Story 525: Be Careful When You Wish for Snow

             (In a townhouse, Resident sits in an armchair staring out the living room window at the bright sunny day and sighs from the bottom of the lungs to the top of the mouth)

Resident: <Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh> I wish we’d have some actual snow this winter.

(A mythologically tiny person pops into view in the middle of the room)

Weather Elf: Your wish is my command!

 Resident: (Leaps out of the chair) Ah!  Demon!  (Grabs a nearby magazine and flings it at Weather Elf, who side-steps out of the way)

Weather Elf: Hey!  But I suppose my appearance was a bit abrupt – would you prefer if I popped outside and knocked on the front door instead?

Resident: (Brandishes a coaster to throw next) What?  No!

Weather Elf: Suit yourself; I’ll just pop over here and relax, then.  (Pops onto the couch and settles in) Got any tea?

Resident: Wha – I – who – you invaded my home, and now you want tea?!  What kind of burglar are you?!

Weather Elf: None, luckily for you, or else this would’ve taken a real nasty turn by now.  I’m a Weather Elf, and you summoned me here – unintentionally, it’s becoming increasingly apparent.  (Resident stares unblinkingly, coaster still raised in the air) Have a seat; we’re not going anywhere anytime soon.  And would you please put that thing down?  I’m clearly not someone who’d be affected by mortal weapons, so you’re only embarrassing yourself.

Resident: (Abashedly sets the coaster back onto a lamp table and sits in the armchair again) All right, then – what do you want?

Weather Elf: Nothing from you: as I said upon my sudden entrance, “Your wish is my command.”  (Does a slight bow while seated, for emphasis) I appropriated that line from the genies, but they’re in the process of obtaining self-emancipation and ultimate retribution so I don’t think they’ll mind too much.  Or notice.

Resident: (Thinking back) Wait, so you heard me wish for snow, and now you’re taking it upon yourself to make it happen?

Weather Elf: Pretty much.  (Nods head at the window) Take a look.

Resident: (Turns to the window and jumps out of the chair again upon seeing that the sunny day is now darkly gray and there are several inches of snow on the ground, with more continuously falling) Whoa!  When did that happen?!

Weather Elf: As soon as I got here, and all the while we’ve been… chatting.

Resident: (Still staring out the window in awe, and now softly smiling at the beauty of the winter wonderland) Wow….

Weather Elf: I know, right?  (Inspects fingernails smugly) Blizzards are my specialty.

Resident: (Snaps out of trance and whips around to face Weather Elf) “Blizzard”?!  No-no-no, I just wanted a little snow!

Weather Elf: (Lowers hand back down and softly sighs in irritation) Not a mind reader, you know.  This area hasn’t had much snow for years, and you clearly stated “actual snow”, which means you wanted a lot of it to make up for lost accumulation.

Resident: Well, yeah, but not a blizzard!  Just one or two inches to cover the grass and trees so they look like a picture postcard!  (Turns back to the window, places both hands on the glass, and leans in to get a better look) Is it a foot already?!

Weather Elf: You betcha!  I figured 18 inches oughta do it.

Resident: (Turns back to Weather Elf) “18 inches”????!!!!

Weather Elf: Uh-huh.  Haven’t seen that around here in almost 30 years, am-I-right?  Should take you straight back to the glory days of your self-absorbed childhood.  (The two stare at each other for a bit) Wanna go sledding?

Resident: No!  This much snow only means the roads’ll be impassable and people’ll probably lose power, and heat!  (Sinks into the chair and covers face with both hands) Oh no, what’ve I done?!  There was so much damage from the flooding and the winds from the random rainstorms last week, and now this!

Weather Elf: (Gets off the couch to walk over to Resident and pat the latter on the shoulder) There, there – no one’s going to lose power in this one, or get any damage, and the roads’ll stay clear so the only accumulation’ll be on the grass and the trees.  The stuff’ll even miraculously stay off the power lines and any other equipment you mortals need to run your daily lives.  Happy?

Resident: (Looks up at Weather Elf and sniffs) Even my car?

Weather Elf: (Glares at Resident) Yes, even all the cars.  It’ll be an inexplicable phenomenon that all the science nerds will spend the next century trying to figure out – but they never will, tee-hee-hee!  (Resident stares blankly at Weather Elf) C’mon, I gotta have some sprinkling of mischief in this.

Resident: Why?

Weather Elf: It’s a compulsion – can’t be helped.  So, can you finally just enjoy this weather event that you longed for, hm?

Resident: (Looks back out the window and is momentarily hypnotized by the steady snowfall and a passing rabbit hopping by in the calm scene) Yes, I think I can.  (Turns back to Weather Elf) Thank you, I really appreciate it.

Weather Elf: Good, since your eternal soul is now MINE.  (Resident’s eyes widen in horror) Had you there for a second.  I love pulling that one: freaks you mortals out every time.

Resident: No kidding.  But seriously, do I owe you some kind of payment now, like seven years of servitude or something like that?

Weather Elf: No, why would you?  You didn’t ask me specifically to do this and we didn’t sign any agreements beforehand, so why would you owe me anything?

Resident: I dunno, I guess because nothing’s ever free, and “Be careful what you wish for,” and these things always come with strings attached and, you know, everything.

Weather Elf: Well – smart, but not applicable in this case.  I really did grant your wish out of the goodness of my heart.

Resident: Aw.

Weather Elf: And I was extremely bored.

Resident: Ah.

Weather Elf: So – we good here?

Resident: Sounds like it, yeah.  Thanks again; this was… nice.

Weather Elf: You’re welcome.  Enjoy the magic of the season you so desperately crave, while it lasts.  (Pops out of view)

Resident: (Turns back to the window, smiling broadly while watching the snow accumulate another six inches on the grass while avoiding the roads and electrical equipment, then furrows brows in thought) Hmmmmm… I wonder if I can call out for a snow day even though I work from home…?

Weather Elf: (Voice) Don’t push it.

Story 486: Easter Blizzard

Relative 1: (On the phone) You know it’s supposed to snow on Easter Sunday, right?  Really badly.

Host: (On the phone) I did hear that vile rumor, and I refuse to lend it any credence: unlike the rest of the world, including the Equator, our area’s had zippo snow this winter, and I absolutely reject buying into the circulating gossip that our one and only blizzard this go-round will arrive post-post-season in the middle of April!

Relative 1: Well, believe it or not; either way, nobody’s showing up at your house for dinner that day.

Host: I’ve got 15 pounds of ham here!  And all that charcuterie!

Relative 1: Maybe save it for Mother’s Day?

Host: You’re no help.

 EASTER SUNDAY

(Host wakes up suddenly, jumps out of bed, runs to the window, throws back the curtains, and takes in the winter wonderland continuously buried by sideways snowfall)

Host: Holy heavens – how is he supposed to rise in this?!

(Some time later, Host is awkwardly shoveling the driveway in a losing battle when the cell phone rings.  Flinging the shovel away and using teeth to tear off a glove, Host unzips several layers of coats to take the phone out of an inner pocket)

Host: (Screaming against the ice-ridden wind) HELLO?!

Relative 1: (Relaxing on an armchair with feet propped up on a cushioned stool in front of a roaring fire, and sipping hot tea) Don’t tell me you’re actually shoveling out your driveway for nonexistent guests.

Host: NOT EVERYONE CANCELLED!

Relative 1: Yeah, bet they’re the same ones who didn’t bother to tell you they were coming in the first place, either.

Host: …IT WAS ASSUMED THEY WERE!

Relative 1: Wait until the snow’s over to shovel it all out; just go back inside and enjoy your ham, `cause I know you cooked it anyway.

Host: IT WAS ALREADY DEFROSTING!

Relative 1: I hear ya.  Whelp, Happy Easter to you – don’t throw out your back.

Host: HAPPY EASTER TO YOU – (The wind almost blows the phone away; Host scrambles to get it back) TOOOOOO!!!!!

Relative 1: (As both end the call) Poor sap.  (Takes a nap)

(After finally realizing that the snow being shoveled is replaced immediately, Host re-enters the house, throws the coats, boots, gloves, and hats into the laundry room, slams the door, and enters the kitchen to check on the ham)

Host: (Opens the oven door) Roast, my lovely, roast.  (Hears the cell phone ringing inside the laundry room) Shoot.  (Slams shut the oven door and flings open the laundry room door to paw through the coats until the phone is found and answered) Hello?

Relative 2: Hey, sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the fam and I aren’t going to make it there today.

Host: I figured.

Relative 2: Yeah, just can’t get going today for some reason.  Sorry also for calling so last-minute – everybody else is already there by now, I bet.

Host: (As the house shudders with a giant blast of wind) No, not really.

Relative 2: Ah, well, you always get a few cancellations at these get-togethers, that’s how it goes.  Happy Easter anyway, and Happy Spring!  (Ends the call)

Host: (Stares at the silent phone) Was that one calling from the Sun?!

(Later that afternoon, after ham dinner-for-one, Host lies on the couch while watching the wintry outdoors; the snowdrifts are now climbing up the windows)

Host: (Unwraps a chocolate bunny and bites off the head) My poor pansies.  (CHOMP) Poor birds.  (CHOMP)  Poor trees, poor grass, poor flowers, poor spring babies.  (CHOMP)  Poor ham, poor appetizers, poor desserts.  (Finishes the bunny and smacks lips in satisfaction) Ahhhh… at least one thing went right today.  (Looks again out the window, which is nearly a wall of white) Well, guess we’ll just have to look forward to a summer of 100°F for months on end to make up for this.

Story 378: Just a Little Snow

 (Friend 1 rings Friend 2’s doorbell)

Friend 2: (Opens the front door in surprise) Heyyyy… what’re you doing here?

Friend 1: (Holds up bags filled with junk food) It’s our Super Bowl Party!

Friend 2: We don’t do that.

Friend 1: It’s our Valentine’s Day Junk Food Fest!

Friend 2: We don’t do that, either.

Friend 1: All right, I’m just bored.

Friend 2: I’d say “Come on in then” but we’re supposed to get about two feet of snow tonight – didn’t you hear the weather?

Friend 1: I did, and fail to see your point.

Friend 2: You might get stuck here if you stay too late.  Or at all, for that matter.

Friend 1: HA!  I was born of the North-Northeast America – I laugh in the face of feet of snow!  (Walks past Friend 2 and dives onto the couch)

 FOUR HOURS LATER

(While watching a movie and eating all the junk)

Friend 1: I’ve seen this thing a hundred times and I still always think that guy’ll live at the end.

Friend 2: That guy’s a serial killer!

Friend 1: There’s that one moment of possible redemption – the movie should end there, while I still have hope for happiness.

Friend 2: Where’s the fictional justice in that?  (Glances toward a window) Oh whoa, it’s really comin’ down.

Friend 1: Hm?  (Eats some more popcorn while looking at the window) Eh – no biggie.

Friend 2: You probably should get going; it’ll take forever to clean off your car even now and the roads’ll be terrible.

Friend 1: And miss the end of the movie?!

Friend 2: You already know how it ends!

Friend 1: And I want to see it again!  As for the rest of that – (Waves dismissively at the lint storm outside) I’ll take care of it tomorrow.

Friend 2: Oh, so you’re just inviting yourself to stay the night, is that it?

Friend 1: (Taps foot on what turns out to be an overnight bag) You won’t even know I’m here.

Friend 2: Says you.

 THE NEXT MORNING

 Friend 2: (Steps over Friend 1 in a sleeping bag on the living room floor in order to look out the window) Ooh, they barely plowed the street, and when I shovel the driveway that’s when they’ll come by and plow me in again, I just know it!

Friend 1: (Stirs noisily) Huh?  Shovel?

Friend 2: Yes, the things those of us who don’t have the luxury of a parking garage on a city street have to use.

Friend 1: (Stands and looks out the window) Pfft.  You don’t need to shovel that.

Friend 2: How else am I gonna get to work?

Friend 1: Call out?

Friend 2: Not at my job.

Friend 1: (Stares challengingly at the frozen field staring back) I’ll take care of it.

(Outside and so bundled they can barely move, Friend 1 burrows through the snow in the driveway to climb through the driver’s side door of the car parked behind Friend 2’s car)

Friend 1: (Shouting through the open window over the wind and snow resettling around the car) You see, you don’t even have to clean off your car – just turn it on and everything melts!  (Turns on the car to demonstrate)

Friend 2: Not fast enough!  There’s about three feet of snow all over!

Friend 1: It’s not a matter of degree, it’s a matter of technique.  You must WILL the car through the snow!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Observe.  (Revs the engine a bit, floors the gas pedal, changes from Reverse to Drive several times to rock the car, then suddenly bursts backward through the snow in the driveway and out onto the street) See?  Piece of cake.  Want a ride to work?

Friend 2: (Staring with feet slowly freezing) Sure, why not.

(On the highway, Friend 1 tailgates a plow/sander truck)

Friend 2: You may want to back up a bit – and slow down a bit –

Friend 1: And let the snow immediately cover the roads again?!  Never!  (Turns a corner at high speed, fishtailing slightly)

Friend 2: (Holding onto the passenger side window) Easy there, partner!

Friend 1: If we slow down or – heavens forbid – stop, we’ll never be able to start again!  The wintry mix’ll have us!

Friend 2: I don’t want to wind up hugging a telephone pole or another car, either!

Friend 1: We won’t!  Not as long as we show no hesitation, show no fear!  (Shakes a fist while driving through a yellow traffic light as it turns red)

Friend 2: And what if that was red before we got there?

Friend 1: Then I’d’ve just kept coasting till it turned green again.  (Swerves into Friend 2’s parking lot at work)

Friend 2: You can drop me off over there, and please don’t hit any of my coworkers on your way out.                                              

Friend 1: Nonsense!  I’m skipping work today, so I’ll park here and explore the Magical Winter Wonderland all around us until your shift’s over.

Friend 2: Oh-kay, but there seem to be a lot of spots not really plowed out yet –

Friend 1: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!  (Slams the car onto a snowbank, managing to stay between the parking spot lines; shuts off the engine and unlocks the doors) Have a nice day at work, sweetie!

Friend 2: (Gingerly emerges from the car) Gee, thanks – hope your car’s still in one piece by the time I get back.

Friend 1: No faith whatsoever.

 EIGHT-AND-A-HALF HOURS LATER

 (Friend 2 returns to Friend 1’s car; the snow never stopped and the car has been buried again)

Friend 2: (Gingerly lands on the passenger seat) So, enjoy your romp?

Friend 1: Yeah, for a few minutes; the snow in my face got tiresome, so I came back here and napped for the rest of the day.  (Turns on the engine)

Friend 2: Well it looks like you got plowed in a bit so you might have to dig out your back tires.

Friend 1: Please.  (With squealing tires, reverses out of the spot by slamming through the snow)

Friend 2: (Holding onto the car ceiling) You sure this isn’t a tank?!

Friend 1: (Cackles wildly) You wish!  (Flies out of the parking lot and onto the snowy streets, with giant waves of dirty slush cascading on either side of the car all the way)

Friend 2: Wait a minute, what about the snow on the roof of this thing?

Friend 1: I told you, it all melts off!  My car is magic, I say!

Friend 2: Whatever – as long as it doesn’t fly off onto someone’s windshield.

(They plow, skid, swerve, and bounce the entire way back to Friend 2’s house and bump up onto the packed driveway)

Friend 2: (Falls out of the car onto a snow mattress; holds onto the car door to stand up again) Well, thanks for the lift, and be safe getting home, OK?

Friend 1: Do you know who you’re talking to?!  (After Friend 2 flings the door shut and backs away, Friend 1 throws the car into reverse, stalls, and then stares at the dashboard in horror) Ah!  This can’t be happening!

Friend 2: What, you finally got stuck in the snow?

Friend 1: No – I ran out of gas!

Story 219: Winter Woes of the Car Owner

            She got into her car and started the ignition, as one does.

            “Hi,” The Car said to her.

            “Huh?” she replied.

            “Listen,” The Car continued, “normally I let my indicator lights do the talking, but we’ve got a situation here that’s been flying under the radar for far too long, if you get my drift.”

            “What?”

            “Look, neither of us is getting any younger and we’ve had a good run so far, but it’s time to face facts and realize that I desperately need a heart transplant.”

            “What?!”

            “Right, I forgot, humans call it a ‘battery.’  Whatever.”

            She finally snapped out of her shock.  “I am not getting a new battery; I just got a new battery!”

            “That was over four years ago, darling.”

            “No it wasn’t!  It was – that summer when – last year – no, the year before – ohhhh….”

            “Yes, time doth fly and all that.  Bottom line is, the life expectancy of this thing’s three to five years, so we’re creeping up on the maximum limit right now.  Plus the weather’s been in the single digits lately and that snow and salt’ve been doing me absolutely no good whatsoever.”

            “But the battery’s working just fine!  It’s working right now!  And while you’re insisting something’s wrong with it, you’re just keeping yourself idling, which is costly, noxious, and wasteful!”

            “Nothing’s stopping you from driving – we can still chat on the go.”

            She agreed with that at least and began her work commute.  “But I don’t see why I should spend the money on something that’s working just fine!” she brought up again.  “Nothing’s wrong with it!”

            The Car sighed through the vents.  “‘Nothing’s wrong with it’?  Do you even listen to me when you’re in here?!”

            “Of course I do!  You purr like a freaking kitten!”

            “I haven’t purred in a decade and you know it – I have been stuttering, sputtering, and stalling lately.”

            “What, that one time?  Not going to the mechanic for that!”

            “Try 15 times.  In the past month.”

            “…Well, you’re getting old, it’s to be expected.  Outta my way, jerk!”  <BEEEEEP!>

            “Much as I admire your callousness to my years and your rough handling of my steering column, you really need to accept that there’s a problem when it’s literally screaming at you in the face.”

            “I clearly don’t have time for this right now.  How about after the holidays I’ll bring you in for a nice expensive tune-up and have this all straightened out then, hm?”

            “I’ll try to reschedule my chronic conditions to your convenience.”

ONE WEEK LATER

            She got into her car and tried to start it.

            “Huh?”

            STUTTER – SPUTTER – GASP – KLUNK

            “Oh no-no-no-no-no-” she obeyed the futile instinct of continuing to turn the failed ignition.

            The Car could not remain silent.  “I told you, I told you, and I told you, and still you chose to brush me off – BEHOLD THE RESULT!”

            “No-no-no-no-” she insisted on repeating and turning, both of which were pointless time-fillers.  “Why does this always happen when I have to go somewhere?”

           “That really would be the only reason to start a car, wouldn’t it?  To go somewhere?”

            “What am I going to do?!”  She banged her head against the steering wheel.

            “Your only actual option right now is to get me a new battery!  Twit.”

            “But it’s a blizzard out there and I have to get to work!”

            “Call for a tank or call out sick; I’m done.”

            She got out of The Car and slammed the door.  “You know, I liked you better when you weren’t sassin’ me!”

           “Likewise.  And if you play your cards right, you’ll also get to replace the transmission within a few days, `cause that’s next.”