it made someone else happy.  I’ll always cherish the memories, right up until the moment dementia steals them.

Friend 2: Bleak.  (Clears another open space on the floor and sets down the car) This’ll be the Donate pile, then – you got a bag for Garbage?

Friend 1: (Holds up a contractor bag) Way ahead of you!

Friend 2: Good.  I guess the Keep items will go back into the closet or wherever, then.

Friend 1: Oh, that pile will be extremely small, don’t you worry.  (Winks)

Friend 2: Of course it will.  (Holds up a stuffed animal that is fraying at the seams) How about this one?

Friend 1: (Gasps) Wobbly!  (Grabs the stuffed animal out of Friend 2’s hand and hugs it close) I can’t believe I forgot all about you!  How thoughtless of me!

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  Donate to make someone else happy, then?

Friend 1: (Looks up guiltily) Uh – well – you can see the condition’s not exactly prime – I wouldn’t want to give someone a used stuffed companion –

Friend 2: So, Garbage?

Friend 1: (On an intake of breath) How-dare-you!

Friend 2: Mm-hm; Keep?

Friend 1: I should think so!  (Reaches up to the bed and props the stuffed animal against a pillow) A few stitches’ll fix you good as new, don’t you worry.

Friend 2: OK, moving along – (Holds up a file folder) This looks like class notes.

Friend 1: Really?  (Takes the folder and skims through the papers) Oh, Psych 101!  I needed that freshman year in college!

Friend 2: Yeah, I think everyone in freshman year in college had to take something like that.  Recycling rather than Garbage for those, then?

Friend 1: (Still skimming through the papers) Just a minute… this is really interesting… I practically blew off this class but now that I’m reading this it’s actually very insightful….

Friend 2: That class was over 20 years ago so most of the information is probably outdated.

Friend 1: (Hands back the folder) OK, Recycling.

Friend 2: (Clears another open space on the floor) Group #4.

Friend 1: What a side benefit to all this: we’re saving the Earth on top of everything else.

Friend 2: It’s very unlikely that we’re saving much of anything.  (Holds up a collage) Keep or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2) I’m shocked: do you not recognize your younger self with our high school chums in that display?

Friend 2: (Turns around the collage to look at it closely, then recoils in horror) Ah!  Garbage!  (Tries to shove it into the contractor bag)

Friend 1: (Grabs the collage and tosses it onto the bed) Yoink!

Friend 2: All right, but you’d better not post photos of that anywhere or I’ll never speak to you again.  (Holds up a trinket) Garbage or Donate?

Friend 1: Eh, Donate; should make someone’s day.

Friend 2: (Tosses it back over a shoulder and holds up a fancy pen) This looks used – Garbage?

Friend 1: Oh – that was from my first real job – it was kind of a memento – coming of age and all – but the ink’s probably dry –

Friend 2: Garbage.  (Flings it into the open contractor bag, then holds up a photo album) Keep?

Friend 1: Of course.

Friend 2: (Tosses it onto the bed, then holds up a video game cartridge) Donate?

Friend 1: If any system can actually play it now, sure – I kept losing on that one so I’ve no emotional attachment to it.

Friend 2: (Tosses it back over a shoulder, then holds up a diary) Keep or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Narrows eyes at it) Hm… read out the first page for me, please?

Friend 2: (Opens the diary and reads) “Dear Diary, No one understands me – ”

Friend 1: BURN IT!

(Several hours later, everything has been sorted into two towering groups of multiple mini-piles on the floor and one smaller pile on the bed, or put into several contractor bags; Friend 1 and Friend 2 creakily stand up and walk over to the door to admire their work)

Friend 2: Well, I have to say, I didn’t think you could bring yourself to clean out this much and this thoroughly, but you did, and I’m proud of you.

Friend 1: Aw, thanks!  You were a big help – I didn’t think I could’ve parted with as much if you weren’t here to force me.

Friend 2: Well, that’s what friends are for.

Friend 1: Great friend!

(They smile at each other, then stare at the organized mess for a few moments longer)

Friend 1: So, now I’ve got to haul all these to the garbage and recycling dumpsters and a donation center –

Friend 2: (Turns and leaves) Yeah, not that great a friend.

Story 617: New Year, New… What?

            (In an apartment living room on New Year’s Eve, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 sit on the couch watching the ball drop in some city broadcast live on TV as they each hold fresh mugs of hot chocolate)

TV: Three!... Two!... One!... HAPPY NEW YEAR! (Controlled chaos reigns on the streets)

(Now New Year’s Day, Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 stare vacantly for a few moments at the sparkling ball above the now-lit up year, then simultaneously perk up and tap mugs)

Sibling 1: Happy New Year!

Sibling 2: And a Happy New Year to you, too!

(They take a long sip, slightly burn their tongues, smack their lips in satisfaction, and sigh)

Sibling 2: (Looking into the mug) You know, we’re probably going to regret having something this heavy and this sweet this late in the night.  (Tilts head to think) Or is it now, this early in the morning?

 Sibling 1: (Takes a big gulp and swings the mug away with a flourish) Ahhhhh…. Totally worth it.  (Stares at the mug for a few moments, then over to Sibling 2) It’s funny, I never really thought about this before: you ever get a hangover?

Sibling 2: (After another sip) Hm, once.  Totally not worth it.

Sibling 1: Good to know.  (They watch the storm of confetti and the hugging, kissing, swaying, singing, and general good will on-screen for a bit) You know, I always feel a little different right at the beginning of a new year.

Sibling 2: Oh, really?

Sibling 1: Yeah; I dunno, I feel… renewed, rejuvenated, like anything’s possible and I finally can get my act together.

Sibling 2: Well, that’s… great.

Sibling 1: Yeah.  (Swirls the remaining chocolate in the mug for a bit before looking back at Sibling 2) It’s all gone by the time I wake up New Year’s morning, though.

Sibling 2: I figured.

Sibling 1: (Stares at the far wall) Yep: fall into the same old habits, the same old… rut.  No renewal, no rejuvenation; just back to my old routines like it’s the same year on repeat, and nothing changes for the better.

Sibling 2: Well, that’s not entirely true: you did stick to that workout routine you started a few years ago; that’s something.

Sibling 1: Yeah, but that was in a random March.  If it was in a New Year’s Day, I probably would’ve given up before I even started because the stakes would’ve felt too high.

Sibling 2: Maybe not.

Sibling 1: (Chuckling) Oh, I know me.  (Finishes off the hot chocolate, then gestures with the mug toward the kitchen) You good or you want some more?

Sibling 2: Still nursing mine, but thanks.

Sibling 1: Sure.  (Looks down at the empty mug, then places it off to the side on the floor and slouches back on the couch) I guess I should cut myself off at one – probably’ll wake up in a few hours anyway, cursing my past self and wondering where it all went wrong.

Sibling 2: I thought it was going to be totally worth it?

Sibling 1: My taste buds and brain say “Yes”, but my aging digestive system says “I hate you.”

Sibling 2: Know the feeling.  (Finishes off the hot chocolate and also sets the mug off to the side on the floor and slouches back on the couch as Sibling 1 uses a remote to turn off the TV) So, no New Year’s resolutions this time, huh?

Sibling 1: (Yawning) Well, I’ll just do the usual: try to be a better person, more patient, nicer, volunteer with worthy causes, solve all the world’s problems, prevent the inevitable end of the Universe, that sort of thing – but I always fail on Day 1, so I really don’t know why I bother.  You?

Sibling 2: (Also yawning) The usual: try to do as least damage as possible on my trips around the Sun until my inevitable end.

Sibling 1: (As they stare at each other while lying back on opposite ends of the couch; starting to fall asleep) Wow.  That’s a lofty goal....

Sibling 2: (While drifting off) Well, you know me: aim high.... 

HAPPY NEW ZZZZZZZZ....

Story 616: I Was Dreaming of a White Christmas… But Not Anymore

             December 24, 20XX 

Dear Santa, 

I would like to start this letter with an expression of gratitude, which I am certain is so rarely received on your end.  I can guarantee that 99.9999999%, if not 100%, of your one-way correspondence consists of “I want”, “I need”, “I really want”, and “GIMME!”, with not one piece of mail dated December 26 that is a thank-you note.  Well, let me be possibly the first – possibly the only – to write to you saying:

Thank you, dear Santa Claus, for all the bounty you have bestowed upon me over the years.  I deeply appreciate all the efforts of you, Mrs. Claus, the elves, the reindeer, and everyone else on your staff each and every year to please the materialist desires of all the children of the world, even if they are on the Naughty List (let’s face it, who has ever really gotten only coal as a present?  That’s what I thought).  Your hard work, and all the pleasure it brings, does not go unnoticed.

I especially appreciate the granting of my biggest request of all time that you finally granted last year: after so many unseasonably warm Christmases full of rain and mud, last year I wrote to you with all my heart asking for just one more true, magical, wondrous White Christmas.  And by golly, you delivered!  I looked out my window the morning of December 25 and the world was covered in a blanket of the good stuff, making everything look soft, wholesome, and beautiful.  It was glorious, and I will be eternally grateful to you for granting that request and creating a truly special day filled with the loveliness that only a winter wonderland can bring.

OK, now onto the meat of this criticism sandwich:

I realize that you are used to permanent winter up where you reside – I am guessing that you actually prefer it that way – but in the latitude where I reside, all the living creatures here have only ever lived in a climate with, you know, seasons.  It is possible that you may not be aware of this, but that amazing White Christmas you gifted last year never stopped.  As in, NEVER.  STOPPED.  We are now on Day 365 of continuous snowfall, with no end in sight due to the apparently self-perpetuating cloud formations that hover over us like a prophecy of doom fulfilled.  There was no spring, no summer, and no autumn; just one long, unending winter.   At first everyone laughed about it as January rolled into February, saying we finally got a real winter again after years of mush so of course we are never satisfied when it commits to the role, but then March rolled into April, and when Mother’s Day came around everyone knew we had a problem.  Thank goodness the effect was localized to our town and we never were cut off from outside deliveries of food and other necessities, but the animals who had migrated from force of habit still have not come back, and those who usually stick it out packed up and left in June, along with a third of the town’s human population.  And sure, there is sledding, and snowball fights, and occasional “snow days” that are rendered meaningless by technology for working or attending school remotely, but it all wears a bit then when you are falling on the icy sidewalk for the thirtieth time or watching yet another 10-car pile-up due to frozen potholes or the plows breaking down trying to keep up with the continual accumulation.  There are committees now that regularly patrol the streets knocking snow off of trees and checking homes’ and businesses’ rooftops so that the gradually increasing weight of all those pretty little frozen pieces of water do not crush everything underneath them.  I shovel a few inches outside my window at the end of every day just so I can look through it the following morning and confirm that the world out there still exists, and nearly everyone’s water pipers burst at least twice before a notice went out to wrap them all up and keep a hairdryer on standby.  The power surprisingly has mostly managed to stay on – there was one weekend we now refer to as “The Fourth of July Freeze-Out”, but otherwise electricity has been consistent.  Still, it is no fun trick-or-treating with snowshoes and ski poles – what kind of ballet dancer or astronaut is that supposed to be? – and all the ice cream parlors went out of business before we reached August in our Year Without a Summer.  At Thanksgiving, everyone said they were thankful that their furnaces still worked, and that was it.

So, I write to you again, dear Santa Claus, to please flip the switch on the never-ending snowfall, and bring back the rain – or, better yet, move along the permanent clouds for at least three months so that everything can dry out, and then bring back the rain in time for spring, and for at least something to grow this year.  We will even take a gentle tornado at this point, if only it would suck up all the snow that, at its current untouched height, has now surpassed the water tower.

I thank you again for last year’s thoughtful gift and humbly ask for this one last present, and I promise that I will never write to you asking for anything else for the rest of my life.

Well, except for maybe peace on Earth and goodwill toward all, but I know that is a bit of a stretch.

                                                                         With Shivering Affection, 

                                                                         Snowed-In Sandy, Age 10

Story 615: Destination: North Pole – Santa’s House

             Expedition Log, Day 165: I pause in the middle of my trek through the Arctic tundra to enter these notes before reaching my final goal, the North Pole.  Specifically: Santa’s Workshop.  The dogs who I commandeered to pull me along with the supply sled have long since abandoned us both and reclaimed their freedom – can’t say I blame them.  Those supplies have dwindled to the point where I may not have enough for the return journey: water is not an issue since I am surrounded by it in a semi-frozen state, but food may be since any animals who actually live up here are scarce, I’m no hunter anyway, and plants suitable for my species to survive apparently don’t thrive in this biome.  On the other hand, the journey back should be significantly shorter than the journey here since, due to a grave miscalculation, I originally found myself on the opposite side of the planet in the South Pole (the presence of penguins revealed my error).

No matter: at last, I have reached journey’s end, and am ready to confront The Man, The Myth, The Legend in his stronghold.  Wish me luck!

(Explorer trudges through the mountains of snow toward a large castle, stops at the main entrance to hyperventilate a bit, and raises a fist to pound on the front door)

Santa Claus: (Opening the door before Explorer can pound on it) Ah, you made it!  Come on in!  (Holds the door open wider and waves Explorer inside)

Explorer: (Still standing with fist raised) Diiiiiiid you know I was coming?

Santa Claus: Of course!  “He sees you when you’re sleeping”, and all that.  Naturally, that’s just hyperbole: I don’t watch anyone sleeping, that’s creepy.  (Explorer still stands there) So, you coming in or what?  The heat’s getting out.

Explorer: Oh!  Right.  (Finally lowers the raised hand and rushes into a large room filled with cushioned furniture, Christmas decorations, and a huge roaring fireplace as Santa Claus bolts the door shut)  This… isn’t your workshop.

Santa Claus: (Walks to the fireplace and increases the settings from “Full Blast” to “Inferno”) Hm?  Oh, yes, the factory’s in the back courtyard – we moved operations off-site about a century ago so the missus and elves and I could really “go home” after a hard day’s work, know what I mean?  So – (Gestures to a gigantic sofa) Have a seat!  I’ll get something to warm you right up – favorite’s still peppermint hot cocoa with a little whipped cream on top, yes?

Explorer: (Sinking slowly into the sofa, full-body shaking reduced to a gentle shiver) Um, yes please, thank you.

Santa Claus: Coming right up!  Think I’ll make one for myself, too.  (Hums “Deck the Halls” while entering an industrial kitchen, then magics up two large mugs of hot cocoa and a plate of cookies and brings them out on a tray) Here you are!

Explorer: (Staring in awe at the tray) Wow, that’s amazing!  Thanks, Santa!  (Takes a mug)

Santa Claus: Ho-ho-ho, my pleasure!  Cookie?  Fresh out of the oven, in a manner of speaking.

Explorer: Oh sure, yes, thank you!  (Takes a sugar cookie, bites into it, and closes eyes) Tastes like childhood….

Santa Claus: (Sets the tray onto a large low table and sits in an armchair) Wait till you drink the cocoa.  You don’t even have to wait for it to cool off – it’s not too hot, not too cold.

(They both take a sip, then sigh)

Explorer: Heaven.

Santa Claus: Close enough.  So!  (Places the mug onto a coaster on the table) Now that you’re safely back from borderline hypothermia, what brings you all the way to this end of the globe, hm?

Explorer: Well, not to sound rude, but like you said earlier, don’t you already know?

Santa Claus: I do, but I’d rather hear it in your own words.

Explorer: OK.... (Takes another contented sip and then sets down the mug on a coaster) Well, Santa, I came all this way, looking for you, for a very special request.  (Santa Claus nods in encouragement) I’ll keep giving presents and donating and all that, but the one gift I want this year is something literally no one else on Earth can give me, and you’re my last hope.

Santa Claus: Yes?

Explorer: This year, I want… well… I want what I lost.  I want… The Spirit.

Santa Claus: Of… Christmas Past?

Explorer: No!  Well, actually, sort of: I want The Spirit of the Season.  That I used to have.

Santa Claus: (Chuckles) Ah yes, of course.  Please go on.

Explorer: (Stands and starts pacing around the sofa) It’s hard to explain.  I mean, I know I was lucky.  I grew up in a great family and a great home, and Christmas was always a wonderful time of year for me – I’m not talking about the presents, it was everything else: the decorations, the snow, the cookies, the ice skating, the caroling, the parties with family and friends, the Advent wreaths, the Nativity scenes, the colored lights hung up everywhere, and just the – the –

Santa Claus: (Nods encouragingly) Yes?

Explorer: (Stops pacing) The feeling!  Warmth, happiness – joy!  Joy to the world, and I truly believed it!  And then… and now… (Sinks into the sofa again) it’s all gone.

Santa Claus: Hm.  I think that’s called “puberty”.

Explorer: Oh, Santa!  (Slumps further into the sofa) I could take almost every other disappointment growing up, but I tried so hard to hold onto – this – (Waves at the surrounding room) and it still got away from me!  Why do hormones have to ruin everything?!

Santa Claus: I think if we knew the answer to that, there truly would be peace on Earth.  Now, you know I can’t give you your childhood back –

Explorer: (Grumbles, staring at a pillow with a giant nutcracker embroidered on it) I know, I know.

Santa Claus: (Laying a finger aside of his nose) BUT – (Explorer perks up) I can give you one day.

Explorer: One day?

Santa Claus: Yes: One Christmas Day to relive, your happiest one, from when you were, let me think… (Strokes beard in thought) yes!  When you were 8: old enough to really appreciate everything, and far enough back when your grandparents and first furry companions still were with us, and you were surrounded by family and love and joy and all was right in your own world.  Would you like that?

Explorer: (Stands, almost in tears) Oh Santa, that sounds wonderful, thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!

Santa Claus: (Also stands and the two hug) Of course!  After all, you’ve always been on the Nice List.

Explorer: (Sniffles) I try!

Santa Claus: (Patting Explorer soothingly on the back) And if this’ll keep you from tracking me down at home in the future….

Explorer: (Pulls back) Oh Santa, you’ll never see me ever again!  One day, from when I was truly happy, will be enough to last all my life!

Santa Claus: I certainly hope so.

(Explorer, age 8, wakes up on Christmas morning)

Explorer: (Jumps out of bed and runs to the living room) It’s Christmas, yay!

(Family members are sitting on the floor and in chairs facing the Christmas tree; snow is falling gently outside, carols are playing from a speaker nearby, and the smell of pine and cookies fill the air)

Family Members: Merry Christmas!

Explorer: Merry Christmas, everybody!  (Goes around the room hugging parents, grandparents, siblings, and a cat and dog) This is the best Christmas ever!

(Back in the North Pole, Santa Claus is seated on the sofa and watches the scene on a flat-screen television above the fireplace as Mrs. Claus enters from another room, wearing overalls and taking off work gloves)

Santa Claus: (Turns away from the screen) Hello, dear; how was the factory today?

Mrs. Claus: (Puts on a cozy velvet dress over the overalls) Everything’s running smoothly, love: I finished fixing the video game generator for when you take over on tomorrow’s shift.

Santa Claus: Splendid, thank you!  (Turns back to the television and watches 8-year-old Explorer and family opening presents)

Mrs. Claus: (Walks up behind the sofa to watch) Manipulating the laws of time and space again, are we?

Santa Claus: Hm?  (Turns back to look at Mrs. Claus) Oh no, this is all in that child’s head.  (Points to Explorer on the screen) Well, that child’s actually an adult now, and the one thing wanted for Christmas was the Spirit of the Season that was lost at some point, so I gave the gift of reliving good memories.  Came all the way up here to ask and everything.

Mrs. Claus: Ah, so that’s why you wanted today off.  Why didn’t you just tell me?

Santa Claus: Well, there was an off-chance that even though the trek was long, this one’d turn tail and head home at the last minute, so I didn’t want to spoil things by mentioning it out loud beforehand.  Superstitious, I know, but there it is.

Mrs. Claus: Understood.  So your guest is all snug in bed at home right now?

Santa Claus: Mm-hm.  And having a wonderful dream, if I may say so myself.  Even though it’s from memories, I made it happen.

Mrs. Claus: Uh-huh.  I thought you didn’t watch them while they’re sleeping?

Santa Claus: …Well, I’m not watching the person, I’m watching the dream.

Mrs. Claus: Ah, got it.

Santa Claus: (Turning full attention back to the screen) Troublemaker.  (Mrs. Claus chuckles)

(On the screen, Explorer looks around at the happy scene and then up at the Santa Claus tree topper)

Explorer: (Whispering) Thank you, Santa.

Santa Claus: (As Mrs. Claus lovingly squeezes his shoulder; he pats her hand and takes off his glasses to brush away a tear) I love my job.

Story 614: When the Cat Takes Over the Christmas Tree

             In a break from my routine of sleeping-eating-napping-eating-resting-playing-eating-sleeping-napping-sleeping-training the servants-sleeping-deeper sleeping-relaxing, the servants have suddenly installed a new object for my entertainment.  At first glance, I thought it was one of those outdoor prey towers – the trunk and needles were a clever ruse – but one whiff revealed the lie.  Whatever it is, it imitates Nature but is in itself Unnatural; the servants may have fooled themselves, but not me.  Never me.  Still – can’t turn down an opportunity to ascend the highest heights, so up I climb….

Parent 1: Honey, have you seen the cat?

Parent 2: Not lately; did you check behind the couch?

Parent 1: Yeah, and also the backs of the closets – nothing.

Parent 2: Well, she couldn’t have gotten out, so just let’s start decorating the Christmas tree and she’ll eventually turn up to play with the tissue paper.

From my strategic position near the top of this so-called “tree”, I observe the servants below adding oddly-shaped items to the branches.  This all seems familiar, although I can’t specifically recall seeing them do this before.  Then again, I can’t specifically recall seeing anything before, so that isn’t too concerning.

Parent 1: Heh, remember this ornament?

Parent 2: Oh yeah, that was from our trip last summer.

Parent 1: …It was three summers ago.

Parent 2: Really?... Oh yeah, I guess it was.  Well, there goes my life.

Little do they know that I wait in the recesses of this tower as they come closer and closer with their baubles – soon, if I am patient, those treasures will be mine.

Parent 2: You think we should leave off some stuff this year?  I feel like we get more and more ornaments but less and less tree.

Parent 1: Nah, that’s a slippery slope: you leave off some ornaments one year, and soon enough it’s entire boxes that sit unopened year after year after year.

Parent 2: I guess, but at some point I start wondering if there are so many that they’re smothering the lights and creating a fire hazard.

Parent 1: That’s a good point…. Remember the bubble lights we had back in the day?  Talk about a hazard.

Parent 2: Yeah, but they were also strangely soothing.

The bipeds have overcome their literal shortcomings by artificially increasing their height with a metal contraption, and are now encroaching onto my territory – the treasures start to invade my space – I must assert my dominance now or be forever oppressed by these creatures –

Parent 1: Aaaaaahhhhh!!!!

Parent 2: Whoa, careful on the ladder!  What happened?!

Parent 1: …I found the cat.

Parent 2: What?  Ohhhhh, how’d you get in there, sweetie?  Here, let me get you out of all that, you widdle sugar plum dumpling baby!  Now, let’s go riiiiiiiight over to your food, and stay out of that big ol’ tree – we wouldn’t want you breaking anything or hurting yourself, would we, cuddle-pie?

Parent 1: Almost gave me a heart attack.  How’d she get all the way up there without us seeing?

Parent 2: Who knows?  They can get in the highest and the tightest spaces without disturbing a thing – I just don’t want her getting stuck in there or knocking stuff off or, perish the thought, knocking the whole tree over.

Parent 1: Ugh, could you imagine the mess?  Definitely would take me out of the holiday spirit having to clean that up.

As I gnaw on these bland rocks they dare to present to me as “food”, I unobtrusively monitor their progress in covering the “tree” with artificial nonsense, and plot my revenge.  Yes – while they sleep – that is when I will summit the monolith and declare my victory over their feeble attempts at usurping my authority.

That star at the top will be the first to go.