DAY -2
(In a chaotic supermarket, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate their shopping carts through the free-for-all in the aisles)
Friend 1: Did we really need to come here on a Friday night when literally everyone else is here?
Friend 2: (Focused on the refrigerated cases) Huh? What are you going on about now?
Friend 1: (Gestures to the panicked crowds) I mean, what are we all doing here? We live in the Northeastern U.S. – we have had snow before, it’s nothing new.
Friend 2: (Grabbing a gallon of milk and dropping it into the cart) Yeah, but not this bad in at least the past 10 years. This is the first time I could get to the store this week, and who knows how soon the roads’ll be cleared up before we can get here again? Better to be safe than sorry.
Friend 1: (As they squeeze through the aisle again) Sure, but what do we really need that we don’t already get enough of on our regular supermarket runs each week?
Friend 2: I just said – fine: milk.
Friend 1: I don’t drink it.
Friend 2: (Reaching onto a shelf and grabbing a carton to hold up) Eggs?
Friend 1: Don’t eat them.
Friend 2: (Drops the carton into the cart) Bread?
Friend 1: Got enough for a year.
Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1’s empty cart) Then what are you doing here?
Friend 1: Had no plans tonight.
Friend 2: (Moves on) If you’re not getting anything for yourself, ditch the cart up front and help me with the rest – otherwise, run for it!
Friend 1: (Stares at the cart, then tosses in a bottle of juice and weaves through the crowd casually) Nothing to see, just trying to fit in….
DAY -1
(At night, Friend 1 is sitting in front of a living room window and looking through binoculars up at the heavens when the phone rings)
Friend 1: (Answers by turning on the speaker phone and returns to looking up) Larder still stocked?
Friend 2: (Wrapping water pipes with newspapers) Always. You have your heat turned up to at least 65°F, the cabinet doors open in front of the pipes, and water dripping from the faucets?
Friend 1: (Without looking away from the atmosphere) Whyyyyyy… would I do something so wasteful?
Friend 2: To keep the pipes from freezing and bursting!
Friend 1: Pff. Urban legend.
Friend 2: Urban fact! It’s gonna get as low as 3° overnight! THREE! DEGREES!
Friend 1: Sounds like a scam.
Friend 2: For the love of – you live in a condo, think of your neighbors!
Friend 1: Why? I doubt they give me a second thought, let alone a first.
Friend 2: They’ll give you more than that when they sue you for flooding their units with all the water from your broken pipes!
Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers the binoculars) I’ll call you right back.
30 MINUTES LATER
Friend 2: (Answers the phone while curled up in a blanket on the couch) Well?
Friend 1: (Back to looking through binoculars up at the night sky) Well, our association e-mailed us the same suggestions you just mentioned, so I’m all done with setting that stuff up, Mom.
Friend 2: You’re welcome. Now if your pipes still burst after all that, you know you did everything you could to prevent it.
Friend 1: (Nods while observing) Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Friend 2: What are you up to, anyway? You’ve had me on speaker both times.
Friend 1: I’m on storm watch.
Friend 2: What?
Friend 1: If this storm’s supposed to be as epic as everyone claims, I want to see the very first flake of doom as it descends from the heavens.
Friend 2: Not supposed to start until 4 a.m.
Friend 1: (Lowers the binoculars again) I’m going to bed – good night.
Friend 2: Stay warm!
DAY 1
(Friend 1 sits up suddenly in bed, flailing in the sheets and blankets)
Friend 1: Oh no, the snow’s everywhere, I’m suffocating! (Sees the sheets and blankets and stops) Oh. Just a dream. Never mind. (Gets out of bed, walks to the window, and opens the blinds – everything outside is covered in white, and heavy snow continues to fall steadily) Oops. Whelp, that’s what we pay snow removal fees for – they can wake me when it’s time to move my car. (Closes the blinds, skips back to bed, dives under the sheets and blankets, and immediately falls back asleep)
DAY 2
(Friend 1 is cocooned in quilts on the couch and watching a movie when the phone rings)
Friend 1: (Pauses the movie and answers the phone) Hey, how’s hibernation going?
Friend 2: (Working on a laptop at a kitchen table) Not so great – I no sooner shovel out the driveway then I get plowed back in again; unavoidable, but still tiresomely tedious. I wonder if this is how Sisyphus felt pushing that same rock up that same hill over and over?
Friend 1: (Sipping hot chocolate) Wouldn’t know – I try to avoid that feeling whenever possible. Wanna borrow my backhoe?
Friend 2: What – where – how on Earth do you even store that?
Friend 1: I know a guy. (Slurps the drink)
Friend 2: Well, thanks, but I think by now I should be cleared out for good on this storm, since the freezing snow’s finally stopped.
Friend 1: Oh, so you’re working from home today?
Friend 2: Yeah, we got the go-ahead for that since the roads aren’t too clear yet. What about you?
Friend 1: Heh, we in retail are afforded no such luxury.
Friend 2: So, did the store close again today, then?
Friend 1: HA!
Friend 2: I know, silly question.
Friend 1: No, I left a detailed message on my manager’s cell phone saying how impossible it is for anyone to safely get anywhere today, so if even the customers can’t get there, why should I, and all that standard boilerplate; I also threw in that another storm is threatening on the horizon, so for everyone’s stake I should stay in my hole where I can’t damage anything. (Sees an alert) Perfect timing – I got a response just now.
Friend 2: What’s it say?
Friend 1: (Reads the message out loud) “If I have to be here, you have to be here. And your shift starts at 5 when the roads will be clearer so I don’t want to hear it.” …. I wonder if I can pretend I didn’t receive this?
Friend 2: Nope. Careful driving tonight!
Friend 1: Elitist!
DAY 7
(Friend 2 stares at the heavily sideways-falling snow out the living room window, then calls Friend 1)
Friend 1: (Collapsed on the couch, still wearing a winter coat, hat, scarf, gloves, and boots; uses a pinky to answer the phone on speaker and wheezes out) Yes?!
Friend 2: Hey, just checking how you’re holding up with Blizzard #3?
Friend 1: I have cleared off and shoveled out my car no fewer than 200 times this week, and driven through icy snow for more miles than are physically located between home and work, nearly wiping out at least twice every trip and taking the entire highway with me each time – ask no more of me.
Friend 2: (Winces) Ouch. We go from middling snow for over a decade to back-to-back-to-back blizzards in the space of a week – I think they fed off each other.
Friend 1: (Sliding farther down the couch) They certainly fed off me….
Friend 2: Sorry you still have to drive into work during all this – I haven’t been in the office since before the first storm.
Friend 1: I’m sincerely happy for you. I’m shocked though that my job actually did close again today due to the roads.
Friend 2: Oh, good!
Friend 1: After I’d already broken off the reconstituted glacier that was covering my car.
Friend 2: Oh, nuts.
Friend 1: (Removes the scarf and drops it onto the floor) Remember when we used to love playing in the snow, even if we had to help shovel the driveway first?
Friend 2: Of course; good times.
Friend 1: (Uses a foot to draw the living room window’s blinds closed) Now, I just hope the power stays on, the pipes don’t freeze, and spring starts tomorrow.
Friend 2: Don’t be greedy.