(On a living room couch, Fan is stretched out petting a tiny sleeping cat curled up next a leg while talking on the phone)
Fan: Sure, I think he was a great child actor, and he’s gotten even better as he’s gotten older, but I also just can’t bring myself to see his new movie.
Friend: (Also on a living room couch, stretched out petting a giant sleeping dog lying across the entire body while talking on the phone) Why not? You’ve see practically all his other stuff, and I hear this one’s getting rave reviews so far and it hasn’t even officially been released yet.
Fan: Oh, yeah, I bet it’s great, it’ll probably sweep all the awards and go down in film history as one of the all-time classics, but there’s one sticking point that I just can’t get past.
Friend: And that is?
Fan: It was gleefully blasted online about a year ago that he’s got at least three, shall we say, adult scenes in this, and from what I’ve heard, they’re very adult.
Friend: Uh-huh?
Fan: As in, we’ve gone beyond an R rating and are now in NC-17 territory.
Friend: Uh-huh?
Fan: As in, full frontal and everything that goes with it.
Friend: Uh-huh?
Fan: You’re not realizing the problem with this?
Friend: Well, we’re all supposedly mature grown-ups here, and I know you’ve seen movies with that kind of material before, so what’s the issue?
Fan: The issue is, I’ve seen him on-screen since he was 7 years old!
Friend: Uh-huh?
Fan: I was 21 when his first film came out! Even saying that out loud feels like a crime!
Friend: Oh relax, he’s a grown man now; if he wants to expose himself to the entire world, I say, more power to him.
Fan: And that’s fine, it just doesn’t feel right for me to be in the audience when he does it!
Friend: Whatever: I’ve seen him in the same movies you have and have no problem with it, so I’m going opening weekend and will let you know all about the fantastic cinematic experience you’re missing.
Fan: Great: have a wonderful time, pervert.
Friend: Weirdo.
(They both end the call simultaneously)
Fan: (Is tapped on the face by the now-awake cat) Oh, sorry there, bud – got distracted by a decency dilemma. (Rubs the cats’ ears and checks e-mails on the phone as the latter falls asleep again; leans forward when reading one particular message)
E-mail Message: “CONGRATULATIONS! You have been selected in the recent drawing to see ------ ---------’s new film, Torrid Torments! Prize includes an all-expenses-paid trip to the New York premiere; front row seat to the film; and a pre-premiere meet-and-greet with ------ --------- himself!”
Fan: (In quiet horror) Ohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooo…. Wait a minute, I shouldn’t stress over what’s clearly a scam. (Takes an hour to verify the message’s authenticity) Nope: I entered this drawing, all right. Why on Earth would I do that?! (Calls Friend and relays the message)
Friend: (Petting the giant dog now draped across the chest) What do you mean, you’re not going?! All expenses paid, you fool!
Fan: I know, that’s probably why I entered in the first place without paying attention to the movie title, but were you not listening to what we were just talking about earlier?!
Friend: I was, and if it were me I still wouldn’t care! Airfare – hotel – meals – front-row seat – MEET-AND-GREET! I wouldn’t care if this was for the worst film of all time – if you turn this down, I will never forgive you for depriving me of the opportunity to live it vicariously!
Fan: (Sighs while absentmindedly rubbing the swooning cat’s belly) Well, I guess when you put it that way –
Friend: Yes! When you get there, can you ask ------ what it was like being naked in front of 50 crew members?
Fan: Ewwwwwww!!!!
Friend: Kidding, I’m kidding! Seriously, though: could you promise not to tell anyone else and then ask if he gets a secret thrill from this kind of attention?... Hello?
SEVERAL MONTHS LATER
(In the film premiere venue, Fan is dressed up in business casual and seated at a table waiting in a small meeting room with a studio representative)
Studio Representative: (After checking a phone) OK, just got the word that ------’ll be here in about a minute – nervous?
Fan: (Slowly tearing a napkin to shreds) Not quite the word for it, but yeah.
(Celebrity and entourage suddenly enter the room; Fan and Studio Representative stand)
Celebrity: (Approaches Fan, smiling broadly and hand outstretched) Hello, Contest Winner! Congratulations on your well-deserved prize!
Fan: (Averting eyes as they shake hands) Thanks – nice to meet you.
Celebrity: Nice to meet you as well! (Rubs hands together briskly) So! Are they treating you all right? Flight, hotel, this place – everything good so far?
Fan: (Still not looking Celebrity in the eye) Oh yes, everything has been lovely, thank you.
Celebrity: Perfect! (Checks a watch) Well, we’ve got almost an hour before we need to get to our seats for the main event, so until then, I’m all yours!
Fan: (In a small voice) Yay….
Celebrity: (To one member of the entourage) Could you bring us some waters and snacks, please? (The entourage member nods and leaves; Celebrity turns back to Fan and gestures to a couch) Let’s have a seat, shall we?
Fan: Sure….
(They sit on opposite ends of the small couch; Celebrity leans against the back as Fan sits stiffly straight; the rest of the entourage mills about on phones or chat with each other in chairs while security personnel station themselves by the couch and door)
Celebrity: So! This your first time in New York City?
Fan: (Staring at the floor) No.
Celebrity: Ah.
Fan: (Looks at a wall near Celebrity’s head) I’ve been here a few times, to see shows and… the Library and… all that.
Celebrity: Oh, how nice! I’ve been here before too, but always for film premieres so I never get to do much else.
Fan: Oh, that… stinks.
Celebrity: A little, but one of these days I’m sure I’ll get to be an actual tourist and see a show or… the Library.
Fan: Yeah.
Celebrity: …So! What are your feelings about the film?
Fan: Um…..
Celebrity: I know: words can’t begin to describe the anticipation we all feel about it! I really think this is the best work I’ve ever done, to be honest – (Leans toward Fan confidentially) I’ve been told that I may need to start the ol’ campaign once the film’s officially released, which is, you know, pretty flattering. (Leans back, smiling excitedly)
Fan: (Brow furrowed in confusion, finally looks at Celebrity) Campaign… for office?
Celebrity: Awards.
Fan: Oh! Right… yeah, I’m sure you’ll be nominated for all of them after this.
Celebrity: (Laughs self-deprecatingly) Well, who knows, right? Either way, I don’t mind admitting that I’m a little nervous for today, especially how all the… well, you know… mature scenes will be received.
Fan: (Back to staring at the floor) Oh, I bet.
Celebrity: It’s funny, I’ve been in this business for decades, I’ve done all sorts of roles in all sorts of films, but the moment word gets out that I’m doing nudity for the first time, everyone loses their minds and reverts back to me being a kid again! “Oh, little ------, is he trying to convince us he’s a big boy now?” I’m in my 30s, for crying out loud!
Fan: (Wipes a sweaty temple) Mm-hm.
Celebrity: If I want to expose myself to the entire world, then by golly, I think I’ve earned the right to do so at this point in my career! In fact, I think I’m long overdue!
Fan: (Examining a nonexistent hangnail) Yep.
Celebrity: (Stares at Fan for a moment, then suddenly scootches a little closer on the couch) Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize – does all that actually make you uncomfortable?
Fan: (Nods rapidly while looking back at the floor) A tad. I was an adult when I saw your very first film, so this is all a bit… awkward for me.
Celebrity: Oh my. I never thought about it that way; I thought everyone was just being stuck-up prudes.
Fan: There’s some of that in this, too.
Celebrity: Wow. (Entourage member returns with water bottles and granola bars and hands them to Celebrity and Fan) Thanks.
Fan: Thank you. (Immediately gulps down the water)
Celebrity: (To Fan) But you understand why I did those scenes in the film, right? They’re not gratuitous, or for some cheap thrill – they are absolutely vital for the character I’m playing.
Fan: (After another gulp) I’m sure they are.
Celebrity: (Starts gesturing emphatically) It’ll all become clear when you see the entire work: the character’s arc, the progression from degradation into further and further depravity, the cinematography, the musical score, the sound effects – they all lead to these scenes of extreme joy, or extreme melancholy, depending on your interpretation.
Fan: I know, it’s just… (Looks at Celebrity again) Did you have to be completely naked to convey all that?!
Celebrity: (Blinks) Yes. It’s all in the service of the art we’re creating here. That’s the character’s ultimate transformation: (Leans in intensely) he bares his soul when he bares it all.
Fan: (Tries to smile, and nods) Got it. (Finishes off the water)
Celebrity: (Leans back against the couch and smiles again) I’m glad. Can’t wait until we see it all together! But not “in the altogether,” am-I-right? (Laughs nervously)
Fan: (Rips into the granola bar and bites off half of it) Yep, can’t wait.
ONE HOUR LATER
(In the auditorium, Fan and Celebrity sit together in the front row, enraptured by the film)
Celebrity: (Leans over to whisper in Fan’s ear) What do you think so far?
Fan: (Not looking away from the screen, whispers back) It’s… really good. You did a great job, and so did everyone else involved with this. It’s absolutely mesmerizing.
Celebrity: (Blushes) Aw, thank you! There’s no “I” in “Team”! (They watch the film for a few more moments) Just wanted to let you know the first of those scenes is coming up now.
Fan: (Still watching the screen) Hm? (The soundtrack changes the mood, along with the scene) Oh – oh my –
Celebrity: (Almost giddy while watching the screen) So nervous!
Fan: (As the scene progresses, tilts head down slightly and holds one hand perpendicular to the forehead) Um-hm.
Celebrity: (Looks over to Fan and whispers sharply) What are you doing?! You can’t miss this now – I did six months of squats to get those glutes!
Fan: (Nods while still not looking up) And I can imagine that they were worth it. (Actors on screen start getting more vocal) Hmmmmm…..
Audience Members: (Sitting behind Fan) Sssshhhh!!
Fan: (Whispers back without looking up) Sorry. (Sinks lower in the seat)
Celebrity: (Disappointedly whispers to Fan) Well, you can bring yourself to watch the screen again, the scene’s over now – I’ll warn you when the other ones come up.
Fan: (Resumes previous upright position) Thanks – you’re a pal.
TWO HOURS LATER
(The lights in the auditorium come back on as the film ends and the audience members give a standing ovation; Celebrity, cast members, and other filmmakers in the first few rows stand to smile and wave at everyone, then sit back down as the director and producers approach the stage to give a speech)
Fan: (To Celebrity as the audience members also sit back down, most still applauding) I have to say, that was incredible!
Celebrity: (Smiles in relief) You really think so?
Fan: Yes! You were right, I think this is the best work you’ve ever done! And the other actors and the crew all were great – if the movie doesn’t get at least one award next season, then the whole thing’s a sham.
Celebrity: Wow, thank you so much! It is extremely reassuring to hear such complimentary feedback; I appreciate it greatly, and I’ll let the others know, too!
Fan: (Smiling) Cool, thanks!
Celebrity: (Facing the stage again while the remaining applause fades out in anticipation of the speeches) And by the way, I have to say, you also were right.
Fan: (Also facing the stage again) Hm? How so?
Celebrity: …Could’ve done without the nudity.