Story 618: Out With the Old, In With the Nothing

            (Friend 2 knocks on Friend 1’s condo door; after a few moments, Friend 1 opens the door wearing coveralls, a hat, and several layers of dust)

Friend 2: …I’m afraid to ask.

Friend 1: Too late – get in.  (Pulls Friend 2 by the wrist into the condo and locks the door shut behind them both, then looks at the other up-and-down) Where’s your protective gear?

Friend 2: (Gestures to self) You said “Dress for a mess” so these are the most worn-out clothes I have; although – (Also looks Friend 1 up-and-down) it seems I forgot to bring along my gas mask.

Friend 1: What?  Oh, forget it – too late for such trifles now!  Let’s go.  (Leads the way to the bedroom in the back of the unit and opens arms wide once through the doorway) Right!  Here’s how far I got so… far.

(Friend 2 takes in all the boxes, books, clothes, photo albums, files, stuff, stuff, and more stuff all over the floor, the bed, and partway up the walls)

Friend 2: Oh… wow….

Friend 1: I know, isn’t it hideous?  We always complain about accumulating junk we don’t need but we never truly realize how much of it we’ve shoved into our lives.  I haven’t even touched the upper shelves in the closet yet, if you can believe it.

Friend 2: (Nodding resignedly) Oh, I can.  And this is the only room you need to go through, yes, please?

Friend 1: (Starts moving piles of clothes into bigger piles on the bed) Yeah – the good thing about moving from your childhood home straight into a smaller space is that I never got a chance to collect mega-sized possessions.  Could you imagine if I tried to shove a table tennis table in here?

Friend 2: But you don’t play.

Friend 1: No, but if I had a huge house all to myself I’d probably start buying stuff like that just to fill it up.  Oh, the soul-crushing cycle of consumerism!

Friend 2: (Tosses away a dirty sock) Spare me.

Friend 1: Sure.  (Abruptly sits in a small cleared-out area on the floor) So: I need you to help me get rid of the paraphernalia.

Friend 2: (Sits nearby in another small cleared-out area on the floor) What, you mean like old school notebooks and broken trinkets and what-not?

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Don’t need me for that – you know what’s a keeper and what’s garbage.

Friend 1: That’s the thing: I’ll think they’re all keepers.  I need you here to be brutal.

Friend 2: Ah.

Friend 1: No matter how much I beg, plead, or complain, if it’s taking up space and is no longer needed in my life, it’s got – to – go.

Friend 2: If you say so.  Is this a New Year’s resolution thing?

Friend 1: Sort of, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.  I read in a few places recently that it’ll be so much easier to have all these knickknacks no one else’ll care about already gone, for those who’ll wind up having to clean out this place after I kick the bucket.

Friend 2: (Looks up from holding a half-used pencil at different angles) Ugh, morbid.

Friend 1: Hey, we all have to face reality at some point.

Friend 2: Yes, and you’re so good at that.

Friend 1: I’d resent that if it weren’t mostly true; this time though I’m actually being proactively thoughtful with my inevitable exit stage left.

Friend 2: And you realize that I’ll probably be the one cleaning out your stuff – in the far, far distant future, of course.

Friend 1: I doubt it: you’re nicer than I am, so the rule usually is that you’ll go to Heaven first and I’ll be stuck here for a much longer sentence.

Friend 2: Thanks, I think.  (Rummages through a nearby pile and pulls out an old toy car) OK, let’s start small with this: Keep, Donate, or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Takes the car with a smile) Aw, I remember getting this from my grandparents when I was 4 years old – I would zoom it all over the house on its never-ending race around the world!... Mom and Dad weren’t too happy about that.

Friend 2: I’ll bet.  So, Keep?

Friend 1: (Fiddles with the car for a few moments, then shakes head definitively and hands the toy back to Friend 2) No, this can go to the Donate pile: it’s time it made someone else happy.  I’ll always cherish the memories, right up until the moment dementia steals them.

Friend 2: Bleak.  (Clears another open space on the floor and sets down the car) This’ll be the Donate pile, then – you got a bag for Garbage?

Friend 1: (Holds up a contractor bag) Way ahead of you!

Friend 2: Good.  I guess the Keep items will go back into the closet or wherever, then.

Friend 1: Oh, that pile will be extremely small, don’t you worry.  (Winks)

Friend 2: Of course it will.  (Holds up a stuffed animal that is fraying at the seams) How about this one?

Friend 1: (Gasps) Wobbly!  (Grabs the stuffed animal out of Friend 2’s hand and hugs it close) I can’t believe I forgot all about you!  How thoughtless of me!

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  Donate to make someone else happy, then?

Friend 1: (Looks up guiltily) Uh – well – you can see the condition’s not exactly prime – I wouldn’t want to give someone a used stuffed companion –

Friend 2: So, Garbage?

Friend 1: (On an intake of breath) How-dare-you!

Friend 2: Mm-hm; Keep?

Friend 1: I should think so!  (Reaches up to the bed and props the stuffed animal against a pillow) A few stitches’ll fix you good as new, don’t you worry.

Friend 2: OK, moving along – (Holds up a file folder) This looks like class notes.

Friend 1: Really?  (Takes the folder and skims through the papers) Oh, Psych 101!  I needed that freshman year in college!

Friend 2: Yeah, I think everyone in freshman year in college had to take something like that.  Recycling rather than Garbage for those, then?

Friend 1: (Still skimming through the papers) Just a minute… this is really interesting… I practically blew off this class but now that I’m reading this it’s actually very insightful….

Friend 2: That class was over 20 years ago so most of the information is probably outdated.

Friend 1: (Hands back the folder) OK, Recycling.

Friend 2: (Clears another open space on the floor) Group #4.

Friend 1: What a side benefit to all this: we’re saving the Earth on top of everything else.

Friend 2: It’s very unlikely that we’re saving much of anything.  (Holds up a collage) Keep or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2) I’m shocked: do you not recognize your younger self with our high school chums in that display?

Friend 2: (Turns around the collage to look at it closely, then recoils in horror) Ah!  Garbage!  (Tries to shove it into the contractor bag)

Friend 1: (Grabs the collage and tosses it onto the bed) Yoink!

Friend 2: All right, but you’d better not post photos of that anywhere or I’ll never speak to you again.  (Holds up a trinket) Garbage or Donate?

Friend 1: Eh, Donate; should make someone’s day.

Friend 2: (Tosses it back over a shoulder and holds up a fancy pen) This looks used – Garbage?

Friend 1: Oh – that was from my first real job – it was kind of a memento – coming of age and all – but the ink’s probably dry –

Friend 2: Garbage.  (Flings it into the open contractor bag, then holds up a photo album) Keep?

Friend 1: Of course.

Friend 2: (Tosses it onto the bed, then holds up a video game cartridge) Donate?

Friend 1: If any system can actually play it now, sure – I kept losing on that one so I’ve no emotional attachment to it.

Friend 2: (Tosses it back over a shoulder, then holds up a diary) Keep or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Narrows eyes at it) Hm… read out the first page for me, please?

Friend 2: (Opens the diary and reads) “Dear Diary, No one understands me – ”

Friend 1: BURN IT!

(Several hours later, everything has been sorted into two towering groups of multiple mini-piles on the floor and one smaller pile on the bed, or put into several contractor bags; Friend 1 and Friend 2 creakily stand up and walk over to the door to admire their work)

Friend 2: Well, I have to say, I didn’t think you could bring yourself to clean out this much and this thoroughly, but you did, and I’m proud of you.

Friend 1: Aw, thanks!  You were a big help – I didn’t think I could’ve parted with as much if you weren’t here to force me.

Friend 2: Well, that’s what friends are for.

Friend 1: Great friend!

(They smile at each other, then stare at the organized mess for a few moments longer)

Friend 1: So, now I’ve got to haul all these to the garbage and recycling dumpsters and a donation center –

Friend 2: (Turns and leaves) Yeah, not that great a friend.

Story 608: Oblivia Starring In… IT CAME FROM OUT OF THE BATHTUB DRAIN!

            (In a sepia-toned world, Oblivia hums a tune while cleaning the bathtub in her apartment)

Oblivia: (Spraying cleaner along the edge of the tub and then wiping it down) <Oh, if I sing while I scrub/ Doo – dee – doot – doot – doo – doo – dah/ Then maybe a wormhole’ll form/ I can go through where/ I’m done on the other side – >

(A loud GURGLE-GLUMP! suddenly erupts from the bathtub drain)

Oblivia: (Freezes) Hm.  It’s never made that sound before.

(She leans over the drain, peering closer and closer, unaware of the ominous music getting louder and louder)

Oblivia: (Taps the drain) Wonder if it’s my upstairs neighbors again?

(The tub starts to rumble and Oblivia backs away, still holding the spray bottle and a paper towel; the rumble grows and grows, until a giant, moldy, slimy, dripping creature BURSTS! out of the drain)

Creature: (Lands on the edge of the tub) ROOOAAARRRR!!!!

Oblivia: (Blinking rapidly and sputtering out dirty water as she and the bathroom are drenched) Eugh, I just cleaned that….

Creature: (Waving its approximation of arms at Oblivia while towering over her) ROOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Oblivia: Yes, I heard you the first time – you mind moving along so I can wipe up this new mess?  Right now’s the only time in the week I have to clean the bathroom, and you’ve now just added – (Looks quickly around at the splattered bathtub, counter, toilet, mirror, floor, walls, and ceiling) at least another 45 minutes that I can’t spare.

Creature: ROOOOOAAAAA – (Lowers arms) Wait a minute, you’re not scared?

Oblivia: (Tries and fails to brush stains off of her clothes) No, I’m disgusted.

Creature: (Raises arms again) Which stems from your fear, as I approach to consume you – !  (Leans forward to leap off the tub and is sprayed with the cleaner)  Ack!  Gag!  Achoo!  (Sneezes)

Oblivia: (Rips more paper towels off of the roll and approaches Creature) Bless you.  Now hold still while I wipe you up.

Creature: Aiiiiii!!!!  (Leaps off the tub and rushes past Oblivia to the bathroom door; suddenly stops and turns back around) Hold on, I’m not supposed to be the one running away!  This whole thing is getting out of control.

Oblivia: (Lowers arms) I’ll say.  How long have you been living down that drain anyway?  My landlords won’t be happy if they find out I’m subletting, even if it is without my knowledge or consent.

Creature: Forget the landlords – it’s you who’ll pay for your foul deeds!

Oblivia: (Presses the hand holding the spray bottle to her chest in shock) I?!

Creature: Yes!  For you see, my dear, I am a fiendish being OF YOUR OWN CREATION!

(Background music obligingly goes DUH – DUH – DUHHHHHHH!!!!)

Oblivia: (Brings the back of the hand holding the spray bottle to her forehead) How can this be?!  I think I’d remember creating something like you!

Creature: (Approaching closer) Day by day, shower by shower, I was formed by layers and layers of your detritus – along with you never once cleaning out the drain!

Oblivia: (Lowers hand) Oh, well, why should I?  Nothing dirty goes down there; it’s just water and soap.

Creature: …What?!

Oblivia: OK, also shampoo and conditioner, but that means everything that goes down there is squeaky clean.  Those pipes should be sparkling by now – I really don’t know where all this – (Gestures at Creature) is coming from.

Creature: I – you – of course other stuff goes down there!  Grime from the day!  Excess skin being sloughed off!  Your hair, all over!

Oblivia: Well, now that’s a lie: I never shed any hair.

Creature: Of course you do!  You’re doing it right now!

Oblivia: What?  (Creature points to the floor around her as another strand gently falls) Oh.  Stress of the situation.

Creature: Whatever: point is, you clearly never use a drain catcher, so all that stuff from you, plus the soap, and the mold, mold, mold, piled up and up and up until at last, I emerged!

Oblivia: OK, if I humor you by agreeing, will you go away?

Creature: Aha!  It’s too late now, for I have emerged!

Oblivia: Yes, we’ve established that; is this an extortion racket and I’ve gotta pay you to go away or something?

Creature: Unbelievable!  Just – cower in fear, puny mortal!  (Lunges toward Oblivia who starts spraying Creature again) Aaaahhhhh!!!!  All right, fine, I’ll leave and never come back, just do a better job cleaning and get a drain catcher, aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!  (Turns and flees from the bombardment, running through the apartment, out the living room window, and into the afternoon)

Oblivia: (Leaves the bathroom to watch Creature from the window, then turns back to survey the newly dirtified apartment, shaking her head in irritation) Just what I need: more mess, and a lecture from literal rubbish. 

THE END??????  (Yes)

Story 593: Unexpected Roommate

            (At a condo, there is a knock on the front door; Resident rushes to check the peephole)

Resident: Ah!  At last!  (Hurriedly unlocks and opens the door)

Contractor: (Turns to face Resident, whipping off sunglasses) Heard you have a leak?

Resident: Yes!  Somewhere.

Contractor: What?

Resident: (Gesturing Contractor to enter) Thanks for coming over so quickly; I’ve been simply beside myself.

Contractor: (Entering) So it seems: lead the way.

Resident: (Leading Contractor to the bathroom) I just had a leak from the upstairs unit a few months ago and it destroyed everything, but it was all fixed so this just baffles my mind, absolutely baffles it!

Contractor: Uh-huh.  (They enter the bathroom, with Resident turning on the light and Contractor looking up at the ceiling) So, where’s the leak exactly?

Resident: That’s just it: I don’t know!

Contractor: (Looks back at Resident) Eh?

Resident: I keep hearing water dripping onto something, but I’ve checked everywhere here and in the laundry room and nothing!  It’s completely bizarre!

Contractor: Hm.  (Enters the adjacent laundry room, turns on the light, and looks up at that ceiling) Hmmmmm….

Resident; I checked the washing machine too, and the floors, and the shower – no puddles, no dampness, no mold, nothing!  But the dripping remains!

Contractor: Yep, seems to be a mystery.  (Grabs a dust mop from a corner) You mind?

Resident: No, go ahead: do what you must.

Contractor: Thanks.  (Uses the handle to tap the laundry room ceiling a bit, then goes back into the bathroom and taps that ceiling as well) When’s the last time you heard the dripping?

Resident: I don’t know, it just happens whenever!  It waits until I think it’s gone away, then strikes again!

Contractor: (Returns the mop to the laundry room) All right, let’s listen for a minute then.

(The two stand quietly; after a few moments, there is a sound of something softly tapping against metal)

Resident: (Slightly hops up-and-down in restrained excitement) Ooh, there it is, there it is!  The cursèd dripping, I can’t bear it!

Contractor: (Glances around the bathroom for a few moments) Yep, there it is all right, but where?  (Looks down at a wall when the sound happens again, and freezes) Diiiiiiiid you have any work done here in the past few days?

Resident: Hm?  Oh, yeah, my air conditioner got tuned up this morning, and that’s when the dripping started, why?  (Gasps in horror) Do you think the entire air conditioning system is leaking?!

Contractor: (Squats down next to a wall vent) No, but I think it may explain a few things.  (Peers into the vent for a few moments, then stands back up)  Well, I have some good news for you.

Resident: Yes?

Contractor: It’s not a leak.

Resident: Oh thank GOODNESS!  You have NO IDEA how much of a relief that is!  I am so worn out by water damage that if it’d happened again I would have MELTED DOWN, just MELTED!  DOWN!

Contractor: Got it.

Resident: (Smiling broadly) So!  What’s all the noise then, hm?

Contractor: It’s a mouse.

Resident: (Smile freezes in place) …What?

Contractor: My guess is the critter’s been hanging around in the ducts, then got blasted down here – (Taps the wall) when the air conditioning was turned on, and what you thought was water dripping down was actually the poor thing fruitlessly trying to climb back up.

Resident: (Eyes widening by the second) …What?!

Contractor: I’m surprised you haven’t heard the little feet strolling around before now; I can only see one in there, but there may be more, or at least there will be soon, `cause this one looks to be pregnant.

Resident: (Ready to burst) WHAT?!

Contractor: Don’t worry: I’ll get `em out for you if you want, but it’ll be extra since I don’t usually do animal control.

Resident: I don’t care!  I can’t believe there’s been an actual mouse –

Contractor: Possibly mice.

Resident: – living in the same space I do, and breathing my air!  Rent free!

Contractor: Hey, if you knew half the things that are living in your walls, you’d never live anywhere.

Resident: Ewwwwwwwwugh!

Contractor: So, do you want me to remove the little mama or what?  You’ll definitely want to get the ducts cleaned out, although that’s not my purview and the companies that do it charge a pretty penny, considering how gnarly things get in there.

Resident: I don’t care if it’s an ugly penny, I can never use my air conditioning again after this disaster, never!

Contractor: I’m sure it’s fine: I doubt the mold spore and germ counts in there are that high.

Resident: But what about the mouse’s – (Flaps a hand in the direction of the vent) you know, leavings?!

Contractor: Yeah, well, I leave that to the professionals who aren’t me.  (Squats down again to examine the vent cover) This thing just pops off the wall when it’s unscrewed, right?

Resident: (Had taken out a cell phone and is dialing) Huh?  Oh, yeah, sure, whatever.  (Holds the phone up to an ear) Excuse me.

Contractor: (Sees the mouse reaching out a tentative paw between the vent cover’s slats, and pats the cover lightly in reassurance) Don’t worry, little buddy – we’ll get you out of there soon.

Resident: (To the phone) Yes, I said “mice”!  An invasion of them!  Now I’m going to have to move out!

Contractor: (Stands; to Resident) I’m just going out to the truck to get a trap – be back in a minute.

Resident: (Distractedly) Yeah, fine, don’t care.  (Back to the phone) What do you mean, you’ll never let me move back in?!  I AM YOUR CHILD!

Contractor: (On the way out) Yeesh.

(Later, Contractor and Resident are in the nearby woods with the trap)

Contractor: (Wearing gloves and holding the trap out to Resident) Want to do the honors?

Resident: (Still on the phone; to Contractor) Are you kidding?!  (Back to the phone) Yes, I want the works!  Fumigation – sterilization – EXTERMINATION!  (Pauses for a few moments) Too bad that it’s not included!

Contractor: (Shakes head slightly, then leans down to release the mouse from the trap onto the ground) Here ya go: be free.  (The mouse does not move; Contractor gently shakes the trap in encouragement) C’mon, get out while the gettin’s good.  (The mouse finally leaves the trap, looks around while sniffing the air, then bolts into the woods without looking back; Contractors stands back up to watch and sighs in contentment) At least that’s a happy ending.

Resident: (To the phone) Bleach – acid – RAZE IT TO THE GROUND!

Contractor: (Walks past Resident) I’ll send you the bill.

Resident: (To the phone) Hold on.  (To Contractor) If I find any more water-impersonating mice in there, I’m not paying a cent!  (Back to the phone) Yes, TOTAL ANNIHILATION!

Contractor: (Mutters) Right now, I envy the mouse.

Story 505: Too Busy to Live in a Horror Movie

(In a suburban house, Mom is on the phone while grabbing laundry from the dryer, kicking toys on the floor out of the way, wiping down random surfaces, etc.  She stops suddenly after rounding a corner to the living room and seeing the couch that was against a side wall now in the center with armchairs piled onto it, topped by the television set)

Mom: (Still on the phone, letting the laundry basket fall to the floor) You know, I’ve just about had it with them rearranging the furniture all the time.  The midnight screaming is one thing – my youngest had colic for six months so, really, please – but this!  (Gestures to the pile, then props the phone against one ear while hauling furniture back to their original positions) No, they think it’s funny to play Tower of Babel so then I have to clean up after them.  I already have three children, thank you!  (Uses a foot to kick the couch back against the wall) Unbelievable; I caught them the other night starting to drip what looked like blood but I suspect was syrup down the bathroom walls – which I had just deep-cleaned literally that same day, mind you – so you can bet I put a quick stop to that.... Sprayed the room with bleach until they knocked it off, what else?  (A low moaning builds up from deep inside the fireplace; Mom watches as gusts of air start shifting the logs inside) Hold on a minute – they’re up to some new garbage now.  (A sudden BANG! bursts open the flue, sending all sorts of debris flying out onto the living room floor as a disembodied presence swoops out of the fireplace and into Mom’s face)

Ghost: WOOOOOOOOO – !

Mom: (Lowers the phone to address Ghost) Well, that’s just great – would you look at all the dirt and insect bodies you strewed all over the place?!  Lucky for you I don’t even bother cleaning this floor more than once a year, else I’d really let you have it!

Ghost: WOOOOOO – huh?

Mom: (Walks through Ghost to lean into the fireplace and feel around inside) Oh, perfect, perfect!  (Comes out again, holding a handle) As if everything else wasn’t enough, now the flue is broken!  And the chimney cleaners were just here last week!  So fixing this is another expense we don’t need and time I don’t have to wait around for them to come back, and meanwhile all sorts of wildlife riffraff are gonna make their way in here unless I figure out how to block off everything because the flue is broken!  (Throws the handle through Ghost, who disappears) Yeah, that’s right, make a mess and evaporate!  (Raises the phone back up again) Sorry about that – got another headache added to my growing list.  I’ll let you go, then – what?  Oh yeah, I’ll see you there tomorrow morning around 10; sewer bills are paid at the Utility Department window, right?... I know there’s a late fee this time!

(At a soccer field, a dozen kids pile into Mom’s car; Mom then floors it to the speed limit)

Mom: (Shouting over the excited din of juvenile chatter) No dilly-dallying tonight, children: as soon as I pull up to your house, get yourself right on out of here because I’ve got a long night of cleaning ahead.

Carpool Child 1: You guys still have the ghosts hanging around trashing the place?

Child 1: Yes!  And it’s soooooo embarrassing!

Mom: “Embarrassing” is not the word for this situation.

Carpool Child 2: I think it sounds so cool – I wish our house was haunted like yours.

Mom: You’re welcome to mop up the muddy footprints and remake the beds 10 times a day and sweep up every broken thing on top of the mess this crew – (Thumbs back to Child 1 and Child 2 in the rear seats) already make on a daily basis!

Child 2: Hey!  But you love us!

Mom: Not when you leave tissues in your pockets for the laundry, I don’t!

Carpool Child 2: Yeah, never mind, I think I’ll pass on all that.

Mom: Wise move.

(At the kitchen table, Mom, Dad, and Child 1, Child 2, and Child 3 try to eat dinner as plates and glasses constantly shift through the air and banging noises in both the basement and the attic occasionally drown them out)

Mom: Now, I don’t want anyone to try using this as an excuse to skip your vegetables: I got wise to that the second time you pulled it and now I’m keeping inventory of everyone’s plates.

Child 1-3: Argggghhhhh…..

Dad: (Snatching a piece of chicken from a passing plate while reading from a large book propped open on a stand perched on the table) Hey everyone, I think from what this thing’s saying we’ve got at least seven poltergeists and other spirits in our home, but it could possibly be as many as 10 or even 1,000.

Mom: Sounds about right.  (Snaps a celery stick in half and starts chomping on it)

Child 3: (To Dad) If one of them dumps me out of bed again tonight, can I call out sick from school and play video games to recover?

Dad: If you’re recovered enough to play video games, you’re going to school.

Child 3: Worth a shot.

Mom: (To Dad) I’ll be out most of the day tomorrow paying bills and uprooting the dead tree, so I just know that these… (Briefly glances around at the children) nuisances will probably take the opportunity to bring the house down – are you sure this didn’t stem from that summoning chant you did at the office party?  Because if it did, you’ll be the first one I’m throwing to them when we’re temporarily homeless.

Dad: (Chuckles) No, I’m pretty certain the party just brought along that one little guy, and he was fine with my lock of hair for his bald head and went on his merry way.  So, the current crew’s presence appears to be… (Scans several pages of the book) unrelated.

(Mom glares at the children)

Child 1-3: Wasn’t us!

Mom: Just checking.  (The house trembles with a loud crash) What nowwwwwww!!! (Everyone jumps up from the table and runs to the living room to see furniture being piled up into a tower again; Ghost giggles while hoisting the television set to the top) HEY!  (Mom points at Ghost, who freezes) You put that back where you found it right now!  (Ghost sheepishly sets the television back onto the entertainment center) And the rest!  (Ghost, grumbling, starts putting the rest of the furniture back in their places as the family returns to the kitchen table; they resume eating and drinking from the flying plates and glasses as the banging continues upstairs and downstairs)

Dad: (Had started reading the book again) It looks like there’re a few passages I can recite to kick them all out of here at once, buuuuuut we have to wait until the next full moon in…. (Check cell phone) three weeks.

Mom: Three weeks?!  The house’ll be destroyed by then!

Child 1-3: Waaaahhhh!!!

Mom: Never mind, never mind – (Takes a deep breath) you and I will take shifts every night for the next three weeks and constantly run interference, that’s all.

Dad: We probably don’t have to go that far; maybe we can get up a little earlier and hope for the best –

Mom: The mortgage is still being paid off.

Dad: I’ll take first watch.

Mom: (Throws a fork at the floating napkin holder, pinning it to the floor) Not for nothing, I wish they’d targeted someone with nothing to do and haunt them instead – I mean really, who has time for this rubbish?!

Story 385: Spring Has Sprung Without Me

(Sibling 2 answers the phone)

Sibling 2: Hey – what’s up?

Sibling 1: Is that the first thing you think of when I call, that something’s wrong?

Sibling 2: Yes: you only call me when something’s wrong, otherwise you just e-mail or text or wait `til we meet in person.

Sibling 1: Oh.  I never realized I was so predictably self-absorbed.

Sibling 2: Don’t trouble yourself – so, what’s up?

Sibling 1: Yeah, so you know how you helped me move into the house about a year ago now?

Sibling 2: Wow, it’s almost a year already?  I feel like we did all that last weekend.

Sibling 1: Don’t get me started on time dilation –

Sibling 2: Don’t worry, I won’t.

Sibling 1: I’m calling because I really haven’t been here all that long, and there’s already a mess.

Sibling 2: Isn’t that just left over from the move?

Sibling 1: That was earlier: this is a whole new mess.  The detritus of life, if you will.

Sibling 2: I’d rather not.

Sibling 1: Well, with the weather finally getting nicer, and Passover and Easter greeting us with the promise of renewal, and Ramadan right around the corner –

Sibling 2: Really?  Seems early this year.

Sibling 1: It can fall on any month of the year since it’s based on a lunar calendar, so there is no “early.”  Anyway, back to me: my brain’s finally registering that it is, at last, spring.

Sibling 2: If you say so – I’m still wearing sweaters every other day.

Sibling 1: And with spring, I feel that I should do the time-honored tradition of… Spring Cleaning.

Sibling 2: AHAHAHAHAHA – oh, you’re serious.  Since when do you do Spring Cleaning?  Or any kind of cleaning, for that matter?

Sibling 1: I clean!  It’s just that the bare minimum I used to get away with at home isn’t going to cut it in my life anymore.

Sibling 2: Welcome to the Wonderful World of Home Ownership.

Sibling 1: Too late, I’ve been there for months.  So, you in?

Sibling 2: On what? You’re taking forever to get to the point.

Sibling 1: Helping me Spring Clean the place on Saturday!

Sibling 2: Arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh – what time?

Sibling 1: Preferably before 10, and I’ll order pizza for lunch.

Sibling 2: I’ll be there at 8.

 SATURDAY AT 8

(Sibling 1 opens the front door to Sibling 2)

Sibling 1: What’s all this?

Sibling 2: (Carrying a bulging trash bag) Supplies.  I figured you might need extra cleaners, dusters, sponges, buckets –

Sibling 1: Whoa-whoa-whoa, this is just cleaning, not clean­-ing.

Sibling 2: …I don’t follow.

Sibling 1: Come inside. 

Sibling 2: (Enters as Sibling 1 closes the door behind them, stares at the living  room, and drops the bag) What – ?!  This is the same mess I left you with when you moved in!

Sibling 1: (Chuckles) How unobservant you are.  That was all boxes of old stuff, which were conspicuously absent when you helped me decorate for the holidays in December.  This – (Spreads arms to encompass the room) – is the accumulation of whole new stuff that pretty much all of us fall victim to in this consumerist world.

Sibling 2: Hardly anyone’s living room looks like this!  You even bought an aquarium and don’t have any fish for it!

Sibling 1: It was a deal at a yard sale.

Sibling 2: You’re actually looking around to bring new junk in?!

Sibling 1: You gonna help me Spring Clean it all or what?

Sibling 2: (Sighs and takes off jacket) Yes, but you’re on your own for the actual cleaning that I thought was going to go on today.

Sibling 1: That’s fine; stuff like that’s a once-a-decade project anyway.

 SIX HOURS LATER

Sibling 2: (Stands in the middle of the now-spacious house, hands on hips, satisfactorily surveying the domain) Well, it’s not perfect, but definitely an improvement over the original monstrosity.

Sibling 1: (While eating, hands a slice of pizza on a plate to Sibling 2) Yeah – I can actually walk a straight line through the place now, thanks.

Sibling 2: Just remember to give away some of those clothes in the closet when you change back over to winter – you don’t need that many shirts.  Or pants.  Or Halloween costumes.

Sibling 1: You never know when an emergency sartorial situation may strike.

Sibling 2: Sure.  You got any soda?

Sibling 1: (Thinks while chewing) I believe there’s a can or two.  (Both walk to the kitchen; Sibling 1 opens the refrigerator door and hunts for a can as Sibling 2 stares in horror)

Sibling 2: What – who – where – how did this happen?!

Sibling 1: What, the food?  (Pops the tab and holds out the can)

Sibling 2: The food that’s everywhere!  This fridge was brand new when you moved in, and now it’s covered in stains and crumbs and I-don’t-want-to-know-what-else!

Sibling 1: (Glances casually at the fridge and runs a finger over a sticky shelf) Huh.  Didn’t notice in the day-to-day.  Guess it could use a wipe here and there.

Sibling 2: It could use a power wash!  Don’t you smell all the horrible, horrible odors combining into one giant STENCH?!

Sibling 1: No, but I have a bad sense of smell, you know that.

Sibling 2: (Storms off, grabs the bag of supplies, brings it into the kitchen, drops it onto the floor, pulls on a pair of gloves, and begins taking items out of the refrigerator and dumping them onto the kitchen table) Get some ice coolers if you can find any in that overflowing closet; get some bags of ice if you don’t have any packs in the freezer; and leave me alone for at least an hour!

Sibling 1: (Stares at the activity for a few moments while drinking the soda, then leaves to get the coolers; mutters to self) Doesn’t seem that bad.  If this is what the season’s gonna have every time though, I think I’ll skip spring next year.