Story 599: The Audience Really Does Make the Show

            (In the backstage area of a makeshift wrestling arena, professional wrestlers mill about warming up and getting into character; on the other side of the curtains, audience members take their seats in the folding chairs around the center ring)

Wrestler 1: (Doing push-ups against a wall while Wrestler 2 is doing lunges) Wait, so am I now kicking you in the stomach or bashing you in the head with a chair after the first pin?

Wrestler 2: Kick to stomach; I roll out of the ring, then I bash you with the chair when you come after me.

Wrestler 1: Got it.  Is it a bad sign I’m starting to mix up choreography from one match to another?

Wrestler 2: I’ll try to cover for you if it happens, but I wouldn’t let anyone else hear you say that.

Wrestler 1: Thanks.  I don’t think the audience really cares as long as we’re continually beating each other up, am-I-right?

Wrestler 2: (Switches to squats) To a point, but if you go for a clothesline at the same time I go for a backbreaker, I think we’re all gonna have a problem.

Wrestler 1: Heh-heh, yeah.

(Announcer rushes in, looking stressed)

Announcer: (Waves Wrestlers and Referee in closer) Everyone, huddle up please, I’ve got some news.

Wrestler 3: (As everyone gathers around) What, are we all fired?!

Announcer: No!  Why would you even think – ?  Never mind: I just found out that there’s been a slight mix-up in venues, so our audience for today’s show is not exactly our… regulars.

Referee: How do you mean?

Announcer: Well... I was told that this space was advertising Romeo and Juliet for today.

(The others howl with laughter, then trickle off)

Wrestler 4: Wait, you’re serious?!

Announcer: `Fraid so.

Referee: So why don’t we just pack up and move to the right venue now?

Announcer: It’s too late for us to move all our stuff out and the other show to move all their stuff in – everyone literally just found out the mistake when the audience here showed their tickets about 10 minutes ago.

Wrestler 5: And no one walked out?!

Announcer: Some did, but the majority didn’t want to drive another hour in city traffic to get to the right show, so they figured might as well stay with full refunds.

Wrestler 5: (Nods) Ah, lazy: I get it.

Announcer: (Briskly rubs hands together) So!  Same show as usual, just don’t expect as much… interaction as you normally get, `K?

Wrestler 6: (Raises hand) Ooh!  Can I finally do my Hamlet monologue during my entrance, pleeeeeeease?!

Announcer: Ergh, fine, do a few lines, but don’t be disappointed if you just remind them what they’re missing out on.

Wrestler 6: (Fist pumps) Yes!  Drama degree finally paying off!

Announcer: All right, everyone, let’s give `em a show!

Wrestlers and Referee: YEAH!

Usher: (Peaks head through the curtains separating the backstage from the frontstage) Hi, sorry to interrupt, but you could you all keep it down a little back here, please?  You’re making the crowd out there nervous.

Announcer, Wrestlers, and Referee: (In a whisper) SORRY!

(In the arena, the business-casual dressed audience members sit quietly in the first two rows of folding chairs on all four sides surrounding the ring.  The lights dim, then blaze in multicolor frenetic motion on the entrance ramp leading to the ring; loud music blares out from the speakers as Announcer emerges from behind the curtains to polite applause; Referee slips through the curtains shortly afterward and unobtrusively enters the ring)

Announcer: (Microphone causes voice to echo loudly through the mostly-empty arena) LAAAAADIES AAAAAAND GEEEEENTLEMEN!  Have we got a show for you today!  (Two audience members briefly clap)  And now, our first contestant in our extravaganza of destruction!  Weighing 155 lbs and fresh out of anger management therapy, please welcome, DOOM-MAKER!  (Polite applause from the audience members)

Wrestler 1: (Flings aside the curtains and grabs the microphone from Announcer to address the audience) That’s right: I am your doom, and I am here to rough!  Stuff!  Up!  (Staggered applause from the audience members) I don’t need your pity cheers!  I don’t need any of you, AHAHAHAHAHA!!!  (Several audience members start to stand up to leave) No, I’m kidding, please stay!  (They sit back down as Wrestler 1 hands the microphone back to Announcer and then jogs down the ramp to enter the ring)

Announcer: What a fiend!  And now, weighing 150 lbs and looking for trouble in all the right places, please welcome, APOCALYPSE RISEN!

Wrestler 2: (Runs out through the curtains, pointing and yelling at Wrestler 1 as the audience members at the end of either side of the ramp shrink away) I’m coming for YOU, d’ya hear me?!  I’m coming for YOU!

Wrestler 1: (Standing in the center of the ring, spreads arms wide as Wrestler 2 hops up through the ropes) Come and get me, I’m right here!

Audience: [Polite applause]

Referee: (Struggling to separate the two Wrestlers who are lunging toward each other) Let’s have a nice, clean match, OK?!

Wrestler 1: You wish!

Wrestler 2: Oh, it is ON!

Referee: Aaaaand – BEGIN!  (Releases the Wrestlers and steps back as the loud music stops and a bell clangs to signal the start of the match)

Wrestler 1 and Wrestler 2: (Grabbing the back of each other’s head) AAAAHHHH!!!!

Audience: [Stunned silence]

(Wrestler 1 throws Wrestler 2 onto the ring’s mat)

Wrestler 2: (Exaggeratedly twitches around) Ah!  My back!

Audience Member 1: (Leans in toward the ring) Oh no, are you OK?

Wrestler 1: (Leans over the ropes) No, he is not OK!  He’s going to be DESTROYED!

Audience Member 1: (Sits back) Oh dear.

Referee: (To Wrestler 1) You: off the ropes!  (Starts counting with exaggerated hand gestures) ONE!  TWO! –

Wrestler 1: (Gets off the ropes to get in Referee’s face) Get outta my face, Ref!

Audience Member 2: Rude.

(Wrestler 2 suddenly grabs Wrestler 1 by the ankle and yanks the latter down onto the mat)

Audience Member 3: Hey, that’s cheating!

Audience Member 4: I must say, even if it’s technically a legal maneuver, it shouldn’t be allowed all the same; it’s just not cricket.

Wrestler 2: (Lifting Wrestler 1’s leg in the air while pinning the rest of him; Referee dives to their level and starts counting with exaggerated hand gestures and long pauses between numbers) Then we’re real lucky this ain’t cricket, eh?!

Audience Member 4: Well I never!

Wrestler 2: I bet you haven’t!

(Wrestler 1 breaks out of the hold before Referee reaches “THREE!”, then show-kicks Wrestler 2 in the stomach)

Wrestler 2: (Bowls over in fake agony) Ooooohhhhh!!!!

Audience: [Sympathetic wincing]

Wrestler 1: (Strutting around the ring, arms wide open toward the Audience, looking for cheers and/or boos) Yeah?!  Yeah?!

Audience: [Disapproving silence]

Wrestler 1: [Uncomfortable throat-clearing]

(Wrestler 2 suddenly rolls out of the ring and runs toward an empty row to grab an unused folding chair; Wrestler 1 also rolls out of the ring)

Referee: Hey!  Both of you back in here now!

Wrestler 1: (Turns to shout back at Referee) You’re not the boss of me!

(Wrestler 2 runs up from behind and bashes Wrestler 1 in the head with the chair, knocking the latter to the floor)

Audience Member 5: (Seated right in front of this, suddenly stands) Help!  Someone call an ambulance!

Wrestler 1 and Wrestler 2: (Each holding a hand out to Audience Member 5) No-no, it’s fine, everything’s fine – !

Referee: (Leaning over the ropes; to Audience Member 5) Get back in your seat, please!

Audience Member 5: (Slowly sits back down) This is worse than Titus Andronicus.

Wrestler 6: (Sticks head out between the curtains) NO IT ISN’T!  (Is pulled back by unseen hands)

Referee: (To Wrestler 1 and Wrestler 2) Get back in here now or you’re both disqualified!

Wrestler 2: (While re-entering the ring) All right, Ref, hold your horses!

Audience Member 6: (Leans down toward Wrestler 1 as the latter melodramatically struggles to stand after the head-bashing) Keep your chin up – just know I’m rooting for you, old sport.

Wrestler 1: (Pauses mid-stagger) …Thanks.

(After Wrestler 1 re-enters the ring, both Wrestlers deliver over-the-top slaps, kicks, punches, body-slams, and other mutual punishments to the resounding sound of silence, with an occasional whimper from an audience member)

Referee: (Gets a signal from Announcer and leans down to mutter as Wrestler 2 is pinning Wrestler 1) Wrap it up.

Wrestler 1: (With head clamped in a half nelson by Wrestler 2, mutters back) Now?  But we haven’t even gotten to the high-dives yet!

Referee: (Mutters) I don’t think they’d be appreciated.  (Louder with exaggerated hand movements) ONE!  TWO!  THREE!

(Bell clangs rapidly and loud music starts up again as Wrestler 2 stands in triumph and has an arm raised by Referee to be declared the victor)

Announcer: And the winner is… APOCALYPSE RISEN!

Wrestler 2: (Raises both arms) YESSS!!!  (Leans down to Wrestler 1 still lying on the mat) In!  Your!  Face!

Wrestler 1: [Moans in stage pain]

Audience: [Polite applause]

Announcer: (As Wrestler 2 exits the ring, circles the four sides of the audience looking for cheers and/or boos and receiving stunned stares instead, then follows Wrestler 1 who is staggering up the ramp) Coming up next: another epic match, another bout of obliteration!  Sit tight, folks, you don’t want to miss a single moment!  (Quickly turns and goes through the curtains to the backstage area, then points to Wrestler 6) You’re up next: recite the whole dang play if you have to at this point; we’re dying out there.

Wrestler 6: (Holding back tears) Really?  This is like a dream come true.

Wrestler 5: (Shakes wrists and rotates ankles to warm up) I don’t get it: I thought those Shakespeare plays are so bloody and what-not, you’d think everyone out there’d lap this all up.

Wrestler 6: (After briefly gargling salt water) Yes, well, the plays may often be bloody, but the audiences for them nowadays are pretty sedate; we would’ve done better with the groundlings at the Globe Theatre from days of old.

Wrestler 5: Yeah.  You know, that makes me wonder….

Wrestler 6: What?

Wrestler 5: How’s the other venue holding up, then?

Wrestler 5 and Wrestler 6: (Look off into the distance to ponder) Hmmm…. 

THE OTHER VENUE 

(Romeo and Juliet, Act III, Scene I is being performed on a gymnasium stage as casually dressed audience members rowdily watch)

“Mercutio”: “O calm, dishonorable, vile submission!  Alla staccata carries it away.”  (Draws a prop sword)

Audience: Ooooooohhhh!!!!

“Tybalt”: “I am for you.”  (Also draws a prop sword)

Audience: Whoooooooooaaaaaaaa!!!!

“Romeo”: “Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up.”

“Mercutio”: (To “Tybalt”) “Come, sir, your passado.  (“Mercutio” and “Tybalt” begin stage sword fighting)

Audience: (Standing as one) YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!  DESTROY HIM!!!!!!

(The fight and dialogue continue until “Mercutio” is “stabbed” by “Tybalt”)

Audience: YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!/BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

“Mercutio”: “I am hurt.   A plague o’ both houses!”

Audience Member 7: You tell `em, Mercutio!

(After more dialogue and fighting, “Romeo”  “stabs” “Tybalt”)

Audience: (Still standing) YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!/BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Audience Member 8: Oh no, Tybalt!

Audience Member 9: Finally, Romeo!  About time you did something, you twit!

(Backstage, Director raptly watches the action both on-stage and in the seats as Venue Owner approaches)

Venue Owner: (Quietly to Director) Again, I am so sorry for the mix-up – I don’t even know how to begin making up for it!

Director: (Without looking away from the two sets of crowds) Hm?  Oh, don’t even worry about it.

Venue Owner: …For real?

“Prince”: “Immediately we do exile him hence.”

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Audience Member 10: Justice for Tybalt!

Audience Member 11: Romeo did nothing wrong!

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Director: (Grinning wildly; to Venue Owner) Are you kidding?  Other than their extreme disappointment that Juliet wouldn’t hip toss Romeo over the balcony earlier, this is probably the most enthusiastic audience we’ve ever had!

Story 598: Retail Time Vs. Real-World Time

            (In a department store full of vacationing children, suffering parents/guardians, and irritated regulars, Shopper enters pushing a cart and whistling happily while zigzagging through the crowds)

Shopper: Ahhhhh…. Nothing beats coming into an air-conditioned store on a hot summer’s day.  Except maybe going to the beach.  Or a pool.  Or staying at home.  Or – ooh, slushies!  (Diverts to the front-and-center slushy counter and orders the biggest size to nurse throughout the store) Ahhhhh…. Nothing beats a freezing, sugary drink in an air-conditioned store on a hot summer’s – (Nearly chokes on the slushy when entering an open space filled with “BACK TO SCHOOL!” displays) What horror is this?!  It’s only July!

Employee: (Slowly passing by with a cart full of tried-on clothes to reshelve) You’re telling me – we had to put all these up by 4^th of July weekend.

Shopper: (Whispers at Employee’s steadily retreating form) Madness.  (Turns back to one of the displays, stares at the notebooks, pens, pencils, backpacks, and lunchboxes waiting eagerly to be brought to school, then shakes head to snap out of it and mutters while turning the cart around) It’s OK – it can’t hurt you – you haven’t had to go back to school in over 20 years –that’s mildly depressing….

(Shopper forces the cart away from the gravitational pull of school supplies and merrily rolls along, ignoring the clearance swimwear and beach gear, and turns a corner to stare down a long aisle)

Shopper: WHAT THE BLAZES IS THIS?!

(Halloween decorations and costumes fill the entire aisle, both sides)

Motion-Sensor Giant Werewolf: (Looms over Shopper entering the aisle) Beware the full moon, beware the setting sun, beware the bubbling cauldron, beware the grave, ahahahaha!

Shopper: I think you’re a little confused there, creep.  (To the rest of the aisle, some parts of which are moving) I can’t face your torments right now – begone!  (Nothing changes) Oh right, I’m the one who has to leave.  (Maneuvers the cart to the next aisle and starts to go down it)

Motion-Sensor Giant Turkey: (Looms over Shopper entering the aisle) Hi there!  This is Tom Turkey wishing you and yours a Happy Thanks– !

Shopper: Nope!  (Immediately turns around to leave the aisle and runs with the cart as fast as possible through the human obstacle course in the store’s main thoroughfare until reaching the end, then sharply turns and heads down that aisle to reach the back corner of the store, sipping the slushy the entire way)

Shopper: (Noisily slurping the bottom of the cup while turning the corner at the back of the store) Safe at last, safe at –

Winter Wonderland: JINGLE BELLS/ JINGLE BELLS/ JINGLE ALL THE –

Shopper: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  (Flings away the empty cup, abandons the cart, and somehow avoids collisions while running through the crowds and back out the main entrance into the hot summer’s day) No one will take summer away from me – NO ONE!!! 

Employee: (Watching while still slowly pushing the cart of clothes; softly) Wish I could join you….

Story 597: We Interrupt This Work Meeting With Family Chaos

             (At a video conference, each attendee’s computer screen is filled with tiles of everyone seated at their remote work stations, all of them at home but each with a background of a generic corporate wall, fake shelves stuffed with fake books, or the beach)

Manager: Hi everyone, sorry for the last-minute meeting today but I just got word from the higher-ups that the project we originally were told was due in six months is now due on Monday.  (Five faces stare back blankly) I would say this is an unbelievable shock, but we all know by now that it’s neither and we really should have seen it coming, so that’s on me.

Coworker 1: Don’t blame yourself: we’re all pretty much used to always-moving deadlines; we’re just stubbornly caught off-guard in resentment every time, that’s all.

Manager: Thanks.

Coworker 2: So when they said “Monday”, did they mean this Monday or some hypothetical Monday in a possible future that may or may not happen?

Manager: …This Monday.

Coworker 2: Drat – thought maybe there was a loophole we could wiggle through.  I withdraw the question.

Manager: You can’t withdraw it if I already answered it.

Coworker 2: Drat.

Coworker 3: (Raises a hand) Does this mean we have to work overtime for the rest of the week?

Manager: This isn’t school so you don’t have to raise your hand, and yes, that’s one of the things I wanted to bring up today: overtime until everything is finished.

Coworker 4: But that’s still cramming hundreds of hours of work into the remaining dozens of hours left in the next few days – it’s physically impossible!

Manager: That’s another of the things I wanted to bring up today: does anyone here have any experience with manipulating time dilation to our advantage? 

(There is a crash from the background of Coworker 5’s screen)

Coworker 5: (Looks off-screen sharply) HEY!  WHAT IS THIS?!  (Muffled voices are heard) I’M COMING OUT THERE NOW!  (Back to the group) So sorry, I have to take care of something real quick, I’m gonna mute the microphone and turn off the camera, be right back, thanks-bye!  (Is seen clicking the mouse a few times and then standing up and running away)

Manager: OK, but your camera’s still –

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) ALL RIGHT, WHAT DID I SAY?!  WHAT DID I SAY??!!

Manager: I think the speaker got turned off instead of the microphone.  Anyway, we’ll keep going: right now, I’d like us all to take a collective breath before doing a deep dive into the numbers pool –

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TWO??!!... GET THAT THING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!

Off-Screen Voice 1: I DIDN’T START IT!

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) WELL WHO DID?!... DON’T POINT AT EACH OTHER!

Off-Screen Voice 2: SHE’S TOUCHING MY HAIR!

Off-Screen Voice 1: HE’S BREATHING ON ME!

Off-Screen Voice 2: I HATE YOU!

Off-Screen Voice 1: I HATE YOU MORE!

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) I HATE YOU BOTH EQUALLY RIGHT NOW!

Off-Screen Voices 1 and 2: [GASP!]

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) GOOD, NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR UNDIVIDED ATTENTION, YOU BETTER KNOCK IT OFF THIS INSTANT OR THERE’LL BE NO WATERPARK NEXT WEEK!

Off-Screen Voices 1 and 2: [GASP!]

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT – NOT SO FUN NOW, IS IT?!... WELL??!!

Off-Screen Voice 1: …I DIDN’T START IT!

Off-Screen Voice 2: WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO BE SO ANNOYING?!

Off-Screen Voice 1: AM NOT!

Off-Screen Voice 2: AM TOO!

Off-Screen Voice 1: I’M GONNA BREAK ALL YOUR TOYS!

Off-Screen Voice 2: NOT IF I BREAK ALL YOURS FIRST!

Coworker 5: (Off-screen) THAT’S IT!!!  (Sounds of footsteps and then two separate doors being slammed shut) NOT ANOTHER WORD OUT OF EITHER ONE OF YOU!  I’LL LET YOU OUT AT DINNER TIME, SO SPEND THE REST OF THIS LOVELY SUMMER AFTERNOON THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU DID!  NOW, I’M GOING BACK TO A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING, AND YOU BETTER NOT GIVE ME ANY MORE STRESS TODAY OR ELSE I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT!  I’LL!  DO!!!  (Footsteps as Coworker 5 calmly returns to the desk, takes a slow breath, smoothes back hair, checks the meeting controls, and widens eyes in realization; to the group) Ummm… was my microphone actually on this whole time?

Manager: (Finishes eating popcorn) Oh yeah.  I tried calling your cell phone at the beginning but it went to voicemail.

Coworker 5: (Slowly slumps in the chair) Oh… no.… I just got myself fired, didn’t I.

Manager: Nah – we still need you for the horrendous project, and you and your kids made that seem not so bad anymore.

Coworker 5: …My pleasure.

Story 596: 4th of July Perspectives

            “I’m so thrown off with 4^th of July being a Friday this year – I keep thinking today’s Saturday!  And most people get a three-day weekend at work, but apparently my job is so important they’re making us work today, holiday or not!  I never get any fun on weekday holidays; my life stinks!”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that General Washington and the Continental Army spent Christmas Day 1776 marching in freezing weather and then Christmas Night crossing the Delaware River to then fight a battle at Trenton?  Most of the U.S. soldiers barely had any shoes, or clothing warm enough, and two of them froze to death.”

“….”

“….”

“You know, I always say working on a holiday has its perks: the pay’s great and it’s usually quiet, so I really don’t mind it at all, ever!”

“Mm-hm.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *     

“Ugh, Internet’s out again!  How’m I supposed to get anything done if it keeps going out – ooh, it’s back! – nope, it’s out again – what a tease!  I think it’s trying to give me a heart attack: this is just the worst, the absolute worst, right when I’m trying to message the group to meet up for fireworks, tonight of all nights, arrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that messages travelled so slowly in the 1700s that sometimes it was months before England received an update on how the American Revolutionary War was going?  And sometimes messages sent from one part of the Continental Army to another got there too late, or never at all?”

“…Months, eh?  That’s rough.”

“Yes it was.”

“…Suppose I could just use my phone and call everyone.”

“Mm-hm.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *   

“4^th of July, woo-hoo!  Independence from tyranny!  Resistance against oppression!  Freedom from imperial bondage!”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that quite a few members of the Continental Army in the American Revolutionary War, including its leader, enslaved their fellow human beings and failed to appreciate the irony of the situation?”

“Huh?”

“A number of soldiers themselves actually were enslaved, and certainly didn’t receive any independence or freedom when the war was over.”

“Umm….”

“There was no complete official freedom from slavery in the U.S. until June 19, 1865, almost 90 years after the Declaration of Independence proclaimed that ‘all men’ have the right to ‘life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.’”

“…Oh.  Guess ‘all men are created equal’ really left out a lot of people, huh?”

“Mm-hm.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *       

“I love 4^th of July fireworks, don’t you?”

“Mm-hm.”

“Makes you almost feel like you’re in the middle of a Revolutionary War battle, doesn’t it?”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that the cannons, muskets, and bayonets used in the American Revolutionary War actually – ”

“Stop, OK?  Just stop: I take back what I said, just let me enjoy the pretty shapes and colors and things that go ‘boom.’”

“…Oh, all right.” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *   

“Ugh, 4^th of July being over a three-day weekend is such a drag!  I have parties every day, and fireworks every night, I’m gonna be exhausted by the time I get back to work on Monday, I’ll need a vacation from having time off!”

“Mm-hm.  Did you know that the soldiers in the American Revolutionary War often had to sleep with their muskets and march day and night ready to fight when they arrived, hoping they’d win, hoping they’d eventually get paid, hoping they’d be able to go home one day, and hoping their families and farms or business would still be there when they got back?”

“…You know, I love how people get so much in the spirit of the holiday and are so generous to invite me to all their parties!  Makes me appreciate the life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness that so many people sacrificed so much for future generations to benefit from, don’t you agree?”

“Mm-hm.”