Story 622: Valentine’s Day “Gift”

            (In a living room, Spouse 1 is sitting in an armchair reading a book when Spouse 2 enters)

Spouse 2: Hey – do we have plans for Valentine’s Day yet?

Spouse 1: (Lowers the book to stare at Spouse 2) Well, yes: since it’s on a Saturday this year but you still wanted to go out to dinner with every other couple in the world that night, I made a restaurant reservation six months ago.  (Raises the book to start reading again)

Spouse 2: That’s great, thanks, BUT I have another idea for our gift to each other this year.

Spouse 1: (Lowers the book again) Oh?

Spouse 2: Yeah: I’ve been thinking –

Spouse 1: Mm-hm?

Spouse 2: – and you know how my music career’s kind of stalled lately, and the songs just aren’t coming to me and the muse has been failing to show up and all that, so I think the best thing for both of us this year is that we break up.

Spouse 1: (Inflectionless) …What.

Spouse 2: Preferably on Valentine’s Day, for maximum impact.

Spouse 1: (Still inflectionless) …What.

Spouse 2: Yeah, I really think this is the only path for my music right now: everyone knows that the best songs are about how you’re so in love with someone but they have no idea, or they’re already with someone else, or they did you wrong, or it was all perfect and they still broke your heart because they were bored or something, or they went off with your best friend which is basically a double betrayal, or you can’t stand each other anymore but you’re both stuck where you are out of habit, or you’re eternally devoted but the other person just can’t stick around because they’re free like the wind or off like a bird or whatever, and bottom line is, those are the songs that everyone sings along with and cries their hearts out to and plays at weddings and pays lots and lots of money for and are remembered centuries after the songwriters are gone, so the only way I’m going to be able write any of that stuff is if I myself am suffering from the pangs of unjust heartbreak or heartbreak that really is my own fault and can only find solace by pouring out my soul and emotional pain through strings, percussion, woodwinds, brass, and vocal cords.

Spouse 1: ....

Spouse 2: So, in case I wasn’t completely clear back there, it’s best if you break up with me in this scenario.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: Doing that on Valentine’s Day would be ideal, but you can wait until my birthday if you need more time to prepare the script – I’ll use some of it for the lyrics.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: Ooh, completely forgot to mention that you’ll get half the royalties in perpetuity – you being the new muse for this award-winning anguish album and all.  And that’ll be my gift to you this year.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: Want to practice some inspiration on me now, something like “I finally remembered that I never loved you!” or “I like awake every night wondering ‘Why?’” or “The grass is certainly looking a lot greener with every passing day,” or “You never help set the table!”?  I’m really trying to work on that last one, though, so maybe ignore it for now.  We can workshop all this later, if you want.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: ….

Spouse 1: I made the reservation for 6:30 so we can be home by 9.  (Raises the book to start reading again)

Spouse 2: Aw, hon, you’re the best!

Story 573: Unwittingly Sucked Into The Game

            (In a living room, Spouse 1 leans forward while sitting on the couch, intently watching a football game on the TV)

Spouse 1: (Flings arms up in the air in frustration just as Spouse 2 enters the room putting on a coat) NOOOOO!!!!  Why didn’t they stop him before he made the touchdown?!  What are they even doing out there?!  Why don’t they listen to me??!!

Spouse 2: (While putting on gloves) If it upsets you so much, why do you keep watching it?

Spouse 1: (Without looking away from the TV) Ah, you just don’t understand!

Spouse 2: I understand that it’s an obscene amount of money, time, and mental energy spent on what basically boils down to a bunch of full-grown adults chasing around a ball.

Spouse 1: But – strategy – skill – there’s more to it than that!  (Suddenly stands in horror) He missed it!  He can make a 50-yard field goal and whiffs a basic punt?!  ARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!  (Clutches head in despair and collapses back onto the couch)

Spouse 2: (Sighs quietly) You realize you’re giving yourself a heart attack over something that doesn’t even directly affect you.

Spouse 1: (Speaks through hands still clutching head) I’m invested in the human drama of it all.

Spouse 2: Emotionally or financially?

Spouse 1: (Sits back up to watch the TV again) Both: the pool at work’s been getting intense lately.

Spouse 2: And the less I know about that, the better.

Spouse 1: Even without that, it’s, you know….

Spouse 2: What?

Spouse 1: The Thrill of The Game!  (They both watch as a play is made) INTERCEPTION-ARE-YOU-KIDDING-ME????!!!!!  (Grabs a pillow to stifle a scream)

Spouse 2: (Narrows eyes at the TV) Hm.  I can sort of understand how that’s frustrating to watch – that other guy’s teammates were no help at all.

Spouse 1: (Drops the pillow and stares at Spouse 2 in wonder) Yes!  Thank you!  That team has no strategy whatsoever – I’m amazed they even managed to score this season!

Spouse 2: And this is the team you’re rooting for?

Spouse 1: Yeah, well – habit.  (They watch another play; Spouse 1 gestures at the TV) No kidding, of course they’re going to do something reckless in the fourth down, they’ve got less than a minute left on the clock and still have nine yards to go!  (Whistle blows) Aaaaaaand another timeout – like that’s gonna do you any good, ya rookies!

Spouse 2: (Slowly sits on the couch next to Spouse 1, staring at the TV) So, if they actually run the nine yards in time, what does that do for them?

Spouse 1: At this rate they should either kick a field goal or go right for the end zone to make a touchdown and actually get in the lead, but let’s not hope for miracles here.  (A play, then another whistle) TWO FEET?!  HE MADE IT TWO FEET AND GOT DESTROYED?!  (Falls back onto the cushions and sobs)

Spouse 2: Yeah, that guy from the other team totally tripped him; that wasn’t very sporting.

Spouse 1: (Sits up again) What?

Spouse 2: (Points to the slow motion instant replay) See?  The other guy stuck out his foot and tripped him; very foul.

Spouse 1: (Fist pumps the air) Yes, a foul!  Ten-yard penalty, woo-hoo!

Spouse 2: That’s one way to get there.

Spouse 1: (After a few more plays) So, now they’re going to go for the three-point field goal since that’s the best shot they have right now even with the extra yardage literally handed to them.

Spouse 2: Ooh, if they make that will they win then?

Spouse 1: Oh no; we still got three quarters to go.  (They lean forward to watch the field goal kick; Spouse 1 stands in glee) Yes, it’s in!  They got it!

Spouse 2: Wow, it looked like it was veering way off at first, but made it in at the last second; good for that guy!  (As Spouse 1 sits down again) Now what?

Spouse 1: Now our team kicks off to the other team that’ll try to score all the way on the other side of the field – (Both stand as the play starts) He’s going for the touchdown right away, I don’t believe it!

Spouse 2: This is the other team though, right?  Should we be cheering or booing?

Spouse 1: I’m just in awe at the speed – nobody’s even close to catching up!  (The touchdown is made) No seconds to spare!  What a play!

Spouse 2: (As they both sit down again) Well, that was exciting.  What do they do now?

Spouse 1: Now?  Now it’s just getting interesting….

ONE HOUR LATER

(Whistle blows for another foul; Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 both groan in mental anguish while surrounded on the couch by bags of potato chips and pretzels, with several empty soda cans on a nearby table)

Spouse 2: (Coat and gloves were discarded long ago) What’d he do that for?!

Spouse 1: I know!  They never listen to me!

(The other team gets another touchdown)

 Spouse 1 and Spouse 2: (Simultaneously fling their arms up in the air and collapse back onto the couch) ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Spouse 2: If they attempt a two-point conversion, I am going to flip.  My.  Lid!

Spouse 1: (Checks papers) And I’ll be out 100 bucks!

(They both lean in toward the TV as the next play is being set up; Spouse 2’s cell phone suddenly rings)

Spouse 2: (Answers the phone without looking away from the TV) Not now, we’re in overtime!  (Ends the call and tosses the phone over a shoulder to land behind the couch)

(In a restaurant, a small gathering at a round table looks at Host who is on the phone; Host hesitates a moment before putting away the phone and forcing a smile at the others)

Host: Best not to wait any longer.

Others: Ah.  (They all dig into their cooling meals)

(In the living room)

Spouse 2: Another timeout?!  There’re two minutes left on the clock and they’re actually tied!

Spouse 1: (Speaks around biting on the TV remote) I know – the suspense is killing me!

Spouse 2: So what happens if the clock runs out and they’re still tied?

Spouse 1: Ah!  (Drops the remote in horror) Then both teams are out!  But – more importantly – our team is out!

Spouse 2: Well we can’t have that, now can we?!

Spouse 1: Absolutely not!

(During the next play, one of the players catches the ball and runs to the end zone; Spouse 1 and Spouse 2 stand in support)

Spouse 1 and Spouse 2: GO!  GO!  GO!  GO! –

Announcer: Touchdown!  And the game is finally over!

Spouse 1 and Spouse 2: YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!  (They jump up and down while hugging each other, cheering and weeping with joy; after a few minutes, they settle back down on the couch in exhaustion)

Spouse 2: (Almost out of breath) Wow.  I never realized how… exciting just watching sports could be!

Spouse 1: It’s never too late to become a fan!

Spouse 2: Especially now that they just won!

Spouse 1: (Picks up the papers again and starts entering notes with a pencil, wearing a wicked smile) Yes, now that we all just won.

Spouse 2: Hm?

Spouse 1: (Drops the papers and pencil down the side of a couch cushion) Never mind.

Spouse 2: So, now that they won, do they get to bask in the glory of their victory and ridiculous fortunes?

Spouse 1: For a little while, but not for long `cause now they get to advance to the playoffs next week, woohoo!

Spouse 2: Wait, this game wasn’t it?

Spouse 1: Wasn’t what?

Spouse 2: The game.  The last one.

Spouse 1: Oh, not at all: got the playoffs for a few weeks next, and whichever two teams survive those get to go to the Super Bowl.

Spouse 2: And then?

Spouse 1: And then that’s it.

Spouse 2: Oh thank goodness.

Spouse 1: For the season; then in the fall the new season starts and we get to do this all over again!  (Spouse 2 stares at Spouse 1) Isn’t it great?!

Spouse 2: I’m exhausted just thinking about the unending futility of all this – I’m going out, even though the people I was supposed to meet earlier probably never want to see me again.  (Grabs coat and gloves and leaves)

Spouse 1: (Shrugs and uses the remote to raise the volume on the TV) I should’ve mentioned the post-game analysis: that’s where armchair quarterbacking’s down to a fine art.