Story 620: Awkward Film Premiere

             (On a living room couch, Fan is stretched out petting a tiny sleeping cat curled up next a leg while talking on the phone)

Fan: Sure, I think he was a great child actor, and he’s gotten even better as he’s gotten older, but I also just can’t bring myself to see his new movie.

Friend: (Also on a living room couch, stretched out petting a giant sleeping dog lying across the entire body while talking on the phone) Why not?  You’ve see practically all his other stuff, and I hear this one’s getting rave reviews so far and it hasn’t even officially been released yet.

Fan: Oh, yeah, I bet it’s great, it’ll probably sweep all the awards and go down in film history as one of the all-time classics, but there’s one sticking point that I just can’t get past.

Friend: And that is?

Fan: It was gleefully blasted online about a year ago that he’s got at least three, shall we say, adult scenes in this, and from what I’ve heard, they’re very adult.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, we’ve gone beyond an R rating and are now in NC-17 territory.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, full frontal and everything that goes with it.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: You’re not realizing the problem with this?

Friend: Well, we’re all supposedly mature grown-ups here, and I know you’ve seen movies with that kind of material before, so what’s the issue?

Fan: The issue is, I’ve seen him on-screen since he was 7 years old!

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: I was 21 when his first film came out!  Even saying that out loud feels like a crime!

Friend: Oh relax, he’s a grown man now; if he wants to expose himself to the entire world, I say, more power to him.

Fan: And that’s fine, it just doesn’t feel right for me to be in the audience when he does it!

Friend: Whatever: I’ve seen him in the same movies you have and have no problem with it, so I’m going opening weekend and will let you know all about the fantastic cinematic experience you’re missing.

Fan: Great: have a wonderful time, pervert.

Friend: Weirdo.

(They both end the call simultaneously)

Fan: (Is tapped on the face by the now-awake cat) Oh, sorry there, bud – got distracted by a decency dilemma.  (Rubs the cats’ ears and checks e-mails on the phone as the latter falls asleep again; leans forward when reading one particular message)

E-mail Message: “CONGRATULATIONS!  You have been selected in the recent drawing to see ------ ---------’s new film, Torrid Torments!  Prize includes an all-expenses-paid trip to the New York premiere; front row seat to the film; and a pre-premiere meet-and-greet with ------ --------- himself!”

Fan: (In quiet horror) Ohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooo…. Wait a minute, I shouldn’t stress over what’s clearly a scam.  (Takes an hour to verify the message’s authenticity) Nope: I entered this drawing, all right.  Why on Earth would I do that?!  (Calls Friend and relays the message)

Friend: (Petting the giant dog now draped across the chest) What do you mean, you’re not going?!  All expenses paid, you fool!

Fan: I know, that’s probably why I entered in the first place without paying attention to the movie title, but were you not listening to what we were just talking about earlier?!

Friend: I was, and if it were me I still wouldn’t care!  Airfare – hotel – meals – front-row seat – MEET-AND-GREET!  I wouldn’t care if this was for the worst film of all time – if you turn this down, I will never forgive you for depriving me of the opportunity to live it vicariously!

Fan: (Sighs while absentmindedly rubbing the swooning cat’s belly) Well, I guess when you put it that way –

Friend: Yes!  When you get there, can you ask ------ what it was like being naked in front of 50 crew members?

Fan: Ewwwwwww!!!!

Friend: Kidding, I’m kidding!  Seriously, though: could you promise not to tell anyone else and then ask if he gets a secret thrill from this kind of attention?... Hello? 

SEVERAL MONTHS LATER 

(In the film premiere venue, Fan is dressed up in business casual and seated at a table waiting in a small meeting room with a studio representative)

Studio Representative: (After checking a phone) OK, just got the word that ------’ll be here in about a minute – nervous?

Fan: (Slowly tearing a napkin to shreds) Not quite the word for it, but yeah.

(Celebrity and entourage suddenly enter the room; Fan and Studio Representative stand)

Celebrity: (Approaches Fan, smiling broadly and hand outstretched) Hello, Contest Winner!  Congratulations on your well-deserved prize!

Fan: (Averting eyes as they shake hands) Thanks – nice to meet you.

Celebrity: Nice to meet you as well!  (Rubs hands together briskly) So!  Are they treating you all right?  Flight, hotel, this place – everything good so far?

Fan: (Still not looking Celebrity in the eye) Oh yes, everything has been lovely, thank you.

Celebrity: Perfect!  (Checks a watch) Well, we’ve got almost an hour before we need to get to our seats for the main event, so until then, I’m all yours!

Fan: (In a small voice) Yay….

Celebrity: (To one member of the entourage) Could you bring us some waters and snacks, please?  (The entourage member nods and leaves; Celebrity turns back to Fan and gestures to a couch) Let’s have a seat, shall we?

Fan: Sure….

(They sit on opposite ends of the small couch; Celebrity leans against the back as Fan sits stiffly straight; the rest of the entourage mills about on phones or chat with each other in chairs while security personnel station themselves by the couch and door)

Celebrity: So!  This your first time in New York City?

Fan: (Staring at the floor) No.

Celebrity: Ah.

Fan: (Looks at a wall near Celebrity’s head) I’ve been here a few times, to see shows and… the Library and… all that.

Celebrity: Oh, how nice!  I’ve been here before too, but always for film premieres so I never get to do much else.

Fan: Oh, that… stinks.

Celebrity: A little, but one of these days I’m sure I’ll get to be an actual tourist and see a show or… the Library.

Fan: Yeah.

Celebrity: …So!  What are your feelings about the film?

Fan: Um…..

Celebrity: I know: words can’t begin to describe the anticipation we all feel about it!  I really think this is the best work I’ve ever done, to be honest – (Leans toward Fan confidentially) I’ve been told that I may need to start the ol’ campaign once the film’s officially released, which is, you know, pretty flattering.  (Leans back, smiling excitedly)

Fan: (Brow furrowed in confusion, finally looks at Celebrity) Campaign… for office?

Celebrity: Awards.

Fan: Oh!  Right… yeah, I’m sure you’ll be nominated for all of them after this.

Celebrity: (Laughs self-deprecatingly) Well, who knows, right?  Either way, I don’t mind admitting that I’m a little nervous for today, especially how all the… well, you know… mature scenes will be received.

Fan: (Back to staring at the floor) Oh, I bet.

Celebrity: It’s funny, I’ve been in this business for decades, I’ve done all sorts of roles in all sorts of films, but the moment word gets out that I’m doing nudity for the first time, everyone loses their minds and reverts back to me being a kid again!  “Oh, little ------, is he trying to convince us he’s a big boy now?”  I’m in my 30s, for crying out loud!

Fan: (Wipes a sweaty temple) Mm-hm.

Celebrity: If I want to expose myself to the entire world, then by golly, I think I’ve earned the right to do so at this point in my career!  In fact, I think I’m long overdue!

Fan: (Examining a nonexistent hangnail) Yep.

Celebrity: (Stares at Fan for a moment, then suddenly scootches a little closer on the couch) Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize – does all that actually make you uncomfortable?

Fan: (Nods rapidly while looking back at the floor) A tad.  I was an adult when I saw your very first film, so this is all a bit… awkward for me.

Celebrity: Oh my.  I never thought about it that way; I thought everyone was just being stuck-up prudes.

Fan: There’s some of that in this, too.

Celebrity: Wow.  (Entourage member returns with water bottles and granola bars and hands them to Celebrity and Fan) Thanks.

Fan: Thank you.  (Immediately gulps down the water)

Celebrity: (To Fan) But you understand why I did those scenes in the film, right?  They’re not gratuitous, or for some cheap thrill – they are absolutely vital for the character I’m playing.

Fan: (After another gulp) I’m sure they are.

Celebrity: (Starts gesturing emphatically) It’ll all become clear when you see the entire work: the character’s arc, the progression from degradation into further and further depravity, the cinematography, the musical score, the sound effects – they all lead to these scenes of extreme joy, or extreme melancholy, depending on your interpretation.

Fan: I know, it’s just… (Looks at Celebrity again) Did you have to be completely naked to convey all that?!

Celebrity: (Blinks) Yes.  It’s all in the service of the art we’re creating here.  That’s the character’s ultimate transformation: (Leans in intensely) he bares his soul when he bares it all.

Fan: (Tries to smile, and nods) Got it.  (Finishes off the water)

Celebrity: (Leans back against the couch and smiles again) I’m glad.  Can’t wait until we see it all together!  But not “in the altogether,” am-I-right?  (Laughs nervously)

Fan: (Rips into the granola bar and bites off half of it) Yep, can’t wait. 

ONE HOUR LATER

(In the auditorium, Fan and Celebrity sit together in the front row, enraptured by the film)

Celebrity: (Leans over to whisper in Fan’s ear) What do you think so far?

Fan: (Not looking away from the screen, whispers back) It’s… really good.  You did a great job, and so did everyone else involved with this.  It’s absolutely mesmerizing.

Celebrity: (Blushes) Aw, thank you!  There’s no “I” in “Team”!  (They watch the film for a few more moments) Just wanted to let you know the first of those scenes is coming up now.

Fan: (Still watching the screen) Hm?  (The soundtrack changes the mood, along with the scene) Oh – oh my –

Celebrity: (Almost giddy while watching the screen) So nervous!

Fan: (As the scene progresses, tilts head down slightly and holds one hand perpendicular to the forehead) Um-hm.

Celebrity: (Looks over to Fan and whispers sharply) What are you doing?!  You can’t miss this now – I did six months of squats to get those glutes!

Fan: (Nods while still not looking up) And I can imagine that they were worth it.  (Actors on screen start getting more vocal) Hmmmmm…..

Audience Members: (Sitting behind Fan) Sssshhhh!!

Fan: (Whispers back without looking up) Sorry.  (Sinks lower in the seat)

Celebrity: (Disappointedly whispers to Fan) Well, you can bring yourself to watch the screen again, the scene’s over now – I’ll warn you when the other ones come up.

Fan: (Resumes previous upright position) Thanks – you’re a pal. 

TWO HOURS LATER 

(The lights in the auditorium come back on as the film ends and the audience members give a standing ovation; Celebrity, cast members, and other filmmakers in the first few rows stand to smile and wave at everyone, then sit back down as the director and producers approach the stage to give a speech)

Fan: (To Celebrity as the audience members also sit back down, most still applauding) I have to say, that was incredible!

Celebrity: (Smiles in relief) You really think so?

Fan: Yes!  You were right, I think this is the best work you’ve ever done!  And the other actors and the crew all were great – if the movie doesn’t get at least one award next season, then the whole thing’s a sham.

Celebrity: Wow, thank you so much!  It is extremely reassuring to hear such complimentary feedback; I appreciate it greatly, and I’ll let the others know, too!

Fan: (Smiling) Cool, thanks!

Celebrity: (Facing the stage again while the remaining applause fades out in anticipation of the speeches) And by the way, I have to say, you also were right.

Fan: (Also facing the stage again) Hm?  How so?

Celebrity: …Could’ve done without the nudity.

Story 591: The Downsides of Dating a Celebrity

 [Disclaimer: This is definitely not inspired by a true story; just a “What If?”]

(At a happening club in a major city, Fan and Friend stand on the fringes of a packed dance floor, taking in the frenetically swaying crowd, the dim swirling lights, and the pulse-pounding music)

Fan: (Looking like a typical nerd with glasses, ponytail, and non-club clothing; yells in Friend’s ear to be heard) I can’t believe I’m really here!  Thank you so much for inviting me to come along – this is gonna be the best night of my life!

Friend: (Dressed for the nightlife; sips from a drink before yelling back) No sweat!  Who knew working hundreds of hours as an unpaid intern in a dead-end career would mildly pay off, so I figured, share the joy when I can, know-what-I-mean?

Fan: Yes, this is awesome!  I never get to go anywhere exciting like this – it’s so much fun!

Friend: Yeah, and on top of that you may get to finally meet your #1 celebrity crush any minute now!  (Checks watch) Yep, he’s late as usual – he thinks it adds to his allure, but then he winds up getting stuck in traffic and it just makes him even later!

Fan: Oh yeah, that!  It’ll be nice just to see him sort-of in-person across the room, late or not!  Who knows, maybe he’ll even see me wave!

Friend: Oh yes, please do restrain yourself!  (They both laugh) Seriously though, I can try to get you close enough for an autograph, and you might even get to say “Hi” if you’re lucky!

Fan: Oh, thanks, but I don’t think I’m brave enough for that!  I’d probably stutter even on the one word!

Friend: Yeah, he has that effect on pretty much everyone these days!  I still can’t see it myself: he’s always been polite the few times we’ve interacted, but other than good looks and charm and that certain something, I really don’t get the appeal!  (Takes another sip)

Fan: I can’t explain it either – (Eyes suddenly widening in glee, she starts moderately hopping up-and-down and pointing at the club entrance while grasping Friend’s shoulder with the other hand; the clubgoers all go bonkers in that direction) Ooh!  Ooh!  There he is, he’s here!

(The clubgoers swam toward the entrance as Celebrity arrives with an entourage; security staff members manage the crowd as the group makes its way through the club)

Celebrity: (Wearing sunglasses and smiling broadly at everyone, shaking random hands and scribbling autographs on held-out photos, T-shirts, and cocktail napkins) Hello everyone!  Hi!  Yes!  Thank you!  Great to see you all!  I failed penmanship in school but no one cares!  This is the best party ever!

Clubgoer: (Toward the back of the crowd) I LOVE YOU!

Celebrity: Yes, I love you all, too!  (The crowd roars in happiness) Now: let’s boogie all!  Night!  Long!  (Dances surrounded by cheering clubgoers as security staff members run interference)

Friend: (To Fan) You sure you don’t want to try getting a little closer?  You just might be able to see the perspiration, and maybe even hear the hyperventilation!

Fan: (With hands clasped in front of her chest, watching Celebrity in muted awe) No, thank you!  This is enough.

Friend: Whelp, at least we got in for free, if nothing else!  (Finishes the drink and gestures at a passing server to request another one) I’ll be right back – need a refill!

Fan: (Nods without looking away from Celebrity) Uh-huh; have fun!

Friend: …Yeah, OK!  (Follows server to get a new drink)

(During the ongoing dance, Fan continues to watch Celebrity with a soft smile on her face.  In mid-move, Celebrity spins around and suddenly freezes on seeing Fan.  He whips off his sunglasses as he and Fan lock eyes for several long moments while time briefly stops for both.  They stare at each other in a perfect moment as the club disappears around them, until Celebrity pockets the sunglasses and urgently makes his way through the crowd to Fan, with security staff members flanking him)

Fan: (In a small voice as Celebrity quickly approaches) Is he actually coming this way…?  (Lowers hands)

Celebrity: (Stops breathlessly in front of Fan) Hi!

Fan: (Squeaks out) Hi!

Celebrity: I’m ------!

Fan: (Beaming brightly as security staff members unobtrusively run a metal detector wand around her and scan her face and fingerprints to run a background check) Yes, I know!  I’m --------!

Celebrity: (Appearing amazed) It’s really you, then!

Fan: (Looks uncertainly from side-to-side, still smiling at Celebrity) It sure is!

Celebrity: (Shakes head quickly to clear it) I mean, it’s you: The One I’ve Been Waiting For All My Life!

Fan: Oh, right!  (Laughs nervously, then stops smiling) For real?

Celebrity: (Smiling ecstatically) Yes!  I knew I would know the moment I saw you that you were The One, and here you are at last, after all my years of loneliness and searching!

Fan: (Starts smiling again) Oh!  Yes, well, here I am!  It’s so nice to meet you!  In person, that is – of course I’ve seen all your movies and that one TV show you did when you were a teenager!  Not that I’m obsessed or anything!  (Holds her arms straight out as a security staff member gives her a brief pat down)  Anyway, nice to meet you, in real life!

Celebrity: Oh, --------!  (Laughs, then leans in intensely) This is more than nice.

Fan: (Almost hypnotized by the stare) Wow.

(Security staff members give thumbs-up to Celebrity, who barely notices)

Celebrity: (Holds out a hand to Fan) Shall we waltz?

Fan: (Taking his hand) Oh, well actually, this music seems to be more of the mosh-pit variety –

Celebrity: (Chuckles, sweeping Fan out onto the dance floor and then pulling her in close) I’m sure there’s an orchestra playing somewhere.

Fan: Oh my.

(Oblivious to the high-decibel instrumentation and the confused and jealous clubgoers all around them, Celebrity and Fan stare deeply into each other’s eyes as the sway and somewhat dance to the music in their heads; both mentally latch onto “The Blue Danube” since that is the only waltz they know.  The clubgoers eventually go back to dancing or filming the two as security staff members follow them around the dance floor to maintain a perimeter of semi-privacy.  Celebrity and Fan dance for a few minutes of imaginary paradise, smiling wider and wider with each passing moment.  Eventually, they gradually slow down to a stop, and then there is that hesitation which just may lead to a kiss….)

Celebrity: So, I’m flying out to Paris in the morning.

Fan: (Shakes herself out of the reverie) Oh.  Really?

Celebrity: Yeah, it’s this new movie I’m working on; you probably heard about it by now – one of those blockbusters that takes place in about 20 different counties, so we all have to actually go out and film in 20 different countries; that whole thing.

Fan: Oh, my.

Celebrity: Yeah, it’s a real drag.  (Shakes hair in emphasis on the last two words) I mean, in this day and age, we’ve got CGI, we’ve got stock footage, we’ve got sets – no one would ever really know we’re not really saying our lines in Rome or Fiji or Tokyo or wherever, you know?

Fan: Tokyo?

Celebrity: Yeah, but it’s all part of the gig, I get it – we all gotta do our part and make the sacrifice for our job – art! – or whatever, right?

Fan: Oh yes, make the sacrifice….

Celebrity: (Takes Fan’s hand again and gazes intensely into her eyes once more) Anyway, what I wanted to ask, my darling –

Fan: (Leans in, almost swooning) Yes?

Celebrity: Would you like to… tag along?

Fan: …What?

Celebrity: I’m sure I could smuggle you onto the payroll as another “assistant” – (Does the air quotes) the world would know the truth, but there’s nothing they could do about it and we wouldn’t care about them, would we, my angel?

Fan: Um… well….

Celebrity: (Briefly sweeps away dramatically) Oh yes, I’m sure you have… family, or… a job, or… something, BUT – (Leans in closer for emphasis) when the Universe finally has the chips falling our way, do you really want to walk away without opening that door, hm?

Fan: (Confused by the mixed metaphors) Um….

Celebrity: (Suddenly concerned) Your passport’s in order and everything, right?  (Fan nods her head) No criminal record that I should know about, right?  (Fan shakes her head) Great!  (Now holding Fan’s hand with both of his own) Say you’ll come with, my dearest, my love, my soul’s other half!  I don’t think I could bear being parted from you for even a day – I don’t care what everyone says, video conferencing isn’t the same, it just isn’t!

Fan: (Looks up to think) Well….

Celebrity: (Falls to his knees) Yes?

Fan: (Looks back down at Celebrity) Well… if this is Fate, then I’m all in!

Celebrity: Yes!  (Stands back up and hugs Fan, lifting her up to spin her around then sets her back down) I’ll call my agent to book everything for you now!  (Slightly turns away to pull out a cellphone and makes the call)

Fan: (Smiling in bliss, turns around and sees Friend) Oh.  Hi there!

Friend: (Holding a new drink and staring at Fan in disbelief) Yeah… hi... what was that all about?

Fan: (Comes a few steps closer) So, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m going to Paris tomorrow, hee-hee-hee!

Friend: Uh-huh.

Fan: With ------ -----!  (Almost squeals in delight)

Friend: Uh-huh.

Fan: Ooh, are you gonna be there, too?!  That would be great if we could all go together, it’d be so much fun!

Friend: No, the nonexistent budget for my position doesn’t cover international film shoots; I just work in the local office.

Fan: Aw, too bad.  I’ll make sure to write you, though!

Friend: Yeah, about that: do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?!

Fan: …A plane?

Friend: No, doofus: you’re going to another country with a stranger!  And not just any stranger – a stranger whose every move is followed by the entire world!

Fan: Pff, he’s not a stranger, he’s ------ -----; everyone knows him, and no real dirt’s been turned up on him – yet.

Friend: Yeah, but you don’t know him, not really!  You literally just met him tonight, and this is all his – (Sweeps arms in the general direction of Celebrity) Public Persona, carefully cultivated and maintained for years to the point where he can’t turn it off anymore!  Even I’ve never seen him just be himself, and I’ve worked with him for months!

Fan: Well, it turns out that he’s my The One, and I’m his The One, and neither you nor any of our inevitable naysayers can do anything to thwart our love!

Friend: Love?!  Does he even know your name?!

Fan: Of course he – !  (Thinks for a few moments) Yes!  Yes, I told him!  (Quietly to self) Whew.

Friend: Oh, well, that’s a relief; for a moment there I was worried, but now I know everything will go swimmingly!

Fan: You’re just jealous!

Friend: Of what, the disaster you’re setting yourselves up for, or the paparazzi who’ll be your new best friends?!

Fan: Of OUR LOVE!

Friend: You know, I think you both actually believe that’s what this is.

Fan: (Raises head in injured dignity) One day, you’ll regret everything you’ve said here after we’ve shown how wrong you are, you –

Celebrity: (Holding the phone against his shoulder) `Scuse me, hon – (Fan turns to Celebrity) sorry to interrupt, but my agent’s ordering the plane ticket now and is asking: how do you spell your name?

Fan: (Icily turns back to Friend) I’ll be back in a minute.  If you’re gone by the time we’re done, I’ll make sure to find a spare moment to call you from France.  (Turns back to Celebrity and they walk away from Friend, arms around each other’s shoulders and heads touching)

Friend: (Sarcastically shouting after them) Yeah, yeah – say “Hi” to the Eiffel Tower for me!

THREE MONTHS LATER

(A large crowd has gathered at the front entrance of a hospital, with police and security officers maintaining control.  Their volume and activity increase when a car parks in the employee lot and Fan emerges, hurrying through with officers’ assistance as photos are taken, signs are shaken, and questions are shouted at her)

Crowd Member 1: --------!  Is it true you and ------ ----- secretly got married while he was filming in Reykjavík this year?!

Crowd Member 2: -------!  Is it true that you’re secretly pregnant with ------ -----‘s decuplets?!

Fan: (Turns slightly at that one while still walking) What?!  Is that even physically possible?

Crowd Member 3: --------!  Is it true you were abducted by extraterrestrials 10 years ago and now are trying to get ------ ----- abducted as well?!

Fan: (Not turning back) I can’t believe that one’s still going around.

Crowd Member 4: Will you be his quote-unquote assistant forever?!

Crowd Member 5: What about the fraud charges he’s currently under investigation for?!

Crowd Member 6: What about the fraud charges you also may be currently under investigation for?!

Crowd Member 7: Does your “D” in high school Chemistry affect his estimation of you as a suitable life partner?!

Crowd Member 8: Does he know about that shoplifting incident when you were 7?!

Crowd Member 9: Do you know about his shoplifting incident when he was 27?!

Crowd Member 10: Do you know he has a step-father?!

Crowd Member 11: Does he know you have a half-sister?!

Crowd Member 12: Do you know that he may have a love child or children?!

Crowd Member 13: Do you have a love child?!

Crowd Member 14: Are you his love child?!

Fan: (Stops at the hospital’s front doors, then slowly turns around to face the crowd) Listen: I’ve put up with being followed all around the world, and then at the grocery store and while getting a haircut when I got back home, but today is my first day back at work after being on leave, so if you’ll excuse me, I have to go in there and save some lives today!

Crowd Member 15: Ha!  We all know you’re just an administrative assistant!

Fan: Rude.

Crowd Member 16: (To Crowd Member 15) Yeah, she’s on the front lines with everyone else there – she’s a healthcare hero!

Fan: (Smooths hair back a bit) Well, I wouldn’t say “hero” exactly –

Crowd Member 15: (To Crowd Member 16) She’s at the back of the front lines and supports the actual heroes!  She’s got borrowed glory!

Crowd Member 16: She provides vital support, which is more than you’ve ever done with your life!

(They start whacking each other with their signs; the rest of the crowd joins in the fray as Fan rushes into the hospital and up to her department’s office)

Manager: (Seated at a desk, looks up from a computer as Fan hurries in through the door) Hey, look who’s back!  I thought you said you were coming in next week?

Fan: (Dumping personal bags onto a dusty desk) Yeah, well, I was hoping to head off the crowds, but I forgot they know everything about everyone so that failed spectacularly.

Manager: (Goes over to a window and peers down at the front entrance of the building) Ooh, yeah, see what you mean.

Fan: (Sits at the desk and starts up the computer as Manager returns to the other desk) So, thanks again for letting me take all this time off with… no real notice.

Manager: Not at all!  You had a lot of vacation time backed up, and we managed; this also has been the most exciting thing to happen here in years, so I do expect to hear all about it at some point.

Fan: (Smiles) I’ll type up a report just for you.

Manager: (Starts typing) Awesome.  Also, I’d already sent a memo out to the team that they’d better leave you alone when you came back, so I’ll just send a notice that it’s effective immediately instead of next Monday.

Fan: (Looks over at a door with a window, sees team members standing on the other side smiling and waving, and smiles and waves back) Thanks – appreciate it.

Manager: (After sending the e-mail, goes to Fan’s desk as the latter wipes down the computer) Sooo….

Fan: (Looks up at Manager) Yep?

Manager: (Trying to contain excitement) What was it like?!

Fan: What, the professional and amateur stalking or the permanent jet lag?

Manager: Well, those, and, you know – (Sits on the edge of the desk) finding out your celebrity crush was also your soulmate?

Fan: Oh.  That.  Not all it’s cracked up to be.  (Picks up the ringing desk phone)

Manager: (Goes back to desk) Oh.  No hope for the rest of us, then.

Fan: Laboratory, this is --------, how may I help you?

Crowd Member 17: (On the phone) Is it true you work there just to get ------ ----- a regular blood supply so that he can remain forever young?!  (Fan hangs up the phone)

Manager: Did you at least have fun visiting all those different countries?

Fan: (Scrolls through thousands of unread e-mails) Yes, those were all great, everyone who wasn’t harassing us was lovely.  (Turns to Manager) You know when you want something so badly for so long, and then one day you improbably get it, but then it turns out to be not as fulfilling as you’d dreamed it would be?

Manager: (Nods) Every day.

Fan: (Hears her cell phone ringing, then checks the caller ID and slumps) Oh no.

Manager: Ooh, is it him?

Fan: (Reaches toward the screen) I’ll call back later –

Manager: No-no-no, answer it now – use the break room, it’s empty and I won’t let anyone in!  Or listen.  (Puts on a pair of headphones)

Fan: (Stands and goes to the break room) Thanks a lot, really.  (Enters and closes the door)

Manager: (Returns to working on the computer) Sometimes, I wish I was nosy.

Fan: (Answers the call, tiredly) Hi!

Celebrity: (On a sound stage; film crew members and actors bustle all around him) Hi!  How’s your first day back at the old salt mines, heh-heh-heh?

Fan: Well, I just realized that I forgot to put on an away message, but I think everyone figured it out after the first few weeks.

Celebrity Ugh, work e-mail, what a drag, am-I-right?

Fan: …Yeah.

Celebrity: So, sorry to bother you with this while you’re doing work things, but I didn’t want to forget later: I know I said I was going to take you out for your birthday this week, and finally meet your parents and all that home stuff –

Fan: (Gritted teeth) Yes?

Celebrity: BUT, turns out my P.R. people added another stop on the obligatory press junket, so now I have to be a guest on yet another late-night show that same day, and since it’s a three-hour flight both ways –

Fan: I got it.  Maybe next week, then.

Celebrity: Yeah, that’s the thing: we’re starting rehearsals on my next film on Monday, and it’s also tech week for my Broadway debut, and both productions so kindly rearranged their schedules so I could do each, and my current film’s wrapping up production today but the studio’s threatening reshoots and you know how that goes –

Fan: (Briefly closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose) Fine, forget the birthday.

Celebrity: You sure?  I always forget mine, so I’m never certain how other people feel about theirs.

Fan: …So when do you think we can meet up again?

Celebrity: Hold on, let me check – (Scrolls through his phone for a few moments, then gets back on the call) Great: I have a few hours open on February 25!

Fan: (Stares out blankly) February 25.

Celebrity: Uh-huh!

Fan: Of next year.

Celebrity: …Uh-huh!  Want me to put it on the calendar so I don’t accidentally book something else in the meantime?

Fan: …No, I think I’ll pass.

Celebrity: Oh.  Maybe March, then?

Fan: You know, after the first day of our… relationship, I barely saw you for more than five minutes at a time, and we were always rushing off somewhere to do something that we never really got to know each other, you know?

Celebrity: What’s there to know?  We’re each other’s The One!

Fan: Yeah, that’s fine for a hot minute, but I need something more substantial for the rest of my life.  Plus it’s a bit hard to connect with you when everyone else is trying to connect with you, too – I should know, since I was one of those “everyone else.”

Celebrity: Bah, I hardly notice them anymore now that you’re here!  (Fan double-takes) And I know, I’m sorry I’m all work-work-work lately – my life didn’t used to be like that until I made it big, and now I’ve got all these projects going on that I can’t pass up opportunities or else they’ll stop coming and then I’ll never be able to find work in the business again, but everything’ll slow down in a few decades, I promise!

Fan: OK.

Celebrity: OK?

Fan: Yes – call me when everything’s slowed down in a few decades, OK?

Celebrity: (Crestfallen) Oh.

Fan: But don’t worry: I’m sure you’ll find someone right away who’ll have your love children or just go out on dates or whatever in your extremely limited spare time.

Celebrity: You were the first person I ever dated!

Fan: No way, really?

Celebrity: Yes!  I’m sure you remember I used to say in all my interviews that I was waiting for The One, and I was, and The One was you!

Fan: Oh.  I thought you exaggerating to look adorable.

Celebrity: I would never!

Fan: Oh.  Well, that’s flattering.  I guess, then… think of this as a learning experience.

Celebrity: Wait, is that it, then?  We’re going to scorn the Will of Fate, and never see each other ever again for the rest of our lives?!

Fan: Well, I’ll certainly see you on the big screen, buddy!

Celebrity: (Sadly) And I’ll see you in my dreams.  (Ends the call and slowly sits on the floor, staring out into the distance)

Fan: (Looks at the phone’s screen and sees the disconnected call) Aw, why’d he have to go and say a thing like that?  (Goes back into the office and sits at her desk)

Manager: (Removes the headphones) So?  Everything good?

Fan: No, actually: we just broke up.

Manager: What?!  Really?!  Maybe it’s not so final – maybe you two just need a little break from all the whirlwind you’ve been through, that’s all.

Fan: Our entire time together was pretty much a break: I basically followed him around and we occasionally got to eat at the same table in a restaurant or have our picture taken next to each other for five seconds.

Manager: Oh.  So pretty much most of the cons and few of the pros of being a celebrity, huh?

Fan: Pretty much.

Manager: Who knows: maybe he’ll try to win you back or something.

Fan: (Hears noises outside and goes to the window to see that the crowd in front of the hospital is leaving) Nope – the public has decreed that it’s over, so it must be over then.

Manager: They’re gone?  Good – for you, and, on a selfish note, some corporate VPs are coming for our quarterly meeting today, so them seeing that mess out front would’ve been really embarrassing.

Fan: That meeting’s today?  Oops.  (Her cell phone rings again)

Manager: (Puts the headphones back on) Take it – hardly any work is getting done here right now, so I’m just rolling with it.

Fan: Thanks.  (Checks the caller ID, raises an eyebrow, and goes back into the break room but does not bother closing the door) Hey!

Friend: (Seated at a desk in an office) Hey: I heard you and ------ ----- just broke up.

Fan: Of course; the whole world has heard by now, I suppose.

Friend: You suppose correctly.  Sorry to hear it.

Fan: Really?  I thought you saw the whole thing as stupid and fake.

Friend: I did, but I’m still sorry you had to go through all that and still not get the guy in the end or whatever.

Fan: Thank you.  It really is all for the best, though.

Friend: So he wasn’t The One after all that, huh.

Fan: It seems not, but at the time I could have sworn he was.  It’s strange: I had liked him from afar for so long, but your opinion of someone really does change once you see their personal hygiene habits.  Also, when you hardly see them at all, it makes you wonder: what’s the point?

Friend: And that’s why I willingly remain single to this day.

Fan: Yeah.  And on top of everything else, I don’t think I can ever watch him on-screen in the same way again after this.  Lesson learned, I guess.

Friend: So I take it that if you had to do it all over again, you would’ve turned him down and avoided the drama and heartache?

Fan: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Story 515: Fame Without Celebrity

             (In a lecture hall at a convention center, a session begins that will feature the stars of an upcoming blockbuster film)

Director: (Standing on a stage next to a long table with microphones and nameplates at intervals for each chair and addressing the audience) Hello, nerds!

Audience: (Applauding wildly) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Director: Thank you for spending your hard-earned or nonexistent money to come here today and listen to us tease a movie that’ll premier at least a year from now, if we’re lucky.

Audience: (Applauding wildly again) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Director: And now, without further ado, here are the stars you’ve all come to see!  (Flings out the arm not holding the microphone toward stage left, where several actors enter smiling and waving at the audience and then sit at table with their matching nameplate)

Audience: (Now standing while applauding wildly) WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

(One actor, whose chair is at the exact center of the table, enters last wearing a cap with his head tucked down and not smiling or waving as he zooms straight to the seat and sits in a slouch, hands folded in his lap and not looking up)

Director: (Smiling fondly at the group) My shining film family: what a journey we’ve taken, what adventures we’ve shared, what stories we have to tell.  Forever friendships made through our shared journey… (Almost all the actors at the table nod in agreement) that’ll end with us probably never seeing each other again after we finish the publicity tour.  Now – (To the audience) where’s our first question for our lil’ gang here?  (Sees a crew member bring a microphone to an audience member) Yes, you first – hi!

Audience Member 1: Hi!  (Points to the actor seated at the center of the table) My question is for Chad right there, who seems to be hiding from us; hiiiiiii Chaaaaad!

Chad: (Lifts head up slightly) Hi.  (Heads goes back down)

Audience Member 1: So, my question is, how does it feel to be suddenly thrust into superstardom when you landed the lead role in this humongous film that millions of fans of the franchise have been begging to see for literally decades?!

Audience: Squeeeeeee!!!!!

Chad: (Looks up slightly) How… does it feel?

Audience Member 1: Yes, especially since you’ve been in the industry for a while in only supporting roles, and now, all at once, you are IT!

Director: (Applauding with the audience and co-stars) Yeah, Chad!  I had final say on casting him, by the way.

Chad: (Thinks for a few moments) Well… it feels....

Director: (As the moments stretch into uncomfortable silence) Pretty cool, I bet, right?

Audience: Ahahahahahaha!

Chad: Actually, the whole thing kind of stinks.

Audience: Ahahaha – ha?

Chad: (Leans forward to speak more into the table microphone) I mean, I liked my career – my life – the way it was: it was steady work and I could go out and do pretty much whatever I wanted.  When I got this role, I figured, “Sure, whatever, bump in pay, right?”  Little did I know, I was signing an invisible contract that meant life as I knew it was now over!

Director: Heh-heh; oh Chad, we all know the perils of fame –

Chad: (To Director) Do we?!  I only auditioned for the part because my now-former agent swore to me that the film’s budget was so big it would never see the light of day, and this just would keep me employed until the next Broadway audition season started!

Director: Uh, Chad, maybe don’t mention the budget –

Chad: (Back to Audience Member 1) You know, no one tells you that when you’re the so-called “star” that everyone else in the world now thinks they own you!  People somehow found out where I live and now camp on my front lawn regularly, stealing my mail even when I locked the box, following me when I go food shopping, coming up to me while I’m running on park trails demanding a copy of my chicken-scratch signature which I can’t even read, and asking while I’m at the dentist’s office about how I live and feel as if I was this character when – hate to burst your bubble – I never read any of the source material this dude’s based on!

Audience: (Collectively) <GASP!>

Director: Maybe we should hear from some of your co-stars now –

Chad: (Grabs the table microphone and stands) And another thing: I don’t appreciate having my entire life scrutinized from birth, or my family and friends harassed for details on everything I’ve ever done, or my dating life now ruined because I can’t trust that anyone I may be interested in isn’t actually an undercover stalker!

Audience Member 2: (Stands up at the back of the hall) I LOVE YOU, CHAD!

Chad: (Gestures vaguely in that unseen direction) See?!  See?!  How can you say that?!  I don’t know you!  You don’t know me!  I could be a jerk and you could be a psychopath!

Audience Member 2: YOU ARE SO WISE!  I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE NOW!

Chad: (Back to the general audience, holding the microphone in both hands) I just want to walk down the street in peace again!  Can’t you all just let me walk down the street in peace again?!

Director: (Yanks the microphone out of Chad’s hands and turns back to the audience) Let’s hear it for Chad’s wholehearted dedication to the craft!  (Audience applauds politely)

Audience Member 1: (Hands the microphone back to the crew member and sits) I guess I’m done, then.

Chad: (Sits back on the chair and lowers his head onto his arms on the table; muffled) I don’t even get the rest of my pay until after the film’s released!

Director: So!  Let’s have another question from the audience!

Audience Member 3: (Stands and is handed the microphone from the same crew member) Hello, my question is for Priya –

Priya: (Had been staring at Chad who is sitting next to her, quietly sobbing; she now sits forward to speak into the table microphone) Yes, hi!

Audience Member 3: You’ve been a superstar yourself for a number of years – have you had all this like Chad, only worse?

Priya: Unfortunately, yes.  (Pats Chad on the shoulder) Hate to say it, kid: even though they’ll take it easier on you than they do me, it only goes downhill from here.  (Chad groans loudly into his arms)

Director: (Mops sweat off brow with an event flyer) Any questions out there related to the actual film?!  Please?!

Audience Member 4: (Stands while looking at a phone display and is given the microphone by the crew member, who had taken it from Audience Member 3) Yeah, I’m reading here that the movie’s release just got cancelled `cause it went way over budget.  Is that true?

Director: (As Chad sits up suddenly) Well, to my knowledge, we are right on track to – (Hears phone buzzing and reads a message) Huh.  (To the actors at the table) Well kiddos, word from above says there’s not going to be a movie now since apparently my vision didn’t match their budget.  I call that them being cheapskates rather than me being unable to deal with finances properly, but the bottom line is disappointment to say the least.

Audience and Most of the Cast: Argghhhh…..

Chad: (Stands with arms raised in triumph and runs out stage left) YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Director: (In the ensuing silence) Whelp, at least somebody here got a happy ending out of all this.

Story 392: Pre-Celebrity I.T. Webinar

 (Coworkers stream into a conference room that is set up with rows of tables and computers and a large screen at the front facing them, sitting wherever they find an empty place)

Coworker 1: (Quietly to Coworker 2 as they sign into computers next to each other) I can’t believe they’re making us stay here for an hour and a half – an hour and a half! – to learn about a system we already use.  And I never use it!

Coworker 2: I heard there’re updates and it’s supposed to be easier to use now.

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Please.  Any update is automatically harder, and this whole thing today could’ve been sent to us in two slides.

Coworker 2: (Leans in confidentially) You know what I heard?

Coworker 1: Obviously not.

Coworker 2: They got Ryan in I.T. to do the webinar for this, right before he quit to become Ryan --------, Hollywood Celebrity.

Coworker 1: …So this is pre-recorded?!  Another waste of my time!

Coworker 2: So?  Isn’t it cool we get one last class from Ryan, before, you know, he became Ryan?  He was so funny when I’d get him on the phone with the help desk, and I love him in his new movie!

Coworker 1: (Mutters at the computer screen) I hate that guy.

Coworker 2: Huh?

Coworker 1: He still owes me money for Josie’s retirement gift.

Coworker 2: That was three years ago.

Coworker 1: (Looks at Coworker 2) Yeah, and he thinks I forgot, but I didn’t!  (Back to the screen) I never forget.

Coworker 2: Whatever – I still think this is so cool!

(The course proctor heads over to the main computer by the large screen)

Proctor: Hello everybody, thank you for coming to the training class today, let’s get started.  (While setting up the video to display on the screen) This mandatory class that none of you can wiggle out of taking will show you the new features in the system, but you’re also in for a special treat: this was the last webinar that our very own “star,” Ryan -------- recorded before he left us to embark on a little something called a movie career….

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 3: Yeah Ry-an!

Coworker 1: [Loudly grinds teeth]

Proctor: So, without further ado, here’s our local success story giving his contractually obligated training session on “Orders 2.0.”  (Starts the video which shows actions on a computer screen as links are selected and data are entered)

Ryan’s Voice: Welcome everyone, to “Orders 2.0”; I’m Ryan --------, I.T. Specialist, although not for much longer as you may have heard by now, heh-heh-heh.

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 1: [Gags]

Ryan’s Voice: So, after you log into this thing – whoops – (Takes several attempts to log in) too many passwords nowadays, am-I-right?

Attendees: [Loudly laugh]

Coworker 1: For amateurs, maybe!

Ryan’s Voice: (Finally logs in) Right, aaaaand – select this option here for Test Mode, and then enter the code I’m typing now, and that brings you to here.... Still a busy screen, I know, but they’re workin’ on it.

Coworker 4: You’re doing your best, Ryan!

Coworker 1: (Leans toward Coworker 2) They know he can’t hear them, right?

Coworker 2: You just did the same thing a minute ago.

Coworker 1: I – (Closes mouth suddenly in memory and sits back upright)

Ryan’s Voice: OK, so now we’re going to simulate creating an order for an extremely high amount so I can show you the process for big ticket items, something like, I don’t know, how about a pool for the East Quad, sound good?

Attendees: [Cheer, clap, and whistle]

Coworker 5: East Quaaad!

Coworker 1: Weirdos.

Ryan’s Voice: So, that’ll bust the budget and need lots of approvals, and let’s see if we can even find a vendor for it…. (Begins searching the list when a strange ringtone on the video goes off) Huh… shoot, sorry, gotta take this – hello?  Hey Samir, thanks for getting back to me so fast, what’s the offer now?... Twenty million?!  Holy –

Proctor: (Starts advancing the video) I’m so sorry – no one actually watched this beforehand, we just assumed….

Coworker 1: Hey, if he’s got $20 million now then maybe he can cough up 15 bucks to pay what he owes me!

Proctor: – and here should be good.  (Resumes the video)

Ryan’s Voice: – dude, I said, “No nudity” –

Attendees: Whoooooo!!!

Proctor: (Advancing again) Sorry!  Sorry!  (Softly while watching the screen) I am so going to be fired.

Ryan’s Voice: – gotta go, I’m trying to wrap up a webinar I gotta do for work, then I can finally say “Buh-bye” to this dumpster fire of a job –

Coworker 3: Heh, he’s got that right.

Ryan’s Voice: `K, `K, gotta go, bye!... Oh shoot, this thing’s still recording…. Ah, forget it, I’ll just tell `em to edit out 15 minutes.

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) Clearly, he didn’t tell `em.

Ryan’s Voice: Aaaaaaaaaaand.... (The mouse whirls around the screen a while) right, ordering a pool, sweet.  So, you’d select the budget range of, I dunno, $50 grand and up?  Yeah, let’s do that, go all out, why not?

Coworker 4: Livin’ the dream, Ryan!

Attendees: [Cheer]

Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2) How does one sign an eye roll so that the whole room can see it?

Coworker 2: I think you would just do it.

Coworker 1: Well that’s just limited range.

Coworker 5: Ssh, please?  I can’t hear Ryan!

(Coworker 2 prevents Coworker 1 from lunging over the table at Coworker 5)

Ryan’s Voice: – and you’d have to get approval from everybody all the way up to – (Strange ringtone again) Just a sec…. Hey, Raquel!  Did they send those scripts yet?... I dunno, I took some French in high school so maybe I could learn a made-up language….

Proctor: I’m so sorry – (Goes to advance the video again)

Coworker 6: Wait, I wanna hear if this is for that movie he’s filming now; it’d be so cool if it is!

Proctor: You all have to take an hour and a half for this class, and so far this seems to have about 20 minutes usable material, so, no!

Coworker 1: We won’t tell if you won’t!

Ryan’s Voice: – is it anything like Tolkien’s Elvish stuff, `cause that’d be neat?... More like the Orkish stuff?  Whatever, I’m game –

Proctor: Skip!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – were we?... Approvals, right.  So you enter your department name – (Buzzing sound on the video) …Oh no, they changed the flight to 5 a.m.?  Ooh, first class, not too shabby –

Proctor: Argh!  (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – worked with Boys & Girls Clubs of America for a while anyway so this’ll be perfect, I can really help out even more now –

Proctor: Ergh! (Advances 10 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – trainer’s coming over tomorrow so she’ll see I can bench almost 300 lbs now –

Attendees: Oooooooh!

Proctor: Grrrrrr…. (Advances 20 minutes)

Ryan’s Voice: – snowboarding next weekend, I gotta go for real now, `K, bye!... OK!  Soooooo, Approvals.  Right.  Aaaaaand… click here… type this… click “Submit,” and boom.  Pool.  Well, if you get all the approvals, and if they don’t want you to hold a bidding war first, and this still could take months and sometimes years even if everything goes right…. Wow, looks like our hour and a half is up, so that’s it for “Orders 2.0,” Class!  Usually this’d be the time for questions but I was told to record it instead of doing it live in case you all’d start getting, quote-unquote, off-topic; my e-mail account’s gonna be deactivated in about an hour so if you do have any relevant questions, don’t send them to me because as of 3:30 p.m. today, I no longer have to pretend to care about messed-up networks and poorly maintained hardware ever again!  Good luck, it’s been nice working with you all, and see you on the big screen, yay!  (The video ends abruptly)

Attendees: [Clap and cheer]

Coworker 2: Aw, he said it was nice working with us!

Coworker 1: He has to fake-love everyone now – that’s the payment for his new life of glamor.

Proctor: (Quickly shutting down the main computer and the large screen) Once again, I apologize for the lack of applicable content in this video – we’ll send out an e-mail when this class has been rescheduled.

Attendees: [Massive groan]

Coworker 3: Can you e-mail just the audio portion of this one to us?  We wanna hear the rest that we missed.

Proctor: Absolutely not!  (Storms out in a panic to destroy all files of the presentation)

Coworker 2: (As the attendees slowly proceed out of the conference room) That stinks we still have to take the class, but this was pretty fun anyway.

Coworker 1: I guess.  I still hate him, but I have to admire his ability to achieve escape velocity from this gravity well of a company.

Coworker 2: Mighty big of you to say so.

Coworker 1: Yeah… you think he’d give me an autograph?

Story 326: Celebrity Meet-and-Greet-and-Psychoanalyze

            (In the backstage green room for a talk show, that day’s celebrity guest waits for an audience member who had won a pre-show meet-and-greet)

            Celebrity: (Sitting on the couch and talking on the phone) Don’t worry, they screened this one and there’re no prior convictions or arrests…. They also checked her social media and she’s not too far out there…. Well, yeah, she is a bit obsessed but more with my career than with me personally – no worse than some of the others, and at least she hasn’t been hanging around the house peering in the windows, right?... I’m kidding, hon, I know we’re lucky that hasn’t happened yet!... I’ll be fine, Security’s right outside the door if she turns out to be a wild card, but I’m thinking it’ll be a bit of the usual fan-girling, we take some photos, she goes back to her front-row seat out in the audience, and it’s on with the show!... Yes, I’ll make sure to get -----’s autograph for you this time.  (There is knocking on the door) Oh, that’s them, gotta go – love you, bye!  (Disconnects the phone and stands, beaming widely) Come on in!

            (An assistant for the show opens the door and escorts the contest winner inside; an imposing security guard stands discreetly behind them in the corridor)

            Assistant: And here is our winner of the Meet-and-Greet!  (Slightly shoves Fan forward)

            Celebrity: (Shakes Fan’s hand) Welcome!  Lovely to meet you!

            Fan: (Head down, staring at the floor) Hi.

         Celebrity: …So, would you like something to drink, or snack on?  They said we can have anything we like here – coffee, tea, spring water, fall water, heh-heh-heh…?

            Fan: Nothing for me, thank you.

            Celebrity: …Right!  (To Assistant) I think we’re all set here, thanks!

          Assistant: OK; I’ll come back 15 minutes before start time.  (Behind Fan, Assistant mouths “Call us if she gets – ” and mimes going bonkers)

          Celebrity: (Waves off Assistant) That’s fine – thank you!  (Assistant leaves and closes the door; Celebrity looks back at Fan, smiling all the while as Fan still stares at the floor) Well!  Let’s have a seat, shall we?  (Gestures to a chair while sitting on an adjacent one; Fan sits gingerly) So! Congrats on the win – VIP treatment and all that – and so glad you could make it to the show today, I really appreciate you coming out here to support my new movie, especially this one, it was a real passion project.

            Fan: (Still looking down) Oh.  Thank you.  I mean, you’re welcome?

            Celebrity: (Laughs) So, mind if I ask you a few questions?

            Fan: Ummm, me?

          Celebrity: Yeah, mixes things up a little for me, especially right now on the old press tour, know-what-I-mean?

            Fan: Oh, yeah.

            Celebrity: Yeah… so, um, what do you do?  For a living, or just, you know, day-to-day?

            Fan: Oh, uh, I work in I.T.

            Celebrity: Oh, that’s great!

            Fan: It really isn’t.

           Celebrity: Ah.  (Drums fingers on the arm of the chair for a bit) Sorry, I don’t want to make this awkward, but seeing as I’m going to be simultaneously on stage and on screen in about half an hour, and you know how vain we performers all are, could you tell me – (Gestures around head) do I have something on my face that needs tending to?

            Fan: (Split-second peeks) No.

            Celebrity: You sure?  No stray gray hairs or sudden acne or hideous spots that’ll be magnified 1,000% by the cameras?

            Fan: Nope, you're good.

         Celebrity: Well, that’s a relief – it’s just from the way you were avoiding looking at me I thought I had something horrible going on that no one wanted to tell me about.

            Fan: (Finally looks up fully) Oh, sorry – guess I was being rude.

           Celebrity: Not at all!  This whole environment can be a bit nerve-wracking, even if you’re used to it – for instance, I just know I’m going to say something out there that everyone’ll hate me for by tomorrow, so it’s all good.

            Fan: (Solemnly) I would never.

            Celebrity: Oh, cheers.

            Fan: (Sighs) I’m sorry, I’m not being a good guest at all, it’s just….

            Celebrity: (Waits) Go on.

            Fan: Well, it’s – this is embarrassing – I was so excited to meet you today, and really nervous, and then, I had a dream about you last night.

            Celebrity: (Frozen smile and wide eyes) Oh?

            Fan: Oh don’t worry, it wasn’t gross or anything.

            Celebrity: Of course not.

            Fan: It’s just that, you’re an actual human being, not some character, and also you’re married and have kids, and the dream I had of you was really nice, for me, and now I feel like I exploited you or something.

            Celebrity: Oh, no worries; it wasn’t real, you know?

            Fan: I know, but it still feels like I invaded your privacy.

            Celebrity: It can’t have been as bad as all that – what happened, if I may ask?

          Fan: Well, it’s a bit jumbled now – you sure you want to hear someone trying to describe a dream they only half-remember?  I wouldn’t.

            Celebrity: Too late: if I’m starring in it, I have to know what happened.

            Fan: OK, um, it was one of those where you’re in a movie you’ve just seen – I mean, I was in one of your movies, from this year –

           Celebrity: Hang on – I’ve got three movies the studios all released at the same time, so is it the legal drama one or the murder mystery one or the comic superhero one?

            Fan: The comic superhero one.

            Celebrity: Ah, my bread and butter.  Proceed.

           Fan: OK, so I was in it, but not any scene I remember from the movie, just kind of rushing around, and then you were there – well actually, your character was there –

            Celebrity: (Leaning on hand in interest) Of course.

            Fan: And, I forget how, but we wound up sitting on some steps somewhere, and I was hugging you from behind, and then started slowly rocking you back and forth, like I was comforting a child, know what I mean?

            Celebrity: Mm-hm.  And then what?

            Fan: And that’s it.

         Celebrity: That’s it?  That’s not so bad – I’ve heard much worse, believe me.  (Shudders)

          Fan: I guess, but when I woke up all I kept thinking was how it felt nice for me at your expense.

            Celebrity: No worries – I’m fine.

            Fan: I also realized that, if it had been real, or at least a real person, I’d be thinking it felt nice but he’d be thinking, “OK, you can stop now.”

           Celebrity: Well, if anyone thought that then you shouldn’t be wasting your time with them.  Are you in a relationship now where you think they feel that way?

         Fan: No, but I’m afraid of getting stuck in one and not realizing it until way after the resentment’s set in.

            Celebrity: Well, all I can say is, you’ll either meet the love of your life like I did and put up with each other’s peccadillos, or you’ll do just fine on your own.

            Fan: Thanks.  Not to sound like a stalker, but I like how you guys seem to have such a stable life – your family seems awesome.

            Celebrity: They certainly are, which is why I’m seriously considering flying back home after the show today and skipping out on the rest of the press tour, I miss them so much.

            Fan: Good for you!  I hardly watch these things myself – I’m gonna go see the movie anyway, so why bother with all this extra advertising?

            Celebrity: That’s what I said!

            (Knock on the door, then Assistant enters)

            Assistant: Fifteen minutes!  (Mouths to Celebrity “Need the cops?”)

            Celebrity: Thank you, be right out!  (Assistant leaves; Celebrity and Fan stand) So, our time’s unfortunately up – wait a minute, I forgot to ask if you wanted any swag from the movie that I can sign for you, shoot!  (Starts frantically going through a case of tie-in merchandise and tossing items onto the couch)

            Fan: It’s OK, I don’t need any of that – I don’t even need the photo with you.

            Celebrity: Huh?

            Fan: This whole situation got me thinking: it’s really unfair that you’re made to feel like you owe people forced interactions, when it should be that you do your performance, we pay you to watch it, The End.  Instead you also have to do stuff like this, make small talk with randos who’ve dug up a lot more of your personal information than you’ll ever learn about us, which puts you at an extreme disadvantage in almost every conversation and makes you have to be polite and pleasant and “on,” all the time, even to people who are being extremely rude and inconveniencing you and your family and friends.

            Celebrity: Oh.  Well, it is part of the job when you start making an extremely large amount of money.  I don’t mind.

            Fan: Is it?  And don’t you?  I mean, it must be weird going from just being known by your small inner circle to total strangers stopping you everywhere so you can’t even go out to dinner anymore.  I’d feel penned-in, and scared some psycho’d think they were in love with me and owned my life when they hadn’t even known my name a few years ago.  And all because you’re an entertainer and like to make people laugh, and cry, and think, and try to make the world just a little bit better.

            Celebrity: (Near tears) Finally!  Someone who gets it!