(In an apartment, Resident is working on a laptop at the kitchen table)
Resident: (Typing) “As they stared deeply into each other’s eyes, they felt the immense joy that is making the direct leap from Enemies-to-Lovers – ” (There is a knock at the front door) And there goes the muse. (Resident closes the laptop, walks over to the door, checks the peephole, sighs from the depths, and opens the door to Internet Service Provider, who is holding a bouquet of roses and several gift cards) Oh. It’s you.
Internet Service Provider: I got your message.
Resident: And?
Internet Service Provider: Can we talk?
Resident: (Starting to close the door) I really don’t have time to go over all this again –
Internet Service Provider: (Falls to knees) Please! I’m begging you! In the name of all we’ve been through together!
Resident: (Taken aback in mild disgust) OK, don’t embarrass yourself in front of the neighbors. (Internet Service Provider stands) I’m listening.
Internet Service Provider: Can I come in?
Resident: What for? You’re already in – you’re everywhere, actually.
Internet Service Provider: I know, but that’s background ether; this is more personal.
Resident: (Mildly rolls eyes) Fine, come in. (Allows Internet Service Provider inside, closes the door, and leads the way to the living room for them both to sit on the couch; Internet Service Provider smiles and holds out the roses and gift cards) I’m not accepting any gifts until I’ve heard everything.
Internet Service Provider: Understood. (Sets the items aside on the couch) So! We’ve been together for a long time now, haven’t we?
Resident: Yeah, I think about seven years now, right?
Internet Service Provider: Seven years, four months, 10 days, eight hours –
Resident: I get the picture. Time flies, I guess.
Internet Service Provider: It sure does! (Stares soulfully into Resident’s eyes) You’ve been happy this whole time, right? I’ve made you happy this whole time, right?!
Resident: When you’re working right, yeah.
Internet Service Provider: (Smile is now strained) You know certain circumstances are out of my control.
Resident: Oh, I understand when the power’s out, thunderstorms, all that; not your fault, no problem.
Internet Service Provider: Thank you.
Resident: It’s the regular Internet outages on clear sunny days with absolutely nothing else going on that, shall we say, get me down.
Internet Service Provider: Again, that’s due to circumstances outside of my control –
Resident: Such as faulty equipment?
Internet Service Provider: It gets fixed right away, doesn’t it?!
Resident: Usually; I’ll give you that.
Internet Service Provider: (Wails) Then why do you want to leave me??!!
Resident: I told your customer service rep on the phone earlier: you priced yourself out of my budget.
Internet Service Provider: Quality costs money, you know that!
Resident: Then how come the same quality from another company costs almost half of what you charge?
Internet Service Provider: Because they’re sneaky little sell-outs! You gotta watch your bill with them all the time, and they’d never take care of you like I do!
Resident: (Folds arms) OK then: make me a better offer.
Internet Service Provider: Is that what this is all about? All our years of devotion to each other, boiled down to a question of mere money?!
Resident: Well, yes: I made that quite clear to your rep when I called.
Internet Service Provider: (Buries head in hands) How crass; how crude!
Resident: How practical.
Internet Service Provider: (Sits back up and sniffs indignantly) Very well: if “Expense” is the only language that you speak now, then I’ll once again prove my dedication and worthiness to you. (Holds out the gift cards again) I think you’ll find these more than quench your insatiable greed for “reasonable compensation”.
Resident: (Stares at the cards coldly and briefly) Those would maybe cover the overage for a month or two – the new bill increase is forever. Guess you don’t care about me as much as you claim to, huh.
Internet Service Provider: (Drops the cards, sputtering) But – I – you – inflation!
Resident: And again, your competition seems to be able to handle it while you continue to flounder, with spotty service to boot.
Internet Service Provider: (Draws up in a dignified rage and speaks in an extremely controlled voice) I can knock $25 off the new total.
Resident: One-time or going forward?
Internet Service Provider: Going forward.
Resident: (Does a few mental calculations) Not ideal, but enough for now to keep me from going through the hassle of switching providers and having strangers come in here to rip out all your stuff and then again to put in all new stuff. That’s a headache, let me tell you.
Internet Service Provider: (Brightens) So, that’s it? You’re staying?
Resident: (Nods) I’m staying.
Internet Service Provider: (Drops to the floor and grabs Resident’s knees) Oh, thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!!!
Resident: But! (Internet Service Provider looks up) That bill goes up a single dollar after that and we’re through, got it?
Internet Service Provider: (Avoids Resident’s gaze while gathering up the items) Sure….
Resident: (Narrows eyes at Internet Service Provider, then grabs the flowers and the cards from the latter) And I’m keeping these, for the aggravation alone.
Internet Service Provider: (Stands with Resident) Of course, they’re for you! Anything you want, everything I have is for you!
Resident: (Ushering Internet Service Provider to the door) Free modem rental, then?
Internet Service Provider: (Stops) Well, when I say “anything” –
Resident: Yeah – bye. (Shoves Internet Service Provider out the door)
Internet Service Provider: (Leans back inside) Oh, one more thing: when you get the customer satisfaction survey, can you make sure to say how much I value you and how much you appreciate what I’ve done to treat you right and keep you with me forever?
Resident: At the moment, that’s debatable.
