Story 621: When a Real Snowstorm Comes Along

 DAY -2 

(In a chaotic supermarket, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate their shopping carts through the free-for-all in the aisles)

 Friend 1: Did we really need to come here on a Friday night when literally everyone else is here?

Friend 2: (Focused on the refrigerated cases) Huh?  What are you going on about now?

Friend 1: (Gestures to the panicked crowds) I mean, what are we all doing here?  We live in the Northeastern U.S. – we have had snow before, it’s nothing new.

Friend 2: (Grabbing a gallon of milk and dropping it into the cart) Yeah, but not this bad in at least the past 10 years.  This is the first time I could get to the store this week, and who knows how soon the roads’ll be cleared up before we can get here again?  Better to be safe than sorry.

Friend 1: (As they squeeze through the aisle again) Sure, but what do we really need that we don’t already get enough of on our regular supermarket runs each week?

Friend 2: I just said – fine: milk.

Friend 1: I don’t drink it.

Friend 2: (Reaching onto a shelf and grabbing a carton to hold up) Eggs?

Friend 1: Don’t eat them.

Friend 2: (Drops the carton into the cart) Bread?

Friend 1: Got enough for a year.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1’s empty cart) Then what are you doing here?

Friend 1: Had no plans tonight.

Friend 2: (Moves on) If you’re not getting anything for yourself, ditch the cart up front and help me with the rest – otherwise, run for it!

Friend 1: (Stares at the cart, then tosses in a bottle of juice and weaves through the crowd casually) Nothing to see, just trying to fit in…. 

DAY -1 

(At night, Friend 1 is sitting in front of a living room window and looking through binoculars up at the heavens when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Answers by turning on the speaker phone and returns to looking up) Larder still stocked?

Friend 2: (Wrapping water pipes with newspapers) Always.  You have your heat turned up to at least 65°F, the cabinet doors open in front of the pipes, and water dripping from the faucets?

Friend 1: (Without looking away from the atmosphere) Whyyyyyy… would I do something so wasteful?

Friend 2: To keep the pipes from freezing and bursting!

Friend 1: Pff.  Urban legend.

Friend 2: Urban fact!  It’s gonna get as low as 3° overnight!  THREE!  DEGREES!

Friend 1: Sounds like a scam.

Friend 2: For the love of – you live in a condo, think of your neighbors!

Friend 1: Why?  I doubt they give me a second thought, let alone a first.

Friend 2: They’ll give you more than that when they sue you for flooding their units with all the water from your broken pipes!

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers the binoculars) I’ll call you right back. 

30 MINUTES LATER 

Friend 2: (Answers the phone while curled up in a blanket on the couch) Well?

Friend 1: (Back to looking through binoculars up at the night sky) Well, our association e-mailed us the same suggestions you just mentioned, so I’m all done with setting that stuff up, Mom.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Now if your pipes still burst after all that, you know you did everything you could to prevent it.

Friend 1: (Nods while observing) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: What are you up to, anyway?  You’ve had me on speaker both times.

Friend 1: I’m on storm watch.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: If this storm’s supposed to be as epic as everyone claims, I want to see the very first flake of doom as it descends from the heavens.

Friend 2: Not supposed to start until 4 a.m.

Friend 1: (Lowers the binoculars again) I’m going to bed – good night.

Friend 2: Stay warm! 

DAY 1 

(Friend 1 sits up suddenly in bed, flailing in the sheets and blankets)

Friend 1: Oh no, the snow’s everywhere, I’m suffocating!  (Sees the sheets and blankets and stops) Oh.  Just a dream.  Never mind.  (Gets out of bed, walks to the window, and opens the blinds – everything outside is covered in white, and heavy snow continues to fall steadily) Oops.  Whelp, that’s what we pay snow removal fees for – they can wake me when it’s time to move my car.  (Closes the blinds, skips back to bed, dives under the sheets and blankets, and immediately falls back asleep) 

DAY 2 

(Friend 1 is cocooned in quilts on the couch and watching a movie when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Pauses the movie and answers the phone) Hey, how’s hibernation going?

Friend 2: (Working on a laptop at a kitchen table) Not so great – I no sooner shovel out the driveway then I get plowed back in again; unavoidable, but still tiresomely tedious.  I wonder if this is how Sisyphus felt pushing that same rock up that same hill over and over?

Friend 1: (Sipping hot chocolate) Wouldn’t know – I try to avoid that feeling whenever possible.  Wanna borrow my backhoe?

Friend 2: What – where – how on Earth do you even store that?

Friend 1: I know a guy.  (Slurps the drink)

Friend 2: Well, thanks, but I think by now I should be cleared out for good on this storm, since the freezing snow’s finally stopped.

Friend 1: Oh, so you’re working from home today?

Friend 2: Yeah, we got the go-ahead for that since the roads aren’t too clear yet.  What about you?

Friend 1: Heh, we in retail are afforded no such luxury.

Friend 2: So, did the store close again today, then?

Friend 1: HA!

Friend 2: I know, silly question.

Friend 1: No, I left a detailed message on my manager’s cell phone saying how impossible it is for anyone to safely get anywhere today, so if even the customers can’t get there, why should I, and all that standard boilerplate; I also threw in that another storm is threatening on the horizon, so for everyone’s stake I should stay in my hole where I can’t damage anything.  (Sees an alert) Perfect timing – I got a response just now.

Friend 2: What’s it say?

Friend 1: (Reads the message out loud) “If I have to be here, you have to be here.  And your shift starts at 5 when the roads will be clearer so I don’t want to hear it.” …. I wonder if I can pretend I didn’t receive this?

Friend 2: Nope.  Careful driving tonight!

Friend 1: Elitist! 

DAY 7 

(Friend 2 stares at the heavily sideways-falling snow out the living room window, then calls Friend 1)

Friend 1: (Collapsed on the couch, still wearing a winter coat, hat, scarf, gloves, and boots; uses a pinky to answer the phone on speaker and wheezes out) Yes?!

Friend 2: Hey, just checking how you’re holding up with Blizzard #3?

Friend 1: I have cleared off and shoveled out my car no fewer than 200 times this week, and driven through icy snow for more miles than are physically located between home and work, nearly wiping out at least twice every trip and taking the entire highway with me each time – ask no more of me.

Friend 2: (Winces) Ouch.  We go from middling snow for over a decade to back-to-back-to-back blizzards in the space of a week – I think they fed off each other.

Friend 1: (Sliding farther down the couch) They certainly fed off me….

Friend 2: Sorry you still have to drive into work during all this – I haven’t been in the office since before the first storm.

Friend 1: I’m sincerely happy for you.  I’m shocked though that my job actually did close again today due to the roads.

Friend 2: Oh, good!

Friend 1: After I’d already broken off the reconstituted glacier that was covering my car.

Friend 2: Oh, nuts.

Friend 1: (Removes the scarf and drops it onto the floor) Remember when we used to love playing in the snow, even if we had to help shovel the driveway first?

Friend 2: Of course; good times.

Friend 1: (Uses a foot to draw the living room window’s blinds closed) Now, I just hope the power stays on, the pipes don’t freeze, and spring starts tomorrow.

Friend 2: Don’t be greedy.

Story 378: Just a Little Snow

 (Friend 1 rings Friend 2’s doorbell)

Friend 2: (Opens the front door in surprise) Heyyyy… what’re you doing here?

Friend 1: (Holds up bags filled with junk food) It’s our Super Bowl Party!

Friend 2: We don’t do that.

Friend 1: It’s our Valentine’s Day Junk Food Fest!

Friend 2: We don’t do that, either.

Friend 1: All right, I’m just bored.

Friend 2: I’d say “Come on in then” but we’re supposed to get about two feet of snow tonight – didn’t you hear the weather?

Friend 1: I did, and fail to see your point.

Friend 2: You might get stuck here if you stay too late.  Or at all, for that matter.

Friend 1: HA!  I was born of the North-Northeast America – I laugh in the face of feet of snow!  (Walks past Friend 2 and dives onto the couch)

 FOUR HOURS LATER

(While watching a movie and eating all the junk)

Friend 1: I’ve seen this thing a hundred times and I still always think that guy’ll live at the end.

Friend 2: That guy’s a serial killer!

Friend 1: There’s that one moment of possible redemption – the movie should end there, while I still have hope for happiness.

Friend 2: Where’s the fictional justice in that?  (Glances toward a window) Oh whoa, it’s really comin’ down.

Friend 1: Hm?  (Eats some more popcorn while looking at the window) Eh – no biggie.

Friend 2: You probably should get going; it’ll take forever to clean off your car even now and the roads’ll be terrible.

Friend 1: And miss the end of the movie?!

Friend 2: You already know how it ends!

Friend 1: And I want to see it again!  As for the rest of that – (Waves dismissively at the lint storm outside) I’ll take care of it tomorrow.

Friend 2: Oh, so you’re just inviting yourself to stay the night, is that it?

Friend 1: (Taps foot on what turns out to be an overnight bag) You won’t even know I’m here.

Friend 2: Says you.

 THE NEXT MORNING

 Friend 2: (Steps over Friend 1 in a sleeping bag on the living room floor in order to look out the window) Ooh, they barely plowed the street, and when I shovel the driveway that’s when they’ll come by and plow me in again, I just know it!

Friend 1: (Stirs noisily) Huh?  Shovel?

Friend 2: Yes, the things those of us who don’t have the luxury of a parking garage on a city street have to use.

Friend 1: (Stands and looks out the window) Pfft.  You don’t need to shovel that.

Friend 2: How else am I gonna get to work?

Friend 1: Call out?

Friend 2: Not at my job.

Friend 1: (Stares challengingly at the frozen field staring back) I’ll take care of it.

(Outside and so bundled they can barely move, Friend 1 burrows through the snow in the driveway to climb through the driver’s side door of the car parked behind Friend 2’s car)

Friend 1: (Shouting through the open window over the wind and snow resettling around the car) You see, you don’t even have to clean off your car – just turn it on and everything melts!  (Turns on the car to demonstrate)

Friend 2: Not fast enough!  There’s about three feet of snow all over!

Friend 1: It’s not a matter of degree, it’s a matter of technique.  You must WILL the car through the snow!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Observe.  (Revs the engine a bit, floors the gas pedal, changes from Reverse to Drive several times to rock the car, then suddenly bursts backward through the snow in the driveway and out onto the street) See?  Piece of cake.  Want a ride to work?

Friend 2: (Staring with feet slowly freezing) Sure, why not.

(On the highway, Friend 1 tailgates a plow/sander truck)

Friend 2: You may want to back up a bit – and slow down a bit –

Friend 1: And let the snow immediately cover the roads again?!  Never!  (Turns a corner at high speed, fishtailing slightly)

Friend 2: (Holding onto the passenger side window) Easy there, partner!

Friend 1: If we slow down or – heavens forbid – stop, we’ll never be able to start again!  The wintry mix’ll have us!

Friend 2: I don’t want to wind up hugging a telephone pole or another car, either!

Friend 1: We won’t!  Not as long as we show no hesitation, show no fear!  (Shakes a fist while driving through a yellow traffic light as it turns red)

Friend 2: And what if that was red before we got there?

Friend 1: Then I’d’ve just kept coasting till it turned green again.  (Swerves into Friend 2’s parking lot at work)

Friend 2: You can drop me off over there, and please don’t hit any of my coworkers on your way out.                                              

Friend 1: Nonsense!  I’m skipping work today, so I’ll park here and explore the Magical Winter Wonderland all around us until your shift’s over.

Friend 2: Oh-kay, but there seem to be a lot of spots not really plowed out yet –

Friend 1: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!  (Slams the car onto a snowbank, managing to stay between the parking spot lines; shuts off the engine and unlocks the doors) Have a nice day at work, sweetie!

Friend 2: (Gingerly emerges from the car) Gee, thanks – hope your car’s still in one piece by the time I get back.

Friend 1: No faith whatsoever.

 EIGHT-AND-A-HALF HOURS LATER

 (Friend 2 returns to Friend 1’s car; the snow never stopped and the car has been buried again)

Friend 2: (Gingerly lands on the passenger seat) So, enjoy your romp?

Friend 1: Yeah, for a few minutes; the snow in my face got tiresome, so I came back here and napped for the rest of the day.  (Turns on the engine)

Friend 2: Well it looks like you got plowed in a bit so you might have to dig out your back tires.

Friend 1: Please.  (With squealing tires, reverses out of the spot by slamming through the snow)

Friend 2: (Holding onto the car ceiling) You sure this isn’t a tank?!

Friend 1: (Cackles wildly) You wish!  (Flies out of the parking lot and onto the snowy streets, with giant waves of dirty slush cascading on either side of the car all the way)

Friend 2: Wait a minute, what about the snow on the roof of this thing?

Friend 1: I told you, it all melts off!  My car is magic, I say!

Friend 2: Whatever – as long as it doesn’t fly off onto someone’s windshield.

(They plow, skid, swerve, and bounce the entire way back to Friend 2’s house and bump up onto the packed driveway)

Friend 2: (Falls out of the car onto a snow mattress; holds onto the car door to stand up again) Well, thanks for the lift, and be safe getting home, OK?

Friend 1: Do you know who you’re talking to?!  (After Friend 2 flings the door shut and backs away, Friend 1 throws the car into reverse, stalls, and then stares at the dashboard in horror) Ah!  This can’t be happening!

Friend 2: What, you finally got stuck in the snow?

Friend 1: No – I ran out of gas!