In a break from my routine of sleeping-eating-napping-eating-resting-playing-eating-sleeping-napping-sleeping-training the servants-sleeping-deeper sleeping-relaxing, the servants have suddenly installed a new object for my entertainment. At first glance, I thought it was one of those outdoor prey towers – the trunk and needles were a clever ruse – but one whiff revealed the lie. Whatever it is, it imitates Nature but is in itself Unnatural; the servants may have fooled themselves, but not me. Never me. Still – can’t turn down an opportunity to ascend the highest heights, so up I climb….
Parent 1: Honey, have you seen the cat?
Parent 2: Not lately; did you check behind the couch?
Parent 1: Yeah, and also the backs of the closets – nothing.
Parent 2: Well, she couldn’t have gotten out, so just let’s start decorating the Christmas tree and she’ll eventually turn up to play with the tissue paper.
From my strategic position near the top of this so-called “tree”, I observe the servants below adding oddly-shaped items to the branches. This all seems familiar, although I can’t specifically recall seeing them do this before. Then again, I can’t specifically recall seeing anything before, so that isn’t too concerning.
Parent 1: Heh, remember this ornament?
Parent 2: Oh yeah, that was from our trip last summer.
Parent 1: …It was three summers ago.
Parent 2: Really?... Oh yeah, I guess it was. Well, there goes my life.
Little do they know that I wait in the recesses of this tower as they come closer and closer with their baubles – soon, if I am patient, those treasures will be mine.
Parent 2: You think we should leave off some stuff this year? I feel like we get more and more ornaments but less and less tree.
Parent 1: Nah, that’s a slippery slope: you leave off some ornaments one year, and soon enough it’s entire boxes that sit unopened year after year after year.
Parent 2: I guess, but at some point I start wondering if there are so many that they’re smothering the lights and creating a fire hazard.
Parent 1: That’s a good point…. Remember the bubble lights we had back in the day? Talk about a hazard.
Parent 2: Yeah, but they were also strangely soothing.
The bipeds have overcome their literal shortcomings by artificially increasing their height with a metal contraption, and are now encroaching onto my territory – the treasures start to invade my space – I must assert my dominance now or be forever oppressed by these creatures –
Parent 1: Aaaaaahhhhh!!!!
Parent 2: Whoa, careful on the ladder! What happened?!
Parent 1: …I found the cat.
Parent 2: What? Ohhhhh, how’d you get in there, sweetie? Here, let me get you out of all that, you widdle sugar plum dumpling baby! Now, let’s go riiiiiiiight over to your food, and stay out of that big ol’ tree – we wouldn’t want you breaking anything or hurting yourself, would we, cuddle-pie?
Parent 1: Almost gave me a heart attack. How’d she get all the way up there without us seeing?
Parent 2: Who knows? They can get in the highest and the tightest spaces without disturbing a thing – I just don’t want her getting stuck in there or knocking stuff off or, perish the thought, knocking the whole tree over.
Parent 1: Ugh, could you imagine the mess? Definitely would take me out of the holiday spirit having to clean that up.
As I gnaw on these bland rocks they dare to present to me as “food”, I unobtrusively monitor their progress in covering the “tree” with artificial nonsense, and plot my revenge. Yes – while they sleep – that is when I will summit the monolith and declare my victory over their feeble attempts at usurping my authority.
That star at the top will be the first to go.