Story 533: House-and-Pet Sitter for Hire

 WEDNESDAY MORNING

            (Employee lies on the couch playing a video game on a tablet, pausing it when the phone rings)

Employee: Hey, what’s up?

Manager: (Voice) You do realize that the third no-call/no-show means you’re fired, don’t you?

Employee: Oh yeah, I’d been meaning to talk to you about that: I really can’t take the toxic work environment there anymore, so I decide not to expose myself to it ever again.  I probably won’t get unemployment either, but I figured the trade-off was worth it in the long run.

Manager: (Voice) …Please take me with you.

Employee: Sure, it’s amazingly easy to do.  Requires literally no effort on your part.

Manager: (Voice) …No, what am I saying?!  I can’t cold-bloodedly commit – (Whispers) “Job Abandonment”!  (Normal volume) How would I sleep at night?!

Employee: Same as you do every night, only with less stress I’d bet.

Manager: (Voice; sighs) It’s all those other things too, you know: steady paycheck, health benefits, the forever-unrealized hope of an actual vacation.  You gonna be OK with all that gone now?

Employee: Yeah, I’ll be fine – I’ll figure out something.

Manager: All right: best of luck to you then, and send some of it my way while you’re at it.

Employee: I would, but I don’t share – bye!  (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the couch, and opens an Internet browser on the tablet) Let’s see: easy money, easy money…. (Reviews several search results) “Rideshare Driver” – ugh, driving…. “Bike Messenger” – ugh, bicycling…. “Dog Walker” – ugh, walking…. Oh hello, what’s this?  “House-and-Pet Sitter Needed ASAP”.  (Pulls up a description of the position which includes a photo of a ginormous mansion) Yeah, dogs are walking right to the ol’ backyard – I’m in.  (Accepts the posting and leaps off the couch to pack an overnight bag and take a bus to the mansion)

 ONE HOUR LATER

            (Employee struggles up a steep hill to the mansion, gasping and sweating under the hot Sun.  At the end of the driveway, Employee grabs onto the gate for support which causes it to swing open)

Employee: Aw, how thoughtful.  (Struggles up the long, long driveway; on reaching the house and lumbering up many steps to the front entrance, the door suddenly flings opens to reveal Employer wearing a nice suit, light gloves, and a long coat with a dog excitedly barking nearby)

Employer: (Hurriedly) Hi, you’re the one who answered the ad right away?

Employee: (Hunched over at the knees to catch breath; gives a slight wave) Yep – [GASP] – that’s me.

Employer: Great, come on in!  (Turns around and trots through a hallway into the kitchen, followed by the eager dog.  Employee, recovered, strolls in afterward, eyes widening while slowly taking in the massive luxury all around) In here!

Employee: Right!  (Lightly jogs in to the kitchen)

Employer: (Ripping open a large bag of high quality dog food) Yeah, I’m kind of in a hurry – I have to get going soon, but first I had to go out and get some more dog food since the bowls were ABSOLUTELY EMPTY!  (Nearly spills out the food with a massive tear)

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Pours a lot of food into a bowl) Sorry, it’s just – seeing this – argh!  And the water bowls were empty, too!

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Looks back at Employee) Yes!  You understand!  (Brings the overflowing bowl down to the floor to the patiently waiting dog, who devours the contents; rubs the dogs ears soothingly) Yes my love, you were literally starving weren’t you, yes you were!  (Gives a pat on the head, stands to grab another bowl, opens the refrigerator, takes out a fancy water bottle, and pours its contents into the bowl) Unbelievable.  And to top it off, there were no treats in sight either so I had to pick up those, too!  (Gestures to another bag on the counter)

Employee: …OK.

Employer: So, what you see here?  Twice a day, 9 a.m. and 5 p.m.; treat around 1; pretty simple, right?

Employee: Right.

Employer: And the backyard’s immense, so let sweetums here do business wherever there.

Employee: …If you insist.

Employer: (Sets down the full water bowl next to the food; the dog then begins lapping that up furiously as Employer rubs the ears again) So thirsty, my love!  That’s just terrible…. (Clenches other hand)

Employee: (Has been looking around the kitchen unobtrusively) So, that go for all the dogs, then?

Employer: (Looks up at Employee) Hm?

Employee: (Gestures to the other bowls laid out near the still-drinking dog) Looks like there are about five dogs here.

Employer: (Focuses on rubbing the dog’s back) Oh, the other four ran off earlier this morning.

Employee: Oh!  (Cringes slightly) Do you… want me to go look for them?

Employer: (Sharply) They’re better off!

Employee: …OK.

Employer: (Gives one last pat and stands again) So!  Let me give you the five-minute tour.  (Opens wide the combination freezer-fridge for Employee to see) Eat all the food you want here and in the pantry. 

Employee: Mmm….

Employer: (Gestures Employee to follow into multiple living/game rooms) Watch and play anything you want, even if it says credit card payment’s required.

Employee: Ooh….

(They both walk upstairs, followed by the dog)

Employer: (Opening bedroom and bathroom doors) Sleep anywhere and everywhere you like, and use all the soaps and towels you want.

Employee: Ooohhhh….

Employer: (Opens the door to a massive closet in the master bedroom) Wear anything that takes your fancy in here, including the shoes.

Employee: Oooohhhh – although I don’t think I’m quite the right size.

Employer: I’m sure there’s something that’ll do; keep whatever you want from here.

Employee: Ha-ha-ha – seriously?!

Employer: You have no idea.

Employee: Umm….

(They go back downstairs and out the back door, sans dog, to survey the adventure park that is the backyard)

Employer: (Points to each area) Inground heated pool – tennis court – go-kart track – bouncy castle.  Any supplies not already out here are in the shed; lock’s busted so you can go right in.

Employee: Cool.

(They walk over to the open garage)

Employer: (Opens one of the five cars parked inside and grabs a set of keys from under the driver’s side Sun visor) You drive?

Employee: When the situation calls for it.

Employer: (Tosses the keys to Employee, who almost fumbles catching them) It’s yours – consider it your payment since I don’t have cash handy.  Title’ll be transferred to your name later.

Employee: (Stares at the keys and Employer in disbelief) No way!  (Eyes narrow in suspicion) What’s the catch?

Employer: No catch; just do exactly what you were hired for.  (Both walk back into the house; Employer picks up the waiting dog and pets the latter affectionately) Especially take care of this precious little lovey-wovey dumpling!

Employee: (Pockets the car keys) Oh, I definitely will.

Employer: Good.  (Sets down the dog with one last pat) Well, I’m off – call 911 if you need anything.  (Heads to the front door)

Employee: (Follows in slight confusion, with the dog not far behind) Wait a minute, is there a security system I should set or something?  Or house keys in case I need to go out, even though I really don’t want to, ever?

Employer: (Chuckles) Don’t worry about it.  (Employee double-takes; Employer reaches the front door, scoops up a large sack that was sitting on the floor next to it, and turns to the former) It’s posted all over social media that the trip’s done by Monday night around 7:00 so please leave before then, and wipe down everything you touched before you go.

Employee: (Slightly crestfallen) Right, of course.

Employer: (Opens the front door, then turns to Employee again) Oh, one more thing: feel free to trash the place.

Employee: (Laughs, then stops at Employer’s somber face) What?

Employer: Seriously: trash it.  It’ll bring me joy.  (Smiles down at the dog, standing next to Employee with tail wagging in glee) Bye-bye, baby!  (Blows kisses to the dog and leaves with a slamming door, followed soon after by the sounds of a revving engine and screeching tires)

Employee: (Stares down at the dog, who merrily stares back) If this is a dream, I don’t wanna wake up.  (Proceeds to spend the next six days living in luxury, using everything inside and outside the mansion and having a blast with the dog as they play all day, every day to Employee’s mental soundtrack of party songs)

MONDAY – 7:00 P.M.

(Employee is napping curled up with the dog on a couch while a paid move plays on the giant TV in the main living room when the front door opens)

Employee: (Stirring awake as the dog sits up and begins to bark, then checks watch) Oh, shoot, honeymoon’s over – gonna get kicked out of paradise now.  (Rubs face while slowly getting up; the dog bounces off the couch and trots over to the stranger who enters the living room with a wheeled suitcase and a garment bag; both humans freeze on seeing each other)

Stranger: Who the blazes are you?!

Employee: I could ask you the very same question.

Stranger: I live here!  (Uses a leg to shoo away the dog trying to cuddle)

Employee: Oh.  Well, your spouse or butler or whoever hired me to watch the place and the dog, so….

Stranger: (Still shooing away the dog while setting down the suitcase and the bag) What in the world are you talking about?

Employee: (Rubs eyes some more) Yeah, sorry I’m still here when you got back; I was told I should leave before now, but you know when you get really comfortable –

Stranger: Hold on, hold on – told by who?  I’m the only one who lives here!

Employee: (Blinks a few times) Umm… I am extremely confused right now….

Stranger: (Walks to a panel on a wall) Yep: security system’s busted – gate was left wide open – (Sees that the other rooms are very lived in) – place is a mess, and I bet half my stuff is gone.  (Takes out a cell phone and starts dialing) You’re the most inept thief ever.  Don’t even think about running – I’m calling the cops.

Employee: (Finally wakes up fully and also takes out a cell phone) Whoa-whoa-whoa, don’t call the cops – yet; I just answered a job ad!  (Brings up the ad and holds out the phone to Stranger)

Stranger: What?

Employee: An ad!  For a house-and-pet sitter!  (Hands over the phone to Stranger, then looks down at the expectant dog) Speaking of which – time for your extra treat!  (Employee and the dog skip into the kitchen as Stranger slowly follows while reading the posting; Employee feeds the dog a biscuit) I probably started a bad habit with this, but when those big eyes look at you so sweetly, how can we mere humans resist?  (Rubs the dog’s ears fondly)

Stranger: (Hands the phone back to Employee, who stands to take it) I didn’t place this ad.

Employee: (Pockets the phone with a shrug) Oh, well, like I said, that cousin or personal assistant or whoever hired me.

Stranger: And like I said, I’m the only one who lives here!  (Suddenly looks around the kitchen) And where are all the other beasts?!

Employee: (Raises eyebrows) I was told that the other dogs ran off before I got here.

Stranger: What?!  They were worth thousands more than that little runt who stayed behind!  (Employee protectively picks up the dog as Stranger darts over to the door that leads to the garage and turns on a light in there, voice echoing from below) Ah!  My favorite car’s gone!  (Employee surreptitiously takes keys out of a pants pocket and sticks them in a random drawer as Stranger runs back into the kitchen and points to the former) You!  Follow me!  Now!

Employee: (Petting the oblivious dog) Must I?

Stranger: Yes!

(They go upstairs to see the very lived-in bedrooms and bathrooms)

Employee: (Sheepishly, still cuddling the dog) I’ll clean all this up.

Stranger: (Seething) Don’t bother – it might mess up the evidence.  (Strides into the master bedroom, flings open the closet door, pauses momentarily at the sight of disheveled clothes and shoes, and crouches down to the floor safe)

Employee: (As face is being licked by the dog) Should I step outside for a minute?

Stranger: (Gritting teeth while entering a code) No point.  (Opens the safe, which only contains a folded piece of paper)

Employee: (Peers over Stranger’s shoulder as the latter takes out the paper with a hand shaking in anger) I’m assuming it wasn’t that empty when you last left it.

Stranger: No it was not.  (Opens up the note)

Employee: (Shifts the dog slightly to read over Stranger’s shoulder) “Consider yourself lucky – next time I’ll call the ASPCA for suspected animal cruelty.”

(Stranger stands suddenly and faces Employee)

Stranger: How much money you want to keep the dog and never breathe a word about any of this to a single soul?

Employee: (Nuzzling the contentedly napping dog) No worries – I’ve been paid enough.

Story 405: Observations From the Cat Left at Home

My family left me today.

My family actually leave me every day, but this is one of those times I could tell they won’t be back by night.  Or the next day.  Or the – I have no idea what comes after that.

It’s kind of peaceful here now, tranquil, just the way I like it; I can finally do what I want for a change, and not be woken up 15 times mid-exhausting-sleep for an unwanted cuddle.

Still: the lack of diversion is a bit of a drag.  How many times can I kill the scores of fake prey they leave scattered around the place, I ask you?  At least when they summon the flying point of light, it’s somewhat of a challenge for my impressive tracking skills.

The smallest member of the family also keeps things interesting: certainly no telling what that one’s going to do next.

The most pressing issue at the moment, though, is the food situation.  I am embarrassingly dependent upon the giants to supply my daily fuel, so every time they get it into their huge heads to take off to parts unknown, I’m left behind with an uncertain future: if I eat everything in the bowl and no one is there to refill it, is the next step starvation?  Constant conservation is the only way to deal with this, and I have learned to live with the everlasting anxiety.

What’s that?  The front door unlocking?  Quick, off the bed before they catch you there with a “No, no, no!” – gracefully sprint down the hall – perhaps the family came back early –

Oh no.

It’s the other one.

This giant smells like Alpha (I refuse on principle to call her “Mommy” despite her addressing herself as such) so I know she’s from the same litter, and she has encroached on this territory multiple times before.

It’s too late to hide under a bed or in a closet – the intruder has spotted me.

“Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, baaaaaaabyyyyyy!!!!!!”

Ugh.

“How are you?!”  I am scooped up into amateur arms – clearly, this one has not held one of my kind properly, ever.  “Have you been a good little furball?”

Ew.  And of course I’ve been what you arrogantly designate “good,” you imbecile – I don’t have to answer to you!

I’m carried as if I were a helpless kitten into the kitchen; only my disciplined forbearance in this treatment prevents a scene.  “Have you been watching the house while everyone’s gone?  Making sure no one sneaks in, heh-heh-heh?”

My patrols are completed regularly, thank you very much – and isn’t “watching the house” technically your job?!

I finally am released onto the floor, and the giant takes her sweet time getting my food in order.  Never mind that I have been patiently waiting eons past the scheduled delivery time.  Sure, there are plenty of the crunchy pebbles available all day, but refer to my earlier treatise on food conservation; plus, I’ve suffered enough – I want the good stuff.

Blast, I forgot about this part: lately I’d been feeling a little… off, if you will, and after a torture session where Alpha kidnapped me out of the house and allowed some stranger who smelled mainly of DOG to mishandle me terribly, now at every meal I am placed in a bodylock and a tube is shoved into my mouth with some horrific liquid forced down my throat.  I have no choice but to swallow the disgusting concoction under heavy protest and no small amount of humiliation.  After an unfathomable amount of time performing this new, horrendous ritual, I have been feeling a slight improvement from my prior state: I fail to see the connection.

Now the intruder giant upends a bottle, sticks the tube into the bottom for a few seconds, then hugs me in a weak semblance of the hold Alpha uses.  I stretch my patience to the utmost limits in keep still for this one to get her act together, but when she starts trying (emphasis on that last word) to get the tube into my mouth, the uncertainty and inexperience in her conduct push me past my breaking point, instinct takes over, and away I flail: I regret nothing.

“There, there – ” a condescending pat on the head after the damage is done – “such a good kitty.”

If me not rightfully biting your nose after such unprofessional behavior constitutes as being “good,” then I am the best who ever lived – your pathetic affirmation is unnecessary and undesired.

After another indignity in my face being wiped with a damp cloth – I can groom myself, you know, and much better than this fumbling approximation – the goods are finally delivered and the chicken-like soft mass appears in my dish.

“What an appetite!  You must be hungry!”

Well of course I’m – !  When one is not given vital sustenance until ages after their body is accustomed to receiving it, then one, logically, is hungry.  You can stop talking now.

The intruder disappears somewhere while I embrace the meal – my waste depository better be emptied by the time I get there, is all I’m saying – and my subsequent bath is rudely interrupted because she’s decided she’s been here long enough and the supposed burden of my care can now wait until tomorrow to resume.

A few more ingratiating rubs to my ears, chin, back, mmmmmm....

“Bye-bye, baby!  Watch the house!”

For the love of –

The door is slammed and locked.

The lone outside light does nothing for the increasingly darkening interior.  Fine by me: the giants blast way too much fake sun in here anyway.  It’s a relief that my eyes don’t have to adjust to the incessant glare for the nonce.

Time for a brief nap, then evening patrol, a little snack, nap, overnight patrol, do battle with that cricket in the corner again, a little snack, dawn patrol, nap, and –

The door unlocks and bursts open: “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, baaaaaaabyyyyyy!!!!!!  Did you watch the house?!”

Sigh.  My life is an unending trial.

When my family finally bestir themselves to return home I’m certainly going to give them an earful, right before we curl up on the couch together so they can watch the glowing noisy screen and we all fall into a blissful slumber.

Oh yes, they will pay for this dearly.

Story 241: Hoping for a Home

         Friend 1: I’m telling you, pretty much all of them are harmless.  Sometimes a little over-enthusiastic, but harmless.

            Friend 2: OK, I guess – this is my first time doing this, so I’m a little nervous.

            Friend 1: Just stick by me and follow my lead.  Ooh, here’s one coming right for you, don’t be shy!

            Friend 2: I – I – I just can’t, I’m sorry!

            Friend 1: It’s OK, I’ll handle this one.

            Visitor 1: Aren’t you a pretty kitty, yes you are!  (Holds out hand)

            Friend 1: (Sniffs fingers) Hm, not a serious customer.

            Friend 2: (Hanging back in a corner) How can you tell?

          Friend 1: I smell cat all over her – doubtful she’d bring a stranger into the fold, especially living with one that old.  Still, she’s a friend of our kind.  (Rubs head against Visitor 1’s hand)

            Visitor 1: Aw, look, she likes me!

            Visitor 2: Don’t even think about bringing her home, young lady.

            (Friend 1 looks knowingly at Friend 2 while purring enthusiastically; Visitor 1 moves on)

            Friend 1: (Trots over to Friend 2 and bats around a toy mouse) See?  Some of them just want to cuddle and then grab a snack in the café, but the more you circulate around here the better your chances one will take you home.

            Friend 2: (Jumps to a high ledge on the wall and settles down) I don’t know, what if we seem to hit it off but then it turns out we’re incompatible?  I miss my old home, and at least here I know everybody.

            Friend 1: Not for long, pal – none of us plan on staying here long-term.  (There is activity on the other side of the room) Case in point: looks like McFluffy’s got herself a new family.  Way to go, McFluff!

            Friend 2: Aw, and I liked her – we bonded because her human had gotten sick, too.  At least I still have you.

            Friend 1: (Rubbing against Visitor 3’s legs) Don’t count on it: I intend to be whisked away to my new forever home by someone halfway decent within the next few weeks if I have to lie to do it.

            Friend 2: What, by pretending to be a lap cat or something?

            Friend 1: If that’s what it takes.  Come on down, you’ll never get adopted if you stay up there!

           Friend 2: Oh, all right.  (Leaps down to the floor and is immediately approached by Visitor 3, abandoning Friend 1 in mid-rub)

            Friend 1: Hey!  Tease.

            Visitor 3: Hi there, little guy.  (Holds out hand, knuckles first)

            Friend 2: Here goes.  (Sniffs) Smells all right.

            Friend 1: Go on, introduce yourself.

           Friend 2: Oh boy.  (Rubs head against Visitor 3’s hand, then lightly nips) Sorry, I’m sorry!  I don’t know what came over me!

            Visitor 3: (Laughs) Ooh, feisty!  I can take a hint.  (Moves on)

            Friend 2: Aw, I ruined it!  (Flops onto a cat bed and sighs)

           Friend 1: (Scratching a post) Don’t beat yourself up over it; happens to the best of us, that’s why they sign a waiver.  Try taking a nap in the condo by the front window – the humans’ll see you first as they come in and maybe they’ll look for you later.

           Friend 2: I don’t know, that feels self-exploitative.  (Looks around) Maybe I should go meet that family who just walked in; they seem nice.

            Friend 1: (Stretched out on the floor, being given a belly rub) Go get `em, tiger!

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