Story 515: Fame Without Celebrity

             (In a lecture hall at a convention center, a session begins that will feature the stars of an upcoming blockbuster film)

Director: (Standing on a stage next to a long table with microphones and nameplates at intervals for each chair and addressing the audience) Hello, nerds!

Audience: (Applauding wildly) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Director: Thank you for spending your hard-earned or nonexistent money to come here today and listen to us tease a movie that’ll premier at least a year from now, if we’re lucky.

Audience: (Applauding wildly again) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Director: And now, without further ado, here are the stars you’ve all come to see!  (Flings out the arm not holding the microphone toward stage left, where several actors enter smiling and waving at the audience and then sit at table with their matching nameplate)

Audience: (Now standing while applauding wildly) WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

(One actor, whose chair is at the exact center of the table, enters last wearing a cap with his head tucked down and not smiling or waving as he zooms straight to the seat and sits in a slouch, hands folded in his lap and not looking up)

Director: (Smiling fondly at the group) My shining film family: what a journey we’ve taken, what adventures we’ve shared, what stories we have to tell.  Forever friendships made through our shared journey… (Almost all the actors at the table nod in agreement) that’ll end with us probably never seeing each other again after we finish the publicity tour.  Now – (To the audience) where’s our first question for our lil’ gang here?  (Sees a crew member bring a microphone to an audience member) Yes, you first – hi!

Audience Member 1: Hi!  (Points to the actor seated at the center of the table) My question is for Chad right there, who seems to be hiding from us; hiiiiiii Chaaaaad!

Chad: (Lifts head up slightly) Hi.  (Heads goes back down)

Audience Member 1: So, my question is, how does it feel to be suddenly thrust into superstardom when you landed the lead role in this humongous film that millions of fans of the franchise have been begging to see for literally decades?!

Audience: Squeeeeeee!!!!!

Chad: (Looks up slightly) How… does it feel?

Audience Member 1: Yes, especially since you’ve been in the industry for a while in only supporting roles, and now, all at once, you are IT!

Director: (Applauding with the audience and co-stars) Yeah, Chad!  I had final say on casting him, by the way.

Chad: (Thinks for a few moments) Well… it feels....

Director: (As the moments stretch into uncomfortable silence) Pretty cool, I bet, right?

Audience: Ahahahahahaha!

Chad: Actually, the whole thing kind of stinks.

Audience: Ahahaha – ha?

Chad: (Leans forward to speak more into the table microphone) I mean, I liked my career – my life – the way it was: it was steady work and I could go out and do pretty much whatever I wanted.  When I got this role, I figured, “Sure, whatever, bump in pay, right?”  Little did I know, I was signing an invisible contract that meant life as I knew it was now over!

Director: Heh-heh; oh Chad, we all know the perils of fame –

Chad: (To Director) Do we?!  I only auditioned for the part because my now-former agent swore to me that the film’s budget was so big it would never see the light of day, and this just would keep me employed until the next Broadway audition season started!

Director: Uh, Chad, maybe don’t mention the budget –

Chad: (Back to Audience Member 1) You know, no one tells you that when you’re the so-called “star” that everyone else in the world now thinks they own you!  People somehow found out where I live and now camp on my front lawn regularly, stealing my mail even when I locked the box, following me when I go food shopping, coming up to me while I’m running on park trails demanding a copy of my chicken-scratch signature which I can’t even read, and asking while I’m at the dentist’s office about how I live and feel as if I was this character when – hate to burst your bubble – I never read any of the source material this dude’s based on!

Audience: (Collectively) <GASP!>

Director: Maybe we should hear from some of your co-stars now –

Chad: (Grabs the table microphone and stands) And another thing: I don’t appreciate having my entire life scrutinized from birth, or my family and friends harassed for details on everything I’ve ever done, or my dating life now ruined because I can’t trust that anyone I may be interested in isn’t actually an undercover stalker!

Audience Member 2: (Stands up at the back of the hall) I LOVE YOU, CHAD!

Chad: (Gestures vaguely in that unseen direction) See?!  See?!  How can you say that?!  I don’t know you!  You don’t know me!  I could be a jerk and you could be a psychopath!

Audience Member 2: YOU ARE SO WISE!  I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE NOW!

Chad: (Back to the general audience, holding the microphone in both hands) I just want to walk down the street in peace again!  Can’t you all just let me walk down the street in peace again?!

Director: (Yanks the microphone out of Chad’s hands and turns back to the audience) Let’s hear it for Chad’s wholehearted dedication to the craft!  (Audience applauds politely)

Audience Member 1: (Hands the microphone back to the crew member and sits) I guess I’m done, then.

Chad: (Sits back on the chair and lowers his head onto his arms on the table; muffled) I don’t even get the rest of my pay until after the film’s released!

Director: So!  Let’s have another question from the audience!

Audience Member 3: (Stands and is handed the microphone from the same crew member) Hello, my question is for Priya –

Priya: (Had been staring at Chad who is sitting next to her, quietly sobbing; she now sits forward to speak into the table microphone) Yes, hi!

Audience Member 3: You’ve been a superstar yourself for a number of years – have you had all this like Chad, only worse?

Priya: Unfortunately, yes.  (Pats Chad on the shoulder) Hate to say it, kid: even though they’ll take it easier on you than they do me, it only goes downhill from here.  (Chad groans loudly into his arms)

Director: (Mops sweat off brow with an event flyer) Any questions out there related to the actual film?!  Please?!

Audience Member 4: (Stands while looking at a phone display and is given the microphone by the crew member, who had taken it from Audience Member 3) Yeah, I’m reading here that the movie’s release just got cancelled `cause it went way over budget.  Is that true?

Director: (As Chad sits up suddenly) Well, to my knowledge, we are right on track to – (Hears phone buzzing and reads a message) Huh.  (To the actors at the table) Well kiddos, word from above says there’s not going to be a movie now since apparently my vision didn’t match their budget.  I call that them being cheapskates rather than me being unable to deal with finances properly, but the bottom line is disappointment to say the least.

Audience and Most of the Cast: Argghhhh…..

Chad: (Stands with arms raised in triumph and runs out stage left) YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Director: (In the ensuing silence) Whelp, at least somebody here got a happy ending out of all this.

Story 392: Pre-Celebrity I.T. Webinar

 (Coworkers stream into a conference room that is set up with rows of tables and computers and a large screen at the front facing them, sitting wherever they find an empty place)

Coworker 1: (Quietly to Coworker 2 as they sign into computers next to each other) I can’t believe they’re making us stay here for an hour and a half – an hour and a half! – to learn about a system we already use.  And I never use it!

Coworker 2: I heard there’re updates and it’s supposed to be easier to use now.

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Please.  Any update is automatically harder, and this whole thing today could’ve been sent to us in two slides.

Coworker 2: (Leans in confidentially) You know what I heard?

Coworker 1: Obviously not.

Coworker 2: They got Ryan in I.T. to do the webinar for this, right before he quit to become Ryan --------, Hollywood Celebrity.

Coworker 1: …So this is pre-recorded?!  Another waste of my time!

Coworker 2: So?  Isn’t it cool we get one last class from Ryan, before, you know, he became Ryan?  He was so funny when I’d get him on the phone with the help desk, and I love him in his new movie!

Coworker 1: (Mutters at the computer screen) I hate that guy.

Coworker 2: Huh?

Coworker 1: He still owes me money for Josie’s retirement gift.

Coworker 2: That was three years ago.

Coworker 1: (Looks at Coworker 2) Yeah, and he thinks I forgot, but I didn’t!  (Back to the screen) I never forget.

Coworker 2: Whatever – I still think this is so cool!

(The course proctor heads over to the main computer by the large screen)

Proctor: Hello everybody, thank you for coming to the training class today, let’s get started.  (While setting up the video to display on the screen) This mandatory class that none of you can wiggle out of taking will show you the new features in the system, but you’re also in for a special treat: this was the last webinar that our very own “star,” Ryan -------- recorded before he left us to embark on a little something called a movie career….

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 3: Yeah Ry-an!

Coworker 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

Proctor: So, without further ado, here’s our local success story giving his contractually obligated training session on “Orders 2.0.”  (Starts the video which shows actions on a computer screen as links are selected and data are entered)

Ryan’s Voice: Welcome everyone, to “Orders 2.0”; I’m Ryan --------, I.T. Specialist, although not for much longer as you may have heard by now, heh-heh-heh.

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 1: [Gags]

Ryan’s Voice: So, after you log into this thing – whoops – (Takes several attempts to log in) too many passwords nowadays, am-I-right?

Attendees: [Loudly laugh]

Coworker 1: For amateurs, maybe!

Ryan’s Voice: (Finally logs in) Right, aaaaand – select this option here for Test Mode, and then enter the code I’m typing now, and that brings you to here.... Still a busy screen, I know, but they’re workin’ on it.

Coworker 4: You’re doing your best, Ryan!

Coworker 1: (Leans toward Coworker 2) They know he can’t hear them, right?

Coworker 2: You just did the same thing a minute ago.

Coworker 1: I – (Closes mouth suddenly in memory and sits back upright)

Ryan’s Voice: OK, so now we’re going to simulate creating an order for an extremely high amount so I can show you the process for big ticket items, something like, I don’t know, how about a pool for the East Quad, sound good?

Attendees: [Cheer, clap, and whistle]

Coworker 5: East Quaaad!

Coworker 1: Weirdos.

Ryan’s Voice: So, that’ll bust the budget and need lots of approvals, and let’s see if we can even find a vendor for it…. (Begins searching the list when a strange ringtone on the video goes off) Huh… shoot, sorry, gotta take this – hello?  Hey Samir, thanks for getting back to me so fast, what’s the offer now?... Twenty million?!  Holy –

Proctor: (Starts advancing the video) I’m so sorry – no one actually watched this beforehand, we just assumed….

Coworker 1: Hey, if he’s got $20 million now then maybe he can cough up 15 bucks to pay what he owes me!

Proctor: – and here should be good.  (Resumes the video)

Ryan’s Voice: – dude, I said, “No nudity” –

Attendees: Whoooooo!!!

Proctor: (Advancing again) Sorry!  Sorry!  (Softly while watching the screen) I am so going to be fired.

Ryan’s Voice: – gotta go, I’m trying to wrap up a webinar I gotta do for work, then I can finally say “Buh-bye” to this dumpster fire of a job –

Coworker 3: Heh, he’s got that right.

Ryan’s Voice: `K, `K, gotta go, bye!... Oh shoot, this thing’s still recording…. Ah, forget it, I’ll just tell `em to edit out 15 minutes.

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) Clearly, he didn’t tell `em.

Ryan’s Voice: Aaaaaaaaaaand.... (The mouse whirls around the screen a while) right, ordering a pool, sweet.  So, you’d select the budget range of, I dunno, $50 grand and up?  Yeah, let’s do that, go all out, why not?

Coworker 4: Livin’ the dream, Ryan!

Attendees: [Cheer]

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) How does one sign an eye roll so that the whole room can see it?

Coworker 2: I think you would just do it.

Coworker 1: Well that’s just limited range.

Coworker 5: Ssh, please?  I can’t hear Ryan!

(Coworker 2 prevents Coworker 1 from lunging over the table at Coworker 5)

Ryan’s Voice: – and you’d have to get approval from everybody all the way up to – (Strange ringtone again) Just a sec…. Hey, Raquel!  Did they send those scripts yet?... I dunno, I took some French in high school so maybe I could learn a made-up language….

Proctor: I’m so sorry – (Goes to advance the video again)

Coworker 6: Wait, I wanna hear if this is for that movie he’s filming now; it’d be so cool if it is!

Proctor: You all have to take an hour and a half for this class, and so far this seems to have about 20 minutes usable material, so, no!

Coworker 1: We won’t tell if you won’t!

Ryan’s Voice: – is it anything like Tolkien’s Elvish stuff, `cause that’d be neat?... More like the Orkish stuff?  Whatever, I’m game –

Proctor: Skip!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – were we?... Approvals, right.  So you enter your department name – (Buzzing sound on the video) …Oh no, they changed the flight to 5 a.m.?  Ooh, first class, not too shabby –

Proctor: Argh!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – worked with Boys & Girls Clubs of America for a while anyway so this’ll be perfect, I can really help out even more now –

Proctor: Ergh! (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – trainer’s coming over tomorrow so she’ll see I can bench almost 300 lbs now –

Attendees: Oooooooh!

Proctor: Grrrrrr…. (Advances 20 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – snowboarding next weekend, I gotta go for real now, `K, bye!... OK!  Soooooo, Approvals.  Right.  Aaaaaand… click here… type this… click “Submit,” and boom.  Pool.  Well, if you get all the approvals, and if they don’t want you to hold a bidding war first, and this still could take months and sometimes years even if everything goes right…. Wow, looks like our hour and a half is up, so that’s it for “Orders 2.0,” Class!  Usually this’d be the time for questions but I was told to record it instead of doing it live in case you all’d start getting, quote-unquote, off-topic; my e-mail account’s gonna be deactivated in about an hour so if you do have any relevant questions, don’t send them to me because as of 3:30 p.m. today, I no longer have to pretend to care about messed-up networks and poorly maintained hardware ever again!  Good luck, it’s been nice working with you all, and see you on the big screen, yay!  (The video ends abruptly)

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 2: Aw, he said it was nice working with us!

Coworker 1: He has to fake-love everyone now – that’s the payment for his new life of glamor.

Proctor: (Quickly shutting down the main computer and the large screen) Once again, I apologize for the lack of applicable content in this video – we’ll send out an e-mail when this class has been rescheduled.

Attendees: [Massive groan]

Coworker 3: Can you e-mail just the audio portion of this one to us?  We wanna hear the rest that we missed.

Proctor: Absolutely not!  (Storms out in a panic to destroy all files of the presentation)

Coworker 2: (As the attendees slowly proceed out of the conference room) That stinks we still have to take the class, but this was pretty fun anyway.

Coworker 1: I guess.  I still hate him, but I have to admire his ability to achieve escape velocity from this gravity well of a company.

Coworker 2: Mighty big of you to say so.

Coworker 1: Yeah… you think he’d give me an autograph?

Story 326: Celebrity Meet-and-Greet-and-Psychoanalyze

            (In the backstage green room for a talk show, that day’s celebrity guest waits for an audience member who had won a pre-show meet-and-greet)

            Celebrity: (Sitting on the couch and talking on the phone) Don’t worry, they screened this one and there’re no prior convictions or arrests…. They also checked her social media and she’s not too far out there…. Well, yeah, she is a bit obsessed but more with my career than with me personally – no worse than some of the others, and at least she hasn’t been hanging around the house peering in the windows, right?... I’m kidding, hon, I know we’re lucky that hasn’t happened yet!... I’ll be fine, Security’s right outside the door if she turns out to be a wild card, but I’m thinking it’ll be a bit of the usual fan-girling, we take some photos, she goes back to her front-row seat out in the audience, and it’s on with the show!... Yes, I’ll make sure to get -----’s autograph for you this time.  (There is knocking on the door) Oh, that’s them, gotta go – love you, bye!  (Disconnects the phone and stands, beaming widely) Come on in!

            (An assistant for the show opens the door and escorts the contest winner inside; an imposing security guard stands discreetly behind them in the corridor)

            Assistant: And here is our winner of the Meet-and-Greet!  (Slightly shoves Fan forward)

            Celebrity: (Shakes Fan’s hand) Welcome!  Lovely to meet you!

            Fan: (Head down, staring at the floor) Hi.

         Celebrity: …So, would you like something to drink, or snack on?  They said we can have anything we like here – coffee, tea, spring water, fall water, heh-heh-heh…?

            Fan: Nothing for me, thank you.

            Celebrity: …Right!  (To Assistant) I think we’re all set here, thanks!

          Assistant: OK; I’ll come back 15 minutes before start time.  (Behind Fan, Assistant mouths “Call us if she gets – ” and mimes going bonkers)

          Celebrity: (Waves off Assistant) That’s fine – thank you!  (Assistant leaves and closes the door; Celebrity looks back at Fan, smiling all the while as Fan still stares at the floor) Well!  Let’s have a seat, shall we?  (Gestures to a chair while sitting on an adjacent one; Fan sits gingerly) So! Congrats on the win – VIP treatment and all that – and so glad you could make it to the show today, I really appreciate you coming out here to support my new movie, especially this one, it was a real passion project.

            Fan: (Still looking down) Oh.  Thank you.  I mean, you’re welcome?

            Celebrity: (Laughs) So, mind if I ask you a few questions?

            Fan: Ummm, me?

          Celebrity: Yeah, mixes things up a little for me, especially right now on the old press tour, know-what-I-mean?

            Fan: Oh, yeah.

            Celebrity: Yeah… so, um, what do you do?  For a living, or just, you know, day-to-day?

            Fan: Oh, uh, I work in I.T.

            Celebrity: Oh, that’s great!

            Fan: It really isn’t.

           Celebrity: Ah.  (Drums fingers on the arm of the chair for a bit) Sorry, I don’t want to make this awkward, but seeing as I’m going to be simultaneously on stage and on screen in about half an hour, and you know how vain we performers all are, could you tell me – (Gestures around head) do I have something on my face that needs tending to?

            Fan: (Split-second peeks) No.

            Celebrity: You sure?  No stray gray hairs or sudden acne or hideous spots that’ll be magnified 1,000% by the cameras?

            Fan: Nope, you're good.

         Celebrity: Well, that’s a relief – it’s just from the way you were avoiding looking at me I thought I had something horrible going on that no one wanted to tell me about.

            Fan: (Finally looks up fully) Oh, sorry – guess I was being rude.

           Celebrity: Not at all!  This whole environment can be a bit nerve-wracking, even if you’re used to it – for instance, I just know I’m going to say something out there that everyone’ll hate me for by tomorrow, so it’s all good.

            Fan: (Solemnly) I would never.

            Celebrity: Oh, cheers.

            Fan: (Sighs) I’m sorry, I’m not being a good guest at all, it’s just….

            Celebrity: (Waits) Go on.

            Fan: Well, it’s – this is embarrassing – I was so excited to meet you today, and really nervous, and then, I had a dream about you last night.

            Celebrity: (Frozen smile and wide eyes) Oh?

            Fan: Oh don’t worry, it wasn’t gross or anything.

            Celebrity: Of course not.

            Fan: It’s just that, you’re an actual human being, not some character, and also you’re married and have kids, and the dream I had of you was really nice, for me, and now I feel like I exploited you or something.

            Celebrity: Oh, no worries; it wasn’t real, you know?

            Fan: I know, but it still feels like I invaded your privacy.

            Celebrity: It can’t have been as bad as all that – what happened, if I may ask?

          Fan: Well, it’s a bit jumbled now – you sure you want to hear someone trying to describe a dream they only half-remember?  I wouldn’t.

            Celebrity: Too late: if I’m starring in it, I have to know what happened.

            Fan: OK, um, it was one of those where you’re in a movie you’ve just seen – I mean, I was in one of your movies, from this year –

           Celebrity: Hang on – I’ve got three movies the studios all released at the same time, so is it the legal drama one or the murder mystery one or the comic superhero one?

            Fan: The comic superhero one.

            Celebrity: Ah, my bread and butter.  Proceed.

           Fan: OK, so I was in it, but not any scene I remember from the movie, just kind of rushing around, and then you were there – well actually, your character was there –

            Celebrity: (Leaning on hand in interest) Of course.

            Fan: And, I forget how, but we wound up sitting on some steps somewhere, and I was hugging you from behind, and then started slowly rocking you back and forth, like I was comforting a child, know what I mean?

            Celebrity: Mm-hm.  And then what?

            Fan: And that’s it.

         Celebrity: That’s it?  That’s not so bad – I’ve heard much worse, believe me.  (Shudders)

          Fan: I guess, but when I woke up all I kept thinking was how it felt nice for me at your expense.

            Celebrity: No worries – I’m fine.

            Fan: I also realized that, if it had been real, or at least a real person, I’d be thinking it felt nice but he’d be thinking, “OK, you can stop now.”

           Celebrity: Well, if anyone thought that then you shouldn’t be wasting your time with them.  Are you in a relationship now where you think they feel that way?

         Fan: No, but I’m afraid of getting stuck in one and not realizing it until way after the resentment’s set in.

            Celebrity: Well, all I can say is, you’ll either meet the love of your life like I did and put up with each other’s peccadillos, or you’ll do just fine on your own.

            Fan: Thanks.  Not to sound like a stalker, but I like how you guys seem to have such a stable life – your family seems awesome.

            Celebrity: They certainly are, which is why I’m seriously considering flying back home after the show today and skipping out on the rest of the press tour, I miss them so much.

            Fan: Good for you!  I hardly watch these things myself – I’m gonna go see the movie anyway, so why bother with all this extra advertising?

            Celebrity: That’s what I said!

            (Knock on the door, then Assistant enters)

            Assistant: Fifteen minutes!  (Mouths to Celebrity “Need the cops?”)

            Celebrity: Thank you, be right out!  (Assistant leaves; Celebrity and Fan stand) So, our time’s unfortunately up – wait a minute, I forgot to ask if you wanted any swag from the movie that I can sign for you, shoot!  (Starts frantically going through a case of tie-in merchandise and tossing items onto the couch)

            Fan: It’s OK, I don’t need any of that – I don’t even need the photo with you.

            Celebrity: Huh?

            Fan: This whole situation got me thinking: it’s really unfair that you’re made to feel like you owe people forced interactions, when it should be that you do your performance, we pay you to watch it, The End.  Instead you also have to do stuff like this, make small talk with randos who’ve dug up a lot more of your personal information than you’ll ever learn about us, which puts you at an extreme disadvantage in almost every conversation and makes you have to be polite and pleasant and “on,” all the time, even to people who are being extremely rude and inconveniencing you and your family and friends.

            Celebrity: Oh.  Well, it is part of the job when you start making an extremely large amount of money.  I don’t mind.

            Fan: Is it?  And don’t you?  I mean, it must be weird going from just being known by your small inner circle to total strangers stopping you everywhere so you can’t even go out to dinner anymore.  I’d feel penned-in, and scared some psycho’d think they were in love with me and owned my life when they hadn’t even known my name a few years ago.  And all because you’re an entertainer and like to make people laugh, and cry, and think, and try to make the world just a little bit better.

            Celebrity: (Near tears) Finally!  Someone who gets it!